She-Hulk loves Juggernaut
Posted: 07/12/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 11 CommentsShe doesn’t. I’m lying. But in 2004, hidden deep in Uncanny X-Men #435, this happened:
And this single panel has sparked years of controversy, lots of retcons, and enormous amounts of jokes. I’ll explain in a bit.
Jennifer Walters, also known as She-Hulk, happens to be Bruce Banner’s (the Hulk) cousin. During a mafia-related attack, Walters gets shot and the only compatible blood donor is her big, green cousin. Also, it allowed her to turn into an angry Hulk and thus her adventures began.
Cain Marko, the stepbrother of Professor X, finds a secret temple of the mystical Cyttorak, who gives Marko his Juggernaut powers. He was a lackey of Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil, and not really much of a finely-tuned mind. I’m saying he’s dumb. With his supervillain history, his lack of charm, and his absence of respect in the Marvel universe, you can imagine that readers weren’t too happy with the She-Hulk/Juggernaut one-night stand. Though, it is hilarious.
As for She-Hulk, how does Marvel distinguish her from being just a female Hulk? Mainly, she retains all of her intelligence and self-awareness in her Hulk form, can pretty much transform and back at will, and has a successful career as a lawyer. But most importantly, the timid, unadventurous Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form becomes brave, fun, sexy, powerful, and everything Walters has always wanted to be. Like an overnight celebrity, just with only benefits. And as we see in the genius Dan Slott’s She-Hulk series, she uses her uninhibited, unafraid green figure to let go a little bit.
So with her promiscuity firmly established in the comic book world (and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that), let’s start with a quick few panels from her team up with Wolverine.
The superheroines love Wolverine. I don’t know why. He’s hairy, short, and probably smells terrible. But I guess you can’t deny that rugged masculinity, though he did just spend the previous page plummeting through a yeti’s chest. Except Wolverine ain’t having any of She-Hulk’s advances.
Which creates a running joke throughout her series and among the fans. So much so that a silly four page mini at the back of She-Hulk #25 had her break the fourth wall by barging into the Marvel offices about the Juggernaut claim.
Look, every woman has that one person they regret sleeping with, I know because I’ve been to college. But comic books are a creative business, aimed at retaining old fans and courting new ones. When writers make unpopular decisions, the company has to create stories that return the status quo or eliminate the decision entirely. Or simply leave it in and the readers will deal.
When Spider-Man and Mary Jane sacrificed their marriage to the devil (seriously), it was with the belief at giving the newly single Peter Parker a dating life would give writers more story options. As you can imagine, this decision was crazily unpopular. And yes, Peter Parker will one day marry Mary Jane again, because they’re meant to be. But despite fan outcries, Spider-Man is still single, and I think it turned out to be a wonderful choice. Plus, we can watch the two fall in love again. Eventually. While She-Hulk shacking up with Juggernaut isn’t anywhere near life-changing, the writers have it in their arsenal. And Dan Slott used the love incident perfectly for delightful comic effect.
It was brought up for story purposes:
And it was brought up for breaks in action:
In a world where the only limit is the imagination of the writer and artist, how does She-Hulk prove she didn’t sleep with Juggernaut? Did you say Walters should be transported to an alternative dimension to talk to an alternative She-Hulk? You’re absolutely right.
Y’see, this She-Hulk slept with Juggernaut, not the She-Hulk we know and love. But a She-Hulk definitely slept with the Juggernaut. And you know why this is an okay story device? Because it’s entertaining, and comic books are first and foremost entertainment.
We wrap this up with a happy ending for everybody!
Well, maybe not everybody:
Namor and fish politics
Posted: 07/10/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsDo you know about Namor the Sub-Mariner? I hope so. He’s one of my favorite characters, despite (or maybe because) his superhero costume looking like this most of the time:
No, he’s not European. That man’s the proud superhero king of Atlantis, that legendary underwater kingdom we all assume Amelia Earhart and Ernest Hemingway secretly live. Let’s go over a brief background for the buff merman.
Namor has been around for a while. Not just in comics (1939), but also in the Marvel universe, where he fought alongside Captain America in WWII as part of the Invaders superhero team. He also has the distinction of being the first mutant. Yup, before Cyclops and Professor X and all that jazz. Y’see, besides super strength, super speed, super durability, and underwater breathing he inherited from being half-Atlantean (his father was a ship captain), he can also fly. Which has nothing to do with Atlantean DNA. So how do you explain that superpower? Well, since he didn’t get into an industrial accident or have a mad scientist experiment on him, Marvel decided to retcon him into a mutant. It’s all good though, because now he can join the X-Men.
