Hawkeye & Spider-Woman: a love story
Posted: 06/12/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 8 CommentsI’m not going to lie, Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) does well with the comic book ladies. He’s handsome, confident, has a criminal record, and saved the world a few times – a combination that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex. But he is also a devoted, loving husband. Well, was. About two years ago, his wife Mockingbird and he broke up in the desert while Mockingbird stood outside a plane as it blasted off, as comic book relationships should. Luckily, he’s a catch and unlike the other blond Avenger, he wasn’t born in a time when swing music was popular.
Spider-Woman (real name Jessica Drew) may be a bit more unknown to you. Her parents were terrorists, who experimented on their baby to make a super baby. She can fly, has enhanced physical abilities, shoots bio-electric blasts from her hands, and can excrete a pheromone that makes men suddenly attracted to her. Also, she’s in absolutely no way related or associated with Spider-Man. Long story short, she’s recently back after being abducted by a shape-changing alien race called the Skrulls and ready to battle the bad guys. Oh, also date again.
Brian Michael Bendis, the genius comic book writer, has spent over a decade writing Ultimate Spider-Man, the best combination ever done of punching and high school drama. He’s brought his talents to the pages of The Avengers, and it’s no less high school drama-y. I love it.
Did you know the Avengers have a mansion where their butler serves them cereal or whatever? It’s nice to be an Avenger. Our romance starts when the extraterrestrial Noh-Varr brings over his human college girlfriend.
Yeah, now Hawkeye knows she available and desperate: his type of woman. By the way, circus boy isn’t really an insult – he grew up on a circus with his supervillain brother Trick Shot and mentor Swordsman. Both fairly on-the-nose names.
Because they’re Avengers, they’re always moments away from some big battle. Fortunately in their brief downtime, they get invited to a party with Thor and the Asgardians, currently living in the ruins of Oklahoma. Spider-Woman and Ms. Marvel sneak off to a corner of the Viking-esque palace so they can gossip while sipping their cosmopolitans mead.
Just because they’re superheroes doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Sure, Ms. Marvel’s costume is more of a one-piece swimsuit with boots and Spider-Woman has no pupils, but why shouldn’t they find love? At least for Drew. Ms. Marvel’s out of luck.
The Avengers comic had this brilliant idea that the stories would be told as if the Avengers were sitting down for interviews for a documentary. I beg you to go read it in its entirety, but at least you get to enjoy moments like this.
It’s like The Bachelor confessionals! Only unlike The Bachelor, we don’t hate everyone in the Avengers.
So let’s witness the two’s first real flirt. I promise you it’ll go exactly as you hoped it would.
Were you hoping for awkward? I’m always amazed at how blindingly overconfident Hawkeye is about everything. His outfit is bright purple and his most useful superpower is glue arrows. Even when Bucky joined for a while as Captain America’s replacement, he had a cool bionic arm. I don’t deny that “master marksman” is a neat title. It just doesn’t compare to say, “able to bench press a minivan,” which at the time of this issue, 11 of the 15 Avengers could. And of the others who don’t have super strength, Iron Fist’s the inheritor of a millennium old kung fu magic, Dr. Strange’s the Sorcerer Supreme, and Mockingbird is Hawkeye’s ex-wife. I adore Hawkeye, but his trump card is an arrow attached to a net.
Still, just because Hawkeye recently got out of a bad relationship, why can’t the two hang out for a while? This could be healthy. Especially Spider-Woman, because she’s a mess.
C’mon, you tell me, what’s a little harmless flirting? Tony Stark does that with every woman he has ever met in his life. What’s so different about these two? Well, this is the cover of the next issue:
You see, when two people battle a possessed Hulk, currently carrying a hammer of Thor, it brings them closer together. No matter how tough a superhero claims to be, nothing makes them wet their pants faster than an angry Hulk. And you’ve seen the movie, he’s always angry. As the team retreats from the battle, it’s either the adrenaline or Hulk blood’s actually an aphrodisiac, but we’re finally rewarded for months of teasing.
A lovely moment! Though Ms. Marvel cannot get away from being this side plot’s third wheel. That poor girl. She doesn’t even wear pants, why can’t she get some superhero action? About two years ago, Venom ate her and revealed to Spider-Man that she has a little crush on him. Nothing’s come out of it, and they’re both single. Plus, Spider-Man’s dated supermodel Mary Jane Watson, currently has a high-paying job as a mad scientist, and he’s a proven family man by providing for his elderly Aunt May. Ms. Marvel could do way worse.
Anyway, after the romantic moment shared in the back of a truck, watch Barton seal the deal.
I know you want some satisfaction on this budding relationship. I’m going to give it to you. Because nothing is hotter than making out in the Avengers garden where they bury dead superheroes.
Captain America’s such a c-blocker. Though if you have any complaints about Yankee Doodle, skirting the subject isn’t one of them.
See? A real couple! They’re still together too, because this issue was only a few months ago. They’ll probably stay together until one of them gets sucked into a phantom dimension or turned into a communist robot.
In case you’re curious, Captain America’s in a serious, long-term relationship with the niece of the woman he fell in love with during World War II. Oh, and he used to date the Scarlet Witch, who was married to a robot. And let’s not forget Diamondback, a supervillian whose superpower is gymnastics. So if that’s the dating standard for the poster boy of how a superhero is supposed to act, Hawkeye and Spider-Woman stand a very good chance.
Who is the dreaded Carpenter?
