Ultimates vs. Hulk

We’ve had a long week, so let’s end it with a fistfight.  No better way to end a comic book week than with a beatdown.

In Ultimates #5, written by Mark Millar and drawn by Bryan Hitch, the Ultimate Marvel universe’s answer to the Avengers, the team of lovable superheroes goes up against a perverted Hulk.  It’s been a good eighty articles since I’ve talked about the alternative universe.  I hope you don’t mind if I recycle text from my third ever article:

A little backstory is required that hopefully won’t take too long.  In the “normal” Marvel universe, it’s unwritten but implied that most of the heroes have been fighting evil for like upwards of fifteen years or more.  For instance, Spider-Man is most likely in his late 20s.  Iron Man and Captain America are probably around 35.  So how does Marvel attract younger readers when all the most popular characters are the same ages as their dads?  Well, the company attempted to solve that problem. They created a new “side” universe, called Ultimate Marvel.  There, the characters were reintroduced as younger, and their origin stories were re-calibrated for a modern era.  Ultimate Spider-Man was the first comic they tried, making Peter Parker a 15-year old kid who gets his powers from a genetically altered spider and works for The Daily Bugle as their webmaster.

Nowadays, Ultimate Marvel is a shell of what it used to be, and they’ve used crossover events to pretty much destroy large sections of the planet and kill off over half the major characters.  But we’re going back to the beginning, when the universe still had all its tools in the arsenal.

One-by-one the Ultimates tackle the Hulk in all his insanely powerful glory.  First up: Giant Man.

Well, that went badly.  Since we’re witnessing the first real struggle against the Hulk, the Ultimates don’t fully know his true levels of strength.  They’ll find out very quickly.  Plan A, consisting of cupping the Hulk in giant hands, went awry quickly.  Underestimation noted; time to tag in one of the heavy hitters.  Meet Iron Man.

Iron Man dutifully and goo-ily doing his part.  Time to wrap this fight up, and the best way to take care of a monster problem?  You can do far worse than Captain America.

He dropped a tank on him.  That he was sitting in.  The Ultimates rock.  Unfortunately 70 tons of metal dropped from an excessive height doesn’t even begin to slow down the Hulk’s rampage.  If all else fails, punch him in the face.

Luckily, the Ultimates roster isn’t completely empty.  With all the traditional means of beatdown exhausted, only option left is to meet Hulk on a power level equal to his own.  Like say, the god of Thunder, Thor.

Correct answer’s yes.  But for whatever godforsaken reason, the Hulk still stands.  Angrier.

Y’see, we still have one final Ultimate left.  And while Wasp’s power to become miniature seems useless against a beast that one-hit KO’d her fifty-foot husband, there’s one (small) advantage to her powers and the final chance to tip the battle in favor of our heroes.

One of the Ultimates will need a bath after this.

The keg of manpower has been tapped.  No more juice left in this superhero blender left to take on any remnant of Hulk that remains flailing.  Luckily, a knowledge of neurology has prevailed over brute force. Let that be a lesson, children.

A feel good ending if I’ve seen one.  Have a great weekend.