Most importantly, Namor is terribly confident, with an arrogance equal to other Marvel dictators. The killer abs certainly help. And in the Sub-Mariner miniseries, written by Mark Cherniss and Peter Johnson, his threats, cockiness, and fighting prowess really get to show off. Our article today examines Namor yelling at weaklings. And it’s awesome.
The story begins with some political issues. Not for long, though.
Turns out on the surface world, a group of Atlantean terrorists blew up a parade. Namor gets to figure out what’s going on. First stop, the supervillain Nitro.
Oh well. And since none of his loyal subjects are brave enough to solve this mystery, it’s up to the royal detective. Of which Namor is only one of those things.
I did mention political issues, right? One of the benefits of Namor stories is you get to add the kingly drama that made Game of Thrones such a hit. Just with blue sea dudes. Sure, Namor is the strongest and most powerful of the Atlanteans (hybrid DNA, y’know), but it’s not going to stop usurpers from living out their power-hungry dreams.
Spider-Man he’s not. Because Namor ain’t American, he doesn’t have to follow all those pesky laws that prevent him from maiming rebellious fish people. Unfortunately, that also makes him a threat to United States homeland defense when Atlantean terrorists blow up the homeland.
Despite all his fist-shaking, Namor is a superhero, not a villain. He’ll do sneaky, morally objectionable things, but Al Qaeda he’s not. So now he gets to go on a field trip to stop a radical fringe group of his own people so Atlantis isn’t foreign threat #1. Unfortunately, stuff like this keeps happening:
And this:
A constant theme you’ll come to realize is Namor’s buddies not acting all buddy-buddy. Luckily for us, Namor has little control over his ego-laden temper. He also gets a rough refusal from his supercrush the Invisible Woman. But you have to read the miniseries for that scene.
Also, what comic would this be if he doesn’t run into a major supervillain? A terrible one, that’s what.
How could you not like Namor after this fight? I’m not exaggerating when I say Namor’s one of the heaviest hitters in the Marvel universe. His strength is about equal to The Thing. He has over 80 years of combat experience. Oh, and he commands one of the strongest armies in the world. Don’t mess with Atlantis.
I’m skipping around, as you can tell, but he does finally meet up with the terrorist faction. Led by his estranged son. Where he beats the crap out of all of them.
With that situation wrapped up, our hero can go back to the delicious salmon and sea bass in underwater palace. Well, except for one little problem. A total rebellion sparked during his time away. How do you stop the conflict and regain control of your throne? By being majorly scary, that’s how.
Oh, and that hair’s breadth from a full-out war with the surface stemmed from the terrorist attack? Well, Namor’s going to kill two birds with one stone. First with a revolutionary idea:
And then with a chilling speech:
Politics ain’t easy, but thank goodness for leaders with rock solid ideals and abs who can make the tough decisions to spare his people. Now he can go back to seducing Cyclops’ girlfriend.
Iron Man: Orator
Posted: 07/08/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsTony Stark’s flamboyant personality makes him the natural spokesman of well, everything. Sure, Captain America knows how to make the riveting pre-battle speeches, but who speaks for superheroes when they’re at a press conference or plain ol’ meeting? That’s where Iron Man flies in.
Let’s take a look at three Stark speeches, two from Avengers Disassembled (written by Brian Michael Bendis) and one from World War Hulk (written by Greg Pak). Get ready for a ton of word bubbles. Oh, and a bunch of spoilers.
Iron Man dissolves the Avengers
So after a whole bunch of awful stuff happening within the span of a few issues (Avengers dying, mansions blowing up, jets crashing, etc.), the Avengers decide to disband. I’m sad also.
The man has to take care of business first. But why is he distancing himself from the armor? That’s the second speech. Though he should probably just wear a suit in case one of the paparazzi has x-ray vision or whatever. You never know in a world with superpowers.
I already told you this is the speech that Iron Man dissolves the Avengers, but this is the first time these characters have heard about this. And not happy either. You know, the whole continue despite setbacks thing they seem to be fond of.
Y’see, Captain America, the Falcon, Wonder Man, etc., they get their paychecks through the whole Avengers program. They wake up, beat up some supervillains, go to sleep that night. Rinse and repeat. But Stark still runs his company, despite pouring billions into the Avengers. So all those CEO responsibilities, those thousands of employees, those duties he can’t delegate to Pepper Pots: he has to spend most of his day dealing with that.
