Robin trapped in concrete

Teenagers are a giant mess of sweat, insecurity, and mistakes.  That’s not even opinion; I imagine science could back me up on that.  And like all non-adults, teenage superheroes – aside from still being perfect physical specimens, going through puberty with relative ease, and attracting more of the opposite sex than the school they attend combined – make terrible errors in judgement. Such as Robin today in Robin #4-5, written by Chuck Dixon and drawn by Tom Grummett & Ray Kryssing. He breaks up an attempted robbery, except he didn’t think through the bad guy’s full plan.

Y’see, the money’s hot, right?  The cops’ll be looking for the stolen cash and armored car, so the supervillains decide to bury it in concrete for a few days before excavating it, thus losing the evidence if they get caught or whatever.  So our whole story takes place in the five by ten foot enclosed square of an armored truck with Robin and Cluemaster (Spoiler/Batgirl/Stephanie Brown’s father) stuck together.  It starts off pretty much how you imagine it would.  Badly.

This is why superheroes are only applicable in a fictional universe.  Superboy and Wonder Girl in a single punch would have been back home sleeping soundly in his barn by now.  Beast Boy would have slipped out before the concrete came down.  Starfire could blast her way out.  And Cyborg must have dozens of methods to escape or call someone or he might not even need to breathe at all.  But poor Robin has to rely on luck.  His utility belt has many gadgets, but none of those pockets contain miracle guns or divine intervention lasers.

The clock indicates what time it is.  It builds suspense while Spoiler runs around on the surface in the sub-story I’m not showing you.  And poor Cluemaster, getting lectured by a high school sophomore. No one takes Cluemaster seriously rocking a ponytail like that.  Hairstyles for supervillains must be short, normal, or outrageous, not a style blaring Nostalgia for the ’80s.  But luckily as you’ll see below, Robin has learned the most important lesson one could under Batman’s teachings: blame yourself for every little thing you do wrong no matter what the situation or uncontrollable variables because you should know better always and forever.

We all know Robin isn’t going to die.  It’s only issue five of his series, and DC usually waits until sales get low before they kill off their series’ main characters.  Dear Robin gets saved entirely by the chaos of the comic book universe and not his own abilities.  It’s an acceptable method of storytelling as having the superhero lose once in a while raises the stakes for their next battles.  That’s why Superman usually battles dudes stronger, faster, and tougher than he is.  Though I imagine this is a story Robin won’t be telling Batman about when he gets back to the cave.

This moment marks more than Robin’s embarrassing rescue.  You’re about to witness the beginning of the Robin/Spoiler romance, despite Robin having a girlfriend and it taking thirty-ish issues before they actually become a couple – and even then, Robin won’t tell Spoiler who he is although he knows Spoiler’s real life identity.  It’s a slow, drama-filled burn, like all high school relationships should be.

The vengeance of Catwoman, Pt. 2

You’ve had a tough year.  Everyone’s going on Facebook and Twitter bragging about how amazing 2014 was for them, but you’re still angry and bitter.  It’s understandable – stuff happens beyond your control and if choices are available, you sometimes make terrible choices in dealing with it. Sometimes I’m still amazed at how poor my decision making skills are and I’m in my late 20s.  But today, put all that aside.  What you want is Catwoman showing this jerk Thief exactly what happens when he thinks he can uproot and destroy her life.  Oh, how he’s wrong.  Today, Catwoman makes no bad decisions, only satisfying ones.

As Thief (that’s his actual supervillain name) plans the final parts of his dastardly supervillain schemes, it’d just be unfortunate if someone was gathering evidence of him committing crimes while he was out of costume with his face in full view of a camera.  Very unfortunate.

Remember what Calculator said last time?  This new guy Thief’s state of the art.  His plans, his robberies, his equipment, and everything about him is so far above Catwoman’s old timey methods so much so that Thief isn’t even on Batman’s radar, and that dude’s like the Big Brother of Gotham. So as you see everything fall brilliantly into place for Catwoman’s revenge, don’t forget that while Thief may be a better thief, he simply can’t compete with Catwoman in the qualities she really shines in: insanity, bloodlust, and holding deep unwavering grudges.

