Loki tales

Of the big three Marvel supervillains, Loki falls in the middle when it comes to complexity (behind Magneto and ahead of Doctor Doom).  Though to give credit to Dr. Doom, he’s the only one of the three who currently still qualifies as a supervillain.  Anyway, Loki has a firm belief that all the trouble he causes does not spawn from his own sociopathic behavior, but his fate preordained as the god of mischief.  Most likely his horrible actions spurn from the grease fire of jealousy towards his good-looking, charming half-brother.  Plus, his first few embarrassing defeats can’t really help.

He premiered in Journey Into Mystery #85, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Jack Kirby, where he gets his butt handed to him by Thor.

And then again in Avengers #1, also written by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.  Add that to the unfortunate side effect of causing the Avengers to form a team in the first place.

A bad first impression, certainly.  We fast forward 50ish years to our lovely Loki’s very own miniseries, specifically Loki #3-4, volume 2, written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa and drawn by Sebastian Fiumara.

Like all those wonderful myths you learned about in school, gods get bored and play with the lives of others. In this one, Loki convinces the old and blind Hoder to accidentally chuck a spear at his brother Balder.  I guess dodging magical weapons was more fun to the gods than say, watching a baseball game or something.

As you can no doubt predict, the throw goes very, very badly.

But I have more taste than to just simply show you images of impaled gods.  Nope, it’s the aftermath that makes this story so wonderful.

Piece of cake, right?  Surely every god, frost giant, raccoon, and whatever else will certainly cry for Balder’s death.  Personally, I just don’t think enough exciting stuff happens in immortal realms and the gods play crazy games and make silly bets to pass their time.  Though after thousands of years, I guess Xbox ain’t going to cut it anymore.

Surprisingly, every living thing in the nine realms does weep for Balder.  Well, except one.

Ah, the beauty of this moment!  Loki’s trickery brought Balder to his grave.  Loki’s trickery allowed Thor to make a secret deal with Hela.  And when the moment comes to strike the most pain, to bring the most suffering as victory becomes within reach, oh, does Loki take sweet advantage.

Malicious grins make for the best smiles in comics.  To be fair to Loki, I’m only showing one side of his perceived viciousness.  I mean, did you hear about that one time he fought a giant troll?

Loki’s reason for help?  Not exactly revealed, but we can assume either sympathy for those picked on or a brief flash of heroism.  Who knows?  Still, gives him an excuse to carry around a battleaxe.

Luckily, glimpses of the true Loki quietly spill out as the battle concludes.

Finally, after the adrenaline rush of troll blood on his robes, Loki gets drunk on ballsiness.  Maybe he needs to balance out the good karma received.  In the cafeteria of the Asgardian gods, Loki wounds his peers the deepest way he knows how: through the heart.

Now Loki’s tough.  Very tough.  Farm trolls everywhere fear him.  But to speak of such treacherous acts among gods whose size of their egos are only matched by the size of their biceps?

In the final moment of this scene, we get that pure burst Loki joy we’ve been seeing hints of during the entire miniseries.  And it’s beautifully poetic as Loki embraces his horrific destiny as the totem of destruction.  Well, at least I think so.

See the conviction in his eyes?  He’s totally committed to getting whacked by Thor’s hammer for the rest of eternity, no matter how many furnaces he gets thrown into.  That’s definitely respectful, in a twisted, uncomfortable sort of way.

Professor X: memory hog

I interrupt our normal schedule for a special current event article!

So Professor X died today in Avengers vs. X-Men #11, written by Brian Michael Bendis and Olivier Coipel.  Killed by Cyclops, currently possessed by the Phoenix power.  Remember?  That fiery thing that can destroy entire worlds with mere thoughts?  I just want you to know that Professor X didn’t go out like a punk.

His actual death scene is plastered all over the Internet, but don’t forget that beforehand the professor gave his star pupil a righteous spanking.  While this certainly will make for a few months of gloomy, nostalgic X-Men comics, Professor X is kind of a jerk.  You see, when you’re a mutant with omega-level telepathy skills (no matter how good the intentions), there will come a time when you abuse them.  Because you always know everyone’s waking thoughts, movements, motivations, and pasts. All I’m saying is that just because you can totally blame Cyclops for Professor X’s death (the Marvel universe certainly will), the good professor ain’t exactly innocent himself.

Let’s go back to 2006 and take a look at some select scenes from X-Men: Deadly Genesis #4-6, written by Ed Brubaker and drawn by Trevor Hairsine and Scott Hanna.

