Ultimate Magneto’s wild ride
Posted: 06/16/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsYou know about Magneto. Master of magnetism. Arch-nemesis of the X-Men. Versatile supervillain. Let’s talk about him today.
You know the shpiel. Magneto, seeing the mutant race hated and discriminated against, plans to overthrow the humans and rule or destroy or manipulate them for his own goal of mutant superiority. Simply, Magneto believes the mutants to be superior beings, while Professor X and the X-Men just want the mutants treated as equals. But like I said a few articles back, while most characters get their origin stories updated so they stay roughly the same age, Magneto doesn’t get such a luxury. His origin story and beliefs are tied directly with his experiences as a child in the Holocaust. Except that the Holocaust was in the early 1940s and the Marvel universe takes place in present day. And how scary exactly is an 85 year-old Magneto?
Luckily, because comics are comics, Alpha the Ultimate Mutant turned Magneto into a baby as revenge in 1974. An alien agent later aged him to the “prime” of his life. Couple that with the always ten to fifteen years rule that the Marvel universe has been around, Magneto is now probably in his late 40s or early 50s. So that’s why modern Magneto’s posture and muscle tone are so fantastic.
But enough speculation. We’re going to talk about the Magneto from the Ultimate Marvel line that ran through the 2000s. This Magneto, while still just as arrogant and evil, is far darker and crazier. Let’s examine three important components of Magneto’s arcs in Ultimate X-Men.
His beliefs
He’s not a terribly complex villain. Every action he takes is based around this idea:
Now certainly killing seven billion people may be a bit extreme, but don’t forget that in the Ultimate universe, mutants are not treated especially well. And by well I mean mutants are a roach infestation that needs to be removed with lots of bug spray and some boot stomping.
Because you’re a rational person, you understand that the “us vs. them” mentality is rarely if ever that cut-and-dry. But that’s also why you’d make a terrible supervillain. With the exception of maybe Dr. Doom, the key characteristic of every major Marvel supervillain is that all their schemes and desires are coated in a thin layer of mental instability. And Magneto is no different. Even when he’s in that delightful plastic prison you know from the X-Men movies.
I know there’s a girl there with him. Don’t worry about that. Long story.
So let’s pretend you’re Magneto. You’ve made an insane point. You’ve gone into a long soliloquy about why your way is right and if this young girl wants to join your cause, she’ll not only be rewarded, she’ll be fighting for the safety of her people. You’re staring each other in the eyes as she contemplates the offer just presented. She’s young, but even she must understand the threat approaching mutantkind in these tumultuous days. She gives you her answer. What do you do?
Did you say hit the teenager with a chair? No? See, this is why you’d be a terrible supervillain.
Okay, you’ve realized he’s delusional and egotistical, but to be fair, so would you if you had his mutant powers.
His power
What does magnetic manipulation actually mean? It’s fairly vague, but by changing the magnetic fields that are always around us, Magneto can fly, bind superheroes, control metal, etc. Essentially, that means don’t bring anything around him of sentimental value:
Because he can do this:
Oops, no more plane. The problem with such power as that is it’ll go to your head. If you can jump ten feet, you can use it to pick chicks up at the bar, but you’re not going to trash talk other dudes who can make lightning storms or shoot eyeball beams. But magnetism is different. Cue the boasting:
As sweet as Kanye West’s beats are, he can’t shift the earth’s poles and flood the planet. This is an ego well-deserved. Except for one problem. He gets his butt kicked. Like a lot. As in every time he tries to do something. Sure, he’ll start with the advantage, but that’s because superheroes are reactive and not preventative.
In the Ultimate Marvel universe, no villain has accomplished as much as Magneto in terms of amount of destruction. He’s wiped out cities and set off nuclear reactors. Yet send a group of six children and their paraplegic teacher after him and he folds like tissue paper.
His beatings
Hate Magneto yet? You should. Sure, he’s fictional, but he would hate you. Can’t turn your body into ice or command telekinesis? Magneto thinks you’re better off dead. Yeah, what a jerk. Luckily, the X-Men will protect you the best way they know how. Painfully.
And the peace-loving, human-loving Professor X? Sure, he’s not an advocate of violence. Yes, he doesn’t want to endanger the lives of his students. I know, he’s the moral compass that all the X-Men are expected to follow.
But most importantly, don’t screw with the professor.
Maybe there’s a reason the people fear mutants so much.
Late night superhero poker
Posted: 06/14/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsTo finish off the second week of the new format, let’s read something fun.
What do superheroes do when they’re not superhero-ing? They have to have hobbies, right? I mean, not Hawkeye because he’s on like eight teams, but the others must have some downtime. Well, they aren’t knitting.
Late night poker games! Forever hosted by the least cuddly of all superheroes, the Thing.
You know the Thing. He’s part of the Fantastic Four and a big orange rock monster. But more of him in a later article. We’re going to follow along with one special game, and it’s absolutely delightful.
Yup, the patrols have all wrapped up, the criminals are all locked up, and it’s time to kick back with your superbuddies. In Spectacular Spider-Man #21, written by Paul Jenkins, we enjoy a fight where the only thing that bruising and blood spilling would hurt are good vibes and good times.
Let’s get caught up on the rest of our players:
But you can’t sell an issue entirely on a card game where superheroes spend all 20 pages busting each other’s balls. No, good sales require tension, excitement, and a little suspense. Don’t you worry your little heads. Just because not a single punch is thrown in this issue, it has all the excitement any normal Spider-Man adventure would have.
Because he shows up:
I know the Kingpin has been a prominent player in my articles recently, but this isn’t the cruel and manipulative Kingpin that haunts the nightmares of law abiding citizens. Nope, this is just a man of questionably moral character attempting to defeat the good guys in a competition where he finally has the upper hand.
