Captain America punches faces, Pt. 2

It’s Captain America day!  That guy’s the best.

I went a little into Captain America’s history (real name Steve Rogers) in a previous post, so I’ll get you caught up to the point where our story begins.  As you may know, Captain America was killed by a sniper bullet as the Marvel Civil War wrapped up.  Very sad.  His former WWII sidekick, former Russian brainwashed assassin, and former rogue super spy Bucky Barnes took over the title and costume.  Because comics are comics, Rogers came back to life a few years later, and two Captain Americas aren’t really necessary.  Bucky gets to keep the role and the shield while Rogers becomes the head of the government agency S.H.I.E.L.D. – basically the new Nick Fury.

For years, the Captain America comics, written beautifully by Ed Brubaker, aimed more towards cool espionage missions.  Captain America isn’t backhanding dinosaurs.  More of James Bond if he fought terrorists.  And the miniseries Steve Rogers: Super Soldier, also written by Brubaker, is no different.

Okay, maybe more James Bond than previously thought.  But what kind of comic would it be if plans didn’t go badly?

Yes, they’re giant brutes of men.  But Rogers also ranks a zero on the wussy scale.  He can run a mile in a minute, bench press half a ton, fought in every major battle of WWII, and is regarded as the best hand-to-hand fighter on the planet.  Can the super soldier take on three ex-pro wrestlers?  Yes, of course he can.  He’s Captain America.

That super soldier serum, the only one of its kind in the world, flows through Rogers’ blood.  He’s the absolute peak of human potential.  Captain America has taken down Spider-Man in ten seconds and once defeated Iron Man with his bare fists.  The guy’s a super soldier, not one or the other.  Both are equally important.

But so what?  Sure, it’s pretty cool to watch Rogers take down three dudes, but what’s the point of this article?  The twist, my friends.  Guess who get caught in a trap?

Woopsie.  Remember when Captain America was a 90 pound weakling with illnesses too severe to join the army?  That’s back!  How’s he going to get out of this jam?

Which brings me to why I’m writing this article.  Yeah, he may not be super, but he’s always going to be a soldier.  And the fire in his gut that got the attention of the super soldier serum scientists in the first place?  That never went away.  The baddies can take away 150 pounds of muscle, but unfortunately for them, he’s still Captain America.

Compare this next fight with the brawl you witnessed in the beginning.  Notice any difference?  The only one I can find is that in the second fight, Rogers isn’t wearing a shirt.

Y’see, Captain America’s origin story isn’t tragic like so many other superheroes.  He sees Hitler start to conquer Europe, sees the atrocities and horrors the Nazis are inflicting, and decides to enlist to stop them.  Rogers knows right and he knows wrong, and his entire belief system follows the singular idea that wrong needs a stern thumping.  The character of Captain America had originally been created as a propaganda tool, but the evolution of the character since then has expanded tremendously.  I say this every single time: Captain America is the heroic and moral line that all other superheroes judge themselves against.  Always has been and always will be.

Most importantly, what does Captain America do to the bad guys when he gets his super soldier serum back?

He beats the crap out of them.

Hulk-ing around

The article title is misleading.  No Hulk talk here, instead we’re going to follow around his alter-ego Bruce Banner.

With the Hulk becoming intelligent in the past few years, what’s the point of Banner except as a crutch?  Sure, Banner may be just a spindly scientist, but it’s important to remember that he’s also a genius.  And I mean genius.  As in officially the fourth smartest person in the world.  Like Reed Richards and Tony Stark smart.

After World War Hulk, Bammer runs around with his hippie Hulk son that he fathered on the gladiator planet.  Because the Red Hulk absorbs all of normal Hulk’s radiation, Banner can’t turn into the Hulk. Yeah, comics.  Norman Osborn, in charge of a SHIELD-esque organization, wants to kill Banner. Who needs the Hulk anymore?  Cue Dark Reign – The List: Hulk, written by Greg Pak.

Meet Victoria Hand.  Despite her unprofessional haircut, she’s Osborn’s right hand man.  Who compromised the state of the art security systems?  Yessir, Banner has a big ol’ brain.

Ever hear of Bannertech?  Of course you haven’t.  He’s too busy running from the military in tiny ghost towns to properly market and sell his self-made technology.  Also, look again.  He’s doing everything from an iPod.

