The art of seduction with Hercules

Posted: 06/22/2012 | Author: Jason Levine | Filed under: Marvel, Relationships |2 Comments

Thor’s a cool idea for a superhero, right?  The viking god of thunder from a relatively unknown religion who wields a magical hammer.  I totally approve.  But with the success of Nordic culture, why not implement other gods?  Well, by far the best of them is the mighty, majestic Hercules:

Yeah, not your English teacher’s Hercules.

Enjoy a womanizing, arrogant, hedonistic Hercules ripped straight from the peaks of Mt. Olympus. He’s been around for three thousand years, has durability and strength that rivals Thor, and despite being the definition of an oaf, has amassed one of the most impressive collection of superhero lovers in the Marvel universe.  So let’s take a look at his conquests from one of my favorite series,  The Incredible Hercules written by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente.

Namora, the Sub-Mariner’s Cousin

Oh, that’s Hercules’ teenage sidekick, Amadeus Cho.  He’s also the 7th smartest person in the world. But Cho’s not really the focus of this article.  Let’s jump ahead to the sexy god stuff.

Because we’re not reading Catwoman, you’re not going to see any sexual proof and you’re just going to have to use context clues to figure it out.  Cover your kids’ ears.  Spoiler alert: They did it.  Here’s the post-coital hot tub cuddling:

But comics are comics and that means that if there isn’t an explosion or alien attack every few pages, the comic’s never going to sell.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.  So Hercules and Namora get attacked with a missile.

Unfortunately, there love can never be.  You see, Namora loves another man.  He also smells like salt water and fish.  Yes, it’s incestuous.  During the battle with the Amazons, Hercules and Namora scramble to grab an urn that reveals their deepest wishes.  Yeah, it happens.

Do you know who that handsome pointy-eared man is?  It’s Namor, the king of Atlantis, Namora’s cousin, and one time lover of a giant sea worm.  What sound does the heart of a god make when it breaks?  Though to be fair, it’s mostly Hercules’ fault.

By the way, have you ever heard of the Canadian superhero team?

Snowbird, Member of Alpha Flight

Turns out Canada has their own group of Avengers, called Alpha Flight.  They fight snowstorms and irradiated caribou or whatever.  I don’t really follow them.  But one of their members, Snowbird, once hooked up with our hero.

She’s not drunk or anything, that’s just how people in comic books cry.  This is halfway through this particular arc and things haven’t gone well.  The poor girl needs a broad, hairy shoulder to cry on.

See?  Hercules’ may consist entirely of a sash, but he’s not so stupid not to consider the feelings of his suitor.  Also, the dog in a wheelchair watching is a secret alien hiding in the body of Cho’s beloved pet.  But you probably guessed that.

Mission complete.  Snowbird feels better, Hercules gets another notch on his bedpost, and the pervert dog alien rolls away unseen.  Let’s move on.  Or back a few thousand years.

Hippolyta, Amazonian Royalty

Hercules tends to be immortal, being a god and all.  Want to hear a story from the good ol’ days?

If this seems like a sad ending, wipe away your tears.  Sure, Hera isn’t remotely kind to Zeus’ bastard child, but Hippolyta reveals herself as super evil and almost destroys the world.  And Hercules can do better than crazy supervillains.  Though, it doesn’t stop him from trying.

Alflyse, Queen of the Dark Elves

Hercules and his father Zeus (resurrected as a child), travel to Asgard for their next mission.  To defeat and conquer the evil queen, Hercules has to exploit his least refined skill: espionage.  Y’know, by dressing up as Thor and laying the smackdown.  Except for one small problem:

He may have the strength of a hundred men, but he has the willpower of none.

Thor and Hercules have quite a bit in common, even excluding the whole immortal powerful god thing. No one enjoys brawling more than those two.  Maybe Wolverine.  Both of their fathers have created trouble in their lives.  Hercules and Thor both have a reputation of bedroom prowess.  Though, the god of thunder wouldn’t make this mistake:

Oops.  How do you solve a problem like this?  Did you guess the real Thor dressed as Hercules battles the real Hercules dressed as Thor?  I hope so.  No bad blood spilled between drinking buddies. Also you know how when you’re really good at something, you can use that skill to get out of unfavorable resolutions?

Let that be a lesson.  Write that down in your notebook.

Hebe, the Goddess of Youth

Since it’s the 21st century, very few gods are running around in spandex slaying dragons.  Most own corporations and control their own businesses.  Olympians are nothing if not entrepreneurs.  Hebe runs the receptionist desk at the Olympus Group.  Oh, and she’s Hercules’ wife from three thousand years ago.

Hercules has many heroic traits, but monogamy isn’t one of them.  That and Hercules and Hebe never got divorced.  Still, he’s a man with emotions.  Like jealousy.

I don’t deny that many times Spider-Man deserves to be punched across a restaurant.  That guy has a mouth on him.  Though he probably didn’t deserve that one.  And the resulting Hercules/Spider-Man fight goes about as well as the above panels.

Regardless, the hairy, angry god may be an oaf, but he’s a super lovable oaf.  Despite Hercules’ numerous infidelities, thousands of years of no contact, and smashing the nice boy Hebe was just talking to, can he talk his way back into her heart?

Sparks reignited!  Lovers reunited!  Their romance reigns eternal!  Though they break up a few issues later.  And Hercules is killed.  But other than that, all the previous sentences apply.

At his funeral, the proper respects are paid.  The man’s legend will live on.

Luckily the mourning period is short.  Hercules had a brief series called Herc last year where fought the Hobgoblin and other cool supervillains.  I know he’s not as popular as some of the others, but everything he’s in is totally worth a read.  You need more proof?  You’re very hard to please.

You’re welcome.

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