Arch-nemesis rumble: Fantastic Four

I’d like to start the week with something simple.  How about the Fantastic Four vs. Dr. Doom?

Their rivalry goes back to Fantastic Four #5, volume 1, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Jack Kirby all the way back in 1962.

Exciting, right?  I’d like to touch more on what happens in their first encounter, but it gets weird:

Let’s jump ahead a few decades.  Now, instead of being the lovable trickster he first appeared to be, the character has transformed into one of the most feared and dangerous villains in the Marvel universe.  If my research is accurate, Dr. Doom has appeared in almost 2,000 issues of comics, making him the third most frequent villain in both DC and Marvel history (only behind Lex Luthor and Magneto).  Nowadays he rules his own tiny Eastern European country and with politics/diplomacy how they are, it takes a lot of paperwork for him to step onto US soil.

Our story picks up in Fantastic Four #536-537, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Mike McKone.  Let’s enjoy a nice, quick brawl between the top superhero family and their arch-nemesis.

I’ll tell you what happened!  In the middle of rural Oklahoma, something flew down from the sky and created a big ol’ crater.  Remind you of movie Thor’s origin?  It should.

Yup, Mjolnir, the super cool hammer that gives Thor all his super cool superpowers.  With Thor not around to claim his property, Dr. Doom swoops in, because that’s what Dr. Doom does.

What are Doombots you ask?  Robots that look, act, and have most of the powers of Dr. Doom.  Mainly used so when the good guys take out Dr. Doom, it’s actually a Doombot and the supervillain lives to fight another day.  Or, I guess, as an army.  Good news for this story, though, because no Doombot could possibly lift Mjolnir, the real thing has to be there.  Which one?  No idea, but at least the (burned) flesh and (boiled) blood will be fighting alongside the robot lookalikes.

Okay, you’re getting highlights of the fight.  But surely, this’ll be enough smashing to satisfy.

Now as politically damaging as this little escapade is for the Latverian dictator, supervillains tend not to ponder the breaking of laws and consequences of their actions.  Plus, no one can really punish him.  Diplomatic unity or some other stuff I don’t understand.

More importantly, Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman pose an interesting inquiry.

Everything said in the previous panel is absolutely 100% true.  Dr. Doom became stranded in Hell with no way out.  Happens to the best of us.  Trust me, Hell ain’t a bed of roses and baby farm animals, even for the evilest of comic book wrongdoers:

How awesome is that panel even out of context?  But he did get out, and yes, it involved Mjolnir.  No, I’m not going to get into it.  We’re here for the clobberin’.

With that, Doom can giddily grab Thor’s hammer and rule the world.

Y’know, except for that whole “if he be worthy” part.  Oh well.  The Excalibur of Marvel ain’t going to budge for the bad doctor.  Now he only has an army of Doombots, mastery of the dark arts, a genius scientific mind, and the adoration of an entire nation.  Hopefully that’ll tide him over until his next power play.

Green Goblin vs. Swordsman

A week ago, we touched on the Thunderbolts battle against Jack Flag.  Super cool fight.  As I continued to read the series, I found the next arc absolutely amazing.  And we’re going to check out a few fights from it.

So, Norman Osborn, Spider-Man’s arch-nemesis and scheming jerk, gained control of the government’s supervillain reformation program the Thunderbolts after convincing SHIELD director Tony Stark that he wanted redemption and a heavy supply of bipolar medication.  Of course, he still plans to betray everyone and grab power and blah blah blah.  Supervillains never change.  One of the recruits for the Thunderbolts team happens to be Andreas von Strucker, the current Swordsman.  Why should you care?  I’ll tell you, don’t be rude.

Swordsman’s the son of Baron Strucker, the World War II evil Nazi maniac that founded HYDRA, one of the two major terrorist organizations that pop up all the time in comics (the other’s AIM).  Andreas’ father, being a bad guy, experimented on the womb of the mother of his twin children, giving them magic powers or something.  Now Swordsman can shoot electricity out of his sword, as long as he’s touching his sister.  One problem.  Sister’s dead.  In a super creepy move, Andreas flayed his sister’s skin and wrapped it around his sword so his special powers still activate.  Gross. Anyway, by joining the Thunderbolts, Osborn promised to clone his sister and reunite the happy family.  One more problem.  Swordsman has waited far too long and his patience has given out.  You know what that means: mutiny on the helicarrier!

