The art of seduction with Hercules
Posted: 06/22/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 2 CommentsThor’s a cool idea for a superhero, right? The viking god of thunder from a relatively unknown religion who wields a magical hammer. I totally approve. But with the success of Nordic culture, why not implement other gods? Well, by far the best of them is the mighty, majestic Hercules:
Yeah, not your English teacher’s Hercules.
Enjoy a womanizing, arrogant, hedonistic Hercules ripped straight from the peaks of Mt. Olympus. He’s been around for three thousand years, has durability and strength that rivals Thor, and despite being the definition of an oaf, has amassed one of the most impressive collection of superhero lovers in the Marvel universe. So let’s take a look at his conquests from one of my favorite series, The Incredible Hercules written by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente.
Namora, the Sub-Mariner’s Cousin
Oh, that’s Hercules’ teenage sidekick, Amadeus Cho. He’s also the 7th smartest person in the world. But Cho’s not really the focus of this article. Let’s jump ahead to the sexy god stuff.
Because we’re not reading Catwoman, you’re not going to see any sexual proof and you’re just going to have to use context clues to figure it out. Cover your kids’ ears. Spoiler alert: They did it. Here’s the post-coital hot tub cuddling:
But comics are comics and that means that if there isn’t an explosion or alien attack every few pages, the comic’s never going to sell. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. So Hercules and Namora get attacked with a missile.
Unfortunately, there love can never be. You see, Namora loves another man. He also smells like salt water and fish. Yes, it’s incestuous. During the battle with the Amazons, Hercules and Namora scramble to grab an urn that reveals their deepest wishes. Yeah, it happens.
Do you know who that handsome pointy-eared man is? It’s Namor, the king of Atlantis, Namora’s cousin, and one time lover of a giant sea worm. What sound does the heart of a god make when it breaks? Though to be fair, it’s mostly Hercules’ fault.
By the way, have you ever heard of the Canadian superhero team?
Snowbird, Member of Alpha Flight
Turns out Canada has their own group of Avengers, called Alpha Flight. They fight snowstorms and irradiated caribou or whatever. I don’t really follow them. But one of their members, Snowbird, once hooked up with our hero.
She’s not drunk or anything, that’s just how people in comic books cry. This is halfway through this particular arc and things haven’t gone well. The poor girl needs a broad, hairy shoulder to cry on.
See? Hercules’ may consist entirely of a sash, but he’s not so stupid not to consider the feelings of his suitor. Also, the dog in a wheelchair watching is a secret alien hiding in the body of Cho’s beloved pet. But you probably guessed that.
Mission complete. Snowbird feels better, Hercules gets another notch on his bedpost, and the pervert dog alien rolls away unseen. Let’s move on. Or back a few thousand years.
Hippolyta, Amazonian Royalty
Hercules tends to be immortal, being a god and all. Want to hear a story from the good ol’ days?
If this seems like a sad ending, wipe away your tears. Sure, Hera isn’t remotely kind to Zeus’ bastard child, but Hippolyta reveals herself as super evil and almost destroys the world. And Hercules can do better than crazy supervillains. Though, it doesn’t stop him from trying.
Alflyse, Queen of the Dark Elves
Hercules and his father Zeus (resurrected as a child), travel to Asgard for their next mission. To defeat and conquer the evil queen, Hercules has to exploit his least refined skill: espionage. Y’know, by dressing up as Thor and laying the smackdown. Except for one small problem:
He may have the strength of a hundred men, but he has the willpower of none.
Thor and Hercules have quite a bit in common, even excluding the whole immortal powerful god thing. No one enjoys brawling more than those two. Maybe Wolverine. Both of their fathers have created trouble in their lives. Hercules and Thor both have a reputation of bedroom prowess. Though, the god of thunder wouldn’t make this mistake:
Oops. How do you solve a problem like this? Did you guess the real Thor dressed as Hercules battles the real Hercules dressed as Thor? I hope so. No bad blood spilled between drinking buddies. Also you know how when you’re really good at something, you can use that skill to get out of unfavorable resolutions?
Let that be a lesson. Write that down in your notebook.
Hebe, the Goddess of Youth
Since it’s the 21st century, very few gods are running around in spandex slaying dragons. Most own corporations and control their own businesses. Olympians are nothing if not entrepreneurs. Hebe runs the receptionist desk at the Olympus Group. Oh, and she’s Hercules’ wife from three thousand years ago.
Hercules has many heroic traits, but monogamy isn’t one of them. That and Hercules and Hebe never got divorced. Still, he’s a man with emotions. Like jealousy.
I don’t deny that many times Spider-Man deserves to be punched across a restaurant. That guy has a mouth on him. Though he probably didn’t deserve that one. And the resulting Hercules/Spider-Man fight goes about as well as the above panels.
Regardless, the hairy, angry god may be an oaf, but he’s a super lovable oaf. Despite Hercules’ numerous infidelities, thousands of years of no contact, and smashing the nice boy Hebe was just talking to, can he talk his way back into her heart?
Sparks reignited! Lovers reunited! Their romance reigns eternal! Though they break up a few issues later. And Hercules is killed. But other than that, all the previous sentences apply.
At his funeral, the proper respects are paid. The man’s legend will live on.
Luckily the mourning period is short. Hercules had a brief series called Herc last year where fought the Hobgoblin and other cool supervillains. I know he’s not as popular as some of the others, but everything he’s in is totally worth a read. You need more proof? You’re very hard to please.
