The whirlwind romance of Dr. Doom and Scarlet Witch
Posted: 08/08/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 5 CommentsY’know, if you list just their resumes, Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom seem like a compatible couple.
Scarlet Witch (real name Wanda Maximoff), born and raised in Eastern Europe, is the daughter of Magneto. She possesses the extremely powerful mutant power to alter reality and control Chaos Magic. Dr. Doom (real name Victor von Doom). also born and raised in Eastern Europe, is the second most powerful sorcerer in the Marvel universe. Plus he’s a technological genius and dictator of the country of Latveria. But will Dr. Doom’s evilness get in the way of a healthy, happy relationship? Don’t worry, he has a plan.
Until 2004, Scarlet Witch had been a card-carrying member of the Avengers. Devastated by the loss of her fictional children that she willed into existence, she took her anger out on the good guys, killing three Avengers and causing 99.9% of all mutants to lose their powers. Permanently. Appropriately, she disappeared for several years.
Cue the miniseries Avengers: The Children’s Crusade #1-9, written by Allan Heinberg and drawn by Jim Cheung. Wiccan, the now perfectly real son willed into existence by the Scarlet Witch, experienced some unstable reality-altering superpowers of his own. Nervous that he’ll go crazy and wipe out another innocent race like her mother, his Young Avengers team goes looking for Wanda. Well, they find her. Unfortunately, she lives in Dr. Doom’s castle and to say he doesn’t like unannounced visitors is like saying Iron Man’s fond of gadgets.
But’s that’s not going to stop Wiccan. After all, he’s a superhero.
Our conflict ignites! Scarlet Witch, unable to remember her origin or history, happens to be quite in love with the supervillain of the Marvel universe. Obviously, this must be a misunderstanding that Wiccan and Dr. Doom can discuss over Latverian tea and the bodies of Doom’s enemies. But that’s not how comic books work. No, this has to happen first:
I always find the most romantic moments in my life also happen next to an unconscious charred teenager. So you want to know some back story? I mean, who could love Dr. Doom (besides Dr. Doom)? Only fair I let the Latverian ruler explain.
Wiccan doesn’t trust Dr. Doom because there are 50 years of comic books telling him not to. Though without his powers, Wiccan’s kind of a wussy, no matter how strong his resolve. Luckily, you know who else doesn’t trust Dr. Doom?
That condition? Nope, not a dirt bike. Escape and all that jazz. Unfortunately, as much as Doom hates surprise visitors coming into his country, he hates surprise visitors trying to leave his country about the same.
Before Dr. Doom could answer a strangely reasonable question, the good guy cavalry arrives. Happens a lot actually. I’m pretty sure that as soon as any superhero gets superpowers, super-timing is thrown in as a packaged deal. Obviously, the Young Avengers bolt.
I’d be remiss not to mention that as reasonable as Scarlet Witch’s demand for honest answers may be, Dr. Doom’s honest answer is just as reasonable. Y’see, amnesia doesn’t solve mental illness, which Wanda has in droves. With Doom’s plan, the Scarlet Witch would have been forever happy as the non-powered queen of Latveria, and Doom would have protected both the planet and married a woman who loved him. Not anymore, because the Avengers and X-Men had to go all pew-pew. Plus, this happens:
Yay, right? Kinda. Sadly, all that newly regained power also comes with a complete recall of her past crimes and atrocities. And her rap sheet is extensive. But what kind of superhero comic would this be if not for a chance at redemption? And after all, her children are back from non-existence!
Unfortunately, the Avengers and X-Men interrupt the tender moment and start punching. Scarlet Witch single-handedly takes down both teams, but you have to buy the comic for that scene. And as the unconscious bodies of superheroes litter the lawn (a common theme in this miniseries), the Scarlet Witch teleports the Young Avengers away. But y’know, not to where they want to go.
Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom are still very much in love. And why not? Despite Dr. Doom’s tendency towards being a jerk and his hideously deformed appearance under that metal armor, it’s not impossible to believe that he genuinely cares for and loves the Scarlet Witch. Look, some supervillains are simple and easy to figure out. Red Skull or Mandarin, for instance, just enjoy destruction and evil. But arguably the two most influential supervillains in the Marvel world, Dr. Doom and Magneto, are majorly complicated with rich, tragic histories ant that may be a testament to their popularity and mass appeal. Just my theory.
Oh, now we get the real story of what happened and why she went crazy.
To be fair, he hasn’t been untrustworthy so far. Sorta. The magical ritual goes off without a hitch, and by that I mean the results are disastrous and the nexus life force or whatever it’s called goes haywire and violent. Though, out of everyone involved, one person certainly benefits. Not Scarlet Witch. She still has her powers. Not Wiccan. He gets all burn-y again. But Doom?
You know who isn’t used to compromising? Victor von Doom. Sadly, being a new superhero for the past minute or two won’t erase all those supervillain instincts. Like an obsession with power, and as much as he loves Wanda (very), he loves power much, much more.
Ah, now that last panel sounds more like the Dr. Doom we know and love. Why won’t these darn superheroes just let him create and rule over a perfect, wonderful world? It’s not like the godlike power will ever corrupt him or make him lose control, right? Actually, I also just summed up the plot of the Avengers vs. X-Men event going on right now.
