Hawkeye & Spider-Woman: a love story

I’m not going to lie, Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) does well with the comic book ladies.  He’s handsome, confident, has a criminal record, and saved the world a few times – a combination that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex.  But he is also a devoted, loving husband.  Well, was. About two years ago, his wife Mockingbird and he broke up in the desert while Mockingbird stood outside  a plane as it blasted off, as comic book relationships should.  Luckily, he’s a catch and unlike the other blond Avenger, he wasn’t born in a time when swing music was popular.

Spider-Woman (real name Jessica Drew) may be a bit more unknown to you.  Her parents were terrorists, who experimented on their baby to make a super baby.  She can fly, has enhanced physical abilities, shoots bio-electric blasts from her hands, and can excrete a pheromone that makes men suddenly attracted to her.  Also, she’s in absolutely no way related or associated with Spider-Man.  Long story short, she’s recently back after being abducted by a shape-changing alien race called the Skrulls and ready to battle the bad guys.  Oh, also date again.

Brian Michael Bendis, the genius comic book writer, has spent over a decade writing Ultimate Spider-Man, the best combination ever done of punching and high school drama.  He’s brought his talents to the pages of The Avengers, and it’s no less high school drama-y.  I love it.

Did you know the Avengers have a mansion where their butler serves them cereal or whatever?  It’s nice to be an Avenger.  Our romance starts when the extraterrestrial Noh-Varr brings over his human college girlfriend.

Yeah, now Hawkeye knows she available and desperate: his type of woman.  By the way, circus boy isn’t really an insult – he grew up on a circus with his supervillain brother Trick Shot and mentor Swordsman.  Both fairly on-the-nose names.

Because they’re Avengers, they’re always moments away from some big battle.  Fortunately in their brief downtime, they get invited to a party with Thor and the Asgardians, currently living in the ruins of Oklahoma.  Spider-Woman and Ms. Marvel sneak off to a corner of the Viking-esque palace so they can gossip while sipping their cosmopolitans mead.

Just because they’re superheroes doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.  Sure, Ms. Marvel’s costume is more of a one-piece swimsuit with boots and Spider-Woman has no pupils, but why shouldn’t they find love?  At least for Drew.  Ms. Marvel’s out of luck.

The Avengers comic had this brilliant idea that the stories would be told as if the Avengers were sitting down for interviews for a documentary.  I beg you to go read it in its entirety, but at least you get to enjoy moments like this.

It’s like The Bachelor confessionals!  Only unlike The Bachelor, we don’t hate everyone in the Avengers.

So let’s witness the two’s first real flirt.  I promise you it’ll go exactly as you hoped it would.

Were you hoping for awkward?  I’m always amazed at how blindingly overconfident Hawkeye is about everything.  His outfit is bright purple and his most useful superpower is glue arrows.  Even when Bucky joined for a while as Captain America’s replacement, he had a cool bionic arm.  I don’t deny that “master marksman” is a neat title.  It just doesn’t compare to say, “able to bench press a minivan,” which at the time of this issue, 11 of the 15 Avengers could.  And of the others who don’t have super strength, Iron Fist’s the inheritor of a millennium old kung fu magic, Dr. Strange’s the Sorcerer Supreme, and Mockingbird is Hawkeye’s ex-wife.  I adore Hawkeye, but his trump card is an arrow attached to a net.

Still, just because Hawkeye recently got out of a bad relationship, why can’t the two hang out for a while?  This could be healthy.  Especially Spider-Woman, because she’s a mess.

C’mon, you tell me, what’s a little harmless flirting?  Tony Stark does that with every woman he has ever met in his life.  What’s so different about these two?  Well, this is the cover of the next issue:

You see, when two people battle a possessed Hulk, currently carrying a hammer of Thor, it brings them closer together.  No matter how tough a superhero claims to be, nothing makes them wet their pants faster than an angry Hulk.  And you’ve seen the movie, he’s always angry.  As the team retreats from the battle, it’s either the adrenaline or Hulk blood’s actually an aphrodisiac, but we’re finally rewarded for months of teasing.

A lovely moment!  Though Ms. Marvel cannot get away from being this side plot’s third wheel.  That poor girl.  She doesn’t even wear pants, why can’t she get some superhero action?  About two years ago, Venom ate her and revealed to Spider-Man that she has a little crush on him.  Nothing’s come out of it, and they’re both single.  Plus, Spider-Man’s dated supermodel Mary Jane Watson, currently has a high-paying job as a mad scientist, and he’s a proven family man by providing for his elderly Aunt May.  Ms. Marvel could do way worse.

Anyway,  after the romantic moment shared in the back of a truck, watch Barton seal the deal.

I know you want some satisfaction on this budding relationship.  I’m going to give it to you.  Because nothing is hotter than making out in the Avengers garden where they bury dead superheroes.

Captain America’s such a c-blocker.  Though if you have any complaints about Yankee Doodle, skirting the subject isn’t one of them.

See?  A real couple!  They’re still together too, because this issue was only a few months ago. They’ll probably stay together until one of them gets sucked into a phantom dimension or turned into a communist robot.

In case you’re curious, Captain America’s in a serious, long-term relationship with the niece of the woman he fell in love with during World War II.  Oh, and he used to date the Scarlet Witch, who was married to a robot.  And let’s not forget Diamondback, a supervillian whose superpower is gymnastics.  So if that’s the dating standard for the poster boy of how a superhero is supposed to act, Hawkeye and Spider-Woman stand a very good chance.