See? Stakes are high. Even with the addition of the top mobster in New York City, the happy mood mellows on. Besides, superheroes are used to being in high pressure situations.
All the exciting poker action you see live on TV! Put forty pounds and sunglasses on the superheroes and you’d be unable to tell the difference.
By the way, isn’t it nice to see superheroes use their powers for stuff other than pounding evil? Spider-Man practically cheats with his spider-sense anyway. Plus, it’s like a sneak peek at the conversations we would have if we wore costumes, fought crime, and had magical adventures. You know why superheroes always hang out with one another? Because after a day of stopping an alien invasion and taking out a squad of robbers dressed like zoo animals, who could talk about “normal” stuff? Oh, the salad you had for lunch was a little dry, I’m sorry, I’m just a little tired today after toppling an empire in the microuniverse.
Finally, the table is down to the final two. Our selfless hero Spider-Man versus a somewhat good natured Kingpin. Ready for the final showdown? Are you sitting down for the last hand of the game? You probably are, because you’re reading this on your computer.
Let’s not delay anymore. You don’t need my commentary to watch this brutal battle unfold and see who ultimately claims victory.
Yay for the good guys! Though to be fair, the Kingpin will probably just claim the money as a tax write-off anyway. Charity and all. Because despite the obvious outcome, bad guys have to lose. Whether it’s fistfights, races, or card games, being a villain means you’re not going to win. That’s why we read superhero comics in the first place. Good triumphing over evil and all that jazz.
Now go finish that report. But remember, even Spider-Man takes time out after work to meet up with his friends. Or Netflix. I’m not really sure what he does. Most of his issues are him dodging punches.
Daredevil and Spider-Man get pissed off
Posted: 06/13/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been silly and fun. Let’s do something heartbreaking this time.
I’ve mentioned many times on this blog that horribly tragic events occur far too often in the lives of superheroes. Not to mention that bad guy beating is a high stress possession. Plus, you know the cruelty of supervillains. Eventually, and it’s always an eventuality, a superhero will break. You’ve read the title of the article, so you know who I’m going to talk about.
Daredevil
We’ll start with Daredevil (real name Matt Murdock). He’s not as well-known as some of the others and his movie sucked. When he was young, he rushes to save a blind man from an oncoming truck, causing the truck’s radioactive cargo to blind Murdock. His father, a famous boxer, was killed by the mafia for not throwing a fight shortly after. Daredevil has extensive martial arts training , his remaining four senses are greatly heightened, and this cool radar sense like bats do to detect stuff around him. Also, no other superhero in the Marvel world has suffered as much as him.
This is how most Daredevil stories end:
He’s had two lovers killed, his secret identity exposed, his law career ruined, his house blown up, his soul possessed, more nervous breakdowns than I can mention, and that’s just in recent years. The newest issues of Daredevil attract readers by promising that he’ll actually win once in a while. So Murdock tends to be a bit angrier and more frustrated than most superheroes. But at least you know he has good reason.
We jump to Daredevil #49 and #50, written by the genius Brian Michael Bendis. Murdock has just gotten married to a wonderful blind woman. Sure, he’s attacked daily. His livelihood and reputation are a wreck. But for the first time in a very long time, his life has at least one bright light in the mind-numbingly painful fog.
Until Bullseye shows up one night at Daredevil’s apartment just as Daredevil left for patrol. The same Bullseye who killed his first wife and a later girlfriend.
Daredevil has had a bad decade. His only goal is to make his neighborhood safe. And he’s suffered for every single good deed he’s done. Murdock’s piled on so much crap that he hasn’t hung himself is a victory itself. A human psyche can only handle so much. And Bullseye attempting to murder his wife is the final rock that shatters the proverbial window of his sanity.
And you have just witnessed the exact moment Daredevil snapped.
You know what can hurt more than fists? Words.
He’s definitely pissed off, but this Bullseye fight isn’t why I’m bringing up Daredevil. You read the word bubbles. Bullseye’s a pawn. Time to go after the king.
And trust me, his anger has not subsided:
Yes, you’re right – Daredevil doesn’t kill. But he knows the Kingpin can survive being hit with a car, which is something you probably won’t see Captain America doing. No more games. No more level bosses to defeat and move on. This is game over.
You see, he’s fought the Kingpin and his lackies for years. Daredevil will put them in jail, destroy their operations, and save Hell’s Kitchen. Rinse and repeat his entire crime fighting career. He’s beaten the same assassins dozens of times. He’s ruined mobster schemes hundreds of times. Yet, the cycle never ends. The bad guys return to commit atrocities over and over again, and Daredevil has lost everything he cares about because of it.
No more.
Time to send a message. And if the driving a car through the wall trick isn’t broken, why fix it?
Yeah, that’s definitely not what Captain America would do. And what does Daredevil get out of this? What’s the end result? A few months of peace, the arrival of a new kingpin, a sniper bullet through the chest, and a lengthy jail sentence. It sucks to be Daredevil.
Spider-Man
While not as bad as Daredevil, Spider-Man’s life hasn’t been terribly easy. He’s a genius, but he makes awful decisions. We go back a few years to the Marvel Civil War. I’m going to go over this quickly. While chasing the supervillain Nitro through a suburb, the New Warriors team failed to capture him and Nitro exploded, killing hundreds of civillains and the nearby elementary school.
In response, the government passed the Superhuman Registration Act, forcing all superheroes to de-mask, register with the government, and serve on a federally supervised superhero team. It split the Marvel world in two. Spider-Man, in a show of support for the law, publicly revealed his identity as Peter Parker and registered. Turns out secret identities are secret for a reason. The Kingpin hired an assassin to kill Parker, and in a botched attempt, the sniper’s bullet missed Parker and hit his 70ish year-old Aunt May. This is where our story picks up in Amazing Spider-Man #539 through #543, written by J. Michael Straczynski.