You’re welcome.
The delightful Fantastic Four
Posted: 06/21/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been significantly violent. Let’s do something lighter.
You must know of the superhero family the Fantastic Four. Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic), the smartest person in the Marvel universe with a body made of rubber. Sue Richards (Invisible Woman), Reed’s wife who turns invisible and manipulates force fields. Johnny Storm (Human Torch), Sue’s brother and living fire/playboy. Ben Grimm (Thing), the lovable rock monster with a thick New York accent. They outted themselves to the public long ago, happily living in the super lab/skyscraper Baxter Building. Also, Reed and Sue’s kids aren’t slouches either. Valeria has the same brain smarts as her father and Franklin can alter reality. Fancy stuff. Now you’re caught up.
Shall we check in on the Fantastic Four?
Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman
Being the smartest person in the world gives you far less free time than you think. He has to juggle all the responsibilities of creating new technology and saving the world alongside spending quality time with his wife and children. Reed’s not terribly good at balancing that. So despite Sue not being the smartest person in the world, she has a genius idea of her own:
Who’s Namor you ask? He’s the shirtless king of Atlantis and member of the X-Men. Also, this royal has had a major crush on the Inivsible Woman for decades and doesn’t really worry about stuff like husbands or boyfriends. Fortunately, Reed’s not above jealousy.
Don’t think Sue’s being unfair. Entire Fantastic Four stories have been devoted to how badly Reed ignores his responsibilities as a family man. But let’s be realistic here. You don’t get to be a super genius by being dumb. And Mr. Fantastic has a super genius solution.
See? Marital bliss!
Despite Reed’s hair, his youthful flirting and adventurous spirit never went prematurely gray. Now back to business, the microuniverse isn’t going to save itself.
The Thing
Can’t argue that’s an awful superhero name. But he’s one of the most complex and well-liked characters in the Marvel universe. Stuck as an orange rock creature, he struggles constantly between his desire for a normal life and having the power to protect his friends and family. Plus, his “It’s clobberin’ time!” catch phrase has warmed the hearts of preteens everywhere for over forty years. Oh, and did you know he’s Jewish?
Jewish superheroes certainly exist, but you don’t see a lot of faith in the comic world. The X-Man Kitty Pryde has worn a Star of David around her neck on several occasions. Magneto may not be religious, but his Judaism got him sent to a concentration camp during World War II. The X-Man Iceman is half Jewish, and no, I’m not sure which parent. But to see half an issue devoted to a religious ceremony that doesn’t end with ninjas jumping through the roof or a crazy guy in robes performing a Satanic blood ritual, that’s almost unheard of.
Though Judaism is nothing without rules, so what qualifies the Thing to have a bar mitzvah?
My favorite part of the above picture is the tiny reading glasses. Getting soaked in cosmic rays probably fixes any cataract problems. Yet bar mitzvahs take months and months of memorization, practicing, and not spending every other afternoon brawling with Galactus. Luckily, I guess it was a light half a year of invading world devourers, because all his family and buddies arrived for the big day.
Do superheroes have formal costumes? I’m glad Wolverine showed up for the Thing’s ceremony, nevertheless, I don’t think bare arms are appropriate for synagogue.
Still, you know the best part of becoming a man? Doing man things:
Sure he’s fictional, but let it be known that even street-talking rock creatures can get attractive non-rock girlfriends. All it takes is a sweet personality and the ability to lift small buildings.
However, we can’t forget the final member of the team. Let’s check in with Johnny Storm.
The Human Torch
Never mind.
Punisher (with blood!)
Posted: 06/20/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentI know why you read superhero comics. The violence, right? I don’t blame you. No one would read Spider-Man if he didn’t whack a bad guy once in a while. But the quality of the bad guy getting smacked is just as important as the hero doing the smacking. Unfortunately, that tends to be a problem with the Punisher.
Oh, his villains are horrible, terrible people who deserve everything they have coming to them. But because of the Punisher’s methods (bullets), his villains tend not to last more than an issue or two. Well, I’d like to think I have the exception. In 2004, the super genius Garth Ennis started writing Punisher Max, a comic aimed towards adults. There’s lots of violence, bad words, nudity, and not single superhero or supervillain. We see 60 year old Frank Castle gunning down the scummiest of mobsters, corrupt generals, slavers, and even white collar dudes. And it’s one of the best series I’ve ever read.
Arguably in Ennis’ Punisher Max world, only one man has been tough enough to be called the Punisher’s nemesis. Introducing Barracuda:
A giant mercenary, he fought Castle intermittently through two arcs and 300 pages. I’m going to present all their fights, almost completely without context. You want brutality in comics? Your wish is granted. Heads up, if drawings make you squeamish, you should probably go see a doctor.
Round One
So Barracuda clonks Castle on the head and stuffs him in a trunk, taking him to a rural shed to finish him off quietly. Doesn’t go as planned.
The fight strolls along for a few more pages until they crash through the shack.
Oops, maybe Barracuda should have “axed” him for a break. I’m sorry, that was disgusting. Anyway, watch for the barbed wire strangulation coming up next. Who says there’s no creativity left in comics?
The first fight goes to Barracuda. The Punisher got a few good hits in though, right? Castle escapes, but you can read that for yourself. Oh, did you see that drug dealer hostage tied up in the background during the fight in the shed? Want to know what happens to him?
