Superhero fistfights 3!
Posted: 10/03/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsOh, why not? I’ll find something epic or romantic or extraordinary for Monday, but today, one more round shouldn’t hurt. In AvX: Versus #2, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Salvador Larroca, we see the X-Men deploy their toughest weapon. I’m talking Colossus Juggernaut, who’s like normal Juggernaut except encased in metal. He’s unstoppable:
But can this unbeatable force take on the most lovable of the Avengers? Can Colossus defeat my personal hero and inspiration to preteens everywhere? Oh my goodness, yes, Spider-Man doesn’t stand a chance.
Round 1: Colossus vs. Spider-Man
We’ve discussed Spider-Man’s strength level before — he can lift roughly ten tons, which won’t be anywhere near enough to even dent the Russian monster. Think of Peter Parker as a fly constantly buzzing in Colossus’ ear. Yes, the fly’s annoying and frustrating, but you really don’t want to squish it if you don’t have to. Still, persistence only leads to trouble and flies tend to be dumb. Poor foreshadowing for Spider-Man.
For lack of proper diction, the Avengers took on the hero role in this Marvel event. The X-Men ended up all villainous or defecting to the “good guys.” We’re supposed to be cheering for Spider-Man, and because of my unashamed bias, I always cheer for Spider-Man. But to be honest, this fight’s meaningless in the Marvel universe. No one gains anything from victory, except maybe a panel a few years down the road where the victor mentions this beatdown during combat banter.
Though both combatants end up in pretty bad shape after this thing wraps up. Colossus joins X-Force as a fugitive with out of control superpowers and Spider-Man dies an embarrassing death by his arch-nemesis of the 1980s. Still, for the moment, all’s well. Sort of.
Ready for the big finale? Spider-Man does possesses a genius intelligence. Certainly he can out-strategize the lumbering brute.
A well-earned win for Colossus. Eventually a few issues later, Spider-Man defeats Colossus and his sister Magik using manipulation, ego, and all those normal debate tricks that work on power-hungry maniacs. Because even while Spider-Man never ends a fight without his costume in tatters and his body bloodied and broken, he’s always victorious in the only place that matters: my heart. I regret nothing I’ve said.
Round 2: Toad vs. Jarvis
I have good stuff for Monday! I love you all. Do something awesome this weekend!
The marriage (and divorce) of Storm and Black Panther
Posted: 10/01/2013 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 31 CommentsTheir marriage lasted six years and one month. In real time. That’s like four months of comic book time. In late 2006, the Marvel world realizes that the King of Wakanda looks silly without a wife, but sadly, a suitable candidate to help him rule his tiny African nation can be difficult to find. That and Man Ape’s taken. So, why not that young white-haired girl that he fell in love with as a teenager, who now resides as the sometimes leader of the X-Men? She’s totally a catch.
Today, we’ll be taking a look at the following issues:
Storm #4, volume two, written by Eric Jerome Dickey and drawn by Lan Medina & David Yardin
Black Panther #18, volume four, written by Reginald Hudlin and drawn by Scot Eaton
Avengers vs. X-Men #8, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by Adam Kubert
Avengers vs. X-Men #9, written by Jason Aaron and drawn by Adam Kubert
Wolverine and the X-Men #24, written by Aaron and drawn by David Lopez
Anyway, they met and celebrated a fairly emotional courtship as youths. Young love, right?
I mean, they didn’t remain terribly close as their paths led them to opposite ends of the world. Storm threw hurricanes at Juggernaut while Black Panther did Wakandan stuff, I guess. I’m behind on Black Panther comics. But they’ve always loved each other, because political marriages are so old fashioned and readers don’t tolerate passion out of convenience.
I would like to mention that while both Black Panther and the Black Panther Party (for non-Americans, an African-American radical socialist political organization of the ’70s and ’80s), they’re not connected. It’s quite a coincidence though. As you’ve (hopefully) read some of my previous articles starring the married duo, their marriage turns out to be surprisingly happy and interesting. Plus, I like it when characters I like are happy — always for a fleeting moment though, as joy bores writers.
