The art of seduction with Hercules
Posted: 06/22/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 2 CommentsThor’s a cool idea for a superhero, right? The viking god of thunder from a relatively unknown religion who wields a magical hammer. I totally approve. But with the success of Nordic culture, why not implement other gods? Well, by far the best of them is the mighty, majestic Hercules:
Yeah, not your English teacher’s Hercules.
Enjoy a womanizing, arrogant, hedonistic Hercules ripped straight from the peaks of Mt. Olympus. He’s been around for three thousand years, has durability and strength that rivals Thor, and despite being the definition of an oaf, has amassed one of the most impressive collection of superhero lovers in the Marvel universe. So let’s take a look at his conquests from one of my favorite series, The Incredible Hercules written by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente.
Namora, the Sub-Mariner’s Cousin
Oh, that’s Hercules’ teenage sidekick, Amadeus Cho. He’s also the 7th smartest person in the world. But Cho’s not really the focus of this article. Let’s jump ahead to the sexy god stuff.
Because we’re not reading Catwoman, you’re not going to see any sexual proof and you’re just going to have to use context clues to figure it out. Cover your kids’ ears. Spoiler alert: They did it. Here’s the post-coital hot tub cuddling:
But comics are comics and that means that if there isn’t an explosion or alien attack every few pages, the comic’s never going to sell. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. So Hercules and Namora get attacked with a missile.
Unfortunately, there love can never be. You see, Namora loves another man. He also smells like salt water and fish. Yes, it’s incestuous. During the battle with the Amazons, Hercules and Namora scramble to grab an urn that reveals their deepest wishes. Yeah, it happens.
Do you know who that handsome pointy-eared man is? It’s Namor, the king of Atlantis, Namora’s cousin, and one time lover of a giant sea worm. What sound does the heart of a god make when it breaks? Though to be fair, it’s mostly Hercules’ fault.
By the way, have you ever heard of the Canadian superhero team?
Snowbird, Member of Alpha Flight
Turns out Canada has their own group of Avengers, called Alpha Flight. They fight snowstorms and irradiated caribou or whatever. I don’t really follow them. But one of their members, Snowbird, once hooked up with our hero.
She’s not drunk or anything, that’s just how people in comic books cry. This is halfway through this particular arc and things haven’t gone well. The poor girl needs a broad, hairy shoulder to cry on.
See? Hercules’ may consist entirely of a sash, but he’s not so stupid not to consider the feelings of his suitor. Also, the dog in a wheelchair watching is a secret alien hiding in the body of Cho’s beloved pet. But you probably guessed that.
Mission complete. Snowbird feels better, Hercules gets another notch on his bedpost, and the pervert dog alien rolls away unseen. Let’s move on. Or back a few thousand years.
Hippolyta, Amazonian Royalty
Hercules tends to be immortal, being a god and all. Want to hear a story from the good ol’ days?
If this seems like a sad ending, wipe away your tears. Sure, Hera isn’t remotely kind to Zeus’ bastard child, but Hippolyta reveals herself as super evil and almost destroys the world. And Hercules can do better than crazy supervillains. Though, it doesn’t stop him from trying.
Alflyse, Queen of the Dark Elves
Hercules and his father Zeus (resurrected as a child), travel to Asgard for their next mission. To defeat and conquer the evil queen, Hercules has to exploit his least refined skill: espionage. Y’know, by dressing up as Thor and laying the smackdown. Except for one small problem:
He may have the strength of a hundred men, but he has the willpower of none.
Thor and Hercules have quite a bit in common, even excluding the whole immortal powerful god thing. No one enjoys brawling more than those two. Maybe Wolverine. Both of their fathers have created trouble in their lives. Hercules and Thor both have a reputation of bedroom prowess. Though, the god of thunder wouldn’t make this mistake:
Oops. How do you solve a problem like this? Did you guess the real Thor dressed as Hercules battles the real Hercules dressed as Thor? I hope so. No bad blood spilled between drinking buddies. Also you know how when you’re really good at something, you can use that skill to get out of unfavorable resolutions?
Let that be a lesson. Write that down in your notebook.
Hebe, the Goddess of Youth
Since it’s the 21st century, very few gods are running around in spandex slaying dragons. Most own corporations and control their own businesses. Olympians are nothing if not entrepreneurs. Hebe runs the receptionist desk at the Olympus Group. Oh, and she’s Hercules’ wife from three thousand years ago.
Hercules has many heroic traits, but monogamy isn’t one of them. That and Hercules and Hebe never got divorced. Still, he’s a man with emotions. Like jealousy.
I don’t deny that many times Spider-Man deserves to be punched across a restaurant. That guy has a mouth on him. Though he probably didn’t deserve that one. And the resulting Hercules/Spider-Man fight goes about as well as the above panels.
Regardless, the hairy, angry god may be an oaf, but he’s a super lovable oaf. Despite Hercules’ numerous infidelities, thousands of years of no contact, and smashing the nice boy Hebe was just talking to, can he talk his way back into her heart?
Sparks reignited! Lovers reunited! Their romance reigns eternal! Though they break up a few issues later. And Hercules is killed. But other than that, all the previous sentences apply.
At his funeral, the proper respects are paid. The man’s legend will live on.
Luckily the mourning period is short. Hercules had a brief series called Herc last year where fought the Hobgoblin and other cool supervillains. I know he’s not as popular as some of the others, but everything he’s in is totally worth a read. You need more proof? You’re very hard to please.
You’re welcome.
The delightful Fantastic Four
Posted: 06/21/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been significantly violent. Let’s do something lighter.