Posted: 06/12/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 5 CommentsDo you know Jenna Duffy, otherwise known as the Carpenter? You shouldn’t. She’s only appeared in seven issues, spread out among different Batman series. When I say she’s a minor character, that’s a tremendous understatement. Duffy will never appear in any Batman trivia or trading cards. But she’s a delightful supervillain, and one that’ll enrich your long, fulfilling life.
Yup, she’s actually a carpenter. As legitimate as Jesus. Originally a pickpocket and thief from Keystone City (where the Flash lives), she moved to Gotham in hopes of a better life and a bigger score. That and her expertise with power tools. Her first appearance was in Detective Comics #841, where she made this brave stand against the Dark Knight:
Don’t worry, because her reign of terror isn’t over. In Detective Comics #847 just a mere six issues later, she’s engaged in mortal combat with Robin (Damian Wayne, the pre-pubescent fourth Robin).
So she doesn’t have a promising future like some of the other member of Batman’s rogue gallery. To be fair, she has to plug her weapons in. And she attacked a ten year-old with a power drill. But as you know from comics, explosions occur almost every other month. Who’s going to fix these hideouts? Normal contractors might discover the supervillains’ stash of stolen cash or trick guillotines and tattle to Commissioner Gordon. That’s when you call in the Carpenter.
Children, this is why you should always have some expertise to fall back on if defeating Batman fails. And there’s 70 years of proof that taking out Batman’s a wee bit tough.
In the last issue, the Gotham City Sirens (Catwoman, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn) had their house blown up, so while they go after the bad guy, they need to come back to a fresh animal shelter, greenhouse, and Joker shrine. Plus, supervillainy pays terribly well, so let it be known that despite dressing up like a bad Halloween costume, Catwoman is loaded.
But narrative structure is only successful when obstacles to the path of success arise. Who do you call when you’re in a pit where the walls are slowly caving in? Damn right, you call the Carpenter.
Spoiler alert: they win.
As you know, any important character in comic books has their own customized ride. Don’t fret, because the Carpenter is no exception:
Unfortunately, the Sirens are a trio and not a quadruple or whatever it’s called. Duffy’s brief appearance has to end eventually. Is it going to be exciting and emotionally satisfying? No, but at least you can sleep easy tonight with a fraction of closure.
You must have realized by now that this isn’t really enough to justify an entire article. After all, you have Sportscenter and Man v. Food episodes to catch up on and your time is too valuable to waste on a background character. I’m not half-assing, I swear. In Batman: Streets of Gotham #12 and #13, the Carpenter stars in her very own adventure. Let’s explore together!
So what has Duffy been up to since fixing up Catwoman’s pad? I’m glad you asked!
Oh, now she has freckles. Character development and whatnot.
Anyway, Batman shows up, breaks up the mob party, and as the Carpenter sneaks out the back, she’s given an interesting proposition. Not that, you pervert.
We’ve all seen Batman stumble onto these crazy hideouts full of surprises, right? It’s fun to see Batman dodge falling ceiling fans or buzzsaws coming out of walls. But even in a fictional world, these criminal hideouts take time and skill to build. You’re about to go behind the scenes. This is DVD extra stuff.
Before that, I know I’ve been calling her a supervillain, but how is she any more dangerous than a normal carpenter? So far, seems like that’s more of a profession than a name to strike fear in the hearts of do-gooders. Luckily, the job turns out to be at an old movie theater. And henchmen are always hanging around abandoned cinemas.
Satisfied? Yeah, you can get why she’s a very minor character in the DC world. At least you have a VIP pass to witness the pre-Batman trap setup, right? Complete with actor commentary.
Now what’s the biggest problem about working for supervillains? Did you guess the casualty rate of the hired help? You’re right. But Duffy ain’t a mob lawyer or terrified accountant. She’s served under the Mad Hatter. She carries mini sledgehammers. The Carpenter is a bona fide supervillain. And she’s not about to let some wannabe baddie take her out. No matter how devious the plan:
What do you do when you’ve been paid in advance and want to make it out alive? Yessir, you alert Batman and stay out of his way. He’ll maneuver around the deathtraps and clean up all the bad guy trash. He’s the supernanny of putting supervillains to bed. By bed I mean knocked unconscious on the warehouse floor.
Sadly, no matter the heads up, Batman is also really mean.
And that’s Dick Grayson as Batman. Bruce Wayne would have caved her face in. He’s not a fan of crime.
Are you sad that the Carpenter’s last appearance in comics had her running away like a punk? Wipe away your tears, because I have one final page. A page that inspires hope and happiness in the spirit of the readers. Trust me, the Carpenter has many traits, like hard-working, highly skilled, and surprisingly intuitive, but most importantly, she’s greedy. And that’s the perfect flaw for a supervillain.
Fun with Deadpool
Posted: 06/11/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel Leave a commentHe’s the perfect superhero for the ADHD Internet era. Completely wacky, extremely violent, and just a hint of self-loathing, Deadpool has rocketed in popularity over the past decade.
If you want to keep up with the youth in up and coming superhero fads, you need to know about Deadpool. Plus, all of his series are fantastically written and delightfully fun.
A little backstory to get you caught up before we divulge into our issue for today.
Deadpool, real name Wade Wilson, is a product of the Weapon X program, which you may know as the main reason for Wolverine’s angst and memory loss. As a science guinea pig, Deadpool was given Wolverine’s mutant healing factor. Unfortunately, that also sped up the growth of the cancerous tumors he happened to have and left his body horrible scarred and disfigured. But hey, at least he heals fast, and coupled with his extensive military training, makes him a formidable mercenary and assassin.
You still might be asking, what’s so special about a Wolverine ripoff? Well, he doesn’t have claws. More importantly, he’s insane and I can’t stress how literally I mean that. Allow me to provide proof using his battle against Bullseye in Deadpool #10 through #12, written by Daniel Way.
