A non-love story with Namor and Sue

No beating around the bush here: Namor, the shirtless king of Atlantis, has a major crush on Sue Richards, the Invisible Woman and mother of two.  I’ve actually covered it briefly in my previous Fantastic Four article.  Oh, we’re definitely going to see lots of panels of Namor shameless hitting on the Invisible Woman.  And it’s delightful.  But before that, it’s important to cover a little bit of history. Because regardless of the X-Men or whatever team the Atlantean king’s currently a part of, he’s forever linked to the Fantastic Four.

Y’see, Namor’s success in today’s comic market sparked in Fantastic Four #4, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Jack Kirby.  The Sub-Mariner had fallen off the radar after the 1940s.  Luckily, in 1961, the Human Torch stumbles upon a certain familiar hobo.

Unfortunately, Namor finds out that during his years as an amnesiac bum, his home in the ocean hasn’t been treated very kindly by mankind.  So he tries to kill everyone.  Oops.  Luckily, the Fantastic Four are there to stop him.  Kind of.

And that my friends, is my gift to you: the very first ever meeting between the two.  To put this in perspective, Dr. Doom, the clear arch-nemesis of the Fantastic Four, makes his debut in the next issue.  This comic gem is pre-Doom.

Let’s skip ahead 40 years.  In the current series, Sue has two wonderful kids (one genius and one reality-altering mutant) and her marriage to Reed Richards still holds tight.  The team has their own building, is super rich, and has gained both the respect of the Marvel universe and a massive rogue gallery.  But Namor’s pining for dear Sue hasn’t sunk (sorry) in the least.  We’re going to start with Fantastic Four #6, volume 3, written by Chris Claremont and drawn by Salvador Larocca.

She loves the water.  Reminds her of the ocean.  Though, wouldn’t be a bad idea to return to shore since a certain Atlantean is perving at the bottom of the pool.

After the initial bad first impression, Namor and the Fantastic Four have a sort of weird friendship going on.  And while Namor still isn’t too fond of humanity, he’s not summoning sea monsters to destroy the cities.  Now, Sue rejects his advances.  Every time.  But why does she put up with it for as long as she does? My theory: her husband, the smartest man in the world, is never not busy and almost always emotionally unavailable.  She uses Namor for positive attention.  Don’t feel bad for the king of Atlantis.  He doesn’t really care.

Rejection number one of hundreds.  Though why Sue Richards?  Certainly a man of his status and abs could have practically any woman he so desires.  And he does.  Frequently.  But Namor can only truly respect and love his equals.  Part of having an unwieldy ego.  As proven in Fantastic Four #587, written by Jonathan Hickman and drawn by Steve Epting, that despite the soccer mom persona, the Invisible Woman absolutely stands as his equal.  Oh, and somewhere a few issues back, she became a sea queen.  It happens.

Embarrassed in front of mutant-Triceratops and aqua-Voldemort?  Namor’s not going to stand for that. No matter their past, she better get ready for the beating of her lifetime.

Or not.  The flirting will continue.  She is, after all, magnificent.

Look, Mr. Fantastic’s reputation as a husband isn’t exactly stellar.  Yes, the two love each other deeply and always will – they’re definitely superhero soulmates.  And truthfully, he does the best he can.  Probably.  But keep in mind, Sue ain’t a science genius.  She has very little knowledge or interest in the wacky devices her husband invents.  So he has to take time from exploring microuniverses and making teleporting motorcycles to spend quality time with the missus.  And because he’s a dude, in the secretive company of his friends, he’ll let off some steam and complain. After all, the most influential men in the Marvel universe whining about their significant others takes up the first third of New Avengers: Illuminati #4, written by Brian Michael Bendis and Brian Reed and drawn by Jim Cheung.  Peer pressure and whatnot.

Get ready, because sometimes words can hurt far more than repulsor rays.

It’s not drawn, but I promise if we zoomed in on Reed’s face, you’d see a single rubbery tear run down his face.

Everything I’ve shown you today leads into the Fantastic Four: 1234 miniseries, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Jae Lee.  This story isn’t canon, which means it never actually took place in the “real” Marvel universe.  And you’ll understand why in a few pictures.  Dr. Doom decides to take out the Fantastic Four by targeting them individually.  He finds their biggest weakness and exploits it. Guess what Sue’s is?  Here’s a hint: his costume consists entirely of a speedo.

Though first, Sue and Alicia Masters (Thing’s girlfriend) have some lovely little girl talk.

Now I’m not a girl, and I don’t really know how girl talk works, but I imagine it’s just as poetic and full of metaphors as the above.  Luckily, all this Namor talks comes in handy, because guess who knocks on the front door?

Yes, that’s usually the greeting when a friend stops by.