Introducing baby Hulk.  His name’s Skaar and like most Hulks, he’s unpleasant, violent, and frequently pissed off.  With Banner’s technology and Skaar’s giant sword, victory goes to the good guys.  Yay.

But this is the intro to our story.  You want to see the nerdiest scientist ever created kick some butt? Of course you do.  Unfortunately, we’re going to need some backstory to fully appreciate all the webs spun behind the scenes.

If you’ve read World War Hulk, you know that Skaar didn’t come to the planet Earth at the same time as his father and his army.  He arrived later, angry (surprise) and aiming to kill the Hulk.  It’s not really important why.  But as you saw, Hulk isn’t around.  Sadly for revenge’s sake, Banner’s running around devoid of his inner green rage monster.  Look, comics are based around the status quo.  Everything always goes back to the way it was.  Sure, it may take years, but because comic books are a business, Banner’s going to obviously become the Hulk again.  Skaar, unable to break the fourth wall but realizes it anyway, figures if he just tags along with Banner on his adventures, puny dad’s going to have to turn back into the green dad sooner or later.  Then he can enact his revenge/happy ending.

Anyway, round two of Banner vs. Osborn’s lackey.

Probably not a good idea to take a plane.  Y’know, because Banner already proved he can overrride machines and whatnot.

Told you.  Though I have no idea what virus can dismantle the glue holding the plane together.  I don’t know how planes are built.

I know the problem of comic book technology is the same as comic book magic.  It can do literally anything the writer wants it to do.  But who cares?  Makes it more fun.  Oh, so Ms. Hand has a few tricks of her own.  And by tricks I mean missiles.

In this technological chess game, Banner has totally field goal’d her bishops with his Zune.  I don’t know chess.  Though c’mon, Ms. Hand has a red streak in her hair – she’s spontaneous and dangerous!

By the way, the crazy time slowing bubble tech?  Never seen again.  Which is too bad, because that is some crazy overpowered weapon.  Even with Banner putting gun jamming nanoparticulates in the area, how can he possibly get out of this situation?  Well, Banner is a tech genius, and what’s the coolest technology of them all?

You’re absolutely right: more missiles.  Sure, Mark Ruffalo drove a motorcycle, but can he make stuff explode with his mp3 player?

What happened to Skaar?  He was fighting that spandex lady.  It’s not a long fight, you can read the issue.  Eventually the Hulk family gets away and they debrief the way only a Hulk family could.

The two hug and make s’mores.  The end.

Daredevil and Spider-Man get pissed off

The past few articles have been silly and fun.  Let’s do something heartbreaking this time.

I’ve mentioned many times on this blog that horribly tragic events occur far too often in the lives of superheroes.  Not to mention that bad guy beating is a high stress possession.  Plus, you know the cruelty of supervillains.  Eventually, and it’s always an eventuality, a superhero will break. You’ve read the title of the article, so you know who I’m going to talk about.

Daredevil

We’ll start with Daredevil (real name Matt Murdock).  He’s not as well-known as some of the others and his movie sucked.  When he was young, he rushes to save a blind man from an oncoming truck, causing the truck’s radioactive cargo to blind Murdock.  His father, a famous boxer, was killed by the mafia for not throwing a fight shortly after.  Daredevil has extensive martial arts training , his remaining four senses are greatly heightened, and this cool radar sense like bats do to detect stuff around him. Also, no other superhero in the Marvel world has suffered as much as him.

This is how most Daredevil stories end:

He’s had two lovers killed, his secret identity exposed, his law career ruined, his house blown up, his soul possessed, more nervous breakdowns than I can mention, and that’s just in recent years. The newest issues of Daredevil attract readers by promising that he’ll actually win once in a while. So Murdock tends to be a bit angrier and more frustrated than most superheroes.  But at least you know he has good reason.

We jump to Daredevil #49 and #50, written by the genius Brian Michael Bendis.  Murdock has just gotten married to a wonderful blind woman.  Sure, he’s attacked daily.  His livelihood and reputation are a wreck.  But for the first time in a very long time, his life has at least one bright light in the mind-numbingly painful fog.

Until Bullseye shows up one night at Daredevil’s apartment just as Daredevil left for patrol.  The same Bullseye who killed his first wife and a later girlfriend.

Daredevil has had a bad decade.  His only goal is to make his neighborhood safe.  And he’s suffered for every single good deed he’s done.  Murdock’s piled on so much crap that he hasn’t hung himself is a victory itself.  A human psyche can only handle so much.  And Bullseye attempting to murder his wife is the final rock that shatters the proverbial window of his sanity.