That’s just the Punisher taking a “bite” out of crime. I apologize, I won’t do this anymore. With all loose ends tied up, let’s move on to the second fight.
Intermission
Did you know the Punisher has friends? Well, not really friends but people who owe him favors? Unfortunately, appearing in a Punisher Max issue cuts down life expectancy tremendously.
Could you hear that haunting prediction over how loud Barracuda’s shirt is? Remember it for twenty pictures down the road.
Round Two
They begin their fight in another abandoned building, but this one is in the city.
Yes, Barracuda kidnapped a baby. Not for some sick fetish stuff or anything, but because what better way to get under the Punisher’s skin than stealing an infant? Speaking of getting under one’s skin:
One of the best reasons to read Punisher Max, besides the characterization and guns, is how wonderfully grim and noir the Punisher’s narration remains during the whole series. I know it doesn’t make sense in my select panels, but I’m just trying for an unsubtle attempt to get you to read it.
And the second fight also goes to Barracuda. Sorry. They start anew an issue or two later.
Round Three
About time the Punisher used those guns of his. They seem to be far more effective than getting within swatting range of his humongous opponent.
We get a quick, efficient fight where Castle stomps aggressively on Barracuda. The Punisher’s not a nice guy. Also this:
Look, amid bloody limbs, shark attacks, and savage beatings, I’m attempting to make this family friendly. So I blurred out the bad word. You can figure out what it’s supposed to be, you’re a smart fellow. Also, please don’t let your family read Punisher Max.
But in good news, Castle finally gets a win! Unfortunately, Barracuda is the only one who knows where the baby’s located, so that’s why he’s in an uncomfortable position. Don’t worry, because the Punisher’s going to make the guy talk. Except for one little problem.
Round Four
Dude’s a beast, you can’t argue with that. We’ve experienced a bunch of hand-to-hand in the past few rounds, but now we totally get to watch a full-on firefight. Not a bad way to change things up a bit.
Action movies always end with the hero walking away from the explosion while holding a young child. Game over.
Round Five
Guess not.
I’m not saying that the previous pictures have been G Rated, but for the next few, please cover up the eyes of all small children or pets currently sitting on your lap
Barracuda’s lucky that mercenary work pays well, because it’s going to take a small fortune in plastic surgery. The Punisher bolts as Barracuda limps towards him. We’re inching towards our finale.
Can you feel the tension? This is it, my friends! Every single word bubble and nose crunching has led to this exact moment. Who will prevail? Will it spoil it for you that this is only the ninth of ten Punisher Max arcs written by Ennis?
A poor immigrant struggles for years to earn enough money for a rickety boat ride to America. He has only a limited grasp of English and minimal skills, but he’s a hard worker who just wants to support his family. Finally, after months of rejection and poverty, an administrator takes pity on him and hires him to be a janitor at the local elementary school. The job can barely pay the bills. Many nights his children don’t get enough to eat, but he’s just happy he can earn a living and his wife is proud of him. His Sunday comes to a close, and the janitor arrives at the school the next morning just as the sun rises to prepare for the upcoming week. It won’t be hard, after all, how messy can a school possibly get over the weekend?
Time for a snow day.
But yay for the Punisher! One more bad guy off the street and not a scratch on the infant. If Castle had the ability to smile anymore, he’d be at least half scowl right now. Have a good day. Don’t commit felonies.
Captain America punches faces, Pt. 2
Posted: 06/19/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 6 CommentsIt’s Captain America day! That guy’s the best.
I went a little into Captain America’s history (real name Steve Rogers) in a previous post, so I’ll get you caught up to the point where our story begins. As you may know, Captain America was killed by a sniper bullet as the Marvel Civil War wrapped up. Very sad. His former WWII sidekick, former Russian brainwashed assassin, and former rogue super spy Bucky Barnes took over the title and costume. Because comics are comics, Rogers came back to life a few years later, and two Captain Americas aren’t really necessary. Bucky gets to keep the role and the shield while Rogers becomes the head of the government agency S.H.I.E.L.D. – basically the new Nick Fury.
For years, the Captain America comics, written beautifully by Ed Brubaker, aimed more towards cool espionage missions. Captain America isn’t backhanding dinosaurs. More of James Bond if he fought terrorists. And the miniseries Steve Rogers: Super Soldier, also written by Brubaker, is no different.
Okay, maybe more James Bond than previously thought. But what kind of comic would it be if plans didn’t go badly?
Yes, they’re giant brutes of men. But Rogers also ranks a zero on the wussy scale. He can run a mile in a minute, bench press half a ton, fought in every major battle of WWII, and is regarded as the best hand-to-hand fighter on the planet. Can the super soldier take on three ex-pro wrestlers? Yes, of course he can. He’s Captain America.
That super soldier serum, the only one of its kind in the world, flows through Rogers’ blood. He’s the absolute peak of human potential. Captain America has taken down Spider-Man in ten seconds and once defeated Iron Man with his bare fists. The guy’s a super soldier, not one or the other. Both are equally important.
But so what? Sure, it’s pretty cool to watch Rogers take down three dudes, but what’s the point of this article? The twist, my friends. Guess who get caught in a trap?
Woopsie. Remember when Captain America was a 90 pound weakling with illnesses too severe to join the army? That’s back! How’s he going to get out of this jam?
