Catwoman vs. Black Mask, Pt. 1

In my last Black Mask article a week ago, I mentioned his eventual downfall at the hands of Catwoman.  Well, we’ll get to that.  The rest of the week involves Black Mask’s attempts to take over Gotham’s East End and Catwoman’s attempts to stop him.  Also, they’re both insane, vengeful people.  So it’s going to be fun.

Catwoman (real name Selina Kyle), I believe, is Batman’s soulmate, y’know, if he wasn’t already married to crimefighting.  So with her head held high in the early 2000s, she heads back to the slums of Gotham she grew up in and declares herself its new protector.  Like any good comic character, she quickly gains a fun, emotive group of sidekicks and side characters, and fights everyone from mobsters to ancient Egyptian death cults.  Most importantly, her life hasn’t been this good in a very long time.

Until Black Mask shows up.  Unfortunately for Selina, she recently and successfully masterminded a plot to steal 28 million dollars worth of diamonds from Black Mask’s men.  Big mistake.  Where our story currently picks up, in Catwoman #12-16, volume 2, written by Ed Brubaker and drawn by Cameron Stewart, Catwoman’s days are currently filled with lively, fun heists and running into delightful old friends.

With her diamond money, Selina decides to open a community center in the East End.  Being a hero and all that.  And I have to introduce Catwoman’s supporting cast, as they’re fairly vital to the story.

First up, the old man next to Selina is Slam Bradley, a grizzed old-fashioned detective who enjoys cigarettes and bar fights, like all private eyes do.  And despite his cliched attitude and background, understand that he’s been around since 1937.  As in a year before Superman.  As in he was the star of Detective Comics #1, the comic Batman would make his premiere in 26 issues later.  After a spattering of appearances since his comic run ended in 1949, he’s most recently hanging out with Catwoman in her solo series, as you’ve just seen.

The girl with orange hair is Holly Robinson, former runaway, prostitute, and junkie, now living and helping Catwoman with information gathering and girltalk.  Also, in 2004, Catwoman won a GLAAD award for Holly’s positive portrayal as an openly gay character.  Plus, she’s upbeat and feisty.

Enough of that though.  Catwoman is investigating some child crime in the area when she finds their hideout, which just so happens to be the exact hideout she was raised in as a child.

So as children, Selina, Sylvia, and a bunch of other children, were raised to steal, rob, and pickpocket from unsuspecting bystanders.  Very Oliver Twist-like.  Of course, their caretaker was a terrible, horrible woman and they eventually escaped.  Now, Sylvia runs the child thief group, but y’know, with not beating kids or crushing them emotionally.  So like half better.

Still, nice to run into her childhood best friend, right?  Oh, the happy surprises don’t end there.  But we should probably check in with Slam and Selina’s adult best friend Holly first.

Oh yeah, so Catwoman has a younger sister named Maggie.  Fated down the same demeaning and soul-crushing path that Selina went down, she eventually joined the nunnery to escape.  Well, not anymore.  Now she’s married and living that white picket fence life she dreamed about.

Community center opening!  Always the hottest ticket on the Gotham social scene.  Also, doesn’t hurt that Bruce Wayne showed up and made a speech.  He and Selina have a history.  A dirty history.

You see Catwoman’s smile?  No, seriously, go look at it again, because that’s the last happy moment you’ll see on this website for the next three days.  From the next image on, everything is just one horrific problem after the other.  I’m excited too.

Of course, first up to get revenge on Catwoman, you have to ruin months of her time and money.

The community center gone, the bad guys can now concentrate on Selina’s friends and loved ones.

With Maggie’s husband sufficiently kidnapped, might as well go for the matching pair:

Trust me, while they don’t show it, she’s as good as snatched.  Two buddies left.

There goes Slam.  Three down, one to go.  Though you’d probably want to know what’s going on, right?  Of course you do, you’re a curious individual.  Heads up, it mainly involves torture.

Well, you don’t become mob boss of Gotham without some sort of sick streak.  I mean, you know who he has to compete with.  Slam’s in the hospital, and the Kyles are hung up in Black Mask’s medieval torture dungeon, but Holly’s still around.  One for four ain’t bad.

