Cammi and Drax in space, Pt. 2

Our current favorite duo — Drax the Destroyer, an alien/human hybrid with unbeatable fighting skills, and Cammi, a 10 year-old with both above average intelligence and moral skepticism — get to fight in the Annihilation Wave war.  For those not in the know, Annihilus, the bug ruler of the Negative Zone bug dimension decides to conquer the galaxy with his bug army and whatever else Thanos gives him. It goes badly for our heroes.  But Nova Richard Rider leads the defense with the help of superheroes/villains such as Drax, Gamora, Star-Lord, Ronan the Accuser, Firelord, Red Shift, Stardust, and other minor characters I’ve never heard of.

Note: this all takes place before the Guardians of the Galaxy officially forms (the Star-Lord version of it anyway).  Another note: the Guardians of the Galaxy you loved so much in the theater this weekend formed in 2008.  This team has only been running around the universe for six years, so don’t feel bad if you haven’t heard of them.  Oh yeah, and Cammi and Drax and stuff.  But first, war!

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See Star-Lord?  He’s the cyborg with the robot eye.  He’s been through some tough times.  Anyway, like all good war literature, the vicious battle must be spread throughout moments of quiet reflection. The soldiers calmly eat and hang out in the makeshift camps before dawn breaks and the next battle begins.  I like to think of Cammi and Drax as friends and confidants, but both are so emotionally damaged that I think the push/pull relationship between the two is the closest they’ll get.

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So why does Drax keep an eye on Cammi?  She’s resourceful, but totally useless in a fight.  Most likely, it comes down to Moondragon, Drax’s daughter.  Surprise: Drax isn’t a terribly good parent. Superheroes tend not to be (Batman, Wolverine, Cyclops, Hulk, Catwoman, etc.) with the whole lifestyle of fighting crime against dozens of psychopathic killers.   But like what Wolverine does with young X-Men girls, Cammi can give Drax a second chance to feel those feelings again and whatnot. Protect a child to make up for not protecting his own daughter.  Which brings me to this plot twist:

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Okay, so maybe Drax isn’t Wolverine.  If the Destroyer has to choose between keeping his daughter alive and killing Thanos, the big purple guy drops dead every time.  And Cammi now has an ear to add to her collection of morbid alien mementos.  Moondragon’s capture means the end of Cammi and Drax’s friendship.  I mean, they’ll still stay buddies and all, but it’ll have to be long distance. Remember what Cammi figured out earlier: Drax isn’t fighting to save the galaxy from Annihilus, he’s using the army to get close to Thanos.  And so I present to you, the last time our two ever see each other.  Ever.  It’s amazing, and make sure you read Nova’s commentary.

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So begins the battle of Drax versus hundreds of thousands of Annihilation Wave bugs.  Armed only with a pair of knives and abs too glamorous to hide behind a shirt, our hero selflessly sacrifices himself to protect Cammi, Nova and all his other friends.  That’s just what superheroes have to do, being selfless and sacrificing themselves and fighting the entire enemy force all by their lonesome. Y’know, except not.

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Drax’s character developed by not developing at all.  He won, for one, which alone deserves a standing slow clap.  But like Cammi predicted and Nova got terribly wrong, Drax only stayed behind to break off from the military and sneak into Thanos’ ship.  No sacrifice, no selflessness, but totally fighting the entire bug army himself.

The war continues, but Cammi takes a backseat, as you can imagine from her inability to fight. But don’t worry, as she continues to be a pain in the butt for as long as the others can handle her.  She has a reputation to keep up.

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I won’t spoil any of the last two and a half issues of the Annihilation series for you, but I will provide you with a bunch of teasers to make you angry you don’t own this comic yet.  Also, have you noticed just how grander the stakes are in outer space?  Sure, one of the burroughs of New York might be wiped out if the Avengers don’t hit Kang the Conquerer with a hammer enough times, but if our cosmic superheroes fail, the galaxy blows up.  Things get exciting.

