Superman vs. Earth-Man
Posted: 07/23/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 4 CommentsStop me if you’ve heard this before. In the 31st century, alien xenophobia runs rampant. Y’see, the future Justice League believes that Superman was actually born and raised on Earth, protecting the planet from all the harm of the evil aliens. We know this isn’t true. The Legion of Superheroes knows this isn’t true. The people of Earth though, believe it wholeheartedly. So Earth law decrees all aliens and alien supporters need to be killed or kicked off planet. Because Superman is a symbol or something. Look, what’s important is that the Justice League are the bad guys and the Legion of Superheroes are the good guys. And when Superman gets transported into the future to help out, he fights with the Legion.
One little problem. In the 31st century, Earth’s sun shines red. For the uninitiated, why is this bad? Well, remember there used to be a whole planet of Kryptonians like Superman. Yet they had the all the superpowers of you or me. The reason, we find out, is because red solar rays nullify any superpowers. Yellow solar rays make Superman what we know and love. If that sounds kind of dumb to you, also understand that Superman just used a time machine to go a thousand years into the future. Suspend your disbelief and buckle in for the ride. How has Batman dodged hundreds of thousands of bullets in his crime fighting career? Because he has, that’s why.
Anyway, Earth-Man, a supervillain whose power lets him permanently absorb the powers of other superheroes, leads the evil Justice League. At the climax of the story, which is our focus today, he possesses every superpower in his time. Superman, of course, currently has no powers. That’s not going to stop him as they sneak into the evil space station. Enjoy the final issue of Superman and the Legion of Superheroes, written by Geoff Johns and drawn by Gary Frank.
That dazed alien lady’s one of the lost Legion(naires?). Also, as Superman’s suspicious look suggest, she’s not one the Legion(naires?).
Turns out Earth-Man absorbed some shapeshifting. And why does Earth-Man want to kill the symbol and inspiration for all the future Earth’s superheroes? Insecurities, greed, and other personality blunders I’m not going to show you. More importantly, this is like Batman going up against Superman, if Batman didn’t have any kryptonite, a utility belt, or anywhere to hide.
Not going well for our hero, huh? But despite his name, you know something Earth-Man doesn’t have? Yes, the unrelenting spirit of humankind. Y’know, the stuff that the alien from Krypton spills out of every pore. Allow me to present the next few panels clearly exhibiting both the bravest and stupidest action Superman has ever taken.
Now before you anxiously await the next panel where Superman’s head pops, that ring he wears lets him fly on Earth and in space. Unfortunately, Earth-Man also knows this.
As we cut back to the space station, the tension builds. Superman has about a minute before he becomes superpaste. Y’see, the superhero Sunboy had been used to keep the sun a nice shade of crimson. Can the Legion wake him up in time using their secret weapon of attractive alien tongue?
Of course they can. But will Superman get his powers back in time?
Of course he will. Who leads the Justice League back in the 21st century? Who commands respect and admiration through his unwavering moral attitude? Darn tootin’ it’s Superman.
You have to understand, Superman most likely has the ability and power to single-handedly destroy planets. No one’s stronger, faster, or tougher than the Man of Steel. His crazy amount of power makes his devotion to the law of his country and protecting the innocent citizens impossible to stray from. Because the second he punches a hole through a criminal’s chest or doesn’t pay his taxes, the people of Earth will cry themselves in fear. If he didn’t hold back, no one could stop him. You know why Batman can beat Superman? Because Superman has too much moral integrity to simply smush Bruce Wayne into a wall smear within milliseconds of their fight.
And now Earth-Man is going to know who he’s really up against. He’s going to understand why of all the superheroes in existence, Superman’s legacy rings the loudest a thousand years later.
Though to be fair, Earth-Man does happen to have all of Superman’s powers. And some extra ones.
What does he have? A ray gun?
Oh, way better than a ray gun. I’m skipping a page or two, but the Legion of Superheroes, freshly revived from their space pods, attacks Earth-Man all at once. They actually do fairly well, until our antagonist unleashes his rainbow powers. Still, our villain lost the fight the moment Superman gained back his strength.
Delightful knockout. Don’t feel bad, Earth-Man’s a sociopath and deserved every bit of humiliation. Plus, now all the superheroes get to celebrate the only way comic books end. That’s right. Flyovers and smiles.
Happy endings are the best. You’re wrong if you disagree.
Death of the Green Lanterns
Posted: 07/18/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 1 CommentEmphasis on plural Green Lanterns. Because for those who aren’t terribly familiar with comics, Green Lantern comics have an insane amount of blood, gore, and death. Surprisingly so. And I’m going to prove it to you in today’s article.
Some quick background info. Green Lanterns are the intergalactic police force, run by the tiny blue Guardians. At any point in time, there are 7,200 flying around, two for each designated sector of the galaxy. Despite massive casualties, Green Lanterns are super tough. The power ring given to each one runs off of willpower and allows the wearer to make “constructs,” which is literally anything they have their mind set on. It’s a cool concept. When one dies (happens a lot), the green power ring soars to the closest qualified alien.