So they all fight Doom and it goes badly. But Scarlet Witch has a last ditch move that may ultimately take down her former fiance.
As painful as the illumination fire and return to his disfigured body may be, nothing hurts more than his broken heart (sorry). So who’s the victim here? Surely the Scarlet Witch is the villain in this relationship, as she rejected his love over her doubts and lack of trust over his new abilities. But the blame goes to Doom. Once a supervillain, always a supervillain, no matter how many tears he’d be crying if he still had tear ducts.
Safe to assume they’re broken up. But don’t worry about Scarlet Witch. She’s attractive, self-confident, and nowadays dudes don’t mind dating women with kids. Oh, and did you know she went out with Captain America for a while? He’s a catch.
Aquaman’s Sub Diego, Pt. 2
Posted: 08/07/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC Leave a commentYesterday, we saw Detective Aquaman in action. His case: half the city of San Diego had sank after an earthquake, but all the survivors suddenly could breathe underwater – and no longer out of water. The current culprit: a giant machine sea slug. Probably not the real villain. Plus, in part one, we didn’t see a single act of violence. Will Aquaman muster up his aqua-strength and punch that angry monster into a goo that used to be monster?
Nope. An explosion, certainly, but no butt kicking. Though even Superman doesn’t always break up drug gangs, sometimes he gives them stern lectures while dangling them off skyscrapers. Well, this is Aquaman’s stern sea slug lecture. Oh, and his talking-to-fish powers. Though as writer Geoff Johns stated in Aquaman #1, volume 7, he doesn’t really talk to fish, but it’s more a strong connection to sea life. Good vibes or something. I skimmed the issue.
With his third major revelation, something creeps into Aquaman that we haven’t seen yet. Rage. And it’s beautiful. You never thought you’d see these words, but don’t mess with Aquaman.
That’s my absolute favorite entrance into a private residence I’ve seen in comics in a long time.
Superman would stop her at this point, reminding the young teenager that just because this man committed evil acts, we shouldn’t commit those same atrocities to him. Justice, not revenge. But Aquaman isn’t Superman. He takes the Batman approach.
Aquaman totally waterboarded our bad guy, a maneuver that’s been declared as legitimate torture by the United States government. But c’mon, let’s hear our villain out. He did it to save everyone.
And after all the world’s land has been submerged in water, no one will be laughing at Aquaman then! They’ll all be begging for Aquaman’s help after their plans to make rafts out of sea bass fail.
Normally I don’t show flashbacks. I try not to put up more than a third or so of the pages in an issue or arc. But I have to show a piece of this flashback, because Aquaman had the best 1990s costume of all the superheroes. Y’see, comics were changing from the 1970s and 80s. Superheroes were getting darker, angsty, and wearing leather jackets with spikes. The whole comics-aren’t-just-for-kids thing. And while in retrospect, it all looks silly and overly dramatic, I support them 100% for trying something new. Plus, we saw a good decade of Aquaman looking like this:
Full beard, long flowing hair, a golden hook hand, and half a chestplate. Oh, it’s glorious. Superman’s mullet or Azrael’s mecha-Batman don’t even come close. Aquaman, you’re the king of Atlantis, surely you can afford armor that protects both your pecs.
Instead of shipping our bad guy off to Guantanamo Bay, he does the responsible superhero stuff. Redemption and all that jazz. First up, time to humble this mad scientist.
And then to put him to work.
Not exactly a happy ending. Though Lorena does become the new Aquagirl. Unfortunately, the dude didn’t design any cures, plus with the changes in their biology, it’s probably permanent anyway. And since the new aqua-civilians don’t have aqua-strength or aqua-swimming powers, Aquaman’s forced to obligingly take control of the situation.
Here, let him explain the future of the newly named Sub Diego. After all, giving us hope is what superheroes are truly best at.
Aquaman’s Sub Diego, Pt. 1
Posted: 08/06/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 2 CommentsI know people laugh when they hear the name Aquaman. The least useful member of the Justice League! His superpowers involve putting saddles on seahorses! I get it. But Namor, the Marvel version of Aquaman, is well-received and well-loved. What’s the difference? Does Aquaman need to flirt with more married women? Maybe the TV shows made Aquaman out to be a goof. I don’t actually know, though he has been around since the early 1940s, and that’s impressive considering how many superheroes from that era have disappeared.
Y’see, our story, which takes place in the American Tidal arc from Aquaman #15-20, volume 6, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by Patrick Gleason, involves not so much punching fish and swinging tridents as it does heroism and a search for the truth. Please don’t immediately close your browser. I understand, you joke around about how dumb the whole idea of Aquaman is, but at least give me a chance to change your mind. If not his water-based abilities, then his recognition and worthiness as a superhero. Pretty please? Look, this is literally the opening page of the arc:
That must have caught your interest, right? C’mon, pandas don’t live in the water.
So one normal day, a massive earthquake destroys San Diego. Half the city sinks and the loss of life is in the hundreds of thousands. Aquaman arrives on the scene and is appropriately devastated.
