Spider-Man’s sidekick Virtue, Pt. 2
Posted: 07/03/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsLet’s finish our story! Last we left off, Ethan Edwards (Virtue) had his identity shown to the world because he didn’t do stuff like wear a mask or not look directly at a camera. But just as the cluster of problems began, Spider-Man received a phone call. Turns out the Fantastic Four discovered Edwards’ true origin story.
Well? Where is it from? Behold as Superman’s parody has his birthing get a brand new twist.
So far, so good, right? Planets explode or get eaten by world devourers all the time. Though I still don’t think the most feared being in the galaxy should wear a tunic. When your world is doomed and you happen to have a sphere spaceship just big enough for an infant, what would you do? Absolutely ship that child away. In your dying breath, you know that you have given your baby a chance at peace and happiness. Feels good, right?
Except notice a special word? Yessir, conquer. Virtue’s people plan to swarm the planet and create monuments of the good ol’ days when their planet wasn’t eaten by evil beings who don’t wear pants. What shapeshifting Marvel alien species would do such a horrible thing?
Surprise! Ethan Edwards is a Skrull! Not only that, the brother of the original Super-Skrull. Why are the Fantastic Four nervous about this revelation? Well, supervillain Super-Skrull, because of his bioengineering, has the powers of the entire foursome. Also, he wants to conquer the world for his fellow Skrull people.
Skrulls are a complicated, confusing alien race that the Celestials (space gods) evolved from reptiles millions of years ago. They had wars, broke into different factions, and eventually united under an emperor and governors spread out over almost a thousand planets. Secret Invasion, a big Marvel event, revolved around the Skrulls trying to conquer Earth. But back to Edwards.
The difference as we see, is that Virtue’s upbringing as a God-fearing farm boy gives him none of the sneaky ruling impulses that characterize his people. Still super crazy though. Oh, and new costume with a shark fin hat.
The Skrulls wouldn’t implement some sort of mind controlling device inside the space sphere to awaken Virtue to his true mission and purpose, right?
You’ve read enough comics or movies or TV shows to know the best way to break a dude out of mind control, right? Did you say sentimentality? I guess that or blows to the head.
Why do crazy people wear aluminum foil hats? Obviously so they don’t get transmitted a ton of information/mind attacked from whatever conspiracy they’re paranoid of that week. Edwards forgot to wear his hat.
He flies back to New York City, because this is a Spider-Man title.
What bigger issues you ask? Well, turns out our friend Edwards has some doubts about his origin. Y’know, something that’s going to trigger a fight between him and the web-slinger. Also, while I haven’t personally experienced this, it must suck to believe you got your powers from God when you’re actually an evil alien readying your home to serve on a silver platter to your overlords.
In his anger and frustration, he serves up some beatdown to the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four live. They’re still in Iowa or something. Oh, and Spider-Man’s buddies arrive.
When punching doesn’t work, elderly aunts and their rationality superpower will save the day. Edwards’ upbringing instilled in him by his parents isn’t something to count out. Because he’s not a supervillain and doesn’t have the moral ambiguity to become one. Sometimes, a little reminder can go a long way. Like not breaking Captain’s America’s face.
Rarely do fights end on such a sweet note. Though most fights do end with a flush supply of battered heroes. With that, Virtue’s story comes to an end. Oh, you want one final twist?
Exciting, right? Unfortunately, you don’t see Virtue starring in any comics anymore. He appears in the New Avengers and Avengers Annual #1 as part of a superhero team who wants to take out the Avengers, but he’s a minor character at best. Though luckily he still wears the leather in those. Also, have you thought about Jesus? He gives Skrulls healing powers.
Spider-Man’s sidekick Virtue, Pt. 1
Posted: 07/02/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentThe movie comes out today, so let’s do a Spider-Man article! Also, I’m always looking for an excuse to do a Spider-Man article – he’s simply delightful.
This story first appears in Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #13 through #18, written by Reginald Hudlin. Poor Peter Parker just got fired from his day job as a high school science teacher. The same Parker who created web fluid as a teenager, can follow Mr. Fantastic’s invention descriptions, and married actual supermodel Mary Jane Watson. Alas, a constant theme in Spider-Man’s life is that his costumed persona interferes with his potential as a civilian, always keeping him underutilized in society. Fortunately, starting in the Spider-Man arc Big Time about a year or two ago, Parker gets employed as a super scientist in a super scientist laboratory.
Back to his penniless days, his paycheck will have to come from the one man he knows he can count on for abuse/money. He bumps into a new reporter on the way into J. Jonah Jameson’s office and our story begins here.
Notice anything familiar? Did you say a Superman parody? And trust me, this is a parody, because Ethan Edwards has only appeared in eight comic book issues total. But besides a good time, this arc demonstrates the absurdity of Superman’s secret identity in the Marvel universe.