Now a few years back, Sinestro, the former Green Lantern who became leader of the Sinestro Corps (yellow rings that run on fear), started a war with the Green Lanterns. The phenomenal event took place throughout Green Lantern #21-25, written by Geoff Johns and drawn by Ivan Reis, and Green Lantern Corps #14-19, written by Dave Gibbons and Peter Tomasi and drawn by Patrick Gleason and Angel Unzueta.
Let’s skip the exposition and jump straight into the first ambush.
See? That’s what constructs can do. A flamboyant rings creates a military grade sniper rifle out of sheer willpower. That shoots willpower bullets.
Not just because I think it’s funny, but we should talk about the idea of “willpower” as a weapon. The best I can describe the strength of the rings is this: the less fear you have and the stronger your convictions, the more powerful the ring becomes. Like the ugliest group of the most elite soldiers in the galaxy. Unfortunately, you see that squirrel shoot a green acorn in the above panel? Y’see, Green Lanterns’ primary objective is to keep the peace, which means the ring won’t let them use deadly force. The Sinestro Corps are allowed far more freedom.
Which as you can tell, means Green Lanterns are being slaughtered. As powerful as a willpower-filled acorn can be, it just simply can’t compare to yellow blasts that make eyeballs explode. Victory for the Sinestro Corps. But since this is a war and not a rumble, we’re going to jump ahead to battle number two.
Didn’t expect to see floating space body parts in a Green Lantern comic, did you? These two series quietly slid under all the mom groups’ violence radar, because in the pop culture society, Green Lantern is one joke above Aquaman. And both of those superheroes do crazy awesome, horribly bloody acts. Acts that would make Batman blush. Also, do you know how many times Aquaman has had his arm chopped off?
Oh, what’s that? Just a Green Lantern torn in half and being eaten. If you notice a theme, the Green Lanterns don’t stand a chance. Sinestro made a habit of picking the best (worst?) murderers, sociopaths, and criminals for his little army. And not to compare or anything, but the very first Green Lantern was a glorified librarian.
So what happens now? A hundred pages of Green Lanterns blowing up? No way, that would be an awesome awful story. How about the Guardians up the ante and make the war an even playing field?
With the tide of the battle finally changing, how can we make this war more exciting? A change of scenery? How about we make the final battlefield somewhere comforting, familiar, and with far more at stake?
Oh, remember the last time you saw a Green Lantern who wasn’t soaked in blood? Me neither. But now we get the best benefit of being on Earth. All our favorites get to punch bad dudes.
Because the majority of the Green Lantern stories take place in space, the writers get to include supervillains who may have been sealed up or shot off in a rocket somewhere. Like Superboy-Prime, an alternative dimension Superman. Not a scary name, but one of the most powerful villains in the DC universe. He’s the guy who famously punched reality so hard that he resurrected the second Robin. Yeah, I’m serious. Anyway, since he’s happily smacking around Green Lanterns as one of the Sinestro Corps’ allies, why don’t we take a break and watch him fight for a bit?
Please don’t let pre-teens read these, that’s way too much blood for someone who hasn’t hit puberty yet. Let your child ride his bike or try to get around your parental filter blocking porn.
Fortunately for us, all that destruction gives us some of the most impressive and prettiest art I’ve ever seen in a comic book. Lucky us, unlucky them. You can click the pictures for larger versions.
Now, we’ve seen a lot of fighting, but are you wondering where’s the big boss Sinestro? He’s shown up a bunch, I just didn’t show those pages. Though I did mention this is the final battle of the war, so it’s only fair to you that he makes an appearance.
And what’s the most effective way to settle philosophical and political differences? Rooftop fistfight? Absolutely.
Finally, after hundreds, possibly thousands of deaths, the Sinestro Corps and Green Lantern Corps war ends the only way it can. A giant green explosion.
Feels good, right? The good guys always win, because that’s why we read comics. With all the blood and gore out of the way, how does the intergalactic police force celebrate their victory? Patriotic symbolism, that’s how.
I love the Green Lanterns.
Daredevil vs. Punisher
Posted: 07/15/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 4 CommentsI love these two characters. The blind ninja and the gun-toting vigilante. Did you know they don’t get along? Well, I mean, the Punisher doesn’t get along with anybody. Plus, he probably smells like gunpowder and sewer mist.
In summary, the Punisher (Frank Castle) plans to kill a bunch of mobsters and Daredevil (Matt Murdock) wants to stop him. Not because Daredevil likes mobsters. Oh, he’s busted in plenty of mafioso skulls in his day. But because he’s a superhero, Murdock has to work his butt off to make sure people don’t die. That’s just part of the job description. Even criminals. So in the Daredevil vs. Punisher miniseries, written and drawn by David Lapham, the two brawl over that whole jail vs. grave debate. Also, don’t you want to see who wins?
Round 1
The Punisher has a mob boss in his sniper sights. His weeks of recon and planning are finally going to pay off. Except for a flying billy club blowing his position. Well, that and the man it belongs to.
Daredevil is a phenomenal fighter. Not only does he get all those heightened senses, but he’s mastered almost dozen martial arts. And frankly, the Punisher can’t compete with that. Sure, Castle has decades of military training and hand-to-hand combat, but a flexible ninja gymnast he’s not.
