Let’s take a break with Hercules and Psylocke

I get distracted when I find a good Hercules story, like the one I showed last time.  We’ll get back to our Spider-Man articles on Monday (especially because I haven’t actually shown a story starring Spider-Man yet), but as you end your week working diligently for The Man, relax and be delighted with this little love story from X-Men: To Serve and Protect #4, written by James Asmus and drawn by Eric Koda, Sandu Florea, & Miguel Munera.

This begins as most romantic tales do: halfway into the battle against a talking griffin.

From what you know about Hercules, he enjoys many of the simple pleasures in life: beer, punching, and ladies.  And I guess not wearing shirts.  While the beer’ll come later and the punching ends satisfyingly, that really only leaves one more desire left.  Like seducing a psychic ninja mutant.

Hercules almost certainly smells terrible and has prolific back hair.  But he is tall, strong, in fantastic shape, and speaks like he just left a performance of Macbeth.  While Psylocke can totally read minds, she didn’t really need to in order to recite our dear hero’s pick up lines.  By the way, those lines won’t work at your local bar.

I imagine many people’ll get upset over young Psylocke’s reaction to Hercules.  I totally get it. “Psylocke wouldn’t respond that way!” “Psylocke wouldn’t fall for Herc’s lines!”  Maybe.  But the beauty of a being a fictional character is that if this pairing upsets you, retcon it in your brain or something.  And even as an adult man, if a god beat up a supervillain in front of me and offered to carry me to his bedroom, I’d need a few moments to consider.  Especially gods wearing huge belt buckles with their initial on it.

Yes, they totally hook up.  Proof in a few pages, but I’d like to believe this story ends with Psylocke retaining her good role model for young independent women characterization.  Because unlike many superheroes (say, Hercules), she learns from her mistakes.  And while I wouldn’t call sleeping with the promiscuous Hercules a complete mistake (maybe if he provides a doctor’s note), she realizes in the past few years that she should devote her attention to stable relationship-orientated men instead.  Like the heir of Apocalypse’s eternally damned empire.  Or a schizophrenic self-absorbed French thief. Much better choices.

Understand this: sure, Hercules flirts repeatedly with any girl who doesn’t wear pants to the point of both wild overconfidence and frenetic charm, but he’s always and forever a proper gentlemen.

Well, close enough.

A Spider-Man love story interlude

Thanks to my new best friend Doug Fuchs (whose website you should totally visit), I realized how long it’s been since a Spider-Man article.  So let’s have a week of them.  Or two.  Or three.  We deserve it.

I know I’m not interrupting anything, and an “interlude” title makes no sense, but today I want us to see an adorable little side story from Spider-Man Unlimited #4, written by Robert Kirkman and drawn by Cory Walker & Scott Hanna.  And truthfully, Spider-Man only plays a side role (a punching side role).  But when something charms me like this short story does, I’d be a jerk not to share it with those I love (readers).

A man trapped in an ongoing bank robbery witnesses the girl of his dreams.  No better way to tell your grandkids how you met than during a traumatic bonding experience.  I’m a big fan of blossoming love, especially in comics.

Do you know the supervillains Powerhouse and Masterblaster?  You do?  You’re amazing, because they’re wildly minor X-Men villains.  I had to look them up on Wikipedia.  Oh yeah, and Spider-Man shows up.  His name adorns the title of the series, after all.

Sometimes I’m surprised dojos don’t line every street corner in New York City.  The collateral damage these superpowered fights alone involves expertly dodging all sorts of glass, rubble, and recently kung fu’d bodies.  Sure, Spider-Man can do a flying jump kick across a city block, but he can’t web every piece of debris hurling through the air.  I mean, he probably could, depending on the writer (or in my heart).

You wonder why people think Spider-Man’s a menace?  Because they see buildings collapse around them every day from his brawls.  Captain America goes to space, announces he took down Thanos, and everyone politely claps.  Or maybe propaganda’s in bad taste when the man holds the name of our country.  And fought in every major battle of World War II.  And went into space and took down Thanos.  Either way, at least Spider-Man didn’t prevent true love today.