Real fast: Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, has created a team of Dark Avengers. Bullseye, pretending to be Hawkeye, is sent after Deadpool to get rid of him. Deadpool has just robbed a house when he goes upstairs to check on the owner. Yeah, so Deadpool’s not exactly a superhero.
One guess to figure out who’s the assassin. Bullseye and Deadpool scrap for a few pages, because it’s why we read comics in the first place.
And now that you’re caught up, I’m going to skip a bunch of context. Look, the two are going to be fighting for the next three issues, you can figure out from the pictures what’s going on. Like this:
That healing factor makes Deadpool pretty much invincible. Around forty issues later, the Hulk will punch Deadpool so hard that his body liquefies, and he’s back to normal a few days later. So while an arrow through the brain ain’t physically lethal, I imagine it does screw up a few cognitive processes. Probably. I’m not a scientist.
A large part of Deadpool’s charm is his schizophrenia. Arguing with the voices in his head and such. Turns his solo series into a team up. You see his appeal? No? Well, it’s stuff such as this:
And this:
Want to take a guess about Deadpool’s reputation in the superhero and supervillain communities? Did you say universally hated? Yeah, Deadpool isn’t getting invited to any late night poker games. Though don’t feel bad for him, because in a world where a blue furry mutant cat can get an attractive normal green-haired girlfriend, the fault lies entirely with Deadpool. He’s kind of a loose cannon – oh, and a moron.
But it’s because of how crazily stupid he is that we get moments like these. Moments that etch Deadpool’s name permanently into the annals of the Marvel greats. Moments such as the three full pages you’re about to read.
You see, even as funny as Spider-Man’s comics are, they’re still surrounded by monologues and scenes of Spider-Man’s frustrating anguish and the burden of responsibility. These make him more relatable and the reader roots harder for him to win. Deadpool comics don’t bother with those, because Deadpool’s a silly, spontaneous character who’s lacks any sense of accountability for his actions. Other superhero comics deal with their protagonists overcoming overwhelming odds to persevere in the face of adversity and those are fantastic stories, but Deadpool’s about fun and he’s found a major following because of it.
The irony is that his dickish behavior’s the reason he’s so loved.
And if you’ve found yourself emotionally invested in this story and want to know how it ends, you’re in luck. Bullseye and Deadpool go back to being sort of friends. Why? Because the unifying theme in all his adventures revolves around Deadpool not giving a crap. Cue the next arc where he decides to join the X-Men and the arc after that where he fights a macaque monkey assassin with Spider-Man. You’re damn right you want to read it.
Lex Luthor and Joker: bosom buddies
Posted: 06/10/2012 Filed under: DC, Relationships 1 CommentWe’ve spent the last few articles surrounded by a lot of bloodshed and violence. So why don’t we relax and just enjoy a conversation?
Say hello to the Joker and Lex Luthor, the two most infamous villains in the DC universe. We witness this gem in Action Comics #897, written by Paul Cornell.
I don’t really need or wish to go into the supervillains’ back stories. You’ve seen the movies and TV shows. Luthor is a brilliant, scheming, greedy businessman and Joker is an insane, unpredictable, unreliable psychopath. They’re not good friends. Or friends. But they each need something from the other, so we get to watch this manipulation game unfold itself. And it’s wonderful.
About a year before this in a huge DC event, one of the Green Lanterns’ enemies used his power to resurrect every dead superhero and villain as evil zombie warriors. The good guys prevailed. Luthor, wanting this power for himself, set off looking for spheres that contained remnants or clues. Turns out Joker has one.
Yeah, Joker’s an asshole. A few years before this, Joker kidnapped then President Luthor and tortured him to near death. The enemy of my enemy is my friend cliche doesn’t really apply here. And because of Joker’s personality and apathy, Luthor has to tread lightly to get what he wants – especially when Joker holds all the cards.
Oops. Unfortunately, Luthor isn’t without his ego – though it’s hard pressed to find a supervillain who lacks it. Turns out part of the whole being the arch-nemesis of the fastest, most powerful superhero on the planet takes a bit of pride in oneself. Though the giant robot suits don’t hurt.
When I said the Joker holds the upper hand in this conversation, I meant it:
But seriously, we’re over the whole threats thing. We get it, it’s what supervillians do. The only time bad guys show any respect or good vibes is when they’re being sarcastic. So let’s get right to the meat of the meeting.
Have you ever realized how similar Luthor and Batman are? They’re both billionaires, though Luthor is self-made and Wayne inherited his wealth. They both have obsessive personalities (Superman and crime respectively). They’re both humorless geniuses with a strong reluctance to rely on other people. Why aren’t they drinking imported exotic juices squeezed from endangered animals and poured into goblets made out the hardened tears of their mid-management? Well, I mean if you exclude Wayne being a decent human being.
But this just came to me speaking of humorless. Many DC superheroes have a fantastic sense of humor. Nightwing, Plastic Man, the Flash a little bit. But Superman? I think he has a decent sense of humor, he’s just not funny. Find me a comic panel where Superman makes even a mediocre joke. He’s too busy having every superpower ever to fine tune his comedy. Anyways.
Mission complete! All that’s left is to bargain with the Joker for his prize and Luthor can go back to his sweatshops. But what do with a man who has everything versus a man who wants nothing? Well, I mean, not exactly nothing. Joker’s in a prison jumpsuit after all, so what about a release before he’s most likely put back in there by Batman a month later? No? You want a page of the Joker philosophizing? Want to see the Joker let his guard down and be real with Luthor for once in his wacky life? Of course.
