Beast loves Agent Brand

Poor Beast.  He dated a little bit before he mutated into the blue animal he is today, but once he became the world’s smartest yeti, the whole dating scene got a little tougher.  But if the Thing can do it, why not Beast?  Well, there’s a big difference between the two: precedents.

Bestiality’s the difference.  You see, we’ve known for centuries that dating animals is not only gross, but also way against any rules of society.  Orange rock monsters though?  Society doesn’t have any misgivings against that.  Yet.

Don’t feel bad though, because despite the smell and shedding, Beast has quite a few things going for him.  First, he’s easily one of the ten smartest people in the world — Mr. Fantastic will totally call him up occasionally to schmooze science.  That and Beast’s super strength, super agility, and being a founding member of the X-Men.  He can do better than Trish Tiby.

Three excuses, all lies.  She can’t handle him anyway.  But I know someone who can.

Today, we’re taking a look at the tumultuous courtship and relationship of Beast and Agent Abigail Brand, commander of the alien defense organization S.W.O.R.D. (Sentient World Observation and Response Department).  To avoid listing issues individually, once again here’s a giant list of comics used today in the order used:

X-Men #117, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Ethan Van Sciver
X-Men #125, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Igor Kordey
Astonishing X-Men #7, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #20, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #21, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #22, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #24, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Giant-Sized Astonishing X-Men #1, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #27, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Simone Bianchi
X-Men Regenesis one-shot, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Billy Tan
S.W.O.R.D. #1, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Steven Sanders
S.W.O.R.D. #3, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Steven Sanders
S.W.O.R.D. #5, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Steven Sanders

Okay, long list.  Let’s begin.  Have you met Agent Brand?

You won’t find any insecurities with this young lady.  Naturally green hair, completely self-confident, accomplished military career, and not a lick of fear for mutants of any shape or color.  When she calls upon the X-Men to aid her team on Breakworld, the mission goes badly immediately, but that’s expected in comics.

Can you feel the love?  Only a few more panels until Elton John’s singing their theme song.  The animosity doesn’t really get much better this arc.  To be fair, Agent Brand kind of deserves it. Eventually, the group splits up and our lovebirds go off together.

No dirty thoughts.  Turns out Brand’s half-mutant and can project heat from her hands.  If only power was enough to ignite Beast’s heart.  Though if that’s all it took, he’d be dating Silver Surfer.

Back-to-back X-Men insults.  While her personality did not and will never change, she’s not above grand gestures.

Not really romantic.  Agent Brand’s success comes from her rationally tough choices.  In that moment, she realized there was no way to prevent the enemy’s attack, and Beast’s science knowledge was far more useful to success than her gung-ho attitude.  Now ready for some romance?

Okay, not romantic either.  Agent Brand’s not really the mushy type.

That’s as close to sweeping Beast off his feet and smothering kisses on that furry face as Brand’ll get. And you know what?  That’s good enough for Beast.

The couple does work.  Agent Brand doesn’t have any hang ups about what other people think of her dating Beast, plus she finds him irresistibly attractive.  And the sweet, sensitive Beast can add some of those emotions into her life that she so desperately need.  I’m serious, they mesh well.

Ignore caveman Wolverine and caveman Cyclops.  Unrelated literary metaphor.

But to sum up their relationship?

There’re still together currently.  Warm fuzzies all over, right?