Batgirl goes clubbing
Posted: 06/27/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 6 CommentsThe Batman family’s crowded. The Dark Knight has fought alongside a half dozen Robins, Batgirls, and other vigilantes like Huntress, Manhunter, and Azrael. Even Bruce Wayne shared the Batman costume with at least two others. So Gotham has a few dozen superheroes running around at all times, yet it’s still the most dangerous city in the country. To be fair, Superman protects Metropolis while moving at the speed of light with the strength to lift the moon, whereas Huntress patrols Gotham with a motorcycle and a crossbow. Maybe Batman’s hometown needs a few more superheroes than other major DC cities. Luckily, the need for a gigantic quantity of Bat people gave us Barbara Gordon, the first Batgirl.
Barbara’s the daughter of Commissioner Jim Gordon, the chain-smoking mustachioed policeman that Batman trust over all other civilian. She first appeared in 1967, with the goal of using her as a tool to attract more female fans. Over time, Barbara became a technological genius, a high-skilled martial artist, and Dick Grayson’s (the first Robin) main love interest. But because she’s a Bat, she suffers from the Batcurse – an inability to have a good time. Fortunately in The Brave and the Bold #33 written by the genius J. Michael Straczynski, superheroes Zatanna and the Wonder Woman have a plan to fix that.
I covered Wonder Woman at the beginning of the week, but I should probably do a brief paragraph on Zatanna in case you don’t know about her.
It’s not easy to fight crime in fishnets and a top hat, but to be fair to her, she makes her living as a stage magician. Also, she sort of cheats, because she’s an actual magician. Her superpower lets her cast spells by reciting them backwards. And because she uses comic book magic, her spells can do whatever she wants to whoever she wants whenever she wants it. Plus, that’s her actual name, not hiding behind silly secret identities. Oh, and Zatanna likes dancing.
Now anyone who’s ever taken a business class must be a little suspicious at this point. Comics are expensive and readers aren’t going to shell down $2.99 to watch their superheroes crunk the night away. Trust me, storytelling sometimes takes a while to pay off, much like the first eight episodes of every season of Breaking Bad. Buckle up and just enjoy the ladies’ letting loose for an evening.
No supervillains crashing the party? No robberies across the street? No random fires at the club? Nope, simply three crimefighters having a night on the town. But the article’s about Batgirl. And before the partying started, this issue began with a nightmare from Zatanna.
Followed by this strange scene with Zatanna and Wonder Woman weeping in each other’s arms.
Let Wonder Woman explain a little better than I can.
It’s common knowledge at this point, so I hope I’m not really spoiling anything, but in the mega-famous 1988 graphic novel The Killing Joke written by Alan Moore, the Joker shoots and paralyzes Barbara, which ultimately changes her character for over 20 years. And as you’ve figured out from the above panels, Zatanna knows what’s about to happen. As nicely as I can put it, there’s nothing she can do to stop this and it sucks. What do you do in this situation? Well, the best you can.
And with a single panel, Batgirl’s permanently confined to a wheelchair. Worse yet, the Joker doesn’t even know Barbara is Batgirl, making her just a cog in his cruel scheme against her father. For the next two decades, Barbara works as Oracle, the information broker and tech support for the Bat family, the Justice League, and even leader of the Birds of Prey, an all-female superhero team. Barbara even got briefly engaged to Grayson. But the sadness, regret, and frustration never truly faded as the character evolved throughout the 1990s and 2000s. Which makes this flashback issue wonderfully bittersweet.
When DC rebooted all their comics in September 2011, Barbara’s paralysis mysteriously healed and she regained her title of Batgirl. Honestly, with the amount of magic, technology, and deus ex machina roaming around the DC universe, she probably could have been cured earlier. Still, as a reader, I’m absolutely delighted to see her once more kicking bad guys.
Princess Sandman and Spider-Man
Posted: 06/26/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentLet me tell you a story about a young girl:
A happy story with a happy ending! Except not, because as you probably guessed from the title of the article, her daddy’s Sandman.
Flint Marko, also known as Sandman, made his first appearance in 1963, a year after Spider-Man’s first comic. A lifelong criminal, Marko escapes from jail and finds himself stuck in a experimental reactor filled with irradiated sand. The sand bonds to his molecular structure and now his whole body is made of it. Cue Sandman. But you probably figured out his origin before I told you.
For forty years, he’s been a pain in Spider-Man’s butt. Also, because of his “condition,” Spider-Man can’t just punch him until victory. Do you remember that Peter Parker’s a science genius? He has to use heat, cold, water, cement, etc. – as long as it changes the structure of the sand, Spider-Man can pull off a win. Which also must make Sandman one of the toughest villains in the rogue gallery. Also one of the smelliest villains, since he’s unable to take a bath.
Well, how did Keemia end up in Sandman’s sand island hideaway?
Mystery solved. A talking snowman took Keemia away. You see the moral dilemma here? Keemia’s mother had been killed and her great-grandmother not exactly a responsible guardian. Now, Keemia’s every need is satisfied and her happiness is Sandman’s only priority. But, y’know, a kidnapping’s still a kidnapping.
