Sportsmaster’s reign of terror

While I read old comics that Sportsmaster (real name Lawrence “Crusher” Crock) appeared in, I came across one that deserved its own article.  A comic from 1965 that’s silly, goofy, and loaded with horrific never-ending sports puns.  Today, enjoy select scenes from The Brave and the Bold #62, written by Gardner Fox and drawn by Murphy Anderson — an issue that wanted to be serious, action-packed, and loaded with horrific never-ending sports puns.  If we can forgive superheroes for wearing underwear on the outside of their clothes, let’s also give puns a pass.

I know that if I wrote an article cataloging every time Batman and Catwoman made out instead of covering a fifty year-old comic starring a supervillain with only twenty appearances under his belt, I’d receive thirty times the hits this one’ll get.  I regret nothing.  I have a soft spot for the weirdos.

Let’s take a look at our cover today.  Behold a small preview chunk of this delightful cake:

Sportsmaster flying on a single ski as he chucks the other one at Starman?  Promiscuous Lady Tarzan swing-kicking into Black Canary?  A special super-star comeback for Wildcat?  How can anyone be more excited?  Starman (real name Ted Knight) premiered in 1941, two years after Batman and nine months before Wonder Woman.  Using his cosmic rod, Starman operates exactly like Green Lantern except without that pesky wood weakness.

To fully understand the criminal undertones Sportsmaster possesses, feast your eyes on his opening heist.  While he may not turn thievery into an art form, he can at least do the opposite.

Take a moment.  Breathe in and out.  Let’s count the insanity we all just witnessed:
1) Sportsmaster dresses like a fisherman when using his fishing rod.
2) He wears his actual supervillain costume underneath the plaid and vest.
3) He does the above after hiding for hours inside a statue.
4) He escapes on rocket skis.
5) After all that, Sportsmaster only planned to steal a trophy.
6) Old mustard is not sport slang for “fighting spirit.”  I checked.

Thankfully, to stop Sportsmaster from stealing twenty bucks worth of metal, Starman and Black Canary volunteer to battle our dangerous antagonists.  But first this happens:

Sportsmaster’ll totally protect and his partner-in-crime-and-marriage Huntress.  No morals doesn’t mean no heart.  Commence round one.  Game on.  En guarde.  Touchdown.

You’re about to witness one of Black Canary’s most humiliating moments.  That includes dating Green Arrow for decades.

That’s no way for a superhero to bonk their head on a tree.  Her feet flail high in the air as she slams her skull much in the style of an unconscious skydiver.  The two supervillain masterminds escape to rob another day.  Will their next plot be as dastardly as the first one?  Will truth, justice, and the American way prevail against such evil?  Will Sportsmaster wear an appropriately themed outfit?

If you don’t fully follow the newest scheme, Sportsmaster and Huntress plan to steal $100,000 by knocking out every single golfer in the tournament with a ball to the noggin.  While riding a magic putting green.  Sometimes I think I missed out on something enchanting back in the ’60s.  Especially the potential of sky battle golf.

Finally our superheroes give these baddies the beatings they deserve:

A happy ending!  Thankfully the trophy returned to its owner, saving an intern from making a single awkward phone call.  But before we finish our journey, I’d be remiss for us not to read Wildcat’s story within this issue.  After all, his name and face appear on the cover promising his special super-star comeback:

Never mind.

Wildcat vs. Sportsmaster

That’s the real name of a supervillain — Sportsmaster.  He’s been around since the 40s, and really the only decade he could have possibly been invented during.  Here’s one of his earliest appearances in Green Lantern #28, volume one:

So it’s like if Olympic athletes decided to fight superheroes using only equipment currently in their hotel room.  The Sportsmaster’s ego truly amazes me, especially when he’s talking trash and waving around a tennis racket against Green Lantern, who has a weapon that makes literally anything the user wants with enough force to bring down Superman-level supervillains.

Today, we’re focusing on the second Sportsmaster — oh yes, more than one of these guys have existed.  In JSA Classified #26-27, written by Frank Tieri and drawn by Matt Haley & Gordon Purcell, our featured bad guy Sportsmaster (real name Victor Gover) gets to brawl with Wildcat (real name Ted Grant), who possesses all the superpowers of a 60 year-old boxer.  But first, let Wildcat reminisce:

I’d like to build up this battle as a thrilling back-and-forth as the Justice Society-er Wildcat scraps with the agile hockey stick-wielding Sportsmaster, but even a comic book reader’s suspension of disbelief only goes so far.  Wildcat beats the ever-loving crap out of Gover.

