Batman & Bane: blood brothers
Posted: 07/19/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 2 CommentsWith the Dark Knight Rises coming out today, I’d be a real jerk not to do a Batman/Bane article. And fortunately, everyone already knows about Batman, plus I’ve already covered Bane’s back story and history in a previous article. So let’s fast forward to Batman: Gotham Knights #33-36, written by Scott Beatty and drawn by Mike Collins. Y’see, Bane has been running around trying to destroy all the Lazarus Pits, used by Ra’s al Ghul to keep him immortal. Oh, let Robin explain:
But I’m getting ahead of myself. We start a few pages back as Bane makes a surprise visit to Wayne Manor. Remember, Bane figured out Batman’s secret identity back in his comic premiere.
While Bane ain’t exactly trustworthy, Ra’s al Ghul is a common enemy. Plus, even though Batman spends most of his time breaking criminals’ limbs, he’s a softy at heart. Also as you can tell from his hundreds of repeated drop offs to Arkham Asylum every year, he’s a huge fan of rehabilitation and second chances.
Luckily for us, Nightwing guesses correctly because his word boxes exactly match the action.
I must not be the only one who thinks bat-jetpacks would have been a way cooler idea than a whirly-bat. Though to be fair, I don’t have the decades of ninja training and detective skills to make the correct choices regarding infiltration missions. Either way, this little escapade has nothing to do with the rest of the story except to set up the rest of the magnificent arc. Y’see, because Batman helped Bane out, Wayne gets a reward. And it’s a doozy.
Being that Bane was born and raised in prison, he doesn’t have much of a clue to the identity of his father. Well, turns out he received a lovely little photograph on a cruise (which I’m not showing you) displaying Thomas Wayne’s arm (Bruce’s dad) around Bane’s mother. Normally, this shouldn’t be cause for concern as the odds for the two super dudes being related are astronomical at best. But this is the crazy world of fiction, where one man wears a batsuit and the other’s a killer luchador. Trust me, panic should set in.
Until the blood testing comes back, why not the siblings enjoy their new relationship? After all, they have quite a few years of catching up to do.
Y’see, the real problem with Bane and Batman being related occurs with Thomas Wayne. As you imagine, if the blood test comes back positive, that meant the Wayne patriarch cheated on his wife Martha and his good character besmirched. His values and morality instilled in Bruce may very well be the main reason Batman fights crime. Though as Alfred will explain, he doesn’t believe Thomas’ infidelity for a second:
Don’t worry, I won’t leave you in the dark (knight). Blood tests don’t take that long. Probably, I’m not sure. Either way, while Batman is out on patrol, Bane scurries to find out the results. His future depends on it.
Now, Wayne’s a major figure in the city. Playboy philanthropist billionaire and whatnot. The doctor’s not above selling the results to a third party. I think that breaks the Hippocratic Oath. But no matter the results, Bane would like a word with the reporter. Supervillain style.
Oh, can you guess why Bane’s depressed? Yup, blood test.
Look, the Bat family hasn’t been terribly supportive of Bane joining their little group. I’ve skipped a dozen pages of Nightwing, Oracle, Robin, Batgirl, Huntress, etc. screaming and arguing about Bane’s inclusion. He is a supervillain. On the plus side, Thomas Wayne’s reputation as a devoted husband remains intact. Though the same can’t be said for Bane’s heart.
Unfortunately, the big guy doesn’t have time to grieve. His almost-brother is in trouble. I’m sorry for neglecting Batman’s side story. A tattoo artist has been killing dudes by making their tattoos turn real. Yeah, I’m serious. His detective work leads him to the killer’s apartment. We’ll join in halfway through the fight.
So Bane hasn’t really reformed. Sort of. Let’s be fair, Bane will never be a good guy. His awful childhood and warped ideals made sure of that. But he did save Batman, and that has to count for something, right? Though any chance of them being friends flew out the window the second the blood test came back negative.
By the way, Bane actually does find his father ten issues later. Read it yourself, it’s a fun one. Bane has a lumberjack beard.
And I don’t think this is a sad ending. Because despite all the almost-tears Bane shed not being the almost-brother of Batman, it opened the character up to a tiny shining sliver of redemption. Will he accept the challenge? Kind of, though the status quo always eventually gets restored. The Riddler became a very successful private eye for a while before going back to crime. I’m just saying. As we wrap up this arc, let’s let Alfred have the last word. After all, he’s the only character whose job includes scrubbing up bat guano.
Captain America rallies the troops
Posted: 07/17/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 6 CommentsI don’t know about other countries, but here in the United States, we suffer from a bad case of patriotism. No matter how terrible our decisions, our government, and our schools, America is and always will be a super amazing, incredible country. And no matter how insanely ludicrous that idea is, you’d be hard-pressed to find a citizen who disagrees. To keep up with our ideals against the fiery backdrop of reality, our veins need to be pumped with constant inspiration, courage, and hope. Well, how about having the captain try his hand?
Y’see, I have previously stated my two major opinions about Captain America (Steve Rogers). First, he’s the moral center of the Marvel superhero world that all other superheroes aim to emulate. And second, I don’t think non-comic book fans give Captain America the amount of respect he deserves. If you’re of the latter, I present to you five different speeches in which I hope to change your mind.