Unfortunately for him and thank goodness for her, she receives an emergency alert from her brother needing help underground.  Namor tags along, helping the Invisible Woman and disobeying his promise and support to Dr. Doom.  The Atlantean king takes out the mole people and refuses to succumb to his primal dirty urges.  And as Sue thanks the Sub-Mariner, witness the sweetest and most mind-boggling scene in the entire mini-series.

That’s why it’s not canon.  They don’t even hide it.  She smooches sea royalty in front of the Human Torch and the Thing.  And no one mentions this again.  Reed and Sue have a strong marriage. Hopefully.

And on a final note, despite the long history and emotional connection between Namor and Sue, it’s just his nature to pursue unavailable, self-assured women.  He can’t help himself.

Cyclops, Emma Frost’s boyfriend, isn’t even three feet away and he attempts to seduce her. Seriously, it must be comic book magic because I’ll never figure out how his swimsuit could ever possibly hold the size of his balls.

First date with Spider-Man & Ms. Marvel

We all know about Spider-Man (have you seen the movie yet?).  He’s silly, poor, a genius, and full of great responsibility/power.  Also, he just so happens to be single.  And looking at his past relationships, Spider-Man tends to prefer a certain kind of woman.  Attractive, yes, but in comic books, you’d be searching for a long time to find an ugly one.  I don’t know why only models get superpowers.

But most importantly, his women are sassy and tough.  Black Cat was so sassy and tough that their relationship became practically emotionally abusive for Peter Parker.  Though, and this is strictly my personal opinion, of all the superheroes running around, Spider-Man takes more beatings than really any of the others and maybe deep down, a small part of him likes it.  I, of course, have zero proof, no psychology training and my college degree is in English.  But y’know.

Anyway, cut to Ms. Marvel #34, written by Brian Reed and drawn by Paulo Siqueira and Adriana da Silva Melo.  Ms. Marvel, now just plain ol’ Carol Danvers, has been stripped of her powers.  Still, she ain’t going to let stuff like being vulnerable to bullets stop her, so she tries to get some package or something from a warehouse pier full of government goons.  Or something.  I skimmed the issue.

Luckily for her, our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man shows up.

Despite her unfriendly welcome, the two team up and save the day.  The issue concludes with this adorable moment:

She agrees, and thirteen issues later in Ms. Marvel #47, we get to see The Amazing Spider-Date (actual title).  First though, they have to end their shift at work.

With Ms. Marvel’s powers back, I should probably tell you a little bit about her if you’re unfamiliar.

Danvers premiered in 1968 as an Air Force fighter pilot and spy.  She became friends with the alien Kree superhero Captain Marvel and during one of their missions, she got caught in a Kree device explosion – fusing her DNA into half-human, half-Kree.  Luckily for her, that also came with a bunch of cool new superpowers.  Though her years in comics have been fairly tragic.  She’s had lovers murdered, watched her mentor die of cancer, experienced an alien sexual assault/kidnapping, the X-Man Rogue stole all of her powers and memories, fought alcoholism, had her career ruined, and that’s just the tip of it.  But as I’ve said before, what kind of superhero would she be if not for tragedy?  All those powers come with a steep price.

And the extent of her powers?  They’re a doozy.  She’s crazy strong – about equal to The Thing, and unlike him, she still gets to retain her good looks.  Ms. Marvel can fly, possesses super-speed, has near invincibility, is able to shoot energy blasts, and she can absorb all types of energy.  A beastly powerhouse.  In comparison, Spider-Man is one-tenth as strong, cannot fly, and his projectiles are all gooey. Though their personalities are both fantastic.

Oh yeah, the date.

And since Parker gets to be the girl, Danvers has to impress him.  The best society way society has told us how: showing off.

Did I forget to mention that Ms. Marvel’s rich?  She wrote a tell-all book about her time at NASA. Wasn’t a terribly complimentary book.

This story takes place during the Marvel event Dark Reign, where Norman Osborn (Green Goblin) became the head of national security and spent the better part of a year or so hunting down superheroes.  Thank goodness for secret identities.

You know Mystique, Magneto’s former buddy and troublemaker.  While the master of magnetism has reformed in the past decade or so, Mystique still causes a bunch of trouble.  She’s more in Wolverine’s rogue gallery nowadays anyway.

Keep in mind, this is an actual date.  Not a friends getting cotton candy together date, but a real date. The two banter together better than any other Avengers (maybe Hawkeye, but Ms. Marvel’s way prettier) and they get along magnificently.  But I don’t think I’d be wrong in saying that this is the first time the two of them have had any opportunity to talk to each other alone and not about strictly superhero stuff.  Let’s see how it goes.

Despite how bad the date’s going, we’re missing one vital part of every single superhero date in existence.  Did you say random attack by armed bad guys?  Because you’re right.

