Spider-Man and Wolverine’s sleepover
Posted: 10/08/2014 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentWe’re jumping to the Ultimate universe, where Spider-Man’s in high school and Wolverine hasn’t discovered all those juicy secrets about his past yet. But just like the delightful “normal” Marvel universe, hordes of unnamed people still want to murder the immortal Wolverine for whatever mayhem he caused in the past/present/future. Luckily, Ultimate Wolverine has no problem hoisting his unfortunate situations upon other costumed heroes — as long as the heroes aren’t the X-Men or anyone with relevant experience in stopping covert military operations. I’m only going to show one scene in this arc today from Ultimate X-Men #34, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by David Finch, but it’s a good one. I promise.
First, the set up:
Cue three pages of Wolverine taking a hail of bullets and barely escaping with his life. Ultimate Wolverine isn’t quite as invincible as his normal universe counterpart. But a group of assassins are definitely out to kill Wolverine for reasons that aren’t revealed until the final issue of the arc. It’s six issues long and I’m only showing you twelve-ish pages from the first issue.
So with the ability to run or walk or do anything but pathetically crawl away, poor Wolverine has to go someplace safe. And by that, I mean the nearest place.
I get scared when I think I see a bug run across my carpet, much less the bloodcurdling fear I’d experience if I discover an unknown man hiding behind my boiler. Spider-Man has the right idea, screaming like a little girl, when he discovers this monstrosity bleeding all over his floor. Plus with Wolverine not being a threat, Spider-Man’s Spidey-sense didn’t activate, no doubt leaving a small amount of pee in Peter Parker’s underwear. Luckily, Wolverine explains the situation with all the verbosity and patience we’ve come to expect from the angriest and hairiest man who’s ever flirted with a teenage Jean Grey.
Let’s give Mary Jane Watson a break. She’s seen plenty of superheroes and supervillains up close by this point in her Ultimate Marvel universe life, but never the charred, bullet-ridden, almost-corpse of a half-yeti/half-man. Most importantly, she has to faint so Spider-Man can make that fantastic cinematic dive to catch her. Lucky for her, her lack of censorship when Wolverine wakes up makes up for a little of her fainting embarrassment. Also, she’s the only fifteen year-old to wear overalls who hasn’t just farmed for sixteen hours straight.
Problem solved. The two can go their separate ways and Spider-Man can call Wolverine whenever Doctor Octopus needs a good clawin’. I think I can see the building blocks of a beautiful friendship being born, especially now that the danger has long past and Wolverine’s safe and out of harm’s way from all those evil military people.
So goes the superhero life.
Batman vs. Bane: New 52
Posted: 10/05/2014 Filed under: DC, Fights 2 CommentsDo you enjoy Batman and Bane beating on each other but prefer the newer artistic techniques of modern day comics? Well, I’m not going to let you wallow in early ’90s self-pity. Today, we’ll cap off our five weeks of Batman-related articles (or we’ll keep going, I haven’t decided yet) with Batman and Bane’s newest battle in the responsibly titled Forever Evil Aftermath: Batman vs. Bane one-shot, written by Peter J. Tomasi and drawn by Scot Eaton. As with many things in the New 52, the venom-riddled Bane we know and love is back. No recovery, no speeches about weakness, etc. Just Bane’s veins pumped full of that delightful neon drug and a desire to pummel the Dark Knight until he has a permanent bat symbol stained on his fists.
Did you read the DC event Forever Evil? All the superheroes disappeared, the Crime Syndicate (evil Justice League) took over, and the bad guys briefly won if only by default because of no good guys were around to stop them. Bane used his time wisely. He took over Gotham City.
By the way, I love this issue — both speak in such grandiose terms and broad metaphors in between hitting each other with statues and stuff.
I get that the venom makes Bane superpowered, but for all his bravado, even he wouldn’t survive a thirty-ish story fall onto Gotham City pavement. And he’s a large man — it’d be a lot of mess to clean up. Sadly, Bane’s Kingpin of Gotham status lasts exactly until Batman shows his face again. Marvel’s Kingpin still traverses New York City with his ninja army and drug mules no matter how many times Spider-Man, Daredevil, or Punisher take him down. Hell, Daredevil and Punisher left New York months ago — the Kingpin outlasted even the superheroes. But poor Bane, because Batman’s far scarier than Spider-Man could ever be.