Speech 1
Jump into Amazing Spider-Man #537, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Ron Garney. We’re in the middle of the superhero Civil War, with the good guys split over the government mandated registration of superheroes. Spider-Man, in support of the act, revealed his identity to the world (oops). He goes to Captain America for advice on the crazy backlash that followed.
Did you know Rogers isn’t know for his sense of humor?
As you may have realized, Captain America is the leader (because he’s the leader of everything he joins) of the underground resistance movement, fighting the government and former allies against the heinous law. If you read the issue, he recites a very long Mark Twain quote, but the heart-pounding, fist-raising inspiration is after that:
Sure, he eventually lost the Civil War, but there was no doubt in the readers’ mind that his side was definitely the good guys.
Speech 2
The good captain made his debut as a propaganda tool, that shouldn’t be shocking. He punched and kicked his way through World War II with his personal team: two androids that could light themselves on fire, a flying ab-licious Atlantean, and the surprisingly deadly teenage sidekick. But you saw the movie – he ain’t going to neglect all the normal, vulnerable-to-bullets soldiers. Plus, it gives writers the chance to place him in the biggest battles of the war, like in the Dark Reign: New Nation one-shot, written by Brian Michael Bendis and Jonathan Hickman, and drawn by Stefano Caselli.
Because of an invulnerable shield and high-impact armor?
Oh, that’s why.
The captain isn’t even carrying a gun when he storms Normandy. He’s going to take down the entire Nazi army with his fists. Plus, the bright colors make him a fairly easy target. Yet, he charges full-speed into the fray. Yeah, he’s faster and can jump higher than the other soldiers, but he’s certainly not a god or Hulk. And he fought in all the major battles of the war. Rogers may look Aryan, but no one represents America better than this man.
Speech 3
Let’s do a short one. More of a declaration than a full-blown speech. Back in Captain America #16-17, volume 3, written by Mark Waid and drawn by Andy Kubert, his arch-nemesis (and Nazi) Red Skull, finds the cosmic cube that grants magical wishes or whatever to its beholder. So now the evil skeleton can do this:
Uh oh. Now all his super serum disappeared and he’s back to his tiny 97 pound original body. The same body that was rejected from the army because of illnesses. But c’mon, Captain America can still take on just one superpowered bad guy in this weakened form, right? What other tricks could Red Skull possibly have?
Oh, a dinosaur army. That’s not good. How are you going to save us, Captain?
He uses that strength to kick Nazi butt. Severely. In the famous mini-series The Infinity Gauntlet, cosmic powerhouse Thanos gathers up the infinity gems and becomes an actual god. And the superheroes are wiped out. Finally, only Captain America remains and he stands up to Thanos, not because he stands any sort of chance of victory (he doesn’t), but because someone needs to. Also, it makes the heart fuzzy and brave.
Speech 4
We’re jumping dimensions into the Ultimate universe, where this Captain America tends to be a little rougher around the edges than the normal captain. Here, in Ultimate Nightmare #04, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Trevor Hairsine, Captain America, Nick Fury, and the X-Men explore an abandoned Soviet Union science lab. Right as we’re about to find out the juiciest of the secrets, a single man blocks the hallway. A crazy man. Oh, he can explain himself:
Now you can’t argue with me that after this, Captain America isn’t a gentleman:
Spoiler alert: Captain America wins. Y’see, Rogers can’t lose, because he’s the symbol of American strength and excellence. Why do you think his rogue gallery is packed with Nazis and Cold War lingerers? Because they were the forces that threatened America as a country. And it’s up to our captain to protect us. All I’m saying is that when Spider-Man fights Electro, the ego and reputation of an entire nation doesn’t hang in the balance.
Speech 5
Our final except today is from Captain America #7, volume 3, again written by Mark Waid and drawn by Andy Kubert and Dale Eaglesham. A shape-shifting Skrull disguised himself as our hero and used his influence to cause a bunch of havoc and destruction. In order to prevent something like that from happening again, Captain America sets the record straight on exactly what his role is in this wonderful country. And I’ve never felt prouder to be an American.
Feels good, right? Because despite all of our problems (and there are a ton), America is held fast in its united belief that anyone from anywhere can come here and make something of themselves, regardless of previous background or experience. And it’s nice to have someone (albeit fictional) watching our backs while we pursue our dreams.
Now if you’re a huge Captain America fan, you must have realized I’ve skipped one of the biggest, grandest, and most influential speeches he has ever said, the incredible and famous What If? #44. I highly recommend you find that issue and read it yourself, but I’m not going to talk about it, because other websites like this and this have covered it far better than I ever would. Go read about it there.
You agree that Captain America is awesome, right? And that he deserves every ounce of respect you can squeeze from your patriotic brow, right? Good, then I can sleep easy tonight.
Poison Ivy’s poisonous orphans
Posted: 07/16/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 1 CommentAs hard as it is to complain about Batman’s rogue gallery (which may be the finest in comics), most of his baddies don’t have any superpowers. They’re mobsters, psychopaths, or clowns, but they aren’t running around flying or throwing cars. Not Poison Ivy. She has superpowers out the wazoo.
