Green Lantern and the Fatality problem

It all started in 1988’s Cosmic Odyssey.  Green Lantern John Stewart, in a moment of weakness, chose ego over help and doomed the planet Xanshi to destruction.  It’s a long story and I’m sure we’ll cover it soon.  But one sole survivor still traveled the stars — Yrra Cynril, now known as the warrior named Fatality.  And when you name yourself Fatality, you’ve pretty much resigned yourself to supervillainy.  Now she travels around and slaughters Green Lantern.  That’s her entire life plan.  While it’s totally Stewart she should be hunting down, she’s fought Kyle Rayner far more.  Here’s one of those times (and my favorite battle between the two) in Green Lantern #177-178, written by Ron Marz and drawn by Luke Ross.

After a really bad day for Rayner, where he loses both his girlfriend and apartment, he must have realized what was about to happen next — every bad day for superheroes must contain a certain quota of bloodshed.

This is their fourth or fifth fight which Rayner has won every time, including two separate fights she loses one of her arms and replaces it with a robot version.  I guess like if you hit a tree with an axe enough times, it’ll eventually fall over.  Fight Rayner enough times and hopefully you’ll win one. Maybe get robot legs too.

I always admire the arrogance of supervillains.  They never win.  Not once.  Yet every time they meet their respective superhero, the man or woman or alien who has defeated them in the dozens of encounters they’ve faced over the years, they still feel like they should gloat and talk trash.  In a way, I’m jealous of that wildly high level of (albeit fictional) self-esteem/delusion.

Poison.  If a battleaxe won’t work, try a subtler method.  Or maybe a battleaxe made of poison.  This is probably why I’m not asked to write comics.

Willpower’s a tricky concept, it being an abstract concept and all.  Sure, a bad guy could null Green Lantern’s willpower, but that’s the same idea as Scarecrow’s fear gas.  Anything that doesn’t have a numerical value can be changed or manipulated back to normal at any time.  All it takes is a writer to have his or her character announce, “I’ve overcome these feelings!” and we buy it because we don’t have a choice.  Anyway, Rayner gets smacked around a bit more.

Have you noticed Rayner’s constructs lean on the cartoon-ish side?  Former artist turned space cop cliché.  Oh, let’s talk a bit about Fatality.  Soon, she joins the Star Sapphires, the New Guardians, and totally began a real relationship with Stewart — the Green Lantern who genocided her people.  If I’ve gotten messages from match.com girls who won’t date me because I’m Jewish, how the hell does she get over her boyfriend killing all of her people?  Sure, it was an accident and we’ve forgiven him for it, but for me, I’d find it’d hard to look past his faults and develop any romantic feelings for, say, someone like Hitler.  Like full-on making out in public with the Führer — it would never happen and his mustache would tickle.  Look, I get the symbolism of their coupling and I’m totally willing to suspend disbelief, but we all agree it’s a bit weird, right?

Victory once more goes to Rayner, as it always will.  Truthfully, I picked this article mainly because of the giant cartoon throwing an airplane at Fatality.  I made a good choice.

Hal Jordan vs. Guy Gardner: first blood

My wonderful friend furyoffirestorm78 mentioned another fight between the two in the comments of Wednesday’s article.  So I went to check it out and — holy crap — it’s amazing.  Together we’re going to read this crazy, way higher stakes, way more action-packed brawl from Green Lantern #25, written by Gerard Jones and drawn by Tim Hamilton, Joe Staton, & M.D. Bright.

We go back to 1992.  Hal Jordan spends a while in space recruiting for the Green Lantern Corps, which I assume means hanging out with a sign up sheet outside alien grocery stores or whatever. Guy Gardner, totally rocking his bowl cut, protects Earth and the surrounding sector in his place.  Y’know, until Jordan finishes his mission and goes back to claim what’s rightfully his.  You read the title of this article — it doesn’t go well.

Notice the gray streaks in Jordan’s hair?  Originally, it represented his actual aging in the DC universe. He wasn’t a young man anymore, and comics like to show that with a single gray streak above the ear.  Later, Geoff Johns retconned it as the cosmic being Parallax’s influence, but this time Jordan’ll be facing a younger, stronger, and faster opponent (which he actually says later in the issue). Commence round one, where the two fight using their imaginations.

I know Gardner’s wildly irritating this issue.  He’s mellowed out slightly and eased coolly into his likability in the modern comic age, but for the sake of this issue, he’s the bad guy.  So much so that all the other superheroes and Green Lanterns who show up to watch the fight cheer openly and unashamedly for Jordan to win.  In Gardner’s face.

Round two: fist fight.  Check out the celebrity spectators watching their battle.  Even Superman has shown up (in panels I’ve skipped).  But because of apparent tradition — Green Lanterns punch each into unconsciousness to determine who keeps their jewelry — no one’ll dare intervene.  Plus, Gardner holds a serious advantage when it comes to normal dude fighting.  Sometimes.

You know that famous one punch story, right?  Gardner challenged Batman’s leadership of the Justice League International by provoking and belittling Batman, so the Dark Knight knocked him out in a single punch.  Even the bowl cut can’t contain Gardner’s ego, especially when he has to relive that embarrassing moment.  That and Gardner’s strength seems to go mother’s-child-trapped-under-a-minivan strong when he reaches a certain rage level.  Oh, if you want to know just how long this fight goes on for, I’m skipping four pages between the first and second pages shown below:

You see that look on Jordan’s face.  That’s the half-smile and raised eyebrow of a champion.  It’s too bad Gardner doesn’t know MMA, or else he would just straddle Jordan like a perverted merry-go-round and bash him in the ears until the pity gets overwhelming.  But instead, he figures he’ll play the numbers game on his former partner.  He loses the bet.  Sleep tight, Guy Gardner.

I do feel bad for Gardner, despite his obvious personality faults.  Jordan arrives at Gardner’s dingy apartment, tells him that he’s out of a job, and bids him adieu.  And to make this whole ordeal even more humiliating for poor Gardner?  Besides him teaming up with Lobo in issues after this?

Within a year, Jordan’s hometown of Coast City explodes causing the Green Lantern to go full supervillain, get possessed by Parallax, and wipe out the entire Green Lantern Corps.  So, Gardner kind of has the last laugh.  Though after this depressing defeat, it’s probably more of a subdued chuckle.

Hal Jordan vs. Guy Gardner

While Batman and Superman beat up local supervillains, the past decade of Green Lantern comics amp’d up the stakes considerably higher than a building explosion or lost hostage.  Wars raged non-stop between the few thousand Green Lanterns and planetary-sized armies, the other rainbow spectrums of Lanterns, their own leadership, and practically everyone else in the universe with a weapon and a temper.  I’m saying if you ever wanted to see a lizard-esque Green Lantern blown in half by a space laser, any random issue from 2004 on should do.

Today, there’s more war brewing in Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #8, written by Peter J. Tomasi and drawn by Fernando Pasarin.  While the darling genius of DC, Geoff Johns (who deserves every ounce of praise) receives most of the credit for the Green Lantern surge, Tomasi’s contributions shouldn’t be minimized.  His stuff remained on par, if not sometimes better, than Johns’ main series. Like this we’re about to read:

So I’m skipping enormous amounts of back story.  Sorry.  I’ve discussed Jordan before (the most famous one), but let’s quickly talk about Gardner, the third Green Lantern after Alan Scott and Jordan. Y’see, when the dying Green Lantern Abin Sur crashed on Earth, two candidates were chosen as his successor: Jordan and Gardner.  Unfortunately, the ring chooses its wearer by proximity, and Jordan happened to be closer to Abin Sur that day.  Our red-headed protagonist grabs a spare ring soon enough and over the years, Gardner’s persona has developed into one lush of machismo.  He’s a dude’s dude.  He runs a bar on the planet Oa.  He probably has back hair.  And now he’s going to punch Jordan in the face.

The fight ends quickly; I only have five pages left.  But for the fans wondering which Green Lantern’s the strongest, keep your expectations low.  Spoiler alert: it’ll end in a tie — all superhero versus superhero battles tend to end without the scales tilting one way or the other.  Still awesome to read.

Oh, the baggage for these two is definitely not carry-on sized.  Jordan became a supervillain, possessed by Parallax, and destroyed the entire Green Lantern Corps.  Gardner’s insane anger issues caused him to switch teams to the Red Lanterns and make all sorts of secret deals with other Lantern-wielding monsters.  But most egregiously, Gardner wore a bowl cut for decades.  He didn’t even keep a mask to hide his identity from that haircut.  As for the second picture below, it’ll get larger if you click it.

Only superheroes can kick each other in the face to the point of major head trauma and team up a minute later.  As we end, I want you to remember the moral of this story: Kyle Rayner could have taken them both.