Though Wildcat savagely crushed Sportsmaster’s bones and spirit, he did it out of tough love, y’know? Sometimes, that’s the only way for a fighter to realize the truth, or else they’ll never stop making Rocky movies.  Though this mentioned superhero betting place?  Genius:

While I’m no expert on addicts, I imagine the bad behaviors continually re-surface, especially when scary mob bosses offer Sportsmaster another chance to erase all those outstanding betting debts. And I’m sorry for spoiling everything today.

Remember how Sportsmaster lost horrifically to an elderly man with no superpowers wearing a cat costume?  Now he gets to do the same thing, just against Hourman, Mr. Terrific, Power Girl, Damage, and the Flash.  It must be a helluva trump card held by Joe the Slob, because exploding soccer balls won’t even scratch Power Girl, much less the other four powerhouses.

Ma Hunkel’s an old woman serving as the JSA’s Alfred Pennyworth-figure.  So now the JSA has to either throw the match or lose their dear chef.

There seems to be a trend in supervillains that the fewer powers one has, the more arrogant one acts. I imagine mainly for comedic effect, but when the Flash can circle the entire planet and hit you with a punch hard enough to blast your organs across the continent before you’ve even finished your first egotistical sentence — why all the cockiness?  Trump card aside, Sportsmaster should at least shake hands and thank the JSA for their participation.  Y’know, or else this could happen:

Poor Sportsmaster just realized that superhero problems tend to get solved with violence rather than a discussion or vote.  It’s the default problem solver for those that wear spandex and capes.  One doesn’t spend a decade learning martial arts and crafting their twelve-pack abs to simply chat about their disagreements.

Hopefully this experience has been educational for Sportsmaster.

I admire Wildcat’s brand of tough love.  He takes the Batman method of pounding opponents until they’re human goo, then threatening them to go straight or next time he’ll batarang their spine.  Gover never shows up again, but he does get to be a permanent mark in the win category for Wildcat, sadly living in a world plagued by the ever repeating status quo.

Sportsmaster should fight Superman.

Martian Manhunter vs. Despero, Pt. 2

After his assist from Aquaman last article, Martian Manhunter has to brawl his way to victory by himself today.  The two aliens who both wear clothing that makes any lady superhero costume look Amish, have far more differences than their appearances give off.  Martian Manhunter, the tragic final survivor of his ruined planet, fights valiantly to protect his adopted home from suffering the same fate. Despero, the naked tyrant from the well-populated planet Kalanor, only wishes to seek vengeance on and destroy that pesky Justice League.  Commence the punching.

So why Gypsy, you ask?  She helped take down Despero during his “mad god” phase last article. The mid ’80s to early ’90s were a strange time for comics, where diversity meant loading up on gimmicky characters with slightly racist names.  Though we should still at least half-heartedly applaud the efforts of the publishers.  Diversity before then meant adding a Martian to a team of white dudes. In the fight we’re currently seeing, we finally get some of that good ol’ telepathy clashing.  Psychic fights translate well into comics, where the visuals can highlight the subconscious better than other forms of literature.  Not to unashamedly plug my own stuff, but remember this fight between Professor X and Emma Frost (and Cyclops)?  Brain battles tend to get both weird and emotionally painful.

That kind of attack can even bring Batman to his knees, who like Martian Manhunter, wears his tragic past like a waving flag to remind himself that his quest to prevent innocent deaths’ll never end.  Also, to chuck batarangs at criminals.  But for the sake of argument, let’s compare Martian Manhunter and Despero to the Marvel sorcerers.  Yes, Doctor Strange would totally beat Doctor Doom in a head-to-head magic battle, but even he’s not immune to ambushes and surprise spells.  More importantly, I’ve been reading a lot of Fantastic Four recently.  Our protagonist today can certainly overpower Despero in a telepathic brawl, but not if Despero sucker punches.  Though, round two on the other hand:

And now we jump twenty years into the New 52.  Not much has changed for Despero, as he’s still a nude, angry, mauling psychopath who enjoys gloating as much as crushing pitiful humans.  But Martian Manhunter has definitely changed.  Our Choco-loving friend nowadays scares the bejeebees out of anyone who contacts him.  He works in the shadows.  He wears a collar.  If you say his name three times, he pops out of a mirror.  Think less Casper the Friendly Ghost and more Casper the Violent Ghost Who Can Punch Through Walls.  But first, let’s admire how far artwork has progressed in two decades:

I always thought Despero needed an accessory.  If not underwear, a ring would be a close second. Look, Despero has no idea what he’s dealing with — Martian Manhunter has gone full badass these past few years.

Remember that telepathy fight from the beginning of the article?  Turns out like Superman, who has to hold back his attacks to avoid turning every single bad guy he encounters into a pile of supervillain goo, Martian Manhunter does the same thing with his mind powers.  Despero never stood a chance.

I liked the sentimental Martian Manhunter of the past, but I don’t mind the new frightening Martian Manhunter.  While I’d love to see a rematch sometime soon, I’ll settle for Despero to get some pants. Make it a mini-series.

