Wonder Woman’s Medusa rumble, Pt. 2

Picking up right where we left off, Wonder Woman’s pissed and ready to ruin Medusa for turning a young child to stone.  Now, many things incur Wonder Woman’s ire: injustice, suffering, pants.  But killing innocent youngsters?  Athena’s champion ain’t going to take that.

Look, a reasonable person might ask, why won’t Superman just rush in and throw Medusa into the sun? Well, Superman doesn’t kill, you jerk.  And also, petty squabbles between gods have pretty strict exclusion rules.

If you wish to judge the two opponents’ skill, Wonder Woman may possibly be the finest warrior in the DC universe, especially when you give her useful stuff like swords.  Medusa certainly doesn’t have a shot of winning this in a fair fight.  But we all know nothing’s fair about this fight.  Especially that one advantage where Medusa will be able to actually see her challenger.

Nothing beats formal trash talking.  I adore it.  Also, thanks to Circe’s magic, the brawl on the baseball diamond gets televised to the entire world.

So I can’t show you every panel of the fight.  I think that violates some fair use laws and the whole point of this blog is for you to buy more comics anyway.  But I’ll happily show you some highlights, because I care about you.

You know my favorite part about Wonder Woman’s taunting?  She doesn’t even know what damage she just inflicted on the gorgon.  She hears Medusa’s scream and then mocks her.  Batman would also that too.

If Medusa wins the fight, she plans to be Poseidon’s pawn and turn enormous amounts of people to stone.  That’s just what mean people do.  To be fair to Medusa, I would also lose the majority of my mercy and good-natured attitude if I was turned into a hideous monster because Poseidon decided to crash into my bedroom and, uh, suspend my license.  I’m not really good at analogies.

Do you enjoy mythical beasts getting pummeled by beautiful, strong-willed role models?

Now the moment of triumph still eludes our hero.  Not just because Medusa can take a punch.  Y’see, when you fight blindfolded, your offense may still be pretty solid, but the defense tends to suffer.  I’m not a scientist or anything, but I imagine seeing attacks usually helps dodging them.

I don’t know if you noticed, but sometimes when Medusa speaks, her dialogue bubble turns purple. Along with snake-hair, stone vision, and awesome wings, Medusa also has a magical power that compels people to stare at her against their will.  With no more blindfold, Wonder Woman has to take drastic measures to prevent that magic from doing her in.  And I do mean drastic.

C’mon, you just witness comic book heroism at its greatest.  Wonder Woman, realizing that she couldn’t last any longer against Medusa’s spell, sacrifices her eyesight permanently to defeat the monster and save the world from total petrification.  Well, at least she gets a super cool victory moment:

The gods, unwilling or unable to fight their own battles, have crippled the greatest of their mortal soldiers in their silly arguments.  Such is fate.  Such is the cost of dealing with gods.

Terribly sad conclusion, but I do make a promise: everything bad you’ve just witnessed in this arc ends happily.  Eventually.  It takes another good dozen issues or so, but the resolution is joyful and satisfactory.  And that’s good, because I’m a big fan of happy endings.

Batgirl’s death duel against Lady Shiva

What makes a good comic book assassin?  Raised from birth by a killer sociopath and deprived of speech and human contact, trained to read body language and intentions instead?  Well, that’s a good start.  Also the origin story of Cassandra Cain, the third Batgirl.  Why should you care about her?  Cassandra became the first Batgirl to get her own solo series and is also one of the most beloved Asian superheroes in the DC universe.  C’mon, those are big deals.

The opening arc of her series decided that having a mute lead might hurt story potential, so her brain was rewritten telepathically to gain the ability to speak.  Unfortunately, that also messed up her ability to read opponents’ body language, losing all those defense skills such as avoiding punches and dodging bullets.  Our story takes place in select scenes from Batgirl #7-9, 23, 25, written by Kelley Puckett and drawn by Damion Scott.

With her martial arts now terrible, Batman tries his normal method to get Batgirl’s special ability back.

Wait, that’s not his normal method.