Write down that one-liner.  You’ll need it next time you’re ambushed at a restaurant.  Since they’re fugitives and their cover’s blown, the two have to cut their dinner short.  But now we finally get to see a real moment between Parker and Danvers.  One that’s genuinely sweet and not totally awkward.

While this is more than enough for me to be satisfied with an article, I’d be a terrible person not to bring up the Siege: Spider-Man one-short that occurred six months later, also written by Brian Reed and drawn by Marco Santucci.  Siege was the finale of Dark Reign, where Norman Osborn and his group of bad guys attacked Thor’s home of Asgard (that floated next to a small town in Oklahoma). This issue was one of the many side issues that went along with the event.

In the fight, Ms. Marvel gets sucked up by the Venom symbiote.  Happens a lot, actually.

But the most important reason for me showing you this issue is in the next few panels:

And Spider-Man’s little mention in the aftermath:

Truthfully, the chances of the two of them having a relationship are slim.  Spider-Man’s destined to get back together with Mary Jane, though that’ll probably take another five to ten years.  And Ms. Marvel just got a promotion to the new Captain Marvel, which should cost her most of her time.  But I promise you that if in the next few weeks or months Spider-Man and Captain Marvel make out, you’ll know.   And I’ll apologize.  A very small apology.

She-Hulk loves Juggernaut

She doesn’t.  I’m lying.  But in 2004, hidden deep in Uncanny X-Men #435, this happened:

And this single panel has sparked years of controversy, lots of retcons, and enormous amounts of jokes.  I’ll explain in a bit.

Jennifer Walters, also known as She-Hulk, happens to be Bruce Banner’s (the Hulk) cousin.  During a mafia-related attack, Walters gets shot and the only compatible blood donor is her big, green cousin. Also, it allowed her to turn into an angry Hulk and thus her adventures began.

Cain Marko, the stepbrother of Professor X, finds a secret temple of the mystical Cyttorak, who gives Marko his Juggernaut powers.  He was a lackey of Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil, and not really much of a finely-tuned mind.  I’m saying he’s dumb.  With his supervillain history, his lack of charm, and his absence of respect in the Marvel universe, you can imagine that readers weren’t too happy with the She-Hulk/Juggernaut one-night stand.  Though, it is hilarious.

As for She-Hulk, how does Marvel distinguish her from being just a female Hulk?  Mainly, she retains all of her intelligence and self-awareness in her Hulk form, can pretty much transform and back at will, and has a successful career as a lawyer.  But most importantly, the timid, unadventurous Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form becomes brave, fun, sexy, powerful, and everything Walters has always wanted to be.  Like an overnight celebrity, just with only benefits.  And as we see in the genius Dan Slott’s She-Hulk series, she uses her uninhibited, unafraid green figure to let go a little bit.

So with her promiscuity firmly established in the comic book world (and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that), let’s start with a quick few panels from her team up with Wolverine.

The superheroines love Wolverine.  I don’t know why.  He’s hairy, short, and probably smells terrible. But I guess you can’t deny that rugged masculinity, though he did just spend the previous page plummeting through a yeti’s chest.  Except Wolverine ain’t having any of She-Hulk’s advances.

Which creates a running joke throughout her series and among the fans.  So much so that a silly four page mini at the back of She-Hulk #25 had her break the fourth wall by barging into the Marvel offices about the Juggernaut claim.

Look, every woman has that one person they regret sleeping with, I know because I’ve been to college.  But comic books are a creative business, aimed at retaining old fans and courting new ones. When writers make unpopular decisions, the company has to create stories that return the status quo or eliminate the decision entirely.  Or simply leave it in and the readers will deal.

When Spider-Man and Mary Jane sacrificed their marriage to the devil (seriously), it was with the belief at giving the newly single Peter Parker a dating life would give writers more story options.  As you can imagine, this decision was crazily unpopular.  And yes, Peter Parker will one day marry Mary Jane again, because they’re meant to be.  But despite fan outcries, Spider-Man is still single, and I think it turned out to be a wonderful choice.  Plus, we can watch the two fall in love again.  Eventually. While She-Hulk shacking up with Juggernaut isn’t anywhere near life-changing, the writers have it in their arsenal.  And Dan Slott used the love incident perfectly for delightful comic effect.

It was brought up for story purposes:

And it was brought up for breaks in action:

In a world where the only limit is the imagination of the writer and artist, how does She-Hulk prove she didn’t sleep with Juggernaut?  Did you say Walters should be transported to an alternative dimension to talk to an alternative She-Hulk?  You’re absolutely right.

Y’see, this She-Hulk slept with Juggernaut, not the She-Hulk we know and love.  But a She-Hulk definitely slept with the Juggernaut.  And you know why this is an okay story device?  Because it’s entertaining, and comic books are first and foremost entertainment.

We wrap this up with a happy ending for everybody!

Well, maybe not everybody: