10 times Spider-Man got kicked in the head

There’s a deep freedom in the slow march to the end of this blog.  Forty more articles until I wrap this blog up – my shameless (and obvious) pandering for increased hits is no longer needed.  Now, in my very dark, very small, and very damp corner of the Internet, I can write about whatever I want without fear of such scary notions like negative comments, gradual apathy, and this emotion I keep hearing about called “love.”  It’s wonderful!  I’m free!  So today, because I gosh darn can, I present to you ten times Spider-Man has been kicked in the head.  You’re welcome, Internet.

1. Amazing Spider-Man #49, written by Stan Lee and drawn by John Romita

I like to think Spider-Man is ripping out Kraven’s chest hair in that second panel.  There’s nothing wrong with fighting shirtless – hell, Kraven spent years fighting dinosaurs or riding eagles perfecting those powerful pecs and his beautiful chest shrubbery.  Let him fight in just a vest and capris; that man has earned it.  And Kraven probably shouldn’t go bragging about his strength to Spider-Man. That’s like bragging how strong you are to a wall by punching it.  Spider-Man can juggle cop cars while Kraven is listed on Wikipedia as an “Olympic-level athlete.”  The only thing Kraven is “far more powerful” than Spider-Man in is the ability to grow a mustache.

2. Amazing Spider-Man #81, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Romita, John Buscema, and Jim Mooney

I don’t know why Spider-Man fights so many supervillains who hate sleeves.  Go ahead, I’ll give you a chance to guess Kangaroo’s super power.  You’re wrong, it’s not jumping.  He can actually carry babies around in a stomach pouch.  By the way, when do supervillains eventually learn modesty? Spider-Man has solved dozens of crimes and stopped dozens more bad guys, and this Kangaroo – a man whose superpower is to kick slightly harder than the average man – isn’t the least bit intimidated?  But if you want some trivia, the Kangaroo dies forty issues later when he runs into a fatally radioactive room because Spider-Man told him not to.  If the real world had stakes similar to the comic book world, every middle schooler would perish by eighth grade.

3. Amazing Spider-Man #170, written by Len Wein and drawn by Ross Andru

Ginger Teddy Roosevelt turns out to be more eloquent than I expected.  Note that Spider-Man’s losing a fight to a man who’s smoking a cigarette.  GTR takes himself down a notch with an occupied hand and the beginning phases of lung cancer, and Spider-Man still can’t gain any ground.  Our dear supervillain (real name Doctor Faustus) has a thick Austrian accent, so go back an re-read that panel in your best Schwarzenegger – it makes everything easier to swallow when you realize Doctor Faustus’ only superpower (and I’m taking this directly from the Marvel wiki) is that he holds “an MD in psychiatry [and] is very charismatic.”  Spider-Man just got kicked in the face by a man less like a supervillain and more like someone who Oprah would give his own show.

4. Amazing Spider-Man #287, written by Jim Owsley and drawn by Erik Larsen

Daredevil fights so often that he just lets his mind wander, like when you think of what to get at the supermarket during a boring work meeting.  When Kingpin comes back into town, only the inhumanly fast and strong Spider-Man has the guts to stand up to him.  Unfortunately, and I’m not making this up, the Kingpin is actually Daredevil in a fat suit.  Just like Tyra Banks when she walked down the street as a fat woman, desperate to know the struggle, so goes Daredevil.  And also just like Tyra Banks, Daredevil jump kicks his friend in the head.  I’ve seen America’s Next Top Model – it’s cutthroat.  While Daredevil wrestles with the idea of an evil Kingpin dominating New York City, there’s nothing heroic about punching a fellow superhero in the face.  I mean, unless the other superhero is possessed or under mind control or a clone or from an alternative dimension or a secret robot or gives a mean look or forgets a birthday or really any reason the writer can justify.  In summary, comics have no rules.