Though the Punisher does have one combat ability that may be better than any other Marvel street-level superhero. He’s crazy tough. As in his pain tolerance would make a doctor quit the profession: I’m talking a crapload of billy club whacks.
The Punisher ran, so I guess that’s a sort of win for Daredevil? I guess not really.
Round 2
Castle is just trying to go about his business and interrogate a bad guy before killing him. Nothing new. But once again, the hornhead has to interrupt the Punisher’s good time.
Who says the Punisher ain’t a sweetheart? His black and white moral code won’t let him kill people who aren’t criminals. Like Daredevil. But luckily, there’s nothing in his morality that says he can’t beat Daredevil close to that.
Since Murdock happens to be a lawyer in his secret identity (New York State Bar certified and everything), he’s a big fan of using the law to put criminals in jail. Sadly, before either of the two can use their preferred methods of justice, something interrupts their rumble.
Flamethrowers always get in the way of fistfights.
Round 3
This match goes down a little bit differently. The Punisher, instead of getting jumped by Daredevil through an open window or warehouse rafters, sets a trap for Murdock (a van outside a gas station). With the battle on Castle’s terms, will he fare better? Sorta.
Does he make the shot?
Nope, because we still have one more round after this. Politically and morally, I could go in depth to discuss the psychological decision each one makes to deter crime. I’m not. Leave that to the professors and other dudes way smarter than me. Because despite whatever reason gets the two together, they’re both highly-trained, highly-skilled fighters and it’s fun to watch them fight – like UFC with less humping. Plus, whole messageboards are devoted to what-ifs like this.
And now things go badly. I’m not really spoiling anything by telling you that Daredevil’s going to claim victory. But besides physically, can the Punisher also lose mentally? All it takes is bad aim.
Daredevil 1, Punisher 0, Draws 2.
Round 4
Here we go. The climax of the mini-series. Stay seated and buckled in.
Yup, not really a game anymore. Don’t you love moments like these? Neither are holding back and neither are going to stop until the other is, I guess, not able to walk anymore. Oh, and enjoying the light-hearted Punisher commentary? Did you know he doesn’t have any friends?
Right when you think the only winner will be the hospital bill collector, that boy you saw earlier? He’s calling a brief ceasefire. Y’see, I’ve skipped over all the stuff like plot or character development, but turns out the kid’s on the run from mobsters. Who have been scaling the building the entire time the two warriors have been breaking each other’s limbs.
How could I pick a winner when most of their fights have been interrupted? Because the battle’s not just how well one throws a punch (though that’s most of it), but also who does all the clean up. Like the cops. Who favor Daredevil.
Feel good story of the year, right? I claim victory for Daredevil, if only because at the end of the series, he doesn’t end up in jail. Yet. We’ll get to that story one day.
Robin vs. the Joker
Posted: 07/09/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights Leave a commentNo, not that Robin versus the Joker story. I’m sticking with Tim Drake. And I know we just did a Tim Drake article a few days ago, but you’ll get over it.
Y’see, Dick Grayson, the first Robin, had an athleticism and acrobatic skill that normal children don’t have. Part of the benefit of being circus folk. The second Robin, Jason Todd, did not possess the physical talents his predecessor had, and he was killed by the Joker with a crowbar back in 1989. But Tim Drake ain’t an athletic dynamo either. He was just a smart kid who forced himself into the Bat family. And that makes him the closest any child reading these comics in their damp basement has to putting themselves in the stories. Any 14 year old could be Robin if Drake can do it, right? Especially Drake, because they let him wear pants.
While I like to stick to comics from the past decade or so, we’re going back to 1991. Batman’s out of town foiling some international drug ring or magician riot or whatever. Robin has to patrol the city by himself for the first time. Unfortunately, Joker escaped Arkham and Drake needs to stop Batman’s most dangerous enemy without any backup or help. Will his training and skills be enough? It’s a cool premise for a story. In Robin II: The Joker’s Wild! miniseries, written by Chuck Dixon, we get to see Drake really come into his own as a detective. But we’re going to concentrate on the fistfights.
Round 1
See? His brainy side is kicking in. Something’s off, right? Because otherwise it’d be a terrible story.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention. This is the first time the two have met. When a new Robin with a much cooler costume breaks your window, you’re going to be a bit shocked. And probably angry, I mean, all that murder meant nothing now.
First round goes to the Joker. We’ll just consider this a warm up. You get it? Because it’s the middle of winter. I apologize.
Round 2
This fight is even shorter, but at least Drake lands a hit this time.
The Joker’s a jerk, but you can’t deny his logical conclusions. Mostly because he saw Todd explode with his own eyes after a crowbar massacre. And if the previous Robin died fighting the Joker, well, this battle gets to be Drake’s ultimate test to see if he can truly handle being successor. It’s poetic.
So he’s not doing so hot against this mighty foe. Don’t worry, because the next round he gets to use his brain, which still probably works after getting caned in the head.
Round 3
One benefit of just hitting puberty is you’re a fantastic gamer. And the Joker spends most of his time building giant typewriters or fixing abandoned amusement parks or something. Drake’s got this.