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When the fate of trillions of planets are at stake, even our dear Galactus, Devourer of Worlds, pitches in.  My friends, Cosmic Marvel rocks.  So what happens to Cammi?  We’ll cover her new Drax-less adventures on Wednesday.  Until then, all I can give you is foreboding and Cammi’s new ally: Thanos’ Chaos Mite fairy.

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Cammi and Drax in space, Pt. 1

As we last left off our galaxy’s most wanted man and his companion, a mean 10 year-old child, the two of them had jettisoned into space for more adventures or whatnot.  And by adventures in space I mean caught up in the largest galaxy-wide war in recent history.  Luckily, Drax serves a perfect place in this ongoing conflict.  The brute who has murdered away across every solar system gets to act as a mentor-ish for the main character of the Annihilation event: Nova.  Also, a bunch of stabbing.  But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  We’ll be taking a look today and Monday at the following:
Annihilation: Prologue one-shot, written by Keith Giffen and drawn by Scott Kolins & Ariel Olvetti
Annihilation: Nova #1-4, written by Dan Abnett & Andy Lanning and drawn by Kev Walker
Annihilation #1-6, written by Keith Giffen and drawn by Andrea DiVito

To start, let’s pick up exactly where we ended.  Like the very next scene in Cammi and Drax’s space arrest from the end of last time’s article.

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A couple of things to take note.  Drax’s personality begins to really shine during this series.  Last time, we witnessed his triumphant return to the Marvel universe after an elongated absence.  Now we’ll see his essence being molded into the grumpy, violent Drax we adore.  Oh, and did I mention that a war’s about to start?  Annihilus (leader of the Negative Zone) and Thanos (former wielder of the Infinity Gauntlet) team up to wipe out the galaxy.  The Nova Corps — Marvel’s Green Lantern Corps — get to fight in the initial battle.  And by initial battle I mean genocidal ambush.

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Drax and Cammi, though vital to the story, take a backseat role to the sole surviving Nova, Richard Rider. It’s understandable, considering the Annihilation: Nova series has his name in the title.  The planet Xandar, the Nova Corps headquarters, houses the supercomputer Worldmind which contains all the Nova Corps superpower energy.  It’s Marvel’s Green Lantern Central Power Battery.  With the Nova Corps all dead, Richard Rider gets all the Nova power for himself.  Every bit of it.  Also, the annoyingly sentient Worldmind.

Before all that, prepare yourself for some angst:

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Note that not even sub-zero temperatures are enough for Drax to put on a shirt.  We’ll touch upon one of the most common and important of comic book clichés: the “I can’t do this, I don’t have enough power to save the world!” thing.  Allow Drax and Worldmind to enlighten Nova on his potential.  More Worldmind though, as Nova’s helmet contains the sole remaining computer data needed to run the hard drive or RAM or Solitaire or whatever.  I’m not very technical.

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I hope you didn’t miss Cammi complimenting Nova’s butt.  I’m more impressed that a 10 year-old knows the word “glute.”   So Drax doesn’t know Rider’s the only survivor of the Nova Corps.  From all of their interactions so far, Rider’s just a weirdo yelling at a computer.  Y’see, normal Nova Corps members can’t do much, but not this Nova.  If he grows some cajones, it’ll be like Green Lantern not just having a lot of willpower but unlimited willpower.  Character growth takes time though, so we’ll have to witness some cowardice beforehand from Rider.

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Let’s not be too harsh for poor Nova.  He did just witness an entire planet and all his co-workers spectacularly die moments before stumbling into this bug cave.  Hold out hope: Rider held the rank of Centurion before the Annihilus Wave attack — they’re the elite squad.  The dude just needs some confidence in wielding a power that could destroy planets, and who better to help than a Destroyer? Y’know, and our two protagonists need Nova to escape this planet.

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With Nova’s abilities reaching the peak they should be (and I’m skipping all the pep talks and warp portals), Drax and Cammi decide to stick around with Nova for a bit.  Drax will explain in the next page.  Mainly the best place to stand during a battle is behind the biggest gun.

