Because it’s rare. That dude’s a major sad sack. Since the goal of my blog has always been for us to read comics together in one giant, warm hug of nervous legal ambiguity and definitely not to pad my writing portfolio with that clump of Spider-Man jokes employers are always looking for, today we’ll be taking a look at ten times Frank Castle flashed his pearly whites. I’d like to dedicate this article to a guy who once commented on one of my previous Punisher articles, berating me for daring to call the Punisher smelly – so enjoy these pictures of Marvel’s favorite gun-toting rotting hobo.
Punisher: War Journal #24, volume two, written by Matt Fraction & Rick Remender and drawn by Howard Chaykin
Frank Castle is an a simple man of simple tastes. Seriously, I don’t think the man can even get tumescent without an opera of explosions and gunfire around him. Ladies, if you want to seduce this hunk of murder incarnate, you better bring a Private Saving Ryan DVD if you want to get any further than first base (which for the Punisher is a power drill and a crying mobster – you get to kiss him each time the drill hits bone). The Punisher almost certainly keeps a 50 Shades of Grey torture room in all of his safe houses. He’s the perfect man for a woman if she’s into something kinky and doesn’t mind a dude who won’t wash the blood out of his clothes and smells like a trash bag that came to life.
Punisher #2, volume seven, written by Rick Remender and drawn by Jerome Opena
You’ll notice a bunch of superhero/supervillain gear here. I don’t know how the Punisher will be able to walk around this locker while he’s sporting a full erection. This comic is perfect if you’ve been wondering when the Punisher would stop using all those boring guns and start using something that’s actually deadly, like a bow and arrow (which he uses on the next page to kill bad guys and not just as foreplay as most of us expected). Look, I’m not an expert on the man, but I do know – without a doubt – that one lonely night, Frank Castle must have at least once made sweet love to a rocket launcher.
Punisher #5, volume two, written by Mike Baron and drawn by Klaus Janson
The Punisher looks like he just found out his deceased family faked their deaths to tour the country as a traveling circus troupe, and then – I assume – since the woman stops her shoulder massage in a proud moment of defiance, the Punisher socks her. To be fair, Castle, who smells like a ham and mayo sandwich left out in the sun for a few weeks, received a frying pan to the noggin on the previous page, so a nose punch is only fair. And the Punisher will totally hit girls, because of feminism, I guess. I should probably learn what the word means. Look, everyone in the picture above deserves what they get, because the Punisher – a man who tortures, murders, stalks, manipulates, steals, destroys property, doesn’t give second chances, has a cynical view of society, shoots real bullets at Daredevil, refuses to shower, etc. – is the good guy of our story.
Punisher #54, volume two, written by Mike Baron and drawn by Hugh Haynes
Of course the Punisher loves dogs – he loves anything that can be used to kill people. Though he doesn’t need a security system at all when he reveals his Punisher-mobile on the next page (it has two missile launchers in case he uses up all dozen missiles on the first one), as the only people who steal from installations that look like a military’s wet dream are Grand Theft Auto characters. You know what scares people off faster than a dog? A Batcave but instead of computers and memories and butlers, it’s filled with bullets and bazookas and the shattered dreams of a lonely man who didn’t make a fake woman entirely out of combat knives. But you know what the Punisher’s armory doesn’t have? Soap. He smells like a soup made with nothing but NFL jockstraps and warm bleu cheese. Also, on a related note, if you think I’m putting too much emphasis on the Punisher’s love of guns, I need to direct your attention to a mini-series called The Punisher: Armory, which, I promise this is 100% true, consists solely of close up pictures of weapons while the Punisher comments briefly on each one. For thirty pages each issue. They made ten of these. That’s three hundred pages of weapons. The dude loves killing stuff.
Punisher #26, volume four, written by Garth Ennis and drawn by Tom Mandrake
I love the Punisher, but we can’t deny the man is someone who happily amuses himself with the thought of massacring 10% of the world’s fifth largest city. No, seriously, look into his eyes again. You’re peering into the fictional soul of a man daydreaming about massacring two million people. No, seriously again, why are we okay with the Punisher? Like sure, he only goes after bad guys, but if a dude gave billions to charity yet just so happened to deal a little drugs to inner city school children – boom, Punisher kills him. No arguments or questions. I’m not saying I’m unnerved by the moral forgiveness we give the Punisher, but he clearly deserves each and every single one of the literally hundreds of bullet and stab wounds he’s gotten over his four decades in comics.