Dr. Pamela Isley began a promising career as a botanist until her crazy professor Dr. Jason Woodrue injected her with experimental plant toxins that made her poisonous to the touch and allowed her to control greenery. Thus began her criminal career as an eco-terrorist. And not the sort of terrorist with beards and rocket launchers. Here’s a quick scene from Gotham City Sirens #26:
Yeah, now that’s a supervillain. Which makes it even more impressive when Batman takes her down with kicks and batarangs.
Today, we’re going to follow the story that took place in Batman: Gotham Knights #61-65, written by A.J. Lieberman and drawn by AJ Barrionuevo. Y’see, in order to fully appreciate this article, you have to know a little bit about the major Batman event, No Man’s Land, that took place in 1999 and 2000.
A 7.6 magnitude earthquake hit Gotham, and unfortunately, the city happens to be along a fault line. The damage was so severe that the United States government evacuated and quarantined the city. Anyone who stayed behind would have to live in a crumpled, broken city with no electricity, no water, and no laws. Also, unable to leave. Immediately, the supervillians carved up the city among themselves and thus began a year-long turf battle between the remnants of the Gotham City police department, the Arkham Asylum regulars, and the Bat family. It was an awesome story that took place over 11 different series and 88 total issues. Read it.
But more importantly, Poison Ivy’s portion of the massive event triggers this story in 2005.
I mentioned that back during No Man’s Land, the supervillains each took portions of the city to claim as their own territory during this literal anarchy. Not surprisingly, Poison Ivy grabbest the city’s largest park. A group orphans, their parents killed during the earthquake, sought shelter and safety inside Robinson Park, not knowing Poison Ivy had taken up residence. Instead of wiping the floor with these kids, she became a sort of replacement mother and protector. Unfortunately, she’s also a lunatic supervillain, so it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened:
And our mystery begins. Who could have driven these kids to suicide? Luckily Poison Ivy is a doctor, so besides using trees to crush apartment buildings, she can also read medical charts.
Mystery solved. Cue a bunch of self-loathing
You know what comic books are naturally really good at? Montages. The panel format works perfectly. And while I’ve been skipping large portions of the story, like her confrontation with Batman, Ivy’s meetings with the supervillain Hush, her battle against one of the orphans, and secret lab experiments from some unnamed bad dudes, I wouldn’t dream of letting you miss this: Poison Ivy doing science.
As you can figure out from the green thought boxes, she’s going to use her brainpower to reverse her condition and just go back to being a hot botanist. Sadly, her science isn’t good enough. So she goes to someone with the financial backing and smarts to help her. Enter Bruce Wayne.
And finally her dream becomes a reality:
Now she can love again. Now she can touch people again. Her life can begin anew without having to commit crimes or worry about saving the environment from evil lumberjacks. Fortunately, a situation would never, ever arise that would require her Poison Ivy powers again. Right? Please?
Yup, turns out that Poison Ivy wasn’t killing them after all. I mean, her spores or whatever could have given them some nasty migraines or boils, but her powers had no fault in the suicides.
Looks like she made a mistake. Will she sacrifice her newly found happiness to save the remaining orphans and avenge those who died? Not if Batman has anything to do with it.
With Batman’s feelings effectively hurt, she can attempt to reverse the process. Except for one tiny problem. Turns out, Bruce Wayne won’t do it, and she has to go the back alley scientists. In this case, Hush. And besides his hokey medicine, she still has to deal with the evil organization that turned the kids into biological weapons. A few pages of struggles:
Problem solved by violence. Remember that, children.
You see those eyes in that last panel? No matter what color her skin, no matter what powers she possesses, she’s always going to be a supervillain. Ain’t no rehabilitation for this woman. That fact alone makes this story terribly tragic, as she’s permanently tied to her destiny as a criminal and terrorist. And while she didn’t chose this path originally, society and jerk professors forced her down the only path she’ll ever be able to walk. Oh, and it gets sadder.
With that, Poison Ivy dies. A poetic ending for a tale of redemption and revenge.
Well, you see the vines growing over the grave? While all plants die in Autumn, they always bloom once more in Spring. Including Poison Ivy – she’s back a few months later. Because who else’s giant man-eating flowers will terrorize the citizens of Gotham?
Harley Quinn visits the folks
Posted: 07/11/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 6 CommentsIn the past 25 years, you’d be hard-pressed to find a brand new comic book character more popular than Harley Quinn (well, maybe Deadpool). She first premiered in the Batman: The Animated Series in the 1992 episode “Joker’s Favor,” written by the wonderful Paul Dini. A year later, she got her initial comic book appearance and she was officially a part of the Batman universe. A lovely success story for the Joker’s girlfriend.
Real fast: Dr. Harleen Quinzel, a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum requests to interview the Joker. She falls in love, becomes his second-in-command, and they share an abusive, roller-coaster relationship. But unlike so many origin stories, hers isn’t tragic, which means she gets to go do cool things such as visit parents and have family dinners. Like in Gotham City Sirens #7, also written by Paul Dini. She’s his creation, after all.
