Superman saves New Years

You know how every Christmas, millions of people write letters to Santa?  The DC universe does the same thing on New Years with Superman.  Y’see, like Santa, with his superpowers to fly faster than the speed of light, he can visit billions of young boys and girls to give them all the iPads they asked for.  Or at least assist a dozen people in sticky situations.  So today in Action Comics #810, written by Joe Kelly and drawn by Pascual Ferry, Kano, Dave Bullock, Duncan Rouleau, & Renato Guedes, we’ll get to see one of Superman’s New Years and he’ll prove once again how much better than he is than us in every single gosh darned way.

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By the way, we all agree Joe Kelly’s a genius, right?  I’ve written about so many of his comics recently and I wish I knew about him sooner.  Also, I really, really hope he doesn’t mind (and DC for that matter) that I use a huge chunk of this issue.  I’ll go buy some comics to make up for it, I promise.  Anyway, using a stack of letters, he visits one place for each hour of New Years, since it’s technically a new year twenty four times throughout the world.  First up:

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I looked it up and the city of Ittoqqortoormiit actually exists.  Very rarely do they have an ambulance flown in, but at least we don’t have to see Superman rock some heat vision and tear the baby out. Because he could.  By the way DC, if you read this, the one-shot Superman: Obstetrician could move some serious copies.  Second letter:

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Yeah, top that, dudes proposing with a flash mob.  We all know Superman’s romance superpower. It’s an easy fit when you’re crazy ripped and can soar through the sky.  Plus, women feel protected when their man can take out an entire bar full of sleezy fellows with a simple exhale.  Coincidentally, the next hour he saves for his special lady:

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I wonder if Superman can get drunk?  He probably metabolizes alcohol at incredible speeds.  I doubt he drinks, and even if he does, the carbs can’t be good for his figure.  The Man of Steel can’t fight supervillains without Abs of Steel.

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Right?  How bad can life get if the closest thing the DC universe has to Jesus takes time out to give you a hug.  Some fantastic comics have been written about Superman talking down people from suicide.  I’m just saying Batman would batarang the poor guy into unconsciousness and swing away. Lesson of the day: Bruce Wayne makes a terrible therapist.

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When’s the last time you hung around with orphans?  He juggles a successful journalism career with full time membership in the Justice League and he still takes time out to wrestle disadvantaged kids. See that “S” on his chest?  That’s also the size of his heart. But let’s not forget the invincible god-man isn’t all smiles and kisses.

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Poor criminals don’t realize that if you aren’t a supervillain, you don’t get to escape from prison. That’s a few decades spent behind bars because you decided to antagonize a superhero.  Plus, new capes don’t grow on trees.  But with truth and justice already served, let’s concentrate on the American way:

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I mean, Superman does wear the colors of our flag.  And a yellow belt.  The other countries have their King Arthur and Gilgamesh and other folk heroes I haven’t been taught because of my American education.  Superman gets to be our folk hero, and folk heroes support our soldiers.  Off panel, you’d see a clapping Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan.  Finally, we reach the last letter:

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Italian doctors don’t beat around the bush with their patients.  I hope that when I die, my afterlife is filled with all the fictional characters I’d like to hang out with.  Like Superman, Harry Potter, and every character Scarlett Johansson played.  We wrap up today’s article with a message of hope and inspiration.  While we normal people can’t fly or punch through mountains, we should at least attempt to be more like Superman this year — morally.  Go play with some orphans.

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