I know the game isn’t exactly Mario, but at least he’s not outside in the snow falling off trucks.
Oops.
Now his smarts are offline too. Drake’s zero for three, but all that matters is the knockout. Ideally. You know who’s not comfortable with how Joker’s capture is going? Batman’s best non-butler friend.
Round 4
The final battle! Can Robin take out all of Joker’s goons and apprehend the supervillain? Probably not, but he’s sure going to try. First, Robin sets up a trap for the Joker. The clown prince falls for it. Next stop: kick town.
While “R” batarangs aren’t terribly aerodynamic, we can’t forget that despite all his failures (see previous three rounds), he has been personally trained by Batman. Who’s very good at his job. Plus, you see that smile two panels up? Most likely not faking it.
I’m not sure how fast snowmobiles go, but they must go faster than leisurely ice skating. Though it’s hard not to admire the Joker for keeping a positive outlook despite his big exciting plan being ruined.
The Joker’s wading in sewage! Because he’s a big stinky loser. You can see why I’m an English major. And stories like this one made Drake so beloved among Batman fans. He’s skilled but not cocky. He’s intelligent but not overbearingly so. Every little Jimmy in their parents’ basement felt as if they could totally become Robin just as Drake became Robin, because Drake acted like they would. The kids get to live out their fantasies through the hours spent reading. Until they discovered girls, then comic books took a backseat for a while.
Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.
The Avengers fight Nazi mechs
Posted: 07/05/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 5 CommentsHey, did you know last year, the Avengers fought an army of Nazis mechs? I’m serious.
It’s scary stuff. And more importantly, a delightful part of the Fear Itself event, the main series written by Matt Fraction. It’s kind of a complicated mess, so let me explain briefly.
You know Red Skull? Captain America’s main baddie? Hitler’s right hand man? Well, he’s dead. His daughter, Sin (who also has a skull face), found a magical Thor-esque hammer and used it to call forth Serpent, some evil Thor legend. Sin gathers up a Nazi mech army she just had lying around and plans to conquer Washington DC and New York City. Thus starts Fear Itself.
I have two purposes here today. I want to show you cool pictures of the Avengers fighting Nazis, because what sensible person wouldn’t want to see that? And also, when fighting an evil Thor Nazi army, you’re going to need a leader for the good guys. A strong, passionate, respected leader. Patriotic wouldn’t hurt. First though, let’s see some fighting.
The fight began in the DC, as you can see from the Capitol Building exploding. I’m always surprised at how many Nazis still run around in the Marvel universe. Sin didn’t break out all the Aryan Brotherhood members from prison. Nope, these are just your normal everyday Nazi mech pilots running around. Who will save Obama?
While that’s totally a real kung fu guy, that Captain America is not the same captain who commanded the Hulk in the movies. That’s Bucky Barnes, Cap’s sidekick from WWII turned Russian super spy turned vigilante turned new Captain America. His team doesn’t do so well, since none of them have superpower to destroy giant robots. Also, Bucky gets killed. Hammer through the chest. But don’t shed any tears, because no one stays dead for long (he’s already back).
Now the fight moves to New York, where half the superhero community lives. And we get to see lots of cool dramatic pictures of superhero posing while explosions rock the background.
That’s Daredevil. He totally takes out all of those, because you don’t mess with Daredevil.
I could end the article right here and I’d be 100% satisfied. I love comics.
But as strong as the Avengers are (very), they’re lacking the coordination and leadership that will bring about their victory. If only a man would parachute into the fray to inspire hope for the weary troops. Who could stop our heroes now?
Except for the giant evil hammer-wielding supervillains, I guess. A Red Skull offspring is still a Red Skull. Don’t you get that twinge of excitement when your favorite heroes go up against their most well-known and dangerous villains? What about when their villains now have Thor powers? We love when superheroes go shopping or play cards, but nothing gets the juices flowing more than punching. And the more significant the baddie who gets punched, the faster the juices flow. In a non-dirty way.
So the fight’s not going well. He’ll persevere, even when Sin’s boss shows up. Like watch this move:
Oh, never mind. That’s bad. Someone doesn’t want to play.
But the Avengers pull off a win. Yes, the city is ruined. Yes, Avengers tower collapsed. And it’s less of a win as much as the fight shifts to Oklahoma, where Asgard resides. Y’see, the Serpent, who commands all the evil hammer monsters, is less focused on conquering the world as much as taking down Odin, Thor, and all the Nordic gods. But Odin and his army ain’t fighting. And you know who it pisses off? You’re absolutely right: Captain America. Especially when Thor got his butt kicked back in New York. He fought well, but as strong as Thor is, he has a bit of trouble taking down a possessed Hulk and Thing. At the same time. Both with Thor powers. A+ for effort though.
Odin refuses, because he’s an old-fashioned jerk. Not going to stop the captain. He doesn’t need an army or shield or hope. That man fought in every major battle in WWII and a Nazi mech army with hammers isn’t going to be enough to take him down. Maybe.