Oh yeah, her secret identity isn’t exactly hidden. She’s a recognizable celebrity in Gotham, both in clown makeup and not. Imagine the stress on her poor parents, knowing her successful doctor daughter now rides around in spandex with a giant hammer and a partner who’s mostly plant. But everyone changes careers once or twice, right? So now she’s a supervillain. It pays far better, has more excitement, and probably saved her life, as the life expectancy for Arkham Asylum employees tends to be on the horrifically low side.
And despite frequent stays in the loony bin, dozens of fistfights lost, and a boyfriend who beats her more than Batman does, at least she’s doing something with her life. If only the rest of her family had that amount of dedication.
Anger and frustration are a common theme. Also, did you know Harley Quinn has superpowers? During No Man’s Land, the major Batman event that took place in 1999, she became buddies with Poison Ivy, who gave her a potion. They’re still totally best friends, and several comics have been devoted solely to their wacky adventures together.
But anyway, the concoction gave her super strength, super agility, and immunity to most poisons, including Joker’s laughing gas. Truthfully, I can’t really find any definite answers to the extent of her powers, but she isn’t bench pressing minivans or back flipping over buildings. If I had to guess, she’s probably twice or three times as strong and fast as the Dark Knight. But he always wins anyway – decades of ninja skills and martial arts training and whatnot. Plus, she’s kind of a ditz.
And now watch our dear Harley get berated the way only a mother can:
You sensing something deeper going on? Harley’s mother, the poor soul, has been supporting and providing for a family that has done nothing with their lives (brother, father) or ruined theirs (Harley). How much disappointment can one person take? But don’t worry, because underneath that lovesick supervillain exterior lies a empathetic, loving daughter. Somewhere. Her history hasn’t been a good indicator of that.
And we haven’t met the father yet, have we? You don’t have to hold your breath on where he is, you can probably figure it out on your own.
See? Her dad’s a sociopath. Considering Harley’s upbringing, we should just be shocked she made it all the way to medical school. The crappy family life usually associates itself with the villain motif. Rarely does a superhero have parents that are jerks.
In summary, Harley’s father is a terrible person.
A very terrible person.
Luckily, she has dear friends back in Gotham. Like Poison Ivy. And Catwoman, who is for some reason wearing a bowtie in this issue. Y’see, while her home visit may not have been enjoyable, you can’t say Harley hates being a supervillain. If you ignore the whole thing where she hurts innocent people and supports a mad man’s attacks on the city, it should bring a single tear to your eye that Harley has found the American dream: a job she truly loves.
Namor and fish politics
Posted: 07/10/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsDo you know about Namor the Sub-Mariner? I hope so. He’s one of my favorite characters, despite (or maybe because) his superhero costume looking like this most of the time:
No, he’s not European. That man’s the proud superhero king of Atlantis, that legendary underwater kingdom we all assume Amelia Earhart and Ernest Hemingway secretly live. Let’s go over a brief background for the buff merman.
Namor has been around for a while. Not just in comics (1939), but also in the Marvel universe, where he fought alongside Captain America in WWII as part of the Invaders superhero team. He also has the distinction of being the first mutant. Yup, before Cyclops and Professor X and all that jazz. Y’see, besides super strength, super speed, super durability, and underwater breathing he inherited from being half-Atlantean (his father was a ship captain), he can also fly. Which has nothing to do with Atlantean DNA. So how do you explain that superpower? Well, since he didn’t get into an industrial accident or have a mad scientist experiment on him, Marvel decided to retcon him into a mutant. It’s all good though, because now he can join the X-Men.
Most importantly, Namor is terribly confident, with an arrogance equal to other Marvel dictators. The killer abs certainly help. And in the Sub-Mariner miniseries, written by Mark Cherniss and Peter Johnson, his threats, cockiness, and fighting prowess really get to show off. Our article today examines Namor yelling at weaklings. And it’s awesome.
The story begins with some political issues. Not for long, though.
Turns out on the surface world, a group of Atlantean terrorists blew up a parade. Namor gets to figure out what’s going on. First stop, the supervillain Nitro.
Oh well. And since none of his loyal subjects are brave enough to solve this mystery, it’s up to the royal detective. Of which Namor is only one of those things.
I did mention political issues, right? One of the benefits of Namor stories is you get to add the kingly drama that made Game of Thrones such a hit. Just with blue sea dudes. Sure, Namor is the strongest and most powerful of the Atlanteans (hybrid DNA, y’know), but it’s not going to stop usurpers from living out their power-hungry dreams.
Spider-Man he’s not. Because Namor ain’t American, he doesn’t have to follow all those pesky laws that prevent him from maiming rebellious fish people. Unfortunately, that also makes him a threat to United States homeland defense when Atlantean terrorists blow up the homeland.
Despite all his fist-shaking, Namor is a superhero, not a villain. He’ll do sneaky, morally objectionable things, but Al Qaeda he’s not. So now he gets to go on a field trip to stop a radical fringe group of his own people so Atlantis isn’t foreign threat #1. Unfortunately, stuff like this keeps happening:
And this:
A constant theme you’ll come to realize is Namor’s buddies not acting all buddy-buddy. Luckily for us, Namor has little control over his ego-laden temper. He also gets a rough refusal from his supercrush the Invisible Woman. But you have to read the miniseries for that scene.
Also, what comic would this be if he doesn’t run into a major supervillain? A terrible one, that’s what.
