Midweek Superman slugfest

I bet you’ve had a tough week.  Lots of paperwork due right before Thanksgiving, right?  I have just the cure for your work/school blues: one insanely strong man punching another insanely strong man.  It’s like UFC, but without all that heavy breathing and cage hugging.

Today, we’ll check out the fight scene in Superman #677-680, written by James Robinson and drawn by Renato Guedes.  Now, I’m skipping almost all manner of back story and plot.  You want the reasons that a shady organization would bring an angry titan through time to battle the Man of Steel? You want to know why Lois Lane is jealous that Superman’s hanging out with Zatanna?  You want to see Superman and Green Lantern bond over a game of space fetch?  Too bad, you have to buy the book.  This article’s just about punching.

Usually when muscular, shirtless men demand to see Superman, we can be pretty sure they’re not looking for ab workouts.

Atlas, a time traveler that has been granted Superman-esque powers, originally appeared very briefly in 1975 before being brought back for this arc.  Forgive his manners, by the way.  Men from three thousand years ago are always so rude.

What makes this fight different than that other famous punchfest (Doomsday) briefly referenced in this arc?  Magic, of course.  Y’see, after exhausting every avenue for kryptonite trickery, writers had to find a new weakness.  It got to the point where there’s an actual supervillain made entirely out of kryptonite.  So they decided on magic, and unfortunately, Atlas is full of it.

While Superman doesn’t have Batman’s intelligence or Wonder Woman’s arsenal, he does have an unwavering persistence.  Usually despite overwhelming odds or forces.  I guess that’s sort of in the job description for superhero.

Superman can only take so much punishment.  Even from a man whose outfit resembles more of a backyard wrestling team than a threatening supervillain.  Is the arc over?  Any more challengers willing to fight the guy who just KO’d Earth’s strongest man?  Well, there is one brave enough.

I know the dog just talked.  In comics decades ago, Krypto actually had a human-level intelligence.  While I’m not really keen on Krypto doing things like expressing feelings or narrating text boxes, who am I to let it get in the way of a superpowered dog fight?  Suffice to say, Atlas (and the reader) does not see this coming.

I assume most comic book readers aren’t terribly fond of animals being punched.  Look, Krypto getting slugged serves two practical storytelling purposes.  First, if a dog is chewing on your neck, you’d probably punch it too.  And more importantly, no one attacks Superman’s dog and gets away with it.  No one.

Superman wins.  Of course he wins.  It’d be a terrible comic if he lost.

Controversial statement: Superman’s a dork.  The guy’s unrelentingly cheesy and frustratingly sincere at the same time.  The DC universe eats it up, and none of his peers will tell him otherwise.  I love it. Being the world’s first superhero has some major benefits.

Someone’s getting an extra bowl of kibble tonight.

Robin vs. Red Hood

Tim Drake may be the most “normal” of the Robins.  He’s not a former circus acrobat.  He didn’t live on the streets as a homeless thug.  He wasn’t raised by the League of Assassins.  Sure, his parents were famous world-traveling archaeologists, but for the most part, Drake grew up normal and well-adjusted.  More importantly, after Dick Grayson left the position to become Nightwing, and Jason Todd’s dislike by the fans prompted his early death, Drake stepped into the role to both critical and fan acclaim.  He served as Robin just shy of 20 years, from 1989 to 2009.  For the current generation reading comics, Drake is their Robin.

We go back a little in time to the mid-2000s.  Todd (now Red Hood) just came back to life, and enraged over Batman’s refusal to avenge his death and a new, younger Robin patrolling the streets of Gotham.  Also, Todd’s insane.

You, my friends, get to witness the first encounter Todd and Drake ever had in Teen Titans #29, written by Geoff Johns and drawn by Tony S. Daniel.  Lucky you.

On weekends, Drake fights crime with other sidekicks in the Teen Titans.  I mean, they’re all accomplished superheroes in their own right, but being smack in the middle of puberty makes it difficult to join the Justice League.  Oh, and one night, Todd broke into the Teen Titans headquarters to beat the crap out of his replacement.

Yes, I find it as weird as you do that he somehow made an adult Robin costume.  As for the two fighters, Drake’s smarter and a far better strategist, but he’s smaller and weaker than Todd.  By this point, Todd may have actually had more training – he learned alongside Bruce Wayne’s old mentors during the years everyone thought Todd was dead.  Though to be fair to Drake, he does use a stick.

Look, despite Red Hood’s bonafide supervillain status, his anger isn’t totally unjustified.  I mean, he’s definitely going about this the wrong way, but he believes with all of his heart and soul that his death meant nothing to Batman and the others.  Drake replaced him fairly quickly and the Joker continues to run free and happy.  Is Todd wrong?  Absolutely, though hard to convince him otherwise.

I just want to make sure you remember that when Todd was Robin, his costume didn’t have pants.

Todd’s biggest weakness has always been his temper.  Maybe his victim mentality.  Either way, the dude is way overdue for therapy.  The adult Robin costume may be the biggest warning sign yet.

