The adventures of Mandrill
Posted: 09/02/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsNo better way to start off the week than chronicling the appearances of a minor supervillain!
Despite his ape features, Mandrill’s a human mutant with the incredibly creepy superpowers to excrete pheromones that make every woman in the vicinity immediately attracted and enslaved to him. Yup, which means his only weakness is the other half of the population.
Actually, I’m quite proud of myself, because this is easily the largest collection of issues I’ve put together for one article. To avoid having to name each one I’m going through, here’s what we’ll be looking at select scenes from today (in order):
Shanna the She-Devil #4, written by Carole Seuling & Steve Gerber and drawn by Ross Andru
Daredevil #110-112, volume 1, written by Steve Gerber and drawn by Gene Colan
The Defenders #91, written by Ed Hannigan and drawn by Don Perlin & Pablo Marcos
Avengers West Coast #66, written by Roy and Dan Thomas and drawn by Paul Ryan
Punisher War Journal #15, volume 2, written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Scott Wegener
Thunderbolts Annual #1, written by Kurt Busiek and drawn by Bob McLeod
Spider-Man: Breakout #3, written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Manuel Garcia
New Avengers #61-64, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by Stuart Immonen & Mike McKone
Spider-Man: Web of Romance one-shot, written by Tom Beland and drawn by Cory Walker
Okay, that was exhausting. Let’s get to the good stuff. Mandrill first appeared antagonizing Shanna the She-Devil, who’s like a female Tarzan.
Can you guess our recurring theme? Mandrill, despite his sexy powers, loses badly. Every time. In increasingly humiliating ways. No matter how good looking of an ape you are, pet jaguars and panthers just can’t see that seductive twinkle in your eye.
But when he finally meets Daredevil, we get some insight into his tragic past and evil motivations.
How sad. Anyway, in really the only major and ambitious threat he’s ever possessed, he tries to take over the White House. First Mandrill president and all that. Instead of campaigning like respectable politicians, he does the whole hostile takeover thing. The Mandrill presidency lasts less than a minute:
Later, in possibly the only real character development the character’s gotten, he totally meets his parents. Y’know, the ones who abandoned him and left him to fend for himself in the desert. Spoiler alert: he’s not happy about it. Oh, but first, how do the baddest of supervillains escape pursuit by angry superheroes? Giant cave worm? Nope, that’s Mole Man.
That outfit he now wears? Hasn’t changed in 20ish years. And I love it, because the only thing better than a mind-controlling monkey is a flamboyant mind-controlling monkey.
So, how does his mother feel about her son’s achievements?
Well, you see the results of poor parenting? Half the X-Men are uglier than Mandrill, but because their parents enrolled them in a school instead of throwing them out of a car in the middle of nowhere, they fight bad guys and use their powers to save innocent people. Mandrill, on the other hand, became a misogynistic, selfish jerk. Lesson learned.
Over the next few years as we slowly advance into the modern age, Mandrill briefly pops a few times to get his butt kicked, and then disappears again. Usually in the span of a single page.
Finally getting to the second half of the previous decade, he makes his living as a supervillain henchman. President Mandrill has certainly fallen from grace.
Though, I’d be a horrible journalist (kinda?) if I didn’t mention his only shining moment of the past decade. That time he enslaved Spider-Woman to beat up Spider-Man. Finally doing something useful with those pheromones. First page has nothing to do with Mandrill, but it made me laugh. Plus, my love-affair with Spider-Man and all that jazz.
Behold, Mandrill at his most menacing!
Of course she breaks his spell, most likely out of sheer willpower. My theory, and this is based on zero facts and entirely on conjecture, relies on Spider-Woman’s own pheromones. Y’see, she also emits sexy smells, but hers are far more subtle, plus she’s not a manipulative creep. Having experience with her own attraction pheromones raises her resistance to similar stuff a little, so the two spiders can deviously trick the monkey baddie.
Humiliation achieved, theme intact, PTSD acquired. Poor Mandrill turns into a whiny little ape when his supervillain boss requests they all attack Asgard, where Thor and other dangerous gods live.
Super embarrassing to watch, right? Luckily, The Hood (the boss dude) gets even whinier like twenty pages later. Full evil karma circle. Right now, we can assume Mandrill’s locked up in prison with all the other supervillain henchmen. Will he show up in future comics? Absolutely.
But to spend all this time chronicling our new buddy and end the article on that pathetic note? No way. How about a conversation with Spider-Man about Mary Jane’s birthday? We’ll go out with a bang! Though, still more of a whimper.
Wolverine vs. Fantastic Four, Daredevil
Posted: 08/30/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 4 CommentsIt’s Friday and we’ve all had a busy week. I could write up a lengthy article on the development of characters through the past events of their lives, but who wants to read that to end their week? Instead, let’s have Wolverine claw at superheroes.
So, Wolverine #20-25, volume 3, written by Mark Millar and drawn by John Romita Jr., had this fantastic idea that the most powerful of the ninja cults, The Hand, manages to kill Wolverine (aka Logan). Yes, it’s possible. And so how does that lead to Logan slashing his buddies? Turns out The Hand has the power to resurrect the dead, only with crazy brainwashing filtered in. They decide to use Wolverine for evil, because that’s what supervillains do.
We’ll take a look at two of his many battles here.