You might need some back story.  Scarlet Witch, the reality-controlling mutant, destroyed and then recreated the world.  Everyday X-Men stuff.  But when the world went back to normal, Professor X (real name Charles Xavier) found he could suddenly walk.  Only one problem: he no longer had any mutant powers.

And that angry guy with the yellow glow?  His name’s Vulcan, and his team once rescued Cyclops (real name Scott Summers) from the evil Krakoa island.  Oh, and one more important thing:

Delighted by the flashback above, right?  Cyclops finds a lost sibling!  Except once you scrape off the initial layer of puppies and rainbows, the truth cake gets moldy and filled with shards of glass.

After the rescue, Cyclops returned to the mansion and Professor X looked through his memories to find out what happened.  He did not like what he saw.  Y’see, our Summers thought the Krakoa Island released him to go gather more mutants.  Nope:

After saving Cyclops, the entire rescue team was then murdered by a lava monster.  Ouch indeed. That and Cyclops just saw his brother incinerated.  Professor X took a drastic step.

Oh, did I forget to mention a crucial part of our story?  You know where Professor X said he’d gotten them all killed?  No lie.  Looking to rescue his own X-Men, he plopped over to his friend Dr. Moira MacTaggert’s place and borrowed her majorly unprepared mutant team.  Proof:

MacTaggert’s children lured by dreams of fighting in the big leagues, Xavier gave them a quick training session and then promptly sent them to their death.  So his decision of what to do with Cyclops’ memory ain’t exactly selfless.

Just in case I haven’t made it perfectly clear, Professor X had no intention of having his rescue team get slaughtered by a lava monster.  But overwhelmed by guilt, Xavier erased Cyclops’ memory of the events and basically hoped everyone would forget all this happened.  And they did, except that Vulcan survived and now the truth has been revealed.

The aftermath?  Well, first to deal with the miniseries’ antagonist and the immediate threat:

If you want to read more about Vulcan, who’s a pretty cool villain, he spends his days attempting to beat up all the cosmic Marvel heroes, the fancy name given to the superheroes who go on space adventures (like Nova, Rocket Raccoon, Silver Surfer, Black Bolt, a talking tree, and others).

With the revelation of Professor X subtly manipulating the memories and minds of his students throughout the years, he received his appropriate punishment.

Eventually he gets his powers back and joins the fight against the Phoenix Force.  Despite his faults, at least Professor X dies the way he deserves.  Like a superhero.

Taskmaster’s amnesia quest

Do you know about the supervillain Taskmaster?  Well, all those bad guys don’t become awesome overnight.  Y’see, someone has to train them and get them properly punching Spider-Man and the other do-gooders.  That’s where Taskmaster comes in.

He first appeared in The Avengers #196, volume 1, written by David Micheline and George Perez in 1980.  Easily one of the worst costumes in the Marvel universe, but also totally one of the most unique and interesting villains.

All those weapons and tools?  Tony Masters (aka Taskmaster) has the special ability of photographic reflexes.  Once he sees something done, he can imitate it perfectly.  Hence the replica of Captain America’s shield and Hawkeye’s bow and arrows.  Here he is in his first fight against the Avengers:

I love the logical, yet cowardly retreat.  As the decades went by and Norman Osborn took command of the legion of superheroes and villains employed by the government, someone needed to pump these guys and gals into fightin’ shape.  So Taskmaster became super important.  Until Osborn attacked Asgard, his reign collapsed, and Taskmaster was forced to go into hiding.

We pick up in Taskmaster #1-4, volume 2, written by Fred Van Lente and drawn by Jefté Palo.

Turns out poor Taskmaster has some amnesia.  Look, I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure the human brain can only hold so much information.  You try to photographic reflexively memorize a whole bunch of fighting styles and eventually stuff like names, faces, and birthdays will be forever lost. Probably.  My theories tend to be right about a third of the time.  I know Taskmaster #3 explains all this far better than I ever can.  Though he definitely has amnesia and he got it from his special powers.

And this is where everything goes bad.  After all, this is a superhero comic.

One of my favorite things about this comic is the neat way the Van Lente and Palo show his imitated skills during the combat scenes.  Cool touch, right?