Get ready for three battles and a monologue from Thunderbolts #116-121, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Mike Deodato Jr.

Yeah, he’s royalty, but truly, he’s just a dude with a sword and minor twin powers.  For you naysayers, Hawkeye has zero powers and his superheroic accomplishments would take thousands of words.  Plus, I’m about to prove his stuff to you.

Round 1: Swordsman vs. Soldiers

Unfortunately for groups of nameless henchmen, either good or bad, they tend not to live long.  Dudes usually serve as methods for the superhero/supervillain to show off their powers or fighting skills. Y’know, so you aren’t wondering why a guy with a sword can mow down the best of the Marvel universe. Because you see, he’s already taken on a dozen dudes at once.  What’s one more big scary supervillain?  I guess it depends on the supervillain.

Round 2: Swordsman vs. Venom

Why’s the next image so small?  Excuse me while I heap a paragraph of praise on Ellis and Deodato. Essentially, comic books are just another medium to tell a story, like TV, movies, books, etc.  But it’s the next pages that prove how comic books can tell a story in a way that no other form of art can. Please click on the next two images to view the full large versions and see the battle progress in such a manner that other expressive forms don’t have the capability to do.  Storytelling as art.

Oh, absolutely gorgeous.  If I ended my blog here, I’d be satisfied in proving the sheer magnificence of comics.  Plus, technology has been kind to this art form, making comics far prettier than the past few decades.  As you can tell, Andreas emerges the victor.

Gross.  What now?  Swordsman easily defeated one of Spider-Man’s toughest foes and Andreas is significantly weaker than the webslinger.  Well, Venom can be dangerous, but he’s not the most dangerous.  For Swordsman’s coup to succeed, he has to go through the toughest, scariest, and most dangerous of Spider-Man’s rogue gallery.  Rite of passage, I guess.

I present to you the absolute best monologue ever given by a supervillain.  Ellis gives Osborn more character development in the next four pages than he’s been given in years.  It’s a gorgeous, insane rant and just a perfect characterization of the craziest man in the entire good ol’ USA.

Once again, please click on the next image to view the full large version.  It’s worth it.

I dunno if you figured it out yet, probably my complete lack of explanation not helping, but Osborn’s not supposed to be dressing up as his evildoer alter ego.  Negates that whole redemption thing.  Still, sometimes you have to pull out the big guns to take down a threat.

Round 3: Swordsman vs. Green Goblin

The title fight, ladies and gentlemen!  Let’s not delay with weak jokes and unnecessary explanations!

Want to see the face of crazy?  Darn tootin’ you do.

Swordsman, surprised by his quickly approaching foe, gives the appropriate response.

Pumpkin grenades!  People forget that Osborn’s one of the smartest people in the world, most likely on level with Hank Pym and Tony Stark.  His technology has advanced accordingly.  Too bad he’s an insane psychopath.

Battle definitely over.  Green Goblin wins the belt.  Normally in this situation, most government agents would arrest Swordsman or have guards take him away.  Not Osborn.  Supervillains can be so petty and cruel sometimes.

And his punishment for betrayal?

All I’m saying is Nick Fury wouldn’t crucify a teammate.  Anyway, as Green Goblin continues to rampage throughout the helicarrier, Songbird has to face him alone to save everyone aboard.  A super awesome fight, but you’ll have to read the book for that rumble.  In summary, if you ever wonder how a mentally ill man in his mid-50s classifies as one of the top baddies in the Marvel universe, reference this arc.

Wolverine vs. Fantastic Four, Daredevil

It’s Friday and we’ve all had a busy week.  I could write up a lengthy article on the development of characters through the past events of their lives, but who wants to read that to end their week? Instead, let’s have Wolverine claw at superheroes.