Plus, I’m not a scientist or anything, but because of an entire molecule self made entirely out of sand, I don’t think Marko’s very fertile. Or possible of fathering a child. Now I may be wrong. The Marvel universe is a wacky place. For my sake, I’m going to assume Sandman’s not the actual father. And poor Spider-Man, he has to go visit Sandman’s island and have a little chat.
Granted, Marko has an extensive criminal record, but from what we’ve seen so far, looks like Spider-Man’s the villain in this story. Further confirmed with the intense child-superhero interrogation.
Okay, so Marko’s actions are illegal. Yes, he’s still stealing and murdering, but now he’s stealing and murdering for his daughter. I’m also guessing Sandman’s not bringing in a private tutor for Keemia.
Certainly Spider-Man realizes that the kid has no idea what’s best for herself, that Marko can’t be trusted, and leaving Sandman alone on an island will only lead to trouble. But the child’s happier than she’s ever been before. To “rescue” her, he’s going to have to wreck the most joy she’s ever had or will have in her life. Unfortunately, that’s part of the burden of superheroes. Stupid good guys.
We’ve had a tough journey. All sorts of beach perils. Sit back and relish in the satisfying, wonderful ending to the story:
Yeah, so not really satisfying or wonderful. Which brings up an interesting point I’ve addressed before: why is being a superhero always so heart-wrenchingly painful? No matter how many times Spider-Man beats down the bad guys, they’ll return 20 issues later. No matter how many times Spider-Man saves his Aunt May, she’s going to be captured again 25 issues later. No matter how many people he saves, Spider-Man will always be hated by the city he devotes his life to protecting. We’re not even counting the bijillions of bruises, broken bones, cuts, and concussions. And finally, when Spider-Man does everything right, when he rescues the delusional little girl from the grasps of an insane supervillain, his reward is just as bad as if he never rescued her at all. So why does he continue to be Spider-Man?
I had originally written a 400 word paragraph on the importance and societal role of Spider-Man, but I think the answer’s simpler than that. He’s not Spider-Man for some obsessive responsibility. Look, it sucks to take out the garbage, do the dishes, and go on errands around town. But you still do them, because that’s just how life works. Same thing with Spider-Man. He’s Spider-Man because someone has to do it and unfortunately, he got stuck with the job. Though the perks include meeting famous people, marrying a supermodel, and saving the lives of thousands of people, so it’s not all bad.
But enough overthinking. Let’s see some dancing tomorrow.
Jokin’ with Wolverine
Posted: 06/25/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentYesterday’s article had a cool fight, but you know what it was lacking? Banter.
What makes battles even better? When the heroes are cracking jokes during it. And we’re going to explore that today with Wolverine and a few of his buddies. You remember Wolverine, right?
Yeah, this Wolverine:
I like him. He’s short, hairy, grumpy, deadly, and has easily the worst haircut in the Marvel universe. His history is lengthy and complicated, but I’m sure you’ve heard of his unbreakable claws and speedy healing factor. We’ll save the back story for another day. Let’s have some fun in Wolverine #17 through #19, written by Jason Aaron.
Introducing his team up partner for this arc, Gorilla-Man:
Gorilla-Man’s an easy superhero to figure out. He’s got the body of a gorilla, but the intelligence of a human. The end. Strangely, Gorilla-Man (real name Ken Hale) has been around since 1954. Hale liked being a mercenary, but didn’t like the idea of dying. In his travels, he heard of an African legend that stated if you killed the Gorilla-Man, you get to be immortal. So he did. And unfortunately, one of the side effects turned him into the next Gorilla-Man. Though on the plus side, he is immortal. Like from old age and disease, not an adamantium claw through the chest. As you can imagine, Gorilla-Man isn’t a terribly popular superhero.
An old kung fu master and a child dressed like a Charles Dickens character follows them around. Because why not? Onward with the banter!
Regardless of their witty repartee, the fight doesn’t go well. The two non superheroes get captured. How sad.
Before we get to the second part of our story, I must point out this Wolverine story is delightfully refreshing. Y’see, he has a bunch of skeletons in his closet, so Wolverine stories tend to be dark, depressing, and violent. When you come across an arc where he travels through the center of the earth with a smart gorilla fighting dragons, that breath of fresh air cannot be sweet enough. Unfortunately, with the old man and child out of the picture for a while, who’ll take their place?
Fat Cobra, one of the Immortal Weapons! Do you know who Iron Fist is? He’s a billionaire blonde American who traveled to a mystical city in Asia and became their kung fu champion. He gets to project his chi into energy blasts or whatever someone uses chi to do. Luckily, a whole bunch of other magic Asian cities exist, each with their own kung fu champion and crazy chi powers. Together, they’re the Immortal Weapons. Iron Fist became an Avenger and for a long time fought crime in New York City as a mercenary with Luke Cage. And Iron Fist”s girlfriend looks like she stepped right out of a blaxploitation movie. But if you exclude all of that and the fact that Fat Cobra’s first appearance in the Marvel universe was only four years ago, Fat Cobra totally takes the crown as the best.
Continue the dragon fight:
Wolverine’ll be fine. But you know the best part of fighting ninjas in the earth’s core? They’ve never heard of The Illiad.