In true destiny-laced storytelling fashion, Taskmaster’s takes the waitress with him on his journey:

Thus, the two go on a few wacky adventures.  Like fighting a Día de los Muertos Zorro:

And a town full of Hitlers:

Most importantly, gotta mix in some soul-searching and somber contemplation:

A delightful comic!  But now we have to get to the heart of the miniseries and the reason I chose to write an article about it.  Taskmaster finds out some of his origin secrets.  Back in the day, he injected himself with a Nazi serum.  Thankfully, not the skin-burning one Red Skull used on himself.

With his identity fully realized, only one thing left in a fantastic story formula.  Plot twist!

Isn’t that awesome?  Also, further proof Taskmaster has zero control over his own life.  Lots of tragic manipulation going on.  Frustrated that no matter how firm a grasp he makes on his future, it will always slip out of his slimy hand, Taskmaster makes a decision.  Time to go to a secret warehouse to arm up for a final stand against the Org and the battle for his life.

Battle goes well.  I mean, guy trains supervillains for a living.

Though our story ain’t complete without the last boss kicking and punching our hero amid the littered bodies of bloodied henchmen.

The dilemma?  Let Taskmaster educate you:

Either he’ll be killed by the bad guy or win the fight and lose all his memories again, including any knowledge of his wife/happiness.

Want another reason that when done well, comics can be a medium of storytelling that words alone can’t match?  Watch on the second page as we witness his decision between two horrible options without a single word:

You know what happens next.  Victory came with a price.

The epilogue of this story remains beautiful, emotional, and absolutely heartbreaking.  And I’m not going to show it to you, I’m sorry.  I wanted to, but it relies on facts and imagery from conversations and actions I didn’t touch on.  Oh well.  But now when Taskmaster shows up in comics you read, at least under that silly costume you can appreciate the threat he poses.  And that’s all a supervillain can ask for.

The adventures of Mandrill

No better way to start off the week than chronicling the appearances of a minor supervillain!

Despite his ape features, Mandrill’s a human mutant with the incredibly creepy superpowers to excrete pheromones that make every woman in the vicinity immediately attracted and enslaved to him. Yup, which means his only weakness is the other half of the population.

Actually, I’m quite proud of myself, because this is easily the largest collection of issues I’ve put together for one article.  To avoid having to name each one I’m going through, here’s what we’ll be looking at select scenes from today (in order):

Shanna the She-Devil #4, written by Carole Seuling & Steve Gerber and drawn by Ross Andru
Daredevil #110-112, volume 1, written by Steve Gerber and drawn by Gene Colan
The Defenders #91, written by Ed Hannigan and drawn by Don Perlin & Pablo Marcos
Avengers West Coast #66, written by Roy and Dan Thomas and drawn by Paul Ryan
Punisher War Journal #15, volume 2, written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Scott Wegener
Thunderbolts Annual #1, written by Kurt Busiek and drawn by Bob McLeod
Spider-Man: Breakout #3, written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Manuel Garcia
New Avengers #61-64, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by Stuart Immonen & Mike McKone
Spider-Man: Web of Romance one-shot, written by Tom Beland and drawn by Cory Walker

Okay, that was exhausting.  Let’s get to the good stuff.  Mandrill first appeared antagonizing Shanna the She-Devil, who’s like a female Tarzan.

Can you guess our recurring theme?  Mandrill, despite his sexy powers, loses badly.  Every time.  In increasingly humiliating ways.  No matter how good looking of an ape you are, pet jaguars and panthers just can’t see that seductive twinkle in your eye.

But when he finally meets Daredevil, we get some insight into his tragic past and evil motivations.

How sad.  Anyway, in really the only major and ambitious threat he’s ever possessed, he tries to take over the White House.  First Mandrill president and all that.  Instead of campaigning like respectable politicians, he does the whole hostile takeover thing.  The Mandrill presidency lasts less than a minute:

Later, in possibly the only real character development the character’s gotten, he totally meets his parents.  Y’know, the ones who abandoned him and left him to fend for himself in the desert.  Spoiler alert: he’s not happy about it.  Oh, but first, how do the baddest of supervillains escape pursuit by angry superheroes?  Giant cave worm?  Nope, that’s Mole Man.

That outfit he now wears?  Hasn’t changed in 20ish years.  And I love it, because the only thing better than a mind-controlling monkey is a flamboyant mind-controlling monkey.

So, how does his mother feel about her son’s achievements?

Well, you see the results of poor parenting?  Half the X-Men are uglier than Mandrill, but because their parents enrolled them in a school instead of throwing them out of a car in the middle of nowhere, they fight bad guys and use their powers to save innocent people.  Mandrill, on the other hand, became a misogynistic, selfish jerk.  Lesson learned.