Look, we know that glasses don’t disguise anybody. The readers and writers have an understanding that because Superman was created 70 years ago, we have to suspend our disbelief for the sake of storytelling. I mean, the DC universe’s greatest superhero took up until last year to finally wear his underwear inside his pants – we can handle that Clark Kent’s nearsightedness fogs up everyone’s Superman/Clark Kent epiphany. But not in the Marvel universe. They’re all edgy or something.
In a neat little twist, Edwards has one more personality trait sorely lacking from most superheroes.
The religious thing, not the healing. Anyway, in a shocking twist, the two head to a news story when a bad guy attacks the city! Spider-Man certainly shows up to save the day, but who is this mysterious new superhero?
Nope, that’s not the leader of a train robbers gang. Can you guess the identity of this stranger? Of course you can. Also, he called Spider-Man Peter, which happens to be his biggest pet peeve after high school bullies.
You know the best part of new characters? Origin stories! How did Edwards become New York’s newest superhero? Are you sitting down? Buckled in? Get ready, this will shock you.
Any lack of doubt to the Superman comparison has been completely wiped out. Throw in brown hair and less religious talk, and Edwards has just married a sassy reporter, punched a bald billionaire, and teamed up with Batman. While not the world’s greatest detective, Spider-Man possesses enough sense to realize that maybe Edwards should be tested, in case his powers come from being Magneto’s secret love child or born on an Indian burial ground. Who do you go to when you need testing? The world’s smartest man, of course.
Oh, and finally I can call him Virtue. Edwards is a terrible name for a superhero. Oh, Virtue’s powers?
Want to know Virtue’s actual past? Too bad, I have more story to tell first.
Kind of nice that Spider-Man gets a crime fighting buddy, right? I mean, Daredevil is a terrible conversationalist, the Punisher ain’t up Spider-Man’s moral alley, the Human Torch’s busy with the Fantastic Four, and Wolverine spends most of his time at the Avengers tower hitting on Mary Jane. Virtue may be a crazy enigma, but they work together at the Daily Bugle and Edwards needs to kill some time. Perfect combination for a sidekick. Y’know, except for one tiny problem.
Don’t worry, Virtue’s got this.
Oops. I read once that Clark Kent’s secret involves not only glasses, but also bad posture and he raises his voice an octave. So as you can tell, Edwards made some big mistakes by not being a hunchback. No worries, Virtue can fix his blunder.
Okay, I should stop being so optimistic. But most importantly, the Fantastic Four’s curiosity led them to Edwards’ space pod in the heart of Iowa. Spider-Man gets a call on his spider-phone.
We finally get the big reveal! Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow because this article’s super long already and I still have like fourteen pictures left. I can feel the suspense building.
Thor vs. Iron Man
Posted: 07/01/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 40 CommentsSince the 2006 Marvel comics event Civil War up till just a year or two ago, Tony Stark hasn’t been terribly well-liked in the Marvel universe. This isn’t some sort of Spider-Man public menace charade. No, he deserved it. Essentially, he became The Man, holding down superheroes who didn’t trust or forcibly side with the government, which is pretty much all of them. Also, his team went up against Captain America’s, and any team the captain sides with will always be the good guys.
Oh, but you know who missed the entire Civil War event? Yes, the Hulk, but that’s a different story. I’m talking about Thor. Sure, Iron Man cloned Thor using his DNA and had the clone fight Captain America’s underground Avengers, but the actual Asgardian was occupied with other matters. Like being dead.
Luckily, gods don’t stay deceased for very long and Thor, wanting to bring his homeland and all his friends killed in Ragnarok back to life (he had a busy year), warped the entire city of Asgard to rural Oklahoma. Well, if you know anything about zoning laws, the government isn’t terribly thrilled. And to be fair, Thor didn’t fill out a single piece of paperwork. So in Thor #3, written by the phenomenal J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Olivier Coipel, Stark pays his buddy a visit. It’s a bad idea.
You know who’s not big on small talk? Nordic thunder gods.
The second half of the 2000s tended to go with themes of distrust, betrayal, and ruined friendships. The Civil War split the superhero community into two, Secret Invasion followed with the premise that any superhero at any time could be an evil shapeshifting Skrull. Dark Reign after that had Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin) as the sadistic leader of national security with the American government mostly under his control. Siege and the Heroic Age debuting in 2010 finally stopped pitting superheroes against other superheroes, which was a welcome change of pace. But this story we’re reading now takes place right smack in the middle of this moral ambiguity mess. Lucky us.
Spoiler alert: he says no.
In the superhero community, words never solve problems. Solutions always come down to fists, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But despite what the movies say, in the comic books Thor severely outpowers Iron Man. The thunder god has Hulk-level strength, probably the strongest electrical superpowers in the Marvel universe, and can take blows for hours. But Stark is much smarter, far sneakier, and possesses technology that can do miracles. As long as Iron Man doesn’t get into a fistfight or charge Thor, he could possibly come out on top.