Primates wielding machine guns and obese guys punching each other rocks, right? But see how much better the fight has become with banter? It’d be hard to argue that Spider-Man wouldn’t be half as popular as he is today without the sheer amount of one-liners that man spews. Jokes during battles make them more fun, keep readers interested, and help justify convincing your wife that the boxes of comics in the basement will totally last the test of time.
So what do superheroes do after a successful mission? Drink? Yes, of course. They’re only human/gorillas after all.
Luckily there isn’t a no shirt, no service rule in the bar, right? I’m sorry, this is why I don’t write comics.
Wonder Woman vs. Superman
Posted: 06/24/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 6 CommentsOf the “big three” DC superheroes (Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman), the Amazonian princess is by far the least popular. It’s unfortunate too, because despite her silly costume, obscure rogues gallery, and creepy bondage fetish in her earliest comics, she’s one of the toughest and most interesting superheroes in the DC universe.
Her origin story is soaked in magical artifacts and Greek gods. In summary, Wonder Woman (real name Diana Prince) became the finest warrior on the Amazon island and received the honor of venturing into the real world to fight crime or strangle men or whatever. And despite her sexy Uncle Sam costume, she wears the traditional outfit of the Amazonian champion.
Most importantly, many readers underestimate just how powerful she really is. At her best, Wonder Woman’s a more visually appealing Superman. She’s just as strong and just as fast. Plus, she can also fly. Sure, Superman has heat vision and freeze breath, but Wonder Woman gets that truth lasso, bulletproof bracelets (though she’s fairly bulletproof herself) and mastery of almost the entire catalog of medieval weaponry. And one final, world-shaking difference that we’re going to read about today. Enjoy Wonder Woman #219 and #220, written by Greg Rucka.
Our fight begins mid-story.
Meet supervillain Maxwell Lord. His superpowers include influencing minds, as you’ve seen above. Also, he’s a huge perverted jerk. But to say Wonder Woman outclasses him in sheer strength and fighting ability would be like saying Batman isn’t fond of crime. In a fistfight, Lord doesn’t stand a chance. So he does what most telepaths would do: have Superman kick her butt instead.
Bad start for our protagonist. And she’s definitely not dressed for space. But we’ve all seen UFC fights: it only takes one lucky shot to take out your opponent. Wonder Woman can turn the tide.
Well, eventually. Diana has spent most of her life training and sparring with her fellow Amazons. She’s a shrewd fighter with a keen eye for combat weaknesses. So how does she take down an enemy that can’t be beaten by simply brawling? Well, let’s remember that Superman has a bunch of cool powers that Wonder Woman doesn’t. You know, to exploit.
There’s your opening, Wonder Woman! Don’t let up!
Unfortunately, for all the power that she possesses, poor Diana doesn’t have the durability of the Man of Steel. And that means Superman can cause harm to her in ways that she can’t do to him. Like, I dunno, this:
She’s not going to win. Especially with only one wrist. Instead, she can thank whichever god gave her all those smarts.
Because as you saw earlier, Superman’s delusions are being caused by Maxwell Lord. In the equation of battle, take out the puppet master and the puppet falls too. Huh? Why yes, I am flexing while I’m writing this.
I haven’t read a ton of Wonder Woman, but probably like you, I had no idea her tiara could do that. Though makes sense, considering her costume doesn’t really have space for batarangs or anything.
Can you guess the earth-shattering difference between the two superfriends? The difference that tears apart their relationship, kicks Wonder Woman off the Justice League, and cements her as a pariah in the superhero community? Yup, this:
To be fair, Wonder Woman has killed before. Lots of times. She’s technically an Amazonian soldier. But you must understand how this affects Superman, because big blue boy scout sees this matter forever and always in black and white. Because of how massively powerful he is, he absolutely must have an unwavering responsibility to the laws and morals that govern his country. Such as not killing dudes. This extends to his Justice League buddies too, because they can also fly and shoot lasers and stuff.
Nothing more painful than a sad Superman. Maybe Batman will understand, after all he and Diana have had an on-and-off again relationship for years.
Mission complete? Good idea for her to martyr her reputation and superhero standing to save Superman? Though now you know Wonder Woman packs a punch, right? Then at least it’s a happy ending for me.
The art of seduction with Hercules
Posted: 06/22/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 2 CommentsThor’s a cool idea for a superhero, right? The viking god of thunder from a relatively unknown religion who wields a magical hammer. I totally approve. But with the success of Nordic culture, why not implement other gods? Well, by far the best of them is the mighty, majestic Hercules:
Yeah, not your English teacher’s Hercules.
Enjoy a womanizing, arrogant, hedonistic Hercules ripped straight from the peaks of Mt. Olympus. He’s been around for three thousand years, has durability and strength that rivals Thor, and despite being the definition of an oaf, has amassed one of the most impressive collection of superhero lovers in the Marvel universe. So let’s take a look at his conquests from one of my favorite series, The Incredible Hercules written by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente.
Namora, the Sub-Mariner’s Cousin
Oh, that’s Hercules’ teenage sidekick, Amadeus Cho. He’s also the 7th smartest person in the world. But Cho’s not really the focus of this article. Let’s jump ahead to the sexy god stuff.
