Magneto: hero/villain

I don’t think any comic book character has crossed the good guy/bad guy line more often than Magneto.  Every decade he decides to once again terrorize humankind or once again aid the human-protecting X-Men.  Though despite his alliances, his motive never changes: mutants rock, non-mutants suck.  More of the former, less of the latter.  What’s Magneto’s opinon on his constant team switching?  I don’t know if anything concrete has come out, but you do get a glimpse in AvX: Consequences #4, written by Kieron Gillen and Mark Brooks.

To get you caught up, in the aftermath of the Marvel event Avengers vs. X-Men, Colossus is on the run for his crimes he committed as part of the Phoenix Five.  Storm can’t convince him to return to his buddies.  Colossus’ arch-nemesis will always be Colossus.

Much like how history is written by the victors, Magneto adheres to a similar philosophy.  So, when the textbooks get written centuries in the future, what title will Magneto receive?  Honestly, I have no idea.  But I did collect a few ambiguous examples of both.  First up: Captain America #367, written by Mark Gruenwald and drawn by Kieron Dwyer.

Quickly name some of the biggest Marvel supervillains — Magneto, Doctor Doom, Loki, Green Goblin, Mandarin, Kingpin, etc.  And Red Skull, who as you can imagine might not get along with one of the members of this list.  Y’know, because Red Skull’s a Nazi and Magneto’s a Holocaust survivor.

No telepaths needed to read their minds.  Red Skull hates mutants.  Magneto really hates Red Skull. But as the two argue, Red Skull does defend his ideals with an unfailing confidence that most delusional psychopaths possess.  It’d be admirable if it wasn’t for the whole Nazi thing.

Look, it can be difficult to argue that Magneto hasn’t turned into a smaller scale Hitler himself, at least with the goal of exterminating/ruling over mankind with his fellow superior mutants.  But despite all the political and moral arguments one could make demeaning Magneto’s speech, allow me to present my own ironclad argument: screw Nazis.  As you expect, Magneto totally wins their little chase.

Red Skull’s hallucinations and almost-repentance begin two issues later, which we’ll cover later. But I do want to make sure we cover one of Magneto’s more evil moments, like that famous one from the early ’90s when he went full on bad guy.  Wild carnage abounds in X-Men #25, volume 2, written by Fabian Nicieza and drawn by Andy Kubert.  Heads up, it’s going to get wordy.

Y’know, the moment where Magneto figures, well, time to be a Hitler.  Ends justify the means and blah blah blah.  Then he fights the X-Men for forty pages:

Do you know the horrifying pain Wolverine experienced when he got pumped full of adamantium? Turns out it hurts way more coming out.

Despite Magneto’s power, he really doesn’t stand a chance against his old friend Professor X.  It’s only because dear Xavier holds back and instead sends in squads of teenagers that Magneto can even secure victories.  Because if the professor were to ever snap, like say when adamantium rips out of his teammate’s body, poor Magneto can’t possibly defend against that level of psychic attack.  Y’see, when the Hulk gets angry, he can punch dudes into space, but mind powers work differently and the results tend to be far more cruel.

As many subtly awful things Professor X did during his time running the X-Men, we should applaud him just for the fact that he could have done so much worse.  Like erasing the entire brain of anyone he chooses ever.

As much as I’d like to take sides between Professor X and Magneto, my own identity as a bald Jew puts me in a tricky spot.  On Monday, I’d like to continue exploring some powerful Magneto moments. Hopefully.

The updated origins of Bucky

Captain America’s teenage sidekick, almost a necessity during the 1940s, became a superhero the same way most sidekicks did: through sheer luck.  Batman just happened to be watching Dick Grayson’s circus act as tragedy struck.  Jimmy Olsen just so happens to be working at the same newspaper as Superman’s alter ego.  Toro’s parents coincidentally worked for the creator of the android Human Torch.  And Bucky’s origin, as seen in Captain America Annual #1, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Jack Kirby, begins the same way:

I love two things about this: Captain America off-handedly mentions Nazis would have killed Bucky, and Captain America immediately buckles to Bucky’s blackmail.  But that story doesn’t hold up anymore — origins constantly get modernized, and Bucky remains no different.