Batman: the Dark Knight gladiator

The Batman event No Man’s Land continues to be a treasure trove of awesome stories to pull from.  If you’re unfamiliar, Gotham City suffers a catastrophic earthquake, leveling the city and turning the controlled chaos into absolute chaos.  It’s about as close to a canon post-apocalyptic Batman as we’ll get — and the best part?  The whole thing lasts for around a hundred issues spread throughout a half dozen titles.  Today, as the Gotham City supervillains carve up their own territories with their own colors and rules and murders, the Penguin puts forth a more intelligent scheme.  Y’know, cashing in on people’s misery by making them compete in death fights for the entertainment of the betting masses.  The normal stuff.  Enjoy a moment from Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #117 and Batman: Shadow of the Bat #85, both written by Ian Edginton and drawn by D’Israeli.

The Penguin figures with no electricity or entertainment flooding the city, he can rake in all the leftover supplies by creating his own betting palace.  I’m not saying the Gotham masses enjoy seeing reluctant civilians get horrifically torn apart by shirtless bodybuilders, but it is something to do when the TV doesn’t work.  Unfortunately for the Penguin’s pocketbooks, one man only came to poop on the party.

Y’see, Batman disappeared during the first half of No Man’s Land.  Bruce Wayne flew to Washington DC to beg for aid for his city, and it all ended with wasted time and not one punched supervillain. Luckily, he’s back in costume and loaded with plenty of jump kicks for those who deserve it.  Plus, don’t forget all the jump kicks he has to make up with his time gone.  To unify the city once more, Batman decides to rule over it by fear — the fear people get when they commit a crime and receive a batarang in their face.

The Penguin doesn’t always get the supervillain credit he deserves.  It’s not hard to see why — the guy can’t fight, he’s physically un-intimidating, no one’s scared of him, his greatest asset is a nightclub, and he named himself after an adorable bird.  But let’s not forget: wealth buys a crapload of henchmen.

Psh, like he’s really that obligated about this.  Batman lives to beat bad guys unconscious and now he has a whole gallery of them to fight one-by-one while thousands of people watch Batman break each bone and rupture each kidney.  The audience certainly won’t be turning to crime once they see Batman singlehandedly destroy three dozen trained warriors.

Finally, the Penguin realizes the error of his ways.  Not morally, of course.  When someone runs a betting scheme, the fights have to be close enough that people betting make mistakes and lose money.  The Penguin learns this the hard way:

To save his fortune, the Penguin decides to intervene the only way he knows: insincerely.

In a way, Gotham supervillains should be lucky that Batman’s their local superhero.  I mean, he’ll put them in the hospital and cave in their faces and cripple their limbs, but as dawn rises, he’ll make sure all the bad guys are still alive (some breathing through tubes) and protected.  Black and white justice is far safer than that gooey gray area.  So just how Batman puts the Penguin out of business, he’ll also make sure the Penguin doesn’t get hit with pipes and crowbars.  Batman’s a nice guy, but let’s never forget that despite his superhero-ness, the dude’s undeniably frustratingly scary.

Step one to ruling Gotham City: beat up a dozen bad guys in front of the whole city.  Step two: secure a reliable information pipeline.  Step three?  I think it’s beating up more bad guys.

Steel vs. Lex Luthor

As we end our week of fights and hope that the gooey romance aura of Bill and Kelda has fully washed off (though we’ll be covering Amadeus Cho and Delphyne Gorgon’s love story next week), rejoice in a new milestone for this blog: both our combatants today are bald.  You should probably sit down and stop clutching your heart in excitement.

You know Lex Luthor already.  He’s the egotistical billionaire who may be the most influential and important supervillain in the DC universe.  His megalomania and insatiable greed aside, I admire a man who’s battle outfit’s a well-tailored suit.  But it’s okay if you’re not familiar with the superhero Steel.  Let him introduce himself from Steel #1, written by Joe Bogdanove & Louise Simonson and drawn by Chris Batista:

Steel (John Henry Irons) premiered in 1993 following the death of Superman.  Please take a moment and soak in those cartoonishly large ’90s muscles.  Anyway, four Superman replacements showed up in Metropolis, Steel being one of them.  He has no superpowers, just a genius technical mind and a metal suit of armor.  He’s Iron Man with a hammer.  Also, Shaquille O’Neal played him in a movie.

So we cut to 52 #40, with all the credits given in the first page I’ll show you below.  I loved the idea of 52.  Following the DC event Infinite Crisis, the big three (Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman) took a year off from fighting crime.  Unfortunately, supervillains still enacted their dastardly schemes and 52 covered what happened during that year.  Like Black Adam fighting every single superhero in the known DC universe.  At once.  By himself.  But in our issue today, Luthor has kidnapped Steel’s niece.  Rescue time.