Well, Aquaman can’t reverse underwater earthquakes. Especially since it’s a natural disaster and not a psychotic supervillain with a tectonic plate ray gun. It’s not like superheroes can stop problems like hurricanes or tsunamis. Actually, I think Superman can. The Flash too. Batman probably has a tsunami gun on his bat-plane. Either way, he just has to cry salty tears until one night a lead finally shows up.
A child is found on a beach coming from the opposite direction people normally do. Sadly, he dies, but that’s okay because with the help of forensic scientists and our hero’s extensive fish knowledge, Aquaman figures out a terrible secret.
Because Aquaman is a card-carrying Justice League member, he has to address the city. Also most likely because half the city disappeared and people would feel a little better if told a new revelation from a guy who can swim 90 miles per hour. I’m not saying a public announcement is a good idea, but Gotham City would probably be better off if Batman every once in a while was like, “Hey, Mr. Freeze froze all the highways, so maybe drive a little bit slower these next few days.”
Of course, because comic book worlds are infinitely more exciting than real life, he gets interrupted.
Being the responsible superhero, he has Martian Manhunter warp him to the Justice League base on the moon before the girl suffocates. For research purposes obviously, because it’d be way easier just to push her back in the ocean.
You want to see what Lorena saw? Turns out she was on a date with her tattooed, but gentle and hard-working boyfriend when she saw pandas surfing a tidal wave. More importantly, from her memories, Aquaman has his second major realization.
Like the police after a loved one dies, Aquaman, the leading authority figure in the ocean, has to break the news to the survivors of the earthquake. Just as you and I would feel if a fish dude told us we’re forever stuck riding sharks and running jellyfish farms, the survivors are thrilled horrified. Unfortunately, a superhero’s job isn’t just to capture Somali pirate whalers or take down rogue Nazi submarines.
Such as having a truck when friends want to move, possessing super strength and government connections makes Aquaman a very busy man. After all, with great power comes great responsibility and blah blah blah.
But what kind of superhero comic would it be without some danger and conspiracy? Y’see, Aquaman’s dolphin buddy alerted our hero about some weird device. So Aquaman and Lorena go check it out. She’s sort of the sidekick of this arc.
Can you guess the moment things get bad? Yup, right now.
Mutated machine sea slug! About time we saw one of those.
Cliffhanger! We’re going to stop here today, because someone recently told me that people don’t have the time to read a thousand words and forty images every single day. But tomorrow, Aquaman kicks lots of butt and we get our answers. Who’s really behind this earthquake? Are there any possible cures? Why is Aquaman’s left hand made of water? Two of those three will be revealed tomorrow. Hint: the first two.
Thing loves Alicia
Posted: 08/05/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 1 CommentUnlike my previous article title with such a bold claim, this time I mean it. And vice versa. The two are fated to be together, because for all the self-loathing and frustration that comes along with Ben Grimm’s orange rock exterior, Alicia has forever been the permanent reminder that despite his ugly and bulky appearance, someone will always love him. Though when we pick up in our story, they’ve broken up. It happens, relationships are tricky.
Alicia Masters, a blind, gifted sculptress, has been a recurring character in the Fantastic Four comics since their 8th issue in 1962. And she’s not just thrown in as a love interest for the Thing. Nope, this civilian saved the entire world. Y’see, Silver Surfer, the herald who travels to planets on behalf of Galactus (devourer of worlds), crashed into her apartment after a fight with the Fantastic Four. There, Alicia convinced him of all the joy and goodness thriving on Earth and Silver Surfer switched alliances, fought Galactus, and saved the world from being eaten. I’m serious:
Spoiler alert: Earth’s not destroyed.
Anyway, Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic and smartest man in the world) has been patenting, selling, and inventing for over a decade. For every comically large bag of money thrown at him for creating the next world-changing device, he has to spend a fortune repairing the Baxter Building from attacks, covering every business expense, and making up for any revenue losses due to stuff like exploding Fantasticars and dimensional portals sucking in lab equipment.
Because Johnny Storm (Human Torch) and Sue Richards (Invisible Woman) are his brother-in-law and wife respectively, he has legal rights to plunder their bank accounts in case of emergencies. And since they’re superheroes, emergencies are every other issue. But he can’t touch Ben’s money, because “best friend” isn’t legally binding. So when the Thing inquired recently as to exactly how much was in his personal bank account, he learned the exciting truth: he’s a billionaire.
Today, we’re going to take a look at Ben and Alicia during Thing #1-8, volume 2, written by Dan Slott and drawn by Andrea DiVito and Kieron Dwyer. Unfortunately, the series only lasted eight issues, but if you get a chance, it’s a delightful read.
Despite the break up, Ben and Alicia have moved on. Alicia’s dating a sensitive, brilliant artist dude:
And the Thing’s dating a beautiful movie starlet:
Or was dating a beautiful movie starlet. Heaps of money comes with many rewards, like financial stability, unbelievable luxuries, happiness, peace of mind, envy of those around you, a personal chauffeur, and a few dozen more I’m missing, but let Tony Stark tell you, it doesn’t buy love.