Which brings me to why I’m writing this article. Yeah, he may not be super, but he’s always going to be a soldier. And the fire in his gut that got the attention of the super soldier serum scientists in the first place? That never went away. The baddies can take away 150 pounds of muscle, but unfortunately for them, he’s still Captain America.
Compare this next fight with the brawl you witnessed in the beginning. Notice any difference? The only one I can find is that in the second fight, Rogers isn’t wearing a shirt.
Y’see, Captain America’s origin story isn’t tragic like so many other superheroes. He sees Hitler start to conquer Europe, sees the atrocities and horrors the Nazis are inflicting, and decides to enlist to stop them. Rogers knows right and he knows wrong, and his entire belief system follows the singular idea that wrong needs a stern thumping. The character of Captain America had originally been created as a propaganda tool, but the evolution of the character since then has expanded tremendously. I say this every single time: Captain America is the heroic and moral line that all other superheroes judge themselves against. Always has been and always will be.
Most importantly, what does Captain America do to the bad guys when he gets his super soldier serum back?
He beats the crap out of them.
Hulk-ing around
Posted: 06/17/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsThe article title is misleading. No Hulk talk here, instead we’re going to follow around his alter-ego Bruce Banner.
With the Hulk becoming intelligent in the past few years, what’s the point of Banner except as a crutch? Sure, Banner may be just a spindly scientist, but it’s important to remember that he’s also a genius. And I mean genius. As in officially the fourth smartest person in the world. Like Reed Richards and Tony Stark smart.
After World War Hulk, Bammer runs around with his hippie Hulk son that he fathered on the gladiator planet. Because the Red Hulk absorbs all of normal Hulk’s radiation, Banner can’t turn into the Hulk. Yeah, comics. Norman Osborn, in charge of a SHIELD-esque organization, wants to kill Banner. Who needs the Hulk anymore? Cue Dark Reign – The List: Hulk, written by Greg Pak.
Meet Victoria Hand. Despite her unprofessional haircut, she’s Osborn’s right hand man. Who compromised the state of the art security systems? Yessir, Banner has a big ol’ brain.
Ever hear of Bannertech? Of course you haven’t. He’s too busy running from the military in tiny ghost towns to properly market and sell his self-made technology. Also, look again. He’s doing everything from an iPod.
Introducing baby Hulk. His name’s Skaar and like most Hulks, he’s unpleasant, violent, and frequently pissed off. With Banner’s technology and Skaar’s giant sword, victory goes to the good guys. Yay.
But this is the intro to our story. You want to see the nerdiest scientist ever created kick some butt? Of course you do. Unfortunately, we’re going to need some backstory to fully appreciate all the webs spun behind the scenes.
If you’ve read World War Hulk, you know that Skaar didn’t come to the planet Earth at the same time as his father and his army. He arrived later, angry (surprise) and aiming to kill the Hulk. It’s not really important why. But as you saw, Hulk isn’t around. Sadly for revenge’s sake, Banner’s running around devoid of his inner green rage monster. Look, comics are based around the status quo. Everything always goes back to the way it was. Sure, it may take years, but because comic books are a business, Banner’s going to obviously become the Hulk again. Skaar, unable to break the fourth wall but realizes it anyway, figures if he just tags along with Banner on his adventures, puny dad’s going to have to turn back into the green dad sooner or later. Then he can enact his revenge/happy ending.
Anyway, round two of Banner vs. Osborn’s lackey.
Probably not a good idea to take a plane. Y’know, because Banner already proved he can overrride machines and whatnot.
Told you. Though I have no idea what virus can dismantle the glue holding the plane together. I don’t know how planes are built.
I know the problem of comic book technology is the same as comic book magic. It can do literally anything the writer wants it to do. But who cares? Makes it more fun. Oh, so Ms. Hand has a few tricks of her own. And by tricks I mean missiles.
In this technological chess game, Banner has totally field goal’d her bishops with his Zune. I don’t know chess. Though c’mon, Ms. Hand has a red streak in her hair – she’s spontaneous and dangerous!
By the way, the crazy time slowing bubble tech? Never seen again. Which is too bad, because that is some crazy overpowered weapon. Even with Banner putting gun jamming nanoparticulates in the area, how can he possibly get out of this situation? Well, Banner is a tech genius, and what’s the coolest technology of them all?
You’re absolutely right: more missiles. Sure, Mark Ruffalo drove a motorcycle, but can he make stuff explode with his mp3 player?
What happened to Skaar? He was fighting that spandex lady. It’s not a long fight, you can read the issue. Eventually the Hulk family gets away and they debrief the way only a Hulk family could.
The two hug and make s’mores. The end.
Ultimate Magneto’s wild ride
Posted: 06/16/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsYou know about Magneto. Master of magnetism. Arch-nemesis of the X-Men. Versatile supervillain. Let’s talk about him today.
You know the shpiel. Magneto, seeing the mutant race hated and discriminated against, plans to overthrow the humans and rule or destroy or manipulate them for his own goal of mutant superiority. Simply, Magneto believes the mutants to be superior beings, while Professor X and the X-Men just want the mutants treated as equals. But like I said a few articles back, while most characters get their origin stories updated so they stay roughly the same age, Magneto doesn’t get such a luxury. His origin story and beliefs are tied directly with his experiences as a child in the Holocaust. Except that the Holocaust was in the early 1940s and the Marvel universe takes place in present day. And how scary exactly is an 85 year-old Magneto?