How could you not like Namor after this fight? I’m not exaggerating when I say Namor’s one of the heaviest hitters in the Marvel universe. His strength is about equal to The Thing. He has over 80 years of combat experience. Oh, and he commands one of the strongest armies in the world. Don’t mess with Atlantis.
I’m skipping around, as you can tell, but he does finally meet up with the terrorist faction. Led by his estranged son. Where he beats the crap out of all of them.
With that situation wrapped up, our hero can go back to the delicious salmon and sea bass in underwater palace. Well, except for one little problem. A total rebellion sparked during his time away. How do you stop the conflict and regain control of your throne? By being majorly scary, that’s how.
Oh, and that hair’s breadth from a full-out war with the surface stemmed from the terrorist attack? Well, Namor’s going to kill two birds with one stone. First with a revolutionary idea:
And then with a chilling speech:
Politics ain’t easy, but thank goodness for leaders with rock solid ideals and abs who can make the tough decisions to spare his people. Now he can go back to seducing Cyclops’ girlfriend.
Iron Man: Orator
Posted: 07/08/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsTony Stark’s flamboyant personality makes him the natural spokesman of well, everything. Sure, Captain America knows how to make the riveting pre-battle speeches, but who speaks for superheroes when they’re at a press conference or plain ol’ meeting? That’s where Iron Man flies in.
Let’s take a look at three Stark speeches, two from Avengers Disassembled (written by Brian Michael Bendis) and one from World War Hulk (written by Greg Pak). Get ready for a ton of word bubbles. Oh, and a bunch of spoilers.
Iron Man dissolves the Avengers
So after a whole bunch of awful stuff happening within the span of a few issues (Avengers dying, mansions blowing up, jets crashing, etc.), the Avengers decide to disband. I’m sad also.
The man has to take care of business first. But why is he distancing himself from the armor? That’s the second speech. Though he should probably just wear a suit in case one of the paparazzi has x-ray vision or whatever. You never know in a world with superpowers.
I already told you this is the speech that Iron Man dissolves the Avengers, but this is the first time these characters have heard about this. And not happy either. You know, the whole continue despite setbacks thing they seem to be fond of.
Y’see, Captain America, the Falcon, Wonder Man, etc., they get their paychecks through the whole Avengers program. They wake up, beat up some supervillains, go to sleep that night. Rinse and repeat. But Stark still runs his company, despite pouring billions into the Avengers. So all those CEO responsibilities, those thousands of employees, those duties he can’t delegate to Pepper Pots: he has to spend most of his day dealing with that.
You can shed a tear or two. Though the Avengers come back the next month. Just a poorer team. Still, this is a bummer. Want to see a crazy Tony Stark?
Iron Man goes crazy
Did you know Iron Man used to be Secretary of Defense? Of the United States? Took a combination of repulsor rays and political savvy to secure that position. That means he gets to make a big fancy speech in front of the United Nations. Unfortunately, this is during the Avengers Disassembled arc, so it doesn’t go well.
Yeah, he’s good right? Sure, he’s wearing bright red and yellow armor, but his gravitas and professionalism certainly make up for it.
Sweating is the universal sign that something bad is about to happen. I promise you air conditioning is at full blast – important people are sitting there. Y’see, Iron Man used to be a drunk. Well, I mean, he’s always going to be an alcoholic, but he no longer drinks. Which means this next outburst makes absolutely no logical sense.
Probably don’t need to mention he’s no longer Secretary of Defense after this debacle. The peacekeeping organization doesn’t look too kindly on threatening to blast other delegates. What causes him to act this way? I don’t want to spoil anything too much, but reality warping superpowers can do crazy things. Like getting Stark all pseudo-drunk.
Okay, so Hank Pym (Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Yellow Jacket, etc.) did backhand his wife in a super famous comic from 1981. And comic book fans have never forgiven the character, no matter how much good he has done since then. I mean, Pym’s one of the original Avengers – he even joined before Captain America did. But this one panel still taints Pym 21 years later. Though it’s kind of funny for Iron Man to bring it up randomly. Especially since Pym wasn’t getting outta his nose, man.
But all we’ve seen so far has Stark being the bearer of sad news and being a raving lunatic. What about the heroic, inspiring Iron Man we know and love?
Iron Man fights for humanity
I’ve covered World War Hulk in a previous post. After Hulk’s army takes out Black Bolt and the moon, he makes a space proclamation: evacuate New York City and hand over the rest of the Illuminati (which includes Iron Man). Big surprise, the government doesn’t listen. Especially Stark, who’s the current Director of SHIELD (aka Nick Fury). Luckily, Iron Man has a bijillion dollars, and he puts together the toughest, strongest, meanest armor he has ever made. The Hulkbuster. But not while explaining what’s going on the American people. And it’s beautiful.
Y’see, this is the man taking responsibility for his actions that caused the current situation. And not an apology either. Give him a cigar to smoke on and he’d be the manliest man in the country.