During the Marvel event Avengers vs. X-Men, the two find themselves on opposite ends of the conflict. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem — Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman butted heads during the Civil War — but then that pesky Namor does this:
Namor’s abs are so powerful that even the Phoenix Force can’t create him a shirt. And when the Atlantean X-Man destroys the country that has never been conquered (except by the affable Doctor Doom), it tends to burn any bridges of goodwill between Wakanda and the X-Men. That and Black Panther clawing all their faces the past eight issues.
I enjoy Black Panther, I do. But while still somewhat justified for his forced course of action in the next picture, it’s a wildly cold moment that makes you want to smack T’Challa as hard as he slapped Tony Stark the previous issue.
Hurts, right? Politics and such. I personally loved this event, but it did take a while before the superheroes started acting heroic. Both sides overreacted and punched way too early — that’s actually probably why I loved it so much. But it took Spider-Man to really show the others heroes how to act, that all this brawling only served for the Marvel universe to sneer at the childish actions of their protectors. Witness some true heroism for a change:
Sorry, wrong moment.
Black Panther and Storm remain friends. I’m serious. Good friends. Though heartbreak isn’t easy to break free from, and sometimes it takes a little help. Short, furry, smelly help.
I’ve mentioned before that superheroines love Wolverine. I don’t know why. And while there’s definitely a manly ruggedness to him, Wolverine also has more back hair than Beast. Look, I’m not here to judge taste. If Storm wants to rebound with the tiny Canadian, she deserves it. She could do far worse.
Superhero fistfights 2!
Posted: 09/29/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 5 CommentsI love dramatic character development and beautifully executed suspense as much as the next reader, but let’s be fair — if superheroes talked out their problems instead of punching them, we’d be far less inclined to read. Look, I want Hulk to be happy, but I also want him to rip a moon in half. Today, you get just the violence — none of that pesky plot nonsense. We’ll get back to stories that touch our hearts and souls on Wednesday. In AVX: Versus #4, written and drawn by Kaare Andrews, as well as AVX: Versus #5, written by Jason Aaron and drawn by Tom Raney, let’s not waste any of your precious time.
Same deal as last time. Avengers fought the X-Men over the Phoenix Force. Avengers win, X-Men lose, readers buy all the issues.
Round 1: Thor vs. Emma Frost
Thor, the Superman-with-a-hammer, faces Emma Frost wielding that neato Phoenix Force. Y’see, the benefit of having God powers is that the writer can really make Emma Frost do whatever the writer wants to, because her enhanced powers haven’t been established like Thor’s have. Plus, her outfit is even more revealing than her normal revealing outfit. Really, the battle here lies between their egos.
I don’t know what she sees in Thor’s mind — it’s never revealed. But it has to be dirty. And while Emma Frost has traversed the minds of perverts the world over, she has never searched one god’s three thousand years of perversion. Thor drinks heavily. Either way, the battle starts off strong for our Avenger protagonist.
Emma Frost makes a terrible mistake next. She attempts to emasculate the most masculine character in the Marvel universe. I admire her for speaking that way to a man whose values are so old fashioned that he still uses “thee” and “thou,” and more importantly, I gain new respect towards Cyclops, for dating a woman who must verbally and emotionally crush his balls on a weekly basis. Words can hurt far more than hammers sometimes, though Thor responds appropriately:
At this point in a normal fight, Thor raises his barrel of mead in victory. Good job, buddy. But remember what I mentioned earlier about Emma Frost’s God powers? Her only limitations lie in the imagination of the writer, which is horribly bad news for our thunder god.
Whenever Thor lies defeated, it always serves an important story role — mainly to tell the reader and other Avengers that this foe possesses the strength to bench press small skyscrapers. And now you know that of Phoenix Force Emma Frost. Girl power and whatnot.
If you love Thor (who still has way prettier hair than Emma Frost), at least take comfort that the Phoenix Force broke up her relationship with Cyclops. Apparently attacking your significant other and brutally taking her power against her will can cause a rift between lovers. And speaking of a rift between lovers, commence battle two.