Over the next few years as we slowly advance into the modern age, Mandrill briefly pops a few times to get his butt kicked, and then disappears again.  Usually in the span of a single page.

Finally getting to the second half of the previous decade, he makes his living as a supervillain henchman.  President Mandrill has certainly fallen from grace.

Though, I’d be a horrible journalist (kinda?) if I didn’t mention his only shining moment of the past decade.  That time he enslaved Spider-Woman to beat up Spider-Man.  Finally doing something useful with those pheromones.  First page has nothing to do with Mandrill, but it made me laugh.  Plus, my love-affair with Spider-Man and all that jazz.

Behold, Mandrill at his most menacing!

Of course she breaks his spell, most likely out of sheer willpower.  My theory, and this is based on zero facts and entirely on conjecture, relies on Spider-Woman’s own pheromones.  Y’see, she also emits sexy smells, but hers are far more subtle, plus she’s not a manipulative creep.  Having experience with her own attraction pheromones raises her resistance to similar stuff a little, so the two spiders can deviously trick the monkey baddie.

Humiliation achieved, theme intact, PTSD acquired.  Poor Mandrill turns into a whiny little ape when his supervillain boss requests they all attack Asgard, where Thor and other dangerous gods live.

Super embarrassing to watch, right?  Luckily, The Hood (the boss dude) gets even whinier like twenty pages later.  Full evil karma circle.  Right now, we can assume Mandrill’s locked up in prison with all the other supervillain henchmen.  Will he show up in future comics?  Absolutely.

But to spend all this time chronicling our new buddy and end the article on that pathetic note?  No way.  How about a conversation with Spider-Man about Mary Jane’s birthday?  We’ll go out with a bang!  Though, still more of a whimper.

The legend of Jack Flag

Captain America has had a bunch of sidekicks, most of them grossly over-patriotic.  And while all the star-spangled costumers have disappeared from the pages of the Marvel universe, one continues to parade his American ideals around to this day.

Not Bucky.  He had a terrible run for a while as a Russian communist spy.  That ruins some of the nationalist pride.  Not Falcon.  He’s more of a partner than a sidekick.  Equal footing and all that.

Because you’ve read the article title, you know I’m talking about Jack Flag, who had a brief run in Captain America #434-443 back in 1995.  I present his first appearance in the comic book world:

He went on to have ten issues of exciting adventures.  Like this:

Jack Flag (real name Jack Harrison) created a citizen’s patrol with his brother in Sandhaven, Arizona. During one of their patrols, his brother was attacked and left paralyzed by the supervillain group the Serpent Society.  Later, while infiltrating the group, the supervillain Mr. Hyde attacked him and doused him accidentally in chemicals, which of course gave him super strength.

After issue #443, he disappeared for twelve years.  No big finale, no explosion to save a bus full of babies.  Nope, one issue he was there, the next issue it had been like he never existed. Until Thunderbolts #110-111, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Mike Deodato.

Norman Osborn, seeking a chance at public redemption (though let’s be real, not really), has gotten permission from the current director of SHIELD, Tony Stark, to become director of the Thunderbolts. They’re a team of supervillains plucked from prison, who if they go on dangerous government missions for a year or two, will be granted their freedom.  Or not.  But they get something out of it.  Y’see, because the Marvel Civil War had just ended, the main duty of the Thunderbolts were to capture and detain unregistered superheroes.  Y’know, superheroes who kept their identity secret, didn’t work for the government, and went into hiding.  Like Jack Flag, living that normal civilian life with his girlfriend Lucy in Cleveland, Ohio.

But once a superhero, always a superhero.  And the worst part of being a superhero?  Crime always seems to pop up right under their noses.  Stupid moral responsibility and all that.

Unfortunately, with technology what it is, his cover’s blown.  I don’t know how, just believe me.  Also, bad timing, as the Thunderbolts premiering for the first time in public, have to make a name for themselves.  What better choice than a washed up former sidekick?

The best part of showdowns?  Of course, the staring down between the heroes and the villains before the punches start flying.  Ellis and Deodato do it beautifully here.

Okay, need a quick overview of the Thunderbolts?  I’ll go super quick from left to right.  Songbird can fly and create physical soundwaves by screaming.  Moonstone has some magical powers like flight, energy blasts, etc.  Radioactive Man manipulates radiation.  Penance, former superhero Speedball, inflicts pain on himself to shoot powerful explosive blasts.  You know Venom, he’s Spider-Man baddie. Finally, Swordsman, former Nazi noble who can create electricity with his sword.  Oh, and the psychopath Bullseye, but he’s never good press so that have to keep him hidden.