First, for those who don’t know, let me briefly explain Bucky (real name James Buchanan).  At sixteen years old, he ran around the army base as a sort of mascot.  Then he fights the entirety of World War II on the front lines next to Captain America (bright blue costume), Namor (wore only a speedo), the Human Torch (fiery android), and Toro (fiery human) as part of the superhero team the Invaders.  As the war ended, Captain America and Bucky get famously blown up attempting to stop an enemy airplane.  Bucky dies and Captain America joins the Avengers after a few decades encased in ice. We can talk about the revolving death door for superheroes, but it took Bucky over forty years to return to the land of the living.  And in Captain America & Bucky #620, written by Ed Brubaker & Marc Andreyko and drawn by Chris Samnee & Bettie Breitweiser, we get his updated beginnings:

Can you see the difference yet?  This Bucky happened to be a combat prodigy right from the beginning, not some bumbling kid who stumbled into Captain America’s changing room.  And trust me, he gets the training we expect from superheroes who fought tanks and Nazi supervillains on a daily basis.

Of course Bucky has crazy military skills.  He spends four years of WWII in daily combat in next to the shiniest beacon of American pride the Germans could shoot at.  If you take a look at the superheroes with no powers, their resumes all look relatively the same: an unbeatable foundation of combat training.  Batman used his teenage years to study ninja martial arts.  The Punisher rocked the Vietnam War.  Hawkeye spent his entire adolescence as a circus archer.  Black Widow has had Soviet espionage training since practically her birth.  Hard work can usually make up for an inability to shoot eye lasers or bench-press trucks.

If you’d like to feel old, that would make Captain America roughly 24 when he joined the Avengers. Still, a little modernization of our favorite superheroes is appreciated — especially as writing and storytelling in comics has shifted over the past fifty years.  But the names and costumes?  Those are forever.

Speedball’s cat Niels/Hairball

And Aunt May’s dog Ms. Lion.  The two act as a furry buddy cop dynamic, but I’m focusing on the more popular one to shamelessly increase hits.  Though, I use the word popular lightly, as Niels doesn’t even get a full page in the Marvel Pet Handbook (written and drawn by everybody):

The above picture provides the finest example of comics as a glorious literary art form.  A cat wanders into an ongoing experiment, gains superpowers, and fights crime.  And we don’t question a single freaking thing.  Here’s some proof from Speedball #2, written by Stan Ditko & Roger Stern and drawn by Ditko:

Speedball spends his series searching for the cat in between smacking criminals with energy bubbles.

Yes, comics were weird in the ’80s.  And the decades before that.  The ones after that too, to be fair. But now Niels treks out on his own, taking the superhero name Hairball to correct injustice perpetrating throughout the Marvel universe.  Today, we’ll be using scenes from Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers #1-4 and Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers Unleashed #1, all written by Chris Eliopoulos and drawn by Ig Guara.

Oh, and now Niels can talk.

The rest of the Pet Avengers roster consist of Lockjaw, Redwing, Lockheed, and Zabu (all given a full page in the Marvel Pets Handbook) along with new character Frog Thor — who while a frog, is not Thor.  I’m ignoring the other characters today, but they deserve an introduction.  The giant teleporting dog Lockjaw lives with Black Bolt and the Inhumans on the moon.  The superhero Falcon’s pet Redwing has a telepathic link that allows his master to see out the bird’s eyes and vice versa.  The alien dragon that befriended Kitty Pryde Lockheed can do all the normal tiny dragon things.  And Zabu’s a sabretooth tiger living in the Savage Land with Tarzan-esque humans Ka-Zar and Shanna the She-Devil.  He doesn’t join until next issue.

If you don’t know who Ms. Lion is, you’re not alone.  The dog showed up in the Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends cartoon from the early ’80s.  You’re completely caught up.

So now they go on adventures.  Surprisingly suspenseful and action-packed adventures.

The pets decide to gather the Infinity Gems, the jewelry with the power to remake the universe into whatever its owner desires.  Turn people into tuna.  Water becomes chicken broth.  Dogs now speak Mandarin.  Anything the heart wants, except for one small problem — a certain supervillain won’t let go of the notion that the Infinity Gems belong to him.