And you have just witnessed the exact moment Daredevil snapped.

You know what can hurt more than fists?  Words.

He’s definitely pissed off, but this Bullseye fight isn’t why I’m bringing up Daredevil.  You read the word bubbles.  Bullseye’s a pawn.  Time to go after the king.

And trust me, his anger has not subsided:

Yes, you’re right – Daredevil doesn’t kill.  But he knows the Kingpin can survive being hit with a car, which is something you probably won’t see Captain America doing.  No more games.   No more level bosses to defeat and move on.  This is game over.

You see, he’s fought the Kingpin and his lackies for years.  Daredevil will put them in jail, destroy their operations, and save Hell’s Kitchen.  Rinse and repeat his entire crime fighting career.  He’s beaten the same assassins dozens of times.  He’s ruined mobster schemes hundreds of times.  Yet, the cycle never ends.  The bad guys return to commit atrocities over and over again, and Daredevil has lost everything he cares about because of it.

No more.

Time to send a message.  And if the driving a car through the wall trick isn’t broken, why fix it?

Yeah, that’s definitely not what Captain America would do.  And what does Daredevil get out of this? What’s the end result?  A few months of peace, the arrival of a new kingpin, a sniper bullet through the chest, and a lengthy jail sentence. It sucks to be Daredevil.

Spider-Man

While not as bad as Daredevil, Spider-Man’s life hasn’t been terribly easy.  He’s a genius, but he makes awful decisions.  We go back a few years to the Marvel Civil War.  I’m going to go over this quickly.  While chasing the supervillain Nitro through a suburb, the New Warriors team failed to capture him and Nitro exploded, killing hundreds of civillains and the nearby elementary school.

In response, the government passed the Superhuman Registration Act, forcing all superheroes to de-mask, register with the government, and serve on a federally supervised superhero team.  It split the Marvel world in two.  Spider-Man, in a show of support for the law, publicly revealed his identity as Peter Parker and registered.  Turns out secret identities are secret for a reason.  The Kingpin hired an assassin to kill Parker, and in a botched attempt, the sniper’s bullet missed Parker and hit his 70ish year-old Aunt May.  This is where our story picks up in Amazing Spider-Man #539 through #543, written by J. Michael Straczynski.

He spends the next three or so issues hunting down who ordered the hit.

Yeah, this is not the Spider-Man you know and love.  Nothing lighthearted in this arc.  Remember, Aunt May didn’t get by a bus.  She was shot because her nephew is Spider-Man.  And if you have to pick a single personality flaw of spider-Man, it’s that he doesn’t take loss and guilt well.

Not a good arc to prove how funny Spider-Man can be.  Parker, emotionally ruined by seeing his Aunt May on life support, has become a force of terror aimed straight at the Kingpin.  And the reader observes a Spider-Man they have never seen before.

Forgot to mention the Kingpin bunks in jail.  No matter.  The confrontation now has an audience.

Getting a fairly good grasp of the Kingpin’s personality so far?  You don’t become the crime boss of New York City without being a giant douche.  All definitions of giant.

Figured out that Kingpin doesn’t stand a chance?  I mean, you saw Spider-Man chuck a jeep earlier.

Spider-Man’s right, you know.  He’s way faster, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a normal person. And the Kingpin, unfortunately, is a normal person.  Parker has the capability to kill with just a simple flick of the wrist, and what has set him apart from the supervillains is his refusal to do so.  But not anymore.  The Kingpin no longer deserves any mercy.

Spider-Man has never been scarier than this moment:

It’s crazy awesome, right?  Spider-Man has snapped before, but never that deeply.  Too bad he’s too poor to afford therapy.  Crime fighting isn’t a lucrative gig.

Just so there’s no closure, obviously Spider-Man doesn’t kill the Kingpin.  Immediately after this began the controversial Brand New Day story arc, where the demon Mephisto offers to save Aunt May’s life in exchange for Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage.  As an added bonus, mainly to return some of the status quo, everyone forgets Spider-Man’s secret identity.  A benefit of being a comic book, I guess.

Nothing like a few bad days though, huh?  Or in the Kingpin’s case, a bunch of them.

Fun with Deadpool

He’s the perfect superhero for the ADHD Internet era.  Completely wacky, extremely violent, and just a hint of self-loathing, Deadpool has rocketed in popularity over the past decade.