See?  Super charming.  You’re in a better mood for having read this story.  Next time we’ll jump into Spider-Man’s supporting cast.  It’s investigative, which is when I feel the most important.

The Thing’s fiancée, Pt. 2

When we left off on Friday, the Thing (Ben Grimm) and Deb Green just got engaged.  Happiness ensues, and the two begin to plan the rest of their life together.  A rare happy ending in the plethora of superhero tragedy.

I could end the article right here.  Except for one little problem I brought up last time.  That and about twenty images left.  Remember Deb’s ex-boyfriend Jason?  He was that dude with obnoxiously long hair, and angry that Deb started dating a rock monster, Jason decided to go public with details of her past.  Being a teacher from Brooklyn, her dirt isn’t terribly dirty, but she is a celebrity now.  And you know how we treat celebrities.

He’s lying.  Deb knows it.  Ben knows it.  The world knows it.  But y’see, it’s not his accusations that make this part important — it’s how the Thing reacts to the accusations.  Hint: not well.

The following two pages give Ben more of a beating than any number of Doctor Dooms could ever hope.  Y’know, because it’s an emotional dressing down on live TV.

I want to believe this scene happened for two reasons.  First, to showcase Deb as not just another supporting character — as in who cares that the Thing’s marrying some ordinary girl?  Well, there’s a strength within her that normal ladies don’t possess, and it’s that strength that attracted the Thing to her in the first place.  Probably.  More importantly, have you realized the Thing doesn’t wear shoes? Like ever?  Even on television shows?

Anyway, Ben has to apologize, because the Marvel universe firmly stands against bullying.

Unlike superheroes with secret identities, the bad guys know who the Fantastic Four are, where they live, who they’re dating, and what they’re doing most of the time.  No secrets in the genius business.

I think we underestimate the power of the Thing.  The dude can lift over a hundred tons, about ten times the strength of Spider-Man.  He can run a good twenty-four hours before getting tired.  The guy’s rock body can withstand anything from a punch from the Hulk to a range of severe heat and cold. While by no means invincible (the Thing has died and been resurrected before), his superpowers can make him devastatingly powerful compared to superheroes without his degree of strength, much less civilians.

If Ben loses his temper, which happens far more often than comfortable, the damage he can cause could be catastrophic.  How can Deb feel safe around that?  Well, I assume the continuing declaration of Ben’s love for her certainly helps.  That and despite everything I’ve just said, the Thing’s a gentle giant — after all, the Thing does live with Reed and Sue’s two young children, who adore him above all else.  We as readers can suspend our disbelief that cosmic rays turned the Thing into an orange rock monster, but we would never buy that he’d actually hurt the people he cares about.  Which is also the same reason the next scene has to happen.

At least the Thing wears shoes to his wedding.  So I usually read the comics I write about three or four times each.  Once for the initial reading, again when I convert the pages into jpegs, a third time as I write the first draft, and a fourth as I edit for the final article.  And every time, this next scene destroys me.  Ruins me.

Underneath the Thing’s jovial personality lies a thick goo of self-loathing.  The guy’s a rock monster against his will, after all.  I mean, Luke Cage gets the unbreakable skin and super strength all while still keeping his dashing good looks.  But poor Ben Grimm must suffer his skin condition to be the superhero he knows he needs to be.  And so when you think of a list of superheroes who deserve to be happy — I’m talking who’ve truly earned the right to be loved — the Thing’s name pops up immediately.  And let’s not even get into his horrible childhood either.

But as Ben’s been fighting the good fight for roughly a decade and a half, he understands the world he lives in.  As much as he deserves Deb’s love, a superhero’s wife isn’t the lifestyle wished upon anybody.  If only because with the superhero must also come the supervillains.

