The adventures of Sportsmaster

I’m still utterly delighted reading about the supervillain Sportsmaster.  He has no superpowers, just a baseball bat and delusional dreams.  While you can imagine a man named Sportsmaster has no place in modern superheroics (ex: the New 52), his past journeys and battles will always have a place in our open hearts.  Seriously, think Mark McGuire if he turned to a life of crime.

Today, we’ll be checking out in order:
Detective Comics #786, written by Ed Brubaker and drawn by Patrick Zircher
Batman: The Brave and the Bold #11, written by J. Torries and drawn by Carlo Barberi
Batman Adventures #6, written by Ty Templeton and drawn by Rick Burchett
Final Crisis Aftermath: Run! #2-3, written by Matthew Sturges and drawn by Freddie Williams II
Infinity Inc. #35, written by Roy & Dan Thomas and drawn by Todd McFarlane
JSA Classified #5, written by Jen Van Meter and drawn by Patrick Olliffe

So have you heard this story before?

Y’see, the first Green Lantern Alan Scott, who wore less of a uniform and more a gaudy Las Vegas magician’s outfit, has a secret weakness.  Only one weapon can defeat the man wielding the most powerful weapon in the universe: wood.  Luckily, my dear friend Reid Vanier explains it in detail for us. Thanks buddy!

Alan Scott – his weakness to wood is a result of the Starheart (the green flame that gives him his power) deriving its power from green, living things. So employing the “you can’t defend against yourself” logic, the Starheart cannot defend Alan Scott against anything made of plant matter, specifically wood. This comes up a lot in his early battles with Solomon Grundy, who is largely composed of plant material. Also, see: http://modernmythologies.com/2013/10/02/diametrically-opposed-golden-age-green-lantern-solomon-grundy/.

But when you have superheroes created in the 1940s, you just tend to accept the silliness without many questions.  Plus, I like the idea that a supervillain’s weapon of choice includes exploding baseballs.

Lawrence “Crusher” Crock, the original Sportsmaster who had the honor of fighting the first wave of superheroes — Green Lantern, Starman, etc. — shows up sporadically throughout comic history. Luckily for Crock, when DC cashed in on their animated shows by releasing counterpart comics, Sportsmaster did receive some ink, like when he gets his butt kicked by Huntress:

Yes, you had to suffer a lot of sport puns.  Did you notice this Sportsmaster uses a trophy as his weapon?  He attempts to knock out Huntress by flailing around the Stanley Cup.  His humiliation doesn’t end here.  He also gets wildly emasculated by Batman:

I figure Sportsmaster just throws darts at a sporting goods catalog to put together an outfit, because he wears something different every time he shows up.  Though nothing can beat his Green-Arrow-as-a-minor-league-cyborg-baseball-player look.  Check out this beauty:

As you soon purge Sportsmaster from your memory, which you have every right to do, know that his legacy continues.  We can make fun of him, tease him, joke about his stupidity, but we do have to think him for one important addition to the DC universe — Artemis Crock, Sportsmaster’s daughter.

Artemis later changes her identity to Tigress:

And if you’ve seen the Young Justice cartoon, then you know her as the female Green Arrow:

On a final note, as I searched the depths of comics for everything Sportsmaster related, I came across a brilliant gem from 1965.  It highlights everything so insane about a sports-themed bad guy that you’ll be blinded by the simultaneous shock and admiration that this is an actual comic book story bought by actual comic book readers.  But I don’t want to hype it up — you’ll see all its glory on Friday.

JLA’s White Martian trouble, Pt. 2

As we left off on Monday, Martian Manhunter escaped from his torture prison, destroyed the fire-abolishing towers, and gave the Justice League that small glimmer of comeback they needed to take on dozens of wildly powerful White Martians.  While the war’s far from over, at least now the Justice League can choose the battlefield.  And allies.  And pets.

Thankfully, as comics become more mainstream with the success of the movies, TV shows, etc., we as fans can be less embarrassed to admit our love of an essentially adolescent concept.  But one thing I’m never ashamed to admit I love?  A dog with superpowers battling a horde of angry aliens. Teenage fantasies aside, as the one thing Lex Luthor and I have in common is our deep rooted wish to be Superman, I’ll never get enough of animals in capes that fight hordes of world-destroying superbeings.  And speaking of awesome adolescent concepts?