The Joker’s known for being a super liar, but it’d be nice for the two to have a moment. Luthor should totally sit down with the Joker to swap bomb tips and brag about stupid stuff they got their henchmen to do. It’s not like either has any friends. But alas, that’s the downside of being mega evil.
Oh, want to know Luthor’s lackies? The woman’s an android Lois Lane and the man’s a reporter. And like most comic book reporters on to a major breakthrough, his days are severely numbered.
Happy ending for everybody! Except the reporter, but none ever get past an issue or two hanging around supervillians. Luthor gets his sphere and Joker gets his entertainment. The reader leaves satisfied and stuffed. And no, I don’t know why Joker has a mouth mustache either.
I’m not going to spoil this arc, but in Action Comics #900, the final confrontation between Luthor and Superman is one of the most fantastic issues I’ve ever read in DC comics. And that includes this issue from last week:
Hulk vs. X-Men
Posted: 06/10/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentLet’s jump right into this. We’re going to talk about the Hulk.
What has made Hulk so popular can be boiled down to two major points:
a) The eternal inner battle between the meek scientist Bruce Banner and his avatar of rage Hulk.
b) Lots of smashing.
In 2006 and 2007, Hulk was shot into space and sent far away from Earth because y’know, he’s super dangerous. Well, his spaceship made a wrong turn and instead of a happy planet full of flowers and butterflies, Hulk landed on a violent gladiator planet. Because he’s the Hulk, he fought his way to the top and married a hot space alien (I guess?). One day, his spaceship exploded, killing his wife. But who sent him away in that spaceship in the first place? Yeah – Iron Man, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, and Mr. Fantastic. They called themselves the Illuminati, along with Namor (who dissented to the Hulk launch) and Professor X (who wasn’t there). So Hulk, pissed off, flies back to Earth to take his revenge on those that betrayed him. Start the major Marvel event World War Hulk.
Since everyone has seen The Avengers movie, you know how strong the Hulk is. Though what makes the Hulk so scary in the comic world is that he has no set level of strength. The angrier he gets, the stronger he is. Add that to a healing factor that rivals Wolverine, and he’s potentially the toughest being in the entire Marvel universe.
A three issue miniseries, World War Hulk: X-Men written by Christos Gage, follows Hulk as he goes to the X-Men mansion to have some “words” with Professor X (real name Charles Xavier). And because you can probably guess how comics go by now, that means fighting all the X-Men. Like all of them. Versus Hulk. And it’s awesome.
See? This isn’t your dad’s Hulk. He’s smart, armored, and hasn’t smiled in months. Will the X-Men hand over Xavier like the green monster asks? Of course not, because we have three issues to go.
First up, Hulk’s going to smack around the New Mutants.
Like the Avengers or Spider-Man villains, the roster is gigantic and you really only care about half of them. I know you haven’t heard of these X-Men. Y’see, when not fighting Magneto, the X-Men are essentially running a school. And since all the original class are probably in their 30s now, a fresh crop of students is necessary. Like the New Mutants. They’re cool, trust me. But it’s still the Hulk punching a bunch of teenagers (and Beast).
Professor X may be a bit of a dick (a recent revelation, unlike the movies where he’s charming James McAvoy with a full head of hair), but he’s still a good guy. And you have to be a real douche to stand around while children are being ripped apart by the radiation monster who declared war on Earth.
By this time, the famous X-Men you know and love have arrived. Xavier and Hulk have a little chat.
I’d be irresponsible to mention that this miniseries takes place about half way through the event. Hulk and his army have already subdued Iron Man and Black Bolt. He’s moments away from victory against both teams of Avengers and the Fantastic Four. Being the super psychic genius Professor X is, he’s well aware of the consequences. But Charles admits the truth. Damn right he would have voted yes. So y’know, round two:
How’s the fight go? Shall we find out?
Not well. Though one furry Canadian mutant is still left. Y’see, Wolverine and Hulk have some history. Wolverine’s first appearance in comics was as a Hulk villain. Plus, Wolverine can heal, take massive amounts of damage, and his adamantium claws can actually pierce Hulk’s skin. How do you deal with an enemy that can take everything you dish out? Unfortunately, dumb Hulk disappeared years ago.
And round two goes to Hulk. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Professor X saved many of these mutants from lives of society’s rejection and gave them a family they never thought they would have. Sure, he trains them to be soldiers, but if you could shoot fire from your hands wouldn’t you want to learn how to fight?
Luckily, the arc isn’t over yet. One more team, one more round against the green gamma beast with fists as big as their torsos.
Who’s going to win? You probably don’t need Vegas odds to place a bet.
Don’t count the X-Men out yet. I mean, there’s only Nightcrawler left, but he’s a tricky little mutant. And while kicks to the face aren’t going to faze Hulk, Nightcrawler can totally teleport the big guy. Hulk’s a bit too massive to warp farther than a few hundred feet, but that’s plenty of room for the classic Drop the Plane on the Raging Brute scheme.
Yay! Call the ref and ring the bell, because this fight is over! They X-Men can go back to their bunk beds and make s’mores and have the algebra test as scheduled tomorrow. Oh, never mind.
No more X-Men. They ran out of reinforcements and looks like Professor X is going to Hulk jail. Wait, what do you see out of the corner of your eye? Is that the potential savior approaching the battlefield? Who possess balls enormous enough to challenge the Hulk after just beating down three squads of mutants? Can he turn around the battle and redeem himself for the past mistakes and atrocities he’s committed?
Nope.