Yay for Iron Man! Saving the world one punch at a time. Remember last week when I talked about Iron Man’s battle strategy? He’s never been the most powerful hero, despite wearing a billion dollar suit. He has limits that say, Hulk, doesn’t have. So how does he win most of the time? Because he’s way smarter than everyone he fights. Stark’s a tech genius and comic book technology’s only limitation is whatever the writer desires. Which means Iron Man can do stuff like this:
And that:
Explosions don’t stop the Hulk. Really, nothing does. But now that the speech is wrapping up, we get an inside glimpse into Iron Man’s inner thought process. And it should make you cry, because you’re a person with feelings.
Unfortunately, this is from World War Hulk #1, so Iron Man ain’t coming out on top. But valiant effort, right? I’m proud of him too.
Spider-Man’s sidekick Virtue, Pt. 2
Posted: 07/03/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsLet’s finish our story! Last we left off, Ethan Edwards (Virtue) had his identity shown to the world because he didn’t do stuff like wear a mask or not look directly at a camera. But just as the cluster of problems began, Spider-Man received a phone call. Turns out the Fantastic Four discovered Edwards’ true origin story.
Well? Where is it from? Behold as Superman’s parody has his birthing get a brand new twist.
So far, so good, right? Planets explode or get eaten by world devourers all the time. Though I still don’t think the most feared being in the galaxy should wear a tunic. When your world is doomed and you happen to have a sphere spaceship just big enough for an infant, what would you do? Absolutely ship that child away. In your dying breath, you know that you have given your baby a chance at peace and happiness. Feels good, right?
Except notice a special word? Yessir, conquer. Virtue’s people plan to swarm the planet and create monuments of the good ol’ days when their planet wasn’t eaten by evil beings who don’t wear pants. What shapeshifting Marvel alien species would do such a horrible thing?
Surprise! Ethan Edwards is a Skrull! Not only that, the brother of the original Super-Skrull. Why are the Fantastic Four nervous about this revelation? Well, supervillain Super-Skrull, because of his bioengineering, has the powers of the entire foursome. Also, he wants to conquer the world for his fellow Skrull people.
Skrulls are a complicated, confusing alien race that the Celestials (space gods) evolved from reptiles millions of years ago. They had wars, broke into different factions, and eventually united under an emperor and governors spread out over almost a thousand planets. Secret Invasion, a big Marvel event, revolved around the Skrulls trying to conquer Earth. But back to Edwards.
The difference as we see, is that Virtue’s upbringing as a God-fearing farm boy gives him none of the sneaky ruling impulses that characterize his people. Still super crazy though. Oh, and new costume with a shark fin hat.
The Skrulls wouldn’t implement some sort of mind controlling device inside the space sphere to awaken Virtue to his true mission and purpose, right?
You’ve read enough comics or movies or TV shows to know the best way to break a dude out of mind control, right? Did you say sentimentality? I guess that or blows to the head.
Why do crazy people wear aluminum foil hats? Obviously so they don’t get transmitted a ton of information/mind attacked from whatever conspiracy they’re paranoid of that week. Edwards forgot to wear his hat.
He flies back to New York City, because this is a Spider-Man title.
What bigger issues you ask? Well, turns out our friend Edwards has some doubts about his origin. Y’know, something that’s going to trigger a fight between him and the web-slinger. Also, while I haven’t personally experienced this, it must suck to believe you got your powers from God when you’re actually an evil alien readying your home to serve on a silver platter to your overlords.
In his anger and frustration, he serves up some beatdown to the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four live. They’re still in Iowa or something. Oh, and Spider-Man’s buddies arrive.
When punching doesn’t work, elderly aunts and their rationality superpower will save the day. Edwards’ upbringing instilled in him by his parents isn’t something to count out. Because he’s not a supervillain and doesn’t have the moral ambiguity to become one. Sometimes, a little reminder can go a long way. Like not breaking Captain’s America’s face.
Rarely do fights end on such a sweet note. Though most fights do end with a flush supply of battered heroes. With that, Virtue’s story comes to an end. Oh, you want one final twist?
Exciting, right? Unfortunately, you don’t see Virtue starring in any comics anymore. He appears in the New Avengers and Avengers Annual #1 as part of a superhero team who wants to take out the Avengers, but he’s a minor character at best. Though luckily he still wears the leather in those. Also, have you thought about Jesus? He gives Skrulls healing powers.
Spider-Man’s sidekick Virtue, Pt. 1
Posted: 07/02/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentThe movie comes out today, so let’s do a Spider-Man article! Also, I’m always looking for an excuse to do a Spider-Man article – he’s simply delightful.
This story first appears in Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #13 through #18, written by Reginald Hudlin. Poor Peter Parker just got fired from his day job as a high school science teacher. The same Parker who created web fluid as a teenager, can follow Mr. Fantastic’s invention descriptions, and married actual supermodel Mary Jane Watson. Alas, a constant theme in Spider-Man’s life is that his costumed persona interferes with his potential as a civilian, always keeping him underutilized in society. Fortunately, starting in the Spider-Man arc Big Time about a year or two ago, Parker gets employed as a super scientist in a super scientist laboratory.
Back to his penniless days, his paycheck will have to come from the one man he knows he can count on for abuse/money. He bumps into a new reporter on the way into J. Jonah Jameson’s office and our story begins here.