Steel brings the Teen Titans with him.  Luthor and Steel have been antagonizing each other the whole series, by the way.  Our bald bad guy discovered technology that gave normal dudes superpowers and then caused a whole bunch of death and destruction, so our bald good guy has been punching him every ten issues or so.  Now it’s time for the finale.

In a fight that can only happen in comic books, Steel’s about to lose his armor.  I think it’d be better if you saw it than if I explained it.

James Bond doesn’t fight shapeshifting giant crabs.  That’s a superhero thing.  Most importantly, in a world filled with spandex and unnecessary cleavage, it’s wildly refreshing to see Steel wearing jeans under his armor.  And though he possesses no superpowers except some justified rage and a sledgehammer, that should be more than enough to take down Luthor, right?  It’s not as if Luthor’s a Muay Thai champion or can pop out adamantium claws.

I know that Luthor’s immune to sledgehammers, but Steel didn’t realize Luthor’s durability was that high when he attacked.  Which means that if everything went according to plan, Steel’s best case scenario is Luthor’s head popping like a watermelon at a Gallagher show followed by Steel and his niece walking triumphantly out of the building with Luthor’s organs around their necks as a disgusting gold medal.  Or maybe he figured Luthor’s laser eyes meant full-strength hammer strikes would just bruise or something.  Either way, let Steel’s very Superman-esque words ring forth:

Keep in mind Luthor did outright murder dozens of people he gave the Everyman superpower serum by having them fly in the sky and then suddenly turning off their superpowers.  Luthor’s bad karma has reached astronomic levels, and Steel, even with fecal matter leaking into his small intestine, is the only chance of cashing in those karmic chips.  I mean, not immediately, because Luthor’s currently invincible.

We’re all friends, so I can admit that my research failed to mention how he lost his hand.  For Steel at least, it’s a solid conversation topic for Aquaman and him if they bump into each other at the JLA Watchtower.

Luthor’s ego’ll always bring about his own self-inflicted fall, even if Natasha Irons wasn’t a scientific super genius like her uncle.  Because though Steel can’t win against a superpowered Luthor, he can totally wipe the floor with a normal Luthor.  Lex really should have learned Muay Thai.

Next week: more minor characters fall in love/fight monsters.

Livewire attempts crime

Harley Quinn didn’t emerge onto the comic book scene alone.  A bunch of other less popular, non-solo series starring supervillains joined her in the print medium.  It isn’t as great for them as you sound — Superman and his buddies tend to be far more powerful when you read them.  Leslie Willis (now the supervillain Livewire) finds this out the hard way, than finds it out three more times with other superheroes.  I know supervillains are destined to fail, but this poor girl suffers embarrassing losses. Y’see, much like the Wicked Witch of the West, our electric-themed baddie possesses a debilitating weakness to water — which as you know is like 70% of the planet.  And thus, her crime sprees remain short-lived.  Very short-lived.

Livewire vs. Batgirl
Batgirl #4, written by Bryan Q. Miller and drawn by Tim Levins & Lee Garbett

But that’s not totally fair to Livewire.  The Bat-people always over-prepare.  That’s the number one trait that keeps normal humans with zero superpowers alive when facing supervillains who can fry cars and zap batarangs.  Worse, there’s nothing subtle about screaming demands and basically lighting an electric flare gun into the sky for all vigilantes to see.  Mystique often gets away because she can sneak out as a security guard or whatever — Livewire’s escape plans involve staying away from sprinklers and praying for an alien invasion to distract the Justice League.  So what about those opponents who don’t have suits packed full of rubber?

Livewire vs. Supergirl
Supergirl #30, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by Ron Randall

Look, Livewire has the same problem as Captain Planet.  The dude fights pollution but that’s his weakness as well.  He can explode garbage barges but he passes out when a banana peel flies out and hits him in the chest.  Livewire thrives around technology that she can exploit, but technology also includes sewer systems, pipe lines, faucets, squirt guns, etc.  And while I don’t know what creatures of pure energy smell like, she can’t smell terrific without being able to clean herself.  Still, I should give her some due — she totally gave Superman some trouble back when she first premiered.  Some trouble, as in just a little.

Livewire vs. Superman
Action Comics #835, written by Gail Simone and drawn by John Byrne

This one’ll probably need some back story.  Livewire’s half-brother kidnapped Lois Lane, knowing full well that Superman shows up to save her every single time.  The same Superman that can bench press the moon.