You must know of the superhero family the Fantastic Four. Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic), the smartest person in the Marvel universe with a body made of rubber. Sue Richards (Invisible Woman), Reed’s wife who turns invisible and manipulates force fields. Johnny Storm (Human Torch), Sue’s brother and living fire/playboy. Ben Grimm (Thing), the lovable rock monster with a thick New York accent. They outted themselves to the public long ago, happily living in the super lab/skyscraper Baxter Building. Also, Reed and Sue’s kids aren’t slouches either. Valeria has the same brain smarts as her father and Franklin can alter reality. Fancy stuff. Now you’re caught up.
Shall we check in on the Fantastic Four?
Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman
Being the smartest person in the world gives you far less free time than you think. He has to juggle all the responsibilities of creating new technology and saving the world alongside spending quality time with his wife and children. Reed’s not terribly good at balancing that. So despite Sue not being the smartest person in the world, she has a genius idea of her own:
Who’s Namor you ask? He’s the shirtless king of Atlantis and member of the X-Men. Also, this royal has had a major crush on the Inivsible Woman for decades and doesn’t really worry about stuff like husbands or boyfriends. Fortunately, Reed’s not above jealousy.
Don’t think Sue’s being unfair. Entire Fantastic Four stories have been devoted to how badly Reed ignores his responsibilities as a family man. But let’s be realistic here. You don’t get to be a super genius by being dumb. And Mr. Fantastic has a super genius solution.
See? Marital bliss!
Despite Reed’s hair, his youthful flirting and adventurous spirit never went prematurely gray. Now back to business, the microuniverse isn’t going to save itself.
The Thing
Can’t argue that’s an awful superhero name. But he’s one of the most complex and well-liked characters in the Marvel universe. Stuck as an orange rock creature, he struggles constantly between his desire for a normal life and having the power to protect his friends and family. Plus, his “It’s clobberin’ time!” catch phrase has warmed the hearts of preteens everywhere for over forty years. Oh, and did you know he’s Jewish?
Jewish superheroes certainly exist, but you don’t see a lot of faith in the comic world. The X-Man Kitty Pryde has worn a Star of David around her neck on several occasions. Magneto may not be religious, but his Judaism got him sent to a concentration camp during World War II. The X-Man Iceman is half Jewish, and no, I’m not sure which parent. But to see half an issue devoted to a religious ceremony that doesn’t end with ninjas jumping through the roof or a crazy guy in robes performing a Satanic blood ritual, that’s almost unheard of.
Though Judaism is nothing without rules, so what qualifies the Thing to have a bar mitzvah?
My favorite part of the above picture is the tiny reading glasses. Getting soaked in cosmic rays probably fixes any cataract problems. Yet bar mitzvahs take months and months of memorization, practicing, and not spending every other afternoon brawling with Galactus. Luckily, I guess it was a light half a year of invading world devourers, because all his family and buddies arrived for the big day.
Do superheroes have formal costumes? I’m glad Wolverine showed up for the Thing’s ceremony, nevertheless, I don’t think bare arms are appropriate for synagogue.
Still, you know the best part of becoming a man? Doing man things:
Sure he’s fictional, but let it be known that even street-talking rock creatures can get attractive non-rock girlfriends. All it takes is a sweet personality and the ability to lift small buildings.
However, we can’t forget the final member of the team. Let’s check in with Johnny Storm.
The Human Torch
Never mind.
Punisher (with blood!)
Posted: 06/20/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentI know why you read superhero comics. The violence, right? I don’t blame you. No one would read Spider-Man if he didn’t whack a bad guy once in a while. But the quality of the bad guy getting smacked is just as important as the hero doing the smacking. Unfortunately, that tends to be a problem with the Punisher.
Oh, his villains are horrible, terrible people who deserve everything they have coming to them. But because of the Punisher’s methods (bullets), his villains tend not to last more than an issue or two. Well, I’d like to think I have the exception. In 2004, the super genius Garth Ennis started writing Punisher Max, a comic aimed towards adults. There’s lots of violence, bad words, nudity, and not single superhero or supervillain. We see 60 year old Frank Castle gunning down the scummiest of mobsters, corrupt generals, slavers, and even white collar dudes. And it’s one of the best series I’ve ever read.
Arguably in Ennis’ Punisher Max world, only one man has been tough enough to be called the Punisher’s nemesis. Introducing Barracuda:
A giant mercenary, he fought Castle intermittently through two arcs and 300 pages. I’m going to present all their fights, almost completely without context. You want brutality in comics? Your wish is granted. Heads up, if drawings make you squeamish, you should probably go see a doctor.
Round One
So Barracuda clonks Castle on the head and stuffs him in a trunk, taking him to a rural shed to finish him off quietly. Doesn’t go as planned.
The fight strolls along for a few more pages until they crash through the shack.
Oops, maybe Barracuda should have “axed” him for a break. I’m sorry, that was disgusting. Anyway, watch for the barbed wire strangulation coming up next. Who says there’s no creativity left in comics?
The first fight goes to Barracuda. The Punisher got a few good hits in though, right? Castle escapes, but you can read that for yourself. Oh, did you see that drug dealer hostage tied up in the background during the fight in the shed? Want to know what happens to him?
That’s just the Punisher taking a “bite” out of crime. I apologize, I won’t do this anymore. With all loose ends tied up, let’s move on to the second fight.
Intermission
Did you know the Punisher has friends? Well, not really friends but people who owe him favors? Unfortunately, appearing in a Punisher Max issue cuts down life expectancy tremendously.