There we go, that’s the Batman training course.  Have a grown man punch a seventeen year-old girl in the face repeatedly.  Dojos better not try to steal that idea.

Cassandra has a serious problem.  It’s like you waking up one day and you’re suddenly illiterate (which Batgirl also is).  Luckily, she has the Dark Knight backing her up, inspiring her with realistic and disheartening facts about her recovery.

Since making a deal with the devil seems to be the theme for this week, I’d hate to disappoint. Oracle, the first Batgirl and now paralyzed information and technology whiz, casually goes through Batman’s rogue gallery in a flashback.

Meet Lady Shiva.  The world’s greatest martial artist.  Not an exaggeration.  As in Batman’s never defeated her, probably because Lady Shiva isn’t seventeen year-old girl.  But this gives Batgirl an idea.

Okay, so I skipped their first fight and this isn’t the first time they’ve met.  You can read it in Batgirl #8.  Spoiler alert: Cassandra gets her butt handed to her.

Awesome plot idea, right?  Lady Shiva can’t be beaten, and a death duel happens to totally be just that. So she either gets back all her previous skills for a single year, or she’ll be decent within the decade.  As you’ve figured, she totally takes the deal, because I wouldn’t have titled the article as I did if she hadn’t.

Of course, she tries to keep this deal secret, but Oracle knows everything.  That’s kinda Oracle’s thing.  But I do want to build suspense, so let’s read Batman and Oracle’s conversation about this whole problem.

Batman’s theory hinges on Batgirl sacrificing herself as punishment for killing a man when she was eight.  Oracle refuses, mainly because she looks at Cassandra not just as her successor, but as a daughter.  Luckily, Batman doesn’t deal with such stuff like emotional attachments.

Here we go!  The death duel!  A half dozen pages of kung fu I’m not going to show you!  But trust me, the fight goes pretty much as you expect.

Batman may be many things, but a liar isn’t one of them.  Batgirl’s dead.  The end.  I mean, not really, because that would be a super terrible way to end the series.  Though, she did die.

How did Lady Shiva revive Cassandra?  I don’t know; it’s not really touched upon.  What matters is that she did, and for some reason Lady Shiva dressed the young lady in her Batgirl costume.  But why did she revive Cassandra?  That I can answer.

Please understand, Lady Shiva and Batgirl are not friends.  Actually, Lady Shiva may or may not be Batgirl’s mother, but that’s a story for another time and 50 issues later.  So why the inquisitive nature from our unbeatable supervillain?  Duh, jealousy.

You like kung fu fights?  Another half dozen pages I’m not going to show, unfortunately.

Oh, the true intention for resurrecting Batgirl?

Victory!  For the praise and congratulations that follow beating the world’s finest martial artist, you’ll have to read the next couple issues yourself.  A few years after this, Cassandra hands over the Batgirl mantle to Stephanie Brown (her sorta sidekick during the series) and heads to Hong Kong as part of Batman Incorporated.  She hasn’t shown up since DC rebooted their universe, but it’s only a matter of time.  I really, really hope.

The worst day of Flash’s life

You know who’s cool?  The Flash.  Most of them anyway.  Y’see, the Speed Force, which gives our hero his powers, tends to be very generous with its recipients.  There must be a good dozen or so speedsters.  And by the way, great!  It’s an awesome power.  But the most well-known and well-liked are Barry Allen and Wally West, the latter being our focus for today.

Originally Kid Flash to Barry’s Flash, Wally served as an adorable sidekick for over 25 years.  But in 1985, when Barry gave his life to save the universe, Wally took over the Flash mantle and served as the superhero until 2008, when Barry came back from the dead.

Now, Barry’s life had been defined by tragedy.  His arch-nemesis Professor Zoom murdered his first wife, and caused his second wife to go mad.  He even had to flee into the future for quite a while after a bogus murder charge.  But Wally?  Not so much.  He’s won the lottery, became a playboy, and happily married a beautiful delightful woman.  Plus, his identity is common knowledge and he’s a celebrated, beloved hero in Keystone City.