And that’s the complete set.  Betrayals hurt even when not beaten by a large group of kids with skateboards.  By the way, you think you’ve seen Batman when he’s angry?  He’s a sleeping puppy compared to Catwoman’s rage.  Our story continues with the action packed second part tomorrow, where Catwoman beats the crap out of everyone who dared intrude in her life.

Superman and the Supermen war, Pt. 2

Where’d we leave off?  Oh yeah, Lex Luthor’s missile turned Earth’s sun red and all the New Kryptonians (along with Superman and Supergirl) suddenly reverted back to their normal non-Superman states, now suffocating in the vacuum in space.

To solve our new dilemma, we have to go back to Superman’s pals back on Earth.  Namely Flamebird.

Flamebird (real name Thara Ak-Var) is one of the citizens of the Kryptonian city Kandor that became New Krypton.  Kandor’s religious guild made her the new Flamebird, giving her pyrokinesis and few other nifty abilities.  Bad stuff happened and she ended up on Earth as a local superhero.  Oh, and she can do this:

Tragic, yes, but that’s how superheroes are supposed to perish.  Superheroes don’t die plopping over after a riveting game of Scrabble at the nursing home.  Nope, sacrifice and redemption are the only two ways to go.

With Superman and Supergirl being the only two survivors (maybe their time on Earth increased their lung capacity or something?), the armies now stand as follows:
Earth: 5,999,950,000
New Krypton: 7,000
Superman: 8

The battle shifts to Earth, where the New Kryptonians are going to town on the planet’s defenses. Well, except for Earth’s massive Kryptonite weaponry arsenal, powerful Kryptonite robots, and of course, Frankenstein.

The war of Earth vs. New Krypton lasts for an entire issue and has like seven side plots, like this one involving Supergirl and Zod’s wife Ursa:

But you have to read the book to see them all.  I’m scared if I post more than a third of the pictures from any issue or arc, angry DC goons will come to my house and break my legs with a replica Aquaman trident.  And besides, we’re focusing on the boy scout and the evil goatee’d general anyway.

Let’s be fair to our hero, Superman’s definitely a better fighter and more skilled with his powers than the other Kryptonians.  Fighting Metallo and Parasite twice a week for twenty years will do that. Unfortunately, the New Kryptonians were trained by Superman.  So that sucks.

If Metropolis would just clean up after themselves and stop leaving their battleships around, this wouldn’t have happened.  Luckily halfway across the world, Superboy had an epiphany beyond deciding to wear jeans into battle.  The Phantom Zone ghost prison would certainly be a better place for these alien invaders instead of them chucking cars at buildings.

This article and the last one, I’ve neglected most of what General Lane (Lois Lane’s father) has said and done.  After all, he’s the real architect of attacking New Krypton that caused this war in the first place.  And it wouldn’t be a Superman comic without arguments over moral issues and responsibilities.

With that threat taken care of, only one final obstacle stands in the way of Superman.  Remember when I said superheroes are supposed to die by sacrifice or redemption?  We’re going to get a big slap of the former.

When Nightwing says humankind, he really means Bruce Wayne.  That man broods enough as it is, how much more can he possibly fit into his day without his best bud around?  Before Superman makes sacrificial life altering decisions, he really should remember to ask himself, how will this affect Batman?  It’s the nice thing to do.

You want an epilogue, right?  You deserve it.

I’m going to chalk this up as a happy ending.  Because after thirty-ish issues from when the New Krypton stories started, Superman really needs a break.  A romantic flying off into the sunset break.

Superman and the Supermen war, Pt. 1

The most powerful hero in the DC universe!  So strong!  So handsome!  So righteous!  And he just made a huge mistake.

One day, Braniac (the super intelligent alien) attacks Earth and Superman saves the day.  As he always does.  But among Braniac’s trophies was the shrunken Kryptonian city of Kandor, neatly placed in a bottle.  Well, not anymore.  Now back to full size, Kandor and its population got their own nice little planet on the other side of the solar system.  Good and bad news.  Superman now has a hundred thousand of his own people, thought forever lost in Krypton’s explosion.  But because they now also live among a yellow sun, they all get Superman’s powers.