Spider-Man vs. Punisher, written by Joseph Harris & Michael Lopez and drawn by Lopez
Guys, I’ve really been thinking about this. Kids read these comics, and we know if they’re able to find porn, they can find Punisher comics. Frank Castle is smiling because he’s about to flay open a criminal or mobster or civilian who pushed down an old lady back when he was in tenth grade. We all gleefully applaud the Punisher – a man who smells like a backpack stuffed with burning rubber and feral cats – whenever he murders anybody in the New York City metroplex (and sometimes Jersey). But the Punisher doesn’t need our sales, he needs our help. What about a new miniseries titled The Punisher Sits Down and Thinks About What He’s Done? I can’t write this article anymore. I’m done.
Punisher: Holiday Special #2, written by George Caragonne & Eric Fein and drawn by J. J. Birch
Never mind, I’m back. Impalement on a Christmas tree sucks way more than a few lumps of coal. And just so you know, the Punisher isn’t wearing a Santa suit, that’s just how much blood has spilled on his uniform. Every Christmas-themed issue, the Punisher wears a Santa costume. I guess because it’s somewhat ironic when the jolliest man on the planet unloads his machine gun into the mafia’s sourest. Also, don’t read any of the Punisher’s Christmas stories actually around Christmas time. Spoiler alert: they’re all super depressing because y’know, Frank Castle is far less likely to hang around rascally school children than say, battered prostitutes.
Punisher #5, volume three, written by John Ostrander and drawn by Tom Lyle, Chris Ivy, & Art Nichols
You just witnessed Daredevil crack a joke because the unconscious bad guy is Jigsaw, a dude who’s face is already scarred and gross. But by now you’ve definitely realized why I chose this panel – trust me, I had plenty of panels to pick from. Castle creepily smiles far more than just ten times over his forty year history of hitting pimps with baseball bats and so on. It’s that ponytail. For ten issues, the Punisher had a ponytail. No one can be the scariest man alive when he also has to tie his hair back with a scrunchie. Eventually, the ponytail disappears from one issue to the next and never gets brought up again, as all ponytails should be. But unfortunately for Frank Castle, comics books live on forever – he has to sit forever in the Terrible Comic Books Haircuts Hall of Fame next to Superman’s mullet and Nightwing’s mullet and Quasar’s mullet and Longshot’s mullet and anytime a superhero has a mullet.
Punisher: Born #4, written by Garth Ennis and drawn by Darick Robertson
Finally, there‘s the Punisher that lives deep within his own broken soul. Every time Frank Castle tosses a Molotov cocktail through the window of a diner the mafia uses to launder money, we see this face. Every time Frank Castle breaks up a drug dealer’s block party by holding a machete outside the window of a moving car, we see this face. Every time Frank Castle refuses to shower, continuing his quest to one day exude a smell similar to a sewage facility coated in a thick layer of farts from a meal consumed only of undercooked beef and hard-boiled eggs, we see this face. Look deep within the eyes of your superhero, my friends. See his pain. Feel his rage. Taste his hatred. Hear his anguish. But never, ever smell him.
Punisher #60, volume two, written by Mike Baron & Marcus McLaurin and drawn by Val Mayerik
I have no jokes to add. I just want you all to know that for three issues in the early ’90s, the Punisher received an injection that turned him into a black man. He then teamed up with Luke Cage to fight poverty and violence in the crack-stricken inner city. I’d figured you’d like to know.
Another exciting article on Monday! See you then!