You can shed a tear or two. Though the Avengers come back the next month. Just a poorer team. Still, this is a bummer. Want to see a crazy Tony Stark?
Iron Man goes crazy
Did you know Iron Man used to be Secretary of Defense? Of the United States? Took a combination of repulsor rays and political savvy to secure that position. That means he gets to make a big fancy speech in front of the United Nations. Unfortunately, this is during the Avengers Disassembled arc, so it doesn’t go well.
Yeah, he’s good right? Sure, he’s wearing bright red and yellow armor, but his gravitas and professionalism certainly make up for it.
Sweating is the universal sign that something bad is about to happen. I promise you air conditioning is at full blast – important people are sitting there. Y’see, Iron Man used to be a drunk. Well, I mean, he’s always going to be an alcoholic, but he no longer drinks. Which means this next outburst makes absolutely no logical sense.
Probably don’t need to mention he’s no longer Secretary of Defense after this debacle. The peacekeeping organization doesn’t look too kindly on threatening to blast other delegates. What causes him to act this way? I don’t want to spoil anything too much, but reality warping superpowers can do crazy things. Like getting Stark all pseudo-drunk.
Okay, so Hank Pym (Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Yellow Jacket, etc.) did backhand his wife in a super famous comic from 1981. And comic book fans have never forgiven the character, no matter how much good he has done since then. I mean, Pym’s one of the original Avengers – he even joined before Captain America did. But this one panel still taints Pym 21 years later. Though it’s kind of funny for Iron Man to bring it up randomly. Especially since Pym wasn’t getting outta his nose, man.
But all we’ve seen so far has Stark being the bearer of sad news and being a raving lunatic. What about the heroic, inspiring Iron Man we know and love?
Iron Man fights for humanity
I’ve covered World War Hulk in a previous post. After Hulk’s army takes out Black Bolt and the moon, he makes a space proclamation: evacuate New York City and hand over the rest of the Illuminati (which includes Iron Man). Big surprise, the government doesn’t listen. Especially Stark, who’s the current Director of SHIELD (aka Nick Fury). Luckily, Iron Man has a bijillion dollars, and he puts together the toughest, strongest, meanest armor he has ever made. The Hulkbuster. But not while explaining what’s going on the American people. And it’s beautiful.
Y’see, this is the man taking responsibility for his actions that caused the current situation. And not an apology either. Give him a cigar to smoke on and he’d be the manliest man in the country.
Yay for Iron Man! Saving the world one punch at a time. Remember last week when I talked about Iron Man’s battle strategy? He’s never been the most powerful hero, despite wearing a billion dollar suit. He has limits that say, Hulk, doesn’t have. So how does he win most of the time? Because he’s way smarter than everyone he fights. Stark’s a tech genius and comic book technology’s only limitation is whatever the writer desires. Which means Iron Man can do stuff like this:
And that:
Explosions don’t stop the Hulk. Really, nothing does. But now that the speech is wrapping up, we get an inside glimpse into Iron Man’s inner thought process. And it should make you cry, because you’re a person with feelings.
Unfortunately, this is from World War Hulk #1, so Iron Man ain’t coming out on top. But valiant effort, right? I’m proud of him too.
The Avengers fight Nazi mechs
Posted: 07/05/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 5 CommentsHey, did you know last year, the Avengers fought an army of Nazis mechs? I’m serious.
It’s scary stuff. And more importantly, a delightful part of the Fear Itself event, the main series written by Matt Fraction. It’s kind of a complicated mess, so let me explain briefly.
You know Red Skull? Captain America’s main baddie? Hitler’s right hand man? Well, he’s dead. His daughter, Sin (who also has a skull face), found a magical Thor-esque hammer and used it to call forth Serpent, some evil Thor legend. Sin gathers up a Nazi mech army she just had lying around and plans to conquer Washington DC and New York City. Thus starts Fear Itself.
I have two purposes here today. I want to show you cool pictures of the Avengers fighting Nazis, because what sensible person wouldn’t want to see that? And also, when fighting an evil Thor Nazi army, you’re going to need a leader for the good guys. A strong, passionate, respected leader. Patriotic wouldn’t hurt. First though, let’s see some fighting.