Beautiful movie action hero line by Batman. Has Bane thought about wearing sleeves or a helmet maybe? I’m no strategist, but when Batman ambushes him, he’ll almost certainly aim for the parts that aren’t protected by clothes. Batman certainly adjusted. As Batman’s costume has slowly evolved into armor over the past decade or so, we accept more readily that the Dark Knight can take a hit and bounce back. As you read these next pages, could you really see spandex Batman walking away from blows like these?
Obviously Bane has to lose this fight. It’s part of the downside of being a supervillain. But if we can give him credit, he took a fall from a skyscraper, four batarangs, innumerable punches and kicks, and a stone child to take him down. I’m just saying the Riddler would have been out by the first batarang. So while Bane hasn’t shown up in the New 52 since this issue, at least he went out like a man. A delusional man ranting nonsense and addicted to drugs. But still.
Batman and Superman switch powers, Pt. 3
Posted: 10/04/2014 Filed under: Characters, DC 4 CommentsBefore we begin, have you seen the cover for Superman/Batman #56? You should. It’s the issue we read today. Plus it includes Superman’s Batman-esque costume he received from Alfred last issue.
Right? Isn’t that awesome? For those who don’t know iconic pictures of American history, artists Rags Morales and Nei Ruffino recreated a super famous boxing photo of Muhammad Ali standing victorious over Sonny Liston back in 1965. Here’s the original:
I know, it’s great. Let’s get to the issue. Our big finale! It’s well worth the wait, to which you should go buy the arc as soon as you finish this article because your friends will be impressed and women will be attracted to you. Probably. Look, let’s not beat around the bush, you know what’s going to happen: lots of angry punching. But remember last time when Nightwing exposed a Superman-vulnerability to our Dark Knight of Steel? Mainly the dark part. Superman gets his powers from our yellow sun, much like Birdman. So constant exposure to sunlight keeps Superman at 100%, something to keep in mind coming up.
Batman brings up a good point. If Superman can take hits far beyond the ability of a normal man, our secret aggressor no longer has to hold back. Meaning in the 75 years of Batman history, you just witnessed Batman taking the most powerful, brutal, no-holds-barred punch ever in his entire history courtesy of Superman’s girlfriend (and feminist icon, strong solo character, and everything else associated with the most recognizable female superhero in comics — please don’t flame me).
Spoiler alert: Batman does it the hard way. So if the Dark Knight’s hard to beat in his normal squishy form, then the Justice League’s about to have their butt handed to them. As he mentions and as we know, Batman fights dirty and you’d have to be crazy to go up against him in a fair fight (like most of his rogues gallery). And for reference, yes, this is the mentally unstable Batman they’re facing — the one we’ve seen in the previous two parts consumed and pushed over the edge by the major superpower surge. Though it doesn’t make these next few pages any less satisfying.
So let’s talk about this scene. Let’s admire that the Justice League straight up stops the fight because they know three pages in they won’t be able to win. But those crazy voices? Besides being a scene I’m going to skip? It’s one of the most effective ways to stop Superman: mess with his mind. Use illusions, fight emotionally instead of physically, use truth bombs, etc. Superman may be a Man of Steel, but he has a paper-thin heart. We’ll skip Batman crying about his parents, but indulge in Batman’s final maniacal monologue (though on a small level, it is correct) before Clark Kent and Zatanna play their hand.
Don’t despair, you know this is what Batman really wanted. We saw how the venom made Batman into a similar monster. He simply doesn’t cope well with superpowers no matter how much he claims otherwise, much like me and a bottle of wine. Look, I adore Batman and we all knew the status quo would force the two’s switch to reverse itself. But as readers, writers, and Batman himself have pointed out constantly, the only real difference between him and his rogues gallery is that Batman’s obsession is justice as opposed to anything evil. And honestly, it’s my favorite thing about him. After batarangs.
Bittersweet endings still qualify as happy endings.
Arousing Grammar 