I’m not going to show you the whole fight, though you do deserve some of the highlights.  By the way, odds aren’t good for Jack Flag.  That’s probably why they picked him to subdue for the Thunderbolts’ first public mission.

Pretty good so far, right?  Too bad Penance is way stronger than he is.

So with him properly beaten up, it’s time to flee and live to fight another day.  He may be a sidekick, but he isn’t a dumb sidekick.  Of course, because this series is called Thunderbolts and not Jack Flag, his escape gets hampered.  That jerk Bullseye.

Game over.  Want to see his final moments in the arc?

Luckily for us, Jack Flag returns to comics just under two years later.  Sadly, the Superhuman Registration Act still reigns strong, and our protagonist sits in jail.  Well, the superhuman jail called the Negative Zone.  It’s a separate dimension filled with lots of deadly creatures and conquerors. Thankfully, previously working with Captain America does have its advantages, like leadership skills and the ability to narrate large chunks of a few issues of the Guardians of the Galaxy series.

So where is he now?  Luckily, working with the space superheroes gives him access to special medicine.  Freshly non-paralyzed and unable to return to Earth, he does the only responsible thing a superhero can do.

And he’s been traveling the cosmos for the past two years with the Guardians of the Galaxy.  Oh, I don’t know where he found hair dye in the alien superprison either.  Your guess is as good as mine.

Deadpool joins the X-Men

Simple enough, right?  While Deadpool’s not technically a mutant, he did go through that whole Weapon X program that gave Wolverine that awesome admantium skeleton.  They also tortured Wolverine, erased all his memories, and made him into a mindless killer for decades, but unbreakable bones are kinda cool.

Though in our story for today, which takes place in Deadpool #16-18, written by Daniel Way and drawn by Paco Medina, he takes the direct, in public approach.  It goes as you expect.

But the X-Men are comic’s equivalent for any oppressed minority group in our real world.  And appropriately, Deadpool’s unlikable reputation and desire for reformation aren’t totally lost on the San Francisco-based group.

The lady with cross-boobs lady is right, and the X-Men should hang their head in shame.  Luckily, before the angst and tears can be brought out, a situation develops.  One that’s strangely non-violent. Probably because Deadpool’s not involved yet.  If you think the X-Men are only good at shooting fireballs or blasting eye lasers, you’ve never seen their legal skills.

Now, I didn’t want to show you all of that.  I’ve cut out about two-thirds of this arc, but that little situation sets up a bunch of stuff you’re going to need to know.

Norman Osborn, aka the Green Goblin, currently happens to be the director of HAMMER, the anti-terrorism group that replaced SHIELD.  He reports directly to the president of the United States, and commands tens of thousands of soldiers and superheroes.  Also, he’s an amoral, power-hungry jerk who’s not above manipulating situations to make his enemies look bad.  Like this mutant parent. More importantly, you know the X-Men have already solved the problem with just a few pieces of paperwork.

We should check in with Deadpool.

And our central conflict begins:

Oh, fantastic plot twist!  Deadpool, as a favor to the X-Men, decides to plop a few bullets in Kincaid. Unfortunately, that would only make the situation way worse, and also unfortunately, Deadpool’s too mentally deranged to be convinced otherwise.

Crazy stuff happens, hilarious jokes are made, and assassination attempts are committed.  But I’m already pushing close to 30 images today, so you’ll have to read that part yourself.  We’ll skip ahead an issue or so to Domino (the woman above) and her genius plot to stop Deadpool’s misplaced help.

You might not know this, but back in Deadpool’s Weapon X days, Domino served with him on their assassination squad.  So despite the backstabbing and open hostility, they’re actually sort of friends. When she hears Cyclops and Wolverine scheming behind the scenes, she sets Deadpool free. Mutants might have weird superpowers, but they all still have hearts.

I could skip those few pages you just read and the story would still make sense.  But if I did, you’d have to miss out on the next few images also, which provide an absolutely fantastic display of why Deadpool’s so crazy popular nowadays.  Look, if you ignore his schizophrenia, his emotional and mental instability, and his wildly unpredictable nature, Deadpool remains one of the finest tacticians in the Marvel universe.