By the way, the evidence strongly backs up Drake’s claims.  Batman will never forgive himself for letting Todd die under his watch.  Makes for powerful character development and whatnot.

Unfortunately, victory goes to Red Hood.  But even in defeat, Drake is still a badass.  C’mon, buddy, do you think you’re that good now?  Do you really, Tim?

And like all good Bat people, the Red Hood disappears into the night, leaving his call sign for any other Teen Titans who dare cross him:

Okay, that dude seriously needs professional help.

If you want to see Drake and Todd battle again, they clash in Batman: Battle for the Cowl #2.  And instead of two Robin costumes, both are wearing Batman suits.  Stuff like that just happens.  By the way on a final note, in the rebooted DC universe, Drake never became Robin, instead crime fighting as Red Robin from the moment he stepped into the Batcave.  So this story may not have ever happened in the new DC canon.  Though you know where it’ll always be alive and well?  That’s right, I’m pointing to my heart.

Superman and the Darkseid beatdown

Continuing our Superman family theme, I would be a poor commentator if I didn’t bring up the main man himself.  Now, I don’t really agree with critics that say the guy’s overpowered.  Yes, he’s actually been shown before literally pushing the moon.  But with his powers firmly established, the comic book writers adapted accordingly.  They introduced weaknesses like kryptonite and magic.  They introduced tougher bad guys, including a few that are equal to (if not surprassing) Superman in strength.  Like Darkseid.

Darkseid, the evil alien dictator of Apokolips, is the second strongest of Superman’s baddies after Doomsday (I believe).  The dude’s been around since 1970 causing trouble with a full-size demon army and an irrational grudge.  Oh, and that one time he kidnapped Supergirl in Superman/Batman #11-13, written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Michael Turner.

Poor Supergirl just got reintroduced a few issues before, yet the young lady didn’t realize her cousin has a rogue gallery hundreds long and with plenty of demented foes willing to steal Superman’s teenage relative.  Do these dudes know Superman can push moons?  Though today isn’t about Supergirl’s rescue, it is a fantastic way to piss off the Man of Steel.

Eventually Batman saves the day with an immediately played trump card.  Y’know, because Darkseid could kill him with a light slap if he wanted.

Satisfying ending for the good guys.  Now time to show Supergirl the family farm in Smallville. Introduce her to his parents.  Have a home-cooked meal and swap stories of his youth.

Or not.

Let’s be fair.  Superman may possibly be the kindest, gentlest superhero in the DC universe.  Thank god, too, as he possesses the power to crack the planet in half with a single temper tantrum.  Well, until a baddies does something like vaporize his closest living family member before his eyes.  The denial stage of grief doesn’t really play a part here.  Unfortunately for Darkseid, he goes right to stage two: anger.

Darkseid can certainly hold his own against Superman; that’s part of his success as a supervillain. But that also means Superman doesn’t really have to hold back, hitting Darkseid with the full force of a planet-cracking punch — double-edged sword and whatnot.

I want to call this a fight, but Superman spends the rest of the time destroying Darkseid.  You can read the book (or watch the animated movie) for the whole thing.  In true Superman fashion, Darkseid endures not only a savage beating, but also a cliched moral lecture.  And trust me, those lectures are what make Superman, in my unreliable opinion, the perfect definition of a superhero.

You know the best part of brutally taking down egotistical dictators?  The whimpering disbelief.

Superman won’t kill.  He won’t even torture.  But he will imprison you in a magical place filled with monster statues for the rest of eternity.  Big difference, I promise.

As you learned from the last article, Supergirl’s totally still alive and kicking butt.  They faked her death.  Add an Oscar to Superman’s Pulitzer Prize collection.  Most importantly, this arc has my absolute favorite thing in comics: a happy ending.

I mean, a happy ending and Martian Manhunter doing carpentry.

Supergirl fights Luthor, JLA, Supergirl

On Monday, we dealt with Supergirl’s alternative, bustier twin.  Let’s check in with the real deal.

The history of Supergirl (real name Kara Zor-El) may actually be one of the most complicated histories in the history of DC.  She’s gone through so many weird iterations and origin changes that I can’t begin to explain (or understand) it.  But in 2004, they reset her origin in Superman/Batman #8, once again making her Superman’s cousin that was trapped in her spaceship’s suspended animation for decades.  Hence why she immediately has her Kryptonian powers (that Superman developed throughout puberty) and she’s the same age as when she got evacuated from Krypton (still sixteen years-old despite Superman having aged thirty-five years or so).

And if you get a chance, definitely read her introduction arc in Superman/Batman.  It’s so good they made an animated movie about it.  Lots of cool fights.  Batman threatening Darkseid.  An evil Supergirl.  Unfortunately for Kara, that whole evil persona thing didn’t really get solved until Supergirl #3-5, written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Ian Churchill.

Baby steps, though.  First, she decides to have a chat with Lex Luthor.  If you’re not caught up on comics, this is not your grandpa’s Luthor.  No longer the zany mad scientist with a bitter grudge, Luthor has evolved brilliantly in the past few decades into an extremely capable, powerful psychopath with a bitter grudge.