Wolverine vs. Fantastic Four
Logan ain’t a stranger to butting heads with other heroes. What makes this arc so great is we also get to go inside Wolverine’s head. Nice to get an insight into his opinions, strategies, and special powers that all get center text box stage.
Unfortunately for Wolverine, the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four live also houses the most advanced and sophisticated security system in the Marvel universe. Mr. Fantastic, being the smartest man in the world, and two young children to protect provides suitable motivation for all that tech.
And the fight begins! First up, the Human Torch.
Human Torch incapacitated. Did you know Wolverine’s the best there is at what he does? Like taking down a fellow superhero in four panels. Oh yeah, but there were two FF dudes in the garage.
Let’s talk numbers for a second. Wolverine may have super strength, but that taps out around 800 pounds, about the same as Captain America. The Thing maxes out at 100 tons, making him a good 250 times stronger than poor Logan. Yeah, Wolverine’s faster, but a few rock monster blows to the head would concuss him into failure.
Luckily for our protagonist, he comes out on top. But how does he fare against science?
Okay, so Wolverine’s cheating. Shady bad guys can teleport him around. It happens with the best of us. Though now he combats with the undisputed most powerful of the Fantastic Four.
The invisibility’s a cool ability, though writers can get immensely more creative with her force field powers. Like causing someone to stop breathing or explode from the inside. Wolverine may be a scarily strong hand-to-hand combatant, but will he be able to get out of this jam where martial arts can’t? Of course he can. By cheating.
The end. Fantastic Four wins, I guess.
Wolverine (and ninjas) vs. Daredevil
Luckily for Matt Murdock (Daredevil), Wolverine can’t cheat during this bout. Though he does bring along a few dozen ninja henchman. That’s probably cheating. Oh, and by the way, Logan really hates Daredevil.
Now, Daredevil’s fast. Insanely fast. Though to be fair, Wolverine’s most likely quicker, can take more hits, possesses a hundred plus years of martial arts training, and he has 20 ninjas backing him up. Odds favor our brainwashed X-Man.
No one would argue that Wolverine tends not to be known for being warm and friendly. The only thing worse than his attitude is his smell. But he does give us the honor of explaining in excruciating detail his hatred for Murdock. Spoiler alert: major jealousy.
See? A fairly legitimate reason, except that Wolverine’s also short, hairy, stinky, unpleasant, emotionally unavailable, and can’t charm his way out of a paper bag if he was being backed up by a battalion of pixies. That might figure into his slump. But what do I know? I’m not a scientist.
Daredevil pulls off a victory here too. For a reputation as quite possibly the world’s greatest assassin, Wolverine loses fairly often. Makes his comics more interesting, I assume.
Want the exciting finale of the arc? Too bad. But I’m not above a teaser. That’s my gift to you for reading this whole week or finding this article randomly on the Internet. Hint: it involves this:
The legend of Jack Flag
Posted: 08/28/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel Leave a commentCaptain America has had a bunch of sidekicks, most of them grossly over-patriotic. And while all the star-spangled costumers have disappeared from the pages of the Marvel universe, one continues to parade his American ideals around to this day.
Not Bucky. He had a terrible run for a while as a Russian communist spy. That ruins some of the nationalist pride. Not Falcon. He’s more of a partner than a sidekick. Equal footing and all that.
Because you’ve read the article title, you know I’m talking about Jack Flag, who had a brief run in Captain America #434-443 back in 1995. I present his first appearance in the comic book world:
He went on to have ten issues of exciting adventures. Like this:
Jack Flag (real name Jack Harrison) created a citizen’s patrol with his brother in Sandhaven, Arizona. During one of their patrols, his brother was attacked and left paralyzed by the supervillain group the Serpent Society. Later, while infiltrating the group, the supervillain Mr. Hyde attacked him and doused him accidentally in chemicals, which of course gave him super strength.
After issue #443, he disappeared for twelve years. No big finale, no explosion to save a bus full of babies. Nope, one issue he was there, the next issue it had been like he never existed. Until Thunderbolts #110-111, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Mike Deodato.
Norman Osborn, seeking a chance at public redemption (though let’s be real, not really), has gotten permission from the current director of SHIELD, Tony Stark, to become director of the Thunderbolts. They’re a team of supervillains plucked from prison, who if they go on dangerous government missions for a year or two, will be granted their freedom. Or not. But they get something out of it. Y’see, because the Marvel Civil War had just ended, the main duty of the Thunderbolts were to capture and detain unregistered superheroes. Y’know, superheroes who kept their identity secret, didn’t work for the government, and went into hiding. Like Jack Flag, living that normal civilian life with his girlfriend Lucy in Cleveland, Ohio.
But once a superhero, always a superhero. And the worst part of being a superhero? Crime always seems to pop up right under their noses. Stupid moral responsibility and all that.
Unfortunately, with technology what it is, his cover’s blown. I don’t know how, just believe me. Also, bad timing, as the Thunderbolts premiering for the first time in public, have to make a name for themselves. What better choice than a washed up former sidekick?
The best part of showdowns? Of course, the staring down between the heroes and the villains before the punches start flying. Ellis and Deodato do it beautifully here.