So, Wolverine #20-25, volume 3, written by Mark Millar and drawn by John Romita Jr., had this fantastic idea that the most powerful of the ninja cults, The Hand, manages to kill Wolverine (aka Logan).  Yes, it’s possible.  And so how does that lead to Logan slashing his buddies?  Turns out The Hand has the power to resurrect the dead, only with crazy brainwashing filtered in.  They decide to use Wolverine for evil, because that’s what supervillains do.

We’ll take a look at two of his many battles here.

Wolverine vs. Fantastic Four

Logan ain’t a stranger to butting heads with other heroes.  What makes this arc so great is we also get to go inside Wolverine’s head.  Nice to get an insight into his opinions, strategies, and special powers that all get center text box stage.

Unfortunately for Wolverine, the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four live also houses the most advanced and sophisticated security system in the Marvel universe.  Mr. Fantastic, being the smartest man in the world, and two young children to protect provides suitable motivation for all that tech.

And the fight begins!  First up, the Human Torch.

Human Torch incapacitated.  Did you know Wolverine’s the best there is at what he does?  Like taking down a fellow superhero in four panels.  Oh yeah, but there were two FF dudes in the garage.

Let’s talk numbers for a second.  Wolverine may have super strength, but that taps out around 800 pounds, about the same as Captain America.  The Thing maxes out at 100 tons, making him a good 250 times stronger than poor Logan.  Yeah, Wolverine’s faster, but a few rock monster blows to the head would concuss him into failure.

Luckily for our protagonist, he comes out on top.  But how does he fare against science?

Okay, so Wolverine’s cheating.  Shady bad guys can teleport him around.  It happens with the best of us.  Though now he combats with the undisputed most powerful of the Fantastic Four.

The invisibility’s a cool ability, though writers can get immensely more creative with her force field powers.  Like causing someone to stop breathing or explode from the inside.  Wolverine may be a scarily strong hand-to-hand combatant, but will he be able to get out of this jam where martial arts can’t?  Of course he can.  By cheating.

The end.  Fantastic Four wins, I guess.

Wolverine (and ninjas) vs. Daredevil

Luckily for Matt Murdock (Daredevil), Wolverine can’t cheat during this bout.  Though he does bring along a few dozen ninja henchman.  That’s probably cheating.  Oh, and by the way, Logan really hates Daredevil.

Now, Daredevil’s fast.  Insanely fast.  Though to be fair, Wolverine’s most likely quicker, can take more hits, possesses a hundred plus years of martial arts training, and he has 20 ninjas backing him up.  Odds favor our brainwashed X-Man.

No one would argue that Wolverine tends not to be known for being warm and friendly.  The only thing worse than his attitude is his smell.  But he does give us the honor of explaining in excruciating detail his hatred for Murdock.  Spoiler alert: major jealousy.

See?  A fairly legitimate reason, except that Wolverine’s also short, hairy, stinky, unpleasant, emotionally unavailable, and can’t charm his way out of a paper bag if he was being backed up by a battalion of pixies.  That might figure into his slump.  But what do I know?  I’m not a scientist.

Daredevil pulls off a victory here too.  For a reputation as quite possibly the world’s greatest assassin, Wolverine loses fairly often.  Makes his comics more interesting, I assume.

Want the exciting finale of the arc?  Too bad.  But I’m not above a teaser.  That’s my gift to you for reading this whole week or finding this article randomly on the Internet.  Hint: it involves this:

Black Panther vs. Morlun

The last day of Morlun week!   Today, the totem-vampire Morlun takes on Wakanda’s Black Panther! Since this is the first Black Panther article, I want to go briefly into the history and identity, but we should probably bring our antagonist back from the dead first.

There’s our psychopath.  Once he gets clothes, it’ll be time for his African invasion.  An army of one.

Y’see, real countries do exist in the Marvel universe.  They all do.  But when you have dictators or kings, fictional countries tend to be better to avoid angry letters and diplomatic situations.  That’s why we have Dr. Doom’s tiny eastern European country of Latveria, the Asian crime haven of Madripoor, the slave island nation of Genosha, and of course, Black Panther’s Wakanda.

