Lex Luthor’s ’90s mystery hair, Pt. 2
Posted: 03/27/2015 Filed under: Characters, DC 4 CommentsWhen we left off, Lex Luthor II, an Australian illegitimate love child, came from the bowels of the southern hemisphere to conquer and retain all the beautiful cash/influence/whatever businesses do from his dead father Lex Luthor I. They look almost the exact same, except for a fiery gorgeous mane around Boy Wonder Lex’s head. And more importantly, this new Lex is about to gain something else his father never had: love.
So I should probably explain – and explaining Supergirl history is the comic book equivalent of a calculus test or MENSA exam or understanding why people drink decaf coffee. There have been numerous Supergirls, all with their own origins, insane plot devices, and one of those Supergirls once dated her horse. This Supergirl in the page above comes from an alternative dimension where she lived as the girlfriend of a hairy, good guy Lex Luthor. And most importantly, if a Supergirl is to fall in love with a Lex Luthor, the junior remains the far better choice than the senior.
But we both know I’m not fooling anyone. Where’s the conniving evil Lex Luthor we know and love? What’s the secret waiting to be revealed about this younger, sexier, furrier Lex Luthor? Surely, he’s just using Lexcorp, Supergirl, and everything else gifted to him for some selfish and malicious goals, right? Of course he is. Of course he’s conniving and evil and selfish and malicious and other negative adjectives. Because the genius behind the big reveal I’m about to show you isn’t in the scientific trick about to be ripped open, but that this Lex Luthor talks in an Australian accent. That in the world of comic books – a world that allows Superman to be completely disguised with a pair of glasses, Lex Luthor speaks in an Australian accent for roughly the next two years until everyone figures out the truth sometime in 1994. Also, Lex Luthor I survived the plane crash from last article. Obviously.
Even ejecting out of the plane so Lex can run off to a mountain mad scientist laboratory won’t cure his terminal cancer. No, more drastic measures must be taken. An obese, cancer-ridden body just won’t do for DC’s greatest (or second greatest) supervillain. So for your continued amazement, I present to you the truth behind Lex Luthor II. And while I know you’re going to be disappointed with the way the art in these next few pages obstructs our view of Lex Luthor’s penis, I think we can all agree that we don’t need to see it to know its huge. Like the size of his penis probably qualifies as a superpower. Fictional or not, I know that the only thing comparable in size to Lex’s dick is the disgustingly gigantic size of his balls. Though honestly, with Lex’s pettiness and overcompensation, a case could also be made that the opposite is true about his genitals. He could be holstering a toothpick with some raisins. And since Lex Luthor is a drawing on paper, we’ll never get the real answer, but let’s all just compromise and assume at least his private parts aren’t average in size. I feel like I accomplished something today.
In a twist you most likely figured out last article, Lex Luthor II is actually Lex Luthor I in a cloned body. We should have always known by the prominently excessive head of hair – when one can remake one’s physical attributes, a bald man will always opt for hair. Don’t let any bald guy lie and tell you otherwise. The original body gets thrown into a dumpster or whatever, meaning that from 1992 until the reboot in 2011, that Lex Luthor you’ve been seeing is a clone with Lex’s brain put in. But with the big reveal behind us, Lex Luthor can go back to being a jerk (secretly for now, though) – he chokes a woman to death a few pages before the ones below just because he can. And what terrible timing too, as Superman just died. Doomsday punched him to death. Here’s Lex’s megalomania-induced eulogy:
Next time, everything implodes, Superman returns, and Lex Luthor loses all his hair. The hair probably saddens Lex the most.
Arousing Grammar 
This “Supergirl” wasn’t from Krypton. She was a protoplasmic being created by a Lex Luthor that lived in the same “pocket dimension” that the Time Trapper created as a trap for the Legion of Super Heroes (to conveniently explain why the team still existed after Crisis now that Superboy – the raison d’etre for the group – was no longer part of Clark’s history).
After that Superboy died trying to stop the Time Trapper from destroying the dimension, 3 criminals from Krypton were accidentally let loose from the Phantom Zone, and they ended up killing 5 BILLION PEOPLE. That dimension’s Luthor created Supergirl based on Superboy and Lana Lang in order to stop them. Unfortunately, she couldn’t handle all three, and Lex sent her to our dimension to get Suerman. Supes stopped them by using Gold Kryptonite from their dimension to strip them of their powers permanently (the K from the pocket dimension had a different wavelength then the kind from Clark’s native dimension, so it had no effect on him).
Despite this, the criminals threatened to continue their murder spree without their powers and find a way to not only get their powers back, but also look for a way to enter Clark’s dimension and kill everyone there was well. Since the criminals destroyed the Phantom Zone Projector to keep from being sent back, Supes executed them with Green Kryptonite from their native dimension.
Since that Earth was all but an empty wasteland, Clark took Supergirl (real name Matrix, derived from “Protoplasm Matrix”, the material she was composed of) to our Earth and left her in the care of his parents, who called her “Mae” and taught her how to adjust to life on this dimension.
If you think this was complicated, I’m not even scratching the surface. Later on she bonds with a human girl permanently and loses her shapeshifting powers, fights demons, falls in love with a horse/angel hybrid (who turns out to be her lesbian friend and no I did not make that up), gets wings of fire, finds out she’s an Earth born angel, loses most of her abilities, gets the costume that Supergirl wore in the animated series, meets the pre-Crisis Supergirl, and eventually retires the SG identity and takes on a new one that kinda wasn’t canon due to licensing rights or copyright or some other bullshit. Then we got some other SG that sucked and lasted for 5 minutes until DC realized she blew homeless goats and replaced her with another that was basically a re-hash of the pre-Crisis one, except she dressed more slutty. THEN, Nu 52 happened and we got another Supergirl that wore some kind of panty shield thingy in lieu of actual pants, and these weird knee-less thighboots, then she became a Red Lantern and started puking blood all over the place.Way to go, DC! THE END.
90 comics, what good times!
The bitter irony is that not only did Lex come back from the dead, but so did Superman, as well as that woman Lex mentioned that he strangled. She was Sasha Green, his self-defense instructor who he murdered in a jealous rage after she kicked his ass in front of Lois and Supergirl. Then the aliens from the Bloodlines event found her corpse and feasted on her spinal fluid, which activated her latent metagene and brought her back to life. Sasha gained the ability to copy a person’s skills, memories, personalities, behaviours, and even appearance via skin contact, as well as maintaining a link to that person allowing her to control them, and see and feel what the linked person does. Lex found out she was alive and tried to kill her again by sending an assassin to finish the job, but Sasha stole her skills and weapons, then used the assassin’s burned corpse to fake her death, now assuming the new identity of Myriad.
But much like 99% of the dozens characters that popped up in comics in the early 90s, she sucked and was never heard from again. DC didn’t even bother to kill her off with most of the other Bloodlines-spawned heroes in Infinite Crisis.
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