Okay, need a quick overview of the Thunderbolts? I’ll go super quick from left to right. Songbird can fly and create physical soundwaves by screaming. Moonstone has some magical powers like flight, energy blasts, etc. Radioactive Man manipulates radiation. Penance, former superhero Speedball, inflicts pain on himself to shoot powerful explosive blasts. You know Venom, he’s Spider-Man baddie. Finally, Swordsman, former Nazi noble who can create electricity with his sword. Oh, and the psychopath Bullseye, but he’s never good press so that have to keep him hidden.
I’m not going to show you the whole fight, though you do deserve some of the highlights. By the way, odds aren’t good for Jack Flag. That’s probably why they picked him to subdue for the Thunderbolts’ first public mission.
Pretty good so far, right? Too bad Penance is way stronger than he is.
So with him properly beaten up, it’s time to flee and live to fight another day. He may be a sidekick, but he isn’t a dumb sidekick. Of course, because this series is called Thunderbolts and not Jack Flag, his escape gets hampered. That jerk Bullseye.
Game over. Want to see his final moments in the arc?
Luckily for us, Jack Flag returns to comics just under two years later. Sadly, the Superhuman Registration Act still reigns strong, and our protagonist sits in jail. Well, the superhuman jail called the Negative Zone. It’s a separate dimension filled with lots of deadly creatures and conquerors. Thankfully, previously working with Captain America does have its advantages, like leadership skills and the ability to narrate large chunks of a few issues of the Guardians of the Galaxy series.
So where is he now? Luckily, working with the space superheroes gives him access to special medicine. Freshly non-paralyzed and unable to return to Earth, he does the only responsible thing a superhero can do.
And he’s been traveling the cosmos for the past two years with the Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh, I don’t know where he found hair dye in the alien superprison either. Your guess is as good as mine.
Deadpool joins the X-Men
Posted: 08/27/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 Comments
Simple enough, right? While Deadpool’s not technically a mutant, he did go through that whole Weapon X program that gave Wolverine that awesome admantium skeleton. They also tortured Wolverine, erased all his memories, and made him into a mindless killer for decades, but unbreakable bones are kinda cool.
Though in our story for today, which takes place in Deadpool #16-18, written by Daniel Way and drawn by Paco Medina, he takes the direct, in public approach. It goes as you expect.
But the X-Men are comic’s equivalent for any oppressed minority group in our real world. And appropriately, Deadpool’s unlikable reputation and desire for reformation aren’t totally lost on the San Francisco-based group.
The lady with cross-boobs lady is right, and the X-Men should hang their head in shame. Luckily, before the angst and tears can be brought out, a situation develops. One that’s strangely non-violent. Probably because Deadpool’s not involved yet. If you think the X-Men are only good at shooting fireballs or blasting eye lasers, you’ve never seen their legal skills.
Now, I didn’t want to show you all of that. I’ve cut out about two-thirds of this arc, but that little situation sets up a bunch of stuff you’re going to need to know.
Norman Osborn, aka the Green Goblin, currently happens to be the director of HAMMER, the anti-terrorism group that replaced SHIELD. He reports directly to the president of the United States, and commands tens of thousands of soldiers and superheroes. Also, he’s an amoral, power-hungry jerk who’s not above manipulating situations to make his enemies look bad. Like this mutant parent. More importantly, you know the X-Men have already solved the problem with just a few pieces of paperwork.
We should check in with Deadpool.
And our central conflict begins:
Oh, fantastic plot twist! Deadpool, as a favor to the X-Men, decides to plop a few bullets in Kincaid. Unfortunately, that would only make the situation way worse, and also unfortunately, Deadpool’s too mentally deranged to be convinced otherwise.
Crazy stuff happens, hilarious jokes are made, and assassination attempts are committed. But I’m already pushing close to 30 images today, so you’ll have to read that part yourself. We’ll skip ahead an issue or so to Domino (the woman above) and her genius plot to stop Deadpool’s misplaced help.
You might not know this, but back in Deadpool’s Weapon X days, Domino served with him on their assassination squad. So despite the backstabbing and open hostility, they’re actually sort of friends. When she hears Cyclops and Wolverine scheming behind the scenes, she sets Deadpool free. Mutants might have weird superpowers, but they all still have hearts.
I could skip those few pages you just read and the story would still make sense. But if I did, you’d have to miss out on the next few images also, which provide an absolutely fantastic display of why Deadpool’s so crazy popular nowadays. Look, if you ignore his schizophrenia, his emotional and mental instability, and his wildly unpredictable nature, Deadpool remains one of the finest tacticians in the Marvel universe.
I haven’t forgotten about Osborn. If Deadpool succeeds in assassinating his target, the X-Men look majorly bad. Like a horribly complete loss of any public support or sympathy. And Osborn would like that very much. So much that he’ll secretly kill the guy himself if Deadpool flakes out.
Y’see, Deadpool’s not such a bad guy after all, killing Osborn’s sniper and all! Story’s over. Except for that whole loose end, where the X-Men and the world just believed Deadpool shot at the guy. We’re almost done, but I couldn’t leave my dear readers without showing you some of the highlights of the battle you’ve been waiting for all article.
I chose this arc, not just because it’s super funny, but it’s also the closest Deadpool ever really gets to a happy ending. You’ll see.
Because all Deadpool wants, the entire reason he’s trying to reform in the first place, is to gain the respect and admiration of his peers. And while he’s not going to be an X-Men, one out of two goals ain’t bad. Especially the warm, fuzzy goal.