A long time ago, a meteorite made of vibranium crashed into the tiny African country.  Vibranium, also known as the material that Captain America’s shield is made out of, is a lightweight metal that absorbs and nullifies all vibrations and force thrown at it.  As you can imagine, vibranium armor (or shields) can take hits from energy blasts, bullets, explosions, etc. with almost zero damage.  So it’s crazy valuable and fortunately, Wakanda holds almost the entire world’s supply, easily making the nation one of the wealthiest and most technologically advance countries on the planet.  When the nation’s leaders announce with pride that Wakanda has never been conquered by a foreign power, that’s no lie.

And at the top of the Wakanda political chain is Black Panther, the designated title of the king or queen.  To become the Black Panther, you still have to be born into the royal family, but you also have to earn the blessing of the Panther God.  Look, that’s just how it works.  T’Challa, the most widely known Black Panther, has been around since 1966, making him the first mainstream black superhero in American comics.  T’Challa happens to be a super genius naturally (confirmed as one of the eight smartest people on the planet), but with the Panther God’s blessing, he has superhuman strength, agility, and tracking abilities.  Also, he’s married to the X-Man Storm.

On to our story, we pick up with Black Panther #3-6, volume 5, written by Reginald Hudlin and drawn by Ken Lashley.  T’Challa got caught in an ambush and is currently in a coma fighting skeletons in some death limbo (read it yourself).  But Morlun’s on his way and it looks like the last line of defense resides in T’Challa’s sister, Shuri.  But she is the final trump card, so let’s see how the first few maneuvers go.

Okay, not well.  Though I think the Wakandan dude is way more shocked that Morlun’s skirt survived the explosions.  Look, we’ve seen Morlun’s toughness all week.  A few hundred missiles ain’t going to take him down.  Shuri, you’re up.  Bad time to mention this is her first time donning the costume?

Let’s not forget the reason for Morlun’s supervillainy.  To live, he needs to absorb the energy of animal “totems,” men or women chosen by animal avatars or something like that.  Black Panther totally qualifies since he’s a good half a planet away from our pal Spider-Man.  And while not a terribly angry guy, Morlun’s not going to let a spear through the torso go unpunished.  I mean, he has a reputation.

So the fight’s not going too well.  But Black Panther has a plan.  Keep in mind, she doesn’t even come close to Spider-Man’s strength, speed, and agility, and he got his butt handed to him.  If you wonder how she can take the brutal hits Morlun dishes, her costume’s made of vibranium mesh instead of Spider-Man’s costume, which is mainly the same stuff gymnasts use in their leotards.

I agree, that’s a really nice jet bike.  Vibrainium brings in a hefty profit, trust me.  And besides looking cool and flying, the bike has one more nifty feature perfect for capturing dangerous supervillains.

While it’s a net made of adamantium, will it hold Morlun’s crazy super strength?  No way.

She doesn’t.  I hate to spoil stuff for you, but I’m sure you could have figured that out on your own. Also, she’s really just going along with the secret plan we don’t know about yet.  Morlun’s like a Hulk. Because he’s so unbelievably strong, he can simply punch his way through any obstacles.  The quickest way to any place is a straight line, and Morlun will just kick down any walls that might make him go around.  But this is Wakanda, a nation that succeeded mainly because of their genius and ingenuity.  That and shamans.

Hey, remember that skeleton army death limbo side story that T’Challa and Storm are hanging out in? Well, guess which shaman has the key to that spiritual doorway?

And Morlun’s forever trapped.  Yay!  Since this is currently his last appearance in Marvel comics, we can just assume that he’s still there fighting the infinite amount of undead minions.  He deserves worse, but with his bad habit of being resurrected from the dead, maybe this’ll be the safest for our honorable crime fighters.  And Shuri?  Well, she gets to keep the Black Panther title and become queen.  You and I both agree she earned it, right?  Spider-Man certainly would.

Next week we’ll have some happy stories.  Well, at least one.

Spider-Man takes on Morlun, Pt. 3

Comic books are famous for a revolving door of death.  Characters and villains who get killed usually get resurrected after a few months/years.  It’s silly to whine about.  Peter Parker got his superpowers by getting bit by a radioactive spider and we choose to complain that the Green Goblin somehow returned from the dead?  So after Morlun’s demise in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man #35, he somehow comes back five years later.  How?  No one knows, and really, that’s not important.