If you want to keep up with the youth in up and coming superhero fads, you need to know about Deadpool.  Plus, all of his series are fantastically written and delightfully fun.

A little backstory to get you caught up before we divulge into our issue for today.

Deadpool, real name Wade Wilson, is a product of the Weapon X program, which you may know as the main reason for Wolverine’s angst and memory loss.  As a science guinea pig, Deadpool was given Wolverine’s mutant healing factor.  Unfortunately, that also sped up the growth of the cancerous tumors he happened to have and left his body horrible scarred and disfigured.  But hey, at least he heals fast, and coupled with his extensive military training, makes him a formidable mercenary and assassin.

You still might be asking, what’s so special about a Wolverine ripoff?  Well, he doesn’t have claws. More importantly, he’s insane and I can’t stress how literally I mean that.  Allow me to provide proof using his battle against Bullseye in Deadpool #10 through #12, written by Daniel Way.

Real fast: Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, has created a team of Dark Avengers.  Bullseye, pretending to be Hawkeye, is sent after Deadpool to get rid of him.  Deadpool has just robbed a house when he goes upstairs to check on the owner.  Yeah, so Deadpool’s not exactly a superhero.

One guess to figure out who’s the assassin.  Bullseye and Deadpool scrap for a few pages, because it’s why we read comics in the first place.

And now that you’re caught up, I’m going to skip a bunch of context.  Look, the two are going to be fighting for the next three issues, you can figure out from the pictures what’s going on.  Like this:

That healing factor makes Deadpool pretty much invincible.  Around forty issues later, the Hulk will punch Deadpool so hard that his body liquefies, and he’s back to normal a few days later.  So while an arrow through the brain ain’t physically lethal, I imagine it does screw up a few cognitive processes. Probably.  I’m not a scientist.

A large part of Deadpool’s charm is his schizophrenia.  Arguing with the voices in his head and such. Turns his solo series into a team up.  You see his appeal?  No?  Well, it’s stuff such as this:

And this:

Want to take a guess about Deadpool’s reputation in the superhero and supervillain communities? Did you say universally hated? Yeah, Deadpool isn’t getting invited to any late night poker games. Though don’t feel bad for him, because in a world where a blue furry mutant cat can get an attractive normal green-haired girlfriend, the fault lies entirely with Deadpool.  He’s kind of a loose cannon – oh, and a moron.

But it’s because of how crazily stupid he is that we get moments like these.  Moments that etch Deadpool’s name permanently into the annals of the Marvel greats.  Moments such as the three full pages you’re about to read.

You see, even as funny as Spider-Man’s comics are, they’re still surrounded by monologues and scenes of Spider-Man’s frustrating anguish and the burden of responsibility.  These make him more relatable and the reader roots harder for him to win.  Deadpool comics don’t bother with those, because Deadpool’s a silly, spontaneous character who’s lacks any sense of accountability for his actions.  Other superhero comics deal with their protagonists overcoming overwhelming odds to persevere in the face of adversity and those are fantastic stories, but Deadpool’s about fun and he’s found a major following because of it.

The irony is that his dickish behavior’s the reason he’s so loved.

And if you’ve found yourself emotionally invested in this story and want to know how it ends, you’re in luck.  Bullseye and Deadpool go back to being sort of friends.  Why?  Because the unifying theme in all his adventures revolves around Deadpool not giving a crap.  Cue the next arc where he decides to join the X-Men and the arc after that where he fights a macaque monkey assassin with Spider-Man. You’re damn right you want to read it.

Hulk vs. X-Men

Let’s jump right into this.  We’re going to talk about the Hulk.

What has made Hulk so popular can be boiled down to two major points:
a) The eternal inner battle between the meek scientist Bruce Banner and his avatar of rage Hulk.
b) Lots of smashing.

In 2006 and 2007, Hulk was shot into space and sent far away from Earth because y’know, he’s super dangerous.  Well, his spaceship made a wrong turn and instead of a happy planet full of flowers and butterflies, Hulk landed on a violent gladiator planet.  Because he’s the Hulk, he fought his way to the top and married a hot space alien (I guess?).  One day, his spaceship exploded, killing his wife.  But who sent him away in that spaceship in the first place?  Yeah – Iron Man, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, and Mr. Fantastic.  They called themselves the Illuminati, along with Namor (who dissented to the Hulk launch) and Professor X (who wasn’t there).  So Hulk, pissed off, flies back to Earth to take his revenge on those that betrayed him.  Start the major Marvel event World War Hulk.