Deapool’s Hit-Monkey problem
Posted: 08/20/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 4 CommentsDeadpool’s not well-liked in the Marvel universe. His tendency to murder, double-cross, and frequent violently impulsive behavior certainly doesn’t help. But c’mon, the Punisher has all those qualities too and he’s – oh wait, nevermind. Unlike the Punisher, Deadpool (real name Wade Wilson) still has feelings. And he decided that the best way to become beloved is to simply stop being bad.
Once Deadpool crosses over to the hero side, certainly the praise/attention/ladies will just swarm him to his heart’s content. So he goes to get advice from Spider-Man in Deadpool #19-21, written by Daniel Way and drawn by Carlo Barberi. If you don’t remember or know Deadpool’s deal, I explained his powers, history, and all that jazz in a previous article.
Though, he does have an infamous assassin reputation to shed first. Oh, and I decided not to edit out some of the language, it’s nothing major but probably not a good idea to read this with your six year-old on your lap.
Why yes, detective, he has.
But while Spider-Man doesn’t know this, Deadpool’s looking to make a fresh start. And murdering a convenience store’s owner and buddies ain’t going to help him much. That and his alibi.
More importantly, Wilson knows who committed all those gruesome murders.
Want to know why Deadpool comics have exploded in popularity? Darn tootin’, villains and insanity like Hit-Monkey. No backstory, no tragic history (well, actually the Hit-Monkey miniseries that came out after this explained all that). Just a monkey who kills people and it’s up to Deadpool and Spider-Man to stop him. Beautiful.
Understand that for the sake of story progression, I’m omitting most of the side plots and the corresponding jokes sprinkled throughout this arc. Sorry, go read the issues for those, because it’s totally worth your time. Either way, Wilson’s taken measures to protect himself, because even with an accelerated healing factor, getting shot hurts.
Look, we can beat around the bush and I can show you a few more scenes of the two bantering, but that’s not why you’re reading this, right? You want to see them battle Hit-Monkey, who looks exactly like a monkey assassin should.
Spider-Man and Deadpool have separately taken out villains that could easily destroy entire cities. Villains that have manufactured deadly diseases, hostile invasions, made the Avengers wet themselves. Heck, Spider-Man once defeated the Juggernaut. But both of them, in a matter of moments, had their butts handed to them by a monkey in a tiny suit. Don’t worry, because Hit-Monkey’s smarter than the average monkey. Also, possesses a lot more empathy.
Confused? Let’s have Deadpool and Spider-Man philosophize over primate morality while mixing in the appropriate amount of bathroom humor.
Deadpool and Hit-Monkey’s final battle arrives soon. How can our protagonist defeat the little predator? That’s right, ambush. Though, a constant rule among Deadpool comics forever holds that no one suffers more than Wilson’s allies and friends.
Now Deadpool gets to shine! He lured the monkey to a trap! He’s saved the city and avenged those who have fallen by the assassin’s hand! I mean, he would have if he wasn’t fighting something so adorable.
Thankfully, Spider-Man isn’t dead. If he was, we’d need a separate issue where he built a cocoon and birthed himself back to life (The Other joke, sorry). But Spider-Man realizes there has to be a way to solve this conflict with less violence and more words and ooks.
Never mind. Once a monkey assassin, always a monkey assassin.
And with that, the fight’s over. We know from TV, movies, and comics that the best ending always involves some sort of explosion. Plus, Deadpool can heal himself.
Yup, zero life lessons learned. Zero growth accomplished. Deadpool’s the Seinfeld of comics and we love him for it.
Spider-Man & Black Cat’s web-fling
Posted: 08/19/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 8 CommentsThat’s a dumb joke. I apologize. But I’ll never apologize for the crazy amount of Spider-Man articles. I adore him and I’m doing another one tomorrow.
So, if you don’t know about Black Cat (real name Felicia Hardy), she’s the Marvel equivalent of Catwoman. Not just in name, but also in the dark uniform, the shameless sexuality, and the whole thief thing. Only instead of hanging out with the quiet, confident, and single Batman, Black Cat swings around with the loud, insecure, and very much in a committed relationship Spider-Man. Well, until recently, when the demon Mephisto dissolved Spider-Man’s marriage. Game on.
We’re going to cover a few scenes from Amazing Spider-Man #606-630, written by Joe Kelly, Fred Van Lente, and Zeb Wells and drawn by Mike McKone, JM Ken Niimura, Michael Lark, Joe Quinones, and Chris Bachalo.
Spider-Man, after a truckload of lady problems thrown on him at once, decides to go clear his head:
But when stuff starts mysteriously going wrong, only one person could cause all that:
Besides expert martial arts training and peak physical fitness (that’s a basic requirement for superheroes, or I guess in her case, anti-heroes), the Kingpin gave her these “bad luck” powers. It’s not like a ray gun you can shoot at opponents, but a sorta aura emanating from her body. Anyone in range has a far higher possibility of awful things happening, like buildings breaking apart or both web shooters jamming. As you can imagine, she’s a terrible person to team up with.
Being a single man in his 20s, Spider-Man tags along. Also he’s emotionally damaged and she’s been attracted to him for 40 years of comics. Though to be fair, I read a comic where Felicia hooked up with Wolverine, and he is almost always referred to as smelling like beer and sausage, so I’m not entirely sure where her standards lie. Anyway, mission success for the two.