In The Other, a 12 issue crossover event, Spider-Man gets a blood test and finds out he’s dying.  No cure, no hope, nothing.  Ouch.  Written by Peter David, Reginald Hudlin, and J. Michael Straczynski throughout the pages of Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #1-4,  Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #19-22, and Amazing Spider-Man #525-528.  Spider-Man has to learn to accept his upcoming death.  Oh, and births himself.  It’s weird.  Anyway, Morlun’s story takes place mostly in the middle.  We’re going to read parts of it together.

Before they brawl, Morlun shows up a few times to warn Spider-Man of what’s ahead.  Like Spider-Man’s face getting caved in.

Rinse and repeat a few more times.  But despite his sociopathic tendencies, you can’t say Morlun’s not a man of his word.

Hoping for any new revelations or situations regarding their repeat fight?  Nope.  Morlun’s (probably) the toughest opponent Spider-Man has ever faced, and in the wake of his soon-to-be death, Parker must prove himself worthy to live his final few days.  Remember, Morlun’s after Spider-Man’s “life essence,” the energy he gives out by being the spider “totem.”  If that’s confusing, I covered it in my detail in parts one and two.

Notice that Spider-Man’s doing fairly better than last time.  Normally I use this opportunity to next show the opposite of what I just proclaimed.  Not this time.

Well, for a few more pages at least.  Now Spider-Man gets his butt handed to him.

Yup, this looks familiar.  So what’s next?  Where he musters up the last bit of his strength and courage to strike back at his tormentor?  Absolutely.  That’s why we read comics in the first place.

Poor Spider-Man.  This is the moment he swings from the scene victorious and into the loving arms of Mary Jane.  The Avengers all pat him on the back and life continues as normal, just with more wisdom and confidence.  But not this time.  He only won the first story with Ezekiel’s sudden assistance and a large injection of radiation.  Unfortunately, now he has neither.  Which means Morlun wins.

Well, at least he went out the proper superhero way instead of slowly succumbing to his mysterious illness.  Sadly for Morlun, his feasting time gets interrupting by New York’s finest.  But don’t worry, he’s a very patient man.

What now?  The cops have to remove his mask, breathing worries and such.  With his identity out in the public, how will that affect his widow and family?

Or not.  Ouch.  Well, he’s not exactly dead, but let’s be fair, there’s no coming back from that.

I’m going to spoil: the Avengers don’t make it in time.  Which leaves Parker’s defense up to only one warrior.  Who’s brave enough to fight the man who killed a superhero?  It would take tremendous balls to blindly attack the strongest supervillain in Spider-Man’s rogue gallery.  Or at least good looks.

Does she stand a chance?  Well, Mary Jane’s a supermodel, not a superhero.  Also, she has no idea who Morlun is or what he’s capable of.  But she’s about to find out.

That last panel remains super important.  Understanding the “totem” being a mix of man and animal, so while the man has been destroyed by Morlun, he’s not just a man.  Finally Morlun will truly understand who’s he up against and why he should never, ever have hurt the single most important person in Spider-Man’s life.

Remember when I mentioned briefly in part one that a major theme of the first half of the 2000s was whether Spider-Man’s power source was science or magic?  Here’s an argument for the latter.

Awesome, right?  Arm spikes!  Let me try to explain.  Besides being super cool, this was the start of a transformation for the comic book version of Spider-Man.  Y’see, comics are a business, and the movie version (with Toby McGuire) had just recently came out.  Well, what better time to get new fans into comics, right?  It’s good for the industry, and commonly, Marvel will adjustment their characters accordingly.  Since movie Spider-Man had organic web shooters, time for comic Spider-Man to get some too.  Except Parker can’t just wake up one day with some random evolution.

The Other event allowed Spider-Man to get some new neato powers, like the spikes, organic webs, night vision, among others.  Why?  Well, why not?  Though in 2007, during the deal he makes with the demon Mephisto to save Aunt May’s life at the expense of his and Mary Jane’s marriage, his extra powers all disappeared.  So now he’s back to how he was before The Other, though that’s how the comic book status quo always works.