He spends the next three or so issues hunting down who ordered the hit.
Yeah, this is not the Spider-Man you know and love. Nothing lighthearted in this arc. Remember, Aunt May didn’t get by a bus. She was shot because her nephew is Spider-Man. And if you have to pick a single personality flaw of spider-Man, it’s that he doesn’t take loss and guilt well.
Not a good arc to prove how funny Spider-Man can be. Parker, emotionally ruined by seeing his Aunt May on life support, has become a force of terror aimed straight at the Kingpin. And the reader observes a Spider-Man they have never seen before.
Forgot to mention the Kingpin bunks in jail. No matter. The confrontation now has an audience.
Getting a fairly good grasp of the Kingpin’s personality so far? You don’t become the crime boss of New York City without being a giant douche. All definitions of giant.
Figured out that Kingpin doesn’t stand a chance? I mean, you saw Spider-Man chuck a jeep earlier.
Spider-Man’s right, you know. He’s way faster, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a normal person. And the Kingpin, unfortunately, is a normal person. Parker has the capability to kill with just a simple flick of the wrist, and what has set him apart from the supervillains is his refusal to do so. But not anymore. The Kingpin no longer deserves any mercy.
Spider-Man has never been scarier than this moment:
It’s crazy awesome, right? Spider-Man has snapped before, but never that deeply. Too bad he’s too poor to afford therapy. Crime fighting isn’t a lucrative gig.
Just so there’s no closure, obviously Spider-Man doesn’t kill the Kingpin. Immediately after this began the controversial Brand New Day story arc, where the demon Mephisto offers to save Aunt May’s life in exchange for Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage. As an added bonus, mainly to return some of the status quo, everyone forgets Spider-Man’s secret identity. A benefit of being a comic book, I guess.
Nothing like a few bad days though, huh? Or in the Kingpin’s case, a bunch of them.
Superman and the genre-swapping kryptonite
Posted: 06/13/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 2 CommentsI’m a big fan of Superman. He’s an unrelenting force of good. The protector of the innocent and helpless. An incorruptible, forever optimistic powerhouse. That and he’s crazy strong. Back in the earliest days, he had zero weaknesses. His stories weren’t about him fighting bad guys as much as saving civilians. But that get’s boring. So they introduce tougher villains and kryptonite, pieces of his home planet that for some reason make him super weak.
And truthfully, I live for the moments when the supervillains start to win. Because when I say Superman’s tough, that’s like saying Batman is doing okay financially. Superman has the potential for such astronomical levels of strength, such incomprehensible amounts of power, that the very idea he doesn’t just smush every villain immediately into putty is the very definition of a superhero. Superman can be beaten because he holds back. He has to because of how strong he is. So, in those occasional moments when Superman lets go, when he’s broken his superhuman calm and loses himself to primal anger, they’re the greatest scenes in comics.
This is the scariest moment any comic book supervillain will ever gaze upon.
But we’re not talking about that today. We’re aiming for silly. In the wonderful series Superman/Batman #44 through #49 written by Michael Green, the two heroes realize that the sale and distribution of kryptonite has become frequently more and more deadly for the most powerful superhero on the planet. So, with the entire Justice League at their disposal, they decide to get rid of all the world’s kryptonite. Go find every single shard of it lying around and throw it all in the sun. No more kryptonite and Superman’s only weakness is totally removed.
Writers, unsatisfied with the simple overwhelmingly painful green kyptonite, have created many different colors each with different effects. Red kryptonite turns him apathetic. Gold removes Superman’s powers. Black causes him to go insane. And then you get silver.
Uh oh, what happened? Does he now have a tail? Nope, something worse. Much worse:
All his friends changed into anime midgets.
The big blue boy scout has become a ten year-old boy. If nothing is done, this would be pretty awful for the superhero community. Sure, Green Lantern can totally hold his own, but Superman can juggle moons. Our story now splits in half. Superman has math homework and Batman has to find a cure so this doesn’t become permanent:
Batman and the magician Zatanna go adventuring for the antidote while the other members of the Justice League play babysitter. Still, this entire story arc, every character involved is there to find and dispose of kryptonite on behalf of Superman. Red Tornado and the Flash have never spent a single night worrying about what kryptonite can do to them. This is Superman cashing in on every favor and squeezing every ounce of his reputation so he can gather up thousands of tons of his only weakness.
Unfortunately, he’s out of commission. Don’t worry, Batman’s on the job.
I have no idea what “the laws of physics take liberties” mean. Do the dinosaurs float? Has friction disappeared and all the animals slide around like an ice rink? Poor Batman’s going to find out. He’s going to battle prehistoric science-defying monsters just so Superman doesn’t get sent to timeout.
But back to the Watch Tower, where the Justice League is keeping Superman out of trouble.
Preteen Superman’s a poor sport. You figure the space satellite specifically designed for overseeing any problems happening on Earth wouldn’t have a big screen TV and cases of soda. More importantly, we just learned that Superman is great at video games. Add that skill next to x-ray vision and ice breath.
While Superman has the capability to relax and enjoy himself, unlike say, Batman, it’s usually just for a few brief comic panels with Lois on the couch before Braniac or Parasite attacks the city. Yeah, Superman may be crazy right now, but it’s a full day of him doing nothing but being an impulsive brat. He could certainly use a day like this before the cure is found. Speaking of which, let’s check back up on Batman:
Great, he’s in a volcano and his shirt’s gone.
Someone’s going to be extra pissy when he finds out the world’s greatest superhero spent this time polishing off the League’s supply of Fritos. Big surprise, an antidote is found and Superman doesn’t have to attend sixth grade. He got to completely sweep away his worries for the first time in his life. Fortunately, this mini vacation comes with an introspective monologue.