Oh, probably forgot to mention the two of them were kidnapped with the other guests at a party and brought to the supervillain Arcade’s murderous amusement park island. My bad. But they’re freed now, because of Alicia (and Daredevil).
Y’know, because Daredevil’s enhanced senses can detect fluctuations in heartbeat, making him a human lie detector. So that’s not intuition he’s using, it’s cold, hard superhero science.
To take Ben’s mind off his lady problems, he decides to put his money to good use, building a recreation center in his old neighborhood off Yancy Street. It’s a tough place, where thugs with hearts of gold who just desire a better life angrily stroll the street with spraypaint and tiny melee weapons. But to build this place, he’s going to need a professional, and with his wealth, he can afford the best in town. Well, when he’s done reminiscing.
What did we learn in those above pages? Yes, the Thing misses Alicia, but more importantly, he has no idea Arlo and Alicia are dating. Not one little clue. Intelligence is mainly Mr. Fantastic’s role on the team.
And just because Arlo sounds like he came out of the musical Rent, he’s not going to lead on Alicia’s ex-boyfriend/giant rock monster.
While Ben can’t let go of his feelings for Alicia, at least he’s happy that she’s happy, which is far more than I can say for most of the relationships I’ve seen unfold on Facebook. But he’s also not going to give up. As you read in an earlier page, her birthday’s coming up, and he promised he’d take her out. If Alicia’s going to dump Arlo, this would be the last chance. Ben’s gotta go big. Oh, and he now has a giant teleporting dog. It lives on the moon.
So where do you take her that’ll wow her into changing her relationship status? How about traveling to the past by dusting off that ol’ time machine Reed Richards keeps in a spare room? If Arlo thinks a mini Venus de Milo can win her over, what chance does he have against the real thing?
Hercules! They’re drinking buddies 2,000 years in the future. But unfortunately, not now. To be fair to Herc, he sees a lovely young lady arguing with a seven-foot tall monster and he decides to step in. Also for a more perverted reason I’m not sharing with you.
They brawl for a while. Heavy hitters are fun to watch fight, because readers don’t have to worry about stuff like grace or acrobatics. I love crazy, complicated battles, but sometimes there’s nothing better than a simple exchange punches from dudes who can lift medium-sized airplanes
Oh, and that statue Hercules knocked the Thing into? Yeah, you don’t need a detective for that. Despite their rocky history (sorry), it’s not hard to believe why Alicia loved Ben in the first place:
Do they get back together? Of course they do, and not with some sort of poetry or chasing her down at the airport, but because Ben uses his brain. Sneakily. Romantically sneakily.
Told you, they’re fated to be together. I’d show you the rest of the issue and the series’ ending, but I actually already covered it in a previous article. Still, nice to see a happy ending once in a while, isn’t it? Always a pleasure to see the rock monster find real love. That and billions of dollars.
I hope this satiated your emotional comic needs, because heads up, the rest of this week is a sucker punch to your tear ducts. Oh, and Aquaman. Lots of Aquaman.
Black Panther vs. Morlun
Posted: 08/02/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 5 CommentsThe last day of Morlun week! Today, the totem-vampire Morlun takes on Wakanda’s Black Panther! Since this is the first Black Panther article, I want to go briefly into the history and identity, but we should probably bring our antagonist back from the dead first.
There’s our psychopath. Once he gets clothes, it’ll be time for his African invasion. An army of one.
Y’see, real countries do exist in the Marvel universe. They all do. But when you have dictators or kings, fictional countries tend to be better to avoid angry letters and diplomatic situations. That’s why we have Dr. Doom’s tiny eastern European country of Latveria, the Asian crime haven of Madripoor, the slave island nation of Genosha, and of course, Black Panther’s Wakanda.
A long time ago, a meteorite made of vibranium crashed into the tiny African country. Vibranium, also known as the material that Captain America’s shield is made out of, is a lightweight metal that absorbs and nullifies all vibrations and force thrown at it. As you can imagine, vibranium armor (or shields) can take hits from energy blasts, bullets, explosions, etc. with almost zero damage. So it’s crazy valuable and fortunately, Wakanda holds almost the entire world’s supply, easily making the nation one of the wealthiest and most technologically advance countries on the planet. When the nation’s leaders announce with pride that Wakanda has never been conquered by a foreign power, that’s no lie.
And at the top of the Wakanda political chain is Black Panther, the designated title of the king or queen. To become the Black Panther, you still have to be born into the royal family, but you also have to earn the blessing of the Panther God. Look, that’s just how it works. T’Challa, the most widely known Black Panther, has been around since 1966, making him the first mainstream black superhero in American comics. T’Challa happens to be a super genius naturally (confirmed as one of the eight smartest people on the planet), but with the Panther God’s blessing, he has superhuman strength, agility, and tracking abilities. Also, he’s married to the X-Man Storm.
On to our story, we pick up with Black Panther #3-6, volume 5, written by Reginald Hudlin and drawn by Ken Lashley. T’Challa got caught in an ambush and is currently in a coma fighting skeletons in some death limbo (read it yourself). But Morlun’s on his way and it looks like the last line of defense resides in T’Challa’s sister, Shuri. But she is the final trump card, so let’s see how the first few maneuvers go.