Round 2: Storm vs. Black Panther
If you remember their last fight (which I’ll shamelessly plug), the King of Wakanda got destroyed by his dear wife. But T’Challa also has that whole genius-level intelligence that graces so many of our superheroes. Remember, they’re not only better than you physically, but mentally as well.
If you didn’t read Avengers vs. X-Men, Black Panther ended their marriage halfway through the event. I’ll cover it soon. So, you can imagine that while lightning strikes and right hooks certainly cause pain, that emotional scarring remains fresh and bleeding. The two can parry jabs and kicks, but they can’t dodge the kung fu chops to their hearts. Yet justifying their break up could certainly add some delayed armor before the inevitable tearful breakdown/rebound sex with Wolverine. Storm, not Black Panther.
I know the previous page only happens in fiction. I’ve seen enough episodes of Cops to know what happens when a (former) husband and wife brawl. But let us dream, for only in fiction do we have the inevitable poetic feel we so desperately crave and refuse to believe.
We all understand that as fierce and valiant our heroes fight, they’ll never defeat that status quo. Both bounce back from their heartbreak. Storm becomes headmistress of Wolverine’s X-Men school. Black Panther engages in a bloody and violent war against Atlantis. And it’s unfortunate, because if they could set aside their differences, there’d be no better power couple in Marvel today than T’Challa and Namor.
Superhero fistfights!
Posted: 09/26/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 2 CommentsIt’s a Friday and we’ve all had a rough week. Why pretend to beat around the edges of a story just to showcase all the cool fight scenes? So let’s jump right into the battles with zero context — just good guys kicking good guys in AvX: VS #1, written by Kathryn Immonen and drawn by Stuart Immonen, and AvX: VS #2, written and drawn by Steve McNiven.
The Avengers and X-Men started a war against each other over the Phoenix force. It happens. Now the two biggest Marvel teams have reasons to shoot lasers and shout moral rhetoric at each other!
Round 1: Thing vs. Namor
Yes, the Thing can punch equal to the force of a car at 52 miles per hour and take a punch about equal strength, but the poor guy gets the short end of the stick when it comes to Fantastic Four powers. His looks too, but that’s a different matter. Fire, force fields, and elasticity create so many more strategies and cool ideas than giant rock punches. But luckily, Namor doesn’t have powers beyond that either, and with the bad blood between them (Namor’s a jerk), this fight’s a long time coming.
That’s two solid jokes in two pages. Truthfully, I don’t know if the Thing has the ability to breathe underwater for extended periods of time. He does it here, but to save any potential arguments — he’s also has the ability to talk yet he lacks lips. I suspend all disbelief when it comes to Ben Grimm.
Despite Namor flying off relatively unharmed in the background, the Thing coolly trotting out of the ocean gives him my personal victory. I love Ben holding his own against Namor in water, which would be like fighting Iron Man in a robot factory. Luckily, our next battlefield serves as home field only for dinosaurs and Kravinoffs.
Round 2: Captain America vs. Gambit
I cut out all the neat moves Gambit makes, but to be fair, I’m wildly biased. My love for Captain America seeps deep into my own blind patriotism, but honestly, I mainly dislike Gambit wearing a trench coat in a jungle climate.
If I’m not mistaken, and this is done with zero research, I believe Gambit used to be way more powerful. I’m not saying he’s not now, but we all know a pink explosion won’t take out the symbol of our country (or America, if you’re reading this somewhere else). Most importantly, one can’t expect to speak French to Captain America and get away unscathed.
Truthfully, I don’t dislike Gambit. I tried really hard to read his ongoing solo series. The kind-hearted thief motif is always fun and exciting. Plus, I’m a huge fan of explosions, no matter the color. But my goodness, I adore the good captain, and the next few pages only make my heart soar. You can almost hear the bald eagles heroically squawking above the battlefield:
In the eleven-ish battles that take place over this miniseries and the dozens more in the main series, both teams come out on top about the same. Though for story purposes, the X-Men take the villain role, eventually leading to poor Cyclops versus everybody.