Y’know why Spider-Man’s mantra, “with great power comes great responsibility” is so successful? Because it’s true, and that idea haunts the actions of every superhero since the dawn of superheroes. A day off is fine, but in doing so, someone innocent will be injured or killed. Though without a day off, superheroes will eventually ruin their own lives. All superheroes could recall dozens of examples of their personal lives being upturned and destroyed because of their life’s devotion to fight evil. Guilt no matter the choice.
But to keep spirits high and celebrate success, a single evening off won’t hurt, especially not for a home cooked meal with the best superhero parents ever.
Hawkeye & Spider-Woman: a love story
Posted: 06/12/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 8 CommentsI’m not going to lie, Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) does well with the comic book ladies. He’s handsome, confident, has a criminal record, and saved the world a few times – a combination that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex. But he is also a devoted, loving husband. Well, was. About two years ago, his wife Mockingbird and he broke up in the desert while Mockingbird stood outside a plane as it blasted off, as comic book relationships should. Luckily, he’s a catch and unlike the other blond Avenger, he wasn’t born in a time when swing music was popular.
Spider-Woman (real name Jessica Drew) may be a bit more unknown to you. Her parents were terrorists, who experimented on their baby to make a super baby. She can fly, has enhanced physical abilities, shoots bio-electric blasts from her hands, and can excrete a pheromone that makes men suddenly attracted to her. Also, she’s in absolutely no way related or associated with Spider-Man. Long story short, she’s recently back after being abducted by a shape-changing alien race called the Skrulls and ready to battle the bad guys. Oh, also date again.
Brian Michael Bendis, the genius comic book writer, has spent over a decade writing Ultimate Spider-Man, the best combination ever done of punching and high school drama. He’s brought his talents to the pages of The Avengers, and it’s no less high school drama-y. I love it.
Did you know the Avengers have a mansion where their butler serves them cereal or whatever? It’s nice to be an Avenger. Our romance starts when the extraterrestrial Noh-Varr brings over his human college girlfriend.
Yeah, now Hawkeye knows she available and desperate: his type of woman. By the way, circus boy isn’t really an insult – he grew up on a circus with his supervillain brother Trick Shot and mentor Swordsman. Both fairly on-the-nose names.
Because they’re Avengers, they’re always moments away from some big battle. Fortunately in their brief downtime, they get invited to a party with Thor and the Asgardians, currently living in the ruins of Oklahoma. Spider-Woman and Ms. Marvel sneak off to a corner of the Viking-esque palace so they can gossip while sipping their cosmopolitans mead.
Just because they’re superheroes doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Sure, Ms. Marvel’s costume is more of a one-piece swimsuit with boots and Spider-Woman has no pupils, but why shouldn’t they find love? At least for Drew. Ms. Marvel’s out of luck.
The Avengers comic had this brilliant idea that the stories would be told as if the Avengers were sitting down for interviews for a documentary. I beg you to go read it in its entirety, but at least you get to enjoy moments like this.
It’s like The Bachelor confessionals! Only unlike The Bachelor, we don’t hate everyone in the Avengers.
So let’s witness the two’s first real flirt. I promise you it’ll go exactly as you hoped it would.
Were you hoping for awkward? I’m always amazed at how blindingly overconfident Hawkeye is about everything. His outfit is bright purple and his most useful superpower is glue arrows. Even when Bucky joined for a while as Captain America’s replacement, he had a cool bionic arm. I don’t deny that “master marksman” is a neat title. It just doesn’t compare to say, “able to bench press a minivan,” which at the time of this issue, 11 of the 15 Avengers could. And of the others who don’t have super strength, Iron Fist’s the inheritor of a millennium old kung fu magic, Dr. Strange’s the Sorcerer Supreme, and Mockingbird is Hawkeye’s ex-wife. I adore Hawkeye, but his trump card is an arrow attached to a net.
Still, just because Hawkeye recently got out of a bad relationship, why can’t the two hang out for a while? This could be healthy. Especially Spider-Woman, because she’s a mess.
C’mon, you tell me, what’s a little harmless flirting? Tony Stark does that with every woman he has ever met in his life. What’s so different about these two? Well, this is the cover of the next issue:
You see, when two people battle a possessed Hulk, currently carrying a hammer of Thor, it brings them closer together. No matter how tough a superhero claims to be, nothing makes them wet their pants faster than an angry Hulk. And you’ve seen the movie, he’s always angry. As the team retreats from the battle, it’s either the adrenaline or Hulk blood’s actually an aphrodisiac, but we’re finally rewarded for months of teasing.
A lovely moment! Though Ms. Marvel cannot get away from being this side plot’s third wheel. That poor girl. She doesn’t even wear pants, why can’t she get some superhero action? About two years ago, Venom ate her and revealed to Spider-Man that she has a little crush on him. Nothing’s come out of it, and they’re both single. Plus, Spider-Man’s dated supermodel Mary Jane Watson, currently has a high-paying job as a mad scientist, and he’s a proven family man by providing for his elderly Aunt May. Ms. Marvel could do way worse.
Anyway, after the romantic moment shared in the back of a truck, watch Barton seal the deal.
I know you want some satisfaction on this budding relationship. I’m going to give it to you. Because nothing is hotter than making out in the Avengers garden where they bury dead superheroes.
Captain America’s such a c-blocker. Though if you have any complaints about Yankee Doodle, skirting the subject isn’t one of them.
See? A real couple! They’re still together too, because this issue was only a few months ago. They’ll probably stay together until one of them gets sucked into a phantom dimension or turned into a communist robot.
In case you’re curious, Captain America’s in a serious, long-term relationship with the niece of the woman he fell in love with during World War II. Oh, and he used to date the Scarlet Witch, who was married to a robot. And let’s not forget Diamondback, a supervillian whose superpower is gymnastics. So if that’s the dating standard for the poster boy of how a superhero is supposed to act, Hawkeye and Spider-Woman stand a very good chance.