Megalomania aside, don’t mess with Luthor.  He’s Superman’s arch-nemesis for a reason.  That and one more trick up his sleeve.

Did you know black kryptonite creates a second Supergirl that’s all foul and no sunshine?

With a single punch, the fight changes setting to the Justice League Watchtower on the moon.  She hits hard.  You don’t get to see the JLA fight, sadly (buy the book for that), but just know that evil Supergirl takes down Green Lantern, Flash, Hawkman, Black Canary, and Martian Manhunter by herself.  It’s impressive.  Finally, the real Supergirl recovers and joins the fight.

Evil Supergirl still going strong and the JLA about to take a second beating, Kara brings to fight to the one person that she knows can defeat her evil twin.

Round 2, begin.

You can click the picture for a bigger version if the text’s hard to read.  With evil Kara now outnumbered four-to-one, each of her opponents absolutely capable of defeating her, she switches her strategy.  To sneakiness.

Which one’s the real Supergirl?  I dunno, the one smugly smirking?  Superman, not exactly the world’s greatest detective, figures he’ll solve the problem the only way he knows how.

And now witness one of the coolest Superman moments in comics.  You may bash Superman for his blatant morality, clumsy secret identity, and underwear outside the pants, but you can never bash him for his strength.  The most powerful being on the planet.

Nothing better than Superman putting someone in his or her place.  Realizing the gravity of the situation, the Supergirls agree to be magically bound by Wonder Woman and take their 50/50 chance of replacing the other one.

The winner?  Duh, you already know the answer, but it’s much more fun to have it decided in a dramatic, totally necessary explosion.  Feel good stuff.  Plus, just like all good teenager stories, she even recites the life lesson she learned on today’s episode.  Listen for the music to swell.

Now officially a genuine superhero.  Saving the day as soon as she finishes biology class.

Wonder Woman’s Medusa rumble, Pt. 2

Picking up right where we left off, Wonder Woman’s pissed and ready to ruin Medusa for turning a young child to stone.  Now, many things incur Wonder Woman’s ire: injustice, suffering, pants.  But killing innocent youngsters?  Athena’s champion ain’t going to take that.

Look, a reasonable person might ask, why won’t Superman just rush in and throw Medusa into the sun? Well, Superman doesn’t kill, you jerk.  And also, petty squabbles between gods have pretty strict exclusion rules.

If you wish to judge the two opponents’ skill, Wonder Woman may possibly be the finest warrior in the DC universe, especially when you give her useful stuff like swords.  Medusa certainly doesn’t have a shot of winning this in a fair fight.  But we all know nothing’s fair about this fight.  Especially that one advantage where Medusa will be able to actually see her challenger.

Nothing beats formal trash talking.  I adore it.  Also, thanks to Circe’s magic, the brawl on the baseball diamond gets televised to the entire world.

So I can’t show you every panel of the fight.  I think that violates some fair use laws and the whole point of this blog is for you to buy more comics anyway.  But I’ll happily show you some highlights, because I care about you.

You know my favorite part about Wonder Woman’s taunting?  She doesn’t even know what damage she just inflicted on the gorgon.  She hears Medusa’s scream and then mocks her.  Batman would also that too.

If Medusa wins the fight, she plans to be Poseidon’s pawn and turn enormous amounts of people to stone.  That’s just what mean people do.  To be fair to Medusa, I would also lose the majority of my mercy and good-natured attitude if I was turned into a hideous monster because Poseidon decided to crash into my bedroom and, uh, suspend my license.  I’m not really good at analogies.

Do you enjoy mythical beasts getting pummeled by beautiful, strong-willed role models?

Now the moment of triumph still eludes our hero.  Not just because Medusa can take a punch.  Y’see, when you fight blindfolded, your offense may still be pretty solid, but the defense tends to suffer.  I’m not a scientist or anything, but I imagine seeing attacks usually helps dodging them.

I don’t know if you noticed, but sometimes when Medusa speaks, her dialogue bubble turns purple. Along with snake-hair, stone vision, and awesome wings, Medusa also has a magical power that compels people to stare at her against their will.  With no more blindfold, Wonder Woman has to take drastic measures to prevent that magic from doing her in.  And I do mean drastic.

C’mon, you just witness comic book heroism at its greatest.  Wonder Woman, realizing that she couldn’t last any longer against Medusa’s spell, sacrifices her eyesight permanently to defeat the monster and save the world from total petrification.  Well, at least she gets a super cool victory moment:

The gods, unwilling or unable to fight their own battles, have crippled the greatest of their mortal soldiers in their silly arguments.  Such is fate.  Such is the cost of dealing with gods.

Terribly sad conclusion, but I do make a promise: everything bad you’ve just witnessed in this arc ends happily.  Eventually.  It takes another good dozen issues or so, but the resolution is joyful and satisfactory.  And that’s good, because I’m a big fan of happy endings.