The love story of Iceman & Mystique, Pt. 3

While Iceman has had his heart broken once and then stomped on a second time by Mystique, don’t think this X-Man hangs his head alone each night as a single tear drips (and then freezes) down his cheek.  Bobby Drake — who is a thirty year-old man still going by the name Bobby — has had quite a fair amount of lovers and girlfriends.  Today, he attacks all of them, but we’ll get to that. In Astonishing X-Men #62-65, written by Majorie Liu and drawn by Gabriel Hernandez Walta, Iceman currently dates Kitty Pryde.  She’s way out of his league.

But the title of the article includes Iceman and Mystique, so what’s she up to nowadays?

Mystique only takes baths because she was born before showers were invented.  Look, this arc doesn’t focus solely on our two former lovers.  Mystique only contains a part of the story that leads up to character development through the influences of his ex-girlfriends.  But unlike Kitty, Opal, Lorna, and Annie — his other flames — only our shapeshifting supervillain knows when something’s wrong. After all, she’s instigated these sorts of situations for decades.

While the next scene doesn’t really advance the narrative, you want to see Mystique fight Gambit?

Tentacles are new to Mystique, I know.  She had some power boosts recently.  But something is wrong with Iceman, and at least she’s making an effort to correct this problem.  Probably more so she doesn’t get attacked in the bathtub again than out of genuine affection for the X-Man, but let’s be fair — Bobby’s morals rest squarely in the category of superheroes that don’t ambush naked ex-girlfriends from a shower drain.

Notice the harsh words our dear Bobby uses?  If you can’t tell something’s off, you will now:

So a month ago, the X-Men fought some Celestials (giant alien gods?) and a shard of Apocalypse went missing.  You can probably guess where it is.  Y’see, because while Beast, a man of eloquent speech and even more eloquent science, fights the good fight to save and protect mankind, his alternative dimension supervillain self — creatively titled Dark Beast — tends to do the opposite.  Like shoving a shard of pure evil into Iceman’s frozen chest.

Now, Mystique is tough.  She can take damage far beyond that of normal people, but she’s by no means invulnerable.  And even with her flailing tentacle powers, she doesn’t stand a chance of beating Iceman, much less evil huge Iceman.  But her strengths have always lied in manipulation and deceit. Her words hold far more power than any gun or laser beam, and her patience borders on legendary. Why not let the stronger people do all the heavy lifting until opportunity arises?  Watch her brilliance:

If you read the dialogue again, Mystique tells not one lie.  She just meshes easier with supervillains, which currently describes huge winged Iceman.  Though dear Mystique has the same personality mishaps that all Marvel characters possess, at least her desires never change.  She only wants one thing: everything.

Oh, and the big guns get called in to deal with this chilly problem.

And witness Apocalypse Shard Mystique:

Y’see, she told Iceman the truth right from the very beginning.  She didn’t want him, she wanted what he had — namely that piece of Apocalypse power he had lodged in his chest.  When Thor eventually emerges victorious and shatters our antagonist, Mystique seizes her chance.  And then gets beaten. But more importantly, she allows Iceman to embrace that side of his personality he suppressed since childhood.  Supervillainy is all the joy and none of the moral responsibility.

Since this moment, the two haven’t had any significant interactions.  I’m sure they will again one day, but we know which line Bobby chooses.  Despite a terrible youth, being hated by his own country, and accidentally destroying the lives of hundreds of people, Iceman will always be a hero.  We love superheroes because we admire those that rise up from adversity even as it’s kicking them on the ground.  But you know what we love more?  When superheroes rise up from that adversity in giant ice monster combat.

The love story of Iceman & Mystique, Pt. 2

The love part of our story has long since ended.  The two aren’t so much exes as bitter, vengeful monsters that prey on trust to deliver fatal emotional blows.  Well, the blue one anyway.  Today, we check out X-Men: Manifest Destiny #1-5, written by Mike Carey and drawn by Michael Ryan, that forces us to recall when Mystique delicately placed neural inhibitors in her lady parts to defeat Iceman a few issues later.  His problem’s flaring up again, like a robot STD.

At least this time Iceman has a loving and caring girlfriend by his side.  It’s a delicate time in his life to be eradicating Mystique residue from his body (and memories), but what could go wrong here? Certainly not months of planned relationship building serving only to heighten the sharp pain of another broken heart, right?