Who is the dreaded Carpenter?
Posted: 06/12/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 5 CommentsDo you know Jenna Duffy, otherwise known as the Carpenter? You shouldn’t. She’s only appeared in seven issues, spread out among different Batman series. When I say she’s a minor character, that’s a tremendous understatement. Duffy will never appear in any Batman trivia or trading cards. But she’s a delightful supervillain, and one that’ll enrich your long, fulfilling life.
Yup, she’s actually a carpenter. As legitimate as Jesus. Originally a pickpocket and thief from Keystone City (where the Flash lives), she moved to Gotham in hopes of a better life and a bigger score. That and her expertise with power tools. Her first appearance was in Detective Comics #841, where she made this brave stand against the Dark Knight:
Don’t worry, because her reign of terror isn’t over. In Detective Comics #847 just a mere six issues later, she’s engaged in mortal combat with Robin (Damian Wayne, the pre-pubescent fourth Robin).
So she doesn’t have a promising future like some of the other member of Batman’s rogue gallery. To be fair, she has to plug her weapons in. And she attacked a ten year-old with a power drill. But as you know from comics, explosions occur almost every other month. Who’s going to fix these hideouts? Normal contractors might discover the supervillains’ stash of stolen cash or trick guillotines and tattle to Commissioner Gordon. That’s when you call in the Carpenter.
Children, this is why you should always have some expertise to fall back on if defeating Batman fails. And there’s 70 years of proof that taking out Batman’s a wee bit tough.
In the last issue, the Gotham City Sirens (Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn) had their house blown up, so while they go after the bad guy, they need to come back to a fresh animal shelter, greenhouse, and Joker shrine. Plus, supervillainy pays terribly well, so let it be known that despite dressing up like a bad Halloween costume, Catwoman is loaded.
But narrative structure is only successful when obstacles to the path of success arise. Who do you call when you’re in a pit where the walls are slowly caving in? Damn right, you call the Carpenter.
Spoiler alert: they win.
As you know, any important character in comic books has their own customized ride. Don’t fret, because the Carpenter is no exception:
Unfortunately, the Sirens are a trio and not a quadruple or whatever it’s called. Duffy’s brief appearance has to end eventually. Is it going to be exciting and emotionally satisfying? No, but at least you can sleep easy tonight with a fraction of closure.
You must have realized by now that this isn’t really enough to justify an entire article. After all, you have Sportscenter and Man v. Food episodes to catch up on and your time is too valuable to waste on a background character. I’m not half-assing, I swear. In Batman: Streets of Gotham #12 and #13, the Carpenter stars in her very own adventure. Let’s explore together!
So what has Duffy been up to since fixing up Catwoman’s pad? I’m glad you asked!
Oh, now she has freckles. Character development and whatnot.
Anyway, Batman shows up, breaks up the mob party, and as the Carpenter sneaks out the back, she’s given an interesting proposition. Not that, you pervert.
We’ve all seen Batman stumble onto these crazy hideouts full of surprises, right? It’s fun to see Batman dodge falling ceiling fans or buzzsaws coming out of walls. But even in a fictional world, these criminal hideouts take time and skill to build. You’re about to go behind the scenes. This is DVD extra stuff.
Before that, I know I’ve been calling her a supervillain, but how is she any more dangerous than a normal carpenter? So far, seems like that’s more of a profession than a name to strike fear in the hearts of do-gooders. Luckily, the job turns out to be at an old movie theater. And henchmen are always hanging around abandoned cinemas.
Satisfied? Yeah, you can get why she’s a very minor character in the DC world. At least you have a VIP pass to witness the pre-Batman trap setup, right? Complete with actor commentary.
Now what’s the biggest problem about working for supervillains? Did you guess the casualty rate of the hired help? You’re right. But Duffy ain’t a mob lawyer or terrified accountant. She’s served under the Mad Hatter. She carries mini sledgehammers. The Carpenter is a bona fide supervillain. And she’s not about to let some wannabe baddie take her out. No matter how devious the plan:
What do you do when you’ve been paid in advance and want to make it out alive? Yessir, you alert Batman and stay out of his way. He’ll maneuver around the deathtraps and clean up all the bad guy trash. He’s the supernanny of putting supervillains to bed. By bed I mean knocked unconscious on the warehouse floor.
Sadly, no matter the heads up, Batman is also really mean.
And that’s Dick Grayson as Batman. Bruce Wayne would have caved her face in. He’s not a fan of crime.
Are you sad that the Carpenter’s last appearance in comics had her running away like a punk? Wipe away your tears, because I have one final page. A page that inspires hope and happiness in the spirit of the readers. Trust me, the Carpenter has many traits, like hard-working, highly skilled, and surprisingly intuitive, but most importantly, she’s greedy. And that’s the perfect flaw for a supervillain.
Fun with Deadpool
Posted: 06/11/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel Leave a commentHe’s the perfect superhero for the ADHD Internet era. Completely wacky, extremely violent, and just a hint of self-loathing, Deadpool has rocketed in popularity over the past decade.
If you want to keep up with the youth in up and coming superhero fads, you need to know about Deadpool. Plus, all of his series are fantastically written and delightfully fun.
A little backstory to get you caught up before we divulge into our issue for today.
Deadpool, real name Wade Wilson, is a product of the Weapon X program, which you may know as the main reason for Wolverine’s angst and memory loss. As a science guinea pig, Deadpool was given Wolverine’s mutant healing factor. Unfortunately, that also sped up the growth of the cancerous tumors he happened to have and left his body horrible scarred and disfigured. But hey, at least he heals fast, and coupled with his extensive military training, makes him a formidable mercenary and assassin.
You still might be asking, what’s so special about a Wolverine ripoff? Well, he doesn’t have claws. More importantly, he’s insane and I can’t stress how literally I mean that. Allow me to provide proof using his battle against Bullseye in Deadpool #10 through #12, written by Daniel Way.