Let’s do two more on Monday. No better way to start the week, and maybe I’ll pick some fights where the X-Men win. Maybe.
The motivations of Doctor Doom
Posted: 09/24/2013 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 32 CommentsFor a man with a silly supervillain name, Doctor Doom has become a multi-layered, wildly complex figure in the Marvel universe. Sure, he’s definitely a bad guy, but his motivations don’t come from desire for power, riches, or control. Those just happen to be perks. Nope, Doom knows a secret, and he’ll reveal it to us today in Doomwar #3, written by Jonathan Maberry and drawn by Scot Eaton.
So Wakanda, a relatively tiny country in Africa ruled by the superhero Black Panther, has technology and strength far beyond even our precious US of A. Many years ago, a meteorite landed in Wakanda, and luckily for everyone there, it was composed of the largest supply of vibranium in the known world. Vibranium, a metal that surpasses even admantium (the stuff infused in Wolverine’s skeleton), has the ability to absorb all vibrations and kinetic energy thrown at it — essentially making it almost impossible to break. Captain America’s shield, for instance. And as a result, Wakanda has never been conquered in thousands of years. Until Doctor Doom came along.
To access the vibranium vault, Doom not only has to bypass a whole bunch of scientific and magical locks, he has to bare his soul to the Panther God. Seriously. The same being that gives Black Panther his superpowers has to judge Doom to be absolutely pure of heart, the same Doom that has callously massacred thousands of people. Well, that’s not going to stop Doom from trying. Nothing will, really.
Doom may be one of the most powerful people on the planet. He’s a scientific genius and the second most powerful sorcerer alive. But he’s also the man who once willingly sacrificed the love of his life to gain more magical power. Good luck looking into Doom’s charred soul.
Though Doom won’t admit it, he’d probably benefit from some major therapy. If it’s a Panther God and the world’s vibranium at stake, I guess lying on that metaphorical couch makes showing that small sliver of vulnerability worth it. Look, as Doctor Doom fights for a Doom-centric future, he’s certainly not doing it for himself. I mean, he’d be in charge and everyone would obey him as a deity-type figure, but that’s only a small benefit. Y’see, a Doomworld future serves only to benefit you, the unguided primitive fool you are.
My dear readers, I present to you the only possible scenario that leads to Marvel universe utopia. A brutal, law-abiding society that answers to their righteous and justified savior. Let us bow our heads to the man who saved us from ourselves (and Skrulls, I guess).
If Doctor Doom shows the slightest greed or hatred in his motivations, he’ll be killed by a giant cat. No getting around that. But every action Doom takes, no matter how cruel or sickening, serves a single optimistic purpose. And that surprised Panther God expression above reveals more the unfortunate wisdom in Doom’s world and less of a large Mouse God or something passing by.
Surely with the world’s vibranium under Doctor Doom’s control, he wouldn’t use it for evil, right?
Read the miniseries for the exciting conclusion and the Wakanda-changing plot twist at the end. Plus Deadpool shows up in a few issues for some reason.
Black Panther, Kraven, and rooftops
Posted: 09/22/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentSo Daredevil got possessed by a demon and used a ninja army to mess up Hell’s Kitchen. Remember that? After the exorcism and Daredevil’s disappearance (though I’ll shamelessly link you to where he went), the New York City borough remained undefended from Russian mobsters, creepy genetic scientists, and all those other unruly immoral types. Luckily, T’Challa, former king of Wakanda and currently lacking superpowers, figures he could step up to the role. So Black Panther bought a diner, started wearing glasses (to disguise his thick Wakandan accent, I guess?), and patrolled the streets at night as Black Panther.
But as we know from all superhero stories, when our hero pushes hard enough, the bad guys push back with some extra muscle of their own. Especially when a young child’s life is at stake, like in Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #518-520, written by David Liss and drawn by Francesco Francavilla & Jefte Palo.