Well, unluckily for Wally, his long time buddy aims to fix that in Flash #197-200, written by Geoff Johns and drawn by Scott Kolins.

Hunter Zolomon, the new Zoom, has had a majorly tragic life.  His father turned out to be a serial killer who murdered his mother when she called the cops on him.  Hunter eventually get a job as the FBI, working alongside his wife and father-in-law.  After one bad call, Hunter became responsible for getting his father-in-law killed and his wife’s subsequently divorce.  Finally settling into a boring desk job in Keystone City, the supervillain Gorilla Grodd attacked and paralyzed Hunter from the waist down. Lots of horrible stuff going on.

But the Zoom costume/powers?  He asked his buddy Flash to use the cosmic treadmill in the Flash Museum (yeah, Wally has a good life) to go back in time and stop him from becoming handicapped. Flash refuses and Hunter tries the treadmill by himself.  Of course, it explodes and thus he gains all these cool speed powers.  Oh, and a seething hatred for his former friend.

Back to Wally, everything’s looking up!  Good news ahead!

Exciting, right?  Too bad that can’t last.

Being the town’s local superheroes, Flash and older Flash (Jay Garrick) go to investigate.

With that, Zoom bolts to make Flash’s life horribly terrible.  Get ready kids, things are about to become really dark.

Here’s our first Flash/Zoom fight!

Round 1

Okay, so this went badly for our hero.  Zoom humiliated Flash and sonic boomed his pregnant wife. But you know enough about comics by now, the hero never wins the first bout.  Makes the villain more terrifying.

While in the hospital, worried about the condition of Wally’s wife, the Flashes get interrupted.  That’s right, Zoom doesn’t even wait till Wally’s out of the waiting room.  Impatience makes for a great quality when establishing oneself as a superhero’s new arch-nemesis.

Round 2

Oh, and to rub salt in Wally’s gaping, bloody wounds, Zoom goes ahead and reveals his betrayal.

Look, hard to deny that a superhero’s past and moral responsibilities aren’t defined by the previous tragedy in their lives.  With Flash’s fellow Justice League members alone: Batman saw his parents killed in front of him, Superman’s home planet exploded and killed his entire race of people, Martian Manhunter witness the death of his family and now lives as the sole Martian survivor, Aquaman’s wife Mera went insane and vengeful after the death of the couple’s son, Wonder Woman has been exiled from her home island more times than we can count, and Green Lantern actually became possessed by evil and slaughtered all 7000ish members of the Green Lantern Corps.  Bad times.

Flash is about to have his tragic story created.  Buckle in.

You can bet that Zoom’s butt will be kicked by Flash.  But you’ve seen the panels above, how’s he supposed to win against this guy who’s faster, stronger, and seemingly unable to be affected by Flash’s Speed Force abilities?  Two reasons.  First, Zoom’s insane:

And the second reason: science!

Let’s not delay.

Round 3

Unfortunately for Zoom, all those past visions he’s causing with his powers are getting worse.  Add that to his tragic life story, and odds favor sad over the happy flashbacks.

Thus begins a fight only Flash-esque superhumans can have.  The delightful foot race/brawl combo.

If you haven’t figured out the ending to our story yet, it ain’t happy.  Just because our comic book characters have wacky powers and wear bright colorful costumes, doesn’t mean they don’t have the same trauma and breakdowns as other fictional characters.  And trust me, for a story that takes place all within 24 hours, no way it can end with flowers and smiles.

I can’t promise tomorrow will be any happier, but I do promise it can’t be worse than this.

Deathstroke fights the entire JLA

Avoid fighting Deathstroke the Terminator.  Sure, he’s the arch-nemesis of the Teen Titans, best known as the team of teenage sidekicks.  Also, he’s older than all the Teen Titans put together.  But still, he’s cool.  Master assassin, enhanced physical attributes, 90% brainpower!  And more importantly, whenever someone asks about the toughness of Deathstroke, fans always bring up that one time he took on the entire Justice League at once.  Luckily, we’re going to be reading that today.