Note the most important part of the above pages: “You dumped me because you didn’t like what was under this mask.” Black Cat isn’t attracted to Peter Parker, heck, she doesn’t even know his secret identity. She’s hot for Spider-Man, and that’s a big difference. Luckily for Spider-Man, currently he doesn’t really care.
Black Cat’s not exactly a healthy relationship. Keep in mind, Parker’s unemployed, broke and lonely. Plus, his supervillains are constantly showing up and blowing up skyscrapers or eating their own children (not a lie). While dating Felicia’s definitely way better than say, getting stabbed or electrocuted, she provides about as much emotional support as Doctor Octopus.
Like I said, better than being trampled by Rhino, but also as much caring and love as Rhino. So when will Spider-Man say enough? There must be some cute girl that likes him as Peter Parker and genuinely wants to know how Aunt May is doing. Though, none who wear their cleavage like that. Takes a few dozen issues, but everything comes to a realization when the two sneak into a New York ninja village. Yeah, the city’s far more multicultural than you thought, huh?
Not yet. While Black Cat’s not terribly be concerned if Spider-Man flew through two buildings, that’s not the relationship’s back breaker. Y’see, the two planned to steal a vial of Spider-Man’s blood, which the supervillain Mr. Negative wanted to use to make a weapon. Big success for Spider-Man and Black Cat. Except it’s what Felicia does with the blood.
And if her selfishness and apathy for Parker’s feelings ain’t enough, she launches this gem:
So what now? Any hope for this relationship turning into the mutual beneficial emotional lovefest Spider-Man desperately needs has exploded into tiny shattered bits of his broken heart. Harry Osborn explains better than I do.
Oh yeah, Carlie Cooper, the nerdy forensic scientist Parker’s been flirting with for a bijillion issues. She must be better for Spider-Man than the sexy brutally unfeeling kitty that Spider-Man’s currently pursuing, right?
Yup, much better.
Random panels!
Posted: 08/14/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC, Marvel 1 CommentAs I read comics, I’ll come across a few panels that leave me delighted. Unfortunately, they’re either in issues I’m writing about but unrelated to my focus or in single issues I read picking up new comics on Wednesday. I don’t want them to go to waste, so I’m unloading my random panels for today’s article. I hope you enjoy.
Hulk fights space bears
The Incredible Hulk #10, written by Jason Aaron and drawn by Tom Raney
Everything about this scene is what makes comics great. Wacky, insane premises. Frustrated, confused superheroes. Punching zoo animals. And why not? The Hulk’s all about smacking around bad guys, so I’m glad the writers are letting him smack weirder and stranger bad guys. Don’t feel bad about the bears, they’re more machine than beast now.
Captain America negotiates with aliens
Steve Rogers Annual #1, written by James Asmus and drawn by Ibraim Roberson
Two main reasons I love this. First, the previous three pages have Captain America getting briefed on the current situation and all the strategies needed for a successful debate with this alien madman. And second, while a few of the bad guys have cool laser rifles, there’s one dude with that tiny old-fashioned Wild West pistol.
Beast vs. Iceman
Wolverine and the X-Men #12, written by Jason Aaron and drawn by Chris Bachalo
See? That’s why Beast is one of the smartest people in the world. What other battle strategy combines psychological warfare, enemy dismemberment, and staying fully hydrated?
Midnighter vs. Dex-Starr
Red Lanterns #10, written by Peter Gilligan and drawn by Miguel Sepulveda.
You get the idea.
The Future Foundation stops an invasion of Wakanda
FF #19, written by Jonathan Hickman and drawn by Gabriel Hernandez Walta
While the Fantastic Four may have defeated Galactus, devourer of worlds, don’t count out their kids and the other supergeniuses they pick up along the way. Y’see, science jargon and drastic world saving inventions litter the pages of Marvel’s most popular family. What has made Hickman’s run so successful (besides crazy earth-shattering revelations and battles), is that he’s thoughtful enough to throw in some low brow humor once in a while. And I thank him dearly.
Ms. Marvel walks all cool from an explosion
Ms. Marvel #20, written by Brian Reed and drawn by Greg Tocchini
Borderline arrogant internal monologue? Check. Not a drop of panic or fear? Check. Glowing eyes and zero smiles? Check. Perfect page.
Batman’s a jerk for absolutely zero reason
Batman #639, written by Judd Winick or Doug Mahnke
C’mon, Batman. Zatanna patiently answered every question you had and said nary a rude word to you. Though Batman’s line of work (beating up criminals) is stressful, and he can’t just go have a beer or watch reality TV like the rest of us. So sadly, saying mean things to teammates will have to do as a substitute.
Batman interrogates Penguin
Batwing #11, written by Judd Winick and drawn by Marcus To
Why’s this scene so great? Because the last panel’s written as if Batman’s in disbelief himself that a member of his rogue gallery, even after years and years of fighting crime, can still do something that crazily amoral. Imagine how many fist marks Alfred had to clean out of the circuit boards after Batman uncovered that little gem on the batcomputer. Best part: Just like his kung-fu, Batman hasn’t gotten rusty in his skills of scaring the crap out of supervillains.
Let’s do another one of these in two months or so, I enjoy this.
Ms. Marvel: a tale of two boyfriends
Posted: 08/12/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 9 CommentsKind of. It’s complicated. But in Mighty Avengers #6, this happened:
And thus began their relationship.