And that’s where issue six of seven ends. And this is what begins the final issue:
Many non-comic book readers don’t give Captain America enough credit. He’s not as fast or strong as the other Avengers, but none of the others would single-handed fight an entire army of gods. With just bullets. Well, Wolverine probably would, but he’s not there. And because conflicts thrive on last minute saves, the Avengers finally show up. With cool new weapons.
But what about poor Captain America? He lost his shield and in the comic book world, a hunting rifle can’t compete with a magic battleaxe. Even Thor gets an awesome suit of armor and mystical sword. It’s all good, because turns out the thunder god has an extra weapon lying around. Y’know, the one with the engraving, “Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”
Do the superheroes win? Yes, of course they do because we’re post-Heroic Age. But read Fear Itself and tie-ins. The fight scenes are wonderful, the conflicts huge, and the characters emotional. You deserve it.
Red Robin strikes again
Posted: 07/04/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 3 CommentsDo you ever wonder how Batman has lived as long as he has? The man has fought in huge battles, challenging foes far stronger and faster than he, and yet he comes out victorious every time. He has a bunch of gadgets on his belt, but realistically, how could he survive all those fights? Besides writers’ whims and incredible luck (also a fictional character), it comes down to Batman’s training. We’re going to look at an example of that through the eyes of Tim Drake, the third Robin.
Batman educated a lot of Robins. Dick Grayson grew up as an acrobat in the circus, possessing a natural athleticism and talent for combat. Jason Todd spent most his life on the streets, learning to survive in an unwelcome and hostile environment. Damian Wayne served his entire childhood training with the League of Assassins. But what about Drake? He grew up in a well-adjusted home with both parents alive, never needing any of the skills the other Robins picked up at an early age. So what made him such a great candidate for Robin? Well, he’s quite possibly the greatest detective and strategist in the entire Bat family.
Fighting skills he can pick up by working with Batman and others. But despite having no superpowers and only being 17 years old, his intelligence makes him one of the toughest opponents in the DC universe. Proof provided in Red Robin #8, written by Christopher Yost.
Drake, now known as Red Robin, has himself in a bit of a predicament. Seven highly trained, deadly assassins from the Council of Spiders have surrounded Drake. And that girl? That’s Tam Fox, a scared, normal civilian he needs to protect. How’s he going to win? Being a strategic mastermind, that’s how.
The opponents are sized up, our main characters have wet themselves, and our fight begins. Seven superpowered killers versus one teenager with a bo staff.
My opinion on the rumble odds means very little. I don’t get into a lot of fights. But you know who does? Ra’s al Ghul, the leader of the League of Assassins and rude supervillain. If you can get past his terrible facial hair, he has hundreds of years of combat experience. What do you think, Ra’s?
See? And if you’ve learned anything about supervillains, you know they usually aren’t big on compliments. Gloating, yes, but not praise. Want to see Red Robin win the fight? Want to see why Batman and his proteges take down so many baddies?
Not bad for a senior in high school, right? Not even half a minute in, he can get the girl to safety and then solely focus on incapacitating the rest of the assassins. Hey, do you remember when a superhero comic went well and the mission was completed without any problems or new situations? I don’t either. From a literary standpoint, it shows the protagonist’s ongoing struggle with forces beyond his control. From a comic book standpoint, it makes the story awesome.
Oh, forgot to mention he does have a few allies running around. Though he really could have used them 23 seconds earlier. Finally, there’s two assassins left. Yes, they’re among the toughest in the world, but I’ve played Batman: Arkham City. The Bat family’s taking on twenty henchmen at once. Certainly Red Robin can handle the two remaining supervillains.
I mean, one remaining supervillain. Though now our hero has to fight the boss lady. The one in that revealing formal tribal wear or whatever that outfit is called. She possesses a cool superpower where if she touches bare skin, that person’s dead. Honestly, that power’s way better than the six arms or giant spider body her teammates have.
Enjoy the final battle. We have Red Robin, who’s been fighting crime at Batman’s side since he was nine, versus the Wanderer, making her first comic book appearance ever in this series. And if anyone is going to kill Drake, it’s going to a major bad guy, not this woman in a WWE costume who doesn’t even wear shoes. But it’ll be close.
Feels good, right? And this is Drake after only eight years of training. Imagine how quickly and efficiently Batman, with fifteen to twenty years under his belt, could have taken down these losers? That’s why Bruce Wayne holds his own fighting alien invaders alongside Green Lanterns and Men of Steel. Though for your sake, Batman, you have exceeded all expectations in your combat training. You’re done. Take a break and let’s work on not being so grumpy.
Thor vs. Iron Man
Posted: 07/01/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 40 CommentsSince the 2006 Marvel comics event Civil War up till just a year or two ago, Tony Stark hasn’t been terribly well-liked in the Marvel universe. This isn’t some sort of Spider-Man public menace charade. No, he deserved it. Essentially, he became The Man, holding down superheroes who didn’t trust or forcibly side with the government, which is pretty much all of them. Also, his team went up against Captain America’s, and any team the captain sides with will always be the good guys.
Oh, but you know who missed the entire Civil War event? Yes, the Hulk, but that’s a different story. I’m talking about Thor. Sure, Iron Man cloned Thor using his DNA and had the clone fight Captain America’s underground Avengers, but the actual Asgardian was occupied with other matters. Like being dead.