Luckily, because comics are comics, Alpha the Ultimate Mutant turned Magneto into a baby as revenge in 1974. An alien agent later aged him to the “prime” of his life. Couple that with the always ten to fifteen years rule that the Marvel universe has been around, Magneto is now probably in his late 40s or early 50s. So that’s why modern Magneto’s posture and muscle tone are so fantastic.
But enough speculation. We’re going to talk about the Magneto from the Ultimate Marvel line that ran through the 2000s. This Magneto, while still just as arrogant and evil, is far darker and crazier. Let’s examine three important components of Magneto’s arcs in Ultimate X-Men.
His beliefs
He’s not a terribly complex villain. Every action he takes is based around this idea:
Now certainly killing seven billion people may be a bit extreme, but don’t forget that in the Ultimate universe, mutants are not treated especially well. And by well I mean mutants are a roach infestation that needs to be removed with lots of bug spray and some boot stomping.
Because you’re a rational person, you understand that the “us vs. them” mentality is rarely if ever that cut-and-dry. But that’s also why you’d make a terrible supervillain. With the exception of maybe Dr. Doom, the key characteristic of every major Marvel supervillain is that all their schemes and desires are coated in a thin layer of mental instability. And Magneto is no different. Even when he’s in that delightful plastic prison you know from the X-Men movies.
I know there’s a girl there with him. Don’t worry about that. Long story.
So let’s pretend you’re Magneto. You’ve made an insane point. You’ve gone into a long soliloquy about why your way is right and if this young girl wants to join your cause, she’ll not only be rewarded, she’ll be fighting for the safety of her people. You’re staring each other in the eyes as she contemplates the offer just presented. She’s young, but even she must understand the threat approaching mutantkind in these tumultuous days. She gives you her answer. What do you do?
Did you say hit the teenager with a chair? No? See, this is why you’d be a terrible supervillain.
Okay, you’ve realized he’s delusional and egotistical, but to be fair, so would you if you had his mutant powers.
His power
What does magnetic manipulation actually mean? It’s fairly vague, but by changing the magnetic fields that are always around us, Magneto can fly, bind superheroes, control metal, etc. Essentially, that means don’t bring anything around him of sentimental value:
Because he can do this:
Oops, no more plane. The problem with such power as that is it’ll go to your head. If you can jump ten feet, you can use it to pick chicks up at the bar, but you’re not going to trash talk other dudes who can make lightning storms or shoot eyeball beams. But magnetism is different. Cue the boasting:
As sweet as Kanye West’s beats are, he can’t shift the earth’s poles and flood the planet. This is an ego well-deserved. Except for one problem. He gets his butt kicked. Like a lot. As in every time he tries to do something. Sure, he’ll start with the advantage, but that’s because superheroes are reactive and not preventative.
In the Ultimate Marvel universe, no villain has accomplished as much as Magneto in terms of amount of destruction. He’s wiped out cities and set off nuclear reactors. Yet send a group of six children and their paraplegic teacher after him and he folds like tissue paper.
His beatings
Hate Magneto yet? You should. Sure, he’s fictional, but he would hate you. Can’t turn your body into ice or command telekinesis? Magneto thinks you’re better off dead. Yeah, what a jerk. Luckily, the X-Men will protect you the best way they know how. Painfully.
And the peace-loving, human-loving Professor X? Sure, he’s not an advocate of violence. Yes, he doesn’t want to endanger the lives of his students. I know, he’s the moral compass that all the X-Men are expected to follow.
But most importantly, don’t screw with the professor.
Maybe there’s a reason the people fear mutants so much.
Late night superhero poker
Posted: 06/14/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsTo finish off the second week of the new format, let’s read something fun.
What do superheroes do when they’re not superhero-ing? They have to have hobbies, right? I mean, not Hawkeye because he’s on like eight teams, but the others must have some downtime. Well, they aren’t knitting.
Late night poker games! Forever hosted by the least cuddly of all superheroes, the Thing.
You know the Thing. He’s part of the Fantastic Four and a big orange rock monster. But more of him in a later article. We’re going to follow along with one special game, and it’s absolutely delightful.
Yup, the patrols have all wrapped up, the criminals are all locked up, and it’s time to kick back with your superbuddies. In Spectacular Spider-Man #21, written by Paul Jenkins, we enjoy a fight where the only thing that bruising and blood spilling would hurt are good vibes and good times.
Let’s get caught up on the rest of our players:
But you can’t sell an issue entirely on a card game where superheroes spend all 20 pages busting each other’s balls. No, good sales require tension, excitement, and a little suspense. Don’t you worry your little heads. Just because not a single punch is thrown in this issue, it has all the excitement any normal Spider-Man adventure would have.
Because he shows up:
I know the Kingpin has been a prominent player in my articles recently, but this isn’t the cruel and manipulative Kingpin that haunts the nightmares of law abiding citizens. Nope, this is just a man of questionably moral character attempting to defeat the good guys in a competition where he finally has the upper hand.
See? Stakes are high. Even with the addition of the top mobster in New York City, the happy mood mellows on. Besides, superheroes are used to being in high pressure situations.
All the exciting poker action you see live on TV! Put forty pounds and sunglasses on the superheroes and you’d be unable to tell the difference.
By the way, isn’t it nice to see superheroes use their powers for stuff other than pounding evil? Spider-Man practically cheats with his spider-sense anyway. Plus, it’s like a sneak peek at the conversations we would have if we wore costumes, fought crime, and had magical adventures. You know why superheroes always hang out with one another? Because after a day of stopping an alien invasion and taking out a squad of robbers dressed like zoo animals, who could talk about “normal” stuff? Oh, the salad you had for lunch was a little dry, I’m sorry, I’m just a little tired today after toppling an empire in the microuniverse.