The fight began in the DC, as you can see from the Capitol Building exploding. I’m always surprised at how many Nazis still run around in the Marvel universe. Sin didn’t break out all the Aryan Brotherhood members from prison. Nope, these are just your normal everyday Nazi mech pilots running around. Who will save Obama?
While that’s totally a real kung fu guy, that Captain America is not the same captain who commanded the Hulk in the movies. That’s Bucky Barnes, Cap’s sidekick from WWII turned Russian super spy turned vigilante turned new Captain America. His team doesn’t do so well, since none of them have superpower to destroy giant robots. Also, Bucky gets killed. Hammer through the chest. But don’t shed any tears, because no one stays dead for long (he’s already back).
Now the fight moves to New York, where half the superhero community lives. And we get to see lots of cool dramatic pictures of superhero posing while explosions rock the background.
That’s Daredevil. He totally takes out all of those, because you don’t mess with Daredevil.
I could end the article right here and I’d be 100% satisfied. I love comics.
But as strong as the Avengers are (very), they’re lacking the coordination and leadership that will bring about their victory. If only a man would parachute into the fray to inspire hope for the weary troops. Who could stop our heroes now?
Except for the giant evil hammer-wielding supervillains, I guess. A Red Skull offspring is still a Red Skull. Don’t you get that twinge of excitement when your favorite heroes go up against their most well-known and dangerous villains? What about when their villains now have Thor powers? We love when superheroes go shopping or play cards, but nothing gets the juices flowing more than punching. And the more significant the baddie who gets punched, the faster the juices flow. In a non-dirty way.
So the fight’s not going well. He’ll persevere, even when Sin’s boss shows up. Like watch this move:
Oh, never mind. That’s bad. Someone doesn’t want to play.
But the Avengers pull off a win. Yes, the city is ruined. Yes, Avengers tower collapsed. And it’s less of a win as much as the fight shifts to Oklahoma, where Asgard resides. Y’see, the Serpent, who commands all the evil hammer monsters, is less focused on conquering the world as much as taking down Odin, Thor, and all the Nordic gods. But Odin and his army ain’t fighting. And you know who it pisses off? You’re absolutely right: Captain America. Especially when Thor got his butt kicked back in New York. He fought well, but as strong as Thor is, he has a bit of trouble taking down a possessed Hulk and Thing. At the same time. Both with Thor powers. A+ for effort though.
Odin refuses, because he’s an old-fashioned jerk. Not going to stop the captain. He doesn’t need an army or shield or hope. That man fought in every major battle in WWII and a Nazi mech army with hammers isn’t going to be enough to take him down. Maybe.
And that’s where issue six of seven ends. And this is what begins the final issue:
Many non-comic book readers don’t give Captain America enough credit. He’s not as fast or strong as the other Avengers, but none of the others would single-handed fight an entire army of gods. With just bullets. Well, Wolverine probably would, but he’s not there. And because conflicts thrive on last minute saves, the Avengers finally show up. With cool new weapons.
But what about poor Captain America? He lost his shield and in the comic book world, a hunting rifle can’t compete with a magic battleaxe. Even Thor gets an awesome suit of armor and mystical sword. It’s all good, because turns out the thunder god has an extra weapon lying around. Y’know, the one with the engraving, “Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”
Do the superheroes win? Yes, of course they do because we’re post-Heroic Age. But read Fear Itself and tie-ins. The fight scenes are wonderful, the conflicts huge, and the characters emotional. You deserve it.
Spider-Man’s sidekick Virtue, Pt. 2
Posted: 07/03/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 3 CommentsLet’s finish our story! Last we left off, Ethan Edwards (Virtue) had his identity shown to the world because he didn’t do stuff like wear a mask or not look directly at a camera. But just as the cluster of problems began, Spider-Man received a phone call. Turns out the Fantastic Four discovered Edwards’ true origin story.
Well? Where is it from? Behold as Superman’s parody has his birthing get a brand new twist.
So far, so good, right? Planets explode or get eaten by world devourers all the time. Though I still don’t think the most feared being in the galaxy should wear a tunic. When your world is doomed and you happen to have a sphere spaceship just big enough for an infant, what would you do? Absolutely ship that child away. In your dying breath, you know that you have given your baby a chance at peace and happiness. Feels good, right?
Except notice a special word? Yessir, conquer. Virtue’s people plan to swarm the planet and create monuments of the good ol’ days when their planet wasn’t eaten by evil beings who don’t wear pants. What shapeshifting Marvel alien species would do such a horrible thing?