Could you hear that haunting prediction over how loud Barracuda’s shirt is? Remember it for twenty pictures down the road.
Round Two
They begin their fight in another abandoned building, but this one is in the city.
Yes, Barracuda kidnapped a baby. Not for some sick fetish stuff or anything, but because what better way to get under the Punisher’s skin than stealing an infant? Speaking of getting under one’s skin:
One of the best reasons to read Punisher Max, besides the characterization and guns, is how wonderfully grim and noir the Punisher’s narration remains during the whole series. I know it doesn’t make sense in my select panels, but I’m just trying for an unsubtle attempt to get you to read it.
And the second fight also goes to Barracuda. Sorry. They start anew an issue or two later.
Round Three
About time the Punisher used those guns of his. They seem to be far more effective than getting within swatting range of his humongous opponent.
We get a quick, efficient fight where Castle stomps aggressively on Barracuda. The Punisher’s not a nice guy. Also this:
Look, amid bloody limbs, shark attacks, and savage beatings, I’m attempting to make this family friendly. So I blurred out the bad word. You can figure out what it’s supposed to be, you’re a smart fellow. Also, please don’t let your family read Punisher Max.
But in good news, Castle finally gets a win! Unfortunately, Barracuda is the only one who knows where the baby’s located, so that’s why he’s in an uncomfortable position. Don’t worry, because the Punisher’s going to make the guy talk. Except for one little problem.
Round Four
Dude’s a beast, you can’t argue with that. We’ve experienced a bunch of hand-to-hand in the past few rounds, but now we totally get to watch a full-on firefight. Not a bad way to change things up a bit.
Action movies always end with the hero walking away from the explosion while holding a young child. Game over.
Round Five
Guess not.
I’m not saying that the previous pictures have been G Rated, but for the next few, please cover up the eyes of all small children or pets currently sitting on your lap
Barracuda’s lucky that mercenary work pays well, because it’s going to take a small fortune in plastic surgery. The Punisher bolts as Barracuda limps towards him. We’re inching towards our finale.
Can you feel the tension? This is it, my friends! Every single word bubble and nose crunching has led to this exact moment. Who will prevail? Will it spoil it for you that this is only the ninth of ten Punisher Max arcs written by Ennis?
A poor immigrant struggles for years to earn enough money for a rickety boat ride to America. He has only a limited grasp of English and minimal skills, but he’s a hard worker who just wants to support his family. Finally, after months of rejection and poverty, an administrator takes pity on him and hires him to be a janitor at the local elementary school. The job can barely pay the bills. Many nights his children don’t get enough to eat, but he’s just happy he can earn a living and his wife is proud of him. His Sunday comes to a close, and the janitor arrives at the school the next morning just as the sun rises to prepare for the upcoming week. It won’t be hard, after all, how messy can a school possibly get over the weekend?
Time for a snow day.
But yay for the Punisher! One more bad guy off the street and not a scratch on the infant. If Castle had the ability to smile anymore, he’d be at least half scowl right now. Have a good day. Don’t commit felonies.
Captain America punches faces, Pt. 2
Posted: 06/19/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 6 CommentsIt’s Captain America day! That guy’s the best.
I went a little into Captain America’s history (real name Steve Rogers) in a previous post, so I’ll get you caught up to the point where our story begins. As you may know, Captain America was killed by a sniper bullet as the Marvel Civil War wrapped up. Very sad. His former WWII sidekick, former Russian brainwashed assassin, and former rogue super spy Bucky Barnes took over the title and costume. Because comics are comics, Rogers came back to life a few years later, and two Captain Americas aren’t really necessary. Bucky gets to keep the role and the shield while Rogers becomes the head of the government agency S.H.I.E.L.D. – basically the new Nick Fury.
For years, the Captain America comics, written beautifully by Ed Brubaker, aimed more towards cool espionage missions. Captain America isn’t backhanding dinosaurs. More of James Bond if he fought terrorists. And the miniseries Steve Rogers: Super Soldier, also written by Brubaker, is no different.
Okay, maybe more James Bond than previously thought. But what kind of comic would it be if plans didn’t go badly?
Yes, they’re giant brutes of men. But Rogers also ranks a zero on the wussy scale. He can run a mile in a minute, bench press half a ton, fought in every major battle of WWII, and is regarded as the best hand-to-hand fighter on the planet. Can the super soldier take on three ex-pro wrestlers? Yes, of course he can. He’s Captain America.
That super soldier serum, the only one of its kind in the world, flows through Rogers’ blood. He’s the absolute peak of human potential. Captain America has taken down Spider-Man in ten seconds and once defeated Iron Man with his bare fists. The guy’s a super soldier, not one or the other. Both are equally important.
But so what? Sure, it’s pretty cool to watch Rogers take down three dudes, but what’s the point of this article? The twist, my friends. Guess who get caught in a trap?
Woopsie. Remember when Captain America was a 90 pound weakling with illnesses too severe to join the army? That’s back! How’s he going to get out of this jam?
Which brings me to why I’m writing this article. Yeah, he may not be super, but he’s always going to be a soldier. And the fire in his gut that got the attention of the super soldier serum scientists in the first place? That never went away. The baddies can take away 150 pounds of muscle, but unfortunately for them, he’s still Captain America.
Compare this next fight with the brawl you witnessed in the beginning. Notice any difference? The only one I can find is that in the second fight, Rogers isn’t wearing a shirt.