Like all good superhero team origin stories, they must work together to defeat a foe tougher than any one of them alone.  Only it turns out to be Thanos, an invulnerable superbeing that the entire galaxy fears.  Also, he’s holding Bo, President Obama’s dog.  Social commentary or celebrity guest star or whatever you want to believe.

Witness our feline pal heroically become the superhero we all wish him to be, instead of a whiny cat with an orbit of glowing rainbow balls.  You can click the image for a larger version if needed.

Thanos versus the unified animal super team begins now.  For the future and whatnot.

I’m not going to show you the fight, I’m sorry.  But you can probably guess the outcome.  While Hairball, Ms. Lion, and the others show up in series like Avengers vs. Pet Avengers, one-shots like Tails of the Pet Avengers, and a few other publications, I want to highlight one more moment with the world’s angriest cat and happiest dog.

Let’s not take this problem lightly (see what I did there?).  Hippos weigh over a ton and even real Avengers like Captain America can’t just toss an animal that size back in its pen.  This dilemma involves a carefully crafted solution.  Or zero impulse control.  Either works.

And the second adventure begins the next page.  I’m not one to bash pet owners, but Aunt May should probably keep better track of her dog or at least splash herself with radioactive goo — she’s practically the only member of the Spider-Man family not to be an Avenger nowadays.

Ms. Marvel’s cat Chewie

Here’s a superhero topic no one has ever asked for nor desired to see.  I have chronicled every appearance the cat of Ms. Marvel has made (real name Carol Danvers, now goes by superhero name Captain Marvel), including those that only include the animal as apartment decoration (most of them). In order of chronological appearance, our dear kitty shows up in:

Giant-Size Ms. Marvel one-shot, written by Brian Reed and drawn by Roberto de la Torre
Ms. Marvel #4, written by Reed and drawn by de la Torre
Ms. Marvel #5, written by Reed and drawn by de la Torre
Ms. Marvel #13, written by Reed and drawn by Aaron Lopresti
Ms. Marvel #15, written by Reed and drawn by Lopresti
Ms. Marvel #17, written by Reed and drawn by Lopresti
Ms. Marvel #25, written by Reed and drawn by Adriana Melo
Marvel Pets Handbook one-shot, written by everybody and drawn by everybody else
Captain Marvel #9, written by Kelly Sue DeConnick and drawn by Filipe Andrade
Captain Marvel #10, written by DeConnick & Christopher Sebela and drawn by Andrade
Captain Marvel #11, written by DeConnick & Christopher Sebela and drawn by Andrade
Avengers: Enemy Within #1, written by DeConnick and drawn by Scott Hepburn
Captain Marvel #17, written by Connick and drawn by Andrade

You’re welcome, world.

Chewie first appears in an alternative dimension.  You can read an older article I wrote for that whole story, but here’s the cat parts:

After mystical mayhem across worlds, energy fields, and assistance from Doctor Strange, Danvers defeats the evil bearded wizard — her only prize the satisfaction of a job well-done.  And a cat.

For the next few years, the cat serves as background, like an adorable lamp or something (plus one appearance in one of those Marvel encyclopedia issues).  Oh, and if you prefer drama with zero context, please enjoy.

At long last, our cat gets used as more than just a reminder of Captain/Ms. Marvel’s home life. Chewie gets upgraded to the next level: prop.

Isn’t Captain Marvel wonderful?  And the first issue of the new Ms. Marvel came out today as well. Inhuman DNA mixed with a quick-witted teenager dumped in a bowl of social commentary and eventual fistfights if you’re into that kind of thing.

Spoiler alert: she does it anyway.  Captain Marvel has never been the paradigm of healthy living. Further appearances revert the kitty back to piece of background, but Chewie’ll always be in the foreground of my heart.

We’re done.  It’s anti-climactic, isn’t it?  Tomorrow, we’ll delve into another superhero’s cat, but this one can shoot energy balls and talk.  Comics are weird.

Hellcat’s return, Pt. 1

Hey, remember this super depressing scene from the ’90s when Patsy Walker killed herself?

