The complete story of Bill and Kelda, Pt. 4

The end of our tale has arrived.  It’s been full of passion, heartbreak, and lightning bolts.  We pick up immediately where we left off as Kelda, in an attempt at redemption or to lessen her guilt or simply out of moral integrity, visits Bill’s parents to tell them about their son’s death.  Of course they’re upset, but not as much as a squad of Norman Osborn’s trigger-happy soldiers lying in wait on the front lawn. Because while Bill’s family forgives Kelda, inspires her to move on, and patches up her gaping emotional wound, it’s Kelda herself who has to take that baby step forward to being happy once more. Though impaling bad guys with ice spears must be at least a little therapeutic.

She arrives at Asgard in the aftermath of Siege, the event that turned Asgard into a pile of magical rubble.  Oh, and how do you feel about thrilling plot twists?

Bill died a hero’s death, even killing one of the grosser-looking Asgardian traitors as Bill breathed his final breaths.  And in the Norse mythology which Thor’s Asgard is based on, soldiers who die valiantly in battle spend eternity in Vahalla — where they war in the morning and dine in the evening.  Repeat forever.  It’s Viking Heaven.  And damn right does Bill deserve a place in these halls.

Now, our protagonists live in a world of magic and aliens and miracles — if there is any universe where Kelda can find a way to reunite with her soulmate, it’s Marvel’s.  But despite her ability to summon tornadoes with the flick of the wrist, her necromancy isn’t at the same skill level.  Or probably allowed. And as you know, when all avenues have been explored and favors called in, those desperate enough often turn to more unethical methods.  Like Kelda lighting child Loki on fire.

Yes, that’s definitely not the Kelda we remember.  But standing next to Kelda, the chief witch or shaman queen or druid boss or whatever she’s called has offered our hero a deal: if Kelda’ll help her with one tiny harmless spell, she’ll bring Bill back to life.  Y’see, Thor died during the Marvel event Fear Itself.  Taking advantage of this opportunity, the evil magician lady used Kelda to summon forth Tartarus, a dude who took Thor’s place in the mind of all of those who knew him.  Except child Loki.

Look, I understand that for all the good Kelda represents, it’s odd to see her as an villain’s accomplice. Though the sheer number of superheroes have done some vicious things for their loftier goals is staggering.  Seriously, the Avengers and X-Men alone have been to Hell dozens of times just to pull one of their buddies free.  If they can make deals and punch demons, why can’t Kelda dabble in the dark arts for her true love?  We all know that Bill’s worth it.

Poor Kelda’s too obsessed to notice the wizard lady’s lying.  That’s the problem with working for supervillains — they so rarely keep their promises.  Plus, as most supervillains partnerships end, we can only look forward to blood and tragedy.  Our goddess has done so much and sacrificed even more for a mere chance of a reunion, but we as readers know the only way this can play out — and it’s so frustrating to watch.

I wish I had better news, but even goddesses can’t survive their faces getting ripped open.  It’s a wildly (and maybe unnecessarily) violent death for Kelda, but we must remember that she died pursuing truth.  And justice if she hadn’t gotten knifed.  Tricked or not, Kelda died fearlessly facing down vile and horrific opponents, and well, there’s a funny thing about a death like that.

While big-time superheroes can never sail off into the sunset to their expected bliss (it’d hurt profits), minor characters don’t have those same shackles.  Our two lovers are free to experience an ending that they deserve.  That we deserve.  So as our love story concludes today, I have never been more excited to announce that we finish the only way I would ever accept — brilliantly, romantically, and eternally happy.

See you on Monday!  I hope you have the best weekend!

The complete story of Bill and Kelda, Pt. 3

We don’t need a lengthy introduction, right?  Bill died at the hand of Asgardian traitors and Kelda’s out for revenge on those that killed him.  Like Loki and Doctor Doom.  But y’see, while Loki’s the god of trickery and mischief, the evil doctor doesn’t bother with smokescreens and wild goose chases.  You want him?  He’s in that giant castle with his likeness plastered on it.  Go get him.