Okay, maybe I’m wrong. One could make an argument that Thor is the Superman of Marvel – not in terms of moral code or a symbolic nature, but in terms of sheer toughness. And unfortunately, Thor has no weakness to kryptonite or frost giants or whatever. So you know when I said Stark shouldn’t charge the god of thunder?
Iron Man can lift up to 100 tons, possibly more if he wanted, but Thor could push the moon. In the Iron Man comics, Stark usually wins because of a technological epiphany or careful planning ahead. Maybe a secret weapon or virus or power dampener or something. So how does one take out Stark, the man who has a doohickey for every scenario and possible attack? Easy. A combination of impossible levels of strength and a swift, precise brutality. Write that down in your notebook for the bullies at school.
Battle over. What’s my prize, you ask? Have you ever wanted to see a scary, threatening Thor?
As politically connected as Iron Man has become, he still has a buttload of politicians, generals, magicians, etc. to answer to, and if you’ve ever seen old men in positions of powers, they don’t react well to failure. And Stark failed. Badly. But he’s still one of the smartest men in the world, and that doesn’t just include engineering. Besides Nick Fury, Iron Man may know more political loopholes and maneuvering than any other superhero in the country. You don’t get to run a trillion dollar corporation without knowing how to get around laws and restrictions.
Yay, problem solved! Only loss is Stark’s billion dollar suit and a relationship that can no longer be mended over a goblet of mead.
You see? Sure, the fight has a clear winner and loser, but our hearts are torn asunder regardless. Luckily, superheroes are now back to fighting supervillains, because at least at the end of those fights, one of them smiles.
Luke Cage & Jessica Jones get married
Posted: 06/28/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 5 CommentsOur theme this week seems to be super sad endings, so let’s close out today with something happy.
Luke Cage premiered in 1972, as a street tough youth who was jailed for a crime he didn’t commit. I know, fictional police and lawyers are really awful at their jobs. There, he was subjected to a science experiment that gave him super strength and unbreakable skin. So like knives or bullets can’t penetrate his body. Realizing he needs to make some money, he starts Heroes for Hire, a superhero team that will help you out as long as you can afford them. Also, his first costume looked like this:
Tiara, silk shirt open to his navel, and a motorcycle chain as a belt. Let’s not beat around the bush – he started out as a blaxsploitation superhero. I’d like to show you his earliest comics, but they border on racist. Over time, he evolved into one of most reliable, likable, and toughest superheroes, even serving as the leader of the Thunderbolts and New Avengers. And most importantly, now his outfit is just a t-shirt and jeans.
Jessica Jones is another matter entirely. She’s the hard-drinking, chain-smoking, former Avenger private eye with a mouth that prevents most of her panels from being used in this article. Jones was first introduced in the comic Alias in 2001, written by Brian Michael Bendis. Alias printed under the MAX comic line, aimed at adults but still very much within the Marvel universe. You’d be looking for quite a while to find a character with more self-loathing and latent anger than Jones. Plus, many of her comics look like this:
Long story short with no spoilers, she used to be the bubbly superhero Jewel, who after an accident gained a little super strength and flight. After a horrific encounter with a horrific supervillain, she’s significantly scarred both physically and psychologically. So she quits the superhero business. But after a few flings with Cage, the two finally have the heart-to-heart talk they’ve desperately needed for 28 issues.
Cage doesn’t often spill his feelings (never), and for a man with unbreakable skin to expose his heart (sorry), please understand this is a fantastic moment. But oh, it gets better.
With that, the two officially become a couple. Fast forward a year or so later and baby Danielle (named after Iron Fist Danny Rand) sprung forth healthy and a welcome part of the Cage/Jones family. All that’s missing in their relationship is one final act of commitment:
No, not that.
I said not that.
I’m talking about the title of the article and the whole reason we picked up New Avengers Annual #1, also written by Brian Michael Bendis. Because honestly, only Luke Cage can handle the sweeping mood changes and ferocity of the feisty Jessica Jones. So let’s get right to the heart of the article – no more need to waste time.
Don’t let the celebratory nature of these panels distract you from the fact that Wolverine used a traditional Yiddish phrase.
I’m inclined to mention that in the pictures up to this point, Jessica hasn’t appeared terribly lovable. Trust me, she’s definitely a mess. The whole focus of Alias and the follow up series The Pulse followed her major insecurities and crippling emotional issues. But she’s absolutely worth the mountain of a man she’s marrying. And the wedding itself will prove it.
See? Luke Cage helped her put the drunken, masochistic lifestyle behind and allowed her to embrace the joy and tranquility she hasn’t experienced in years. I promise you have a happy ending. To this day, the two are still married, still in love, and neither one has turned out to be a Skrull, android, or Russian spy. Feels good, right?