Luckily, gods don’t stay deceased for very long and Thor, wanting to bring his homeland and all his friends killed in Ragnarok back to life (he had a busy year), warped the entire city of Asgard to rural Oklahoma. Well, if you know anything about zoning laws, the government isn’t terribly thrilled. And to be fair, Thor didn’t fill out a single piece of paperwork. So in Thor #3, written by the phenomenal J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Olivier Coipel, Stark pays his buddy a visit. It’s a bad idea.
You know who’s not big on small talk? Nordic thunder gods.
The second half of the 2000s tended to go with themes of distrust, betrayal, and ruined friendships. The Civil War split the superhero community into two, Secret Invasion followed with the premise that any superhero at any time could be an evil shapeshifting Skrull. Dark Reign after that had Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin) as the sadistic leader of national security with the American government mostly under his control. Siege and the Heroic Age debuting in 2010 finally stopped pitting superheroes against other superheroes, which was a welcome change of pace. But this story we’re reading now takes place right smack in the middle of this moral ambiguity mess. Lucky us.
Spoiler alert: he says no.
In the superhero community, words never solve problems. Solutions always come down to fists, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But despite what the movies say, in the comic books Thor severely outpowers Iron Man. The thunder god has Hulk-level strength, probably the strongest electrical superpowers in the Marvel universe, and can take blows for hours. But Stark is much smarter, far sneakier, and possesses technology that can do miracles. As long as Iron Man doesn’t get into a fistfight or charge Thor, he could possibly come out on top.
Okay, maybe I’m wrong. One could make an argument that Thor is the Superman of Marvel – not in terms of moral code or a symbolic nature, but in terms of sheer toughness. And unfortunately, Thor has no weakness to kryptonite or frost giants or whatever. So you know when I said Stark shouldn’t charge the god of thunder?
Iron Man can lift up to 100 tons, possibly more if he wanted, but Thor could push the moon. In the Iron Man comics, Stark usually wins because of a technological epiphany or careful planning ahead. Maybe a secret weapon or virus or power dampener or something. So how does one take out Stark, the man who has a doohickey for every scenario and possible attack? Easy. A combination of impossible levels of strength and a swift, precise brutality. Write that down in your notebook for the bullies at school.
Battle over. What’s my prize, you ask? Have you ever wanted to see a scary, threatening Thor?
As politically connected as Iron Man has become, he still has a buttload of politicians, generals, magicians, etc. to answer to, and if you’ve ever seen old men in positions of powers, they don’t react well to failure. And Stark failed. Badly. But he’s still one of the smartest men in the world, and that doesn’t just include engineering. Besides Nick Fury, Iron Man may know more political loopholes and maneuvering than any other superhero in the country. You don’t get to run a trillion dollar corporation without knowing how to get around laws and restrictions.
Yay, problem solved! Only loss is Stark’s billion dollar suit and a relationship that can no longer be mended over a goblet of mead.
You see? Sure, the fight has a clear winner and loser, but our hearts are torn asunder regardless. Luckily, superheroes are now back to fighting supervillains, because at least at the end of those fights, one of them smiles.
Jokin’ with Wolverine
Posted: 06/25/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentYesterday’s article had a cool fight, but you know what it was lacking? Banter.
What makes battles even better? When the heroes are cracking jokes during it. And we’re going to explore that today with Wolverine and a few of his buddies. You remember Wolverine, right?
Yeah, this Wolverine:
I like him. He’s short, hairy, grumpy, deadly, and has easily the worst haircut in the Marvel universe. His history is lengthy and complicated, but I’m sure you’ve heard of his unbreakable claws and speedy healing factor. We’ll save the back story for another day. Let’s have some fun in Wolverine #17 through #19, written by Jason Aaron.
Introducing his team up partner for this arc, Gorilla-Man:
Gorilla-Man’s an easy superhero to figure out. He’s got the body of a gorilla, but the intelligence of a human. The end. Strangely, Gorilla-Man (real name Ken Hale) has been around since 1954. Hale liked being a mercenary, but didn’t like the idea of dying. In his travels, he heard of an African legend that stated if you killed the Gorilla-Man, you get to be immortal. So he did. And unfortunately, one of the side effects turned him into the next Gorilla-Man. Though on the plus side, he is immortal. Like from old age and disease, not an adamantium claw through the chest. As you can imagine, Gorilla-Man isn’t a terribly popular superhero.
An old kung fu master and a child dressed like a Charles Dickens character follows them around. Because why not? Onward with the banter!
Regardless of their witty repartee, the fight doesn’t go well. The two non superheroes get captured. How sad.
Before we get to the second part of our story, I must point out this Wolverine story is delightfully refreshing. Y’see, he has a bunch of skeletons in his closet, so Wolverine stories tend to be dark, depressing, and violent. When you come across an arc where he travels through the center of the earth with a smart gorilla fighting dragons, that breath of fresh air cannot be sweet enough. Unfortunately, with the old man and child out of the picture for a while, who’ll take their place?