But even with an arsenal of space weapons, the Justice League loses.  Oh, spoiler alert.  Protex establishes himself firmly as a stereotypical evil mastermind.  Because y’see, just because the Justice League can’t punch their way to victory, they have a cunning their enemies don’t possess. I mean, sure, not for the first three issues of this arc, but it’s a slow burn.

What happens next can only be described as the Greatest Thing I’ve Seen In Comics.  We all see Martian Manhunter described as a humor-less, boring superhero who shows more skin than any other member of the Justice League (and he’s single, ladies), but only a fascinating genius can come up with this plot to finally stop the White Martians.  Y’know, the Greatest Thing I’ve Seen In Comics.

We, the readers, start off the fight just as nonchalant as the White Martians.  It’s a battle on the moon!  Blows get exchanged!  The White Martians brag about their superior superpowers!  The Martian Manhunter puts his clothes back on!  All that normal stuff, and then finally the big reveal.  The White Martians never stood a chance against this level of insanity.

Yes!  The Justice League is literally pulling the moon.  With their muscles.  They wrapped a chain around the entire thing, flexed a little bit, and are now literally dragging it out of orbit.  Over the past year and a half, I’ve stated no less than five times that Superman has the ability to bench press small planets.  And now, in all the brilliant glory laid out above — I have proof.  I feel like I’m a cult leader who has been shockingly proven correct.  Turns out that barn I claimed housed our spaceship messiah actually packed a Jesus-filled rocket ship the whole time.  Also, did you know the Justice League has a moon-sized chain?

But back to Martian Manhunter’s plot, why the whole moon yanking?  Remember the Martian weakness to fire?

Did you wonder how the Justice League escaped the Phantom Zone?  How Martian Manhunter broke free from his torture?  My dear friend Gecho nailed the hidden clue back in part one.  And thank goodness, because I didn’t realize this until he pointed it out.  Notice last article when Martian Manhunter uncharacteristically yells out to Batman, “You have given me the ray of hope we need!” Now return to Martian Manhunter’s big reveal in the page above.  The superhero Atom (who can shrink to microscopic size) squirreled away in Martian Manhunter’s brain, unable to be discovered by the White Martians.  He released Martian Manhunter from the bounded torture.  He freed them from the Phantom Zone.  And the Atom’s real name?  Ray Palmer — y’know, the “ray of hope.”  The whole set up to take down the White Martians started as soon as Batman attempted his botched solo rescue way back in the second issue of the arc.  Mark Waid’s a genius and I’m jealous of him in every way.

Oh, and the White Martians?  Will they choose eternal Phantom Zone prison or fiery death?  Time for the dramatic finale!

The fate of Martian Manhunter?  The selfless superhero who scorched himself to protect his adopted home from the remnants of his evil kin?

While Batman only deals in tough love, he does love.  And so do I.  Martian Manhunter forever.

JLA’s White Martian trouble, Pt. 1

The second time.  The first time the JLA battles the White Martians borders on legendary. Batman, a match, gasoline, etc.  But they come back.  They always come back — status quo and whatnot.  So today we’ll start round two against the extraterrestrial menace, if just because the ending justifies everything I’ve been saying about DC heroes for years.  It’s amazing.  But that’s for Wednesday, as today’ll be all the intros, blood, violence, and drama you expect from JLA #55-58, written by Mark Waid and drawn by Bryan Hitch & Mike Miller.  How about some ominous gooey set up?

A bunch of weird stuff happens that I’m not showing you.  People go crazy, including Lois Lane, Nightwing, and other JLA love interests.  Finally, it culminates in a nuclear explosion.  As our dear heroes (who at least half could probably survive an atomic blast head on) protect the exploded city, the true culprits show their face.  I mean, sort of, the best shapeshifters can show their face.

Want to hear Batman talk science for a few pages?  Of course you do.

I’d like to believe Batman could take out all the White Martians in a straight fight.  But even with his utility belt stocked full of deus ex machina, Batman can’t possibly defeat a dozen beings of Superman-esque power attacking all at once.  Eleven, maybe, but definitely not a full dozen.  Still, it won’t be lacking for dramatics.

Poor J’onn.  His desire to make some new friends has pretty much set a course to destroy his adopted home.  But wait, you shout.  Why don’t our superheroes just carry a few matchbooks and save the world that way?  Y’see, the White Martians learn from their errors.