Y’see, Captain America’s origin story isn’t tragic like so many other superheroes. He sees Hitler start to conquer Europe, sees the atrocities and horrors the Nazis are inflicting, and decides to enlist to stop them. Rogers knows right and he knows wrong, and his entire belief system follows the singular idea that wrong needs a stern thumping. The character of Captain America had originally been created as a propaganda tool, but the evolution of the character since then has expanded tremendously. I say this every single time: Captain America is the heroic and moral line that all other superheroes judge themselves against. Always has been and always will be.
Most importantly, what does Captain America do to the bad guys when he gets his super soldier serum back?
He beats the crap out of them.
Batman and Catwoman fight crime, fall in love
Posted: 06/18/2012 Filed under: DC, Relationships 14 CommentsGotham City’s a busy place. Batman has little room in his schedule for stuff like a social life or happiness. Though despite his neverending, soul crushing war on crime, he gets lonely, and not just for the platonic company of flexible teenage boys. But who’s he supposed to date? He would have to constantly lie, cancel dates, and always worry about her safety. Well, what about a woman who can fit perfectly into his night time hobby? A woman who can protect herself?
Catwoman? Why, she’s purr-fect! Yes, I accept PayPal.
We should talk about her for a quick paragraph. Catwoman, real name Selina Kyle, had her origin reshaped by Frank Miller (he wrote Sin City and 300) as a prostitute with a heart of gold. She sees Batman beat up some bad guys and realizes she should learn to fight to protect the other hussies. And it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to crack a safe. Fast forward to today. She’s a master thief, skilled martial artist and has her own assortment of cat gadgets somehow hidden on that skintight costume.
Our adventure takes place in Batman: Hush, written by Jeph Loeb. Catwoman and Batman have been flirting forever, the only thing keeping them apart being Bruce Wayne’s difficult personality and Kyle’s ambiguous moral compass. Not anymore. Has Batman finally punched through the cautious and untrusting walls of his heart?
What melodrama you think! Bruce Wayne’s a player! He’s dated every socialite in Gotham – and before they get blown up or kidnapped! Yeah, Wayne has, but this isn’t Wayne we’re talking about. It’s Batman.
An argument frequently brought up by comic book fans remains which identity is the real one? Does Bruce Wayne hide his identity as Batman or does Batman pretend to be Bruce Wayne? I’m more in the latter camp. He dates models for that fake playboy image, but with Catwoman? He means it. Finally.
While Batman may not be the greatest boyfriend, don’t forget that Catwoman has some emotional hang ups of her own.
Look, Batman’s not a delicate flower or anything, but he did just expose his vulnerability by expressing affection for another human being. And Batman never does that. Though Kyle is a strong, independent woman who’s not going to be bossed around by a man in a giant bat costume. And to be fair, she’s right. Have you detected an upcoming theme?
We skip to Metropolis, where the two have arrived to capture Poison Ivy.
Wouldn’t make a good story without an impossible obstacle for our hero to overcome. C’mon, Poison Ivy has cool plant powers, but how tough can she possibly be? Besides actual proof that Catwoman cares for Batman, what reason would actually make Kyle worry? Nonchalant’s her middle name.
Oh, that reason. Batman versus the Poison Ivy-possessed Superman is one of the best fights between the two I’ve ever read. You have to read the book to find out though.
If you’ve read a lot of Batman comics, you may know that Catwoman isn’t the only woman capable of fighting alongside Batman. So why her? Why not Zatanna or Talia al Ghul? Because:
When you find that special lady who hates crime as much as you do, hold onto her.
Unfortunately, for as fast and nimble as Kyle is, she didn’t spend a decade traveling around Europe training under the finest martial artists and ninjas in the world. Y’know, like Batman did. Hush is 12 issues long, so I’m skipping a bunch of context and plot, but after Harley Quinn and Joker attack the opera, Catwoman gets injured.
Yes, she’s not some kid. Because he’s not attracted to kids, unlike what some political organizations want you to think. More importantly, her catty (sorry) behavior has a simple explanation: for this relationship to work, she has to be treated as an equal. Not just as a girlfriend, but as a superhero. I promise you Batman isn’t cradling a bleeding Green Lantern in his arms. She’s spent her entire life proving she doesn’t need anyone’s help and being seen as the damsel in distress hits a nerve.
Well, Batman needs his eyes to beat up bad guys, so he leaves to pursue the Joker. And in Batman’s fragile mental state, maybe it’s time to finally settle this Joker matter.
Y’see, Catwoman knows the slippery slope. Speaking of which, want to know why you shouldn’t date someone who punches for a living?
I’m just saying your boyfriend wouldn’t smack you in your open wound. You know how many diamonds it’s going to take for Kyle to get over this? Wayne’s lucky he’s a billionaire. But besides using his ninja arts on his old lady, he really does care about her. I promise.
And how does he prove that? How could Wayne show Catwoman that he sees her as an equal? That he loves her? You know who dates a lot? Nightwing. What’s his advice?
Oh yeah, forgot to mention that while Batman knows Kyle’s name, address, social security number and whatever else, Catwoman hasn’t the faintest idea of Batman’s identity. Now I’m no Dear Abby, but maybe the first step in a successful relationship is both people knowing each other’s names. Get ready for a pillar of panels.
So what happens now? Crimefighter babies? At least a tour of the bat cave.
Yup, happy ending. The two solve mysteries, patrol the city, make love while dodging bat guano. Family portraits, family Christmas cards, family waterpark trips. No, of course not.
Batman holds the title of world’s greatest detective. That comes with a flash flood of distrust. The first Robin left Batman because Batman didn’t trust him, and that’s after nearly a decade of the two being around each other almost 24/7. Wayne has some issues he needs to work through.