For those not in the know, to explain how Kryptonians are normal people on Krypton yet have crazy powers on Earth, writers decided that it was the sun’s yellow solar rays the triggered all those abilities.  Y’see, Krypton has a red sun, which keeps them at civilian strength.

Well, just because there are a hundred thousand Supermen running around, Earth should be safe as long as some power-hungry vengeful supervillain doesn’t take control of New Krypton and start a war with our lovely blue planet. Oh, except that’s exactly what happened in War of the Supermen #1-4, written by Sterling Gates and James Robinson and drawn by Jamal Igle.

Meet General Zod.  Back when Krypton was not exploded, Zod served as military leader until he committed treason (by siding with Jor-El believing Krypton’s imminent destruction) and he was shipped off to the Phantom Zone.  It’s a weird dimensional place, like a prison, but where people sentenced there lose their physical attributes.  Like ghosts.  It’s complicated.  Anyway, because Zod was in the Phantom Zone, he survived the destruction of his home planet and now spends his life escaping his prison and trying to kill Jor-El’s son, Superman.  Strangely, Superman’s rogue gallery isn’t fairly well-known, but he’s definitely one of the bigger names that battle the Man of Steel.

So why are the New Kryptonians looking to destroy Earth?  Mainly General Lane (Lois Lane’s father) and Lex Luthor’s fault.  They’ve been trying to kill all the Supermen.  After a few successes (and killing a fifth of the population), time for Zod and the entire military to retaliate.  Oh, and duh, supervillainy:

A war between Earth and New Krypton is inevitable.  The casualties will be enormous, so being the superhero he is, Superman decides to prevent this from happening in the first place.  Gotta save both his original and adopted home.  Which means our armies are as follows:
Earth: 6,000,000,000
New Krypton: 80,000
Superman: 1

Not good odds.

Before the war begins though, we should check back in on New Krypton itself.  There, Supergirl and her mother are interrogating one of Luthor’s supervillain henchmen they captured.

You can argue all you want that the Joker is a far more interesting and dangerous DC villain than Lex Luthor, but the Joker never did this:

After this, doesn’t look like negotiations are going to solve the war.  Nope, Superman just got himself involved in a massive bloody rumble with zero hope of slowing down the momentum.  At least he does the responsible thing and goes to look for survivors.  I’m sorry, I meant survivor.

Tasked with a near impossible task, Superman at least isn’t alone.  Nope, because when you’ve been around for 74 years, you’re bound to pick up some superfriends.  Not the Super Friends.  These guys:

With the addition of, from left to right, Flamebird, Nightwing, Guardian, Jimmy Olsen, Steel, Krypto, and Superboy to our team of Superman and Supergirl, our armies are now as follows:
Earth: 6,000,000,000
New Krypton: 20,000
Superman: 9

Still not good odds.  Though 20,000 angry Supermen remains more than enough to take down Earth. And trust me, no holding back anymore:

Now, Earth’s not stupid.  Trust me, as strong as the New Kryptonians are (very), Earth has a few trump cards up its sleeve.  Including one that’s downright cruel, horrific, and genocidal.  Y’know, the one Lex Luthor thought of.

What a jerk!  But also, what a brilliant military move.  Are Superman and Supergirl doomed?  I still have 20ish images left, so we’re going to save the rest for tomorrow.  But don’t worry, because there’s plenty of punching to come.

Wonder Woman’s Batman dilemma

Just another normal night in Gotham City:

No costume or gimmicks means this young girl’s getting locked up in normal prison.  No psychiatric treatment and padded walls for her.  Being well aware of her options, she chooses the smartest one.

Except in our little adventure today, Batman’s the antagonist.  Yup, we’re rooting for that girl with the cool leather jacket and fancy motorcycle.  Just because she offed some dudes doesn’t mean she can rumble with the Dark Knight, so she goes to seek help from someone who can.