Anyway, with Morlun perished once more and Mary Jane saved, the two embrace one final time.

He’s dead.  I’m not lying this time.  But with his passing, The Other still has five more issues to go. What happens to him and how does he come back to life?  Sorry, you have to go read and find out, because Morlun week isn’t over.

Tomorrow, witness Morlun’s last appearance in the Marvel universe (so far).  He goes toe-to-toe with Black Panther.  In Africa.  I’m excited too.

Spider-Man takes on Morlun, Pt. 2

We’ll pick up right where we left off.  Y’know, where old man Ezekiel tells Spider-Man he has no chance and is going to die.  What a bummer.  Unfortunately, as I said yesterday, the minute Spider-Man loses Morlun, the supervillain will just kill civilians and wreck the city until Spider-Man shows up again.  Sure, Spider-Man just got caught in an explosion a few minutes before, but he has to jump right back into the action.  Mainly because Morlun’s a jerk:

Maybe Peter Parker should invest in a spider-coat, because I don’t think any tailor is good enough to sew that outfit back together.  Witness Spider-Man’s nerd rage against Morlun’s supervillainy.  And by the way, Morlun’s the perfect supervillain.  Every action he takes is for the completion of his own selfish goals.  He spews apathy and disregard for anyone or anything who gets in his way, no matter how many lives are ruined or how much destruction is caused.  Well, that and a significant satisfaction when the hero fights back.  And oh, does he fight back.

Game over?  Well, no, because this is the just the start of the article.  But as painful as the fight was, the getaway isn’t any less joyous.

Now Spider-Man has like five or six minutes before Morlun catches up to him.  Probably less.  Spider-Man’s hit that well-dressed hippie with every ounce of strength and move in his arsenal.  He knows he’s going to lose.  And if you only have a few moments left before you’re pounded into mush and drained of your life force, what would you do?  I know you as the reader aren’t blasting Enya while you read these, but please understand the emotional intensity in the next scene.  He makes the last phone call of his life.

Luckily, in the first good news since this arc began, Spider-Man finally has some help.  Not Hulk or X-Men help, but still help.  And oh, how it’s sweet.

You have to buy the comic book to see the process through which Ezekiel changes his mind.  But he does.  Y’see, Ezekiel, having the same powers as Spider-Man, also qualifies as a “totem” that Morlun wants to absorb.  So with the extra muscle comes far higher stakes.

Look, Parker’s not Reed Richards smart.  Or Bruce Banner smart or Tony Stark smart or Hank Pym smart or T’Challa smart or you get the idea, but he does have all the makings of a science genius. And with his high science IQ, he examines, studies, and realizes a neat little truth about his seemingly invincible opponent.

Well, with Morlun fast approaching and Spider-Man’s final act of desperation underway, everything we’ve seen and every attack that’s been thrown has led up to this moment.  Has Morlun drank his last cappucino?

Morlun didn’t know today would also be educational.  Let Spider-Man explain.  Using science.

After four issues of Morlun smacking around Spider-Man while Spider-Man futilely defends himself, the tide has finally turned.  What follows is a good half an issue of Parker just pounding on Morlun.  I’ll show you one or two of the highlights.

Eventually because fights have winners and losers, the radiation takes a toll on our antagonist.  Struck against the wall of the laboratory (symbolically), we see his true form, his final plea, and the thrilling conclusion.

Victory!  With that, Spider-Man’s broken bones, charred back, massive radiation poisoning, and bruised everything can finally heal.  He does heal at an accelerated rate, but I’m talking a few days instead of a year and a half of surgery and rehabilitation.  Oh, and he should probably take care of the final loose end:

Besides the crazy beating Spider-Man endures, what makes this story so important?  Ezekiel does return for an awesome story a few arcs later (that you should find and read), but it’s nothing long-lasting.  Y’see, the fight against Morlun changes the series for a good decade.  Because of this:

Yeah, that’s a big deal.

Morlun week continues tomorrow with his resurrection and return.  Oh, and I hope you like punching, because by comparison, it makes these first two parts look like a birthday party.

Spider-Man takes on Morlun, Pt. 1

It’s Morlun week!  Nope, not a drunken misspelling of King Arthur’s wizard.  The next four days will chronicle Morlun’s entire appearance in the Marvel universe: about 14 issues and 3 arcs.  He’s minor for sure, but this supervillain may be the most dangerous foe Spider-Man has ever fought.  I’m not just saying that to get you to read my article, I promise.

Now, because I’m not exactly sure how Fair Use applies to comic books (and the fights are practically every page of the issues), I’m only going to show you like a third to half the pages of their fights.  The goal of this blog is to get you to go out and buy comics anyway, so you have to plop down some money to see the whole thing (also the whole I don’t want to have to take down my website).  Before we start though, let’s talk about Peter Parker!

Spider-Man’s my favorite superhero.  I’ll freely and proudly admit it to friends, family, dates, etc.  But let’s be fair, he’s not exactly one of the heavy hitters of the Marvel universe.  He couldn’t take Thor or Hulk, for instance.  Heck, remember this scene from Amazing Spider-Man #534?

And keep in mind, Spider-Man’s far stronger, faster, and more agile than Captain America.  But regardless of his shortcomings, he’s relentless, smart, and has immense moral integrity.  I’m saying Spider-Man would beat the crap out of Hawkeye.

Anyway, we go back to Amazing Spider-Man #30-35, volume 2, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by John Romita Jr.  This arc actually won the 2002 Eisner award for best serialized story, which are the Oscars for comics.  Parker just took a job as a science teacher at his old high school and life’s not too bad (a sharp contrast from around the previous 40 years of Spider-Man comics).  Then, he suddenly an old man named Ezekiel finds him, who just so happens to have the exact same powers as dear Parker.  More importantly, turns out Ezekiel has some inside information about an upcoming threat.  Y’know, Morlun.

Let me explain about Morlun.  Turns out certain superheroes and villains throughout history have been animal “totems,” essentially a combo between men and animals.  This Morlun has traveled the world hunting down these totems, because he needs occasionally to drain  “life force” from these totems in order to live.  I mean, a really good totem could subsist him for a hundred years or so, and unfortunately, Spider-Man fits the profile.  This story is actually the start of the idea that last from the first half of the 2000s that maybe Spider-Man’s powers are more magical than scientific, which is a super cool idea.

Anyway, Morlun found out what city Spider-Man lives in, waited until the Fantastic Four/Avengers were out of town, and attempts to draw him out.

I wasn’t lying when I said Morlun may possibly be the most dangerous enemy Spider-Man’s ever fought.  Y’see, besides hitting crazy hard, he has some extra scary perks.  Not a good day for Spider-Man.  Oh, but Morlun will tell you.

Spider-Man totally has this.  Check out this montage:

But I don’t think I’ve been clear enough.  What’s so hardcore about a well-dressed long-haired strongman?  I mean, he doesn’t have electric powers or a flying glider or anything.

I guess he can also absorb life force from normal people too.  Even nice people who just want to know if the man who fell fifteen stories isn’t dead.  Spider-Man doesn’t have a rage problem, but he’ll get plenty angry.  Remember this incident?  And sucking energy out of innocent civilians certainly helps rile our hero up.

If you like punching, this arc is about 90% punching.  Just saying.

So what’s the problem with running away for a little bit to recover?  Well, two main setbacks.  First, Morlun can track him.  And second, the minute Spider-Man gets too far away, Morlun’ll kill civilians and wreck the city until Spider-Man fights him again.  And sadly, for all his spider-powers, spider-healing is not one of them.

Yes, let’s cheer together!  Spider-Man’s fought hundreds of bad guys thousands of times and he’s come out on top every single time.  One vampire-ish dude in a trench coat ain’t going to be the one who does him in.  Though as you know, Morlun fights dirty.

Sure, Morlun only has one henchman, but to be fair, that’s one more than you or I have.  Unless you are a supervillain, in which case I apologize and please don’t hurt me.

Can you guess who Spider-Man’s mysterious benefactor might be?  I’m going to spoil it: Ezekiel. That dude runs a major corporation, has extensive knowledge about our antagonist, and has had spider-powers for decades.  He’ll definitely have some good advice.

Well, that sucks.  To be continued indeed!