Witness the post-Grim Hunt Kraven. He famously died in that wildly famous arc “Kraven’s Last Hunt,” but a few years ago, his family resurrected him. Familial love has never been Kraven’s strong point and he immediately resented them. Turns out, he liked being dead and since they accidentally used tainted clone blood instead of pure Peter Parker blood in their black magic voodoo, Kraven’s cursed and nothing can kill him. Immortality and whatnot.
But just because Black Panther can totally die and only has the strength and skill of a master martial artist, a celebrated tactical and scientific genius, and the support of numerous super powerful allies. Plus, a Punisher-sized weapon arsenal.
Unfortunately, and for far more dramatic effect, Kraven starts their battle off with an ambush — enough to put Black Panther at a big disadvantage. That’s what makes fights thrilling, after all.
Their battle takes place almost entirely through two issues and covers pretty much all of Hell’s Kitchen. I can’t show you all of it, and I even have to skip some of the cooler scenes, but you’ll get the gist of the neat stuff.
That’s right, if falling through one glass ceiling worked so well, why not do it again? Kraven can’t be killed by the fall anyway. Oh, and that wrecking ball he threw a few panels up? I have no idea where that came from. I imagine Kraven carries it with him. You never know when you need an emergency wrecking ball.
Both are expert fighters, even in the urban streets. But poor Black Panther has to do that whole superhero-ing thing and protect innocents while Kraven sets traps and blows up cars. A supervillain’s job contains far less requirements and obligations. Oh, but remember when I mentioned T’Challa’s super powerful allies? Like this one:
At this time, Black Panther and Storm lived in marital bliss. Kind of. They’re no longer married, victims of that dreaded status quo. Storm has moved on to Wolverine while Black Panther remains dateless, so he’s definitely doing better than she is. But here, T’Challa scolds his wife for saving his life. Equal parts honor and nagging, I guess.
I can’t really tell if Black Panther’s being a jerk to his wife or not. On one hand, Storm is one of the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe and Black Panther totally couldn’t ninja star or billy club out of Kraven’s way. But he did tell Storm to mind her own business and leave him alone, and that he also probably likes her or whatever. Still, when you have a trump card (even one you make out with), use it. Also, Kraven captured the boy the two of them were looking for.
Our big finale! Y’see, the mad scientist promised Kraven something no one else can offer him: a way to die. Comic book science’s tricky. On one hand, it can easily reverse an immortality curse, but Professor X has to remain in a wheelchair for fifty years. Most importantly, mad scientists get to use comic book science for the really cool stuff, like giant walking piranhas,
By Kraven’s “revere” of animals, he means chase them down with spears and make vests out of their fur. Though despite all of Kraven’s faults (so many), he is a man of honor. A man with a code. One that does not allow him to let sweet innocent giant walking piranhas be imprisoned in secret laboratories.
Did that put you in the mood for romance?
Black Panther and Storm heal their relationship, Kraven sets free the captured animals, and the monkeys get pants! A happy ending for everyone!
Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson go camping
Posted: 09/19/2013 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsWith all the emotionally draining, soul-crushing Spider-Man stories of the past decade or so, sometimes it’s nice to read a story that reminds us why we read Spider-Man in the first place: he’s goofy. So when I read a fun one-shot from 2002 titled Spider-Man: Sweet Charity, written by Ron Zimmerman and drawn by Darick Robertson, I knew I had to share it with you all. Because Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson go camping.
Jameson has an idea! To raise money for charity, he’ll have a superstar celebrity auction!
I would like to say this as the best depiction of Jameson ever, if just because he’s definitely the only comic book character who would ever make a Rommel reference. Anyway, as the auction goes on, Kraven the Hunter’s son sends a women out to unleash his evil plan:
Y’see, any bad guy can punch his archenemy. Any bad guy can jump kick or throw a car or shoot plasma rays at his archenemy. But it takes a true genius to punish his archenemy with the emotional and mental blast of forcing Spider-Man to spend a weekend with the man he hates the most. That probably includes Green Goblin, who killed Spider-Man’s girlfriend. And the best part? This spear in Spider-Man’s heart serves entirely to help starving orphans or other charitable causes.