Finally, the table is down to the final two. Our selfless hero Spider-Man versus a somewhat good natured Kingpin. Ready for the final showdown? Are you sitting down for the last hand of the game? You probably are, because you’re reading this on your computer.
Let’s not delay anymore. You don’t need my commentary to watch this brutal battle unfold and see who ultimately claims victory.
Yay for the good guys! Though to be fair, the Kingpin will probably just claim the money as a tax write-off anyway. Charity and all. Because despite the obvious outcome, bad guys have to lose. Whether it’s fistfights, races, or card games, being a villain means you’re not going to win. That’s why we read superhero comics in the first place. Good triumphing over evil and all that jazz.
Now go finish that report. But remember, even Spider-Man takes time out after work to meet up with his friends. Or Netflix. I’m not really sure what he does. Most of his issues are him dodging punches.
Daredevil and Spider-Man get pissed off
Posted: 06/13/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been silly and fun. Let’s do something heartbreaking this time.
I’ve mentioned many times on this blog that horribly tragic events occur far too often in the lives of superheroes. Not to mention that bad guy beating is a high stress possession. Plus, you know the cruelty of supervillains. Eventually, and it’s always an eventuality, a superhero will break. You’ve read the title of the article, so you know who I’m going to talk about.
Daredevil
We’ll start with Daredevil (real name Matt Murdock). He’s not as well-known as some of the others and his movie sucked. When he was young, he rushes to save a blind man from an oncoming truck, causing the truck’s radioactive cargo to blind Murdock. His father, a famous boxer, was killed by the mafia for not throwing a fight shortly after. Daredevil has extensive martial arts training , his remaining four senses are greatly heightened, and this cool radar sense like bats do to detect stuff around him. Also, no other superhero in the Marvel world has suffered as much as him.
This is how most Daredevil stories end:
He’s had two lovers killed, his secret identity exposed, his law career ruined, his house blown up, his soul possessed, more nervous breakdowns than I can mention, and that’s just in recent years. The newest issues of Daredevil attract readers by promising that he’ll actually win once in a while. So Murdock tends to be a bit angrier and more frustrated than most superheroes. But at least you know he has good reason.
We jump to Daredevil #49 and #50, written by the genius Brian Michael Bendis. Murdock has just gotten married to a wonderful blind woman. Sure, he’s attacked daily. His livelihood and reputation are a wreck. But for the first time in a very long time, his life has at least one bright light in the mind-numbingly painful fog.
Until Bullseye shows up one night at Daredevil’s apartment just as Daredevil left for patrol. The same Bullseye who killed his first wife and a later girlfriend.
Daredevil has had a bad decade. His only goal is to make his neighborhood safe. And he’s suffered for every single good deed he’s done. Murdock’s piled on so much crap that he hasn’t hung himself is a victory itself. A human psyche can only handle so much. And Bullseye attempting to murder his wife is the final rock that shatters the proverbial window of his sanity.
And you have just witnessed the exact moment Daredevil snapped.
You know what can hurt more than fists? Words.
He’s definitely pissed off, but this Bullseye fight isn’t why I’m bringing up Daredevil. You read the word bubbles. Bullseye’s a pawn. Time to go after the king.
And trust me, his anger has not subsided:
Yes, you’re right – Daredevil doesn’t kill. But he knows the Kingpin can survive being hit with a car, which is something you probably won’t see Captain America doing. No more games. No more level bosses to defeat and move on. This is game over.
You see, he’s fought the Kingpin and his lackies for years. Daredevil will put them in jail, destroy their operations, and save Hell’s Kitchen. Rinse and repeat his entire crime fighting career. He’s beaten the same assassins dozens of times. He’s ruined mobster schemes hundreds of times. Yet, the cycle never ends. The bad guys return to commit atrocities over and over again, and Daredevil has lost everything he cares about because of it.
No more.
Time to send a message. And if the driving a car through the wall trick isn’t broken, why fix it?
Yeah, that’s definitely not what Captain America would do. And what does Daredevil get out of this? What’s the end result? A few months of peace, the arrival of a new kingpin, a sniper bullet through the chest, and a lengthy jail sentence. It sucks to be Daredevil.
Spider-Man
While not as bad as Daredevil, Spider-Man’s life hasn’t been terribly easy. He’s a genius, but he makes awful decisions. We go back a few years to the Marvel Civil War. I’m going to go over this quickly. While chasing the supervillain Nitro through a suburb, the New Warriors team failed to capture him and Nitro exploded, killing hundreds of civillains and the nearby elementary school.
In response, the government passed the Superhuman Registration Act, forcing all superheroes to de-mask, register with the government, and serve on a federally supervised superhero team. It split the Marvel world in two. Spider-Man, in a show of support for the law, publicly revealed his identity as Peter Parker and registered. Turns out secret identities are secret for a reason. The Kingpin hired an assassin to kill Parker, and in a botched attempt, the sniper’s bullet missed Parker and hit his 70ish year-old Aunt May. This is where our story picks up in Amazing Spider-Man #539 through #543, written by J. Michael Straczynski.
He spends the next three or so issues hunting down who ordered the hit.