Martian Manhunter vs. Despero, Pt. 1

When you consider the sheer number of supervillains running around on Earth (Batman and Superman alone have about 230 each if you count the one-timers), it’s only a matter of time before the baddies have to come from space.  Only so many chemical vats drip into prison cells and gives murderers lava arms or whatever.  Despero’s created to be one of those pesky extraterrestrials who invades our planet to mess with the do-gooders.  Specifically Martian Manhunter.  Something about them both being aliens.  Plus, like Martian Manhunter, Despero’s also a scary monstrous being who wears very little clothing:

Over the next two articles, we’re going to see a few of their clashes throughout the 50+ years of combat.  To save time, here are all the articles I’m using in the order I’m using them:

• Justice League of America #38, volume 2, written by James Robinson and drawn by Mark Bagley
• Justice League of America #1, volume 1, written by Gardner Fox and drawn by Mike Sekowsky
• Justice League of America #178, volume 1, written by Gerry Conway and drawn by Dick Dillin & Frank McLaughlin
• Justice League of America #253, volume 1, written by Conway and drawn by Luke McDonnell
• JLA #116-118, written by Geoff Johns & Allan Heinberg and drawn by Chris Batista
• Justice League America #39-40, written by Keith Giffen & J.M. DeMatteis and drawn by Adam Hughes & Jose Marzan Jr.
• Justice League #19-20, written by Geoff Johns and drawn by Ivan Reis, Zadder Cannon, Gene Ha, Andres Guinaldo, & Joe Prado

Despero’s first appearance also marks the first issue of the Justice League series (the team appeared before then in the The Brave and the Bold series).  You’d think the first issue would feature an world-destroying threat that can only be solved by the combined team’s power of friendship, but the stakes remained far lower.  As in Despero played the Flash in action figure chess.

Note one of the very few times Despero’s wearing clothes.  As the years passed, so did his muscle growth and thus he started wearing just a cape.  Not even underwear.  Just a cape.  But we have a few issues before we get to that (unfortunate) reveal — though for all the complaints about women’s costumes being too sexy, how about some male Despero skin for you?  Especially if you like evil red aliens.

Despero, besides possessing super strength on par with Superman (which puts him a few pegs above Martian Manhunter), also gets a genius intellect and a third eye capable of mind control, illusions, telepathy, and all that jazz.  His rivalry with the Martian superhero begins a few issues down the road — I’m jumping around for the sake of storytelling.  Mainly, early Despero really loved playing action figure chess.

Soon their relationship evolves (devolves?) into punching each other into unconsciousness, but nothing like a little sporting game to get revenge.  I understand that our featured supervillain doesn’t exactly make readers grip their chairs in suspense.  DC understood that as well, so in 1986 (in a story that’s very ’80s), Despero gets a power/ego upgrade.  We’re down to half clothing and I’ve included the best part of any supervillain reign of terror — the gloating monologue.

I don’t think it’s an accident that Batman’s in a Jesus pose.  Despero becomes a real threat, and not just because summon he can dragon statues.  To clear up any misgivings though, Despero’s not a god.  Not even close, because he’s eventually taken out by Vibe — the former breakdancer who holds the honor of being the first Justice League member killed in action.  That guy had a soul patch.

But let’s get to the meat of today’s first half.  Back when Zatanna mindwiped all the supervillains, things became hunky-dory until the bad guys all showed up one day with their memories returned and a justifiable chip on their shoulders.  Who could possibly possess the power to reverse the effect of such a powerful magic spell?  Hint: his name is in the title of the article.

There’s the nude Despero we know and love.  More importantly, this’ll firmly establish Despero as a major part of Martian Manhunter’s rogue gallery.  We go back about twenty years on Wednesday (see the middle panel on the bottom row of the first page below for a preview), but I figured we could all enjoy some modern day naked punching before all that.

We know Martian Manhunter doesn’t end this fight with a crushed skull and a giggling Despero.  But with the Justice League busy dealing with other immediate threats and Martian Manhunter unable to contact any of them, who’ll come to his rescue?  Hopefully someone of immense strength.  Someone who inspires fear in the heart of evil.  Someone whose strength is only matched by his immeasurable willpower.  Martian Manhunter needs a hero, gosh darn it.

We joke about Aquaman’s silliness.  You don’t have to convince me otherwise, I already know he’s a badass.  Truthfully, Aquaman can totally be useful, especially in a construction site filled with sharp rods.  Still, Martian Manhunter can’t take on this massive nude threat alone, so time to combine his powers with a tidal wave and a shark-tamer.

Right?  That’s a lot of primary colors battling it out.  Though the two eventually lose the fight, they at least win my heart.  Next time we get a lot more beatdowns and open threats.  Aliens really don’t like each other.