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On Monday, war!  Bugs will be sliced, friendships will be tested, and the aftermath sets the stage for the beginning of that wonderful Guardians of the Galaxy team we’ll all see in the theaters today.  I’m super excited too!


Cammi and the rebirth of Drax

With the Guardians of the Galaxy movie coming out on Friday, I figured I could shamelessly increase my hits.  So for a few articles, let’s explore some of these weirdos and their wacky space adventures — that’s the theme of the movie, right?

We start with Drax the Destroyer.  Marvel history can be confusing (50 years of continuity will do that) so let me explain him as briefly and simply as I can.  Born a normal Earth man named Arthur Douglas, Drax’s car gets blown up by the cosmic supervillain Thanos.  His daughter Heather (now the superhero Moondragon) gets kidnapped as well.  The Titan god Chronos puts Douglas’ spirit inside a super cool new Drax body complete with all the usual superpowers. Now, Drax lives to kill Thanos again and again (because the dude keeps coming back to life).  We pick up in Drax the Destroyer #2-4, written by Keith Giffen and drawn by Mitch Breitweiser, as a young girl named Cammi watches Drax — currently a brain-trauma’d prisoner — fight off the other prisoners who crash landed on Earth.

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So that fight may have been strange without any context.  Sorry.  But Drax is dead.  Weep your tears, my friends, because as strong as Drax is, he can’t take a Skrull arm through the skull.  Though now a question is brought up that we don’t think about often.  What does one do with an alien corpse?  Does it eventually decompose?  Can we recycle it?  Our protagonist Cammi has an idea.

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Cammi gets a souvenir!  I’d like to announce that the young girl is a gifted astro-biologist prodigy, specializing in revitalize the blasted bodies of fallen extra-terrestials.  She’s not. Cammi has emotional issues and she wants a free alien corpse.  That’s pretty much the gist of it.  As far as presents go, it sure beats a Gameboy.

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A smoking corpse means a repairing corpse.  Let’s not worry about the how in this scenario. I don’t know how he comes back to life, and honestly, it’s not really explained.  But what we do get is a smarter, sleeker, tattoo’d Drax with no more energy blasts or flight or crazy amounts of super strength.  He makes up for it in sex appeal.

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It’s not Drax’s fault that he’s naked in front of a fifth grader.  She waited for him to pop out of his corpse egg — he didn’t hide in a bush with an open trench coat or anything.  When someone comes back from the dead, I assume they want some questions answered first.  Drax does that.  Then he gets pants.  In summary: first, all queries need to be completed to Drax’s satisfaction.  Second, cover up his penis.

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That grumpy, violent, hardened Drax we know and love?  He’ll be around shortly, showing his face more prominently in Friday’s article.  In today’s comic, with Paibok holding Cammi’s town hostage, it’ll be up to a (fashionable) Drax to save the day.  While he can’t blast Paibok in the face with laser hands anymore, he can always rely on the old fashioned methods.  Meet modern Drax, the Drax you’ll be seeing in the movie and the outfit he still wears today.

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Shirts are only for those without cool tribal shoulder tattoos.  This relationship between one of the galaxy’s biggest tough guys and a stubborn Earth child isn’t unique.  Menacing, scary superheroes have had child sidekicks since the beginning of comics (Hercules and Amadeus Cho, for example), but Cammi is unique as to her role as Drax’s tag-a-long buddy.  As in she contributes nothing.  She can’t fight, she has no superpowers, and she’s unabashedly rude.  I adore her.  She’ll become capable in time, but it won’t be anytime soon.  For now, here’s some violence to satisfy the quota:

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Next time, Drax and Cammi in space!  Also, a galaxy-enveloping war that threatens to wipe out all civilization as the two join the combined planetary powers in their struggle against Annihilus and Thanos’ bug army.  But mostly Drax and Cammi’s growing friendship.