Good triumphs over evil (and rubs it in), and the reason we read these issues as the final article of the year.  Currently in the post-DC reboot New 52 Catwoman’s eternal story – her as the eventual mafia queenpin of the Gotham city underworld – we can learn something important from these dozen-ish pages below that’ll apply to our modern day stories: no one screws with Catwoman.  No one.

I’m showing you a massive portion of this issue – probably more than I’m allowed. But I want you to remember all of this when you look back (for some of you) just how awful 2014 might have been and what 2015 will be.  You’ll be Catwoman and this new year will be that mess of a man who thought he was better than she was.  Next time 2015 attempts to stomp on your self-esteem, your ability to handle crap, or the frustrations heaped upon you as you attempt to accomplish your goals – you’ll be Catwoman and all that bullshit will be this disgusting failed supervillain.

You think I’m done.  I’m not.  Her revenge isn’t yet.  As the solid black panel above signals Thief’s unconsciousness, he’s free to leave the mansion once he awakes.  Catwoman’s gone.  No one’s around.  Because Gotham city’s version of revenge?  It doesn’t end with a lecture and a beating.  No sir.  I hope your 2015 is wonderful.  You deserve it.

The vengeance of Catwoman, Pt. 1

As Catwoman’s solo series reached its final act in its final ten or so issues, the upcoming reboot meant everything they did wasn’t going to have any lasting effect or major changes to the character, so why not have some fun?  Why not have Catwoman do what she does best?  That’s right: anger and vengeance.  In a delightful revenge tale, a new thief (called Thief) invades Gotham to take Selina Kyle’s place as the number one burglar, and unfortunately, illegal turf wars usually mean taking out whoever happens to be on the turf first.  We pick up with Catwoman #72-74, #79-80, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by David Lopez — the issue immediately after she gives up her child.  Our dear protagonist wakes up to an empty apartment:

See how good Thief is?  He and his team ransacked her entire place — including the bed she was sleeping in — while she snoozed.  But they made a mistake.  With no supporting cast, no equipment, no goals, and all the time in the world, Catwoman now has the ability to devote every waking moment to taking down this new bad guy.  No seriously, she has nothing else to do.  Her calendar is completely empty — every day now gets circled for vengeance.

Oh, and besides an empty calendar, she also has no mask, whip, traps, or anything that made her a superhero.  She’ll need them.  Batman without his cowl is just Bruce Wayne.  While she scrounges up a few of her essentials in a home robbery I’m skipping, it’s not as if she’s on bad terms with any of her friends.  Let her get Batman to help her out (and he would drop everything to do so).  That dude has dozens of safe houses, sidekicks, and almost certainly a spare Batgirl costume/utility belt she could borrow until her new stuff gets re-made/returned.  But nope, she has to do everything herself. Underestimating her buddies seems to be a popular trait for angry Gotham superheroes.  Keep note that her threatening Calculator (the Oracle for bad guys) comes with an unintended side effect:

Calculator drugged her coffee, which is one of the requirements for being a bad guy when one is overweight and has a ponytail.  As you can imagine, Thief — pictured above– doesn’t shoot and kill her.  He’s a supervillain and we all know superheroes always win in the end.  But you’ve noticed a few things different about Catwoman lately, right?  Besides the baby thing.  She’s wearing shoes with flames on them.  Her hair is long, brunette, and well-kept.  She actually got punched by a henchman. That’s right — it’s time for that moment where she finally gets her crap together after twenty issues of her being off her game.  Also, I’ve provided the page where Calculator tells her exactly going on:

And yes, you’d figure Catwoman’s revenge would be short, sweet, and full of monologues about how wrong Thief is for doubting her.  Don’t worry, we’ll get to that.  Unfortunately, this is also the same issue the Suicide Squad captures Catwoman for the DC event Planet Salvation where all the DC supervillains get shipped off to the alien planet.  The poor girl can’t skip out on major events like that. So readers would have to wait a few months for the Planet Salvation tie-in to end.  But finally, four issues before her series comes to an end, she’ll get her revenge.  Which I’ll show you next time.  It’s worth it.