Real fast: Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, has created a team of Dark Avengers. Bullseye, pretending to be Hawkeye, is sent after Deadpool to get rid of him. Deadpool has just robbed a house when he goes upstairs to check on the owner. Yeah, so Deadpool’s not exactly a superhero.
One guess to figure out who’s the assassin. Bullseye and Deadpool scrap for a few pages, because it’s why we read comics in the first place.
And now that you’re caught up, I’m going to skip a bunch of context. Look, the two are going to be fighting for the next three issues, you can figure out from the pictures what’s going on. Like this:
That healing factor makes Deadpool pretty much invincible. Around forty issues later, the Hulk will punch Deadpool so hard that his body liquefies, and he’s back to normal a few days later. So while an arrow through the brain ain’t physically lethal, I imagine it does screw up a few cognitive processes. Probably. I’m not a scientist.
A large part of Deadpool’s charm is his schizophrenia. Arguing with the voices in his head and such. Turns his solo series into a team up. You see his appeal? No? Well, it’s stuff such as this:
And this:
Want to take a guess about Deadpool’s reputation in the superhero and supervillain communities? Did you say universally hated? Yeah, Deadpool isn’t getting invited to any late night poker games. Though don’t feel bad for him, because in a world where a blue furry mutant cat can get an attractive normal green-haired girlfriend, the fault lies entirely with Deadpool. He’s kind of a loose cannon – oh, and a moron.
But it’s because of how crazily stupid he is that we get moments like these. Moments that etch Deadpool’s name permanently into the annals of the Marvel greats. Moments such as the three full pages you’re about to read.
You see, even as funny as Spider-Man’s comics are, they’re still surrounded by monologues and scenes of Spider-Man’s frustrating anguish and the burden of responsibility. These make him more relatable and the reader roots harder for him to win. Deadpool comics don’t bother with those, because Deadpool’s a silly, spontaneous character who’s lacks any sense of accountability for his actions. Other superhero comics deal with their protagonists overcoming overwhelming odds to persevere in the face of adversity and those are fantastic stories, but Deadpool’s about fun and he’s found a major following because of it.
The irony is that his dickish behavior’s the reason he’s so loved.
And if you’ve found yourself emotionally invested in this story and want to know how it ends, you’re in luck. Bullseye and Deadpool go back to being sort of friends. Why? Because the unifying theme in all his adventures revolves around Deadpool not giving a crap. Cue the next arc where he decides to join the X-Men and the arc after that where he fights a macaque monkey assassin with Spider-Man. You’re damn right you want to read it.
Lex Luthor and Joker: bosom buddies
Posted: 06/10/2012 Filed under: DC, Relationships 1 CommentWe’ve spent the last few articles surrounded by a lot of bloodshed and violence. So why don’t we relax and just enjoy a conversation?
Say hello to the Joker and Lex Luthor, the two most infamous villains in the DC universe. We witness this gem in Action Comics #897, written by Paul Cornell.
I don’t really need or wish to go into the supervillains’ back stories. You’ve seen the movies and TV shows. Luthor is a brilliant, scheming, greedy businessman and Joker is an insane, unpredictable, unreliable psychopath. They’re not good friends. Or friends. But they each need something from the other, so we get to watch this manipulation game unfold itself. And it’s wonderful.
About a year before this in a huge DC event, one of the Green Lanterns’ enemies used his power to resurrect every dead superhero and villain as evil zombie warriors. The good guys prevailed. Luthor, wanting this power for himself, set off looking for spheres that contained remnants or clues. Turns out Joker has one.
Yeah, Joker’s an asshole. A few years before this, Joker kidnapped then President Luthor and tortured him to near death. The enemy of my enemy is my friend cliche doesn’t really apply here. And because of Joker’s personality and apathy, Luthor has to tread lightly to get what he wants – especially when Joker holds all the cards.
Oops. Unfortunately, Luthor isn’t without his ego – though it’s hard pressed to find a supervillain who lacks it. Turns out part of the whole being the arch-nemesis of the fastest, most powerful superhero on the planet takes a bit of pride in oneself. Though the giant robot suits don’t hurt.
When I said the Joker holds the upper hand in this conversation, I meant it:
But seriously, we’re over the whole threats thing. We get it, it’s what supervillians do. The only time bad guys show any respect or good vibes is when they’re being sarcastic. So let’s get right to the meat of the meeting.
Have you ever realized how similar Luthor and Batman are? They’re both billionaires, though Luthor is self-made and Wayne inherited his wealth. They both have obsessive personalities (Superman and crime respectively). They’re both humorless geniuses with a strong reluctance to rely on other people. Why aren’t they drinking imported exotic juices squeezed from endangered animals and poured into goblets made out the hardened tears of their mid-management? Well, I mean if you exclude Wayne being a decent human being.
But this just came to me speaking of humorless. Many DC superheroes have a fantastic sense of humor. Nightwing, Plastic Man, the Flash a little bit. But Superman? I think he has a decent sense of humor, he’s just not funny. Find me a comic panel where Superman makes even a mediocre joke. He’s too busy having every superpower ever to fine tune his comedy. Anyways.
Mission complete! All that’s left is to bargain with the Joker for his prize and Luthor can go back to his sweatshops. But what do with a man who has everything versus a man who wants nothing? Well, I mean, not exactly nothing. Joker’s in a prison jumpsuit after all, so what about a release before he’s most likely put back in there by Batman a month later? No? You want a page of the Joker philosophizing? Want to see the Joker let his guard down and be real with Luthor for once in his wacky life? Of course.
The Joker’s known for being a super liar, but it’d be nice for the two to have a moment. Luthor should totally sit down with the Joker to swap bomb tips and brag about stupid stuff they got their henchmen to do. It’s not like either has any friends. But alas, that’s the downside of being mega evil.