Kelda is no pushover.  She has all that Asgardian super strength and durability as well as that whole summoning lightning and ice from the heavens thing.  But let’s be fair: Doctor Doom’s normal battles are when he fights the entire Fantastic Four at once.  To be the arch-nemesis of an entire team of superheroes takes some tremendous skill.

Doom’s not exactly a shoulder to cry on.  Remember that one story where he sacrificed his childhood lover just for a fraction more of magical power?  Dude isn’t terribly sentimental, but this conversation does bring up an interesting point — Doctor Doom knew who Bill was.  Someone told the ruler of Latveria and quite possibly the Marvel universe’s busiest supervillain about a sword-wielding human in a backwards baseball cap running around the Latverian forest.  In a way, to have a baddie of Doom’s fame speak of Bill brings about a weird sort of honor in itself.

But honestly?  Blast the crap out of Doctor Doom — that’s not the eulogy Bill deserves.

See the gorgeous symbolism?  A Doombot rips her beating heart out, just like Bill’s death did emotionally.  Oh, and if you’re unsure, Asgardians totally need their hearts to live.  Look, despite her being ambushed/sudden organ removal, we knew that Kelda could never take down Doctor Doom. The man has complete mastery of both technology and magic, hundreds of robots who can do the same thing, and his monologues only occur after he’s disabled his opponent.  Also, did you know Doctor Doom doesn’t wear pants?  I never thought about that until right now.

Luckily, Kelda’s death wouldn’t serve the purpose Doctor Doom hopes it would.  He’d much prefer to use her to mock and belittle Thor and friends instead of simply stuffing her body in a demon dimensional portal or something and forgetting about her.

So you know who doesn’t take teasing very well?  A superhero who has absolutely zero fear of anything Doctor Doom could ever do or say?  Someone who’s major decision process hinges on how tough it’d be to clean blood off his hammer?

Kelda survives.  Loki saves her life actually.  He mainly does it to further his evil plot which I’m not going to cover, but she does survive because of Loki’s interference.  Though what kind of life could she enjoy now?  She has lived for thousands of years and will live for thousands more, yet that brave bumpkin from Oklahoma brought forth a passion and devotion inside her that she may have never felt previously (y’know, because it would take that level of commitment to attempt a zapping of Marvel universe’s most powerful supervillain).

Recall the first part of our story: Bill essentially abandoned his friends and family to pursue a new life with Kelda in Latverian Asgard.  Which means no one back in Broxton, Oklahoma knows about his death.  Because Asgardians don’t have an official means of alerting loved ones of a death in battle — they light the corpse on fire in a boat — our mourning goddess has to fulfill the responsibility herself. Now’s a good time to get your tissues ready.

There’s no worse conversation when two parties disagree despite only the truth spoken from both. But unfortunately, Kelda falls victim to one of the many unspoken superheroes laws — anything done that’s honest and kindhearted will be interrupted by combat.  Every time.  Every situation.

Norman Osborn, complete with his evil Avengers and the full force of the American government, launches an attack on Asgard at this exact moment.  And I don’t care what anyone says, I adored Siege.  But as we reminisce on how compassionate and loving Bill was — the same reasons Kelda fell in love with him (much like how the horizon loves the sunrise) — those admirable traits of his were totally inherited.  The Cobbs won’t let anyone be gunned down on their front lawn, even the woman indirectly responsible for their son’s death.

Her strength and will has finally settled on the correct direction.  We wrap up today with not a complete redemption from Kelda, but definitely the glimmer of one. Tomorrow our tale ends and you can finally rest easy as the final fates of Bill and Kelda engulf your sweet dreams of hope and romance. Because trust me — even after four days, three thousand words, and seventy eight images — our finale’ll be worth every single moment.