Surprise! Ethan Edwards is a Skrull! Not only that, the brother of the original Super-Skrull. Why are the Fantastic Four nervous about this revelation? Well, supervillain Super-Skrull, because of his bioengineering, has the powers of the entire foursome. Also, he wants to conquer the world for his fellow Skrull people.
Skrulls are a complicated, confusing alien race that the Celestials (space gods) evolved from reptiles millions of years ago. They had wars, broke into different factions, and eventually united under an emperor and governors spread out over almost a thousand planets. Secret Invasion, a big Marvel event, revolved around the Skrulls trying to conquer Earth. But back to Edwards.
The difference as we see, is that Virtue’s upbringing as a God-fearing farm boy gives him none of the sneaky ruling impulses that characterize his people. Still super crazy though. Oh, and new costume with a shark fin hat.
The Skrulls wouldn’t implement some sort of mind controlling device inside the space sphere to awaken Virtue to his true mission and purpose, right?
You’ve read enough comics or movies or TV shows to know the best way to break a dude out of mind control, right? Did you say sentimentality? I guess that or blows to the head.
Why do crazy people wear aluminum foil hats? Obviously so they don’t get transmitted a ton of information/mind attacked from whatever conspiracy they’re paranoid of that week. Edwards forgot to wear his hat.
He flies back to New York City, because this is a Spider-Man title.
What bigger issues you ask? Well, turns out our friend Edwards has some doubts about his origin. Y’know, something that’s going to trigger a fight between him and the web-slinger. Also, while I haven’t personally experienced this, it must suck to believe you got your powers from God when you’re actually an evil alien readying your home to serve on a silver platter to your overlords.
In his anger and frustration, he serves up some beatdown to the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four live. They’re still in Iowa or something. Oh, and Spider-Man’s buddies arrive.
When punching doesn’t work, elderly aunts and their rationality superpower will save the day. Edwards’ upbringing instilled in him by his parents isn’t something to count out. Because he’s not a supervillain and doesn’t have the moral ambiguity to become one. Sometimes, a little reminder can go a long way. Like not breaking Captain’s America’s face.
Rarely do fights end on such a sweet note. Though most fights do end with a flush supply of battered heroes. With that, Virtue’s story comes to an end. Oh, you want one final twist?
Exciting, right? Unfortunately, you don’t see Virtue starring in any comics anymore. He appears in the New Avengers and Avengers Annual #1 as part of a superhero team who wants to take out the Avengers, but he’s a minor character at best. Though luckily he still wears the leather in those. Also, have you thought about Jesus? He gives Skrulls healing powers.
Spider-Man’s sidekick Virtue, Pt. 1
Posted: 07/02/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentThe movie comes out today, so let’s do a Spider-Man article! Also, I’m always looking for an excuse to do a Spider-Man article – he’s simply delightful.
This story first appears in Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #13 through #18, written by Reginald Hudlin. Poor Peter Parker just got fired from his day job as a high school science teacher. The same Parker who created web fluid as a teenager, can follow Mr. Fantastic’s invention descriptions, and married actual supermodel Mary Jane Watson. Alas, a constant theme in Spider-Man’s life is that his costumed persona interferes with his potential as a civilian, always keeping him underutilized in society. Fortunately, starting in the Spider-Man arc Big Time about a year or two ago, Parker gets employed as a super scientist in a super scientist laboratory.
Back to his penniless days, his paycheck will have to come from the one man he knows he can count on for abuse/money. He bumps into a new reporter on the way into J. Jonah Jameson’s office and our story begins here.
Notice anything familiar? Did you say a Superman parody? And trust me, this is a parody, because Ethan Edwards has only appeared in eight comic book issues total. But besides a good time, this arc demonstrates the absurdity of Superman’s secret identity in the Marvel universe.
Look, we know that glasses don’t disguise anybody. The readers and writers have an understanding that because Superman was created 70 years ago, we have to suspend our disbelief for the sake of storytelling. I mean, the DC universe’s greatest superhero took up until last year to finally wear his underwear inside his pants – we can handle that Clark Kent’s nearsightedness fogs up everyone’s Superman/Clark Kent epiphany. But not in the Marvel universe. They’re all edgy or something.
In a neat little twist, Edwards has one more personality trait sorely lacking from most superheroes.
The religious thing, not the healing. Anyway, in a shocking twist, the two head to a news story when a bad guy attacks the city! Spider-Man certainly shows up to save the day, but who is this mysterious new superhero?