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Punisher vs. Thor

For a man like Punisher who’s so grounded in human limits and reality (to a certain extent), he’s more similiar to Thor — a Scandinavian thunder god who can fly and shoot lightning — than we think. Thor’s hammer isn’t for carpentry, after all.  Ever since Punisher’s teenage years and when Thor was an adorable godling, these two have been entrenched in the soldier lifestyle.  Hell, I bet Thor’s killed more people than Punisher could dream of.  But today, they have to fight, as (are you sitting down for this?) the Punisher is currently on the run from the law.  Time for Avengers to take care of this matter, hence our upcoming conflict from Punisher: War Zone #3, written by Greg Rucka and drawn by Carmine Di Giandomenico.

Frank Castle currently hides in Nicaragua, and by hides I mean wrecking havoc on every weapons trader he comes across.  For a man wanted by every enforcement agency in the known world, he leaves quite a mess everywhere he travels.  So, after the Punisher bested Spider-Man and Black Widow, a more powerful force needs to be called in.  All that’s left is for Thor to find his prey.

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We can be honest here, right?  The Punisher doesn’t stand a chance against Thor.  Not a freakin’ chance.  No weapon or device in his arsenal can even scratch Thor, much less take down the strongest Avenger.  Seriously: Castle could shoot with him with every bullet, rocket, grenade, mine, and whatever alien guns he’s using — it wouldn’t even make Thor bleed.  So being the smart soldier, knowing his time with Thor holds only one conclusion, he’ll have to use the thunder god for something useful instead.  After all, Thor’s better against these weapon traders than every bullet, rocket, grenade, mine, and alien gun the Punisher possesses.

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You remember that scene from Avenging Spider-Man #4 where Hawkeye explains to Spider-Man that he can never, ever miss an arrow shot, because on a team with gods, wizards,  Iron Men, super soldiers, and more, a single missed shot would only make him a normal man instead of a superhero capable of competing on the same level as his other teammates?  It’s relevant.  Punisher most likely spent weeks tracking these men down, finding their weaknesses, engaging in long firefights, watching out for flanking, etc. — and Thor takes down the whole camp in seconds with a single lightning strike. Damn right Hawkeye never misses.

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Now comes the philosophy part of our battle.  I guess the “vs.” in the title is misleading, huh?  No more punches get thrown, but we do get a very revealing moment as we all realize that of course Thor understands everything about Punisher’s mission.  Captain America understands the horrors of war, and Wolverine understands the necessity of killing, but Thor gets why he fights.  While our thunder god may not be on the same intelligence level as Tony Stark, he has a wisdom gained in his thousands of years that the others occasionally lack.

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I’ve made it my personal mission in my own life to never take advice from anyone wearing a cape, but Castle will just have to obey.  It’s not like he can run away.  And that al-Qaeda beard of his won’t let him book any escape flights anyway.  Let Thor rant about war for a while, because it’s most likely the topic he knows the most about anyway.  That or mead.

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“I fight in a war,” the Punisher states, but how amazingly poignant is Thor’s response to that line? “No, you have made a war so that you may fight.”  Just as that exact same reasoning can apply to a multitude of heroes (Batman), we know the end result.  The Punisher’s comics must continue and thus any sense Thor makes will be thrown to the wind.  And oh my goodness does it.  Two issues later and Castle fights Iron Man, Spider-Man, Black Widow, Captain America, and Thor all at once. It’s an eight page battle, which is seven pages longer than Superior Spider-Man lasted when he tried to same thing.

Thor’s plea falls on deaf ears to the Punisher.  As Plato puts it, “Only the dead have seen the end of war.”  That’s more Punisher’s style.