The complete story of Bill and Kelda, Pt. 2

Let’s not delay this love story, shall we?  As we left off, Bill Cobb Jr. (human diner chef) joined his love Kelda Stormrider (Asgardian ice goddess) aboard the teleporting Asgard. Y’see Loki, in all his primal trickery, manipulated current Asgardian king Balder to exile Thor and bring all the gods and goddesses to Latveria.  If you ever forget, Latveria is the tiny European country ruled by Doctor Doom’s iron fist.  Also, a fine place for hopes and dreams and freedoms to die a brutal death.  But can you argue the power of love?  It makes men do strange things, like sending Bill into the midst of angry Asgardian politics when his only real brush with danger before this is getting too close to the grill. Still, you see what Kelda looks like — that’s a level of beauty only possible on a fictional scale.

We forget that despite Bill’s whole mortality and public school education, he does have a unique advantage his Asgardian roommates do not — perspective.  This man has lived on Earth his whole life. He’s seen all the footage and Internet websites and Mr. Fantastic wrapping around his arch-nemesis like a rack of spinning shawarma.  Doctor Doom’s only language consists of open threats, veiled threats, and backstabbing.  But all these Asgardians?  They don’t meddle in the affairs of the silly Midgard mortals, and Bill may be the only one in the entire city that realizes the approaching danger.

Yes, I imagine you can probably see where this is going.  Bill’s a unbreakable pillar of moral integrity and bravery, but he’s also a young kid in a backwards baseball cap with zero kung fu experience.

Idioms tend not to have the same effect on foreigners.  And while Bill alone stands absolutely no chance of winning a fight against three giant, muscular, eye patch-wearing warriors, he doesn’t fight this battle alone.  Because sure, he can’t win, but his girlfriend can.

Are you sad that there’s less flirty banter than the first part?  Don’t you worry, because a near-death experience prompts Bill and Kelda to lie in sensual anticipation with the three most romantic symbols of Asgardian culture: a bed, fine clothing, and heavy weaponry.

Kelda’s genuinely funny, a quality you don’t see from too many Asgardians.  I mean it.  Go back and read her jokes — they’re delightful.  And yes, I bet that Bill’s mission could wait until morning, but that’s not how heroes work.  Because despite not being super, Bill still possesses that trait all superheroes have that won’t let them do anything enjoyable or fun until only after every major gnawing feeling has been removed or dealt with.  And sadly for Kelda, love has trouble rising from any pond drenched in the rotting aura of Doctor Doom.  I’m saying that evil dude’s up to something.

With all the gods’ beauty and adventures and mead, it turns out that being thousands of years old can create some emotional disconnections.  Of course, Bill has that passion and fiery spirit Kelda has been searching millenniums for — he’s one of our two protagonists, after all.

And this is where everything goes really, really bad.  To simplify Doctor Doom and Loki’s plot, they capture and dissect Asgardians to use their organs as parts for god-weapons, immortality, and other mad scientist stuff.  But the truth won’t come crashing down that easy.  First, Bill has to fight.

Remember yesterday how I mentioned that not all Asgardians get cool lightning or ice powers? Poor Balder does inherit some minor superpowers, but this fight’ll have to rely on his sword and skill alone. Your sadness welling up deep in your heart aside, Bill’s sacrifice is not in vain — it’s time for the supervillains to be revealed.

As despairing as this is, it’s totally a risk Bill knew he’d have to face.  He’s fighting gods while he’s wearing jeans, for goodness’ sake.  And truthfully, Bill’s the perfect type of character we read comics for — the underdog unrelentingly pursuing justice against odds far beyond his own capability.  At least his death will inspire others in a far more visceral manner than his life ever did.  And of course, break Kelda’s heart.

Bill and Kelda’s love story is far from over — I have over thirty images left to show — but Bill’s demise does bring about two important life-altering realizations: Balder’s realization that Doctor Doom and Loki plan the destruction of the entire Asgardian people and, most importantly, no one murders Kelda Stormrider’s lover without feeling the full unimaginable force of an actual weather goddess.

Tomorrow, my friends.  I can’t wait.