Along with the four superheroes brought up above — Daredevil’s girlfriend Karen Page, Spider-Man’s girlfriend Gwen Stacy, Bruce Banner’s wife Betty Ross, and Namor’s wife Lady Dorma — the sheer amount of women who have died because of their relationship with superheroes is staggering.  Just with a quick bit of research we have Professor X’s girlfriend Moira McTaggert, Green Lantern’s girlfriend Alex DeWitt, Flash’s wife Iris West, Captain Britain’s girlfriend Courtney Ross, Batman’s girlfriend Kathy Kane, etc., and that doesn’t even include the children such as Arsenal’s daughter Lian Harper and Aquaman’s son Arthur Curry Jr.

Frustratingly, the Thing knows all this.  Every last detail.  And that’s why he can’t get married.

As for the Thing?  He’ll bounce back, because like his rocky exterior, he has no other choice.

The Thing’s fiancée, Pt. 1

When the Fantastic Four had their rocketship bathed in cosmic rays, the Thing lost everything. The others, for the most part, stayed themselves only with super cool new powers. But poor Ben Grimm, now a six foot, five hundred pound rock monster, had a lifetime of self-loathing ahead of him. But don’t feel too bad.  With his appearance and strength, he did become filthy rich, a major celebrity, an Avenger, and has saved the world dozens of times. A worthy trade, I’m sure. And today, he finds love.

I’m going to be showing you scenes from a fifteen comic run. We’ll start at the relationship’s beginning and go all the way to the relationship’s conclusion because I’m way too good to you all.  To save me trouble, I’m unloading all the issues used here:
Fantastic Four #554, written by Mark Millar & Bryan Hitch and drawn by Paul Neary
Fantastic Four #555, written by Millar & Hitch and drawn by Neary & Hitch
Fantastic Four #558, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #559, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #560, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #562, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #563, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #564, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #565, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #566, written by Millar and drawn by Hitch
Fantastic Four #568, written by Millar & Joe Ahearne and drawn by Hitch & Neil Edwards
Fantastic Four #569, written by Millar & Joe Ahearne and drawn by Stuart Immonen

I know it’s a doozy.  Please understand that I’m not going to cover any of the fights.  Not one.  And oh, the fights are amazing.  Here’s a tease to lick those bloodthirsty lips of yours:

By the way, the final arc of Millar’s run contains one of the best Fantastic Four vs. Dr. Doom battles ever written.  You should treat yourself.  Anyway, our story begins innocently enough. When not saving the world, the Fantastic Four like to do some philanthropic work, and what student wouldn’t enjoy an appearance by respectable, lovable superheroes?

Mr. Fantastic’s marriage is fine.  Sort of.  Now, the Fantastic Four have a unique position in the superhero world.  Think of the team as a business.  They possess no secret identities and the Baxter Building (where they live) is well-known and prominent in the New York skyline.  Reed supports the family through government contracts and patents while occasionally taking a break to defeat Galactus or whatever.  None of them are public menaces.  I’m just saying Spider-Man waltz into a school.

Oh, and want to see how the Thing flirts?  Of course you do.

Don’t be surprised.  For one, the Thing’s in good shape (for being covered in stones).  Also, he’s a celebrity, and you know the kind of power that has over women.  Regardless, Ben still has to win her over the hard way.  Y’know, hard like a rock monster.  By the way, if you’ve never read Fantastic Four comics, this is how Mr. Fantastic always talks:

From there, the romance blossoms.  How could Deb not like the Thing?  He can spout a decade of exciting stories, he has a delightfully confident personality, and he’s completely hairless.  Plus, free rides in the Fantasticar.

After a whole bunch of Human Torch subplots, the two lovebirds part ways for the night.  And what kind of love story would this be without an uncomfortable part of the past brought up?  I’m not talking about the Wizard or Mole Man, I mean from Deb’s past.

Though more on that Monday.  Pesky ex-boyfriends always cause so much trouble, even from totally normal civilians like Deb.  But if a spurned lover is all there is to dig up, thank goodness.  If she had superpowers, her ex would almost certainly be half-alien and half-octopus or something.