The man has some feelings to work out. James Rhodes, the owner of the War Machine armor (think of Iron Man with more bullets), gets his second real shot at being the superhero the same comic Tony Stark “dies.” Mainly, it’s out of necessary, as criminals still need to be stopped and Iron Man comics still need to be sold. But unlike you or me or practically anyone else in the Marvel universe, Rhodes isn’t happy about his new exciting title. No, actually he’s quite angry (as you guessed from the title). Here’s some scenes of Rhodes/War Machine raging around from Iron Man #284-291, written by Len Kaminski and drawn by Kevin Hopgood & Tom Morgan.
So I’m sure in the cynical depths of your comic-loving soul, you balk at my statement. Please, you say, all superheroes get outraged occasionally. How bad can he be? Well, you know:
Rhodes has no super powers. You just witnessed a normal man put a lamp through the television for something that Fox News makes an entire network about. So now with no Tony Stark to hang out with and no Iron Man to lie to people about, Rhodes will have to spend his time productively. And for someone who loves and admires Stark so much, he’s certainly not happy about following his final wishes. As the imaginary Tony Stark rattles off all the qualifications that make Rhodes the superhero we all know he should be (mainly being a good person), understand the lunacy of Rhodes’ misplaced anger. If I came to you announcing that I’m going to give you the physique of an Olympic-level athlete and the ability to shoot lasers out of your eyes, would you just shout, “Eff you!” before shoving me away? No, because we’re not crazy people. His rage continues unabated for the next eight issues.
I’m not going to spend 600 words to announce over and over again – look how upset War Machine is! Don’t you worry, because War Machine possesses a superpower that delights me far more than yelling at the ghost of Iron Man. Witness the unparalleled majesty of Rhodes’ combat banter. His references are horribly outdated. His references are pretty much nonsense. It builds absolutely zero suspense. And you’re welcome in advance.
So as you’ve figured, Tony Stark isn’t dead. Actually, you know for a fact he isn’t because I did a previous article about his coma dreams and whatnot that takes place during this arc. War Machine finally gets put back into the truth loop about halfway through this – not to Tony Stark’s fault as he spent most of the first half being unconscious. And because I’m about to show you the pages of Rhodes discovering the truth, you should know that Rhodes reacts poorly. What’s the proper mood when you find out your best friend isn’t actually dead? Elation? Surprise? Happiness?
For a man who’s entire superhero identity is constructed using technology, Rhodes really hates electronics. In the past decades, Rhodes has slowly morphed into the stoic demeanor and good-natured humor of an ex-military/superhero making his way as a normal man in an insane comic book world. But not for a while. If War Machine isn’t complaining that he has to fight crime even though he doesn’t want to, mom, I just got home from school so let me go to my room please, then he’s spending his time having shirtless bedside conversations with his string of lovers. He leads an enviable life, even if he doesn’t notice. And here’s some more combat banter:
Look, Rhodes and Stark end this arc as friends again. The status quo must remain strong. Iron Man, in all his bed-ridden glory, must convince War Machine not to be a little b-word and accept that the world needs a gun-toting making-dad-jokes Iron Man-spinoff flying around the Marvel universe to blow away robots with shoulder-mounted miniguns. I don’t want you to surprise you, but Rhodes isn’t happy about this arrangement. Spoiler alert: he’s angry.
And that’s the story of how War Machine joined the West Coast Avengers. Next time, Batman and Superman!
Northstar and his manager Kyle got married! We all celebrated and rejoiced and hugged our loved ones. Their marriage notched another mark into the bedpost of diversity in comics. But if you’re going to have two characters take advantage of the United States legal system for the wonderful joy in all our hearts, that also means dealing with all the disadvantages (and oh, is there a lot) of the double-edged sword of the endlessly complicated United States legal system. Like Northstar (real name Jean-Paul Beaubier) being a Canadian citizen instead of an American. And his 2012 gay marriage not being recognized by the United States government. So I present to you the other side of Northstar’s marriage that no one talks about: his immediate deportation. Today, we’re using the following comics:
Astonishing X-Men #51, written by Marjorie Liu and drawn by Mike Perkins
Astonishing X-Men #56, written by Liu and drawn by Mike Perkins
Astonishing X-Men #59, written by Liu and drawn by Gabriel Hernandez Walta
Astonishing X-Men #66, written by Liu and drawn by Amilcar Pinna
Astonishing X-Men #68, written by Liu and drawn by Walta
Amazing X-Men #1, written by Jason Aaron and drawn by Ed McGuinness
Before we delve into law talk and other thrilling topics, let’s take a moment and refresh our memories on the delightful wedding between these two good-looking, happy, loving men:
Yes, it’s everything a comic book wedding ceremony should be: overly emotional and an enormous pain for the artist to draw. It feels good and we’re better people for having witnessed this. Now normally, marrying an American citizen anchors dear Northstar to our beloved country, much like having a child or building an underground bunker would. But when the X-Men – already a super high-profiled team – have a very public and very ornate wedding, it’s going to attract some major attention that it wouldn’t otherwise. Like the government. Correcting their mistake.