Oh, want to know Luthor’s lackies? The woman’s an android Lois Lane and the man’s a reporter. And like most comic book reporters on to a major breakthrough, his days are severely numbered.
Happy ending for everybody! Except the reporter, but none ever get past an issue or two hanging around supervillians. Luthor gets his sphere and Joker gets his entertainment. The reader leaves satisfied and stuffed. And no, I don’t know why Joker has a mouth mustache either.
I’m not going to spoil this arc, but in Action Comics #900, the final confrontation between Luthor and Superman is one of the most fantastic issues I’ve ever read in DC comics. And that includes this issue from last week:
Hulk vs. X-Men
Posted: 06/10/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentLet’s jump right into this. We’re going to talk about the Hulk.
What has made Hulk so popular can be boiled down to two major points:
a) The eternal inner battle between the meek scientist Bruce Banner and his avatar of rage Hulk.
b) Lots of smashing.
In 2006 and 2007, Hulk was shot into space and sent far away from Earth because y’know, he’s super dangerous. Well, his spaceship made a wrong turn and instead of a happy planet full of flowers and butterflies, Hulk landed on a violent gladiator planet. Because he’s the Hulk, he fought his way to the top and married a hot space alien (I guess?). One day, his spaceship exploded, killing his wife. But who sent him away in that spaceship in the first place? Yeah – Iron Man, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, and Mr. Fantastic. They called themselves the Illuminati, along with Namor (who dissented to the Hulk launch) and Professor X (who wasn’t there). So Hulk, pissed off, flies back to Earth to take his revenge on those that betrayed him. Start the major Marvel event World War Hulk.
Since everyone has seen The Avengers movie, you know how strong the Hulk is. Though what makes the Hulk so scary in the comic world is that he has no set level of strength. The angrier he gets, the stronger he is. Add that to a healing factor that rivals Wolverine, and he’s potentially the toughest being in the entire Marvel universe.
A three issue miniseries, World War Hulk: X-Men written by Christos Gage, follows Hulk as he goes to the X-Men mansion to have some “words” with Professor X (real name Charles Xavier). And because you can probably guess how comics go by now, that means fighting all the X-Men. Like all of them. Versus Hulk. And it’s awesome.
See? This isn’t your dad’s Hulk. He’s smart, armored, and hasn’t smiled in months. Will the X-Men hand over Xavier like the green monster asks? Of course not, because we have three issues to go.
First up, Hulk’s going to smack around the New Mutants.
Like the Avengers or Spider-Man villains, the roster is gigantic and you really only care about half of them. I know you haven’t heard of these X-Men. Y’see, when not fighting Magneto, the X-Men are essentially running a school. And since all the original class are probably in their 30s now, a fresh crop of students is necessary. Like the New Mutants. They’re cool, trust me. But it’s still the Hulk punching a bunch of teenagers (and Beast).
Professor X may be a bit of a dick (a recent revelation, unlike the movies where he’s charming James McAvoy with a full head of hair), but he’s still a good guy. And you have to be a real douche to stand around while children are being ripped apart by the radiation monster who declared war on Earth.
By this time, the famous X-Men you know and love have arrived. Xavier and Hulk have a little chat.
I’d be irresponsible to mention that this miniseries takes place about half way through the event. Hulk and his army have already subdued Iron Man and Black Bolt. He’s moments away from victory against both teams of Avengers and the Fantastic Four. Being the super psychic genius Professor X is, he’s well aware of the consequences. But Charles admits the truth. Damn right he would have voted yes. So y’know, round two:
How’s the fight go? Shall we find out?
Not well. Though one furry Canadian mutant is still left. Y’see, Wolverine and Hulk have some history. Wolverine’s first appearance in comics was as a Hulk villain. Plus, Wolverine can heal, take massive amounts of damage, and his adamantium claws can actually pierce Hulk’s skin. How do you deal with an enemy that can take everything you dish out? Unfortunately, dumb Hulk disappeared years ago.
And round two goes to Hulk. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Professor X saved many of these mutants from lives of society’s rejection and gave them a family they never thought they would have. Sure, he trains them to be soldiers, but if you could shoot fire from your hands wouldn’t you want to learn how to fight?
Luckily, the arc isn’t over yet. One more team, one more round against the green gamma beast with fists as big as their torsos.
Who’s going to win? You probably don’t need Vegas odds to place a bet.
Don’t count the X-Men out yet. I mean, there’s only Nightcrawler left, but he’s a tricky little mutant. And while kicks to the face aren’t going to faze Hulk, Nightcrawler can totally teleport the big guy. Hulk’s a bit too massive to warp farther than a few hundred feet, but that’s plenty of room for the classic Drop the Plane on the Raging Brute scheme.
Yay! Call the ref and ring the bell, because this fight is over! They X-Men can go back to their bunk beds and make s’mores and have the algebra test as scheduled tomorrow. Oh, never mind.
No more X-Men. They ran out of reinforcements and looks like Professor X is going to Hulk jail. Wait, what do you see out of the corner of your eye? Is that the potential savior approaching the battlefield? Who possess balls enormous enough to challenge the Hulk after just beating down three squads of mutants? Can he turn around the battle and redeem himself for the past mistakes and atrocities he’s committed?
Nope.
But you see, in the timeline of comics, no group has suffered the discrimination and agony that the X-Men have endured. Their past, present, and future have all been revealed as tragic, horrible struggles against the forces of hate and inequality. You know who might be able to relate? Yeah, Hulk.
Don’t forget that as many X-Men as he’s just punched, this all started because the happiness Hulk brutally fought for was taken away from him in a single vindictive, explosive flash. Certainly, he has a right to revenge. Except despite Xavier’s confession, he didn’t actually vote to send him away. That and the entire history of the X-Men:
Happy ending? Kind of?