But he showed her his secret identity! He let her into his life! He hit her bloody shoulder! Look, Batman and Catwoman have known and flirted with each other for roughly fifteen comic book years at this point. Wayne’s close to middle aged and Kyle pushed past 30 a long time ago. And then finally he reveals his identity. Then he lets her into the underground cave. Then he’s actually sorry he beat her up. Catwoman’s not stupid. She tried, but if it took that long for Batman to let his guard down, it’ll take another decade and a half for him to be ready for an open and honest relationship. She’s far from a perfect girlfriend, but the unfortunate truth is that Batman’s way worse.
Luckily, this story does end with something that is rarely seen in Batman comics. Something that shows Batman has grown as a person and a superhero.
Yup, optimism. Pretty sweet, huh?
Hulk-ing around
Posted: 06/17/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsThe article title is misleading. No Hulk talk here, instead we’re going to follow around his alter-ego Bruce Banner.
With the Hulk becoming intelligent in the past few years, what’s the point of Banner except as a crutch? Sure, Banner may be just a spindly scientist, but it’s important to remember that he’s also a genius. And I mean genius. As in officially the fourth smartest person in the world. Like Reed Richards and Tony Stark smart.
After World War Hulk, Bammer runs around with his hippie Hulk son that he fathered on the gladiator planet. Because the Red Hulk absorbs all of normal Hulk’s radiation, Banner can’t turn into the Hulk. Yeah, comics. Norman Osborn, in charge of a SHIELD-esque organization, wants to kill Banner. Who needs the Hulk anymore? Cue Dark Reign – The List: Hulk, written by Greg Pak.
Meet Victoria Hand. Despite her unprofessional haircut, she’s Osborn’s right hand man. Who compromised the state of the art security systems? Yessir, Banner has a big ol’ brain.
Ever hear of Bannertech? Of course you haven’t. He’s too busy running from the military in tiny ghost towns to properly market and sell his self-made technology. Also, look again. He’s doing everything from an iPod.
Introducing baby Hulk. His name’s Skaar and like most Hulks, he’s unpleasant, violent, and frequently pissed off. With Banner’s technology and Skaar’s giant sword, victory goes to the good guys. Yay.
But this is the intro to our story. You want to see the nerdiest scientist ever created kick some butt? Of course you do. Unfortunately, we’re going to need some backstory to fully appreciate all the webs spun behind the scenes.
If you’ve read World War Hulk, you know that Skaar didn’t come to the planet Earth at the same time as his father and his army. He arrived later, angry (surprise) and aiming to kill the Hulk. It’s not really important why. But as you saw, Hulk isn’t around. Sadly for revenge’s sake, Banner’s running around devoid of his inner green rage monster. Look, comics are based around the status quo. Everything always goes back to the way it was. Sure, it may take years, but because comic books are a business, Banner’s going to obviously become the Hulk again. Skaar, unable to break the fourth wall but realizes it anyway, figures if he just tags along with Banner on his adventures, puny dad’s going to have to turn back into the green dad sooner or later. Then he can enact his revenge/happy ending.
Anyway, round two of Banner vs. Osborn’s lackey.
Probably not a good idea to take a plane. Y’know, because Banner already proved he can overrride machines and whatnot.
Told you. Though I have no idea what virus can dismantle the glue holding the plane together. I don’t know how planes are built.
I know the problem of comic book technology is the same as comic book magic. It can do literally anything the writer wants it to do. But who cares? Makes it more fun. Oh, so Ms. Hand has a few tricks of her own. And by tricks I mean missiles.
In this technological chess game, Banner has totally field goal’d her bishops with his Zune. I don’t know chess. Though c’mon, Ms. Hand has a red streak in her hair – she’s spontaneous and dangerous!
By the way, the crazy time slowing bubble tech? Never seen again. Which is too bad, because that is some crazy overpowered weapon. Even with Banner putting gun jamming nanoparticulates in the area, how can he possibly get out of this situation? Well, Banner is a tech genius, and what’s the coolest technology of them all?
You’re absolutely right: more missiles. Sure, Mark Ruffalo drove a motorcycle, but can he make stuff explode with his mp3 player?
What happened to Skaar? He was fighting that spandex lady. It’s not a long fight, you can read the issue. Eventually the Hulk family gets away and they debrief the way only a Hulk family could.
The two hug and make s’mores. The end.
Ultimate Magneto’s wild ride
Posted: 06/16/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsYou know about Magneto. Master of magnetism. Arch-nemesis of the X-Men. Versatile supervillain. Let’s talk about him today.
You know the shpiel. Magneto, seeing the mutant race hated and discriminated against, plans to overthrow the humans and rule or destroy or manipulate them for his own goal of mutant superiority. Simply, Magneto believes the mutants to be superior beings, while Professor X and the X-Men just want the mutants treated as equals. But like I said a few articles back, while most characters get their origin stories updated so they stay roughly the same age, Magneto doesn’t get such a luxury. His origin story and beliefs are tied directly with his experiences as a child in the Holocaust. Except that the Holocaust was in the early 1940s and the Marvel universe takes place in present day. And how scary exactly is an 85 year-old Magneto?
Luckily, because comics are comics, Alpha the Ultimate Mutant turned Magneto into a baby as revenge in 1974. An alien agent later aged him to the “prime” of his life. Couple that with the always ten to fifteen years rule that the Marvel universe has been around, Magneto is now probably in his late 40s or early 50s. So that’s why modern Magneto’s posture and muscle tone are so fantastic.