Notice anything familiar? Did you say a Superman parody? And trust me, this is a parody, because Ethan Edwards has only appeared in eight comic book issues total. But besides a good time, this arc demonstrates the absurdity of Superman’s secret identity in the Marvel universe.
Look, we know that glasses don’t disguise anybody. The readers and writers have an understanding that because Superman was created 70 years ago, we have to suspend our disbelief for the sake of storytelling. I mean, the DC universe’s greatest superhero took up until last year to finally wear his underwear inside his pants – we can handle that Clark Kent’s nearsightedness fogs up everyone’s Superman/Clark Kent epiphany. But not in the Marvel universe. They’re all edgy or something.
In a neat little twist, Edwards has one more personality trait sorely lacking from most superheroes.
The religious thing, not the healing. Anyway, in a shocking twist, the two head to a news story when a bad guy attacks the city! Spider-Man certainly shows up to save the day, but who is this mysterious new superhero?
Nope, that’s not the leader of a train robbers gang. Can you guess the identity of this stranger? Of course you can. Also, he called Spider-Man Peter, which happens to be his biggest pet peeve after high school bullies.
You know the best part of new characters? Origin stories! How did Edwards become New York’s newest superhero? Are you sitting down? Buckled in? Get ready, this will shock you.
Any lack of doubt to the Superman comparison has been completely wiped out. Throw in brown hair and less religious talk, and Edwards has just married a sassy reporter, punched a bald billionaire, and teamed up with Batman. While not the world’s greatest detective, Spider-Man possesses enough sense to realize that maybe Edwards should be tested, in case his powers come from being Magneto’s secret love child or born on an Indian burial ground. Who do you go to when you need testing? The world’s smartest man, of course.
Oh, and finally I can call him Virtue. Edwards is a terrible name for a superhero. Oh, Virtue’s powers?
Want to know Virtue’s actual past? Too bad, I have more story to tell first.
Kind of nice that Spider-Man gets a crime fighting buddy, right? I mean, Daredevil is a terrible conversationalist, the Punisher ain’t up Spider-Man’s moral alley, the Human Torch’s busy with the Fantastic Four, and Wolverine spends most of his time at the Avengers tower hitting on Mary Jane. Virtue may be a crazy enigma, but they work together at the Daily Bugle and Edwards needs to kill some time. Perfect combination for a sidekick. Y’know, except for one tiny problem.
Don’t worry, Virtue’s got this.
Oops. I read once that Clark Kent’s secret involves not only glasses, but also bad posture and he raises his voice an octave. So as you can tell, Edwards made some big mistakes by not being a hunchback. No worries, Virtue can fix his blunder.
Okay, I should stop being so optimistic. But most importantly, the Fantastic Four’s curiosity led them to Edwards’ space pod in the heart of Iowa. Spider-Man gets a call on his spider-phone.
We finally get the big reveal! Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow because this article’s super long already and I still have like fourteen pictures left. I can feel the suspense building.
Batgirl goes clubbing
Posted: 06/27/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 6 CommentsThe Batman family’s crowded. The Dark Knight has fought alongside a half dozen Robins, Batgirls, and other vigilantes like Huntress, Manhunter, and Azrael. Even Bruce Wayne shared the Batman costume with at least two others. So Gotham has a few dozen superheroes running around at all times, yet it’s still the most dangerous city in the country. To be fair, Superman protects Metropolis while moving at the speed of light with the strength to lift the moon, whereas Huntress patrols Gotham with a motorcycle and a crossbow. Maybe Batman’s hometown needs a few more superheroes than other major DC cities. Luckily, the need for a gigantic quantity of Bat people gave us Barbara Gordon, the first Batgirl.
Barbara’s the daughter of Commissioner Jim Gordon, the chain-smoking mustachioed policeman that Batman trust over all other civilian. She first appeared in 1967, with the goal of using her as a tool to attract more female fans. Over time, Barbara became a technological genius, a high-skilled martial artist, and Dick Grayson’s (the first Robin) main love interest. But because she’s a Bat, she suffers from the Batcurse – an inability to have a good time. Fortunately in The Brave and the Bold #33 written by the genius J. Michael Straczynski, superheroes Zatanna and the Wonder Woman have a plan to fix that.
I covered Wonder Woman at the beginning of the week, but I should probably do a brief paragraph on Zatanna in case you don’t know about her.
It’s not easy to fight crime in fishnets and a top hat, but to be fair to her, she makes her living as a stage magician. Also, she sort of cheats, because she’s an actual magician. Her superpower lets her cast spells by reciting them backwards. And because she uses comic book magic, her spells can do whatever she wants to whoever she wants whenever she wants it. Plus, that’s her actual name, not hiding behind silly secret identities. Oh, and Zatanna likes dancing.
Now anyone who’s ever taken a business class must be a little suspicious at this point. Comics are expensive and readers aren’t going to shell down $2.99 to watch their superheroes crunk the night away. Trust me, storytelling sometimes takes a while to pay off, much like the first eight episodes of every season of Breaking Bad. Buckle up and just enjoy the ladies’ letting loose for an evening.
No supervillains crashing the party? No robberies across the street? No random fires at the club? Nope, simply three crimefighters having a night on the town. But the article’s about Batgirl. And before the partying started, this issue began with a nightmare from Zatanna.