But you see, in the timeline of comics, no group has suffered the discrimination and agony that the X-Men have endured. Their past, present, and future have all been revealed as tragic, horrible struggles against the forces of hate and inequality. You know who might be able to relate? Yeah, Hulk.
Don’t forget that as many X-Men as he’s just punched, this all started because the happiness Hulk brutally fought for was taken away from him in a single vindictive, explosive flash. Certainly, he has a right to revenge. Except despite Xavier’s confession, he didn’t actually vote to send him away. That and the entire history of the X-Men:
Happy ending? Kind of?
Punisher: Nazi Hunter
Posted: 06/08/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 8 CommentsIn honor of today’s amazing boost in hits, let’s do a special Friday article!
Today’s about the Punisher (real name Frank Castle), the most black and white character in the Marvel universe. While some superheroes struggle with the morality of the criminals and the individual situations involved with each one, the Punisher has a simple philosophy. You commit a crime, you die. No mercy, no forgiveness. But it’s his backstory that I want to talk about before going into the arc. Castle has no superpowers, just extensive military training gained from his service in Vietnam. Yes, Vietnam. Whereas Iron Man’s origin got updated from building his first armor in Vietnam to the war in the Middle East, Castle has gotten no such update.
Which means that even if the Punisher served at the end of the war, he’d be at least 60 years old. And he began fighting crime shortly after his return from the war, where his family was gunned down accidentally in a firefight between mobsters one afternoon in the park. Castle has been gunning down bad guys for over 30 years. So he’s very good at what he does, and can holds his own against tougher superheroes and supervillains. But he still kills, so to say his relationships with other good guys are strained is sort of an understatement. Like Captain America.
You’d think the two would get along. They’re both war veterans who hate criminals. Except that even though Captain America waved around a machine gun in World War II, nowadays he’s pretty strict on the standard no killing rule. The Punisher tends to be a bit more lax. So while Captain America is the shining moral example that superheroes strive to be, the Punisher makes bad guys wet themselves wearing just a t-shirt with a skull on it.
But a few years ago, Captain America got assassinated.
Because Castle has such a strict system of justice, he doesn’t and never will kill good guys. He’s after the wicked. Add Captain America’s reputation and his past as a war hero like the Punisher, you can bet your Archie comics collection that the Punisher respects him. Which led to this fantastic arc in Punisher: War Journal:
Yup, allow me to introduce you to Hate Monger. He’s a racist supervillain. Unfortunately, it’s more of a title because Hate Mongers tend not to last very long. Especially not when the Punisher is coming.
Castle isn’t bulletproof. He can’t just flip a jeep into the white supremacist camp and gun them all down. The Punisher has to plan. To infiltrate. To time his attacks. But he’s had 30 years of practice, and no one knows how to go incognito like the Punisher:
Luckily, not too many neo-Nazis hold doctorates, so he gets into the club. Unluckily, turns out they’re not just a ragtag team of biker outlaws. We have a new generation, one who learned that burning crosses and spitting on Jews may not be the best way to accomplish their ultimate goals. Which means Castle now has to deal with this:
Okay, so maybe the neo-Nazis do have some doctorates. H-Rays, in true comic book fashion, are invisible and undetectable, but upon ingestion brings up dormant rage and hatred. Secret plot discovered. Now it’s up to Confederate Punisher to stop this madness from the inside. But y’know, what’s the fun in hiding?
Just because Castle fights a hell of a fight doesn’t mean he’s always successful. Even Captain America gets captured occasionally. Besides what’s the fun in having the good guy win every brawl he’s in? We enjoy seeing how James Bond gets out of cackling villains’ traps. So despite utilizing all the cacti in the area, the Punisher is found out, captured, and tied to a post. More importantly, it gives the Hate Monger time to rant.
In the next few panels, the Punisher is wearing a new costume. Why? Well, there just so happens to be an opening for a new Captain America.
Half of the captain’s rogue gallery is Nazis. Cap was killed by a henchman of the de facto Nazi leader, Red Skull. So while the other heroes give emotional eulogies and toasts, the Punisher honors Captain America the best way he knows how.
Didn’t stop him from getting defeated, but let it be known that the Punisher isn’t known for being enjoyable to be around.
Because of the narrative direction I wished to pursue, you’re hopefully clear that the Hate Monger is an asshole (and not just because of that terrible soul patch), but you’re missing hard proof to justify my claim. Well, I’m not going to let you down. Before we get to the exciting conclusion of our tale, let’s go back a few pages to an inspirational speech.
In summary, the Hate Monger, seeing Captain America’s death on TV like the rest of the world, decides to adopt a version of the costume for use in his evil plans. The Punisher, normally outraged by crime but in this case, H-Ray crazy outraged, makes his own Captain America costume to deal with this douchebag. Because although Castle may not be a homing beacon for the country’s morality and patriotism, he sure as hell knows it’s never going to be Hate Monger.
The Punisher definitely isn’t afraid of death, and some critics will argue that he’s secretly hoping to die so he can see his family again and blah blah blah, but it certainly would ruin the literary flow. Castle’s allies, which include that skinny guy with glasses and a government agent out to arrest Castle, ambush the execution scene, bomb the hideout, and pandemonium ensues. Punisher wins, because he always wins. Plus, who wants a Nazi victory?
Seriously, stop hogging all the bad vibes, Hate Monger. As you can guess, the Punisher doesn’t become the next Captain America. Not just because of his love of bullets and inability to be a team player, but for very different reasons then other superheroes.