Nope, that’s not the leader of a train robbers gang. Can you guess the identity of this stranger? Of course you can. Also, he called Spider-Man Peter, which happens to be his biggest pet peeve after high school bullies.
You know the best part of new characters? Origin stories! How did Edwards become New York’s newest superhero? Are you sitting down? Buckled in? Get ready, this will shock you.
Any lack of doubt to the Superman comparison has been completely wiped out. Throw in brown hair and less religious talk, and Edwards has just married a sassy reporter, punched a bald billionaire, and teamed up with Batman. While not the world’s greatest detective, Spider-Man possesses enough sense to realize that maybe Edwards should be tested, in case his powers come from being Magneto’s secret love child or born on an Indian burial ground. Who do you go to when you need testing? The world’s smartest man, of course.
Oh, and finally I can call him Virtue. Edwards is a terrible name for a superhero. Oh, Virtue’s powers?
Want to know Virtue’s actual past? Too bad, I have more story to tell first.
Kind of nice that Spider-Man gets a crime fighting buddy, right? I mean, Daredevil is a terrible conversationalist, the Punisher ain’t up Spider-Man’s moral alley, the Human Torch’s busy with the Fantastic Four, and Wolverine spends most of his time at the Avengers tower hitting on Mary Jane. Virtue may be a crazy enigma, but they work together at the Daily Bugle and Edwards needs to kill some time. Perfect combination for a sidekick. Y’know, except for one tiny problem.
Don’t worry, Virtue’s got this.
Oops. I read once that Clark Kent’s secret involves not only glasses, but also bad posture and he raises his voice an octave. So as you can tell, Edwards made some big mistakes by not being a hunchback. No worries, Virtue can fix his blunder.
Okay, I should stop being so optimistic. But most importantly, the Fantastic Four’s curiosity led them to Edwards’ space pod in the heart of Iowa. Spider-Man gets a call on his spider-phone.
We finally get the big reveal! Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow because this article’s super long already and I still have like fourteen pictures left. I can feel the suspense building.
Thor vs. Iron Man
Posted: 07/01/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 40 CommentsSince the 2006 Marvel comics event Civil War up till just a year or two ago, Tony Stark hasn’t been terribly well-liked in the Marvel universe. This isn’t some sort of Spider-Man public menace charade. No, he deserved it. Essentially, he became The Man, holding down superheroes who didn’t trust or forcibly side with the government, which is pretty much all of them. Also, his team went up against Captain America’s, and any team the captain sides with will always be the good guys.
Oh, but you know who missed the entire Civil War event? Yes, the Hulk, but that’s a different story. I’m talking about Thor. Sure, Iron Man cloned Thor using his DNA and had the clone fight Captain America’s underground Avengers, but the actual Asgardian was occupied with other matters. Like being dead.
Luckily, gods don’t stay deceased for very long and Thor, wanting to bring his homeland and all his friends killed in Ragnarok back to life (he had a busy year), warped the entire city of Asgard to rural Oklahoma. Well, if you know anything about zoning laws, the government isn’t terribly thrilled. And to be fair, Thor didn’t fill out a single piece of paperwork. So in Thor #3, written by the phenomenal J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Olivier Coipel, Stark pays his buddy a visit. It’s a bad idea.
You know who’s not big on small talk? Nordic thunder gods.
The second half of the 2000s tended to go with themes of distrust, betrayal, and ruined friendships. The Civil War split the superhero community into two, Secret Invasion followed with the premise that any superhero at any time could be an evil shapeshifting Skrull. Dark Reign after that had Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin) as the sadistic leader of national security with the American government mostly under his control. Siege and the Heroic Age debuting in 2010 finally stopped pitting superheroes against other superheroes, which was a welcome change of pace. But this story we’re reading now takes place right smack in the middle of this moral ambiguity mess. Lucky us.
Spoiler alert: he says no.
In the superhero community, words never solve problems. Solutions always come down to fists, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But despite what the movies say, in the comic books Thor severely outpowers Iron Man. The thunder god has Hulk-level strength, probably the strongest electrical superpowers in the Marvel universe, and can take blows for hours. But Stark is much smarter, far sneakier, and possesses technology that can do miracles. As long as Iron Man doesn’t get into a fistfight or charge Thor, he could possibly come out on top.