Thus starts Wonder Woman: The Hiketeia, a graphic novel written by Greg Rucka and drawn by J. G. Jones.  The success gathered from this one-shot became so great, that Rucka was hired to become the writer for the Wonder Woman series the next year.  Y’see, Wonder Woman (Princess Diana of Themyscira) comes from the Amazonian island soaked in ancient traditions and rituals.  Our young girl protagonist, revealed as Danielle Wellys, memorized one of them.

Hiketeia, explained in the first few pages of the book that I didn’t show you, is an oath which once made, forces the supplicated to protect the supplicant.  No matter what.  With extreme penalties for either party breaking the oath.  Penalties that involve those hooded ladies with the smeared lips.

While Diana ain’t scared of some demon ladies, they do kick her butt in the battle before this talk. Magic and whatnot.  So this trial they mention?  Later, because gaining Wonder Woman’s assistance also means being her assistant.  Two way street in Hiketeia.

I really just wanted to show you what Wonder Woman does in her free time when she’s not jump kicking cheetahs or whoever’s attacking that day.  And more urgently, she has a trial to deal with.  An angry, brooding trial.

Both Wonder Woman and Batman get to be moral compasses for the heroes of the DC universe. They’re original members of the Justice League and both fight crime amid the painful sacrifices and suffering endured.  But you know the drill.  Batman’s black and white.  He may pull off the wings and legs of a passing fly, but he’s never going to squish it.  Explanations for murder are meaningless, because the law states not to murder.  Done and done.

Wonder Woman tends to be more lax with that extreme.  That and she’s killed a whole bunch of people/monsters/bugs.  And normally, she wouldn’t harbor a fugitive considering that she’s a superhero and all.  But an oath’s an oath, regardless of Batman’s desires or intentions.  Though wouldn’t hurt for him to make a little bit of small talk first.

Danielle’s fear-stricken face is a testament to Batman’s reputation.  Criminals pee their pants even when Wonder Woman, who’s as strong as Superman but with none of the weaknesses, blocks Batman’s path.  Though that’s not going to stop him from being mean.

Not armed with any Amazonian kryptonite (pants?), Batman acknowledges his defeat.  For now, because it’s hard to peg the Dark Knight as a quitter.  More importantly, Danielle emotionally begs Wonder Woman to let her tell her what’s going on.  Y’know, to justify punching her teammate off a second floor balcony.  And while she’s absolutely a murderer, the men did deserve it.  Danielle’s sister, filled with hopes and dreams, arrives in Gotham City with promises of a new, happy life.  Oops. This is the least disgusting of all the pages of her sister’s story:

Unsurprisingly, Danielle followed her sister to Gotham intending to avenge her death by these pimps/drug dealers.  Mission complete, by the way.  Only thing she botched was the escape plan where the local superhero doesn’t yank her off her motorcycle.  Danielle understanding that she’s the reason two friends have to battle, she runs away.  Terrible mistake.

C’mon, that’s a super awesome line from Batman.  Notice the problem?  Batman won’t stop because his resolve won’t allow him.  But Wonder Woman can’t break her oath because tradition/witch claws won’t allow her.  No matter the outcome, it’s a loss.

Of course he’ll get back up.  That’s what superheroes do.  Poor Danielle, watching the whole time from the sidelines, realizes there’s only one way to end this fight.  The way the witches wanted from the very beginning.

Not to lessen the tragedy, but the Justice League cafeteria’s going to be pretty tense after this. Now go read Rucka’s run on Wonder Woman.  It’s about time you get acquainted with the warrior princess.

Black Mask: Gotham’s mob boss

Batman’s rogue gallery may very well be the most beloved in comics.  Also, it’s enormous.  Black Mask, while not known to casual fans, has been around since 1985 (eight years before Bane) and during the 2000s, he becomes the undisputed ruler of Gotham’s criminal underworld.

Black Mask (real name Roman Sionis), like most of Batman’s villains, has no superpowers.  Born to miserable socialites, Roman develops sociopathic tendencies and eventually turns to crime.  Later, a fire fuses his mask (to disguise his identity) to his face permanently.  Finally, during the Batman event War Games in 2004, he does some super horrible stuff and secures his place as the most powerful gangster in Gotham.  And as you know, villains are just as important as the heroes they fight.