As the two become closer and the arc progresses, the Thing poses an important question.  A super important question.  Though since you’ve read the title of the article, I figure you can make a pretty good guess.

Spoiler alert: she says yes.

The drama picks up later in the arc, and I promise it’s juicy.  But this engagement does bring up an important issue: superheroes tend to live dangerous, brutal, and short lives.  And the supporting cast? Far scarier than actually throwing the punches.  Turns out supervillains lack that morality to not target the loved ones, friends, and families of their enemies.  Even with the Baxter Building  containing the most advanced security measures in the known world, the threat doesn’t go away.

Is he?  Well, you’ll find out Monday.  Or go look up the issues yourself, I can’t control what you do.

Wolverine: a love story, Pt. 2

Sabretooth would be way more fun to hang out with than Wolverine.  Sure, Sabretooth (Victor Creed) oozes full-on psychopath, but at least he smiles once in a while.  Wolverine (Logan) spends most of his time brooding and drunk — who also by the way, currently stands as the moral center of the X-Men in Marvel comics nowadays.  We continue our story from Wolverine #13-19, volume 3, written by Greg Rucka and drawn by Darick Robertson.  As we left off, a shady corporation kidnapped Wolverine’s feral girlfriend Native; our hero and his new sidekick Sabretooth head out to rescue her/murder a shady corporation.

By the way, remember the passionate off-panel love making in the previous article?  This is how dirty she was:

For someone with heightened senses, Wolverine certainly doesn’t seem picky about his lovers.

From a story point perspective, Sabretooth’s desire for revenge isn’t well backed up.  The businessmen may have cut him out of the deal to capture Native, but that’s not enough motivation for him to drive cross country and frantically wave his claws.  So, turns out the shady corporation made even eviler plans.

I never understood why bad guys would betray fellow bad guys.  Especially baddies with healing factors and a vengeful streak.  I mean, if a group of people betrays Spider-Man, he’ll throw a few punches and send them to jail.  But Sabretooth-level supervillains?  Someone’s going to get disemboweled.  On a more important note, why all this hoopla about kidnapping the wolf-girl?  How about both an explanation and a surprise?

Turns out Wolverine also has super sperm.  Basically, the shady corporation figures if they strap down Native once a month or so, they can extract the eggs and grow a bunch of Wolverines.  And what despot or crimelord wouldn’t pay top dollar for their very own Wolverine?

Anyway, the team up between Logan and his arch-nemesis comes to a screeching halt (it’s a pun):

See why Sabretooth would be more fun to hang out with?  As you can imagine, Wolverine’s plan is fairly straightforward.  Slash, jump, slash, repeat.  Not a complicated superhero.

I just realized that without the next page, Wolverine sounds like he’s about to, er, terminate the pregnancy.  Instead, he’s taking out the radiation pill that hinders her healing factor.  I aim to be non-controversial.

And on the other side of the base?

Exactly how much does he hate his former employers?  He spites them more than Wolverine, who left him braindead while being pinned under a car.  That sort of hatred runs deep.  Unfortunately for our protagonist, Sabretooth doesn’t like to leave business unfinished, such as say that whole Native problem.  Supervillain obligations, y’know?

I present to you a page of bliss, with the only time Logan seems content the whole arc:

Y’see, Wolverine still has enemies.  Tons of enemies.  So to protect Native’s and his unborn child, he’ll ship her up to Professor X’s school where the world’s most manipulative powerful telepath resides.  And the next moment everything goes wrong, because Wolverine has horrific luck with happiness.

Bad news: Sabretooth finds her first.

His reasons for killing her do make sort of sense.  I mean, they’re selfish and evil, but his points are valid.  Sabretooth knows she’ll eventually get recaptured and once again have her reproductive goodies sucked out.  Comic books tend to repeat themselves every few years.  With an army of obedient Wolverines on the market, Sabretooth won’t be able to make his living as an actual for-hire Wolverine. Well, that and to spite his arch-nemesis.  Sabretooth hates Wolverine and competition equally.

