A brief moment with Black Widow

Posted: 02/05/2013 | Author: Jason Levine | Filed under: Fights, Marvel | 4 Comments

One of the biggest complaints I hear about The Avengers movie is how Black Widow’s fairly useless compared to the rest of the team. And sure, during a full-scale alien invasion, she can’t compete with an actual god of thunder, but Black Widow (real name either Natalia Romanova or Natasha Romanoff) fulfills a very important role for the team. For missions that require more finesse and less punching, a giant green monster and mechanical suit of armor aren’t going to be able to crawl through ducts.

Natalia has a fascinating back story. She was brainwashed/trained from birth as a Russian super spy using injections and potions, becoming a Soviet James Bond with more flexibility and cleavage. Eventually, she defects to the good ol’ USA. But if you want to talk about a character who’s past catches up often and badly, she’s your superhero to read about. Also, Black Widow’s history has her assassinating as early as the 1950s, making her your grandmother’s age.

Though it takes a while for Marvel to transform Black Widow into Scarlett Johansson. Quite a while. She first appears in Tales of Suspense #52 back in 1963, written by Stan Lee & N. Korok and drawn by Don Heck.

I don’t know why she’s dressed like an extra from The Great Gatsby.

Even when she started wearing that cool spy outfit and letting the red hair flow, the character we know her as today hadn’t fully formed yet:

That’s from Avengers #111, written by Steve Englehart and drawn by Don Heck. Look, you can’t blame her for having a crush on Daredevil (half the Marvel universe wants in that maroon jumpsuit), but always remember: Black Widow first joined the Avengers to spite Daredevil spurning her advances. I’m exaggerating for narrative effect, please don’t judge me.

Today, we’re taking a look at the Fear Itself: The Black Widow one-shot, written by Cullen Bunn and drawn by Peter Nguyen. A large group of Asgardian hammer monsters is currently wrecking havoc on the world, but Captain America has other plans for his best infiltrator.

I should give you some quick back story. First, French terrorists stole some nuclear bombs. The baddies in this church know where the bombs are being stored. More importantly though, Bucky Barnes, Natalia’s boyfriend, has just been killed by Red Skull. Like an issue before this.

I know Black Widow has no powers. But neither does Batman. The non-powered good guys get placed in an interesting story dilemma, where their intelligence and planning plays more into success than the strength of their kicks. And in the Marvel universe, Black Widow’s the best — I mean, they put her in the movie and everything.

Aren’t wrist guns cool?

In the middle of battle, she makes a joke that hits deeper than any of Spider-Man’s quips ever can. Masculinity insults by attractive women forever sting. That and a bullet through his chin. Natalia’s more like Wolverine than Captain America.

Fortunately, the bad guys give up the location of the nukes. Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of wearing a skin-tight leather suit as her only form of protection.

Remember this scene from beginning of the film? She’s tied up in a chair while the bad guys think they’re interrogating her. Then she beats them all up and the audience laughs. This isn’t that scene.

We know Black Widow’s not dead. Sure, she was just shot in the head, but now we get to play the game of seeing how the writer had his characters cheat certain death. Metal plate in the noggin? Gun missed brain by millimeters? Rubber bullets?

LMD’s a good choice. Nick Fury uses them so often that characters have to question who they’re speaking to usually within a panel or two of his entrance. Think of LMDs as remote-controlled, perfect copies of people. Only detectable after being sliced open or shot in the head of whatever. An old plot trick definitely, but not with this twist:

And the world’s safe once more. Though let’s not tell the other Avengers about this.

Beast loves Agent Brand

Posted: 02/03/2013 | Author: Jason Levine | Filed under: Marvel, Relationships | 13 Comments

Poor Beast. He dated a little bit before he mutated into the blue animal he is today, but once he became the world’s smartest yeti, the whole dating scene got a little tougher. But if the Thing can do it, why not Beast? Well, there’s a big difference between the two: precedents.

Bestiality’s the difference. You see, we’ve known for centuries that dating animals is not only gross, but also way against any rules of society. Orange rock monsters though? Society doesn’t have any misgivings against that. Yet.

Don’t feel bad though, because despite the smell and shedding, Beast has quite a few things going for him. First, he’s easily one of the ten smartest people in the world — Mr. Fantastic will totally call him up occasionally to schmooze science. That and Beast’s super strength, super agility, and being a founding member of the X-Men. He can do better than Trish Tiby.

Three excuses, all lies. She can’t handle him anyway. But I know someone who can.

Today, we’re taking a look at the tumultuous courtship and relationship of Beast and Agent Abigail Brand, commander of the alien defense organization S.W.O.R.D. (Sentient World Observation and Response Department). To avoid listing issues individually, once again here’s a giant list of comics used today in the order used:

X-Men #117, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Ethan Van Sciver
X-Men #125, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Igor Kordey
Astonishing X-Men #7, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #20, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #21, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #22, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #24, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Giant-Sized Astonishing X-Men #1, written by Joss Whedon and drawn by John Cassaday
Astonishing X-Men #27, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Simone Bianchi
X-Men Regenesis one-shot, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Billy Tan
S.W.O.R.D. #1, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Steven Sanders
S.W.O.R.D. #3, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Steven Sanders
S.W.O.R.D. #5, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Steven Sanders

Okay, long list. Let’s begin. Have you met Agent Brand?

You won’t find any insecurities with this young lady. Naturally green hair, completely self-confident, accomplished military career, and not a lick of fear for mutants of any shape or color. When she calls upon the X-Men to aid her team on Breakworld, the mission goes badly immediately, but that’s expected in comics.

Can you feel the love? Only a few more panels until Elton John’s singing their theme song. The animosity doesn’t really get much better this arc. To be fair, Agent Brand kind of deserves it. Eventually, the group splits up and our lovebirds go off together.

No dirty thoughts. Turns out Brand’s half-mutant and can project heat from her hands. If only power was enough to ignite Beast’s heart. Though if that’s all it took, he’d be dating Silver Surfer.

Back-to-back X-Men insults. While her personality did not and will never change, she’s not above grand gestures.

Not really romantic. Agent Brand’s success comes from her rationally tough choices. In that moment, she realized there was no way to prevent the enemy’s attack, and Beast’s science knowledge was far more useful to success than her gung-ho attitude. Now ready for some romance?

Okay, not romantic either. Agent Brand’s not really the mushy type.

That’s as close to sweeping Beast off his feet and smothering kisses on that furry face as Brand’ll get. And you know what? That’s good enough for Beast.

The couple does work. Agent Brand doesn’t have any hang ups about what other people think of her dating Beast, plus she finds him irresistibly attractive. And the sweet, sensitive Beast can add some of those emotions into her life that she so desperately need. I’m serious, they mesh well.