Honestly, superheroes break laws all the time. Due process, trespassing, assault (tons of assault), etc. But superheroes have always been notoriously bad at solving problems that don’t involve punching. So as Northstar breaks the news to his husband that all the dreams and desires they brought with them to New York will be crushed under the immense weight of American bureaucracy and the price of celebrity, remember the most important thing: Canada’s not so bad. There are far worse places to be deported to.
Nothing else is said about this for many, many issues. The giant X-Men event X-Termination kind of abducts the current story line as Astonishing X-Men contributes some issues to the event. Then Iceman has a schizophrenic, definitely evil, almost-destroying-all-of-NYC episode that takes up five issues. So, we never see Northstar and Kyle move. Actually, nothing else is ever mentioned at all except for the single page below where they briefly mention they’re in Canada. But back to the Iceman thing, that’s why everyone’s so angry at him (also, Northstar use to have a crush on Iceman, but that’s wildly irrelevant information I’m only giving you to take up space).
So what happens you ask? I don’t know. No one knows. Astonishing X-Men ends and this court case never once gets brought up again in the history of comic books. Luckily, our real life law caught up enough that comic book law could say these two would be allowed back in the United States, but I can’t tell you anything beyond what you just saw above. Luckily, the next time Northstar appears, he’s a faculty member at Wolverine’s X-Men school in upstate New York, so we can only assume that he won his case. Good job, She-Hulk. Here’s some proof from Amazing X-Men:
And everyone lived happily ever after! Hopefully. Goodness, it’d be nice.
A year ago, I used a new banner for every new article instead of that eight page masterpiece from Ultimates 2 I’m currently using. Here they all are! Use them! Steal them! Brag that each one was your idea! If you click the banner, it’ll open a new tab to the full size (900-ish pixels by 200-ish pixels). They’re much prettier at full size. Real articles resume on Friday!
There’s a deep freedom in the slow march to the end. Forty more articles until I wrap this blog up – my shameless (and obvious) pandering for increased hits is no longer needed. Now, in my very dark, very small, and very damp corner of the Internet, I can write about whatever I want without fear of such scary notions like negative comments, gradual apathy, and this emotion I keep hearing about called “love.” It’s wonderful! I’m free! So today, because I gosh darn can, I present to you ten times Spider-Man has been kicked in the head. You’re welcome, Internet.
1. Amazing Spider-Man #49, written by Stan Lee and drawn by John Romita
I like to think Spider-Man is ripping out Kraven’s chest hair in that second panel. There’s nothing wrong with fighting shirtless – hell, Kraven spent years fighting dinosaurs or riding eagles perfecting those powerful pecs and his beautiful chest shrubbery. Let him fight in just a vest and capris; that man has earned it. And Kraven probably shouldn’t go bragging about his strength to Spider-Man. That’s like bragging how strong you are to a wall by punching it. Spider-Man can juggle cop cars while Kraven is listed on Wikipedia as an “Olympic-level athlete.” The only thing Kraven is “far more powerful” than Spider-Man in is the ability to grow a mustache.