While the infant hasn’t developed any superpowers, it’s really only a matter of time. Wait five years and a rugged, time-traveling Danielle Cage will burst through some dimensional gate to help the Avengers take down Thanos or Dormammu or whoever. But for now, let’s enjoy the simple moments. Moments that let us forget Luke Cage ever wore a tiara.
Batgirl goes clubbing
Posted: 06/27/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 6 CommentsThe Batman family’s crowded. The Dark Knight has fought alongside a half dozen Robins, Batgirls, and other vigilantes like Huntress, Manhunter, and Azrael. Even Bruce Wayne shared the Batman costume with at least two others. So Gotham has a few dozen superheroes running around at all times, yet it’s still the most dangerous city in the country. To be fair, Superman protects Metropolis while moving at the speed of light with the strength to lift the moon, whereas Huntress patrols Gotham with a motorcycle and a crossbow. Maybe Batman’s hometown needs a few more superheroes than other major DC cities. Luckily, the need for a gigantic quantity of Bat people gave us Barbara Gordon, the first Batgirl.
Barbara’s the daughter of Commissioner Jim Gordon, the chain-smoking mustachioed policeman that Batman trust over all other civilian. She first appeared in 1967, with the goal of using her as a tool to attract more female fans. Over time, Barbara became a technological genius, a high-skilled martial artist, and Dick Grayson’s (the first Robin) main love interest. But because she’s a Bat, she suffers from the Batcurse – an inability to have a good time. Fortunately in The Brave and the Bold #33 written by the genius J. Michael Straczynski, superheroes Zatanna and the Wonder Woman have a plan to fix that.
I covered Wonder Woman at the beginning of the week, but I should probably do a brief paragraph on Zatanna in case you don’t know about her.
It’s not easy to fight crime in fishnets and a top hat, but to be fair to her, she makes her living as a stage magician. Also, she sort of cheats, because she’s an actual magician. Her superpower lets her cast spells by reciting them backwards. And because she uses comic book magic, her spells can do whatever she wants to whoever she wants whenever she wants it. Plus, that’s her actual name, not hiding behind silly secret identities. Oh, and Zatanna likes dancing.
Now anyone who’s ever taken a business class must be a little suspicious at this point. Comics are expensive and readers aren’t going to shell down $2.99 to watch their superheroes crunk the night away. Trust me, storytelling sometimes takes a while to pay off, much like the first eight episodes of every season of Breaking Bad. Buckle up and just enjoy the ladies’ letting loose for an evening.
No supervillains crashing the party? No robberies across the street? No random fires at the club? Nope, simply three crimefighters having a night on the town. But the article’s about Batgirl. And before the partying started, this issue began with a nightmare from Zatanna.
Followed by this strange scene with Zatanna and Wonder Woman weeping in each other’s arms.
Let Wonder Woman explain a little better than I can.
It’s common knowledge at this point, so I hope I’m not really spoiling anything, but in the mega-famous 1988 graphic novel The Killing Joke written by Alan Moore, the Joker shoots and paralyzes Barbara, which ultimately changes her character for over 20 years. And as you’ve figured out from the above panels, Zatanna knows what’s about to happen. As nicely as I can put it, there’s nothing she can do to stop this and it sucks. What do you do in this situation? Well, the best you can.
And with a single panel, Batgirl’s permanently confined to a wheelchair. Worse yet, the Joker doesn’t even know Barbara is Batgirl, making her just a cog in his cruel scheme against her father. For the next two decades, Barbara works as Oracle, the information broker and tech support for the Bat family, the Justice League, and even leader of the Birds of Prey, an all-female superhero team. Barbara even got briefly engaged to Grayson. But the sadness, regret, and frustration never truly faded as the character evolved throughout the 1990s and 2000s. Which makes this flashback issue wonderfully bittersweet.
When DC rebooted all their comics in September 2011, Barbara’s paralysis mysteriously healed and she regained her title of Batgirl. Honestly, with the amount of magic, technology, and deus ex machina roaming around the DC universe, she probably could have been cured earlier. Still, as a reader, I’m absolutely delighted to see her once more kicking bad guys.
Princess Sandman and Spider-Man
Posted: 06/26/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentLet me tell you a story about a young girl:
A happy story with a happy ending! Except not, because as you probably guessed from the title of the article, her daddy’s Sandman.
Flint Marko, also known as Sandman, made his first appearance in 1963, a year after Spider-Man’s first comic. A lifelong criminal, Marko escapes from jail and finds himself stuck in a experimental reactor filled with irradiated sand. The sand bonds to his molecular structure and now his whole body is made of it. Cue Sandman. But you probably figured out his origin before I told you.