Ms. Marvel’s history (real name Carol Danvers) I covered in a previous article, but I’ve never before brought up Wonder Man (real name Simon Williams). I know he’s not terribly well-known or popular, but he’s been around since 1964 and was created by Stan Lee himself. So that has some cred, right?
Nazi supervillain Baron Zemo experimented on Wonder Man, originally a rich businessman, infusing him with a bunch of ionic energy treatments. I don’t know what that is either. But now he has super strength equal to Thor, can fly and has glowing red eyes. Good deal. Most importantly, he likes Ms. Marvel in that emotionally gushy way.
Today we’re taking a look at some select scenes from Ms. Marvel #6-27, volume 2, written by Brian Reed and drawn mainly by Roberto De La Torre and Aaron Lopresti. Now, the two superheroes are dating. Still, when Ms. Marvel crashes into a local restaurant after a fight with her clone (y’know, comics), she takes the responsible action and goes to meet with the incredibly good-looking owner, William Wagner.
Don’t forget that last line. Because when you have to sum up the two relationships, Ms. Marvel’s dating Wonder Man but Carol’s dating William.
Y’see, Ms. Marvel, currently a high-level SHIELD operative and leader of the Mighty Avengers, commands an immense amount of power and responsibility, but every failure (and she’s not very good her job) weighs down on her mentally and emotionally. Whereas out of her superhero garb, she’s just another attractive blonde walking down the street where the pressure remains far more manageable. Essentially, as Ms. Marvel/Carol decides which of the men she wants to pursue, it’s also a reflection on her two different lifestyles. Also, no one can fault her for wanting to date two good-looking fellas.
Well, shall we see how their date goes? Spoiler alert: delightfully.
Unfortunately, because superheroes also have super-timing, their inevitable fling gets interrupted by Ms. Marvel’s teenage sidekick/trainee (and eventual Spider-girl).
Y’know the whole great responsibility comes great power spiel. Poor Carol’s libido has to be put aside so they can do the whole save-the-city stuff. And best of all, dear civilian William totally understands as he goes back home and takes a very cold shower.
Oh, but where there’s punching, there’s Wonder Man, as he’s the other side of that superhero coin.
Ms. Marvel’s secret date is safe from the helpful eyes of Simon. And if you’re hoping for a big reveal and Wonder Man crashing into William’s apartment, it’s not going to happen. They never find out about each other, because that’s not what this story is about. It’s Ms. Marvel and her preferred lifestyle vs. her super-powered duties. And trust me, Carol and William are progressing quite well.
Chemistry! The only showers taken that night were warm and steamy. But this can’t last. Tragedy and conspiracy define a superhero, and in this case, it’s the latter. After all, happiness is fleeting in the lives of crime fighters. Makes stories boring if it’s all giggles and puppies.
Tough love, I guess? Immediately after this secret meeting, the supervillain MODOK brainwashes Wonder Man, which forces Ms. Marvel to take drastic measures.
And the aftermath, where a public smooch will force her to make her romantic choice:
Can you feel that sharp pain of rejection? The worst part? He’s on her superhero team, so once he pieces his shattered heart back together, they have to remain friends. I mean, they were before they dated, but now his love has to be more, I guess, brotherly. Plus, as you know and Carol doesn’t, choosing William over Simon means everyone loses.
We advance to our final act. Ms. Marvel lands smack dab in the middle of Marvel’s Secret Invasion event, where the shapeshifting alien species Skrulls invade Earth. The same Skrulls who have warred with the alien species Kree for decades, making Earth their battleground on more than one occasion.
Well, that sucks. Though my favorite two parts of comics just so happen to be angry superheroes and shocking twists, and luckily, this story has both.
Here’s the thing. William Wagner, the secret Kree spy, never shows up again. Yes, he’s alive somewhere, but neither his name nor his face pops up in this or any other comic series. And unfortunately, I don’t know the reason why. I hope he does one day, because I like the idea of superheroes dating normal civilians. Wolverine recently did it. Iron Man’s dated hundreds. Adds a layer of normality and character development writers can switch to when there’s a lull in the punching. C’mon, you saw how charming Ms. Marvel was when on her date when she wasn’t talking about Skrull battleships or wrestling sewer monsters, right?
For now and probably forever, just assume William Wagner has disappeared, another tragic moment in the fairly tragic life of Carol Danvers. Though, his abduction does lead to one final moment, the culmination of Ms. Marvel and Wonder Man’s failed relationship. Y’know, going full circle and all.
Wonder Man and Ms. Marvel will never date again. But on bed made of tears and regret, Wonder Man gets one night to express his lingering feelings of love. And that counts, sort of?
The whirlwind romance of Dr. Doom and Scarlet Witch
Posted: 08/08/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 5 CommentsY’know, if you list just their resumes, Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom seem like a compatible couple.
Scarlet Witch (real name Wanda Maximoff), born and raised in Eastern Europe, is the daughter of Magneto. She possesses the extremely powerful mutant power to alter reality and control Chaos Magic. Dr. Doom (real name Victor von Doom). also born and raised in Eastern Europe, is the second most powerful sorcerer in the Marvel universe. Plus he’s a technological genius and dictator of the country of Latveria. But will Dr. Doom’s evilness get in the way of a healthy, happy relationship? Don’t worry, he has a plan.