He’s part of the big three New York city “street” crimefighters I mentioned in an early article, but unlike Spider-Man or Daredevil who have lost scores of loved ones, experienced terrible tragedies and will continue to do so, the Punisher will not. No one gets close to the Punisher. He’s never going to have a girlfriend or best friend. His only mission in life to snuff out as many criminals as possible, partly for revenge of his murdered family and partly to protect decent people who don’t turn to crime. Friendships and relationships take time away from his mission and can potentially create opportunities for baddies to get the upper hand on Castle. The Punisher at most will have a computer guy for information, and even then he barely grunts at them. He’s the very definition of anti-hero, just with none of the charm.
Finally, for both Castle’s closure and to tie up loose ends, Captain America’s former partner and dear friend Bucky (who does become the new Captain America a few months later) meets up with the Punisher shortly after the Hate Monger mess.
Kkfaatch indeed.
Loki and his pal Spider-Man
Posted: 06/08/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships Leave a commentMagic is well and alive in the Marvel universe. And not sawing assistants in half or pulling rodents out of hats kinds of magic. We’re talking astral projection, dimension manipulation, summoning rituals, and more words that I also don’t know. Unfortunately, magic tends to create ambiguous plot twists, because the writers can make it do whatever they want whenever they want it – the deus ex machina of the comic book world. But regardless, some of the cooler characters are master magicians (Wizards? Sorcerers? Voodooists?) like Dr. Doom, Dr. Strange, and others who don’t have PhDs.
Currently, because of The Avengers movie, the most popular comic book wizard is the trickster god Loki. He’s sneaky, verbose, and rarely uses his fists – the opposite of his brother Thor. Also, he’s a supervillain and responsible for some of the most destructive events in Marvel history. Which makes him perfect for a team up with Spider-Man. I know that segue was bad.
The two team up to take out an evil witch. Be warned, either of these characters are known for being talkative. Put the two together and I’m surprised they even had room to fit the punching around the word bubbles.
So let’s hang out with Spider-Man and Loki in Amazing Spider-Man #503 and #504. C’mon, you have some time to spare.
Loki shows up in a puff of smoke and magic aura or whatever. Spider-Man, obviously confused and frustrated, decides to figure out what’s going using the way that’s worked for decades before. Because this is only a two issue arc, Loki gives in and we learn all about this mysterious foe. And she is mysterious, because this is her first appearance in the Marvel universe.
Since all the major sorcerers are conveniently out in outer space or deep meditation (like how come the Fantastic Four are always in the microuniverse whenever they’re needed?), it’s up to Spider-Man and I guess the now anti-hero Loki.
But crazy witches are exhausting to find, and in one of the most delightful moments in Marvel comics, the two buddies take a break and just hang out. Y’know, like best friends do.
Anyway, let’s skip the detective work. Basically Morwen is possessing a young girl. Spider-Man ain’t big on civilians becoming avatars of evil, but why does Loki care? Chaos is his favorite pastime. Well, turns out the god has a few other hobbies. Which involve the girl.
So surprise, they manage to find Morwen. Also surprise, she’s combative and difficult. Turns out that forces of chaos do not really get along. Probably something to do with all of them being assholes.
They brawl. The fight is fairly confusing to follow, mainly because magic fights tend to make up rules as they go along. But Loki and Spider-Man win. The Asgardian god creates barriers, changes elemental energy, and goes inside Morwen’s possessed body to convince his daughter to struggle and release Morwen. Spider-Man hits her in the face with webs. One has more tricks than the other.
There are two epilogue panels that make this story worth posting. Because while Loki may be a liar, a thief, a manipulator, and a jerk, he does repay his debts.
Spider-Man has yet to cash in on this favor a 180ish issues later. I hope he does soon, because if you read Spider-Man comics, he gets his ass handed to him almost every single issue. Of course he eventually finds a way to win, but it would certainly save a concussion and half a uniform if he just summoned his BFF Loki to warp the baddie to a dimension full of angry wolves or something.
Unfortunately, Loki isn’t exactly what he once was. Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin) and his Dark Avengers attacked Thor’s homeland Asgard, then situated in rural Oklahoma. The Sentry, the insane Superman of the Marvel world, shockingly went insane and destroyed Asgard. Loki, who had convinced Osborn to attack in the first place, realized the mistake he made and tried to stop the Sentry. The trickster god got killed and Iron Man had to drop the helicarrier on the Sentry to win the fight. Oops. But he’s a god, so his resurrection’s only a matter of time. Because he had made a deal with the ruler of Hel, where gods go when they die, he skipped the whole life and death cycle and changed forms. Easy to follow, right? Well, Loki’s a little different now. Emphasis on little.
Oh, Spider-Man’s also doing okay. Forgot to mention him.
Important Batman hero and villain questions finally answered
Posted: 06/07/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 3 CommentsIf you found yourself with superpowers, would you go and smack around criminals? Because if so, you are in the extreme minority in the comic world. For instance, Superman’s Wikipedia page alone contains 230 supervillains. Batman clocked in at 227, and I didn’t even count normal mobsters. Since there are only so many casinos to rob or cities to bomb, what do all the supervillains do in their downtime? If you guessed alcoholism, you’re probably right.
Some though, become mercenaries, which led to the wonderful series Secret Six written by Gail Simone. While the comic was bloody, full of drama, and spectacularly written, I want to look at two specific parts. Let’s explore together!
What did Batman eat?
One of the Dark Knight’s lesser villains is Catman, real name Thomas Blake. He’s in no way related to the woman version. Imagine him like Batman, just with cat stuff. Yeah, he’s easy to figure out. But can Catman outsmart the world’s greatest detective?