5. Amazing Spider-Man #379, written by David Michelinie and drawn by Mark Bagley

That many not be the real Spider-Man, but anytime a cyborg who looks like a shrunken head clobbers a monster using his cloven hooves, that comic has my full attention.  The cyborg Deathlok’s a great character if you prefer your heroes without noses.  The Spider-Man doppleganger actually belongs to the supervillain Carnage, a bad guy who’d make a list of supervillains most likely when touched to be sticky.  And you ask, how did Deathlok get involved in a Spider-Man story?  Trust me, with the cast of this issue, the only explanation is every hero and villain’s name got was shoved into one of those lottery spinners.  Winners get three panels for a quick speech about why they’re essential.

6. Amazing Spider-Man #409, written by Tom DeFalco and drawn by Bagley

I looked up this Joystick character (mainly so you didn’t have to), and I can 100% conclude that Joystick is the perfect 1990s superhero.  She has a superhero name that completely sums up the decade (meet her friends Tamagotchi and Pogs), a rocking ‘tude (she’s overconfident and flirtatious!), powers that are vaguely stolen or unoriginal (think Psylocke’s weapons), and a costume that takes far more effort to draw than it is cool to look at (she’s the most fashionable bee in her hive!).  It’s beautiful and we’re all better people for knowing about Joystick.  She may be a “game-player,” but the only game she’s playing is with my heart.

7. Amazing Spider-Man #427, written by DeFalco and drawn by Steve Skroce

I like to imagine that all superhero foreplay eventually devolves into a slugfest.  The one who bleeds the least gets to be on top.  If Spider-Man’s still conscious, he should make a move – his marriage to Mary Jane is about to fall apart/demonically wished away soon anyway.  In a few pages, Spider-Man mentions that while he doesn’t want to be sexist, he didn’t think Delilah (the Nasty woman above) would give him as much trouble as she did.  That’s important many years later during Ms. Marvel and Spider-Man’s first date when we see Ms. Marvel carrying Spider-Man around the city snugly in her arms, like how a loving mother holds her soft newborn baby.

8. Amazing Spider-Man #510, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Mike Deodato Jr.

Unlike real people and solely because of the type of literature that superheroes are portrayed in, they must name all their injuries in the same manner as a grocery list.  And for a superhero with a specific super power used entirely to dodge attacks, Spider-Man sure gets hit a lot.  I know you remember when Gwen Stacy and Norman Osborn made sweet love with each other and then Stacy became pregnant with twins and this was all retconned later after an editor gave this compelling reason: “Eww.”  That mysterious boot belongs to one of the twins, who now takes out his budding anger and brutality on our innocent Spider-Man.  Explosions, beatings, humiliations, and innumerable misunderstandings later, Spider-Man gets out of this arc barely alive and emotionally traumatized. The point I’m trying to make: use condoms.

9. Amazing Spider-Man #588, written by Marc Guggenheim and drawn by John Romita Jr.

Just for reference, the goblin (named Menace) still tries to kill Spider-Man anyway, just y’know, her heart won’t be into it.  It’s just business, like how you schedule meetings and fill out spreadsheets, or in this case, attempt to decapitate Spider-Man with a stop sign.  And way to go Menace for winning against a man with an arm already in a sling.  Watch for her next victory as she pushes people out of wheelchairs.  Look, if you want to feel bad for Spider-Man, understand that he has been beaten many times before by various supervillains all carrying purses.  Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, Menace – they’re as fashionable as they are deadly.

10. Amazing Spider-Man #604, written by Fred Van Lente and drawn by Barry Kitson

To be fair to Spider-Man, we’ve found recently that’s how most cops react when you’re rude to them.  Plus, he’s not blindly insulting a police officer – the lady is the supervillain Chameleon in disguise (which is his only super power if you don’t count ballsy high kicks).  Honestly, I don’t think there’s much of a lesson here except to be suspicious of authority and wary of those in charge.  Marvel’s not pushing for anarchy, but if it’d boost sales, they probably wouldn’t be opposed.  Also, after ten of these kicks and hundreds of punches I didn’t show, Spider-Man should probably wear some sort of armor.  At least a heavy jacket.

I hope today was educational.  Next time Spider-Man gets kicked in the head, think of me.  Please.  I have a very specific fetish.