Due to nanotechnology or a magic raygun or a Galactus crossover or whatever reason I skimmed over, the planet can no longer create fire.  And that just doomed the world.  No oxygen or something.  I really should brush up on my science.  Plus, remember how the Justice League fights equal with levels of fury and teamwork?  The bad guys know that too, and White Martian victory comes easily when they eliminate both their own weaknesses and then exploit their opponent’s.

With the Justice League out of commission (and every other superhero busy doing other heroics), only one man can save the world now.  Like say, a man who’s not really a man but who accidentally ruined his new planet by releasing dangerous bad guys because he wanted some new friends.  That guy.

Redemption time!  Martian Manhunter’s plan to defeat the alien threat is by far the most insane, amazing plan I’ve ever seen in superhero comics.  You’ll see it Wednesday — I’m just as excited as you.

Martian Manhunter guest post!

I wrote a guest article for The Speech Bubble!  Read it here!  After you read/skim it, please go and read/skim every other comic book website on the Internet.  Every one.  The spandex-and-punching community embraces and loves each other!  Except those dudes on YouTube who spend eight minutes every week screaming about Superior Spider-Man.  Ignore them.

Superman saves New Years

You know how every Christmas, millions of people write letters to Santa?  The DC universe does the same thing on New Years with Superman.  Y’see, like Santa, with his superpowers to fly faster than the speed of light, he can visit billions of young boys and girls to give them all the iPads they asked for.  Or at least assist a dozen people in sticky situations.  So today in Action Comics #810, written by Joe Kelly and drawn by Pascual Ferry, Kano, Dave Bullock, Duncan Rouleau, & Renato Guedes, we’ll get to see one of Superman’s New Years and he’ll prove once again how much better than he is than us in every single gosh darned way.

By the way, we all agree Joe Kelly’s a genius, right?  I’ve written about so many of his comics recently and I wish I knew about him sooner.  Also, I really, really hope he doesn’t mind (and DC for that matter) that I use a huge chunk of this issue.  I’ll go buy some comics to make up for it, I promise.  Anyway, using a stack of letters, he visits one place for each hour of New Years, since it’s technically a new year twenty four times throughout the world.  First up:

I looked it up and the city of Ittoqqortoormiit actually exists.  Very rarely do they have an ambulance flown in, but at least we don’t have to see Superman rock some heat vision and tear the baby out. Because he could.  By the way DC, if you read this, the one-shot Superman: Obstetrician could move some serious copies.  Second letter:

Yeah, top that, dudes proposing with a flash mob.  We all know Superman’s romance superpower. It’s an easy fit when you’re crazy ripped and can soar through the sky.  Plus, women feel protected when their man can take out an entire bar full of sleezy fellows with a simple exhale.  Coincidentally, the next hour he saves for his special lady:

I wonder if Superman can get drunk?  He probably metabolizes alcohol at incredible speeds.  I doubt he drinks, and even if he does, the carbs can’t be good for his figure.  The Man of Steel can’t fight supervillains without Abs of Steel.

Right?  How bad can life get if the closest thing the DC universe has to Jesus takes time out to give you a hug.  Some fantastic comics have been written about Superman talking down people from suicide.  I’m just saying Batman would batarang the poor guy into unconsciousness and swing away. Lesson of the day: Bruce Wayne makes a terrible therapist.

When’s the last time you hung around with orphans?  He juggles a successful journalism career with full time membership in the Justice League and he still takes time out to wrestle disadvantaged kids. See that “S” on his chest?  That’s also the size of his heart. But let’s not forget the invincible god-man isn’t all smiles and kisses.

Poor criminals don’t realize that if you aren’t a supervillain, you don’t get to escape from prison. That’s a few decades spent behind bars because you decided to antagonize a superhero.  Plus, new capes don’t grow on trees.  But with truth and justice already served, let’s concentrate on the American way:

I mean, Superman does wear the colors of our flag.  And a yellow belt.  The other countries have their King Arthur and Gilgamesh and other folk heroes I haven’t been taught because of my American education.  Superman gets to be our folk hero, and folk heroes support our soldiers.  Off panel, you’d see a clapping Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan.  Finally, we reach the last letter:

Italian doctors don’t beat around the bush with their patients.  I hope that when I die, my afterlife is filled with all the fictional characters I’d like to hang out with.  Like Superman, Harry Potter, and every character Scarlett Johansson played.  We wrap up today’s article with a message of hope and inspiration.  While we normal people can’t fly or punch through mountains, we should at least attempt to be more like Superman this year — morally.  Go play with some orphans.