Yeah, this is not the Spider-Man you know and love. Nothing lighthearted in this arc. Remember, Aunt May didn’t get by a bus. She was shot because her nephew is Spider-Man. And if you have to pick a single personality flaw of spider-Man, it’s that he doesn’t take loss and guilt well.
Not a good arc to prove how funny Spider-Man can be. Parker, emotionally ruined by seeing his Aunt May on life support, has become a force of terror aimed straight at the Kingpin. And the reader observes a Spider-Man they have never seen before.
Forgot to mention the Kingpin bunks in jail. No matter. The confrontation now has an audience.
Getting a fairly good grasp of the Kingpin’s personality so far? You don’t become the crime boss of New York City without being a giant douche. All definitions of giant.
Figured out that Kingpin doesn’t stand a chance? I mean, you saw Spider-Man chuck a jeep earlier.
Spider-Man’s right, you know. He’s way faster, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a normal person. And the Kingpin, unfortunately, is a normal person. Parker has the capability to kill with just a simple flick of the wrist, and what has set him apart from the supervillains is his refusal to do so. But not anymore. The Kingpin no longer deserves any mercy.
Spider-Man has never been scarier than this moment:
It’s crazy awesome, right? Spider-Man has snapped before, but never that deeply. Too bad he’s too poor to afford therapy. Crime fighting isn’t a lucrative gig.
Just so there’s no closure, obviously Spider-Man doesn’t kill the Kingpin. Immediately after this began the controversial Brand New Day story arc, where the demon Mephisto offers to save Aunt May’s life in exchange for Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage. As an added bonus, mainly to return some of the status quo, everyone forgets Spider-Man’s secret identity. A benefit of being a comic book, I guess.
Nothing like a few bad days though, huh? Or in the Kingpin’s case, a bunch of them.
Hawkeye & Spider-Woman: a love story
Posted: 06/12/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 8 CommentsI’m not going to lie, Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) does well with the comic book ladies. He’s handsome, confident, has a criminal record, and saved the world a few times – a combination that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex. But he is also a devoted, loving husband. Well, was. About two years ago, his wife Mockingbird and he broke up in the desert while Mockingbird stood outside a plane as it blasted off, as comic book relationships should. Luckily, he’s a catch and unlike the other blond Avenger, he wasn’t born in a time when swing music was popular.
Spider-Woman (real name Jessica Drew) may be a bit more unknown to you. Her parents were terrorists, who experimented on their baby to make a super baby. She can fly, has enhanced physical abilities, shoots bio-electric blasts from her hands, and can excrete a pheromone that makes men suddenly attracted to her. Also, she’s in absolutely no way related or associated with Spider-Man. Long story short, she’s recently back after being abducted by a shape-changing alien race called the Skrulls and ready to battle the bad guys. Oh, also date again.
Brian Michael Bendis, the genius comic book writer, has spent over a decade writing Ultimate Spider-Man, the best combination ever done of punching and high school drama. He’s brought his talents to the pages of The Avengers, and it’s no less high school drama-y. I love it.
Did you know the Avengers have a mansion where their butler serves them cereal or whatever? It’s nice to be an Avenger. Our romance starts when the extraterrestrial Noh-Varr brings over his human college girlfriend.
Yeah, now Hawkeye knows she available and desperate: his type of woman. By the way, circus boy isn’t really an insult – he grew up on a circus with his supervillain brother Trick Shot and mentor Swordsman. Both fairly on-the-nose names.
Because they’re Avengers, they’re always moments away from some big battle. Fortunately in their brief downtime, they get invited to a party with Thor and the Asgardians, currently living in the ruins of Oklahoma. Spider-Woman and Ms. Marvel sneak off to a corner of the Viking-esque palace so they can gossip while sipping their cosmopolitans mead.
Just because they’re superheroes doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Sure, Ms. Marvel’s costume is more of a one-piece swimsuit with boots and Spider-Woman has no pupils, but why shouldn’t they find love? At least for Drew. Ms. Marvel’s out of luck.
The Avengers comic had this brilliant idea that the stories would be told as if the Avengers were sitting down for interviews for a documentary. I beg you to go read it in its entirety, but at least you get to enjoy moments like this.
It’s like The Bachelor confessionals! Only unlike The Bachelor, we don’t hate everyone in the Avengers.
So let’s witness the two’s first real flirt. I promise you it’ll go exactly as you hoped it would.
Were you hoping for awkward? I’m always amazed at how blindingly overconfident Hawkeye is about everything. His outfit is bright purple and his most useful superpower is glue arrows. Even when Bucky joined for a while as Captain America’s replacement, he had a cool bionic arm. I don’t deny that “master marksman” is a neat title. It just doesn’t compare to say, “able to bench press a minivan,” which at the time of this issue, 11 of the 15 Avengers could. And of the others who don’t have super strength, Iron Fist’s the inheritor of a millennium old kung fu magic, Dr. Strange’s the Sorcerer Supreme, and Mockingbird is Hawkeye’s ex-wife. I adore Hawkeye, but his trump card is an arrow attached to a net.
Still, just because Hawkeye recently got out of a bad relationship, why can’t the two hang out for a while? This could be healthy. Especially Spider-Woman, because she’s a mess.