Invincible vs. Conquest

You know Invincible, right?  Normally I only cover DC or Marvel (if just because that’s where the entirety of my knowledge lies), but we forget that on the fringe edges of the comic book universe, other superheroes fight baddies in their own fictional worlds as well.  Like Invincible, the teenage Superman-esque superhero created by Robert Kirkman (who you know as the writer of the Walking Dead).  It premiered in 2003, and is still going strong over 100 issues all linking to one coherent and beautiful story (both those statements also apply to the Walking Dead).  But since plot seeds get planted dozens of issues before they sprout, a cast of characters that would take many paragraphs to explain, and twists that break and repair your little heart time and time again, it’s sort of difficult to find a good Invincible story to show you all.  Luckily, my dear friend Mark Johnston pointed out something that I can touch upon — the primal emotional brutality of the fight scenes.  Let’s take a look today at one of those from Invincible #61-65, written by Kirkman and drawn by Ryan Ottley.

Luckily, the beginning of this arc gives us a thorough explanation of the past few issues.  Y’know, the arc where Angstrom Levy sent dozens of evil versions of Invincible to totally wipe out large portions of the population.  One of the joys of a world not attached to DC or Marvel is that ability to destroy it and reshape it as much as the writer wants.  This should take care of any major back story:

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There’s Invincible (real name Mark Grayson) sitting bedside next to his girlfriend Atom Eve, who received some injuries during the last battle.  Think of Invincible as a younger Superman-type half-alien superhero — definitely the strongest on his planet, but with a surprisingly more complicated family life than the Man of Steel.  His girlfriend’s a human with pink forcefield powers.  There.  No more beating around the bush, let’s get to the set up.  I really shouldn’t write these things at midnight.

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Long story, but think of the Viltrumite people as Kryptonians and this dude as an uglier General Zod flunkie.  Time for some punching, but if you haven’t done so, you should stop here and read the first twelve issues of Invincible.  It’s not as if you won’t understand today, it’s just that the first twelve issues are really, really good.

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Doesn’t this remind you a little of the Man of Steel movie finale?  In about five images, it won’t, but hasn’t enough time passed that we can admit the movie wasn’t that bad?  A great Superman story? No, not really, but as a standalone action flick?  Totally awesome.

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I’m always secretly excited when the bad guys are drawn to be physically imposing.  Conquest (the supervillain’s name) dwarfs Invincible, despite somewhat comparable abilities.  Good.  I don’t think it’s a jock-versus-nerd mentality as much as simply that bigger dudes are scarier dudes.  How frightening would Galactus be if stood only five-foot ten?  That and it would take him way longer to devour the world.  But I promised you brutality.  Blood and gore, right?  Here’s your first taste:

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Remember when Superman died fighting Doomsday?  It wasn’t as if his buddies weren’t around, it’s that Superman was the only person on the entire planet who stood a chance of defeating this behemoth.  And trust me on this, because Doomsday’s first six issues or so consist entirely of the monster tearing superheroes in half.  So when Conquest flies down to Earth, Invincible has no choice — he’s legitimately the only one with enough power to take this dude down.  There’s no Kryptonite in the Invincible universe, my friends.

Still, what sort of superhero fight would it be if our protagonist’s loved ones didn’t intervene?  Miracles can happen and whatnot, especially when the world is watching Grayson getting his face caved in.

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Time for our hero’s lady to save the day!  She’s a superhero too, gosh darn it, and deserves a piece of action just as much as the Grayson does.  If Invincible and Conquest equally match each other’s strength (maybe Conquest a tad higher), the best plan would be to throw a wrench in the fistfight with some other type of cool superpowers.  Let’s watch.  Remember, even godlike Superman sometimes needs to be saved by the human Batman (though Invincible and Atom Eve tend to make out a bit more than Superman and Batman).

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Oh.

By the way, if Superman decided not to hold back, that’s exactly how his fight against Batman would go.  You can imagine Invincible’s response to Conquest shoving his arm through his girlfriend’s body.

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Listen, Atom Eve isn’t dead.  She doesn’t die here.  But Jason, you say, isn’t that a huge spoiler that ruins almost all the suspense of the story?  Kind of.  But she lives, and I’ll tell you why it’s important you know that: if you want to go back and read the series Invincible, you’d start at the first issue.  But I’m showing you sixty three issues down the line — that means every time you see Atom Eve, her relationship with Invincible, and all the phenomenal build-up, that gnawing little thought burrowed in the back of your brain tells you that she’s going to die.  Why get too attached then?  It’s a spoiler that ruins the experience, so she totally lives.  I promise.