The redemption of Plastic Man

A dramatic title!  Probably far too dramatic for our sweet full-of-good-vibes article today, but my integrity wavers depending on how much allergy medicine I’m currently woozy on.  As much as I dream of soaring in the skies and fighting crime myself, I just don’t think superheroes take Allegra. More importantly, let’s jump back to Plastic Man — the silly do-gooder with a rubber body who shows just as much leg as Wonder Woman.  Remember his son?  Time to make amends.  To make this easier for me, here’s the articles I’m using today:
JLA #76, written by Joe Kelly and drawn by Lewis La Rosa
JLA #87, written by Kelly and drawn by Doug Mahnke
JLA #88, written by Kelly and drawn by Mahnke
JLA #89, written by Kelly and drawn by Mahnke
The Kingdom: Offspring, written by Mark Waid and drawn by Frank Quitely

During one of their missions, the Justice League goes back in time 3,000 years.  During the battle, the antagonist shatters Plastic Man and the Justice League are forced to leave him at the bottom of the ocean when they return to the present.  But luckily because of Plastic Man’s physiology (and being a fictional character), our hero survived.  And by survived I mean the Justice League pieced him back together after he had been awake and conscious for the entire three millennia he sat scattered on the sea floor.  It allowed him to do some thinking.  A lot of thinking.

He retires.  But superhero retirement either means a dozen issues off page or death (which is then two dozen issues off page).  He gets the former.  Y’see, something bad happened to Martian Manhunter. He overcame his fear to fire and became an evil demon spawn.  Only one man can save the Justice League now.

The reason Plastic Man becomes the world’s last hope doesn’t get revealed for another two issues, but I’m going to spoil it now.  Y’see, with a rubber brain, Martian Manhunter’s telepathy can’t affect him.  The same telepathy that allows a being with Superman-esque powers to read and counter actions before his opponents even attack.  But you also just saw the big problem for poor wounded Batman: Plastic Man is no more.  Seriously, he doesn’t exist anymore.

I know we love alternative stories where Superman-type beings go crazy and kill everyone (Irredeemable, for example), but I think we forget just how much scarier it is when Martian Manhunter gets knocked off his rocker.  Combine Superman with Kitty Pryde, the Human Torch, Mystique, and Emma Frost.  You can imagine why the Justice League keeps losing to this guy.  Though on the plus side, evil Martian Manhunter has become quite eloquent when making his villainous speeches.

Batman lays out a truth bomb far stronger than any jump kicks or uppercuts.  We all love superheroes gathering up the courage they believed they lost to defeat a foe far stronger and more powerful than them.  Hell, Spider-Man does that every other issue (well, Peter Parker anyway).  So it’s time for young Luke to get his dad back into fighting shape — y’know, to save the world from blowing up.

With that, the world can rest easy.  I adore the character flaw in Plastic Man believing he can’t be both a family man and superhero (unlike Batman who just puts all his kids into tights — two birds, one stone).  But y’know, people can change for the better.  Let Plastic Man be your inspiration.  He’s awesome:

Our story sort of ends here.  Y’see, his son does become the superhero Offspring.  We never see the transformation (and goodness knows I looked), but one day he shows up in about ten or twelve issues in a span of a five or six years as Offspring.  He has maybe twenty lines total in all his canonical appearances.  The only standalone tale involving Plastic Man and Offspring lies in Waid’s Elseworlds tale of an alternative Earth:

See?  Exactly like his father.  So let’s end 2013 with my favorite type of ending: happy.

Batman & Plastic Man scare children

I made a statement a few articles back that out of all the JLA members, I know about Martian Manhunter the least.  I lied, oh, how I lied.  Because after spending some time reading more DC, I realized that there’s one member I’m wildly in the dark about: Plastic Man.  So today, let’s remedy my ailment and explore a story in JLA #65, written by Joe Kelly and drawn by Doug Mahnke, where the DC universe’s funniest superhero teams up with DC universe’s least funny.

Plastic Man has been around since 1941.  That’s two years after Batman.  A former criminal and basic henchman, Patrick “Eel” O’Brian got shot and splattered with chemicals.  His gang left him behind and now he has a body like rubber.  And he fights crime.  Chemicals are so much more fun in the DC universe — in real life, you just get an eye rinse and a lecture on safety.