That’s from Hellstorm: Prince of Lies #14, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Peter Gross.  Turns out Walker shouldn’t have married a demon, because y’know, they tend to do a bunch of evil stuff. Not a trustworthy group, the hell-dwellers.  Except besides those few sad years in the early ’90s, Walker, a former soap opera comic star turned superhero Hellcat, has pretty much been a positive, fierce, and wonderful role model for female comic book readers.  Or if not in the past, at least since Thunderbolts Annual 2000, written by Fabian Nicieza & Norm Breyfogle and drawn by Kurt Busiek, when Hawkeye (tricked by Hellcat’s ex-husband Daimon Hellstrom — not Hellstorm) rescues her from her eternal damnation.

Bobbi Morse, the superhero Mockingbird who also died in the early ’90s, happens to be battling demons down in Hell alongside Hellcat.  Though poor Mockingbird has to wait nine more years before she returns to the land of the living.  While Avengers Annual 2000, written by Busiek and drawn by Breyfogle, contains a good forty pages of Hellcat adventures, it’s the beginning I really want to show you.  To get you caught up, they included the complete history of our heroine complete with annotations:

If you want to talk about character progression and growth, you can’t find anyone better qualified than dear Patsy Walker.  Starring originally in teenage drama comics, she became a superhero, then the fearless wanderer of the demonic afterworld.  And thank goodness for that last part especially, because in the miniseries Hellcat #1-3, written by Steve Englehart and drawn by Breyfogle, she gets warped right back to her home she spent as punishment for her suicide.  Sin’s still sin in the Marvel world, even under the influence of a horrifically bad marriage and uncontrollable insanity.  She really shouldn’t have married a man who’s affectionately known as the Son of Satan.

For scale of just how bad her situation is, she’s under attack by Dormammu, a demon so powerful that Doctor Strange wets himself every time he makes an appearance.  Dormammu, the monster that the other demon lords shudder at the thought of.  So what superpowers does Hellcat have to defend herself with?  Oh, you mean she’s a normal human wearing a cat suit?

And I’m sorry for being mean to Doctor Strange, I just wanted to add some suspense.

Essentially, Hellcat finds herself in the middle of a demon war.  Dormammu plans to take over the dimensions claimed by Mephisto, Pluto, Hela, and Hellcat’s ex-husband Daimon Hellstrom.  Because demons tend to be lying, manipulative, selfish creatures, Hellcat pretty much has to end this war herself.  Superheroes always get the short end of the problem solving stick.

And the plan?  Good ol’ fashioned teamwork.  Well, that and the combined powers of the most powerful sorcerers that Hell has ever produced.

To reward her bravery and intelligence, Mephisto and the others grant her safe passage home.  I’m kidding — she has to truthbomb her way out of Hell before Mephisto chains her up like slave Leia in Jabba’s Palace.  Demons don’t understand gratitude.

We’ll stop here today.  I have a good fifteen pages and four hundred-ish more words left to show you, but by asking around, I’ve learned over the past 300 articles that people usually don’t have the time to read articles that require scrolling the length of Wolverine’s back hair (long).  Those spreadsheets won’t fill themselves out, or whatever people do in offices.  Next time, more Hellcat and Daimon Hellstrom!

Daken’s Heat Vision

I’m tend to giving more creative credit to the writer than the artist, mainly due to my optimistic writing aspirations and wild jealousy that I can’t draw.  And we both know I’m wrong.  Superhero art is just as vital to comic book as the writing — just ask every single comic reader that has ever existed. Today I want to celebrate the gorgeous work of Riley Rossmo.  I promise not to clutter his beauty with my mangled words — just uninterrupted art and your standing ovation.  I’ve collected all thirty pages from Daken: Dark Wolverine #10-15, 21-23, written by Rob Williams and drawn/colored by Rossmo, that depict Daken bonked out of his mind on the drug Heat.  Y’know, Daken’s Heat Vision.

Wasn’t that awesome?  My god, I love comic books.

Vin Gonzales and the Goblin Cult

I bring this story to your attention mainly because the next big Superior Spider-Man arc’ll deal with his war against Green Goblin which has been building up since the series began.  Our dear cop and former Spider-Man roommate Vin Gonzales counts among Green Goblin’s ranks and I figure if he’s going to show up again (no guarantee, but good chance), we should all take a look at why.