Most of the issue goes as you expect: long walks in the woods with lots of bickering.
You know how most of Spider-Man’s rogue gallery is made of baddies in animal costumes (Vulture, Rhino, Black Cat, Chameleon, Lizard, etc.)? Well, sometimes these dudes like to hang out in their natural habitat.
For the depth and complexity of the plot, you should buy the actual issue. Because I just want to show you the most important, most significant pages of this wonderful comic. The pages that make your heart jump and your spirit soar. Like Scorpion fighting wolves while discussing Popeye.
I really wasn’t lying when I mentioned most of the issue involves Spider-Man and Jameson arguing. Apparently a decade and a half of bad blood mixed with an outdoor hike doesn’t lead to hugs, kisses, and apologies. On a related note, I’m glad they changed Jameson’s mustache to a long bushy one in the past couple years.
Writers love the whole, “Can you trust a hero who wear a mask?” discussion. And for good reason. It’s too much philosophy for me, and considering every Avenger except Luke Cage hides his or her identity, we can just assume characters bring that argument up so we know they don’t trust the good guys. Plus, Luke Cage’s superhero costume is a t-shirt and jeans.
We should check back in with Scorpion.
Eventually, the supervillain meets our two protagonists because the story would be awful if he didn’t. Zimmerman writes a convincing argument about how dangerous Scorpion actually can be when he tries. I mean, not against Thor or anything, but Spider-Man has to be careful. Luckily, if a Spider-Man villain isn’t a super genius, he’s a moron. Like Scorpion. Supervillains tend to land on IQ extremes.
I include the next page only for a single line that’ll delight me forever. The single page that sums up Jameson’s complete lack of respect for our web-slinging hero.
That’s right, Spider-Man makes woodland creatures do the dirty work for him. Those bears did all the real fighting. Instead of praising Spider-Man for leading Scorpion into a brilliant trap (instead of the 50/50 chance of victory in the fistfight beforehand), Jameson berates him with one of the greatest put-downs in Spider-Man/Jameson camping story arcs.
Still, though the trip’s a bust, it could have been worse.
The Vision would totally be the worst golf partner.
Superior Spider-Man vs. Massacre
Posted: 09/17/2013 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 4 CommentsI love the Superior Spider-Man series. Not just because we’re getting brand new Spider-Man stories never told before, but because though Doc Ock loses the joking and gains the ego/abrasiveness — he really is a better Spider-Man. And it’s fascinating the way writer Dan Slott shows that.
If you aren’t caught up, Peter Parker and Doctor Octopus (real name Otto Octavius) switched bodies. Doc Ock’s body died with Peter’s mind still in it, giving the former supervillain Peter’s body, memories, and life. If you want more, I chronicled the whole one-hundred issue lead up in a previous article. Think of if Doctor Octopus decided to devote his entire genius and massive ego to fighting crime instead of causing it. Just with Spider-Man’s tools, friends, and resources.
Yes, Otto’s better at being Spider-Man, but that doesn’t make him a better person. Or team player. Or basic all-around nice guy. Still, can’t really argue with results:
And then Massacre shows up again in Superior Spider-Man #4-5, written by Slott and drawn by Guseppe Camuncoli. If you read Monday’s article, he’s pretty much the same dude today. Amoral, violent, and totally okay with murder. Oh, and for clarification purposes, at this point in time, ghost Peter still haunts his old body. Slott called it an easing in process to fans taking in solo-Otto stories.
Notice the big difference between Peter and Otto? Besides the goggles? I know the argument between morality versus practicality rages on continually in comics. Peter argues simply that good people must not kill, because that’s what makes someone good. Superheroes are role models after all. But Doc Ock, never one for sentimentality or a guilty conscience, figures that New York would be better if Massacre exploded or got caught in an industrial accident or whatever, and safety of the citizens (not personal morality) should be the main goal of superheroes. Both make good points, they really do, and before you take sides, let’s see what Massacre’s up to:
Yeah, bad day. I wouldn’t go so far as to blame those innocent deaths on Spider-Man’s failure to contain Massacre. Moral misgivings aside, supervillains can’t be killed — to reuse them in future plots mainly — and who knows which baddies’ll catch on with readers?