When two major costumes meet, the meeting is usually routine. It’s always one part witty conversation and one part fight scene. This way the reader gets to see two characters they like interact and subsequently beat each other up. While Catman isn’t terribly famous, he is one of the stars of this series, so that counts. Problem is that Batman’s not funny. No quips, no banter, no smiles. Sure, Bruce Wayne will tell a knock knock joke to a bunch of drunk socialites after he’s downed his fifth ginger ale, but the second that mask goes on, he’s fresh out of anecdotes and just refilled his scowls.
Of course they scrap for a little bit, because that’s a requirement in comic books. I know Batman is some sort of ultimate ninja warrior, but Catman gets a few hits in and Batman gets all pissy. More importantly, Blake is just hanging around being nosy and keeping Wayne from his real job of fracturing the skulls of pimps and drug dealers.
What’s the Dark Knight supposed to do? Because Catman answered his questions and Batman is an honorable man, it’s only fair he return the favor. Make sure you’re sitting down and buckled in, because our mystery is about to be shattered open, exposed for the world to finally gaze upon the answer to the question soaking in our minds: What did Batman eat?
Mission accomplished. For an added bonus, Catman makes a final point that’s actually quite introspective and something I’ve never really thought about before:
If you think you’re missing out on some missing panels, no, there’s no chance for Catman. But seriously, Batman’s on patrol for a good eight hour shift. Longer if he has to break up a gun ring or shut down Mr. Freeze’s ice fortress. He’s certainly going to get hungry. Though I don’t know what joints are open at 3 AM, so we all get to enjoy the fantastic image of the Dark Knight sticking a night’s supply of churros and mini pizzas in his utility belt.
Let’s skip ahead 30 or so issues and follow along one of the Secret Six’s day off.
Bane goes on a date.
It’s a good time to talk about Bane, seeing as he’s the new villain in The Dark Knight Rises movie coming out next month. A relatively new villain, Bane was introduced to the DC universe in 1993. Born in the fictional South American country of Santa Prisca, his father committed a ton of crimes and then fled the country. Because of how the legal system worked there, Bane had to be sent to prison in his father’s place, regardless that he’s a toddler. So when you spend every waking moment fighting for your life and reading a library full of books, you become crazy tough and insanely smart. I mean, it wasn’t like he was going to spend his free time riding tricycles. And if he did, he’d have to hide a shank under the seat. A cruel prison doctor made him a test subject for the dangerous drug venom, which made him super strong.
After he escapes prison, he’s looking for a new challenge and settles on Batman. One thing the movie seems to be getting right and the animated series got wrong is that Bane’s a strategic genius. He easily figures out Batman’s secret identity and instead of jumping him on a rooftop one night, he works for months to set up every possible advantage. Bane breaks into Arkham Asylum, freeing every supervillain. Batman’s then forced to spend three months rounding up all the baddies he put away, leaving him injured, sick, and wiped. So on the night the last villain is returned to the crazy house, Wayne returns to his own mansion. Except Bane is waiting for him.
What follows is ten pages of Batman getting the crap beat out of him. You think Batman will muster up the last of his strength and defend himself from this monster of a man. Nope. It’s just a major beatdown unlike anything seen in comics to that point. In the end, Bane picks Batman up and breaks Batman’s back over his knee. And oh, how victory is sweet. Later after Wayne heals, he engages Bane on equal terms and wins, but technicalities still count.
Anyway, flash forward to today, Bane, trying to kick his venom habit, has taken time off from mercenary work to enjoy some personal time.
Carnival date! Sure, growing up in a prison gives you zero social skills and a complete lack of any flirting ability, but he works out and is trying his best to be a decent person. Why shouldn’t women like him?
You ever hear that carnies aren’t always the most trustworthy of people? Turns out supervillainy pays quite well. So to get an added tip, the worker commissions his buddies to help themselves to Bane’s pockets. Sure, he’s seven feet tall and jacked, but they have a pipe, so it should be okay.
Before the inevitable confrontation, it’s important for the two to bond, right? Physical feats are nice, but nothing helps get a second date like an emotional connection. Luckily, Bane is ready.
Now let’s go watch some juggling! Fortunately, his date doesn’t work with sick farm animals or on hiatus from her job as a high-powered attorney – she can look past his past. Still, he’s kind of charming. Sort of. Except now he’s going to have to deal with the hooligan problem.
Y’know, Bane is a supervillain. The first to successfully take down Batman. A physique professional wrestlers wished they had. Doesn’t give a second thought to a knife through his hand. Couple that with his tragic upbringing, he’s the ultimate badboy. All those yahoos accomplished was allowing Bane to skip three dates.
Good for him. Date finished and all objectives completed. Obviously, being inquisitive readers, your next question will be: how does Bane make love? Well, don’t worry your confused little heads, because I’m prepared and ready.
Like a gentleman.
A total gentleman.
Ursa Major will maul your heart
Posted: 06/06/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsLet’s cut to the chase today. Why spew paragraph long introductions when I can simply show you?
Meet Mikhail Uriokovitch Ursus, also known as Ursa Major. He’s a Russian mutant who can turn into a giant talking bear. Surprisingly, he’s a relatively minor character in the Marvel universe.
Russian superheroes have been around longer than you think. Superspy Black Widow (played by Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers) first appeared in 1964. The X-Men Colossus made his debut in 1975. But unlike those two, Ursa Major never left Mother Russia and his superhero team Winter Guard is mainly used to antagonize more famous heroes over obvious political misunderstandings.
Luckily, he’s cocky and insane. Which makes for a delightful combination anytime he shows up to claw The Hulk over a lost Cold War magic elixir or whatever.