I haven’t forgotten about Osborn.  If Deadpool succeeds in assassinating his target, the X-Men look majorly bad.  Like a horribly complete loss of any public support or sympathy.  And Osborn would like that very much.  So much that he’ll secretly kill the guy himself if Deadpool flakes out.

Y’see, Deadpool’s not such a bad guy after all, killing Osborn’s sniper and all!  Story’s over.  Except for that whole loose end, where the X-Men and the world just believed Deadpool shot at the guy. We’re almost done, but I couldn’t leave my dear readers without showing you some of the highlights of the battle you’ve been waiting for all article.

I chose this arc, not just because it’s super funny, but it’s also the closest Deadpool ever really gets to a happy ending.  You’ll see.

Because all Deadpool wants, the entire reason he’s trying to reform in the first place, is to gain the respect and admiration of his peers.  And while he’s not going to be an X-Men, one out of two goals ain’t bad.  Especially the warm, fuzzy goal.

Deapool’s Hit-Monkey problem

Deadpool’s not well-liked in the Marvel universe.  His tendency to murder, double-cross, and frequent violently impulsive behavior certainly doesn’t help.  But c’mon, the Punisher has all those qualities too and he’s – oh wait, nevermind.  Unlike the Punisher, Deadpool (real name Wade Wilson) still has feelings.  And he decided that the best way to become beloved is to simply stop being bad.

Once Deadpool crosses over to the hero side, certainly the praise/attention/ladies will just swarm him to his heart’s content.  So he goes to get advice from Spider-Man in Deadpool #19-21, written by Daniel Way and drawn by Carlo Barberi.  If you don’t remember or know Deadpool’s deal, I explained his powers, history, and all that jazz in a previous article.

Though, he does have an infamous assassin reputation to shed first.  Oh, and I decided not to edit out some of the language, it’s nothing major but probably not a good idea to read this with your six year-old on your lap.

Why yes, detective, he has.

But while Spider-Man doesn’t know this, Deadpool’s looking to make a fresh start.  And murdering a convenience store’s owner and buddies ain’t going to help him much.  That and his alibi.

More importantly, Wilson knows who committed all those gruesome murders.

Want to know why Deadpool comics have exploded in popularity?  Darn tootin’, villains and insanity like Hit-Monkey.  No backstory, no tragic history (well, actually the Hit-Monkey miniseries that came out after this explained all that).  Just a monkey who kills people and it’s up to Deadpool and Spider-Man to stop him.  Beautiful.

Understand that for the sake of story progression, I’m omitting most of the side plots and the corresponding jokes sprinkled throughout this arc.  Sorry, go read the issues for those, because it’s totally worth your time.  Either way,  Wilson’s taken measures to protect himself, because even with an accelerated healing factor, getting shot hurts.

Look, we can beat around the bush and I can show you a few more scenes of the two bantering, but that’s not why you’re reading this, right?  You want to see them battle Hit-Monkey, who looks exactly like a monkey assassin should.

Spider-Man and Deadpool have separately taken out villains that could easily destroy entire cities. Villains that have manufactured deadly diseases, hostile invasions, made the Avengers wet themselves.  Heck, Spider-Man once defeated the Juggernaut.  But both of them, in a matter of moments, had their butts handed to them by a monkey in a tiny suit.  Don’t worry, because Hit-Monkey’s smarter than the average monkey.  Also, possesses a lot more empathy.

Confused?  Let’s have Deadpool and Spider-Man philosophize over primate morality while mixing in the appropriate amount of bathroom humor.

Deadpool and Hit-Monkey’s final battle arrives soon.  How can our protagonist defeat the little predator?  That’s right, ambush.  Though, a constant rule among Deadpool comics forever holds that no one suffers more than Wilson’s allies and friends.

Now Deadpool gets to shine!  He lured the monkey to a trap!  He’s saved the city and avenged those who have fallen by the assassin’s hand!  I mean, he would have if he wasn’t fighting something so adorable.

Thankfully, Spider-Man isn’t dead.  If he was, we’d need a separate issue where he built a cocoon and birthed himself back to life (The Other joke, sorry).  But Spider-Man realizes there has to be a way to solve this conflict with less violence and more words and ooks.

Never mind.  Once a monkey assassin, always a monkey assassin.

And with that, the fight’s over.  We know from TV, movies, and comics that the best ending always involves some sort of explosion.  Plus, Deadpool can heal himself.

Yup, zero life lessons learned.  Zero growth accomplished.  Deadpool’s the Seinfeld of comics and we love him for it.