Okay, maybe I’m wrong. One could make an argument that Thor is the Superman of Marvel – not in terms of moral code or a symbolic nature, but in terms of sheer toughness. And unfortunately, Thor has no weakness to kryptonite or frost giants or whatever. So you know when I said Stark shouldn’t charge the god of thunder?
Iron Man can lift up to 100 tons, possibly more if he wanted, but Thor could push the moon. In the Iron Man comics, Stark usually wins because of a technological epiphany or careful planning ahead. Maybe a secret weapon or virus or power dampener or something. So how does one take out Stark, the man who has a doohickey for every scenario and possible attack? Easy. A combination of impossible levels of strength and a swift, precise brutality. Write that down in your notebook for the bullies at school.
Battle over. What’s my prize, you ask? Have you ever wanted to see a scary, threatening Thor?
As politically connected as Iron Man has become, he still has a buttload of politicians, generals, magicians, etc. to answer to, and if you’ve ever seen old men in positions of powers, they don’t react well to failure. And Stark failed. Badly. But he’s still one of the smartest men in the world, and that doesn’t just include engineering. Besides Nick Fury, Iron Man may know more political loopholes and maneuvering than any other superhero in the country. You don’t get to run a trillion dollar corporation without knowing how to get around laws and restrictions.
Yay, problem solved! Only loss is Stark’s billion dollar suit and a relationship that can no longer be mended over a goblet of mead.
You see? Sure, the fight has a clear winner and loser, but our hearts are torn asunder regardless. Luckily, superheroes are now back to fighting supervillains, because at least at the end of those fights, one of them smiles.
Luke Cage & Jessica Jones get married
Posted: 06/28/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 5 CommentsOur theme this week seems to be super sad endings, so let’s close out today with something happy.
Luke Cage premiered in 1972, as a street tough youth who was jailed for a crime he didn’t commit. I know, fictional police and lawyers are really awful at their jobs. There, he was subjected to a science experiment that gave him super strength and unbreakable skin. So like knives or bullets can’t penetrate his body. Realizing he needs to make some money, he starts Heroes for Hire, a superhero team that will help you out as long as you can afford them. Also, his first costume looked like this:
Tiara, silk shirt open to his navel, and a motorcycle chain as a belt. Let’s not beat around the bush – he started out as a blaxsploitation superhero. I’d like to show you his earliest comics, but they border on racist. Over time, he evolved into one of most reliable, likable, and toughest superheroes, even serving as the leader of the Thunderbolts and New Avengers. And most importantly, now his outfit is just a t-shirt and jeans.
Jessica Jones is another matter entirely. She’s the hard-drinking, chain-smoking, former Avenger private eye with a mouth that prevents most of her panels from being used in this article. Jones was first introduced in the comic Alias in 2001, written by Brian Michael Bendis. Alias printed under the MAX comic line, aimed at adults but still very much within the Marvel universe. You’d be looking for quite a while to find a character with more self-loathing and latent anger than Jones. Plus, many of her comics look like this:
Long story short with no spoilers, she used to be the bubbly superhero Jewel, who after an accident gained a little super strength and flight. After a horrific encounter with a horrific supervillain, she’s significantly scarred both physically and psychologically. So she quits the superhero business. But after a few flings with Cage, the two finally have the heart-to-heart talk they’ve desperately needed for 28 issues.
Cage doesn’t often spill his feelings (never), and for a man with unbreakable skin to expose his heart (sorry), please understand this is a fantastic moment. But oh, it gets better.
With that, the two officially become a couple. Fast forward a year or so later and baby Danielle (named after Iron Fist Danny Rand) sprung forth healthy and a welcome part of the Cage/Jones family. All that’s missing in their relationship is one final act of commitment:
No, not that.
I said not that.
I’m talking about the title of the article and the whole reason we picked up New Avengers Annual #1, also written by Brian Michael Bendis. Because honestly, only Luke Cage can handle the sweeping mood changes and ferocity of the feisty Jessica Jones. So let’s get right to the heart of the article – no more need to waste time.
Don’t let the celebratory nature of these panels distract you from the fact that Wolverine used a traditional Yiddish phrase.
I’m inclined to mention that in the pictures up to this point, Jessica hasn’t appeared terribly lovable. Trust me, she’s definitely a mess. The whole focus of Alias and the follow up series The Pulse followed her major insecurities and crippling emotional issues. But she’s absolutely worth the mountain of a man she’s marrying. And the wedding itself will prove it.