C’mon, you tell me, what’s a little harmless flirting? Tony Stark does that with every woman he has ever met in his life. What’s so different about these two? Well, this is the cover of the next issue:
You see, when two people battle a possessed Hulk, currently carrying a hammer of Thor, it brings them closer together. No matter how tough a superhero claims to be, nothing makes them wet their pants faster than an angry Hulk. And you’ve seen the movie, he’s always angry. As the team retreats from the battle, it’s either the adrenaline or Hulk blood’s actually an aphrodisiac, but we’re finally rewarded for months of teasing.
A lovely moment! Though Ms. Marvel cannot get away from being this side plot’s third wheel. That poor girl. She doesn’t even wear pants, why can’t she get some superhero action? About two years ago, Venom ate her and revealed to Spider-Man that she has a little crush on him. Nothing’s come out of it, and they’re both single. Plus, Spider-Man’s dated supermodel Mary Jane Watson, currently has a high-paying job as a mad scientist, and he’s a proven family man by providing for his elderly Aunt May. Ms. Marvel could do way worse.
Anyway, after the romantic moment shared in the back of a truck, watch Barton seal the deal.
I know you want some satisfaction on this budding relationship. I’m going to give it to you. Because nothing is hotter than making out in the Avengers garden where they bury dead superheroes.
Captain America’s such a c-blocker. Though if you have any complaints about Yankee Doodle, skirting the subject isn’t one of them.
See? A real couple! They’re still together too, because this issue was only a few months ago. They’ll probably stay together until one of them gets sucked into a phantom dimension or turned into a communist robot.
In case you’re curious, Captain America’s in a serious, long-term relationship with the niece of the woman he fell in love with during World War II. Oh, and he used to date the Scarlet Witch, who was married to a robot. And let’s not forget Diamondback, a supervillian whose superpower is gymnastics. So if that’s the dating standard for the poster boy of how a superhero is supposed to act, Hawkeye and Spider-Woman stand a very good chance.
Fun with Deadpool
Posted: 06/11/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel Leave a commentHe’s the perfect superhero for the ADHD Internet era. Completely wacky, extremely violent, and just a hint of self-loathing, Deadpool has rocketed in popularity over the past decade.
If you want to keep up with the youth in up and coming superhero fads, you need to know about Deadpool. Plus, all of his series are fantastically written and delightfully fun.
A little backstory to get you caught up before we divulge into our issue for today.
Deadpool, real name Wade Wilson, is a product of the Weapon X program, which you may know as the main reason for Wolverine’s angst and memory loss. As a science guinea pig, Deadpool was given Wolverine’s mutant healing factor. Unfortunately, that also sped up the growth of the cancerous tumors he happened to have and left his body horrible scarred and disfigured. But hey, at least he heals fast, and coupled with his extensive military training, makes him a formidable mercenary and assassin.
You still might be asking, what’s so special about a Wolverine ripoff? Well, he doesn’t have claws. More importantly, he’s insane and I can’t stress how literally I mean that. Allow me to provide proof using his battle against Bullseye in Deadpool #10 through #12, written by Daniel Way.
Real fast: Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, has created a team of Dark Avengers. Bullseye, pretending to be Hawkeye, is sent after Deadpool to get rid of him. Deadpool has just robbed a house when he goes upstairs to check on the owner. Yeah, so Deadpool’s not exactly a superhero.
One guess to figure out who’s the assassin. Bullseye and Deadpool scrap for a few pages, because it’s why we read comics in the first place.
And now that you’re caught up, I’m going to skip a bunch of context. Look, the two are going to be fighting for the next three issues, you can figure out from the pictures what’s going on. Like this:
That healing factor makes Deadpool pretty much invincible. Around forty issues later, the Hulk will punch Deadpool so hard that his body liquefies, and he’s back to normal a few days later. So while an arrow through the brain ain’t physically lethal, I imagine it does screw up a few cognitive processes. Probably. I’m not a scientist.
A large part of Deadpool’s charm is his schizophrenia. Arguing with the voices in his head and such. Turns his solo series into a team up. You see his appeal? No? Well, it’s stuff such as this:
And this:
Want to take a guess about Deadpool’s reputation in the superhero and supervillain communities? Did you say universally hated? Yeah, Deadpool isn’t getting invited to any late night poker games. Though don’t feel bad for him, because in a world where a blue furry mutant cat can get an attractive normal green-haired girlfriend, the fault lies entirely with Deadpool. He’s kind of a loose cannon – oh, and a moron.
But it’s because of how crazily stupid he is that we get moments like these. Moments that etch Deadpool’s name permanently into the annals of the Marvel greats. Moments such as the three full pages you’re about to read.
You see, even as funny as Spider-Man’s comics are, they’re still surrounded by monologues and scenes of Spider-Man’s frustrating anguish and the burden of responsibility. These make him more relatable and the reader roots harder for him to win. Deadpool comics don’t bother with those, because Deadpool’s a silly, spontaneous character who’s lacks any sense of accountability for his actions. Other superhero comics deal with their protagonists overcoming overwhelming odds to persevere in the face of adversity and those are fantastic stories, but Deadpool’s about fun and he’s found a major following because of it.
The irony is that his dickish behavior’s the reason he’s so loved.
And if you’ve found yourself emotionally invested in this story and want to know how it ends, you’re in luck. Bullseye and Deadpool go back to being sort of friends. Why? Because the unifying theme in all his adventures revolves around Deadpool not giving a crap. Cue the next arc where he decides to join the X-Men and the arc after that where he fights a macaque monkey assassin with Spider-Man. You’re damn right you want to read it.
Arousing Grammar 