For forty years, he’s been a pain in Spider-Man’s butt. Also, because of his “condition,” Spider-Man can’t just punch him until victory. Do you remember that Peter Parker’s a science genius? He has to use heat, cold, water, cement, etc. – as long as it changes the structure of the sand, Spider-Man can pull off a win. Which also must make Sandman one of the toughest villains in the rogue gallery. Also one of the smelliest villains, since he’s unable to take a bath.
Well, how did Keemia end up in Sandman’s sand island hideaway?
Mystery solved. A talking snowman took Keemia away. You see the moral dilemma here? Keemia’s mother had been killed and her great-grandmother not exactly a responsible guardian. Now, Keemia’s every need is satisfied and her happiness is Sandman’s only priority. But, y’know, a kidnapping’s still a kidnapping.
Plus, I’m not a scientist or anything, but because of an entire molecule self made entirely out of sand, I don’t think Marko’s very fertile. Or possible of fathering a child. Now I may be wrong. The Marvel universe is a wacky place. For my sake, I’m going to assume Sandman’s not the actual father. And poor Spider-Man, he has to go visit Sandman’s island and have a little chat.
Granted, Marko has an extensive criminal record, but from what we’ve seen so far, looks like Spider-Man’s the villain in this story. Further confirmed with the intense child-superhero interrogation.
Okay, so Marko’s actions are illegal. Yes, he’s still stealing and murdering, but now he’s stealing and murdering for his daughter. I’m also guessing Sandman’s not bringing in a private tutor for Keemia.
Certainly Spider-Man realizes that the kid has no idea what’s best for herself, that Marko can’t be trusted, and leaving Sandman alone on an island will only lead to trouble. But the child’s happier than she’s ever been before. To “rescue” her, he’s going to have to wreck the most joy she’s ever had or will have in her life. Unfortunately, that’s part of the burden of superheroes. Stupid good guys.
We’ve had a tough journey. All sorts of beach perils. Sit back and relish in the satisfying, wonderful ending to the story:
Yeah, so not really satisfying or wonderful. Which brings up an interesting point I’ve addressed before: why is being a superhero always so heart-wrenchingly painful? No matter how many times Spider-Man beats down the bad guys, they’ll return 20 issues later. No matter how many times Spider-Man saves his Aunt May, she’s going to be captured again 25 issues later. No matter how many people he saves, Spider-Man will always be hated by the city he devotes his life to protecting. We’re not even counting the bijillions of bruises, broken bones, cuts, and concussions. And finally, when Spider-Man does everything right, when he rescues the delusional little girl from the grasps of an insane supervillain, his reward is just as bad as if he never rescued her at all. So why does he continue to be Spider-Man?
I had originally written a 400 word paragraph on the importance and societal role of Spider-Man, but I think the answer’s simpler than that. He’s not Spider-Man for some obsessive responsibility. Look, it sucks to take out the garbage, do the dishes, and go on errands around town. But you still do them, because that’s just how life works. Same thing with Spider-Man. He’s Spider-Man because someone has to do it and unfortunately, he got stuck with the job. Though the perks include meeting famous people, marrying a supermodel, and saving the lives of thousands of people, so it’s not all bad.
But enough overthinking. Let’s see some dancing tomorrow.
Jokin’ with Wolverine
Posted: 06/25/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentYesterday’s article had a cool fight, but you know what it was lacking? Banter.
What makes battles even better? When the heroes are cracking jokes during it. And we’re going to explore that today with Wolverine and a few of his buddies. You remember Wolverine, right?
Yeah, this Wolverine:
I like him. He’s short, hairy, grumpy, deadly, and has easily the worst haircut in the Marvel universe. His history is lengthy and complicated, but I’m sure you’ve heard of his unbreakable claws and speedy healing factor. We’ll save the back story for another day. Let’s have some fun in Wolverine #17 through #19, written by Jason Aaron.
Introducing his team up partner for this arc, Gorilla-Man:
Gorilla-Man’s an easy superhero to figure out. He’s got the body of a gorilla, but the intelligence of a human. The end. Strangely, Gorilla-Man (real name Ken Hale) has been around since 1954. Hale liked being a mercenary, but didn’t like the idea of dying. In his travels, he heard of an African legend that stated if you killed the Gorilla-Man, you get to be immortal. So he did. And unfortunately, one of the side effects turned him into the next Gorilla-Man. Though on the plus side, he is immortal. Like from old age and disease, not an adamantium claw through the chest. As you can imagine, Gorilla-Man isn’t a terribly popular superhero.
An old kung fu master and a child dressed like a Charles Dickens character follows them around. Because why not? Onward with the banter!
Regardless of their witty repartee, the fight doesn’t go well. The two non superheroes get captured. How sad.