The end result?

Maybe Wolverine has valid reasons for always being grumpy.

By the way, I cut out two Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fights, Logan’s inner man or animal struggle, Wolverine and Native bonding, tons of bad guy characterization, and so much more. It’s well worth your time to go pick up this book.

Now wipe your tears off the keyboard.  Next time, we’ll do something happy, I promise.

Wolverine: a love story, Pt. 1

For being a dirty, hairy, smelly little man, Wolverine has quite the impressive list of past lovers. Unfortunately, Wolverine’s love life is forever plagued by tragedy and suffering.  Wolverine’s killed wives, seen his wives killed, killed in front of his wives, etc.  Y’see, these women represent the best of humanity — sophistication, forgiveness, sensitivity — all traits Wolverine lacks.  So maybe to form a long-lasting romantic connection he needs to find someone different, like say, exactly like him. Exactly like him.  Today, we’re wishing Wolverine luck in Wolverine #13-19, volume 3, written by Greg Rucka and drawn by Darick Robertson.

Oh yeah, Sabretooth (aka Victor Creed) plays a prominent part as well.  If you aren’t familiar with Wolverine’s arch-nemesis, he has the same feral instincts, powers, and general contempt as our protagonist.  Every year or so, they claw each other up, heal, rinse and repeat next year.  Today, Sabretooth’s making some easy cash.  Well, it’s supposed to be easy.

Regardless, Sabretooth didn’t get to the top of the supervillain food chain by being a dummy.  Instead of risking another month of hunting just to be ripped open again, he figures maybe he could have someone else waste that time for him.  Y’know, someone who’s not terribly busy at the moment.

Weapon X: the secret evil group that brainwashed Wolverine into a mindless killing machine.  Turns out some leftovers run around the local woods.  But bad memories aside, why would Sabretooth pick Wolverine to hunt for his employers?

Wolverine finds this specimen soon enough, because it’d be a terrible comic if he just wandered around the forest for seven issues.  As the fight progresses, I present to you the grossest thing I’ve seen in comics in a long time:

See?  A female Wolverine!  A failed Weapon X experiment currently more animal than man, which of course, means Wolverine has only possible option:

Ew.  Even if we assume the best, this wild woman hasn’t brushed her teeth in a decade.  Dirt, grime, and slime cover her entire body.  She certainly hasn’t shaved (or trimmed) any of her body hair in years.  I’m not saying she carries bear Herpes or anything, but maybe Wolverine could take her for a doctor’s visit before getting lost in passion’s embrace.

More importantly, Sabretooth messed up following/clawing them.

If you need just one reason to buy this book, Wolverine battling helicopters is worth the cover price alone.

For a man with very limited super strength/speed, zero projectiles, and a superhero costume consisting solely of jeans, Wolverine rarely loses.  Add that to his terrible temper (probably from having to recover from explosions and bullets every few days) and you get phenomenally awesome moments like this:

Unfortunately, while henchmen with Gatling guns don’t stand a chance against our hero, he can still be distracted.  Like how his wolf-girlfriend gets captured when he’s busy stabbing mercenaries.

Now, the situation’s far from hopeless.  We know from comics that any dilemma can be solved through the easiest trick in the superhero arsenal: the team-up.  After all, Wolverine’s a card-carrying Avengers.  Get Ms. Marvel, Iron Man, or Dr. Strange to back him up — any of them could easily rescue the animal-lady and enjoy a light brunch within the same day.  Unfortunately, Wolverine’s choices aren’t as luxurious.  Not at all.

To be continued indeed.  On Friday, Wolverine and Sabretooth save the day.  Or not.  Definitely one of those two.

Hank Pym loves Tigra

Let’s get this right out of the way.  In 1980, superhero Hank Pym instantly became the most despised Marvel character when this one panel forever destroyed his reputation:

And still today, many fans (some of whom weren’t even alive when that happened) haven’t forgiven him for backhanding his wife.  I’m not saying that a superhero’s domestic abuse crosses the line when supervillains’ serial murdering gets waved off as character development.  Pym definitely deserved a good decade or so of indignant hatred, but the unforgivable aspect from fans may be a bit overblown.