Fat Cobra, one of the Immortal Weapons! Do you know who Iron Fist is? He’s a billionaire blonde American who traveled to a mystical city in Asia and became their kung fu champion. He gets to project his chi into energy blasts or whatever someone uses chi to do. Luckily, a whole bunch of other magic Asian cities exist, each with their own kung fu champion and crazy chi powers. Together, they’re the Immortal Weapons. Iron Fist became an Avenger and for a long time fought crime in New York City as a mercenary with Luke Cage. And Iron Fist”s girlfriend looks like she stepped right out of a blaxploitation movie. But if you exclude all of that and the fact that Fat Cobra’s first appearance in the Marvel universe was only four years ago, Fat Cobra totally takes the crown as the best.
Continue the dragon fight:
Wolverine’ll be fine. But you know the best part of fighting ninjas in the earth’s core? They’ve never heard of The Illiad.
Primates wielding machine guns and obese guys punching each other rocks, right? But see how much better the fight has become with banter? It’d be hard to argue that Spider-Man wouldn’t be half as popular as he is today without the sheer amount of one-liners that man spews. Jokes during battles make them more fun, keep readers interested, and help justify convincing your wife that the boxes of comics in the basement will totally last the test of time.
So what do superheroes do after a successful mission? Drink? Yes, of course. They’re only human/gorillas after all.
Luckily there isn’t a no shirt, no service rule in the bar, right? I’m sorry, this is why I don’t write comics.
Wonder Woman vs. Superman
Posted: 06/24/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 6 CommentsOf the “big three” DC superheroes (Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman), the Amazonian princess is by far the least popular. It’s unfortunate too, because despite her silly costume, obscure rogues gallery, and creepy bondage fetish in her earliest comics, she’s one of the toughest and most interesting superheroes in the DC universe.
Her origin story is soaked in magical artifacts and Greek gods. In summary, Wonder Woman (real name Diana Prince) became the finest warrior on the Amazon island and received the honor of venturing into the real world to fight crime or strangle men or whatever. And despite her sexy Uncle Sam costume, she wears the traditional outfit of the Amazonian champion.
Most importantly, many readers underestimate just how powerful she really is. At her best, Wonder Woman’s a more visually appealing Superman. She’s just as strong and just as fast. Plus, she can also fly. Sure, Superman has heat vision and freeze breath, but Wonder Woman gets that truth lasso, bulletproof bracelets (though she’s fairly bulletproof herself) and mastery of almost the entire catalog of medieval weaponry. And one final, world-shaking difference that we’re going to read about today. Enjoy Wonder Woman #219 and #220, written by Greg Rucka.
Our fight begins mid-story.
Meet supervillain Maxwell Lord. His superpowers include influencing minds, as you’ve seen above. Also, he’s a huge perverted jerk. But to say Wonder Woman outclasses him in sheer strength and fighting ability would be like saying Batman isn’t fond of crime. In a fistfight, Lord doesn’t stand a chance. So he does what most telepaths would do: have Superman kick her butt instead.
Bad start for our protagonist. And she’s definitely not dressed for space. But we’ve all seen UFC fights: it only takes one lucky shot to take out your opponent. Wonder Woman can turn the tide.
Well, eventually. Diana has spent most of her life training and sparring with her fellow Amazons. She’s a shrewd fighter with a keen eye for combat weaknesses. So how does she take down an enemy that can’t be beaten by simply brawling? Well, let’s remember that Superman has a bunch of cool powers that Wonder Woman doesn’t. You know, to exploit.
There’s your opening, Wonder Woman! Don’t let up!
Unfortunately, for all the power that she possesses, poor Diana doesn’t have the durability of the Man of Steel. And that means Superman can cause harm to her in ways that she can’t do to him. Like, I dunno, this:
She’s not going to win. Especially with only one wrist. Instead, she can thank whichever god gave her all those smarts.
Because as you saw earlier, Superman’s delusions are being caused by Maxwell Lord. In the equation of battle, take out the puppet master and the puppet falls too. Huh? Why yes, I am flexing while I’m writing this.
I haven’t read a ton of Wonder Woman, but probably like you, I had no idea her tiara could do that. Though makes sense, considering her costume doesn’t really have space for batarangs or anything.
Can you guess the earth-shattering difference between the two superfriends? The difference that tears apart their relationship, kicks Wonder Woman off the Justice League, and cements her as a pariah in the superhero community? Yup, this:
To be fair, Wonder Woman has killed before. Lots of times. She’s technically an Amazonian soldier. But you must understand how this affects Superman, because big blue boy scout sees this matter forever and always in black and white. Because of how massively powerful he is, he absolutely must have an unwavering responsibility to the laws and morals that govern his country. Such as not killing dudes. This extends to his Justice League buddies too, because they can also fly and shoot lasers and stuff.
Nothing more painful than a sad Superman. Maybe Batman will understand, after all he and Diana have had an on-and-off again relationship for years.
Mission complete? Good idea for her to martyr her reputation and superhero standing to save Superman? Though now you know Wonder Woman packs a punch, right? Then at least it’s a happy ending for me.
Punisher (with blood!)