Before we get to the second part of our story, I must point out this Wolverine story is delightfully refreshing. Y’see, he has a bunch of skeletons in his closet, so Wolverine stories tend to be dark, depressing, and violent. When you come across an arc where he travels through the center of the earth with a smart gorilla fighting dragons, that breath of fresh air cannot be sweet enough. Unfortunately, with the old man and child out of the picture for a while, who’ll take their place?
Fat Cobra, one of the Immortal Weapons! Do you know who Iron Fist is? He’s a billionaire blonde American who traveled to a mystical city in Asia and became their kung fu champion. He gets to project his chi into energy blasts or whatever someone uses chi to do. Luckily, a whole bunch of other magic Asian cities exist, each with their own kung fu champion and crazy chi powers. Together, they’re the Immortal Weapons. Iron Fist became an Avenger and for a long time fought crime in New York City as a mercenary with Luke Cage. And Iron Fist”s girlfriend looks like she stepped right out of a blaxploitation movie. But if you exclude all of that and the fact that Fat Cobra’s first appearance in the Marvel universe was only four years ago, Fat Cobra totally takes the crown as the best.
Continue the dragon fight:
Wolverine’ll be fine. But you know the best part of fighting ninjas in the earth’s core? They’ve never heard of The Illiad.
Primates wielding machine guns and obese guys punching each other rocks, right? But see how much better the fight has become with banter? It’d be hard to argue that Spider-Man wouldn’t be half as popular as he is today without the sheer amount of one-liners that man spews. Jokes during battles make them more fun, keep readers interested, and help justify convincing your wife that the boxes of comics in the basement will totally last the test of time.
So what do superheroes do after a successful mission? Drink? Yes, of course. They’re only human/gorillas after all.
Luckily there isn’t a no shirt, no service rule in the bar, right? I’m sorry, this is why I don’t write comics.
Wonder Woman vs. Superman
Posted: 06/24/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 6 CommentsOf the “big three” DC superheroes (Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman), the Amazonian princess is by far the least popular. It’s unfortunate too, because despite her silly costume, obscure rogues gallery, and creepy bondage fetish in her earliest comics, she’s one of the toughest and most interesting superheroes in the DC universe.
Her origin story is soaked in magical artifacts and Greek gods. In summary, Wonder Woman (real name Diana Prince) became the finest warrior on the Amazon island and received the honor of venturing into the real world to fight crime or strangle men or whatever. And despite her sexy Uncle Sam costume, she wears the traditional outfit of the Amazonian champion.
Most importantly, many readers underestimate just how powerful she really is. At her best, Wonder Woman’s a more visually appealing Superman. She’s just as strong and just as fast. Plus, she can also fly. Sure, Superman has heat vision and freeze breath, but Wonder Woman gets that truth lasso, bulletproof bracelets (though she’s fairly bulletproof herself) and mastery of almost the entire catalog of medieval weaponry. And one final, world-shaking difference that we’re going to read about today. Enjoy Wonder Woman #219 and #220, written by Greg Rucka.
Our fight begins mid-story.
Meet supervillain Maxwell Lord. His superpowers include influencing minds, as you’ve seen above. Also, he’s a huge perverted jerk. But to say Wonder Woman outclasses him in sheer strength and fighting ability would be like saying Batman isn’t fond of crime. In a fistfight, Lord doesn’t stand a chance. So he does what most telepaths would do: have Superman kick her butt instead.
Bad start for our protagonist. And she’s definitely not dressed for space. But we’ve all seen UFC fights: it only takes one lucky shot to take out your opponent. Wonder Woman can turn the tide.
Well, eventually. Diana has spent most of her life training and sparring with her fellow Amazons. She’s a shrewd fighter with a keen eye for combat weaknesses. So how does she take down an enemy that can’t be beaten by simply brawling? Well, let’s remember that Superman has a bunch of cool powers that Wonder Woman doesn’t. You know, to exploit.
There’s your opening, Wonder Woman! Don’t let up!
Unfortunately, for all the power that she possesses, poor Diana doesn’t have the durability of the Man of Steel. And that means Superman can cause harm to her in ways that she can’t do to him. Like, I dunno, this:
She’s not going to win. Especially with only one wrist. Instead, she can thank whichever god gave her all those smarts.
Because as you saw earlier, Superman’s delusions are being caused by Maxwell Lord. In the equation of battle, take out the puppet master and the puppet falls too. Huh? Why yes, I am flexing while I’m writing this.
I haven’t read a ton of Wonder Woman, but probably like you, I had no idea her tiara could do that. Though makes sense, considering her costume doesn’t really have space for batarangs or anything.