Until 2004, Scarlet Witch had been a card-carrying member of the Avengers. Devastated by the loss of her fictional children that she willed into existence, she took her anger out on the good guys, killing three Avengers and causing 99.9% of all mutants to lose their powers. Permanently. Appropriately, she disappeared for several years.
Cue the miniseries Avengers: The Children’s Crusade #1-9, written by Allan Heinberg and drawn by Jim Cheung. Wiccan, the now perfectly real son willed into existence by the Scarlet Witch, experienced some unstable reality-altering superpowers of his own. Nervous that he’ll go crazy and wipe out another innocent race like her mother, his Young Avengers team goes looking for Wanda. Well, they find her. Unfortunately, she lives in Dr. Doom’s castle and to say he doesn’t like unannounced visitors is like saying Iron Man’s fond of gadgets.
But’s that’s not going to stop Wiccan. After all, he’s a superhero.
Our conflict ignites! Scarlet Witch, unable to remember her origin or history, happens to be quite in love with the supervillain of the Marvel universe. Obviously, this must be a misunderstanding that Wiccan and Dr. Doom can discuss over Latverian tea and the bodies of Doom’s enemies. But that’s not how comic books work. No, this has to happen first:
I always find the most romantic moments in my life also happen next to an unconscious charred teenager. So you want to know some back story? I mean, who could love Dr. Doom (besides Dr. Doom)? Only fair I let the Latverian ruler explain.
Wiccan doesn’t trust Dr. Doom because there are 50 years of comic books telling him not to. Though without his powers, Wiccan’s kind of a wussy, no matter how strong his resolve. Luckily, you know who else doesn’t trust Dr. Doom?
That condition? Nope, not a dirt bike. Escape and all that jazz. Unfortunately, as much as Doom hates surprise visitors coming into his country, he hates surprise visitors trying to leave his country about the same.
Before Dr. Doom could answer a strangely reasonable question, the good guy cavalry arrives. Happens a lot actually. I’m pretty sure that as soon as any superhero gets superpowers, super-timing is thrown in as a packaged deal. Obviously, the Young Avengers bolt.
I’d be remiss not to mention that as reasonable as Scarlet Witch’s demand for honest answers may be, Dr. Doom’s honest answer is just as reasonable. Y’see, amnesia doesn’t solve mental illness, which Wanda has in droves. With Doom’s plan, the Scarlet Witch would have been forever happy as the non-powered queen of Latveria, and Doom would have protected both the planet and married a woman who loved him. Not anymore, because the Avengers and X-Men had to go all pew-pew. Plus, this happens:
Yay, right? Kinda. Sadly, all that newly regained power also comes with a complete recall of her past crimes and atrocities. And her rap sheet is extensive. But what kind of superhero comic would this be if not for a chance at redemption? And after all, her children are back from non-existence!
Unfortunately, the Avengers and X-Men interrupt the tender moment and start punching. Scarlet Witch single-handedly takes down both teams, but you have to buy the comic for that scene. And as the unconscious bodies of superheroes litter the lawn (a common theme in this miniseries), the Scarlet Witch teleports the Young Avengers away. But y’know, not to where they want to go.
Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom are still very much in love. And why not? Despite Dr. Doom’s tendency towards being a jerk and his hideously deformed appearance under that metal armor, it’s not impossible to believe that he genuinely cares for and loves the Scarlet Witch. Look, some supervillains are simple and easy to figure out. Red Skull or Mandarin, for instance, just enjoy destruction and evil. But arguably the two most influential supervillains in the Marvel world, Dr. Doom and Magneto, are majorly complicated with rich, tragic histories ant that may be a testament to their popularity and mass appeal. Just my theory.
Oh, now we get the real story of what happened and why she went crazy.
To be fair, he hasn’t been untrustworthy so far. Sorta. The magical ritual goes off without a hitch, and by that I mean the results are disastrous and the nexus life force or whatever it’s called goes haywire and violent. Though, out of everyone involved, one person certainly benefits. Not Scarlet Witch. She still has her powers. Not Wiccan. He gets all burn-y again. But Doom?
You know who isn’t used to compromising? Victor von Doom. Sadly, being a new superhero for the past minute or two won’t erase all those supervillain instincts. Like an obsession with power, and as much as he loves Wanda (very), he loves power much, much more.
Ah, now that last panel sounds more like the Dr. Doom we know and love. Why won’t these darn superheroes just let him create and rule over a perfect, wonderful world? It’s not like the godlike power will ever corrupt him or make him lose control, right? Actually, I also just summed up the plot of the Avengers vs. X-Men event going on right now.
So they all fight Doom and it goes badly. But Scarlet Witch has a last ditch move that may ultimately take down her former fiance.
As painful as the illumination fire and return to his disfigured body may be, nothing hurts more than his broken heart (sorry). So who’s the victim here? Surely the Scarlet Witch is the villain in this relationship, as she rejected his love over her doubts and lack of trust over his new abilities. But the blame goes to Doom. Once a supervillain, always a supervillain, no matter how many tears he’d be crying if he still had tear ducts.
Safe to assume they’re broken up. But don’t worry about Scarlet Witch. She’s attractive, self-confident, and nowadays dudes don’t mind dating women with kids. Oh, and did you know she went out with Captain America for a while? He’s a catch.