More importantly, and the entire reason I’m writing this article, is his rockin’ personality. Yes, he’s a sick, twisted bad guy and I don’t recommend bringing him up during your church dinners or soup kitchen duty, but I became enthralled with his conversations and actions during the Under the Red Hood arcs that took place in Batman #635-41 and #645-50, written by Judd Winick and drawn mainly by Doug Mahnke.  We’ll take a look at three of those scenes.

Let’s introduce today’s focus:

As we read a few of his scenes from the arc, we also have to talk about the Red Hood.  The Red Hood’s an ol’ timey villain introduced in 1951, and actually served as the Joker’s alias for a while. Joker wore his Red Hood costume when he got knocked into the chemical vat by Batman (thus bleaching his skin, turning his hair green, and triggering his latent insanity).

Now, in 2005, the Red Hood suddenly appears again.  Since it’s fairly common knowledge at this point, the Red Hood’s identity is revealed to be Jason Todd, the second Robin.  Y’know, the Robin who was killed by Joker after a crowbar attack and explosion in 1988.  The same Robin who was brought back to life because Superboy-Prime punched a hole in reality.  Not a joke.  He grew up in hiding, trained in secret, and re-emerged as a full-on supervillain.  The same supervillain who’s going to challenge Black Mask for control of his criminal empire.

Scene 1

How could you not love Black Mask’s nonchalant threats and bargaining?  No one could argue that it’s easy to run the entire underworld.  The lifespans are short, the stress is high, and the risks are great. But if you’re going into that lifestyle, why not enjoy it?  Black Mask certainly does.  Plus, check out his business chops:

You and I aren’t stupid.  No one climbs the bloody mountain to the murderous peak by making deals with fresh faces.  I mean, Black Mask has a reputation of cruelty, even to those trained by Batman and Ra’s al Ghul.  So, being the shrewd businessman, Black Mask finds a way to get his product without having to pay.  The Gotham way.

Want to see Jason Todd take on Mr. Freeze?  Gotta buy the comic, I’m pushing 30-ish pictures today already.  But the war between Black Mask and Red Hood heats up.  Turns out Jason Todd’s fairly successful at what he does: hostile takeovers of illegal businesses.

Scene 2

The joke here is literal.  Also, doesn’t it seem surprisingly easy for Gotham’s supervillains to get their hands on really powerful weaponry?

Just because the Red Hood doesn’t have any superpowers doesn’t make him any less dangerous than those who do.  And Black Mask and his goons can’t even put a dent in the guy.  Plus, after a dude blows up your office, it’s time to start accepting outside help, and luckily, that outside help comes to him.

If you don’t know Deathstroke, he’s the assassin who once took on the entire Justice League at once and almost won.  I think I’ll show that issue soon.

So what does Black Mask want help with?  Let him eloquently explain:

Unfortunately, Deathstroke himself is just the messenger.  His skills are way too valuable to take out a former Robin.  But for the small price of Black Mask’s agreement to become a Society member, the Gotham criminal will get a few supervillains of his own to sick on the boy wonder.  Though to be fair to Black Mask, the supervillains provided aren’t exactly Lex Luthor or Gorilla Grodd caliber.

Sometimes it’s just nice to see two deadly, amoral supervillains bond a little bit.  And how do the supervillains do against the Red Hood (and Batman)?  You’ll have to read it.  Though in the animated movie of this comic, Captain Nazi and Hyena are nowhere to be seen, sadly.

Scene 3

Because this arc takes place over thirteen issues, Black Mask and Red Hood brawl and fight a whole bunch.  But never each other, until the final two issues.  Which of course starts out innocently enough.

And that was the last page of innocence.

The battle between the two lasts most of the issue.  And even though the Red Hood’s a highly trained martial artist, the Black Mask holds his own surprisingly well.  As the two scream and hurl insults/philosophies amid breaking pool cues over each other’s backs, I’ve taken a few choice, super awesome things the Black Mask says to show you.  I’m way too good to you.