The story of Catwoman’s daughter

I know, it’s Christmas today. Everyone’s full of joy and ham and football and Jesus, and then I come along to end your holiday season with this total bummer of an article today. I apologize, but we have to cover this before our big Catwoman finale on Monday and Wednesday. Plus, it’s a great story. From various pages of Catwoman #53-72, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by David Lopez, today I’ll attempt to explain the whole Catwoman’s daughter thing.  It begins as you’d expect all pregnancies would:

Luckily, DC enacted their One Year Later event at this same time (where every comic automatically shifted one year forward) so we didn’t have to get twelve issues of a visibly pregnant Catwoman whipping bad guys or awkwardly jumping across rooftops.  The baby, named Helena, just popped into the story — and the father?  Dead.  It’s all hers.

So how in nineteen issues of comics did we get from this joy seen above, from Catwoman giving up crimefighting, devoting herself to motherhood, and becoming a role model for her infant child, to this childless, fiery, vengeful vigilante we saw last article?  Well, you know that superhero life.  It involves lots of this:

The child doesn’t die.  Don’t worry about that.  But how much longer in the series until she does? If DC would kill off poor Aquababy, they’d wipe out Catbaby faster than you could ask, “Who’s Aquababy?”  In the DC universe, our characters narrowly avoid death practically every ten to twenty pages.  And babies?  Very few of them know martial arts or other methods of defending themselves. But I want to take this moment as a “what if?”  If Catwoman and Batman could get their crap together and actually function as two people in a healthy relationship, it’s not foolish to think that canon (not even alternative universe) Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle could have a happy nuclear family.  Did you laugh as I wrote those last words?  I know.  Catwoman knows.  Batman knows everything.   But still, it’s nice to dream.

Batman even fakes Catwoman and her child’s death.  Because while I’m no expert on child-rearing, it’s better if supervillains don’t attempt to kidnap or maim the child you’re raising.  Spoiler alert: Catwoman’s not satisfied.  How could she?  It’s not as if the bad guys won’t find out about her one day.  And it turns out bad guys are really good at holding grudges.  Plus, best case scenario for the child of a superhero?  That kid also becomes a superhero, dodging gunfire and fireballs for a few years until killed off in a major event to bring pain to their more famous parent’s dramatic life.

Batman places the kid up for adoption.  Helena gets adopted.  We never hear from her again.  And thus I bum out your Christmas spirit after a night of drinking eggnog lattes and dancing around the Christmas tree (I don’t actually know what people do on Christmas). In summary, don’t have children. I think that’s the message of this arc.

Oh, and because of the DC universe reboot and de-aging of Catwoman from the (probably) mid-30s she is here to a sleeker 23 years old, this story never happened.  Except in your heart, of course.

Next time, we’ll raise your spirits with a story of Catwoman’s life ruined once more by a new thief out to claim his stake in Gotham.  Then I’ll find a story about puppies and sunshine and flowers, I promise.

Catwoman with superpowers, Pt. 2

We left Catwoman last time with the delightful discovery that she can brush off bullets and punch panthers across rooms. It’s good to be Catwoman. And in this weird alternative Earth of hers, what’s not to enjoy about being indestructable and all-powerful? That’s right: nothing.  Unless you happen to be the buzzkill of the DC universe.  In all the chaos of teleporting the bad guys to the planet Salvation, one Justice Leaguer also hitched a ride.

You know the best part of superpowers?  The freedom.  No longer does one have to cartwheel and backflip out of the way of normal death machines.  Or hide and cry if one’s not an Olympic-level vigilante.  So let this alternative Earth’s Batman try to uncharacteristically mow down our protagonist. Let him try.  Can you already feel the joy coming from our dear Selina?

Remember when Batman went crazy and slightly evil because he suddenly had the ability to protect everybody in the world and his overwhelming/warped sense of justice forced him to do so? Catwoman’s not wired that way.  She can be things Batman can’t, like happy, and more importantly, all the joy you and I would feel from being infamous, invincible, and not caring about anyone who wanted to do silly futile stuff like stop us from doing whatever we want when we want to do it.

How good of a mood does one have to be in to see Superman and figure, y’know, why not?  Let’s take him.  Back home she had her friends and belongings taken away by people who want to kill her then teleported to a prison planet to waste away with other baddies, but here?  Oh, the freedom.  It’s basically a world created from her current deepest desire — a perfect world for the crap Catwoman’s current going through (which, and spoiler alert, it sort of is exactly that).  Because in what other scenario could you possibly imagine where Catwoman does this?