Okay, not well. Though I think the Wakandan dude is way more shocked that Morlun’s skirt survived the explosions. Look, we’ve seen Morlun’s toughness all week. A few hundred missiles ain’t going to take him down. Shuri, you’re up. Bad time to mention this is her first time donning the costume?
Let’s not forget the reason for Morlun’s supervillainy. To live, he needs to absorb the energy of animal “totems,” men or women chosen by animal avatars or something like that. Black Panther totally qualifies since he’s a good half a planet away from our pal Spider-Man. And while not a terribly angry guy, Morlun’s not going to let a spear through the torso go unpunished. I mean, he has a reputation.
So the fight’s not going too well. But Black Panther has a plan. Keep in mind, she doesn’t even come close to Spider-Man’s strength, speed, and agility, and he got his butt handed to him. If you wonder how she can take the brutal hits Morlun dishes, her costume’s made of vibranium mesh instead of Spider-Man’s costume, which is mainly the same stuff gymnasts use in their leotards.
I agree, that’s a really nice jet bike. Vibrainium brings in a hefty profit, trust me. And besides looking cool and flying, the bike has one more nifty feature perfect for capturing dangerous supervillains.
While it’s a net made of adamantium, will it hold Morlun’s crazy super strength? No way.
She doesn’t. I hate to spoil stuff for you, but I’m sure you could have figured that out on your own. Also, she’s really just going along with the secret plan we don’t know about yet. Morlun’s like a Hulk. Because he’s so unbelievably strong, he can simply punch his way through any obstacles. The quickest way to any place is a straight line, and Morlun will just kick down any walls that might make him go around. But this is Wakanda, a nation that succeeded mainly because of their genius and ingenuity. That and shamans.
Hey, remember that skeleton army death limbo side story that T’Challa and Storm are hanging out in? Well, guess which shaman has the key to that spiritual doorway?
And Morlun’s forever trapped. Yay! Since this is currently his last appearance in Marvel comics, we can just assume that he’s still there fighting the infinite amount of undead minions. He deserves worse, but with his bad habit of being resurrected from the dead, maybe this’ll be the safest for our honorable crime fighters. And Shuri? Well, she gets to keep the Black Panther title and become queen. You and I both agree she earned it, right? Spider-Man certainly would.
Next week we’ll have some happy stories. Well, at least one.
Spider-Man takes on Morlun, Pt. 3
Posted: 08/01/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 11 CommentsComic books are famous for a revolving door of death. Characters and villains who get killed usually get resurrected after a few months/years. It’s silly to whine about. Peter Parker got his superpowers by getting bit by a radioactive spider and we choose to complain that the Green Goblin somehow returned from the dead? So after Morlun’s demise in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man #35, he somehow comes back five years later. How? No one knows, and really, that’s not important.
In The Other, a 12 issue crossover event, Spider-Man gets a blood test and finds out he’s dying. No cure, no hope, nothing. Ouch. Written by Peter David, Reginald Hudlin, and J. Michael Straczynski throughout the pages of Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #1-4, Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #19-22, and Amazing Spider-Man #525-528. Spider-Man has to learn to accept his upcoming death. Oh, and births himself. It’s weird. Anyway, Morlun’s story takes place mostly in the middle. We’re going to read parts of it together.
Before they brawl, Morlun shows up a few times to warn Spider-Man of what’s ahead. Like Spider-Man’s face getting caved in.
Rinse and repeat a few more times. But despite his sociopathic tendencies, you can’t say Morlun’s not a man of his word.
Hoping for any new revelations or situations regarding their repeat fight? Nope. Morlun’s (probably) the toughest opponent Spider-Man has ever faced, and in the wake of his soon-to-be death, Parker must prove himself worthy to live his final few days. Remember, Morlun’s after Spider-Man’s “life essence,” the energy he gives out by being the spider “totem.” If that’s confusing, I covered it in my detail in parts one and two.
Notice that Spider-Man’s doing fairly better than last time. Normally I use this opportunity to next show the opposite of what I just proclaimed. Not this time.
Well, for a few more pages at least. Now Spider-Man gets his butt handed to him.
Yup, this looks familiar. So what’s next? Where he musters up the last bit of his strength and courage to strike back at his tormentor? Absolutely. That’s why we read comics in the first place.
Poor Spider-Man. This is the moment he swings from the scene victorious and into the loving arms of Mary Jane. The Avengers all pat him on the back and life continues as normal, just with more wisdom and confidence. But not this time. He only won the first story with Ezekiel’s sudden assistance and a large injection of radiation. Unfortunately, now he has neither. Which means Morlun wins.
Well, at least he went out the proper superhero way instead of slowly succumbing to his mysterious illness. Sadly for Morlun, his feasting time gets interrupting by New York’s finest. But don’t worry, he’s a very patient man.
What now? The cops have to remove his mask, breathing worries and such. With his identity out in the public, how will that affect his widow and family?