2. Amazing Spider-Man #81, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Romita, John Buscema, and Jim Mooney
I don’t know why Spider-Man fights so many supervillains who hate sleeves. Go ahead, I’ll give you a chance to guess Kangaroo’s super power. You’re wrong, it’s not jumping. He can actually carry babies around in a stomach pouch. By the way, when do supervillains eventually learn modesty? Spider-Man has solved dozens of crimes and stopped dozens more bad guys, and this Kangaroo – a man whose superpower is to kick slightly harder than the average man – isn’t the least bit intimidated? But if you want some trivia, the Kangaroo dies forty issues later when he runs into a fatally radioactive room because Spider-Man told him not to. If the real world had stakes similar to the comic book world, every middle schooler would perish by eighth grade.
3. Amazing Spider-Man #170, written by Len Wein and drawn by Ross Andru
Ginger Teddy Roosevelt turns out to be more eloquent than I expected. Note that Spider-Man’s losing a fight to a man who’s smoking a cigarette. GTR takes himself down a notch with an occupied hand and the beginning phases of lung cancer, and Spider-Man still can’t gain any ground. Our dear supervillain (real name Doctor Faustus) has a thick Austrian accent, so go back an re-read that panel in your best Schwarzenegger – it makes everything easier to swallow when you realize Doctor Faustus’ only superpower (and I’m taking this directly from the Marvel wiki) is that he holds “an MD in psychiatry [and] is very charismatic.” Spider-Man just got kicked in the face by a man less like a supervillain and more like someone who Oprah would give his own show.
4. Amazing Spider-Man #287, written by Jim Owsley and drawn by Erik Larsen
Daredevil fights so often that he just lets his mind wander, like when you think of what to get at the supermarket during a boring work meeting. When Kingpin comes back into town, only the inhumanly fast and strong Spider-Man has the guts to stand up to him. Unfortunately, and I’m not making this up, the Kingpin is actually Daredevil in a fat suit. Just like Tyra Banks when she walked down the street as a fat woman, desperate to know the struggle, so goes Daredevil. And also just like Tyra Banks, Daredevil jump kicks his friend in the head. I’ve seen America’s Next Top Model - it’s cutthroat. While Daredevil wrestles with the idea of an evil Kingpin dominating New York City, there’s nothing heroic about punching a fellow superhero in the face. I mean, unless the other superhero is possessed or under mind control or a clone or from an alternative dimension or a secret robot or gives a mean look or forgets a birthday or really any reason the writer can justify. In summary, comics have no rules.
5. Amazing Spider-Man #379, written by David Michelinie and drawn by Mark Bagley
That many not be the real Spider-Man, but anytime a cyborg who looks like a shrunken head clobbers a monster using his cloven hooves, that comic has my full attention. The cyborg Deathlok’s a great character if you prefer your heroes without noses. The Spider-Man doppleganger actually belongs to the supervillain Carnage, a bad guy who’d make a list of supervillains most likely when touched to be sticky. And you ask, how did Deathlok get involved in a Spider-Man story? Trust me, with the cast of this issue, the only explanation is every hero and villain’s name got was shoved into one of those lottery spinners. Winners get three panels for a quick speech about why they’re essential.
6. Amazing Spider-Man #409, written by Tom DeFalco and drawn by Bagley
I looked up this Joystick character (mainly so you didn’t have to), and I can 100% conclude that Joystick is the perfect 1990s superhero. She has a superhero name that completely sums up the decade (meet her friends Tamagotchi and Pogs), a rocking ‘tude (she’s overconfident and flirtatious!), powers that are vaguely stolen or unoriginal (think Psylocke’s weapons), and a costume that takes far more effort to draw than it is cool to look at (she’s the most fashionable bee in her hive!). It’s beautiful and we’re all better people for knowing about Joystick. She may be a “game-player,” but the only game she’s playing is with my heart.
7. Amazing Spider-Man #427, written by DeFalco and drawn by Steve Skroce
I like to imagine that all superhero foreplay eventually devolves into a slugfest. The one who bleeds the least gets to be on top. If Spider-Man’s still conscious, he should make a move – his marriage to Mary Jane is about to fall apart/demonically wished away soon anyway. In a few pages, Spider-Man mentions that while he doesn’t want to be sexist, he didn’t think Delilah (the Nasty woman above) would give him as much trouble as she did. That’s important many years later during Ms. Marvel and Spider-Man’s first date when we see Ms. Marvel carrying Spider-Man around the city snugly in her arms, like how a loving mother holds her soft newborn baby.