Can you guess the earth-shattering difference between the two superfriends? The difference that tears apart their relationship, kicks Wonder Woman off the Justice League, and cements her as a pariah in the superhero community? Yup, this:
To be fair, Wonder Woman has killed before. Lots of times. She’s technically an Amazonian soldier. But you must understand how this affects Superman, because big blue boy scout sees this matter forever and always in black and white. Because of how massively powerful he is, he absolutely must have an unwavering responsibility to the laws and morals that govern his country. Such as not killing dudes. This extends to his Justice League buddies too, because they can also fly and shoot lasers and stuff.
Nothing more painful than a sad Superman. Maybe Batman will understand, after all he and Diana have had an on-and-off again relationship for years.
Mission complete? Good idea for her to martyr her reputation and superhero standing to save Superman? Though now you know Wonder Woman packs a punch, right? Then at least it’s a happy ending for me.
The art of seduction with Hercules
Posted: 06/22/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 2 CommentsThor’s a cool idea for a superhero, right? The viking god of thunder from a relatively unknown religion who wields a magical hammer. I totally approve. But with the success of Nordic culture, why not implement other gods? Well, by far the best of them is the mighty, majestic Hercules:
Yeah, not your English teacher’s Hercules.
Enjoy a womanizing, arrogant, hedonistic Hercules ripped straight from the peaks of Mt. Olympus. He’s been around for three thousand years, has durability and strength that rivals Thor, and despite being the definition of an oaf, has amassed one of the most impressive collection of superhero lovers in the Marvel universe. So let’s take a look at his conquests from one of my favorite series, The Incredible Hercules written by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente.
Namora, the Sub-Mariner’s Cousin
Oh, that’s Hercules’ teenage sidekick, Amadeus Cho. He’s also the 7th smartest person in the world. But Cho’s not really the focus of this article. Let’s jump ahead to the sexy god stuff.
Because we’re not reading Catwoman, you’re not going to see any sexual proof and you’re just going to have to use context clues to figure it out. Cover your kids’ ears. Spoiler alert: They did it. Here’s the post-coital hot tub cuddling:
But comics are comics and that means that if there isn’t an explosion or alien attack every few pages, the comic’s never going to sell. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. So Hercules and Namora get attacked with a missile.
Unfortunately, there love can never be. You see, Namora loves another man. He also smells like salt water and fish. Yes, it’s incestuous. During the battle with the Amazons, Hercules and Namora scramble to grab an urn that reveals their deepest wishes. Yeah, it happens.
Do you know who that handsome pointy-eared man is? It’s Namor, the king of Atlantis, Namora’s cousin, and one time lover of a giant sea worm. What sound does the heart of a god make when it breaks? Though to be fair, it’s mostly Hercules’ fault.
By the way, have you ever heard of the Canadian superhero team?
Snowbird, Member of Alpha Flight
Turns out Canada has their own group of Avengers, called Alpha Flight. They fight snowstorms and irradiated caribou or whatever. I don’t really follow them. But one of their members, Snowbird, once hooked up with our hero.
She’s not drunk or anything, that’s just how people in comic books cry. This is halfway through this particular arc and things haven’t gone well. The poor girl needs a broad, hairy shoulder to cry on.
See? Hercules’ may consist entirely of a sash, but he’s not so stupid not to consider the feelings of his suitor. Also, the dog in a wheelchair watching is a secret alien hiding in the body of Cho’s beloved pet. But you probably guessed that.
Mission complete. Snowbird feels better, Hercules gets another notch on his bedpost, and the pervert dog alien rolls away unseen. Let’s move on. Or back a few thousand years.
Hippolyta, Amazonian Royalty
Hercules tends to be immortal, being a god and all. Want to hear a story from the good ol’ days?
If this seems like a sad ending, wipe away your tears. Sure, Hera isn’t remotely kind to Zeus’ bastard child, but Hippolyta reveals herself as super evil and almost destroys the world. And Hercules can do better than crazy supervillains. Though, it doesn’t stop him from trying.
Alflyse, Queen of the Dark Elves
Hercules and his father Zeus (resurrected as a child), travel to Asgard for their next mission. To defeat and conquer the evil queen, Hercules has to exploit his least refined skill: espionage. Y’know, by dressing up as Thor and laying the smackdown. Except for one small problem:
He may have the strength of a hundred men, but he has the willpower of none.
Thor and Hercules have quite a bit in common, even excluding the whole immortal powerful god thing. No one enjoys brawling more than those two. Maybe Wolverine. Both of their fathers have created trouble in their lives. Hercules and Thor both have a reputation of bedroom prowess. Though, the god of thunder wouldn’t make this mistake:
Oops. How do you solve a problem like this? Did you guess the real Thor dressed as Hercules battles the real Hercules dressed as Thor? I hope so. No bad blood spilled between drinking buddies. Also you know how when you’re really good at something, you can use that skill to get out of unfavorable resolutions?
Let that be a lesson. Write that down in your notebook.