Unfortunately, I’m not giving you the end of the story — go buy the book for that.  Here’s a taste:

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I love this series, and I get just as excited each month about this as my Marvel/DC comics.

Have a great weekend, you deserve it.


Aquaman’s Eel problem

About four years ago, I remember watching Saturday Night Live discuss one of President Obama’s triumphant debates over the Republicans.  I forgot the context and the reason, but Seth Meyers made this joke:

Come on, Republicans … you thought you could take down Barack Obama by debating him?  You realize debates are why he’s President, right?  Seriously, all you guys do is complain how Obama is “all talk,” and then you invite him to a forum that is literally all talk. That’s like saying, “Let’s see how tough Aquaman is when we get him in the water.”

Y’see, each of the DC superheroes has their strengths and weaknesses — some physical, other personality — but those downsides are what make the characters so interesting.  And Aquaman?  So maybe he’s not so great to plop down in the Middle East, but may the DC gods and goddesses help whoever decides to challenge him in the ocean.  The supervillain Eel learns this lesson the hard way today in Aquaman #21-22, volume six, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by Patrick Gleason.

So currently, Aquaman patrols the city known as Sub Diego.  It’s part of San Diego when an earthquake submerged half of it and all of a sudden its inhabitants could breathe in water and no longer breathe air on the surface.  You can read an old article I wrote on it for more details.  But much like all other great DC cities, the mobsters, criminals, and supervillains still make their home there — even if they now live underwater.  Time for Aquaman to show these baddies who they’re dealing with (spoiler alert: Aquaman).

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I’m not saying that a killer whale makes for a better sidekick than, say, Robin, but Hollywood did make four Free Willy movies.  So let’s consider Sub Diego simply a wetter Gotham City.  They even have their very own criminal mastermind, out to take control of the city’s underworld (though isn’t everything sort of considered the underworld now?).  Meet Eel (real name Mortimer Coolidge), a telekinetic so insignificant that he only appears in six issues total.  Three of those are alternative reality Flashpoint issues, so they don’t even count towards canon.  But despite his lousy future, he’s still full of delightful supervillainy ambition.

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When Aquaman has to face the new head of Sub Diego’s mafia — an experience he probably didn’t have to face often in Atlantis — who does he turn to?  Who in the DC universe has fought mobsters more times than Superman’s saved Lois?  And it’s a bunch, because she falls out of a lot of buildings. Aquaman turns to the only other humorless member of the Justice League who, unlike Aquaman, cannot ride his sidekick.

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Can we take a moment and appreciate the cool upwards angle of the Batcave in that first picture?  But let’s talk about Batman’s comment (and ignore him handing Aquaman a deus ex machina) before we continue.  I kinda do think Batman enjoys the “chase,” but that’s only because his entire self revolves around fighting bad guys.  Batman can’t exist in a world without crime, and his claim does apply to most of the Justice League as well.  Hal Jordan lives for the “chase.”  So does Wonder Woman. Green Arrow needs it.  Definitely Nightwing.  Probably not Martian Manhunter, but he has other major issues to deal with.  It’s hard to be a superhero and not enjoy the adrenaline rush that goes with it. Either way, time for Eel to realize the folly of his ways.  Water plus Aquaman equals this:

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Eel’s telekinesis only works around water, but when the local superhero bursts through walls like a fishy Kool-Aid man, what chance does Eel possible have?  On that note, our dear Aquaman makes the mistake all good superheroes do once in a while: he underestimates his opponent.  Mainly because what type of fight would this be if it’s over in a single page?

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Round two, my friends.  Despite Coolidge’s second wind, his opponent wildly outclasses him.  Since I already shamelessly plugged another one of my articles earlier, have you read the article I wrote on mismatched superhero battles?  I should tell you that my self-esteem relies entirely on my blog’s hit count.  Oh yeah, and Aquaman pounds on Eel.