8. Amazing Spider-Man #510, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Mike Deodato Jr.
Unlike real people and solely because of the type of literature that superheroes are portrayed in, they must name all their injuries in the same manner as a grocery list. And for a superhero with a specific super power used entirely to dodge attacks, Spider-Man sure gets hit a lot. I know you remember when Gwen Stacy and Norman Osborn made sweet love with each other and then Stacy became pregnant with twins and this was all retconned later after an editor gave this compelling reason: “Eww.” That mysterious boot belongs to one of the twins, who now takes out his budding anger and brutality on our innocent Spider-Man. Explosions, beatings, humiliations, and innumerable misunderstandings later, Spider-Man gets out of this arc barely alive and emotionally traumatized. The point I’m trying to make: use condoms.
9. Amazing Spider-Man #588, written by Marc Guggenheim and drawn by John Romita Jr.
Just for reference, the goblin (named Menace) still tries to kill Spider-Man anyway, just y’know, her heart won’t be into it. It’s just business, like how you schedule meetings and fill out spreadsheets, or in this case, attempt to decapitate Spider-Man with a stop sign. And way to go Menace for winning against a man with an arm already in a sling. Watch for her next victory as she pushes people out of wheelchairs. Look, if you want to feel bad for Spider-Man, understand that he has been beaten many times before by various supervillains all carrying purses. Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, Menace – they’re as fashionable as they are deadly.
10. Amazing Spider-Man #604, written by Fred Van Lente and drawn by Barry Kitson
To be fair to Spider-Man, we’ve found recently that’s how most cops react when you’re rude to them. Plus, he’s not blindly insulting a police officer – the lady is the supervillain Chameleon in disguise (which is his only super power if you don’t count ballsy high kicks). Honestly, I don’t think there’s much of a lesson here except to be suspicious of authority and wary of those in charge. Marvel’s not pushing for anarchy, but if it’d boost sales, they probably wouldn’t be opposed. Also, after ten of these kicks and hundreds of punches I didn’t show, Spider-Man should probably wear some sort of armor. At least a heavy jacket.
I hope today was educational. Next time Spider-Man gets kicked in the head, think of me. Please. I have a very specific fetish.
You love ninjas, right? Of course you do, because you love Batman and Wolverine and the hundreds of other superheroes who’ve studied with the hordes of ninjas roaming around the world. Seriously, they’re everywhere – I don’t know how any politician or businessman makes it through a single day without a blowdart in the neck or ninja sword through the abdomen. I’m not great at math, but did you know that comic book mysteries begin with ninja assassinations 100% of the time? So Marvel has this great idea: instead of always having our superheroes go to Japan or another vague Asian country to fight ninjas – which take at least ten pages of airplane humor and a foiled terrorist attack – why not bring the ninjas to New York City? Create an entire ninja society with appropriate architecture and culture smack dab in Hell’s Kitchen. And these new New York-based ninjas’ proud grand leader? Daredevil, of course.
In Shadowland #1, written by Andy Diggle and drawn by Billy Tan, you’re about to witness supervillain-on-supervillain crime. The Hand, Marvel’s premier ninja group, has to be led by someone evil and Daredevil’s turned to the bad side. It’s also a weird demon possession, but we can ignore that. Right after Bullseye leaves the Dark Avengers pretending to be Hawkeye, he returns to Hell’s Kitchen to do whatever supervillain stuff he normally does.
Notice the black outfit, always a bad sign in the superhero costume community. Though it’s odd his ninjas get to rock that famous crimson, but Daredevil has to look like an actual ninja. Note that like all supervillain henchmen, these ninjas are terribly weak and ineffective. Spider-Man could take on hundreds of them without breaking a sweat, and he hasn’t spent his entire life in an obscure monastery devoting his entire life to learning martial arts. That’s the life of a henchman. Bullseye has no actual superpowers, but you know without a bead of hesitation that he can wipe out entire small countries of ninja henchmen before he even takes the smallest knife wound. And he does.