With Batman reluctantly assisting Plastic Man — I’m assuming Justice League membership comes with one redeemable favor/finger wagging from the Dark Knight — the duo does what all good detectives do: gather clues.

Before we tackle Plastic Man’s shortcomings, have you noticed a theme in comics starring the silly superheroes?  On paper, Plastic Man is far more dangerous and powerful than Batman, yet the Dark Knight makes criminals wet themselves while Plastic Man dodges scores of bullets shot by apathetic baddies.  Funny doesn’t equal respect in the superhero world.  Spider-Man has the same problem — and I know he uses humor so the bad guys underestimate him — but notice now that Doc Ock took over, the supervillains duck and cower when the web-slinger swings by?  Less jokes, more face slashing.

And this boy our two protagonists are searching for?  Turns out the world’s greatest detective isn’t needed to solve this mystery.

Plastic Man can shapeshift into whatever his dear heart wants.  He can change his size, his malleability, and even heal himself.  He may even be immortal, having once survived a 3,000 year gap at the bottom of the ocean.  He’s just not a good parent.

Oh, I adore Batman’s final line.  I don’t think we as readers realize the psychological damage the Dark Knight can inflict when he so desires.  We remember the goofy Batman of the 1950s and 1960s. We know Bruce Wayne’s sad little orphan origin.  But because we aren’t scared of Batman, doesn’t mean normal folks aren’t.  Plus, who doesn’t love the idea that Superman (with his godlike powers) doesn’t frighten criminals but Batman (with the powers of a middle-aged man) makes bad guys cry upon a small glimpse of that cowl.  For this next scene, use your favorite Batman voice for maximum effect (Bale, Conroy, etc.).

Unlike some of Batman’s trophies, he wears Plastic Man as a belt.  The giant penny doesn’t fit around the waist, after all.  Y’see the dual benefit of this tactic?  The kid gets scared straight while Plastic Man doesn’t have to cough up any parenting responsibility.  Major personality changes take time and usually get retconned anyway.  We’ll end today with a small glimmer of hope for our rubbery man, because that kid Luke McDunnagh?  You’re looking at the future superhero Offspring.  Teen Titan certified and everything.

Sad JLA: Batman

As we end our series today in JLA #106, written by Chuck Austen and drawn by Ron Garney — even the Dark Knight gets his own traumatic moment, an event that shatters his emotional stability and moves the readers to tears:

Okay, so today’s going to be a shorter article than normal.  The final issue of the arc spends the majority of its pages wrapping up that whole superpowered kid story you saw last time.  Plus, if you’ll allow me to make excuses, I’m still fairly sick and I’m moving tomorrow.  But let’s be fair: Batman’s entire narrative drives from watching his parents’ shooting anyway — and that’s about as emotionally destructive as one can get.  I mean, everything he’s done since that moment has been to avenge their deaths (and a never-ending breaking of criminals’ jaws).  So with all of Batman’s lessons already learned, he can concentrate on the more important things.  Like playing with children.

What follows is the normal superheroic setup.  The lady and her family with their new fancy superpowers attempt to take violent revenge while the JLA teaches the family a valuable lesson that with great power comes great responsibility.  The responsibility not to splatter the brains of corrupt men across their mansion’s fireplace.  I’m okay with clichés like this.  We can ask for deeper meaning or themes in our superhero comics (and oh, are there examples of those being delivered), but we’re also reading stories about men and women in spandex who solve their problems with roundhouse kicks.  Look, we can argue the literary value of comics later — I’d actually kind of like that — but a good story is a good story regardless of its cultural impact or groundbreaking originality.  Plus, my NyQuil just kicked in and I’m feeling woozy.

As we end, I think it’s important to note the most important lesson learned today:

Batman would rather hide in a tree than show emotional fragility to his teammates.  If you don’t mind, can I make a recommendation?  Have you ever read Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight by Travis Langley?  I picked it up when I was feeling a bit dumb after being out of college for a few years and wanted something smart to read.  It delves into Batman’s identity, supporting cast, villains, and more in a manner that goes way above my head.  Seriously, it’s like an awesome college course on something you already adore.  And the tests consist solely of you lording over your friends as you discuss in length about Joker’s anti-social personality disorder and why Batman’s PTSD from childhood brings forth the need for teenage sidekicks.  Don’t you deserve a book like that?