Thing loves Alicia
Posted: 08/05/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 1 CommentUnlike my previous article title with such a bold claim, this time I mean it. And vice versa. The two are fated to be together, because for all the self-loathing and frustration that comes along with Ben Grimm’s orange rock exterior, Alicia has forever been the permanent reminder that despite his ugly and bulky appearance, someone will always love him. Though when we pick up in our story, they’ve broken up. It happens, relationships are tricky.
Alicia Masters, a blind, gifted sculptress, has been a recurring character in the Fantastic Four comics since their 8th issue in 1962. And she’s not just thrown in as a love interest for the Thing. Nope, this civilian saved the entire world. Y’see, Silver Surfer, the herald who travels to planets on behalf of Galactus (devourer of worlds), crashed into her apartment after a fight with the Fantastic Four. There, Alicia convinced him of all the joy and goodness thriving on Earth and Silver Surfer switched alliances, fought Galactus, and saved the world from being eaten. I’m serious:
Spoiler alert: Earth’s not destroyed.
Anyway, Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic and smartest man in the world) has been patenting, selling, and inventing for over a decade. For every comically large bag of money thrown at him for creating the next world-changing device, he has to spend a fortune repairing the Baxter Building from attacks, covering every business expense, and making up for any revenue losses due to stuff like exploding Fantasticars and dimensional portals sucking in lab equipment.
Because Johnny Storm (Human Torch) and Sue Richards (Invisible Woman) are his brother-in-law and wife respectively, he has legal rights to plunder their bank accounts in case of emergencies. And since they’re superheroes, emergencies are every other issue. But he can’t touch Ben’s money, because “best friend” isn’t legally binding. So when the Thing inquired recently as to exactly how much was in his personal bank account, he learned the exciting truth: he’s a billionaire.
Today, we’re going to take a look at Ben and Alicia during Thing #1-8, volume 2, written by Dan Slott and drawn by Andrea DiVito and Kieron Dwyer. Unfortunately, the series only lasted eight issues, but if you get a chance, it’s a delightful read.
Despite the break up, Ben and Alicia have moved on. Alicia’s dating a sensitive, brilliant artist dude:
And the Thing’s dating a beautiful movie starlet:
Or was dating a beautiful movie starlet. Heaps of money comes with many rewards, like financial stability, unbelievable luxuries, happiness, peace of mind, envy of those around you, a personal chauffeur, and a few dozen more I’m missing, but let Tony Stark tell you, it doesn’t buy love.
Oh, probably forgot to mention the two of them were kidnapped with the other guests at a party and brought to the supervillain Arcade’s murderous amusement park island. My bad. But they’re freed now, because of Alicia (and Daredevil).
Y’know, because Daredevil’s enhanced senses can detect fluctuations in heartbeat, making him a human lie detector. So that’s not intuition he’s using, it’s cold, hard superhero science.
To take Ben’s mind off his lady problems, he decides to put his money to good use, building a recreation center in his old neighborhood off Yancy Street. It’s a tough place, where thugs with hearts of gold who just desire a better life angrily stroll the street with spraypaint and tiny melee weapons. But to build this place, he’s going to need a professional, and with his wealth, he can afford the best in town. Well, when he’s done reminiscing.
What did we learn in those above pages? Yes, the Thing misses Alicia, but more importantly, he has no idea Arlo and Alicia are dating. Not one little clue. Intelligence is mainly Mr. Fantastic’s role on the team.
And just because Arlo sounds like he came out of the musical Rent, he’s not going to lead on Alicia’s ex-boyfriend/giant rock monster.
While Ben can’t let go of his feelings for Alicia, at least he’s happy that she’s happy, which is far more than I can say for most of the relationships I’ve seen unfold on Facebook. But he’s also not going to give up. As you read in an earlier page, her birthday’s coming up, and he promised he’d take her out. If Alicia’s going to dump Arlo, this would be the last chance. Ben’s gotta go big. Oh, and he now has a giant teleporting dog. It lives on the moon.
So where do you take her that’ll wow her into changing her relationship status? How about traveling to the past by dusting off that ol’ time machine Reed Richards keeps in a spare room? If Arlo thinks a mini Venus de Milo can win her over, what chance does he have against the real thing?
Hercules! They’re drinking buddies 2,000 years in the future. But unfortunately, not now. To be fair to Herc, he sees a lovely young lady arguing with a seven-foot tall monster and he decides to step in. Also for a more perverted reason I’m not sharing with you.
They brawl for a while. Heavy hitters are fun to watch fight, because readers don’t have to worry about stuff like grace or acrobatics. I love crazy, complicated battles, but sometimes there’s nothing better than a simple exchange punches from dudes who can lift medium-sized airplanes
Oh, and that statue Hercules knocked the Thing into? Yeah, you don’t need a detective for that. Despite their rocky history (sorry), it’s not hard to believe why Alicia loved Ben in the first place:
Do they get back together? Of course they do, and not with some sort of poetry or chasing her down at the airport, but because Ben uses his brain. Sneakily. Romantically sneakily.
Told you, they’re fated to be together. I’d show you the rest of the issue and the series’ ending, but I actually already covered it in a previous article. Still, nice to see a happy ending once in a while, isn’t it? Always a pleasure to see the rock monster find real love. That and billions of dollars.
I hope this satiated your emotional comic needs, because heads up, the rest of this week is a sucker punch to your tear ducts. Oh, and Aquaman. Lots of Aquaman.
Arousing Grammar 