Punisher: Nazi Hunter
Posted: 06/08/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 8 CommentsIn honor of today’s amazing boost in hits, let’s do a special Friday article!
Today’s about the Punisher (real name Frank Castle), the most black and white character in the Marvel universe. While some superheroes struggle with the morality of the criminals and the individual situations involved with each one, the Punisher has a simple philosophy. You commit a crime, you die. No mercy, no forgiveness. But it’s his backstory that I want to talk about before going into the arc. Castle has no superpowers, just extensive military training gained from his service in Vietnam. Yes, Vietnam. Whereas Iron Man’s origin got updated from building his first armor in Vietnam to the war in the Middle East, Castle has gotten no such update.
Which means that even if the Punisher served at the end of the war, he’d be at least 60 years old. And he began fighting crime shortly after his return from the war, where his family was gunned down accidentally in a firefight between mobsters one afternoon in the park. Castle has been gunning down bad guys for over 30 years. So he’s very good at what he does, and can holds his own against tougher superheroes and supervillains. But he still kills, so to say his relationships with other good guys are strained is sort of an understatement. Like Captain America.
You’d think the two would get along. They’re both war veterans who hate criminals. Except that even though Captain America waved around a machine gun in World War II, nowadays he’s pretty strict on the standard no killing rule. The Punisher tends to be a bit more lax. So while Captain America is the shining moral example that superheroes strive to be, the Punisher makes bad guys wet themselves wearing just a t-shirt with a skull on it.
But a few years ago, Captain America got assassinated.
Because Castle has such a strict system of justice, he doesn’t and never will kill good guys. He’s after the wicked. Add Captain America’s reputation and his past as a war hero like the Punisher, you can bet your Archie comics collection that the Punisher respects him. Which led to this fantastic arc in Punisher: War Journal:
Yup, allow me to introduce you to Hate Monger. He’s a racist supervillain. Unfortunately, it’s more of a title because Hate Mongers tend not to last very long. Especially not when the Punisher is coming.
Castle isn’t bulletproof. He can’t just flip a jeep into the white supremacist camp and gun them all down. The Punisher has to plan. To infiltrate. To time his attacks. But he’s had 30 years of practice, and no one knows how to go incognito like the Punisher:
Luckily, not too many neo-Nazis hold doctorates, so he gets into the club. Unluckily, turns out they’re not just a ragtag team of biker outlaws. We have a new generation, one who learned that burning crosses and spitting on Jews may not be the best way to accomplish their ultimate goals. Which means Castle now has to deal with this:
Okay, so maybe the neo-Nazis do have some doctorates. H-Rays, in true comic book fashion, are invisible and undetectable, but upon ingestion brings up dormant rage and hatred. Secret plot discovered. Now it’s up to Confederate Punisher to stop this madness from the inside. But y’know, what’s the fun in hiding?
Just because Castle fights a hell of a fight doesn’t mean he’s always successful. Even Captain America gets captured occasionally. Besides what’s the fun in having the good guy win every brawl he’s in? We enjoy seeing how James Bond gets out of cackling villains’ traps. So despite utilizing all the cacti in the area, the Punisher is found out, captured, and tied to a post. More importantly, it gives the Hate Monger time to rant.
In the next few panels, the Punisher is wearing a new costume. Why? Well, there just so happens to be an opening for a new Captain America.
Half of the captain’s rogue gallery is Nazis. Cap was killed by a henchman of the de facto Nazi leader, Red Skull. So while the other heroes give emotional eulogies and toasts, the Punisher honors Captain America the best way he knows how.
Didn’t stop him from getting defeated, but let it be known that the Punisher isn’t known for being enjoyable to be around.
Because of the narrative direction I wished to pursue, you’re hopefully clear that the Hate Monger is an asshole (and not just because of that terrible soul patch), but you’re missing hard proof to justify my claim. Well, I’m not going to let you down. Before we get to the exciting conclusion of our tale, let’s go back a few pages to an inspirational speech.
In summary, the Hate Monger, seeing Captain America’s death on TV like the rest of the world, decides to adopt a version of the costume for use in his evil plans. The Punisher, normally outraged by crime but in this case, H-Ray crazy outraged, makes his own Captain America costume to deal with this douchebag. Because although Castle may not be a homing beacon for the country’s morality and patriotism, he sure as hell knows it’s never going to be Hate Monger.
The Punisher definitely isn’t afraid of death, and some critics will argue that he’s secretly hoping to die so he can see his family again and blah blah blah, but it certainly would ruin the literary flow. Castle’s allies, which include that skinny guy with glasses and a government agent out to arrest Castle, ambush the execution scene, bomb the hideout, and pandemonium ensues. Punisher wins, because he always wins. Plus, who wants a Nazi victory?
Seriously, stop hogging all the bad vibes, Hate Monger. As you can guess, the Punisher doesn’t become the next Captain America. Not just because of his love of bullets and inability to be a team player, but for very different reasons then other superheroes.
He’s part of the big three New York city “street” crimefighters I mentioned in an early article, but unlike Spider-Man or Daredevil who have lost scores of loved ones, experienced terrible tragedies and will continue to do so, the Punisher will not. No one gets close to the Punisher. He’s never going to have a girlfriend or best friend. His only mission in life to snuff out as many criminals as possible, partly for revenge of his murdered family and partly to protect decent people who don’t turn to crime. Friendships and relationships take time away from his mission and can potentially create opportunities for baddies to get the upper hand on Castle. The Punisher at most will have a computer guy for information, and even then he barely grunts at them. He’s the very definition of anti-hero, just with none of the charm.
Finally, for both Castle’s closure and to tie up loose ends, Captain America’s former partner and dear friend Bucky (who does become the new Captain America a few months later) meets up with the Punisher shortly after the Hate Monger mess.
Kkfaatch indeed.
Arousing Grammar 