More importantly, time for Spider-Man to re-capture this madman.
With that technology, sort of like the end of The Dark Knight, when Massacre’s face pops up on a spider-bot, Doc Ock swings into action. Lives are at stake and privacy can’t outweigh the safety of the people. I think that last sentence just qualified me for the Republican party.
Peter’s main flaw relied on him succumbing to emotion far too often. Massacre’s shooting people in Grand Central Station and the faster that Spider-Man swings there, the more people he can save. We love Peter for that, and honestly, superhero fights usually rely on speed and power. But y’know, a quick logical assessment of the situation could be quite helpful. Massacre has no superpowers, just a dude with shrapnel in his head and a lot of rifle ammo. While the police control the situation immediately around Massacre, Spider-Man can take care of any supervillain back up plans. Big success! I mean, almost.
Not a tough fight. Spider-Man wins, if just because his full strength could crush an SUV. Spider-punches in the jaw would take down the toughest human fighters (except Captain America with his superpower of patriotism — no one knocks out the United States in a sucker punch).
Now, as Spider-Man stands over his beaten opponent, I present to you the most significant difference between the two Spider-Men.
While the supervillain lies wounded and defeated, he exhibits that one trait Peter and the other Avengers appreciate more than any other: that glimmer of redemption, the idea that a bad man could become a shining example for others. And as we end the article today, I want to believe that Peter’s bleeding heart speaks far stronger than the cold, logical gift of safety. Just not today.
Yes, Spider-Man: killer. Look, we know Peter Parker’ll return within a year, because the new Spider-Man movie comes out next summer. Until then, we should appreciate the storytelling ride. Plus, Doc Ock’s doing some interesting stuff — giant prison fortress, huge spider-army, wrecking every friendship Peter ever gained, etc.
Friday marks the end of Spider-Man stories for a while, but they’ll always be ongoing in our hearts.
Amazing Spider-Man vs. Massacre
Posted: 09/15/2013 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 4 CommentsThis is actually a two-part article, as Massacre has appeared in only two arcs. But his presence demonstrates the absolute best comparison between Peter Parker’s Spider-Man and Doc Ock’s Peter Parker’s Spider-Man so far. About fifty issues before Otto Octavius took over the role (and body and life and all the memories), Peter witnessed Mayor J. Jonah Jameson’s wife die in a supervillain attack. Wildly distraught as he tends to be when his supporting cast perishes (and his emotional breakdown every single time may very well be one of his most admirable character traits, y’know, the idea that even after a decade and a half of crime fighting that he still takes every death so hard). After one of the best dream/philosophical sequences written in the past decade, Spider-Man makes a declaration:
In Amazing Spider-Man #655-656, written by Dan Slott and drawn by Marcos Martin, Peter’s new mantra gets put to the test against a dangerous new supervillain (it’s Massacre, you’ve read the title).
Once a successful businessman, Marcus Lyman and his wife received the unfortunate end of a car bomb that killed the missus and shoved a piece of metal into Marcus’ brain. The shrapnel cut off the part of his brain that regulates emotions and morality. No right or wrong, no conscience, no guilt, no fear, etc. You get the idea.
You know who this looks like a good job for? Spider-Man.
Okay, so Spider-Man’s not exactly 100% lately. Y’see, he lost his “spider-sense” a few issues back that lets him know danger’s approaching or dodge explosions or whatever the writer wants it to do. Meet the new Spider-Man, much more embarrassing than the old Spider-Man.
And Spider-Man learns fairly quickly that while immoral supervillains at least have objectives and desires, amoral supervillains have far less needs. Though to be fair to Massacre, by this point Wolverine would have dropped from the vents and clawed out his heart — Spider-Man’s a far better superhero to deal with than some of the alternatives.
