The complete story of Bill and Kelda, Pt. 2Posted: 04/01/2014
Let’s not delay this love story, shall we? As we left off, Bill Cobb Jr. (human diner chef) joined his love Kelda Stormrider (Asgardian ice goddess) aboard the teleporting Asgard. Y’see Loki, in all his primal trickery, manipulated current Asgardian king Balder to exile Thor and bring all the gods and goddesses to Latveria. If you ever forget, Latveria is the tiny European country ruled by Doctor Doom’s iron fist. Also, a fine place for hopes and dreams and freedoms to die a brutal death. But can you argue the power of love? It makes men do strange things, like sending Bill into the midst of angry Asgardian politics when his only real brush with danger before this is getting too close to the grill. Still, you see what Kelda looks like — that’s a level of beauty only possible on a fictional scale.
We forget that despite Bill’s whole mortality and public school education, he does have a unique advantage his Asgardian roommates do not — perspective. This man has lived on Earth his whole life. He’s seen all the footage and Internet websites and Mr. Fantastic wrapping around his arch-nemesis like a rack of spinning shawarma. Doctor Doom’s only language consists of open threats, veiled threats, and backstabbing. But all these Asgardians? They don’t meddle in the affairs of the silly Midgard mortals, and Bill may be the only one in the entire city that realizes the approaching danger.
Yes, I imagine you can probably see where this is going. Bill’s a unbreakable pillar of moral integrity and bravery, but he’s also a young kid in a backwards baseball cap with zero kung fu experience.
Idioms tend not to have the same effect on foreigners. And while Bill alone stands absolutely no chance of winning a fight against three giant, muscular, eye patch-wearing warriors, he doesn’t fight this battle alone. Because sure, he can’t win, but his girlfriend can.
Are you sad that there’s less flirty banter than the first part? Don’t you worry, because a near-death experience prompts Bill and Kelda to lie in sensual anticipation with the three most romantic symbols of Asgardian culture: a bed, fine clothing, and heavy weaponry.
Kelda’s genuinely funny, a quality you don’t see from too many Asgardians. I mean it. Go back and read her jokes — they’re delightful. And yes, I bet that Bill’s mission could wait until morning, but that’s not how heroes work. Because despite not being super, Bill still possesses that trait all superheroes have that won’t let them do anything enjoyable or fun until only after every major gnawing feeling has been removed or dealt with. And sadly for Kelda, love has trouble rising from any pond drenched in the rotting aura of Doctor Doom. I’m saying that evil dude’s up to something.
With all the gods’ beauty and adventures and mead, it turns out that being thousands of years old can create some emotional disconnections. Of course, Bill has that passion and fiery spirit Kelda has been searching millenniums for — he’s one of our two protagonists, after all.
And this is where everything goes really, really bad. To simplify Doctor Doom and Loki’s plot, they capture and dissect Asgardians to use their organs as parts for god-weapons, immortality, and other mad scientist stuff. But the truth won’t come crashing down that easy. First, Bill has to fight.
Remember yesterday how I mentioned that not all Asgardians get cool lightning or ice powers? Poor Balder does inherit some minor superpowers, but this fight’ll have to rely on his sword and skill alone. Your sadness welling up deep in your heart aside, Bill’s sacrifice is not in vain — it’s time for the supervillains to be revealed.
As despairing as this is, it’s totally a risk Bill knew he’d have to face. He’s fighting gods while he’s wearing jeans, for goodness’ sake. And truthfully, Bill’s the perfect type of character we read comics for — the underdog unrelentingly pursuing justice against odds far beyond his own capability. At least his death will inspire others in a far more visceral manner than his life ever did. And of course, break Kelda’s heart.
Bill and Kelda’s love story is far from over — I have over thirty images left to show — but Bill’s demise does bring about two important life-altering realizations: Balder’s realization that Doctor Doom and Loki plan the destruction of the entire Asgardian people and, most importantly, no one murders Kelda Stormrider’s lover without feeling the full unimaginable force of an actual weather goddess.
Tomorrow, my friends. I can’t wait.