But enough speculation. We’re going to talk about the Magneto from the Ultimate Marvel line that ran through the 2000s. This Magneto, while still just as arrogant and evil, is far darker and crazier. Let’s examine three important components of Magneto’s arcs in Ultimate X-Men.
His beliefs
He’s not a terribly complex villain. Every action he takes is based around this idea:
Now certainly killing seven billion people may be a bit extreme, but don’t forget that in the Ultimate universe, mutants are not treated especially well. And by well I mean mutants are a roach infestation that needs to be removed with lots of bug spray and some boot stomping.
Because you’re a rational person, you understand that the “us vs. them” mentality is rarely if ever that cut-and-dry. But that’s also why you’d make a terrible supervillain. With the exception of maybe Dr. Doom, the key characteristic of every major Marvel supervillain is that all their schemes and desires are coated in a thin layer of mental instability. And Magneto is no different. Even when he’s in that delightful plastic prison you know from the X-Men movies.
I know there’s a girl there with him. Don’t worry about that. Long story.
So let’s pretend you’re Magneto. You’ve made an insane point. You’ve gone into a long soliloquy about why your way is right and if this young girl wants to join your cause, she’ll not only be rewarded, she’ll be fighting for the safety of her people. You’re staring each other in the eyes as she contemplates the offer just presented. She’s young, but even she must understand the threat approaching mutantkind in these tumultuous days. She gives you her answer. What do you do?
Did you say hit the teenager with a chair? No? See, this is why you’d be a terrible supervillain.
Okay, you’ve realized he’s delusional and egotistical, but to be fair, so would you if you had his mutant powers.
His power
What does magnetic manipulation actually mean? It’s fairly vague, but by changing the magnetic fields that are always around us, Magneto can fly, bind superheroes, control metal, etc. Essentially, that means don’t bring anything around him of sentimental value:
Because he can do this:
Oops, no more plane. The problem with such power as that is it’ll go to your head. If you can jump ten feet, you can use it to pick chicks up at the bar, but you’re not going to trash talk other dudes who can make lightning storms or shoot eyeball beams. But magnetism is different. Cue the boasting:
As sweet as Kanye West’s beats are, he can’t shift the earth’s poles and flood the planet. This is an ego well-deserved. Except for one problem. He gets his butt kicked. Like a lot. As in every time he tries to do something. Sure, he’ll start with the advantage, but that’s because superheroes are reactive and not preventative.
In the Ultimate Marvel universe, no villain has accomplished as much as Magneto in terms of amount of destruction. He’s wiped out cities and set off nuclear reactors. Yet send a group of six children and their paraplegic teacher after him and he folds like tissue paper.
His beatings
Hate Magneto yet? You should. Sure, he’s fictional, but he would hate you. Can’t turn your body into ice or command telekinesis? Magneto thinks you’re better off dead. Yeah, what a jerk. Luckily, the X-Men will protect you the best way they know how. Painfully.
And the peace-loving, human-loving Professor X? Sure, he’s not an advocate of violence. Yes, he doesn’t want to endanger the lives of his students. I know, he’s the moral compass that all the X-Men are expected to follow.
But most importantly, don’t screw with the professor.
Maybe there’s a reason the people fear mutants so much.
Late night superhero poker
Posted: 06/14/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsTo finish off the second week of the new format, let’s read something fun.
What do superheroes do when they’re not superhero-ing? They have to have hobbies, right? I mean, not Hawkeye because he’s on like eight teams, but the others must have some downtime. Well, they aren’t knitting.
Late night poker games! Forever hosted by the least cuddly of all superheroes, the Thing.
You know the Thing. He’s part of the Fantastic Four and a big orange rock monster. But more of him in a later article. We’re going to follow along with one special game, and it’s absolutely delightful.
Yup, the patrols have all wrapped up, the criminals are all locked up, and it’s time to kick back with your superbuddies. In Spectacular Spider-Man #21, written by Paul Jenkins, we enjoy a fight where the only thing that bruising and blood spilling would hurt are good vibes and good times.
Let’s get caught up on the rest of our players:
But you can’t sell an issue entirely on a card game where superheroes spend all 20 pages busting each other’s balls. No, good sales require tension, excitement, and a little suspense. Don’t you worry your little heads. Just because not a single punch is thrown in this issue, it has all the excitement any normal Spider-Man adventure would have.
Because he shows up:
I know the Kingpin has been a prominent player in my articles recently, but this isn’t the cruel and manipulative Kingpin that haunts the nightmares of law abiding citizens. Nope, this is just a man of questionably moral character attempting to defeat the good guys in a competition where he finally has the upper hand.
See? Stakes are high. Even with the addition of the top mobster in New York City, the happy mood mellows on. Besides, superheroes are used to being in high pressure situations.
All the exciting poker action you see live on TV! Put forty pounds and sunglasses on the superheroes and you’d be unable to tell the difference.
By the way, isn’t it nice to see superheroes use their powers for stuff other than pounding evil? Spider-Man practically cheats with his spider-sense anyway. Plus, it’s like a sneak peek at the conversations we would have if we wore costumes, fought crime, and had magical adventures. You know why superheroes always hang out with one another? Because after a day of stopping an alien invasion and taking out a squad of robbers dressed like zoo animals, who could talk about “normal” stuff? Oh, the salad you had for lunch was a little dry, I’m sorry, I’m just a little tired today after toppling an empire in the microuniverse.
Finally, the table is down to the final two. Our selfless hero Spider-Man versus a somewhat good natured Kingpin. Ready for the final showdown? Are you sitting down for the last hand of the game? You probably are, because you’re reading this on your computer.