Or not. Ouch. Well, he’s not exactly dead, but let’s be fair, there’s no coming back from that.
I’m going to spoil: the Avengers don’t make it in time. Which leaves Parker’s defense up to only one warrior. Who’s brave enough to fight the man who killed a superhero? It would take tremendous balls to blindly attack the strongest supervillain in Spider-Man’s rogue gallery. Or at least good looks.
Does she stand a chance? Well, Mary Jane’s a supermodel, not a superhero. Also, she has no idea who Morlun is or what he’s capable of. But she’s about to find out.
That last panel remains super important. Understanding the “totem” being a mix of man and animal, so while the man has been destroyed by Morlun, he’s not just a man. Finally Morlun will truly understand who’s he up against and why he should never, ever have hurt the single most important person in Spider-Man’s life.
Remember when I mentioned briefly in part one that a major theme of the first half of the 2000s was whether Spider-Man’s power source was science or magic? Here’s an argument for the latter.
Awesome, right? Arm spikes! Let me try to explain. Besides being super cool, this was the start of a transformation for the comic book version of Spider-Man. Y’see, comics are a business, and the movie version (with Toby McGuire) had just recently came out. Well, what better time to get new fans into comics, right? It’s good for the industry, and commonly, Marvel will adjustment their characters accordingly. Since movie Spider-Man had organic web shooters, time for comic Spider-Man to get some too. Except Parker can’t just wake up one day with some random evolution.
The Other event allowed Spider-Man to get some new neato powers, like the spikes, organic webs, night vision, among others. Why? Well, why not? Though in 2007, during the deal he makes with the demon Mephisto to save Aunt May’s life at the expense of his and Mary Jane’s marriage, his extra powers all disappeared. So now he’s back to how he was before The Other, though that’s how the comic book status quo always works.
Anyway, with Morlun perished once more and Mary Jane saved, the two embrace one final time.
He’s dead. I’m not lying this time. But with his passing, The Other still has five more issues to go. What happens to him and how does he come back to life? Sorry, you have to go read and find out, because Morlun week isn’t over.
Tomorrow, witness Morlun’s last appearance in the Marvel universe (so far). He goes toe-to-toe with Black Panther. In Africa. I’m excited too.
Spider-Man takes on Morlun, Pt. 2
Posted: 07/31/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 2 CommentsWe’ll pick up right where we left off. Y’know, where old man Ezekiel tells Spider-Man he has no chance and is going to die. What a bummer. Unfortunately, as I said yesterday, the minute Spider-Man loses Morlun, the supervillain will just kill civilians and wreck the city until Spider-Man shows up again. Sure, Spider-Man just got caught in an explosion a few minutes before, but he has to jump right back into the action. Mainly because Morlun’s a jerk:
Maybe Peter Parker should invest in a spider-coat, because I don’t think any tailor is good enough to sew that outfit back together. Witness Spider-Man’s nerd rage against Morlun’s supervillainy. And by the way, Morlun’s the perfect supervillain. Every action he takes is for the completion of his own selfish goals. He spews apathy and disregard for anyone or anything who gets in his way, no matter how many lives are ruined or how much destruction is caused. Well, that and a significant satisfaction when the hero fights back. And oh, does he fight back.
Game over? Well, no, because this is the just the start of the article. But as painful as the fight was, the getaway isn’t any less joyous.
Now Spider-Man has like five or six minutes before Morlun catches up to him. Probably less. Spider-Man’s hit that well-dressed hippie with every ounce of strength and move in his arsenal. He knows he’s going to lose. And if you only have a few moments left before you’re pounded into mush and drained of your life force, what would you do? I know you as the reader aren’t blasting Enya while you read these, but please understand the emotional intensity in the next scene. He makes the last phone call of his life.
Luckily, in the first good news since this arc began, Spider-Man finally has some help. Not Hulk or X-Men help, but still help. And oh, how it’s sweet.
You have to buy the comic book to see the process through which Ezekiel changes his mind. But he does. Y’see, Ezekiel, having the same powers as Spider-Man, also qualifies as a “totem” that Morlun wants to absorb. So with the extra muscle comes far higher stakes.
Look, Parker’s not Reed Richards smart. Or Bruce Banner smart or Tony Stark smart or Hank Pym smart or T’Challa smart or you get the idea, but he does have all the makings of a science genius. And with his high science IQ, he examines, studies, and realizes a neat little truth about his seemingly invincible opponent.
Well, with Morlun fast approaching and Spider-Man’s final act of desperation underway, everything we’ve seen and every attack that’s been thrown has led up to this moment. Has Morlun drank his last cappucino?
Morlun didn’t know today would also be educational. Let Spider-Man explain. Using science.
After four issues of Morlun smacking around Spider-Man while Spider-Man futilely defends himself, the tide has finally turned. What follows is a good half an issue of Parker just pounding on Morlun. I’ll show you one or two of the highlights.
Eventually because fights have winners and losers, the radiation takes a toll on our antagonist. Struck against the wall of the laboratory (symbolically), we see his true form, his final plea, and the thrilling conclusion.