Posted: 06/20/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentI know why you read superhero comics. The violence, right? I don’t blame you. No one would read Spider-Man if he didn’t whack a bad guy once in a while. But the quality of the bad guy getting smacked is just as important as the hero doing the smacking. Unfortunately, that tends to be a problem with the Punisher.
Oh, his villains are horrible, terrible people who deserve everything they have coming to them. But because of the Punisher’s methods (bullets), his villains tend not to last more than an issue or two. Well, I’d like to think I have the exception. In 2004, the super genius Garth Ennis started writing Punisher Max, a comic aimed towards adults. There’s lots of violence, bad words, nudity, and not single superhero or supervillain. We see 60 year old Frank Castle gunning down the scummiest of mobsters, corrupt generals, slavers, and even white collar dudes. And it’s one of the best series I’ve ever read.
Arguably in Ennis’ Punisher Max world, only one man has been tough enough to be called the Punisher’s nemesis. Introducing Barracuda:
A giant mercenary, he fought Castle intermittently through two arcs and 300 pages. I’m going to present all their fights, almost completely without context. You want brutality in comics? Your wish is granted. Heads up, if drawings make you squeamish, you should probably go see a doctor.
Round One
So Barracuda clonks Castle on the head and stuffs him in a trunk, taking him to a rural shed to finish him off quietly. Doesn’t go as planned.
The fight strolls along for a few more pages until they crash through the shack.
Oops, maybe Barracuda should have “axed” him for a break. I’m sorry, that was disgusting. Anyway, watch for the barbed wire strangulation coming up next. Who says there’s no creativity left in comics?
The first fight goes to Barracuda. The Punisher got a few good hits in though, right? Castle escapes, but you can read that for yourself. Oh, did you see that drug dealer hostage tied up in the background during the fight in the shed? Want to know what happens to him?
That’s just the Punisher taking a “bite” out of crime. I apologize, I won’t do this anymore. With all loose ends tied up, let’s move on to the second fight.
Intermission
Did you know the Punisher has friends? Well, not really friends but people who owe him favors? Unfortunately, appearing in a Punisher Max issue cuts down life expectancy tremendously.
Could you hear that haunting prediction over how loud Barracuda’s shirt is? Remember it for twenty pictures down the road.
Round Two
They begin their fight in another abandoned building, but this one is in the city.
Yes, Barracuda kidnapped a baby. Not for some sick fetish stuff or anything, but because what better way to get under the Punisher’s skin than stealing an infant? Speaking of getting under one’s skin:
One of the best reasons to read Punisher Max, besides the characterization and guns, is how wonderfully grim and noir the Punisher’s narration remains during the whole series. I know it doesn’t make sense in my select panels, but I’m just trying for an unsubtle attempt to get you to read it.
And the second fight also goes to Barracuda. Sorry. They start anew an issue or two later.
Round Three
About time the Punisher used those guns of his. They seem to be far more effective than getting within swatting range of his humongous opponent.
We get a quick, efficient fight where Castle stomps aggressively on Barracuda. The Punisher’s not a nice guy. Also this:
Look, amid bloody limbs, shark attacks, and savage beatings, I’m attempting to make this family friendly. So I blurred out the bad word. You can figure out what it’s supposed to be, you’re a smart fellow. Also, please don’t let your family read Punisher Max.
But in good news, Castle finally gets a win! Unfortunately, Barracuda is the only one who knows where the baby’s located, so that’s why he’s in an uncomfortable position. Don’t worry, because the Punisher’s going to make the guy talk. Except for one little problem.
Round Four
Dude’s a beast, you can’t argue with that. We’ve experienced a bunch of hand-to-hand in the past few rounds, but now we totally get to watch a full-on firefight. Not a bad way to change things up a bit.
Action movies always end with the hero walking away from the explosion while holding a young child. Game over.
Round Five
Guess not.
I’m not saying that the previous pictures have been G Rated, but for the next few, please cover up the eyes of all small children or pets currently sitting on your lap
Barracuda’s lucky that mercenary work pays well, because it’s going to take a small fortune in plastic surgery. The Punisher bolts as Barracuda limps towards him. We’re inching towards our finale.
Can you feel the tension? This is it, my friends! Every single word bubble and nose crunching has led to this exact moment. Who will prevail? Will it spoil it for you that this is only the ninth of ten Punisher Max arcs written by Ennis?
A poor immigrant struggles for years to earn enough money for a rickety boat ride to America. He has only a limited grasp of English and minimal skills, but he’s a hard worker who just wants to support his family. Finally, after months of rejection and poverty, an administrator takes pity on him and hires him to be a janitor at the local elementary school. The job can barely pay the bills. Many nights his children don’t get enough to eat, but he’s just happy he can earn a living and his wife is proud of him. His Sunday comes to a close, and the janitor arrives at the school the next morning just as the sun rises to prepare for the upcoming week. It won’t be hard, after all, how messy can a school possibly get over the weekend?
Time for a snow day.
But yay for the Punisher! One more bad guy off the street and not a scratch on the infant. If Castle had the ability to smile anymore, he’d be at least half scowl right now. Have a good day. Don’t commit felonies.
Arousing Grammar 