The last panel brings up the entire reason for this post. He takes out the robot made of a million bombs. Boo-Boo pats him on the back. And in his mighty victory, he announces:
About that. I don’t mind trash talk on the battlefield or the basketball court. It usually makes everything way better anyway. Except Ursa Major is making a bold claim. Sure, he’s a crazy foreign bear monster. Yeah, he’s gone up against some powerful foes. But always wins? Hell, Superman constantly gets superpowers made up just for him and he still gets frequently outwitted by the Donald Trump of the DC universe.
So Ursa Major, the prosecution would like to present evidence at this time:
She-Hulk totally beating down Ursa Major on two separate occasions. Notice the different clothes?
Fairly safe to say that his bragging may need to be tempered a tweak. Now it’s not that he’s a terrible character or an awful fighter. But when the series is called She-Hulk and you come lumbering up to smack her in the face, odds are not in your favor. And despite the Animorph abilities of Russia’s finest, there’s really not much you can do with Ursa Major. Will his bear strength be enough to take out the bad guys? I hope so, because that’s his only angle. He’s a fun character to have in an issue or two, but how many environmental terrorists or evil park rangers can he really fight? At least Beast is a super genius.
As you’ve guessed, the poor guy is a joke in the Marvel universe. He’s one of the first surviving mutants from the Soviet Union. He’s loyally and fiercely fought for his country his entire life. But unfortunately, he’s also a giant bear.
Even the Invisible Woman a few panels back made a crack at Ursa Major, and she’s a loving mother of two. Thankfully, he and the Winter Guard are still alive and well, still fighting Russia’s enemies, and still available as a foil for any superhero who needs to pound the forest king.
Want to know what he’s been up to lately? Oh, nothing much:
It gets better, Kingpin
Posted: 06/06/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 7 CommentsYesterday, I briefly talked about Ultimate Spider-Man. He not only fights crime, he also struggles to keep a girlfriend, good grades, and keeping his secret identity from his aunt. You know, basic Saved by the Bell stuff. Sure, the series has a bit more teenage drama than Spider-Man fans may be used to, but more importantly, child Spider-Man is a dick.
About four or five arcs during the decade plus long run dealt with Spider-Man attempting to thwart mob boss Wilson Fisk, commonly known as The Kingpin (played by Michael Clarke Duncan in the movie Daredevil).
Despite having no superpowers, the giant criminal has been a huge thorn in the side of “street” superheroes since the 1960s. And I’m not being racist – let me explain.
New York City houses more superheroes than any other city in the Marvel world. So how do writers justify the severe level of crime in the city that is like a quarter superpowered? I mean, Gotham City in the DC world is well-known for the almost preposterous amount of bad guys running around, but their only superhero is Batman, and his superhero is throwing bat shurikens. Well in NYC, different superheroes handle different levels of problems. The Fantastic Four and the Avengers don’t go around patrolling for purse snatchers. They have to universes to save and Devourers of Worlds to beat up.
Galactus isn’t going to be mugging anybody. That’s the Fantastic Four’s job. But then who stops “street” crime? Who interferes with bank robbers and drug dealers? The three main ones are Spider-Man, Daredevil, and The Punisher. And since The Kingpin is the most powerful crime boss in the city, all three take turns dealing with him.
In the Ultimate line, it’s Spider-Man who clashes with The Kingpin most often. And despite The Kingpin being a ruthless, remorseless murderer, Peter Parker is downright cruel to him. Words can sometimes hurt more than fists, buddy.
Sometimes bullying doesn’t stop at high school. These are premeditated barbs meant only to emotionally wound. And don’t think Spider-Man is just being brave. Despite the physical size difference, Spider-Man can bench press an 18-wheeler. To counter the one-sided fight, it’s become pretty well-established by now that The Kingpin is built almost entirely of crazy muscle. This way child Spider-Man doesn’t take down a guy five times his weight in two and a half panels. But it’s not going to prevent our protagonist from racking up the mob boss’ therapy bills.
Have you noticed a recurring theme in these select pages? Yeah, The Kingpin doesn’t understand why Spider-Man is bothering him. Y’see, unlike say Norman Osborn or other villains with personal connections to young Peter Parker, The Kingpin’s arcs have all began with Spider-Man reading about the crime leader getting away with stuff he shouldn’t or doing some nasty stuff. And the kid decides to butt in. That’s it. You now know the entire motivations for our hero’s actions.
So how does a normal dude stop a superhero? Well, connections certainly help. Which makes their dynamic one of the finest and most complex in the Marvel universe. Why do superheroes have secret identities in the first place? The most common answer is to protect their loved ones from amoral baddies. So how do you create a setting where both Spider-Man and The Kingpin have equal leeway over the other? Well, eliminate the secret identity and the jokes slowly starts to disappear. Now the power struggle goes from this:
To something more substantial:
To ultimately a relationship that becomes dark as balls:
The main problem with having superheroes around for over 50 years is that the stories have to remain fresh and interesting to keep readers. If Spider-Man punches his way to victory in every issue, readers are going to move on, no matter how many arms or tiny mustaches the villains have. So instead, introduce a bad guy that is untouchable by the law and with repercussions that make fistfights impossible. How is a kid supposed to defeat a villain like this? And now you have the readers’ attention. Though personally, I never tire of punching, but I’m just old fashioned like that.
More importantly, let this post serve as a message of hope. If you’re bullied but end up growing to seven feet tall and have access to major crime connections, you’ll be fine. In the main Marvel universe, Wilson Fisk currently runs his own deadly ninja clan, so look into that if the mafia may not be your thing.
Finally, to be fair about The Kingpin’s inappropriate anger and threats, he does constantly get one upped by a tenth grader. And not a terribly bright one either.
Arousing Grammar 