Because we’re not reading Catwoman, you’re not going to see any sexual proof and you’re just going to have to use context clues to figure it out. Cover your kids’ ears. Spoiler alert: They did it. Here’s the post-coital hot tub cuddling:
But comics are comics and that means that if there isn’t an explosion or alien attack every few pages, the comic’s never going to sell. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. So Hercules and Namora get attacked with a missile.
Unfortunately, there love can never be. You see, Namora loves another man. He also smells like salt water and fish. Yes, it’s incestuous. During the battle with the Amazons, Hercules and Namora scramble to grab an urn that reveals their deepest wishes. Yeah, it happens.
Do you know who that handsome pointy-eared man is? It’s Namor, the king of Atlantis, Namora’s cousin, and one time lover of a giant sea worm. What sound does the heart of a god make when it breaks? Though to be fair, it’s mostly Hercules’ fault.
By the way, have you ever heard of the Canadian superhero team?
Snowbird, Member of Alpha Flight
Turns out Canada has their own group of Avengers, called Alpha Flight. They fight snowstorms and irradiated caribou or whatever. I don’t really follow them. But one of their members, Snowbird, once hooked up with our hero.
She’s not drunk or anything, that’s just how people in comic books cry. This is halfway through this particular arc and things haven’t gone well. The poor girl needs a broad, hairy shoulder to cry on.
See? Hercules’ may consist entirely of a sash, but he’s not so stupid not to consider the feelings of his suitor. Also, the dog in a wheelchair watching is a secret alien hiding in the body of Cho’s beloved pet. But you probably guessed that.
Mission complete. Snowbird feels better, Hercules gets another notch on his bedpost, and the pervert dog alien rolls away unseen. Let’s move on. Or back a few thousand years.
Hippolyta, Amazonian Royalty
Hercules tends to be immortal, being a god and all. Want to hear a story from the good ol’ days?
If this seems like a sad ending, wipe away your tears. Sure, Hera isn’t remotely kind to Zeus’ bastard child, but Hippolyta reveals herself as super evil and almost destroys the world. And Hercules can do better than crazy supervillains. Though, it doesn’t stop him from trying.
Alflyse, Queen of the Dark Elves
Hercules and his father Zeus (resurrected as a child), travel to Asgard for their next mission. To defeat and conquer the evil queen, Hercules has to exploit his least refined skill: espionage. Y’know, by dressing up as Thor and laying the smackdown. Except for one small problem:
He may have the strength of a hundred men, but he has the willpower of none.
Thor and Hercules have quite a bit in common, even excluding the whole immortal powerful god thing. No one enjoys brawling more than those two. Maybe Wolverine. Both of their fathers have created trouble in their lives. Hercules and Thor both have a reputation of bedroom prowess. Though, the god of thunder wouldn’t make this mistake:
Oops. How do you solve a problem like this? Did you guess the real Thor dressed as Hercules battles the real Hercules dressed as Thor? I hope so. No bad blood spilled between drinking buddies. Also you know how when you’re really good at something, you can use that skill to get out of unfavorable resolutions?
Let that be a lesson. Write that down in your notebook.
Hebe, the Goddess of Youth
Since it’s the 21st century, very few gods are running around in spandex slaying dragons. Most own corporations and control their own businesses. Olympians are nothing if not entrepreneurs. Hebe runs the receptionist desk at the Olympus Group. Oh, and she’s Hercules’ wife from three thousand years ago.
Hercules has many heroic traits, but monogamy isn’t one of them. That and Hercules and Hebe never got divorced. Still, he’s a man with emotions. Like jealousy.
I don’t deny that many times Spider-Man deserves to be punched across a restaurant. That guy has a mouth on him. Though he probably didn’t deserve that one. And the resulting Hercules/Spider-Man fight goes about as well as the above panels.
Regardless, the hairy, angry god may be an oaf, but he’s a super lovable oaf. Despite Hercules’ numerous infidelities, thousands of years of no contact, and smashing the nice boy Hebe was just talking to, can he talk his way back into her heart?
Sparks reignited! Lovers reunited! Their romance reigns eternal! Though they break up a few issues later. And Hercules is killed. But other than that, all the previous sentences apply.
At his funeral, the proper respects are paid. The man’s legend will live on.
Luckily the mourning period is short. Hercules had a brief series called Herc last year where fought the Hobgoblin and other cool supervillains. I know he’s not as popular as some of the others, but everything he’s in is totally worth a read. You need more proof? You’re very hard to please.
You’re welcome.
The delightful Fantastic Four
Posted: 06/21/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been significantly violent. Let’s do something lighter.
You must know of the superhero family the Fantastic Four. Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic), the smartest person in the Marvel universe with a body made of rubber. Sue Richards (Invisible Woman), Reed’s wife who turns invisible and manipulates force fields. Johnny Storm (Human Torch), Sue’s brother and living fire/playboy. Ben Grimm (Thing), the lovable rock monster with a thick New York accent. They outted themselves to the public long ago, happily living in the super lab/skyscraper Baxter Building. Also, Reed and Sue’s kids aren’t slouches either. Valeria has the same brain smarts as her father and Franklin can alter reality. Fancy stuff. Now you’re caught up.