Let’s not delay anymore. You don’t need my commentary to watch this brutal battle unfold and see who ultimately claims victory.
Yay for the good guys! Though to be fair, the Kingpin will probably just claim the money as a tax write-off anyway. Charity and all. Because despite the obvious outcome, bad guys have to lose. Whether it’s fistfights, races, or card games, being a villain means you’re not going to win. That’s why we read superhero comics in the first place. Good triumphing over evil and all that jazz.
Now go finish that report. But remember, even Spider-Man takes time out after work to meet up with his friends. Or Netflix. I’m not really sure what he does. Most of his issues are him dodging punches.
Daredevil and Spider-Man get pissed off
Posted: 06/13/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsThe past few articles have been silly and fun. Let’s do something heartbreaking this time.
I’ve mentioned many times on this blog that horribly tragic events occur far too often in the lives of superheroes. Not to mention that bad guy beating is a high stress possession. Plus, you know the cruelty of supervillains. Eventually, and it’s always an eventuality, a superhero will break. You’ve read the title of the article, so you know who I’m going to talk about.
Daredevil
We’ll start with Daredevil (real name Matt Murdock). He’s not as well-known as some of the others and his movie sucked. When he was young, he rushes to save a blind man from an oncoming truck, causing the truck’s radioactive cargo to blind Murdock. His father, a famous boxer, was killed by the mafia for not throwing a fight shortly after. Daredevil has extensive martial arts training , his remaining four senses are greatly heightened, and this cool radar sense like bats do to detect stuff around him. Also, no other superhero in the Marvel world has suffered as much as him.
This is how most Daredevil stories end:
He’s had two lovers killed, his secret identity exposed, his law career ruined, his house blown up, his soul possessed, more nervous breakdowns than I can mention, and that’s just in recent years. The newest issues of Daredevil attract readers by promising that he’ll actually win once in a while. So Murdock tends to be a bit angrier and more frustrated than most superheroes. But at least you know he has good reason.
We jump to Daredevil #49 and #50, written by the genius Brian Michael Bendis. Murdock has just gotten married to a wonderful blind woman. Sure, he’s attacked daily. His livelihood and reputation are a wreck. But for the first time in a very long time, his life has at least one bright light in the mind-numbingly painful fog.
Until Bullseye shows up one night at Daredevil’s apartment just as Daredevil left for patrol. The same Bullseye who killed his first wife and a later girlfriend.
Daredevil has had a bad decade. His only goal is to make his neighborhood safe. And he’s suffered for every single good deed he’s done. Murdock’s piled on so much crap that he hasn’t hung himself is a victory itself. A human psyche can only handle so much. And Bullseye attempting to murder his wife is the final rock that shatters the proverbial window of his sanity.
And you have just witnessed the exact moment Daredevil snapped.
You know what can hurt more than fists? Words.
He’s definitely pissed off, but this Bullseye fight isn’t why I’m bringing up Daredevil. You read the word bubbles. Bullseye’s a pawn. Time to go after the king.
And trust me, his anger has not subsided:
Yes, you’re right – Daredevil doesn’t kill. But he knows the Kingpin can survive being hit with a car, which is something you probably won’t see Captain America doing. No more games. No more level bosses to defeat and move on. This is game over.
You see, he’s fought the Kingpin and his lackies for years. Daredevil will put them in jail, destroy their operations, and save Hell’s Kitchen. Rinse and repeat his entire crime fighting career. He’s beaten the same assassins dozens of times. He’s ruined mobster schemes hundreds of times. Yet, the cycle never ends. The bad guys return to commit atrocities over and over again, and Daredevil has lost everything he cares about because of it.
No more.
Time to send a message. And if the driving a car through the wall trick isn’t broken, why fix it?
Yeah, that’s definitely not what Captain America would do. And what does Daredevil get out of this? What’s the end result? A few months of peace, the arrival of a new kingpin, a sniper bullet through the chest, and a lengthy jail sentence. It sucks to be Daredevil.
Spider-Man
While not as bad as Daredevil, Spider-Man’s life hasn’t been terribly easy. He’s a genius, but he makes awful decisions. We go back a few years to the Marvel Civil War. I’m going to go over this quickly. While chasing the supervillain Nitro through a suburb, the New Warriors team failed to capture him and Nitro exploded, killing hundreds of civillains and the nearby elementary school.
In response, the government passed the Superhuman Registration Act, forcing all superheroes to de-mask, register with the government, and serve on a federally supervised superhero team. It split the Marvel world in two. Spider-Man, in a show of support for the law, publicly revealed his identity as Peter Parker and registered. Turns out secret identities are secret for a reason. The Kingpin hired an assassin to kill Parker, and in a botched attempt, the sniper’s bullet missed Parker and hit his 70ish year-old Aunt May. This is where our story picks up in Amazing Spider-Man #539 through #543, written by J. Michael Straczynski.
He spends the next three or so issues hunting down who ordered the hit.
Yeah, this is not the Spider-Man you know and love. Nothing lighthearted in this arc. Remember, Aunt May didn’t get by a bus. She was shot because her nephew is Spider-Man. And if you have to pick a single personality flaw of spider-Man, it’s that he doesn’t take loss and guilt well.
Not a good arc to prove how funny Spider-Man can be. Parker, emotionally ruined by seeing his Aunt May on life support, has become a force of terror aimed straight at the Kingpin. And the reader observes a Spider-Man they have never seen before.
Forgot to mention the Kingpin bunks in jail. No matter. The confrontation now has an audience.
Getting a fairly good grasp of the Kingpin’s personality so far? You don’t become the crime boss of New York City without being a giant douche. All definitions of giant.