In Amazing Spider-Man #587, written by Marc Guggenheim and drawn by John Romita Jr., our hero policeman gets arrested.  For a crime he actually committed.

Notice all that shenanigans involving the “tracer killings” and conspiracy and other complicated words? Y’see, when the police would investigate murder scenes in their fair city, the bodies would consistently contain a spider-tracer (the GPS device Spider-Man uses to track bad guys) on them. Well, turns out some of the officers who had a bit of loathing in their heart for the dear web-slinger planted them on the dead dudes they came across.  Some officers like Vin Gonzales.  He explains himself in Amazing Spider-Man Extra #3, written by Guggenheim and drawn by Fabrizio Fiorentino & Patrick Olliffe.

Remember yesterday’s article?  To throw suspicion off, Spider-Man lies that he uses Gonzales as a decoy secret identity.  Because of that, Gonzales gets kidnapped and beaten by Ana Kravinoff.  Well, not because of that, but that’s what Gonzales believes and Spider-Man let him believe.

Gonzales goes to jail for six months.  You know how some inmates find religion in prison? In Amazing Spider-Man #647, written by Fred Van Lente & Zeb Wells and drawn by Max Fiumara & Michael Del Mundo, our supporting character returns to the pages of the comic he premiered in.  If you remember my previous article, that’s also the same issue Parker and Carlie Cooper become an official couple. The same Carlie Cooper that Gonzales used to totally crush on.

Unfortunately, he can only make apologies and not confessions of love.  Cooper’s into Parker now. And by the way, Parker also slept with Gonzales’ sister Michelle a few dozen issues back.  No wonder Gonzales hates Spider-Man.  During Harry Osborn’s farewell/Halloween party — he’s taking his newborn son and going underground to escape his father — Gonzales has a goodbye as well.

Look, the Green Goblin name still carries with it a certain amount of dread and fear.  But to Harry Osborn?  That man has been through way too much crap with his father to be scared anymore.  We’re talking drug addictions, revenge plots, supervillainy, chemical overdoses, faking death, kidnappings, etc.  His father even steals Osborn’s girlfriend Lily Hollister (the mother of that baby attached to his chest).  So while his father can parade around in his wild schizophrenia to accomplish whatever delusional goal he’ll eventually bungle, Osborn will not let Norman dictate anymore aspect of his life. Time to send a message, and Harry knows the only way supervillains listen.

Vin hasn’t shown up in comics since.  But at least now if his face pops up in the next few months, you’ll know why.  And my goodness, can Harry Osborn be horrifically terrifying.

The bloody, mistaken identity of Spider-Man

To make up for the delay of today’s article, I promise it’ll be super long.  I’ll combine two articles into one and resume normal schedule on Wednesday.  Thanks!  I love you guys and girls.

Instead a lengthy introduction (which I’ll still do), let’s pick up as the two best friends Spider-Man and Daredevil hang out/club criminals:

Today, I hope you enjoy Amazing Spider-Man #565-567, written by Marc Guggenheim and drawn by Phil Jimenez.  We’re sitting in the perfect late-2000s Spider-Man.  His marriage has been freshly dissolved by devil fistbumps, and he still struggles to maintain a successful (and financially stable) personal life now without a supermodel waiting at home to ease his major emotional baggage.  I know dear Peter Parker makes jokes in costume, but y’know — tears of a clown and whatnot.  Though a little less than a hundred issues after this (and they pump out a new issue every other hour, so it’s like two years of real time), he finally gets that fancy job and beautiful girlfriend he so badly deserves.  I mean, until he dies a few dozen issues later.

Anyway, Spider-Man currently faces another problem all too familiar and wildly annoying: a Kravinoff.