Martin’s art rocks. It’s gorgeous in both the minimalist close ups and the sweeping views of the city.
Spider-Man loses the first round. Spandex doesn’t absorb bullets very well, no matter how many backflips and cartwheels our hero attempts. But when Massacre sets up his second hostage situation the next day or so, our hero’s ready. We always forget that Peter’s a crazy science genius — probably a sliver or two away from Mister Fantastic, Hank Pym, and the others. And if Tony Stark could build a bulletproof suit of armor in a desert prison, well, gosh darnit, Spider-Man can do just as well in his fancy genius lab.
Click on the above picture for a larger version — it’s set up in a way that I can’t break it up. Besides Spider-Man’s knack for technology, sometimes we forget about Spider-Man’s gaping emotional vulnerability. Peter rarely deals with moderation of feelings. When he’s sad, he’s an inconsolable mess. When he’s angry, he’s an unstoppable force. And when he’s determined? You get what’s coming up next. While Spider-Man can’t compete with Thor or Hulk level abilities, we must remember that Spider-Man far faster, stronger, and smarter than we give him credit.
Massacre’s brain injury makes him irredeemable. He can’t be fixed. The man will be a murderer until his final moments, and the police figure now’s the best time to clear the streets of a man who’s guaranteed to kill innocents again. But morality’s a tricky subject and Spider-Man’s resolve remains unbroken, even for the worst of the Marvel universe.
Why does Spider-Man keep his supervillains locked up only to escape to kill time and time again? Plot reasons, mainly, but simply because as a superhero, he has to be better than us. That even when he wants nothing more to strike out against the most dangerous of society, he must show restraint — justice over vengeance.
And yes, Massacre does escape from prison to kill again. But that’s Doc Ock’s problem.
Let’s take a break with Hercules and Psylocke
Posted: 09/12/2013 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 3 CommentsI get distracted when I find a good Hercules story, like the one I showed last time. We’ll get back to our Spider-Man articles on Monday (especially because I haven’t actually shown a story starring Spider-Man yet), but as you end your week working diligently for The Man, relax and be delighted with this little love story from X-Men: To Serve and Protect #4, written by James Asmus and drawn by Eric Koda, Sandu Florea, & Miguel Munera.
This begins as most romantic tales do: halfway into the battle against a talking griffin.
From what you know about Hercules, he enjoys many of the simple pleasures in life: beer, punching, and ladies. And I guess not wearing shirts. While the beer’ll come later and the punching ends satisfyingly, that really only leaves one more desire left. Like seducing a psychic ninja mutant.
Hercules almost certainly smells terrible and has prolific back hair. But he is tall, strong, in fantastic shape, and speaks like he just left a performance of Macbeth. While Psylocke can totally read minds, she didn’t really need to in order to recite our dear hero’s pick up lines. By the way, those lines won’t work at your local bar.
I imagine many people’ll get upset over young Psylocke’s reaction to Hercules. I totally get it. “Psylocke wouldn’t respond that way!” “Psylocke wouldn’t fall for Herc’s lines!” Maybe. But the beauty of a being a fictional character is that if this pairing upsets you, retcon it in your brain or something. And even as an adult man, if a god beat up a supervillain in front of me and offered to carry me to his bedroom, I’d need a few moments to consider. Especially gods wearing huge belt buckles with their initial on it.
Yes, they totally hook up. Proof in a few pages, but I’d like to believe this story ends with Psylocke retaining her good role model for young independent women characterization. Because unlike many superheroes (say, Hercules), she learns from her mistakes. And while I wouldn’t call sleeping with the promiscuous Hercules a complete mistake (maybe if he provides a doctor’s note), she realizes in the past few years that she should devote her attention to stable relationship-orientated men instead. Like the heir of Apocalypse’s eternally damned empire. Or a schizophrenic self-absorbed French thief. Much better choices.
Understand this: sure, Hercules flirts repeatedly with any girl who doesn’t wear pants to the point of both wild overconfidence and frenetic charm, but he’s always and forever a proper gentlemen.
Well, close enough.
Arousing Grammar 