Notice that even when you smack Superman with enough electricity to power a small village, he still takes the time to address you politely.  The bootastic Livewire knows full well what Superman can do, but supervillains always have to find out the hard way.

When even children aren’t scared of Livewire, what chance does she have against the Man of Steel? But the best part of this fight?  Besides Lois Lane’s upcoming pun?  Superman wins using that wonderful brain of his, like Batman does when his hands get sore from all the punching.

Gail Simone writes the best dialogue in comics.  I miss Superman and Lois Lane as a couple, though Wonder Woman does have the same wild abandonment of fear combined with a delightful sense of humor that we enjoy in our superheroes/supporting cast.  Plus, swords and lassos and invisible planes and stuff.

But I still may be treating Livewire unfairly.  So she can’t go up against the A-listers — very few supervillains can.  How about a challenge more on her level?  Someone she can battle that’ll gives her a chance at actually winning?

Livewire vs. Jimmy Olsen
Superman #711, written by J. Michael Straczynski & Chris Roberson and drawn by Eddy Barrows

Never mind.

Sportsmaster’s reign of terror

While I read old comics that Sportsmaster (real name Lawrence “Crusher” Crock) appeared in, I came across one that deserved its own article.  A comic from 1965 that’s silly, goofy, and loaded with horrific never-ending sports puns.  Today, enjoy select scenes from The Brave and the Bold #62, written by Gardner Fox and drawn by Murphy Anderson — an issue that wanted to be serious, action-packed, and loaded with horrific never-ending sports puns.  If we can forgive superheroes for wearing underwear on the outside of their clothes, let’s also give puns a pass.

I know that if I wrote an article cataloging every time Batman and Catwoman made out instead of covering a fifty year-old comic starring a supervillain with only twenty appearances under his belt, I’d receive thirty times the hits this one’ll get.  I regret nothing.  I have a soft spot for the weirdos.

Let’s take a look at our cover today.  Behold a small preview chunk of this delightful cake:

Sportsmaster flying on a single ski as he chucks the other one at Starman?  Promiscuous Lady Tarzan swing-kicking into Black Canary?  A special super-star comeback for Wildcat?  How can anyone be more excited?  Starman (real name Ted Knight) premiered in 1941, two years after Batman and nine months before Wonder Woman.  Using his cosmic rod, Starman operates exactly like Green Lantern except without that pesky wood weakness.

To fully understand the criminal undertones Sportsmaster possesses, feast your eyes on his opening heist.  While he may not turn thievery into an art form, he can at least do the opposite.

Take a moment.  Breathe in and out.  Let’s count the insanity we all just witnessed:
1) Sportsmaster dresses like a fisherman when using his fishing rod.
2) He wears his actual supervillain costume underneath the plaid and vest.
3) He does the above after hiding for hours inside a statue.
4) He escapes on rocket skis.
5) After all that, Sportsmaster only planned to steal a trophy.
6) Old mustard is not sport slang for “fighting spirit.”  I checked.

Thankfully, to stop Sportsmaster from stealing twenty bucks worth of metal, Starman and Black Canary volunteer to battle our dangerous antagonists.  But first this happens:

Sportsmaster’ll totally protect and his partner-in-crime-and-marriage Huntress.  No morals doesn’t mean no heart.  Commence round one.  Game on.  En guarde.  Touchdown.

You’re about to witness one of Black Canary’s most humiliating moments.  That includes dating Green Arrow for decades.

That’s no way for a superhero to bonk their head on a tree.  Her feet flail high in the air as she slams her skull much in the style of an unconscious skydiver.  The two supervillain masterminds escape to rob another day.  Will their next plot be as dastardly as the first one?  Will truth, justice, and the American way prevail against such evil?  Will Sportsmaster wear an appropriately themed outfit?

If you don’t fully follow the newest scheme, Sportsmaster and Huntress plan to steal $100,000 by knocking out every single golfer in the tournament with a ball to the noggin.  While riding a magic putting green.  Sometimes I think I missed out on something enchanting back in the ’60s.  Especially the potential of sky battle golf.

Finally our superheroes give these baddies the beatings they deserve:

A happy ending!  Thankfully the trophy returned to its owner, saving an intern from making a single awkward phone call.  But before we finish our journey, I’d be remiss for us not to read Wildcat’s story within this issue.  After all, his name and face appear on the cover promising his special super-star comeback:

Never mind.