Shall we check in on the Fantastic Four?
Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman
Being the smartest person in the world gives you far less free time than you think. He has to juggle all the responsibilities of creating new technology and saving the world alongside spending quality time with his wife and children. Reed’s not terribly good at balancing that. So despite Sue not being the smartest person in the world, she has a genius idea of her own:
Who’s Namor you ask? He’s the shirtless king of Atlantis and member of the X-Men. Also, this royal has had a major crush on the Inivsible Woman for decades and doesn’t really worry about stuff like husbands or boyfriends. Fortunately, Reed’s not above jealousy.
Don’t think Sue’s being unfair. Entire Fantastic Four stories have been devoted to how badly Reed ignores his responsibilities as a family man. But let’s be realistic here. You don’t get to be a super genius by being dumb. And Mr. Fantastic has a super genius solution.
See? Marital bliss!
Despite Reed’s hair, his youthful flirting and adventurous spirit never went prematurely gray. Now back to business, the microuniverse isn’t going to save itself.
The Thing
Can’t argue that’s an awful superhero name. But he’s one of the most complex and well-liked characters in the Marvel universe. Stuck as an orange rock creature, he struggles constantly between his desire for a normal life and having the power to protect his friends and family. Plus, his “It’s clobberin’ time!” catch phrase has warmed the hearts of preteens everywhere for over forty years. Oh, and did you know he’s Jewish?
Jewish superheroes certainly exist, but you don’t see a lot of faith in the comic world. The X-Man Kitty Pryde has worn a Star of David around her neck on several occasions. Magneto may not be religious, but his Judaism got him sent to a concentration camp during World War II. The X-Man Iceman is half Jewish, and no, I’m not sure which parent. But to see half an issue devoted to a religious ceremony that doesn’t end with ninjas jumping through the roof or a crazy guy in robes performing a Satanic blood ritual, that’s almost unheard of.
Though Judaism is nothing without rules, so what qualifies the Thing to have a bar mitzvah?
My favorite part of the above picture is the tiny reading glasses. Getting soaked in cosmic rays probably fixes any cataract problems. Yet bar mitzvahs take months and months of memorization, practicing, and not spending every other afternoon brawling with Galactus. Luckily, I guess it was a light half a year of invading world devourers, because all his family and buddies arrived for the big day.
Do superheroes have formal costumes? I’m glad Wolverine showed up for the Thing’s ceremony, nevertheless, I don’t think bare arms are appropriate for synagogue.
Still, you know the best part of becoming a man? Doing man things:
Sure he’s fictional, but let it be known that even street-talking rock creatures can get attractive non-rock girlfriends. All it takes is a sweet personality and the ability to lift small buildings.
However, we can’t forget the final member of the team. Let’s check in with Johnny Storm.
The Human Torch
Never mind.
Punisher (with blood!)
Posted: 06/20/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentI know why you read superhero comics. The violence, right? I don’t blame you. No one would read Spider-Man if he didn’t whack a bad guy once in a while. But the quality of the bad guy getting smacked is just as important as the hero doing the smacking. Unfortunately, that tends to be a problem with the Punisher.
Oh, his villains are horrible, terrible people who deserve everything they have coming to them. But because of the Punisher’s methods (bullets), his villains tend not to last more than an issue or two. Well, I’d like to think I have the exception. In 2004, the super genius Garth Ennis started writing Punisher Max, a comic aimed towards adults. There’s lots of violence, bad words, nudity, and not single superhero or supervillain. We see 60 year old Frank Castle gunning down the scummiest of mobsters, corrupt generals, slavers, and even white collar dudes. And it’s one of the best series I’ve ever read.
Arguably in Ennis’ Punisher Max world, only one man has been tough enough to be called the Punisher’s nemesis. Introducing Barracuda:
A giant mercenary, he fought Castle intermittently through two arcs and 300 pages. I’m going to present all their fights, almost completely without context. You want brutality in comics? Your wish is granted. Heads up, if drawings make you squeamish, you should probably go see a doctor.
Round One
So Barracuda clonks Castle on the head and stuffs him in a trunk, taking him to a rural shed to finish him off quietly. Doesn’t go as planned.
The fight strolls along for a few more pages until they crash through the shack.
Oops, maybe Barracuda should have “axed” him for a break. I’m sorry, that was disgusting. Anyway, watch for the barbed wire strangulation coming up next. Who says there’s no creativity left in comics?
The first fight goes to Barracuda. The Punisher got a few good hits in though, right? Castle escapes, but you can read that for yourself. Oh, did you see that drug dealer hostage tied up in the background during the fight in the shed? Want to know what happens to him?
That’s just the Punisher taking a “bite” out of crime. I apologize, I won’t do this anymore. With all loose ends tied up, let’s move on to the second fight.
Intermission
Did you know the Punisher has friends? Well, not really friends but people who owe him favors? Unfortunately, appearing in a Punisher Max issue cuts down life expectancy tremendously.
Could you hear that haunting prediction over how loud Barracuda’s shirt is? Remember it for twenty pictures down the road.