Victory! With that, Spider-Man’s broken bones, charred back, massive radiation poisoning, and bruised everything can finally heal. He does heal at an accelerated rate, but I’m talking a few days instead of a year and a half of surgery and rehabilitation. Oh, and he should probably take care of the final loose end:
Besides the crazy beating Spider-Man endures, what makes this story so important? Ezekiel does return for an awesome story a few arcs later (that you should find and read), but it’s nothing long-lasting. Y’see, the fight against Morlun changes the series for a good decade. Because of this:
Yeah, that’s a big deal.
Morlun week continues tomorrow with his resurrection and return. Oh, and I hope you like punching, because by comparison, it makes these first two parts look like a birthday party.
Spider-Man takes on Morlun, Pt. 1
Posted: 07/30/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 5 CommentsIt’s Morlun week! Nope, not a drunken misspelling of King Arthur’s wizard. The next four days will chronicle Morlun’s entire appearance in the Marvel universe: about 14 issues and 3 arcs. He’s minor for sure, but this supervillain may be the most dangerous foe Spider-Man has ever fought. I’m not just saying that to get you to read my article, I promise.
Now, because I’m not exactly sure how Fair Use applies to comic books (and the fights are practically every page of the issues), I’m only going to show you like a third to half the pages of their fights. The goal of this blog is to get you to go out and buy comics anyway, so you have to plop down some money to see the whole thing (also the whole I don’t want to have to take down my website). Before we start though, let’s talk about Peter Parker!
Spider-Man’s my favorite superhero. I’ll freely and proudly admit it to friends, family, dates, etc. But let’s be fair, he’s not exactly one of the heavy hitters of the Marvel universe. He couldn’t take Thor or Hulk, for instance. Heck, remember this scene from Amazing Spider-Man #534?
And keep in mind, Spider-Man’s far stronger, faster, and more agile than Captain America. But regardless of his shortcomings, he’s relentless, smart, and has immense moral integrity. I’m saying Spider-Man would beat the crap out of Hawkeye.
Anyway, we go back to Amazing Spider-Man #30-35, volume 2, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by John Romita Jr. This arc actually won the 2002 Eisner award for best serialized story, which are the Oscars for comics. Parker just took a job as a science teacher at his old high school and life’s not too bad (a sharp contrast from around the previous 40 years of Spider-Man comics). Then, he suddenly an old man named Ezekiel finds him, who just so happens to have the exact same powers as dear Parker. More importantly, turns out Ezekiel has some inside information about an upcoming threat. Y’know, Morlun.
Let me explain about Morlun. Turns out certain superheroes and villains throughout history have been animal “totems,” essentially a combo between men and animals. This Morlun has traveled the world hunting down these totems, because he needs occasionally to drain “life force” from these totems in order to live. I mean, a really good totem could subsist him for a hundred years or so, and unfortunately, Spider-Man fits the profile. This story is actually the start of the idea that last from the first half of the 2000s that maybe Spider-Man’s powers are more magical than scientific, which is a super cool idea.
Anyway, Morlun found out what city Spider-Man lives in, waited until the Fantastic Four/Avengers were out of town, and attempts to draw him out.
I wasn’t lying when I said Morlun may possibly be the most dangerous enemy Spider-Man’s ever fought. Y’see, besides hitting crazy hard, he has some extra scary perks. Not a good day for Spider-Man. Oh, but Morlun will tell you.
Spider-Man totally has this. Check out this montage:
But I don’t think I’ve been clear enough. What’s so hardcore about a well-dressed long-haired strongman? I mean, he doesn’t have electric powers or a flying glider or anything.
I guess he can also absorb life force from normal people too. Even nice people who just want to know if the man who fell fifteen stories isn’t dead. Spider-Man doesn’t have a rage problem, but he’ll get plenty angry. Remember this incident? And sucking energy out of innocent civilians certainly helps rile our hero up.
If you like punching, this arc is about 90% punching. Just saying.
So what’s the problem with running away for a little bit to recover? Well, two main setbacks. First, Morlun can track him. And second, the minute Spider-Man gets too far away, Morlun’ll kill civilians and wreck the city until Spider-Man fights him again. And sadly, for all his spider-powers, spider-healing is not one of them.
Yes, let’s cheer together! Spider-Man’s fought hundreds of bad guys thousands of times and he’s come out on top every single time. One vampire-ish dude in a trench coat ain’t going to be the one who does him in. Though as you know, Morlun fights dirty.
Sure, Morlun only has one henchman, but to be fair, that’s one more than you or I have. Unless you are a supervillain, in which case I apologize and please don’t hurt me.
Can you guess who Spider-Man’s mysterious benefactor might be? I’m going to spoil it: Ezekiel. That dude runs a major corporation, has extensive knowledge about our antagonist, and has had spider-powers for decades. He’ll definitely have some good advice.
Well, that sucks. To be continued indeed!
Magneto’s clone problem, Pt. 2
Posted: 07/29/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel Leave a commentWe’ll pick up right where we left off on Friday. Magneto’s clone has decided he’s going to do that whole replace the original guy fantasy all clones dream about in their little clone beds.
Round two, buddy.
Not Magneto.