Comic book rule: if a supervillain’s offspring shows his or her face in comics, there’s a 100% chance he or she is either horrifically emotionally or mentally damaged.  Most likely both.  Seriously, think of supervillain children: Harry Osborn, Scarlet Witch/Quicksilver, Sin, Cassandra Cain, Jericho/Ravager, Talia al Ghul, etc.  And now meet Ana Kravinoff, the lovely daughter of Kraven the Hunter.  And like hunting lions in the African savannahs, first you have to weaken it by forcing the lion into unemployment.  Then ruining its lion roommate’s life.  Finally drag the lion deep into those African sewers for a fun game of run-or-be-speared.  Probably.  I’m not really much of a hunter.

Speaking of Spider-Man’s roommate, you should learn about Vin Gonzales — a NYPD cop, all around good dude, and with a horrible hand dealt by the oozing aura of Parker’s awful luck.

I think you may have a vague idea of where this is going.  The dark lighting and article title pretty much give away Kraven Jr.’s mistake.

Cool eye makeup, right?  It doesn’t do much for camouflage, but I figure that matters little when she can just cut out the heart of anyone who gets too close.  For reference, Vin has no idea Parker’s Spider-Man.  And he’s also wearing Parker’s only outfit.  Our hero can’t fight crime in street clothes — Luke Cage already claimed that costume.  Though remember in Ultimate Spider-Man when Venom battled Parker in a hoodie in the rain on his school’s football field?  That was a great arc.

I know there’s a grammatical error in that last panel.  It bothers me too.  More importantly, the Daredevil costume looks strange with eyes — and it took me years of reading comics before I even realized Daredevil’s outfit doesn’t include eyeholes.  But even as Spider-Daredevil rushes to save his roommate, poor baby Kraven keeps making mistakes.  Y’see, New York City includes hundreds of superheroes and supervillains who scurry over every block of the city.  Including underground.  Like this nasty fellow:

I agree that “interloper” and “defiler” are big words for a giant rat man.  Vermin shows up every once in a while when superheroes traverse sewers.  Mole people too.  Occasionally the Lizard.  Luckily, he also provides enough time for Spider-Daredevil to receive information necessary to save poor Vin’s life. And unlike Batman, Spider-Daredevil uses kindness — a far more effective weapon than concussing thugs on rooftop ledges.

MGH gives its user superpowers for a brief amount of time.  The same stuff that lil’ Kraven injected Vin with and the same stuff that definitely flows in Ana Kravinoff’s evil veins.  Also, with Vermin an established part of Spider-Man’s rogue gallery, we shouldn’t allow our antagonist as the only one who gets to rumble with the huge talking rat.

To up the embarrassment for Vermin, did you know Ana Kravinoff’s only about twelve years old?  I’m serious.  The very last page of this arc (which I skip) lists her birth date as 1996, making her twelve when this story came out.  I know she looks like an adult, but kids hit puberty more quickly when they spend their childhoods killing elephants with their bare hands.  We shouldn’t sweat the details — Parker has been in his late twenties for like four decades by now.

Baby Kraven’s game has simple rules.  Spider-Man runs around the sewers until she impales him.  It’s a hunt!  Though despite Vin being just a normal cop (usually cannon fodder to showcase supervillains), he still gets his moment.  His very brief moment.

Remember, Spider-Daredevil just kicked a preteen in the face.  While Parker’s a fantastic fighter, he relies mostly on his speed and spider sense and not really any formal training, which is all Kraven Jr. has.  That and a full dose of MGH, I guess.

The full extent of Ana Kravinoff’s superpowers sort of rely on the writer’s wishes. Essentially, MGH serves as comic book technology, which like comic book magic, has potentially no limits to what it can do.  Honestly, I’m making the assumption she shot herself up based solely on her matching Spider-Man’s superhuman agility.  She could just be simply the world’s most sober and impressive seventh grader.  Either way, the fight rages on.  Our dynamic duo’ll need some assistance from man’s best sewer friend.

Happy ending for all!  Except lil’ Kraven mauled by a human rat, but she totally survives to stalk another day.  Still, the next scene (and one necessary to prevent a cop’s natural inclination to question oddities), sets up Vin’s destiny and his eventual fall from grace.  But more on that Wednesday.

To be fair, that was a pretty terrible explanation by Spider-Man, but at least the curious stench has faded from Vin Gonzales’ mind.  The anger and frustration, though?  Oh, that never goes away.