After the fight wraps up (though there’s still two issues after this for the amazing Batman vs. Red Hood finale that the whole arc has been building up to), the Dark Knight himself shows up for mystery solving/clean up.  Since Black Mask is a Batman villain, surely it’s important to see the two converse a little.  I mean, the series is called Batman.

Definitely the most adorable explosives I’ve ever seen, don’t you agree?  Coupled with a complete lack of fear of Batman and his own smarts, Black Mask totally realizes the truth about the Red Hood.  The truth that Batman doesn’t tell family members, much less supervillains.

After this debacle, Black Mask’s reign doesn’t last much longer once he targets Catwoman, who tends to be much less forgiving than Batman.  And for being a subplot within the main story, he totally rocked it, right?  Of course you agree, because you’re also awesome.

Aquaman’s Sub Diego, Pt. 2

Yesterday, we saw Detective Aquaman in action.  His case: half the city of San Diego had sank after an earthquake, but all the survivors suddenly could breathe underwater – and no longer out of water. The current culprit: a giant machine sea slug.  Probably not the real villain.  Plus, in part one, we didn’t see a single act of violence.  Will Aquaman muster up his aqua-strength and punch that angry monster into a goo that used to be monster?

Nope.  An explosion, certainly, but no butt kicking.  Though even Superman doesn’t always break up drug gangs, sometimes he gives them stern lectures while dangling them off skyscrapers.  Well, this is Aquaman’s stern sea slug lecture.  Oh, and his talking-to-fish powers.  Though as writer Geoff Johns stated in Aquaman #1, volume 7, he doesn’t really talk to fish, but it’s more a strong connection to sea life.  Good vibes or something.  I skimmed the issue.

With his third major revelation, something creeps into Aquaman that we haven’t seen yet.  Rage.  And it’s beautiful. You never thought you’d see these words, but don’t mess with Aquaman.

That’s my absolute favorite entrance into a private residence I’ve seen in comics in a long time.

Superman would stop her at this point, reminding the young teenager that just because this man committed evil acts, we shouldn’t commit those same atrocities to him.  Justice, not revenge.  But Aquaman isn’t Superman.  He takes the Batman approach.

Aquaman totally waterboarded our bad guy, a maneuver that’s been declared as legitimate torture by the United States government.  But c’mon, let’s hear our villain out.  He did it to save everyone.

And after all the world’s land has been submerged in water, no one will be laughing at Aquaman then! They’ll all be begging for Aquaman’s help after their plans to make rafts out of sea bass fail.

Normally I don’t show flashbacks.  I try not to put up more than a third or so of the pages in an issue or arc.  But I have to show a piece of this flashback, because Aquaman had the best 1990s costume of all the superheroes.  Y’see, comics were changing from the 1970s and 80s.  Superheroes were getting darker, angsty, and wearing leather jackets with spikes.  The whole comics-aren’t-just-for-kids thing.  And while in retrospect, it all looks silly and overly dramatic, I support them 100% for trying something new.  Plus, we saw a good decade of Aquaman looking like this:

Full beard, long flowing hair, a golden hook hand, and half a chestplate.  Oh, it’s glorious.  Superman’s mullet or Azrael’s mecha-Batman don’t even come close.  Aquaman, you’re the king of Atlantis, surely you can afford armor that protects both your pecs.

Instead of shipping our bad guy off to Guantanamo Bay, he does the responsible superhero stuff. Redemption and all that jazz.  First up, time to humble this mad scientist.

And then to put him to work.

Not exactly a happy ending.  Though Lorena does become the new Aquagirl.  Unfortunately, the dude didn’t design any cures, plus with the changes in their biology, it’s probably permanent anyway. And since the new aqua-civilians don’t have aqua-strength or aqua-swimming powers, Aquaman’s forced to obligingly take control of the situation.

Here, let him explain the future of the newly named Sub Diego.  After all, giving us hope is what superheroes are truly best at.