That’s Magneto.
Pay attention to Magneto’s face during this battle. That’s not the face of a hero. This miniseries isn’t going to lie to you. Like what Magneto does next:
Do you know why Magneto’s constantly rated as one of the top supervillains of all time? Part of it’s definitely because he can control giant planes and crash them into his opponents. But the commanding large vehicles idea builds a following. Time for Joseph to counter with some wheels of his own.
Trust me, this is the best train chucking fight you’ve ever seen. I even cut a page or two. The main difficulty in writing Magneto remains getting him into locations that happen to be Magneto-friendly. And by that I mean lots of big stuff to throw around. Oh, I guess also the politics and philosophical situations revolving around Magneto’s personal beliefs and aspirations. But mostly places to barrage dudes with transportation.
Why he saves those people is up for debate. Certainly he’s at least attempting to do some good, as that’s kind of the whole point of the X-Men. And Magneto isn’t about to let innocent civilians perish in this grudge match. Maybe. I don’t know, but he does end this fight with a single blow. As the master of magnetism should.
And now the final ramblings of a beaten supervillain. It’s an important tradition.
Breathe in this moment. Magneto has spent his entire adult life fighting humanity, spewing the exact hate-fueled rhetoric about humans as the man spills bile about mutants. They’re angry and aggressive, but they’re still just civilians. Professor X would turn the other cheek. Cyclops would attempt to pacify the situation. The Avengers would flee the scene. And Magneto?
He slaughters them. After all, that’s how Magneto’s dealt with humans for over a half century and old habits die hard. Emphasis on the dying and hard. A tragic moment certainly, but he’s never truly claimed the title of superhero. The path to redemption and rehabilitation is long and arduous. And for Magneto? Baby steps:
Magneto’s clone problem, Pt. 1
Posted: 07/26/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel Leave a commentYou don’t have to look far and deep to find proof of Magneto’s villainy. The master of magnetism commands absolute power of metal, magnetic fields, and probably stuff like blood pressure and mercury poisoning. He’s not a good man, broken by the atrocities he experienced in the Holocaust and from his misguided attempts at mutant superiority through blood and war. Magneto certainly claims the title of the most influential and dangerous enemy the X-Men have ever fought.
But not anymore. Nope, now Magneto’s an actual X-Man, dating Rogue (half his age), and saving mutantkind from evildoers. Except as much as he fights alongside Cyclops, Wolverine, and the gang, 70 years of bad behavior isn’t going to disappear overnight. And unfortunately, something to reinforce that happened recently in the Magneto: Not a Hero miniseries, written by Skottie Young and drawn by Clay Mann.
I get it. Mutants are really easy to hate. They have scary powers. Some have scales and feathers. But think about it: how many of the mutants, if they really put forth effort, can take down, say, a tank? Like half, right? If every time someone makes a mutant hate speech, there’s an actual substantial risk that a bird man can fly in and drop off an egg that shoots lasers or whatever, how often would these little get-togethers happen? And unfortunately, these bigoted jerks have to learn that lesson the hard way.
You’re a perceptive audience. You’ve noticed the title of the article and can safely assume that’s not the Magneto we know and love. Definitely not the Magneto who’s dating the fiery crawfish and shoved it in Gambit’s smug handsome face. Looks like the X-Men have to do a little PR.
So Magneto, not quite as intimidating in a purple button-down, has to go find and deal with this impostor before the Avengers are forced to take action against the X-Men. I mean, the Avengers do take action against the X-Men, but that’s a totally different Marvel event. And that event has way less metal chucking.
Enjoy monologues by crazy supervillains? I hope so. Evil plans don’t explain themselves.
Good advice for later: clones don’t like to be reminded they’re inferior. Probably the same way with twins. Unfortunately, Joseph is every bit as strong as Magneto. And just as important, you only get to sucker punch Magneto once.
Have you ever read a superhero comic where the protagonist faces even odds? Of course not. Superhero stories are fun because the good guys are always outmatched. But what’s so terrifying about a clone? Well, what about plural?
An entire (deformed) Brotherhood of Mutants! Magneto gets to fight his old gang while wearing slacks and a t-shirt. Though, let’s make one thing clear. There’s a reason Magneto led the team.
Despite his fancy X-Men membership card, killing dangerous and evil bad guys isn’t really a deal breaker. I mean, he probably shouldn’t brag to Cyclops or anything, but even Wolverine hacks up a dozen or so people an issue.
As you can tell, Joseph has something more mysterious and sinister going on. Unfortunately for you, I’m not going to get into it. As a quick note, it involves conspiracies, corporate espionage, and arrogant backstabbing. Y’see, that last little rumble was the warm up. Magneto’s pissed, and nothing excites me more than the most powerful of characters “letting go.” Sure, it’s fun to watch the Hulk uppercut a giant lizard or something, but when he hits the giant lizard so hard that its torso changes from solid to liquid, my friends are going to hear about it. In a loud passionate recap. Whether that want to or not. Usually not.
Round 2’s on Monday, kiddos. Who’ll win? Will it be Magneto? Or Magneto?
Arousing Grammar 