How could this fight end in anything but Daredevil versus Bullseye? All Daredevil’s doing is dumping his ninjas straight into the toilet. Luckily since this is comics, his ninjas number somewhere between all of them and infinite, but still, someone has to clean up all the ninja goo splattered all over the pavements and ceilings and everywhere else they futilely attack a better fighter. Poor ninjas. They should really try techniques like body armor or shields or finding a non-murdering line of work.
It took two-thirds of the fight, but finally the two of them get to fight. Also, this Daredevil lacks all the charm and good vibes and mercy that normal Daredevil has. Turns out a hundred and twenty issues of non-stop misery wears Daredevil down a bit. So while what happens next is easily dismissed as demon possession (giving Daredevil a pass when this Marvel event ends), it’s delightful to know that Daredevil is still suffering lingering effects of this five years later in current continuity. Because he’s a jerk. Because he deserves this. Because we as readers don’t have the strict moral compass of superheroes.
Daredevil’s dead! On an unrelated note, you like lists, right? Lists are the cool thing now, right? Good, let’s do one of those next time.
We jump to the tragic life of modern Daredevil, where his only victories came in not having his entire life destroyed and everything he’s fought for become meaningless. These are dark days. In the current story from Daredevil #79, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by Alex Maleev, Daredevil’s secret identity is outed by a tabloid. That’s right – because if he must go through physical trauma such as stabbings, beatings, and the normal superhero punishment combined with the emotional trauma of watching loved ones die in front of him and his unhinged sanity of keeping the overwhelming chaos from consuming him, we should add mental trauma to that list. It creates the full trifecta of never-ending sadness.
Then Kingpin comes forward admitting he has physical proof that Daredevil is actually Matt Murdock. Bullseye wants the documents. We pick up halfway through the issue and mid-fight.
Oh yeah, and Daredevil is married. Long story made short: she’s a sweet civilian who like Murdock also happens to be blind. Common interests build strong relationships, you know. Luckily, and not just for vengeance purposes, Daredevil gets an ally this time – someone just as ninja-y as our protagonist. It’s Elektra, because let’s be fair, you already see her in the page below before your eyes wandered to this text. Note that this Daredevil isn’t playing any games today. He hasn’t experienced joy in fifty issues. So when I offhandedly mention that Daredevil is tired of Bulleye’s crap, I’m underplaying just as much.
Arch-nemesis must be more than scary, dangerous bad guys. No, the superhero must need the supervillain – some terrible psychological aspect of having the opposite qualities (whether that be physical or personality) placed inside another person. Or at the very least, what the supervillain represents. Like say, how Spider-Man and Green Goblin represent different paths genius can take. Iron Man and Mandarin bring us technology versus magic. Red Skull’s a Nazi. But Bullseye? Daredevil doesn’t need him. He doesn’t represent anything symbolic for our crimson hero. And unlike the complex give-and-take of many superheroes with their dear arch-nemeses, Daredevil only possesses one emotion towards Bullseye: pure, unbridled hatred. Bullseye exists solely to be a bug for Daredevil to step on every few months, albeit a giant bug with claws and a shell and razor-sharp antennas and projectile venom and anything else dangerous a bug could have.
The fight isn’t over. Not for another five pages. To give a compliment where it’s due, Bullseye can take major punishment. We’re talking Punisher-level amounts of abuse and suffering. Now’s a good time to tell you that soon after this, as some sort of half-reward for being an awful person, Norman Osborn makes Bullseye an Avenger. He gets the penthouse suite, the ID card, and everything. People love and cheer for him. So as you watch the upcoming beatdown, know that Bullseye’s life is about to become awesome – he deserves far worse than what Daredevil and Elektra give him. Sometimes good things happen to bad people.
Everything about this fight gets wrapped up in a delightfully visceral bow. But as satisfying as Bullseye’s conclusion is, remember what I said at the very beginning. Daredevil can’t win. The poor guy has a span of about a hundred issues of constant torment far beyond what we non-powered wussies can endure. So when you see Bullseye lose so spectacularly, that only means Daredevil has to lose by that much more.
One more to go! Shadowland is next!