Followed by this strange scene with Zatanna and Wonder Woman weeping in each other’s arms.
Let Wonder Woman explain a little better than I can.
It’s common knowledge at this point, so I hope I’m not really spoiling anything, but in the mega-famous 1988 graphic novel The Killing Joke written by Alan Moore, the Joker shoots and paralyzes Barbara, which ultimately changes her character for over 20 years. And as you’ve figured out from the above panels, Zatanna knows what’s about to happen. As nicely as I can put it, there’s nothing she can do to stop this and it sucks. What do you do in this situation? Well, the best you can.
And with a single panel, Batgirl’s permanently confined to a wheelchair. Worse yet, the Joker doesn’t even know Barbara is Batgirl, making her just a cog in his cruel scheme against her father. For the next two decades, Barbara works as Oracle, the information broker and tech support for the Bat family, the Justice League, and even leader of the Birds of Prey, an all-female superhero team. Barbara even got briefly engaged to Grayson. But the sadness, regret, and frustration never truly faded as the character evolved throughout the 1990s and 2000s. Which makes this flashback issue wonderfully bittersweet.
When DC rebooted all their comics in September 2011, Barbara’s paralysis mysteriously healed and she regained her title of Batgirl. Honestly, with the amount of magic, technology, and deus ex machina roaming around the DC universe, she probably could have been cured earlier. Still, as a reader, I’m absolutely delighted to see her once more kicking bad guys.
Princess Sandman and Spider-Man
Posted: 06/26/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentLet me tell you a story about a young girl:
A happy story with a happy ending! Except not, because as you probably guessed from the title of the article, her daddy’s Sandman.
Flint Marko, also known as Sandman, made his first appearance in 1963, a year after Spider-Man’s first comic. A lifelong criminal, Marko escapes from jail and finds himself stuck in a experimental reactor filled with irradiated sand. The sand bonds to his molecular structure and now his whole body is made of it. Cue Sandman. But you probably figured out his origin before I told you.
For forty years, he’s been a pain in Spider-Man’s butt. Also, because of his “condition,” Spider-Man can’t just punch him until victory. Do you remember that Peter Parker’s a science genius? He has to use heat, cold, water, cement, etc. – as long as it changes the structure of the sand, Spider-Man can pull off a win. Which also must make Sandman one of the toughest villains in the rogue gallery. Also one of the smelliest villains, since he’s unable to take a bath.
Well, how did Keemia end up in Sandman’s sand island hideaway?
Mystery solved. A talking snowman took Keemia away. You see the moral dilemma here? Keemia’s mother had been killed and her great-grandmother not exactly a responsible guardian. Now, Keemia’s every need is satisfied and her happiness is Sandman’s only priority. But, y’know, a kidnapping’s still a kidnapping.
Plus, I’m not a scientist or anything, but because of an entire molecule self made entirely out of sand, I don’t think Marko’s very fertile. Or possible of fathering a child. Now I may be wrong. The Marvel universe is a wacky place. For my sake, I’m going to assume Sandman’s not the actual father. And poor Spider-Man, he has to go visit Sandman’s island and have a little chat.
Granted, Marko has an extensive criminal record, but from what we’ve seen so far, looks like Spider-Man’s the villain in this story. Further confirmed with the intense child-superhero interrogation.
Okay, so Marko’s actions are illegal. Yes, he’s still stealing and murdering, but now he’s stealing and murdering for his daughter. I’m also guessing Sandman’s not bringing in a private tutor for Keemia.
Certainly Spider-Man realizes that the kid has no idea what’s best for herself, that Marko can’t be trusted, and leaving Sandman alone on an island will only lead to trouble. But the child’s happier than she’s ever been before. To “rescue” her, he’s going to have to wreck the most joy she’s ever had or will have in her life. Unfortunately, that’s part of the burden of superheroes. Stupid good guys.
We’ve had a tough journey. All sorts of beach perils. Sit back and relish in the satisfying, wonderful ending to the story:
Yeah, so not really satisfying or wonderful. Which brings up an interesting point I’ve addressed before: why is being a superhero always so heart-wrenchingly painful? No matter how many times Spider-Man beats down the bad guys, they’ll return 20 issues later. No matter how many times Spider-Man saves his Aunt May, she’s going to be captured again 25 issues later. No matter how many people he saves, Spider-Man will always be hated by the city he devotes his life to protecting. We’re not even counting the bijillions of bruises, broken bones, cuts, and concussions. And finally, when Spider-Man does everything right, when he rescues the delusional little girl from the grasps of an insane supervillain, his reward is just as bad as if he never rescued her at all. So why does he continue to be Spider-Man?
I had originally written a 400 word paragraph on the importance and societal role of Spider-Man, but I think the answer’s simpler than that. He’s not Spider-Man for some obsessive responsibility. Look, it sucks to take out the garbage, do the dishes, and go on errands around town. But you still do them, because that’s just how life works. Same thing with Spider-Man. He’s Spider-Man because someone has to do it and unfortunately, he got stuck with the job. Though the perks include meeting famous people, marrying a supermodel, and saving the lives of thousands of people, so it’s not all bad.
But enough overthinking. Let’s see some dancing tomorrow.
Arousing Grammar 