Aquaman’s Sub Diego, Pt. 1

I know people laugh when they hear the name Aquaman.  The least useful member of the Justice League!  His superpowers involve putting saddles on seahorses!  I get it.  But Namor, the Marvel version of Aquaman, is well-received and well-loved.  What’s the difference?  Does Aquaman need to flirt with more married women?  Maybe the TV shows made Aquaman out to be a goof.  I don’t actually know, though he has been around since the early 1940s, and that’s impressive considering how many superheroes from that era have disappeared.

Y’see, our story, which takes place in the American Tidal arc from Aquaman #15-20, volume 6, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by Patrick Gleason, involves not so much punching fish and swinging tridents as it does heroism and a search for the truth.  Please don’t immediately close your browser. I understand, you joke around about how dumb the whole idea of Aquaman is, but at least give me a chance to change your mind.  If not his water-based abilities, then his recognition and worthiness as a superhero.  Pretty please?  Look, this is literally the opening page of the arc:

That must have caught your interest, right?  C’mon, pandas don’t live in the water.

So one normal day, a massive earthquake destroys San Diego.  Half the city sinks and the loss of life is in the hundreds of thousands.  Aquaman arrives on the scene and is appropriately devastated.

Well, Aquaman can’t reverse underwater earthquakes.  Especially since it’s a natural disaster and not a psychotic supervillain with a tectonic plate ray gun.  It’s not like superheroes can stop problems like hurricanes or tsunamis.  Actually, I think Superman can.  The Flash too.  Batman probably has a tsunami gun on his bat-plane.  Either way, he just has to cry salty tears until one night a lead finally shows up.

A child is found on a beach coming from the opposite direction people normally do.  Sadly, he dies, but that’s okay because with the help of forensic scientists and our hero’s extensive fish knowledge, Aquaman figures out a terrible secret.

Because Aquaman is a card-carrying Justice League member, he has to address the city.  Also most likely because half the city disappeared and people would feel a little better if told a new revelation from a guy who can swim 90 miles per hour.  I’m not saying a public announcement is a good idea, but Gotham City would probably be better off if Batman every once in a while was like, “Hey, Mr. Freeze froze all the highways, so maybe drive a little bit slower these next few days.”

Of course, because comic book worlds are infinitely more exciting than real life, he gets interrupted.

Being the responsible superhero, he has Martian Manhunter warp him to the Justice League base on the moon before the girl suffocates.  For research purposes obviously, because it’d be way easier just to push her back in the ocean.

You want to see what Lorena saw?  Turns out she was on a date with her tattooed, but gentle and hard-working boyfriend when she saw pandas surfing a tidal wave.  More importantly, from her memories, Aquaman has his second major realization.

Like the police after a loved one dies, Aquaman, the leading authority figure in the ocean, has to break the news to the survivors of the earthquake.  Just as you and I would feel if a fish dude told us we’re forever stuck riding sharks and running jellyfish farms, the survivors are thrilled horrified.  Unfortunately, a superhero’s job isn’t just to capture Somali pirate whalers or take down rogue Nazi submarines.

Such as having a truck when friends want to move, possessing super strength and government connections makes Aquaman a very busy man.  After all, with great power comes great responsibility and blah blah blah.

But what kind of superhero comic would it be without some danger and conspiracy?  Y’see, Aquaman’s dolphin buddy alerted our hero about some weird device.  So Aquaman and Lorena go check it out.  She’s sort of the sidekick of this arc.

Can you guess the moment things get bad?  Yup, right now.

Mutated machine sea slug!  About time we saw one of those.

Cliffhanger!  We’re going to stop here today, because someone recently told me that people don’t have the time to read a thousand words and forty images every single day.  But tomorrow, Aquaman kicks lots of butt and we get our answers.   Who’s really behind this earthquake?  Are there any possible cures?  Why is Aquaman’s left hand made of water?  Two of those three will be revealed tomorrow. Hint: the first two.

Batgirl and the assassin prep school

If you ever question how Batman patrols all of Gotham City every night, I reassure you that the Bat family is huge.  Criminals might not get sucker punched by the Batman himself, but don’t forget Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, Batwoman, Huntress, Red Robin, Catwoman, Manhunter, Man-Bat, Azrael, Etrigan, and more.  That’s a lot of kung fu in Gotham.  Today though, we’re taking a little look at Stephanie Brown, my favorite Batgirl.