Since everyone has seen The Avengers movie, you know how strong the Hulk is.  Though what makes the Hulk so scary in the comic world is that he has no set level of strength.  The angrier he gets, the stronger he is.  Add that to a healing factor that rivals Wolverine, and he’s potentially the toughest being in the entire Marvel universe.

A three issue miniseries, World War Hulk: X-Men written by Christos Gage, follows Hulk as he goes to the X-Men mansion to have some “words” with Professor X (real name Charles Xavier).  And because you can probably guess how comics go by now, that means fighting all the X-Men.  Like all of them.  Versus Hulk.  And it’s awesome.

See?  This isn’t your dad’s Hulk.  He’s smart, armored, and hasn’t smiled in months.  Will the X-Men hand over Xavier like the green monster asks?  Of course not, because we have three issues to go.

First up, Hulk’s going to smack around the New Mutants.

Like the Avengers or Spider-Man villains, the roster is gigantic and you really only care about half of them.  I know you haven’t heard of these X-Men.  Y’see, when not fighting Magneto, the X-Men are essentially running a school.  And since all the original class are probably in their 30s now, a fresh crop of students is necessary.  Like the New Mutants.  They’re cool, trust me.  But it’s still the Hulk punching a bunch of teenagers (and Beast).

Professor X may be a bit of a dick (a recent revelation, unlike the movies where he’s charming James McAvoy with a full head of hair), but he’s still a good guy.  And you have to be a real douche to stand around while children are being ripped apart by the radiation monster who declared war on Earth.

By this time, the famous X-Men you know and love have arrived.  Xavier and Hulk have a little chat.

I’d be irresponsible to mention that this miniseries takes place about half way through the event.  Hulk and his army have already subdued Iron Man and Black Bolt.  He’s moments away from victory against both teams of Avengers and the Fantastic Four.  Being the super psychic genius Professor X is, he’s well aware of the consequences.  But Charles admits the truth.  Damn right he would have voted yes.  So y’know, round two:

How’s the fight go?  Shall we find out?

Not well.  Though one furry Canadian mutant is still left.  Y’see, Wolverine and Hulk have some history.  Wolverine’s first appearance in comics was as a Hulk villain.  Plus, Wolverine can heal, take massive amounts of damage, and his adamantium claws can actually pierce Hulk’s skin.  How do you deal with an enemy that can take everything you dish out?  Unfortunately, dumb Hulk disappeared years ago.

And round two goes to Hulk.  It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Professor X saved many of these mutants from lives of society’s rejection and gave them a family they never thought they would have. Sure, he trains them to be soldiers, but if you could shoot fire from your hands wouldn’t you want to learn how to fight?

Luckily, the arc isn’t over yet.  One more team, one more round against the green gamma beast with fists as big as their torsos.

Who’s going to win?  You probably don’t need Vegas odds to place a bet.

Don’t count the X-Men out yet.  I mean, there’s only Nightcrawler left, but he’s a tricky little mutant. And while kicks to the face aren’t going to faze Hulk, Nightcrawler can totally teleport the big guy. Hulk’s a bit too massive to warp farther than a few hundred feet, but that’s plenty of room for the classic Drop the Plane on the Raging Brute scheme.

Yay!  Call the ref and ring the bell, because this fight is over!  They X-Men can go back to their bunk beds and make s’mores and have the algebra test as scheduled tomorrow.  Oh, never mind.

No more X-Men.  They ran out of reinforcements and looks like Professor X is going to Hulk jail.  Wait, what do you see out of the corner of your eye?  Is that the potential savior approaching the battlefield? Who possess balls enormous enough to challenge the Hulk after just beating down three squads of mutants?  Can he turn around the battle and redeem himself for the past mistakes and atrocities he’s committed?

Nope.

But you see, in the timeline of comics, no group has suffered the discrimination and agony that the X-Men have endured.  Their past, present, and future have all been revealed as tragic, horrible struggles against the forces of hate and inequality.  You know who might be able to relate?  Yeah, Hulk.

Don’t forget that as many X-Men as he’s just punched, this all started because the happiness Hulk brutally fought for was taken away from him in a single vindictive, explosive flash.  Certainly, he has a right to revenge.  Except despite Xavier’s confession, he didn’t actually vote to send him away.  That and the entire history of the X-Men:

Happy ending?  Kind of?