Figured out that Kingpin doesn’t stand a chance? I mean, you saw Spider-Man chuck a jeep earlier.
Spider-Man’s right, you know. He’s way faster, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a normal person. And the Kingpin, unfortunately, is a normal person. Parker has the capability to kill with just a simple flick of the wrist, and what has set him apart from the supervillains is his refusal to do so. But not anymore. The Kingpin no longer deserves any mercy.
Spider-Man has never been scarier than this moment:
It’s crazy awesome, right? Spider-Man has snapped before, but never that deeply. Too bad he’s too poor to afford therapy. Crime fighting isn’t a lucrative gig.
Just so there’s no closure, obviously Spider-Man doesn’t kill the Kingpin. Immediately after this began the controversial Brand New Day story arc, where the demon Mephisto offers to save Aunt May’s life in exchange for Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage. As an added bonus, mainly to return some of the status quo, everyone forgets Spider-Man’s secret identity. A benefit of being a comic book, I guess.
Nothing like a few bad days though, huh? Or in the Kingpin’s case, a bunch of them.
Superman and the genre-swapping kryptonite
Posted: 06/13/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 2 CommentsI’m a big fan of Superman. He’s an unrelenting force of good. The protector of the innocent and helpless. An incorruptible, forever optimistic powerhouse. That and he’s crazy strong. Back in the earliest days, he had zero weaknesses. His stories weren’t about him fighting bad guys as much as saving civilians. But that get’s boring. So they introduce tougher villains and kryptonite, pieces of his home planet that for some reason make him super weak.
And truthfully, I live for the moments when the supervillains start to win. Because when I say Superman’s tough, that’s like saying Batman is doing okay financially. Superman has the potential for such astronomical levels of strength, such incomprehensible amounts of power, that the very idea he doesn’t just smush every villain immediately into putty is the very definition of a superhero. Superman can be beaten because he holds back. He has to because of how strong he is. So, in those occasional moments when Superman lets go, when he’s broken his superhuman calm and loses himself to primal anger, they’re the greatest scenes in comics.
This is the scariest moment any comic book supervillain will ever gaze upon.
But we’re not talking about that today. We’re aiming for silly. In the wonderful series Superman/Batman #44 through #49 written by Michael Green, the two heroes realize that the sale and distribution of kryptonite has become frequently more and more deadly for the most powerful superhero on the planet. So, with the entire Justice League at their disposal, they decide to get rid of all the world’s kryptonite. Go find every single shard of it lying around and throw it all in the sun. No more kryptonite and Superman’s only weakness is totally removed.
Writers, unsatisfied with the simple overwhelmingly painful green kyptonite, have created many different colors each with different effects. Red kryptonite turns him apathetic. Gold removes Superman’s powers. Black causes him to go insane. And then you get silver.
Uh oh, what happened? Does he now have a tail? Nope, something worse. Much worse:
All his friends changed into anime midgets.
The big blue boy scout has become a ten year-old boy. If nothing is done, this would be pretty awful for the superhero community. Sure, Green Lantern can totally hold his own, but Superman can juggle moons. Our story now splits in half. Superman has math homework and Batman has to find a cure so this doesn’t become permanent:
Batman and the magician Zatanna go adventuring for the antidote while the other members of the Justice League play babysitter. Still, this entire story arc, every character involved is there to find and dispose of kryptonite on behalf of Superman. Red Tornado and the Flash have never spent a single night worrying about what kryptonite can do to them. This is Superman cashing in on every favor and squeezing every ounce of his reputation so he can gather up thousands of tons of his only weakness.
Unfortunately, he’s out of commission. Don’t worry, Batman’s on the job.
I have no idea what “the laws of physics take liberties” mean. Do the dinosaurs float? Has friction disappeared and all the animals slide around like an ice rink? Poor Batman’s going to find out. He’s going to battle prehistoric science-defying monsters just so Superman doesn’t get sent to timeout.
But back to the Watch Tower, where the Justice League is keeping Superman out of trouble.
Preteen Superman’s a poor sport. You figure the space satellite specifically designed for overseeing any problems happening on Earth wouldn’t have a big screen TV and cases of soda. More importantly, we just learned that Superman is great at video games. Add that skill next to x-ray vision and ice breath.
While Superman has the capability to relax and enjoy himself, unlike say, Batman, it’s usually just for a few brief comic panels with Lois on the couch before Braniac or Parasite attacks the city. Yeah, Superman may be crazy right now, but it’s a full day of him doing nothing but being an impulsive brat. He could certainly use a day like this before the cure is found. Speaking of which, let’s check back up on Batman:
Great, he’s in a volcano and his shirt’s gone.
Someone’s going to be extra pissy when he finds out the world’s greatest superhero spent this time polishing off the League’s supply of Fritos. Big surprise, an antidote is found and Superman doesn’t have to attend sixth grade. He got to completely sweep away his worries for the first time in his life. Fortunately, this mini vacation comes with an introspective monologue.
Y’know why Spider-Man’s mantra, “with great power comes great responsibility” is so successful? Because it’s true, and that idea haunts the actions of every superhero since the dawn of superheroes. A day off is fine, but in doing so, someone innocent will be injured or killed. Though without a day off, superheroes will eventually ruin their own lives. All superheroes could recall dozens of examples of their personal lives being upturned and destroyed because of their life’s devotion to fight evil. Guilt no matter the choice.
But to keep spirits high and celebrate success, a single evening off won’t hurt, especially not for a home cooked meal with the best superhero parents ever.
Arousing Grammar 