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Look, all these other pages still likely hasn’t convinced you of Aquaman’s water superiority.  It’s just a normal fistfight at this point.  But y’see, Aquaman can’t lose.  Like he had the fight wrapped up from the moment Eel dropped into the water way back in Sub Diego’s origins.  We’re in Aquaman’s house, and his house is disgusting.

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I hope Batman’s taking notes.


Jubilee’s baby, Pt. 2

Motherhood can begin with a surprise, like rescuing a baby from a terrorist meteor strike in Hungary. Most of the time I assume babies show up mainly from two people who love each other very much in the bedroom, but in the Marvel universe, freak scenarios occur far more often.  The X-Men’s resident vampire now has her own kid, officially and eternally hers, and as we pick up exactly where we left off last time — it’s time for a vacation.  The infant just become an official member of the X-Men, after all. Superpowers include random vomiting and sleeping 18 hours a day.

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Besides Wolverine’s female clone X-23, I bet he has dozens of other identical clones running around so that he can be on every team and in every story and travel to every location in every comic. Oh, and Jubilee doesn’t actually have full leg tattoos, those are just cool leggings.  Remember, she’s more fashionable than we are.  I imagine most of us dress like a shabbier Wolverine, and that’s just our facial hair.

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You ever wonder how the X-Men get so much money?  Professor X comes from a loaded family. Emma Frost is practically a billionaire.  Angel is a billionaire.  The X-Men students run Angel’s company.  The school even sits on a living piece of land — nuclear tests made it sentient, duh — named Krakoa that can grow diamonds.  So Wolverine and friends bankroll the entire school themselves, which includes replacing the exploded jet and paying for massive property damage every three issues or so.

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Jubilee worries she’s too young to have a child?  This girl has traveled the cosmos, fought world-destroying entities, saved the universe dozens of times with only a yellow raincoat and hand-blasted Roman candles. After all that, she can handle a baby.  More importantly, even if Shogo grows up and kills one or two people, she’ll still have done a better parenting job than Wolverine.  That dude’s offspring pop more psychopathy during puberty than zits.  Maybe that’s why dear Logan dotes so much on all the young X-Men girls.  Nothing pervy, just making up for a century of terrible parenting.

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Didn’t know Wolverine knew the real estate market, huh?  So before we begin our next section of the story, we should talk briefly about the X-Men crossover event Battle of the Atom.  As I explain this, no matter how insane this sounds, it actually turned out to be a wonderful story — lots of cool plot twists. I loved it and highly recommend it.  But recently, Beast went back in time to bring the original five X-Men (Cyclops, Jean Grey, Beast, Angel, and Iceman) into the present, hoping they would convince present-day Cyclops not to be such a jerk.  Big mistake.  So in Battle of the Atom, two groups of future X-Men go back in time to the present to force the original five X-Men to go back to the past. Essentially, you have five groups of X-Men — Cyclops’ group, Wolverine’s group, the original five group, and the two different future X-Men groups — and SHIELD, all with radically different ideas about what to do with these original five.  I promise you, it’s a great story, no matter how convoluted it sounds.  Anyway, it gives us some important Jubilee/Shogo scenes.

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But all that’s not enough for me to warrant showing you scenes from Battle of the Atom.  Here’s what is: the future X-Men bring with it not only future Colossus with a Hulk Hogan mustache, but future super vampire Jubilee as well.  That and one more surprise.

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Aw, how delightful!  You get a glimpse into the happy-Shogo-and-Jubilee future!  Even with no superpowers, Shogo still gets an Iron Man ripoff armor to go fight bad guys with.  As for current developments in the Jubilee and Shogo adventures, I point you to the most recent arc of X-Men. Unfortunately, I can’t post it because it doesn’t actually end for another month in X-Men #17, but I’ll give you a tease from X-Men #13, written by Brian Wood and drawn by Clay Mann.

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Go buy the comics, because what kind of monster would you be if you don’t support mutant vampire Asian teenage mothers?

 


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