Round Two
They begin their fight in another abandoned building, but this one is in the city.
Yes, Barracuda kidnapped a baby. Not for some sick fetish stuff or anything, but because what better way to get under the Punisher’s skin than stealing an infant? Speaking of getting under one’s skin:
One of the best reasons to read Punisher Max, besides the characterization and guns, is how wonderfully grim and noir the Punisher’s narration remains during the whole series. I know it doesn’t make sense in my select panels, but I’m just trying for an unsubtle attempt to get you to read it.
And the second fight also goes to Barracuda. Sorry. They start anew an issue or two later.
Round Three
About time the Punisher used those guns of his. They seem to be far more effective than getting within swatting range of his humongous opponent.
We get a quick, efficient fight where Castle stomps aggressively on Barracuda. The Punisher’s not a nice guy. Also this:
Look, amid bloody limbs, shark attacks, and savage beatings, I’m attempting to make this family friendly. So I blurred out the bad word. You can figure out what it’s supposed to be, you’re a smart fellow. Also, please don’t let your family read Punisher Max.
But in good news, Castle finally gets a win! Unfortunately, Barracuda is the only one who knows where the baby’s located, so that’s why he’s in an uncomfortable position. Don’t worry, because the Punisher’s going to make the guy talk. Except for one little problem.
Round Four
Dude’s a beast, you can’t argue with that. We’ve experienced a bunch of hand-to-hand in the past few rounds, but now we totally get to watch a full-on firefight. Not a bad way to change things up a bit.
Action movies always end with the hero walking away from the explosion while holding a young child. Game over.
Round Five
Guess not.
I’m not saying that the previous pictures have been G Rated, but for the next few, please cover up the eyes of all small children or pets currently sitting on your lap
Barracuda’s lucky that mercenary work pays well, because it’s going to take a small fortune in plastic surgery. The Punisher bolts as Barracuda limps towards him. We’re inching towards our finale.
Can you feel the tension? This is it, my friends! Every single word bubble and nose crunching has led to this exact moment. Who will prevail? Will it spoil it for you that this is only the ninth of ten Punisher Max arcs written by Ennis?
A poor immigrant struggles for years to earn enough money for a rickety boat ride to America. He has only a limited grasp of English and minimal skills, but he’s a hard worker who just wants to support his family. Finally, after months of rejection and poverty, an administrator takes pity on him and hires him to be a janitor at the local elementary school. The job can barely pay the bills. Many nights his children don’t get enough to eat, but he’s just happy he can earn a living and his wife is proud of him. His Sunday comes to a close, and the janitor arrives at the school the next morning just as the sun rises to prepare for the upcoming week. It won’t be hard, after all, how messy can a school possibly get over the weekend?
Time for a snow day.
But yay for the Punisher! One more bad guy off the street and not a scratch on the infant. If Castle had the ability to smile anymore, he’d be at least half scowl right now. Have a good day. Don’t commit felonies.
Captain America punches faces, Pt. 2
Posted: 06/19/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 6 CommentsIt’s Captain America day! That guy’s the best.
I went a little into Captain America’s history (real name Steve Rogers) in a previous post, so I’ll get you caught up to the point where our story begins. As you may know, Captain America was killed by a sniper bullet as the Marvel Civil War wrapped up. Very sad. His former WWII sidekick, former Russian brainwashed assassin, and former rogue super spy Bucky Barnes took over the title and costume. Because comics are comics, Rogers came back to life a few years later, and two Captain Americas aren’t really necessary. Bucky gets to keep the role and the shield while Rogers becomes the head of the government agency S.H.I.E.L.D. – basically the new Nick Fury.
For years, the Captain America comics, written beautifully by Ed Brubaker, aimed more towards cool espionage missions. Captain America isn’t backhanding dinosaurs. More of James Bond if he fought terrorists. And the miniseries Steve Rogers: Super Soldier, also written by Brubaker, is no different.
Okay, maybe more James Bond than previously thought. But what kind of comic would it be if plans didn’t go badly?
Yes, they’re giant brutes of men. But Rogers also ranks a zero on the wussy scale. He can run a mile in a minute, bench press half a ton, fought in every major battle of WWII, and is regarded as the best hand-to-hand fighter on the planet. Can the super soldier take on three ex-pro wrestlers? Yes, of course he can. He’s Captain America.
That super soldier serum, the only one of its kind in the world, flows through Rogers’ blood. He’s the absolute peak of human potential. Captain America has taken down Spider-Man in ten seconds and once defeated Iron Man with his bare fists. The guy’s a super soldier, not one or the other. Both are equally important.
But so what? Sure, it’s pretty cool to watch Rogers take down three dudes, but what’s the point of this article? The twist, my friends. Guess who get caught in a trap?
Woopsie. Remember when Captain America was a 90 pound weakling with illnesses too severe to join the army? That’s back! How’s he going to get out of this jam?
Which brings me to why I’m writing this article. Yeah, he may not be super, but he’s always going to be a soldier. And the fire in his gut that got the attention of the super soldier serum scientists in the first place? That never went away. The baddies can take away 150 pounds of muscle, but unfortunately for them, he’s still Captain America.