He doesn’t deserve this.  But you know the whole deal with supervillains — even their good intentions are caked in murder, deception, and trauma.  And by good intentions, I mean to turn their targets into unfeeling lying murderers.  Mystique, despite being born in the late 1800s, still hasn’t evolved past that idea.  Anyway, Iceman survives, though not for much longer at this rate.

What’s she want with him?  Something villainous to pass the time mainly, but she does claim all this nonsense and life-ruining in the name of science.  Unwilling and non-consensual science.

Over the past decade or so, Iceman has evolved into a phenomenal powerhouse.  He’s practically invulnerable, able to splinter himself into different bodies, and may very well qualify as a top level Omega mutant.  Y’know, the mutants with unimaginable power like Jean Grey, Vulcan, Franklin Richards, etc.  She’s attempting to either callously push Bobby Drake to his full potential or kill off a man she showed weakness in front of.  Either one fits her usual M.O.

Oh, he also survives the syringe.

It’s probably not a good strategy to rely on Mystique tapping into her sentimentality.  She’s legitimately a psychopath, and no amount of nostalgia or good vibes will allow her to release the trigger.  But remember that whole thing about Iceman being crazy powerful?

Iceman follows a fairly standard Marvel personality protocol: despite amazing superpowers, superheroes’ biggest enemies usually ends up being themselves.  Self-loathing, guilt, anger, mistrust, doubt, etc.  Mystique figures she could give Iceman that confidence he so sorely needs.  It’s what has held back his powers for all those years and allows him to keep his frustrated school boy persona.  Iceman may be many things, but mature isn’t one of them.

Luckily, growth takes baby steps, and their final confrontation of today gives Iceman that tiny victory. Oh, Mystique called in a bomb threat over a San Francisco bridge.  She’s a flirt.

Look, no matter what the nursery rhyme says, words hurt.  Sometimes far more than ice beams and gun shots can.  Because while Mystique leaves this fight physically unharmed, Bobby unleashes a kung fu blast right in her cold, dead heart.

Luckily, if you agree with Iceman’s diagnosis, then you experienced a delightful burst of character development for our shapeshifting supervillain.  If you believe Iceman’s talking out his butt, that’s fine too; it’s only his opinion and not the opinion of Marvel or any of the wildly angry fans that yell from YouTube videos — though personally, I agree with Iceman.  And that brief moment of revenge she promises?  That’s for Monday.

The love story of Iceman & Mystique, Pt. 1

It’ll be three parts total, but only today will have the romance and passion that comes from a comic book relationship.  Superheroes fall in love so much harder and so much faster than us real-life folks. Maybe the DC and Marvel universes exists entirely inside an Axe Body Spray commercial.  Though definitely try to enjoy today, as the rest of the week consists mostly of disillusion, brokenhearted resentment, and uppercuts.

We’ll see the entire span of the Iceman and Mystique relationship using pieces of X-Men #189-203, written by Mike Carey and drawn by Chris Bachalo & Humberto Ramos.  Before you question Iceman’s judgement (and you will), Mystique currently has full X-Men membership.  Redemption can be romantic.

Definitely a more attractive way to save someone’s life than CPR.  Mystique grew up in the Victorian age, but she can still seduce men a fourth of her age.  Thus the two bond the basic superhero way: combat banter.

The suspense/their growing love includes all sorts of wildly sappy moments.  It’s as if you’re getting slammed over the head with a bat full of basic cable teen dramas.

Crazy dramatization.  I’ve read this page three or four times and I still have no idea what point she’s making — I think she’s trying to justify child abuse.  Either way, after the emotional vulnerability, their relationship can finally proceed to the inevitable climax.  And one more insanely soap operatic monologue.

Do you feel uncomfortable?  Me too.  Oh, and y’know how Mystique uses deception as her go-to strategy?  It also applies to her atonement.

Honestly, I can’t root for the idea of Mystique shoving neural inhibitors up her privates to defeat Iceman a few issues later.  It’s gross and unnerving and says far more about Mystique than any previous villainous plot has.  But just like She-Hulk sleeping with Juggernaut, so too must the wheel of bad superhero hookups never stop spinning.

We end today with the couple’s final scene in the arc a few issues later.  It’s just as emasculating and somewhat touching as you expect it.

Tony Stark should have released a PSA years ago about the dangers of shacking up with supervillains.  Iceman could have been saved this whole ordeal.  On Wednesday, he gets closure.