We can use the same summary we use about Daredevil comics of the past three to four years: sometimes it’s just nice to see Catwoman win, because those last dozen issues or so before this arc have been rough for the poor girl.  Plus, this is the third time she’s beaten Batman — which might be saying more about her fantasies than anything else (I’m just saying, in the most non-offensive way possible, that the whip of hers isn’t just for crimefighting).  And as for the icing on the cake?

Don’t think we’ve forgotten about our green buzzkill earlier.  I know it’s to save her life and bring her back into the real world so she doesn’t die in a desire-driven alien machine, but Martian Manhunter can be such a downer sometimes.  As Catwoman accepts the reality of her situation, at least she recognizes it like the badass she is.  That’s all I ever want in a comic book character.

I briefly mentioned before that someone torched all her belongings earlier.  Next time, she gets her revenge.  It’s going to be bloody.

Catwoman with superpowers, Pt. 1

About three months ago, we looked at the issues where Batman briefly gained Superman’s powers. Spoiler alert: it goes badly.  In a weird (what’s the version of racism for those with superpowers?) power-ist way, those superheroes without anything extra shouldn’t gain the abilities that throw their systems into whack.  Like Batman not doing stuff like sleeping or eating or anything not related to the eternal quest of solving every world’s problem.  And today, his on/off-again girlfriend gets her turn with invincibility, super strength, etc.  Luckily for readers, she’s also unstable and not emotionally healthy enough for anything above a leather outfit and a whip.  We’ll read the excitement together within the pages of Catwoman #75-77, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by David Lopez.

So in the miniseries Salvation Run, all the supervillains get rounded up and teleported to a different planet called Salvation.  Bad guy problem officially solved — and everyone goes.  From the Joker to Cheetah to Metallo to Deadshot to Captain Cold to Gorilla Grodd to Poison Ivy to Vandal Savage, etc. You get the idea; like eighty of them were captured and sent to Salvation.  And they all would have stayed there miserably forever if Lex Luthor wasn’t teleported with him.  Oh well.  Anyway in the midst of all that, Catwoman stumbles onto some machine generator thingie and it transports her here:

That’s right — it’s an alternative Earth.  To say that Catwoman’s mental state the past few years has been wavering would be an understatement.  She lost pretty much her entire supporting cast, including her actual daughter and everything she ever owned or stole.  So unlike Batman who sits on a stack of infinite money and loving allies, Catwoman doesn’t really have anything left to lose.  So all that cat-and-mouse chase that I assume activates her lady boner’ll have to be put aside today.

Oh, and she totally did kill Black Mask.  That’s another previous article of mine if you have a bunch of free time today.  Now for the next five pages or so, she avoids rocket launchers, gunfire, and helicopters until she can action-movie-esque crash though a window.  And Catwomen from every Earth and dimension are all so rude.  I imagine a skintight uniform can only press against your diaphragm for so long before one’d be snippy with whoever comes across one’s path.  Like a person at dinnertime who skipped breakfast and lunch.

What’s going on?  This Catwoman can’t afford to repair her costume yet can afford to feed two grown panthers?  Plus — while totally cool — a clawed up costume’s impractical.  One good cartwheel and the costume tears open, exposing herself to whatever do-gooder she’s kicking in the face.  While I do have many questions about what’s going on in this alternative-Gotham, most of them have to do with Catwoman’s costume.  Like why is she wearing a dog collar?  But now let’s watch our Catwoman discover something else about herself in this world:

Catwoman’s sister Maggie becomes a nun and eventually a crazy vengeful nun because of that Black Mask incident.  The poor girl didn’t stand a chance when she arrived in Gotham.  I figure anyone who comes to this city without at least a green belt in karate will be maimed or killed within weeks of arriving.  Statistically speaking, anyway.  Just like the Arkham Asylum doctor/guard fatality rate is in the high 90% range or the 100% chance Batman showing up at your abandoned dock right after you announced to your superstitious partner that he’s just an urban legend.  But I did promise you superpowers today.  I promise to deliver:

I’m stopping here today.  Catwoman just realized in this world, she’s a more attractive Superman, which is a dream we all have.  What’s going on with this Gotham?  Is there a catch?  Is she going to fight Batman, Superman, Flash, and Green Lantern at the same time?  At least for the third question: hell yeah she is.