Compare this next fight with the brawl you witnessed in the beginning. Notice any difference? The only one I can find is that in the second fight, Rogers isn’t wearing a shirt.
Y’see, Captain America’s origin story isn’t tragic like so many other superheroes. He sees Hitler start to conquer Europe, sees the atrocities and horrors the Nazis are inflicting, and decides to enlist to stop them. Rogers knows right and he knows wrong, and his entire belief system follows the singular idea that wrong needs a stern thumping. The character of Captain America had originally been created as a propaganda tool, but the evolution of the character since then has expanded tremendously. I say this every single time: Captain America is the heroic and moral line that all other superheroes judge themselves against. Always has been and always will be.
Most importantly, what does Captain America do to the bad guys when he gets his super soldier serum back?
He beats the crap out of them.
Batman and Catwoman fight crime, fall in love
Posted: 06/18/2012 Filed under: DC, Relationships 14 CommentsGotham City’s a busy place. Batman has little room in his schedule for stuff like a social life or happiness. Though despite his neverending, soul crushing war on crime, he gets lonely, and not just for the platonic company of flexible teenage boys. But who’s he supposed to date? He would have to constantly lie, cancel dates, and always worry about her safety. Well, what about a woman who can fit perfectly into his night time hobby? A woman who can protect herself?
Catwoman? Why, she’s purr-fect! Yes, I accept PayPal.
We should talk about her for a quick paragraph. Catwoman, real name Selina Kyle, had her origin reshaped by Frank Miller (he wrote Sin City and 300) as a prostitute with a heart of gold. She sees Batman beat up some bad guys and realizes she should learn to fight to protect the other hussies. And it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to crack a safe. Fast forward to today. She’s a master thief, skilled martial artist and has her own assortment of cat gadgets somehow hidden on that skintight costume.
Our adventure takes place in Batman: Hush, written by Jeph Loeb. Catwoman and Batman have been flirting forever, the only thing keeping them apart being Bruce Wayne’s difficult personality and Kyle’s ambiguous moral compass. Not anymore. Has Batman finally punched through the cautious and untrusting walls of his heart?
What melodrama you think! Bruce Wayne’s a player! He’s dated every socialite in Gotham – and before they get blown up or kidnapped! Yeah, Wayne has, but this isn’t Wayne we’re talking about. It’s Batman.
An argument frequently brought up by comic book fans remains which identity is the real one? Does Bruce Wayne hide his identity as Batman or does Batman pretend to be Bruce Wayne? I’m more in the latter camp. He dates models for that fake playboy image, but with Catwoman? He means it. Finally.
While Batman may not be the greatest boyfriend, don’t forget that Catwoman has some emotional hang ups of her own.
Look, Batman’s not a delicate flower or anything, but he did just expose his vulnerability by expressing affection for another human being. And Batman never does that. Though Kyle is a strong, independent woman who’s not going to be bossed around by a man in a giant bat costume. And to be fair, she’s right. Have you detected an upcoming theme?
We skip to Metropolis, where the two have arrived to capture Poison Ivy.
Wouldn’t make a good story without an impossible obstacle for our hero to overcome. C’mon, Poison Ivy has cool plant powers, but how tough can she possibly be? Besides actual proof that Catwoman cares for Batman, what reason would actually make Kyle worry? Nonchalant’s her middle name.
Oh, that reason. Batman versus the Poison Ivy-possessed Superman is one of the best fights between the two I’ve ever read. You have to read the book to find out though.
If you’ve read a lot of Batman comics, you may know that Catwoman isn’t the only woman capable of fighting alongside Batman. So why her? Why not Zatanna or Talia al Ghul? Because:
When you find that special lady who hates crime as much as you do, hold onto her.
Unfortunately, for as fast and nimble as Kyle is, she didn’t spend a decade traveling around Europe training under the finest martial artists and ninjas in the world. Y’know, like Batman did. Hush is 12 issues long, so I’m skipping a bunch of context and plot, but after Harley Quinn and Joker attack the opera, Catwoman gets injured.
Yes, she’s not some kid. Because he’s not attracted to kids, unlike what some political organizations want you to think. More importantly, her catty (sorry) behavior has a simple explanation: for this relationship to work, she has to be treated as an equal. Not just as a girlfriend, but as a superhero. I promise you Batman isn’t cradling a bleeding Green Lantern in his arms. She’s spent her entire life proving she doesn’t need anyone’s help and being seen as the damsel in distress hits a nerve.
Well, Batman needs his eyes to beat up bad guys, so he leaves to pursue the Joker. And in Batman’s fragile mental state, maybe it’s time to finally settle this Joker matter.
Y’see, Catwoman knows the slippery slope. Speaking of which, want to know why you shouldn’t date someone who punches for a living?
I’m just saying your boyfriend wouldn’t smack you in your open wound. You know how many diamonds it’s going to take for Kyle to get over this? Wayne’s lucky he’s a billionaire. But besides using his ninja arts on his old lady, he really does care about her. I promise.
And how does he prove that? How could Wayne show Catwoman that he sees her as an equal? That he loves her? You know who dates a lot? Nightwing. What’s his advice?