I mean at that time, his wife Janet fought crime as the superhero Wasp, who regularly got sliced up, lit on fire, smashed to pieces, and more every other day as an Avenger — at that stage in her career, she probably woke herself up in the morning with a backhand to the face.  Plus, as a Marvel comic supergenius, obligation dictates that Pym must carry a horrific character flaw.  Iron Man’s a severe, passionate narcissist.  Mister Fantastic loves science more than his wife.  Black Panther annulled his own marriage to Storm without telling her first.  And Dr. Doom, well, that guy’s a tyrannical dictator on his nicest days.  Etc.  Heightened intelligence comes with a catch.

Recently, during the Marvel event Secret Invasion, the shapeshifting Skrulls invaded Earth.   Janet sacrificed her life to save all her friends.  Also, a Skrull posed as Pym and knocked up the superhero Tigra.  Bad times for everyone.  We pick up after that.

Today, I’m using some scenes from the following issues:
Avengers Academy #2, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Mike McKone
Avengers Academy #6, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Mike McKone
Avengers Academy #7, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Mike McKone
Avengers Academy #12, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Tom Raney
Avengers Academy #13, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Sean Chen
Avengers Academy #14, written by Christos Gage and  drawn by Sean Chen
Avengers Academy #20, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Tom Raney
Avengers Academy #26, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Tom Grummett
Avengers Academy #12, written by Christos Gage and drawn by Karl Moline

Pym (now Giant Man) becomes the head instructor at Avengers Academy, where he can try to make a difference as a long-time Avenger and blah blah blah.  Also, his dating life sucks.

Oh yeah, Tigra teaches too.  Before inspiring teenage superheroes, some super leftover sore spots need mending first.

Now, this whole paternity thing tends to be confusing when aliens and ancient cat people get involved. Yes, Tigra loved Giant Man in the past, but that was a Skrull and not the actual Giant Man.  The impostor impregnated Tigra, but since Skrull shapeshifting takes place at a genetic level — the child has Pym’s DNA.  Which means Giant Man’s the dad, but not the father.

While neither Tigra nor Pym have the emotional capacity or stability to successful maintain parenthood, much less a relationship, the two will just do the best they can, gosh dang it.  Before a blast of Pym self-pity, I want you to keep these next few pages in your memory.  The dude’s an original Avenger for a reason:

Plus, he commands a young army of superpowered recruits:

Unfortunately, every badass moment drowns in Pym’s sea of self-hatred and overwhelming regret. Personally, I like the re-characterization of Pym as a powerful superhero struggling with powerless issues.  Just understand that he wears his tear-stained heart on his sleeve.  Luckily for our protagonist, every gallant move Pym makes to train these kids receives notice by his furry co-teacher.

One major benefit of this hook-up: both characters finally chow down on a slice of happiness pie that has been sorely lacking from both their lives the past year or so.  Even now, Giant Man continues to mourn his ex-wife and Tigra remains psychologically ruined from the Hood’s brutal torture.  If Daredevil swung through the window to join them in their moment of passion, Marvel’s sadness triumvirate could be healed all at once.

For all the fight scenes and teenage drama in Avengers Academy, you’ll have to buy the series.  But I plead to my fellow comic book readers: you can still hate Pym, but please forgive him.  This man has been on an apology-palooza tour for three decades straight.

The best I can do is show you Pym’s genuine maturity and growth.  As the series hits its unfortunate conclusion, his confidence and leadership soar — something embarrassingly and frustratingly lacking from the former superhero before then.

Awesome, right?  That’s Captain America-level inspiration going on.  Plus, once he starts to forgive himself, his relationship with Tigra can progress to its appropriate and mushy place.

No more, I’m afraid.  Until these two pop up again as regulars in a new series, I’ll accept this as a well-deserved happy ending.