I know it’s fairly blasphemous to like Stephanie over Barbara Gordon (the original Batgirl and Nightwing’s redheaded paramour), but Stephanie’s 2009 series was an absolute delight, written by Brian Q. Miller and drawn by a whole bunch of talented artists.  Unfortunately, in 2011, DC rebooted their entire lineup, and all of a sudden Barbara was back in the Batgirl role.  Stephanie had just disappeared with no explanation given.  Well, until the Batman Incorporated: Leviathan Strikes one-shot came out, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Cameron Stewart.

Though before we jump into the story, we should very quickly cover this Batgirl’s history.  Y’see, she’s the daughter of Cluemaster, a C-list supervillain.  Disgusted by his criminal actions, Stephanie put on a costume, called herself Spoiler, and set out to ruin her father’s plans.

Along the way, she sparked up a friendship and eventual relationship with the Robin of the time, Tim Drake.  And when Tim’s dad found out about his little crime fighting hobby, daddy Drake obligated Tim to quit.  And to be fair to Tim’s dad, I wouldn’t want my son jumping off rooftops wearing a bright red and green costume either.  Stephanie, anxious to prove herself, snuck into the Bat cave, and forced Batman to make her the next Robin.

This lasts about five issues.  Stephanie broke Batman’s rules.  Wayne’s refusal of Stephanie actually led to the major event War Games, which is a crazy complicated and tragic story that I’m not going to go into.  But cut to 2009.  Wayne’s currently dead and Nightwing becomes the new Batman.  The current Batgirl, Cassandra Cain, has given up the role, and Stephanie used the opportunity to claim the job opening.

So with DC rebooted and Stephanie gone AWOL, where did she go?  I’m here to answer that question.  Lean back, sip your beverage, and fall in love with the only blonde Batgirl once more.

Stephanie’s sent deep undercover to break up an all-girl assassin prep school.  Yes, I’m excited too.

Just like your science classes, right?  No doodling in explosives class, students.

Who hasn’t had a firearm pulled on them in the gym locker room?  But c’mon, she’s secretly Batgirl, and guns are what wussies use.

Now as you may wonder, what’s the purpose of this school?  Sure, a sexy military boot camp sounds great on paper, but shouldn’t these girls learn algebra and not mixed martial arts?  Well, trust me when I say this boarding school is definitely “for profit.”

And their tests?  Not exactly standardized.  Luckily, a good decade or so of training alongside the finest superheroes in the DC universe allows Stephanie to practically cheat.  She’s taken out Clayface and Scarecrow, so a gaggle of teenage girls isn’t really a terribly stressful situation.

Yup, now we get to see the dirt behind the official induction ritual.  What makes this school so evil that Batman plans to break it up?  Here’s a hint: it’s not the chess club.

Professor Pyg(‘s son)!  Just another wacky supervillain Gotham scientist, who carves up people and spreads mind-controlling gas.  He’s only been around for five years or so, but Professor Pyg’s one of the craziest villains Batman’s ever gone up against.  Oh, and I guess he has a kid.

With her cover blown, our lovely hero’s going to have to take down the school the only way the Bat family does: kicking the crap out of all of them.

What a beautiful, fist-pumping moment we just experienced!  You know why Batman and his group always win?  Because they’re better than everyone else.  Superpowers are for losers.

Also, keep in mind Stephanie has spent her entire comic book existence trying to prove herself to Bruce Wayne.  He rejected her as both Spoiler and Robin.  He refused to let her participate in patrols or training.  She accidentally unleashed the largest gang war Gotham City has ever seen.  So when Batman gives his indirect approval, that’s winning the superhero lottery.

Oh, and as our story comes to an end, I won’t send you off without learning a partial truth behind the evil killer academy.  You deserve it.

The identity of the headmistresses?  You’re going to have to read the rest of the issue to find that out. But anyway, mission accomplished!  Though for her sake, I hope Stephanie’s school credits will transfer.