Oh yeah, forgot to mention that while Batman knows Kyle’s name, address, social security number and whatever else, Catwoman hasn’t the faintest idea of Batman’s identity. Now I’m no Dear Abby, but maybe the first step in a successful relationship is both people knowing each other’s names. Get ready for a pillar of panels.
So what happens now? Crimefighter babies? At least a tour of the bat cave.
Yup, happy ending. The two solve mysteries, patrol the city, make love while dodging bat guano. Family portraits, family Christmas cards, family waterpark trips. No, of course not.
Batman holds the title of world’s greatest detective. That comes with a flash flood of distrust. The first Robin left Batman because Batman didn’t trust him, and that’s after nearly a decade of the two being around each other almost 24/7. Wayne has some issues he needs to work through.
But he showed her his secret identity! He let her into his life! He hit her bloody shoulder! Look, Batman and Catwoman have known and flirted with each other for roughly fifteen comic book years at this point. Wayne’s close to middle aged and Kyle pushed past 30 a long time ago. And then finally he reveals his identity. Then he lets her into the underground cave. Then he’s actually sorry he beat her up. Catwoman’s not stupid. She tried, but if it took that long for Batman to let his guard down, it’ll take another decade and a half for him to be ready for an open and honest relationship. She’s far from a perfect girlfriend, but the unfortunate truth is that Batman’s way worse.
Luckily, this story does end with something that is rarely seen in Batman comics. Something that shows Batman has grown as a person and a superhero.
Yup, optimism. Pretty sweet, huh?
Hulk-ing around
Posted: 06/17/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsThe article title is misleading. No Hulk talk here, instead we’re going to follow around his alter-ego Bruce Banner.
With the Hulk becoming intelligent in the past few years, what’s the point of Banner except as a crutch? Sure, Banner may be just a spindly scientist, but it’s important to remember that he’s also a genius. And I mean genius. As in officially the fourth smartest person in the world. Like Reed Richards and Tony Stark smart.
After World War Hulk, Bammer runs around with his hippie Hulk son that he fathered on the gladiator planet. Because the Red Hulk absorbs all of normal Hulk’s radiation, Banner can’t turn into the Hulk. Yeah, comics. Norman Osborn, in charge of a SHIELD-esque organization, wants to kill Banner. Who needs the Hulk anymore? Cue Dark Reign – The List: Hulk, written by Greg Pak.
Meet Victoria Hand. Despite her unprofessional haircut, she’s Osborn’s right hand man. Who compromised the state of the art security systems? Yessir, Banner has a big ol’ brain.
Ever hear of Bannertech? Of course you haven’t. He’s too busy running from the military in tiny ghost towns to properly market and sell his self-made technology. Also, look again. He’s doing everything from an iPod.
Introducing baby Hulk. His name’s Skaar and like most Hulks, he’s unpleasant, violent, and frequently pissed off. With Banner’s technology and Skaar’s giant sword, victory goes to the good guys. Yay.
But this is the intro to our story. You want to see the nerdiest scientist ever created kick some butt? Of course you do. Unfortunately, we’re going to need some backstory to fully appreciate all the webs spun behind the scenes.
If you’ve read World War Hulk, you know that Skaar didn’t come to the planet Earth at the same time as his father and his army. He arrived later, angry (surprise) and aiming to kill the Hulk. It’s not really important why. But as you saw, Hulk isn’t around. Sadly for revenge’s sake, Banner’s running around devoid of his inner green rage monster. Look, comics are based around the status quo. Everything always goes back to the way it was. Sure, it may take years, but because comic books are a business, Banner’s going to obviously become the Hulk again. Skaar, unable to break the fourth wall but realizes it anyway, figures if he just tags along with Banner on his adventures, puny dad’s going to have to turn back into the green dad sooner or later. Then he can enact his revenge/happy ending.
Anyway, round two of Banner vs. Osborn’s lackey.
Probably not a good idea to take a plane. Y’know, because Banner already proved he can overrride machines and whatnot.
Told you. Though I have no idea what virus can dismantle the glue holding the plane together. I don’t know how planes are built.
I know the problem of comic book technology is the same as comic book magic. It can do literally anything the writer wants it to do. But who cares? Makes it more fun. Oh, so Ms. Hand has a few tricks of her own. And by tricks I mean missiles.
In this technological chess game, Banner has totally field goal’d her bishops with his Zune. I don’t know chess. Though c’mon, Ms. Hand has a red streak in her hair – she’s spontaneous and dangerous!
By the way, the crazy time slowing bubble tech? Never seen again. Which is too bad, because that is some crazy overpowered weapon. Even with Banner putting gun jamming nanoparticulates in the area, how can he possibly get out of this situation? Well, Banner is a tech genius, and what’s the coolest technology of them all?
You’re absolutely right: more missiles. Sure, Mark Ruffalo drove a motorcycle, but can he make stuff explode with his mp3 player?
What happened to Skaar? He was fighting that spandex lady. It’s not a long fight, you can read the issue. Eventually the Hulk family gets away and they debrief the way only a Hulk family could.
The two hug and make s’mores. The end.
Arousing Grammar 