Premiering in 1980, Deathstroke (real name Slade Wilson) learned his killing skills in Vietnam. Judging from his gorgeous head of white hair, that bit of his history still holds true today making him close to 70 years old.  To be fair, with that little army experiment he undertook (superstrength gets handed out like cheap candy in the comic universe), his age remains unimportant.  Oh, and his wife shot him in the eye.  It happens with assassin spouses.  You’ve seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

We pick up in Identity Crisis #3, written by Brad Meltzer and drawn by Rags Morales.  The supervillain and current amnesiac Dr. Light, with a genius intelligence and I guess, powers to control light and stuff, is wanted for murder.  Did he commit it?  Not important.  On the run, he hires Deathstroke to protect him.

Okay, let’s quickly go over Deathstroke’s opponents.  You know the Flash (superspeed) and Green Lantern (power ring) already.  Black Canary, the blonde in fishnet stockings, can create an ultrasonic blast by screaming.  Zatanna, the other lady in fishnets, can cast magic spells by reciting them backwards.  Hawkman, who you can probably pick out on your own, has a magical mace.  Oh, and the flying thing.  The Atom, who you can kinda see on Black Canary’s shoulder, gets to shrink himself while maintaining his normal physical strength.  Sneak punches and stuff.  Green Arrow, the Robin Hood-esque dude with wacky facial hair, never misses with his bow and arrows.  Essentially, Hawkeye from The Avengers movie.  Also, he’s our narrator for this story, hence why all the text boxes are green.  There you go, all caught up.

I think Batman, Superman, Martian Manhunter, and the others you know are out having a drink or playing darts or something.  I don’t know.  Anyway, keep in mind that this ain’t a tag team fight. Nope, Deathstroke has to fight them all at once.  The way a master assassin should.

Okay, one down, six to go.

You see the problem with battle armor consisting of half a tuxedo?  Bowties are great for charity balls, but absolutely awful for protecting oneself from old-timey mercenaries.

If Batman wore an ammo belt, carried around a broadsword, and killed superheroes, you’d have Deathstroke.  Though, I hate to bring up uniforms again, but at least the half-tuxedo covered Zatanna’s torso.  Hawkman ain’t even wearing a shirt.  Three down, four to go.

Five down, two to go.  Not bad for six pages into the issue.  Remember who’s left?  Deathstroke certainly does.

I understand the whole shrinking superhero usefulness when say, compared to Superman.  But when The Atom can become microscopic, run inside someone’s ear canal and punch his or her brain with the exact same impact as if he were full size, The Atom certainly has his uses.  Unfortunately, being tiny also brings with it all those obvious weaknesses.  Like this:

If you’re complaining that none of JLA’s heavy hitters fight in this rumble, you’re forgetting the space cop.  Y’know, Green Lantern, who can create anything simply by wanting it.  The same member of the Green Lantern Corps who can change the entire course of wars just by showing up on an alien planet. The most famous police force in the galaxy, roughing up bad guys for over three billion years.

In my personal opinion, which has about as much credibility as any other yahoo on the Internet, it doesn’t fare well for Deathstroke’s little bet.  Pretty sure that since the Green Lantern rings choose their hosts, it ain’t going to work for Old Man Vietnam’s hostile takeover.  Though I guess that’s up to the writer.  Either way, doesn’t really matter.

As you can imagine, the fight takes a drastic turn in favor of the good guys.  Because if Deathstroke kills the half the Justice League, the mood of the DC universe would shift dramatically.  Plus, readers would have to plop down a small fortune for all the resurrection events a few months later.  Y’see, since Deathstroke’s whole plan relied on expert timing and crowd control, deviation to smush Green Arrow’s face gives a chance for the other six good guys to recover.

As we wrap up our article in a few images, we’d be remiss to forget about Dr. Light, hanging out in the corner.  Magical amnesia can sometimes make supervillains batty.  Especially when that triggers PTSD flashbacks.

With that, our villains flee and the fight ends.  Super cool battle, right?  You can go read the Identity Crisis event for what happens next.  Like daddy Superman flying in to fold his arms and shake his head in disappointment.