Hebe, the Goddess of Youth
Since it’s the 21st century, very few gods are running around in spandex slaying dragons. Most own corporations and control their own businesses. Olympians are nothing if not entrepreneurs. Hebe runs the receptionist desk at the Olympus Group. Oh, and she’s Hercules’ wife from three thousand years ago.
Hercules has many heroic traits, but monogamy isn’t one of them. That and Hercules and Hebe never got divorced. Still, he’s a man with emotions. Like jealousy.
I don’t deny that many times Spider-Man deserves to be punched across a restaurant. That guy has a mouth on him. Though he probably didn’t deserve that one. And the resulting Hercules/Spider-Man fight goes about as well as the above panels.
Regardless, the hairy, angry god may be an oaf, but he’s a super lovable oaf. Despite Hercules’ numerous infidelities, thousands of years of no contact, and smashing the nice boy Hebe was just talking to, can he talk his way back into her heart?
Sparks reignited! Lovers reunited! Their romance reigns eternal! Though they break up a few issues later. And Hercules is killed. But other than that, all the previous sentences apply.
At his funeral, the proper respects are paid. The man’s legend will live on.
Luckily the mourning period is short. Hercules had a brief series called Herc last year where fought the Hobgoblin and other cool supervillains. I know he’s not as popular as some of the others, but everything he’s in is totally worth a read. You need more proof? You’re very hard to please.
You’re welcome.
The delightful Fantastic Four
Posted: 06/21/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been significantly violent. Let’s do something lighter.
You must know of the superhero family the Fantastic Four. Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic), the smartest person in the Marvel universe with a body made of rubber. Sue Richards (Invisible Woman), Reed’s wife who turns invisible and manipulates force fields. Johnny Storm (Human Torch), Sue’s brother and living fire/playboy. Ben Grimm (Thing), the lovable rock monster with a thick New York accent. They outted themselves to the public long ago, happily living in the super lab/skyscraper Baxter Building. Also, Reed and Sue’s kids aren’t slouches either. Valeria has the same brain smarts as her father and Franklin can alter reality. Fancy stuff. Now you’re caught up.
Shall we check in on the Fantastic Four?
Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman
Being the smartest person in the world gives you far less free time than you think. He has to juggle all the responsibilities of creating new technology and saving the world alongside spending quality time with his wife and children. Reed’s not terribly good at balancing that. So despite Sue not being the smartest person in the world, she has a genius idea of her own:
Who’s Namor you ask? He’s the shirtless king of Atlantis and member of the X-Men. Also, this royal has had a major crush on the Inivsible Woman for decades and doesn’t really worry about stuff like husbands or boyfriends. Fortunately, Reed’s not above jealousy.
Don’t think Sue’s being unfair. Entire Fantastic Four stories have been devoted to how badly Reed ignores his responsibilities as a family man. But let’s be realistic here. You don’t get to be a super genius by being dumb. And Mr. Fantastic has a super genius solution.
See? Marital bliss!
Despite Reed’s hair, his youthful flirting and adventurous spirit never went prematurely gray. Now back to business, the microuniverse isn’t going to save itself.
The Thing
Can’t argue that’s an awful superhero name. But he’s one of the most complex and well-liked characters in the Marvel universe. Stuck as an orange rock creature, he struggles constantly between his desire for a normal life and having the power to protect his friends and family. Plus, his “It’s clobberin’ time!” catch phrase has warmed the hearts of preteens everywhere for over forty years. Oh, and did you know he’s Jewish?
Jewish superheroes certainly exist, but you don’t see a lot of faith in the comic world. The X-Man Kitty Pryde has worn a Star of David around her neck on several occasions. Magneto may not be religious, but his Judaism got him sent to a concentration camp during World War II. The X-Man Iceman is half Jewish, and no, I’m not sure which parent. But to see half an issue devoted to a religious ceremony that doesn’t end with ninjas jumping through the roof or a crazy guy in robes performing a Satanic blood ritual, that’s almost unheard of.
Though Judaism is nothing without rules, so what qualifies the Thing to have a bar mitzvah?
My favorite part of the above picture is the tiny reading glasses. Getting soaked in cosmic rays probably fixes any cataract problems. Yet bar mitzvahs take months and months of memorization, practicing, and not spending every other afternoon brawling with Galactus. Luckily, I guess it was a light half a year of invading world devourers, because all his family and buddies arrived for the big day.
Do superheroes have formal costumes? I’m glad Wolverine showed up for the Thing’s ceremony, nevertheless, I don’t think bare arms are appropriate for synagogue.
Still, you know the best part of becoming a man? Doing man things:
Sure he’s fictional, but let it be known that even street-talking rock creatures can get attractive non-rock girlfriends. All it takes is a sweet personality and the ability to lift small buildings.
However, we can’t forget the final member of the team. Let’s check in with Johnny Storm.
The Human Torch
Never mind.
Arousing Grammar 