See? Luke Cage helped her put the drunken, masochistic lifestyle behind and allowed her to embrace the joy and tranquility she hasn’t experienced in years. I promise you have a happy ending. To this day, the two are still married, still in love, and neither one has turned out to be a Skrull, android, or Russian spy. Feels good, right?
While the infant hasn’t developed any superpowers, it’s really only a matter of time. Wait five years and a rugged, time-traveling Danielle Cage will burst through some dimensional gate to help the Avengers take down Thanos or Dormammu or whoever. But for now, let’s enjoy the simple moments. Moments that let us forget Luke Cage ever wore a tiara.
Princess Sandman and Spider-Man
Posted: 06/26/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentLet me tell you a story about a young girl:
A happy story with a happy ending! Except not, because as you probably guessed from the title of the article, her daddy’s Sandman.
Flint Marko, also known as Sandman, made his first appearance in 1963, a year after Spider-Man’s first comic. A lifelong criminal, Marko escapes from jail and finds himself stuck in a experimental reactor filled with irradiated sand. The sand bonds to his molecular structure and now his whole body is made of it. Cue Sandman. But you probably figured out his origin before I told you.
For forty years, he’s been a pain in Spider-Man’s butt. Also, because of his “condition,” Spider-Man can’t just punch him until victory. Do you remember that Peter Parker’s a science genius? He has to use heat, cold, water, cement, etc. – as long as it changes the structure of the sand, Spider-Man can pull off a win. Which also must make Sandman one of the toughest villains in the rogue gallery. Also one of the smelliest villains, since he’s unable to take a bath.
Well, how did Keemia end up in Sandman’s sand island hideaway?
Mystery solved. A talking snowman took Keemia away. You see the moral dilemma here? Keemia’s mother had been killed and her great-grandmother not exactly a responsible guardian. Now, Keemia’s every need is satisfied and her happiness is Sandman’s only priority. But, y’know, a kidnapping’s still a kidnapping.
Plus, I’m not a scientist or anything, but because of an entire molecule self made entirely out of sand, I don’t think Marko’s very fertile. Or possible of fathering a child. Now I may be wrong. The Marvel universe is a wacky place. For my sake, I’m going to assume Sandman’s not the actual father. And poor Spider-Man, he has to go visit Sandman’s island and have a little chat.
Granted, Marko has an extensive criminal record, but from what we’ve seen so far, looks like Spider-Man’s the villain in this story. Further confirmed with the intense child-superhero interrogation.
Okay, so Marko’s actions are illegal. Yes, he’s still stealing and murdering, but now he’s stealing and murdering for his daughter. I’m also guessing Sandman’s not bringing in a private tutor for Keemia.
Certainly Spider-Man realizes that the kid has no idea what’s best for herself, that Marko can’t be trusted, and leaving Sandman alone on an island will only lead to trouble. But the child’s happier than she’s ever been before. To “rescue” her, he’s going to have to wreck the most joy she’s ever had or will have in her life. Unfortunately, that’s part of the burden of superheroes. Stupid good guys.
We’ve had a tough journey. All sorts of beach perils. Sit back and relish in the satisfying, wonderful ending to the story:
Yeah, so not really satisfying or wonderful. Which brings up an interesting point I’ve addressed before: why is being a superhero always so heart-wrenchingly painful? No matter how many times Spider-Man beats down the bad guys, they’ll return 20 issues later. No matter how many times Spider-Man saves his Aunt May, she’s going to be captured again 25 issues later. No matter how many people he saves, Spider-Man will always be hated by the city he devotes his life to protecting. We’re not even counting the bijillions of bruises, broken bones, cuts, and concussions. And finally, when Spider-Man does everything right, when he rescues the delusional little girl from the grasps of an insane supervillain, his reward is just as bad as if he never rescued her at all. So why does he continue to be Spider-Man?
I had originally written a 400 word paragraph on the importance and societal role of Spider-Man, but I think the answer’s simpler than that. He’s not Spider-Man for some obsessive responsibility. Look, it sucks to take out the garbage, do the dishes, and go on errands around town. But you still do them, because that’s just how life works. Same thing with Spider-Man. He’s Spider-Man because someone has to do it and unfortunately, he got stuck with the job. Though the perks include meeting famous people, marrying a supermodel, and saving the lives of thousands of people, so it’s not all bad.
But enough overthinking. Let’s see some dancing tomorrow.
Jokin’ with Wolverine
Posted: 06/25/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentYesterday’s article had a cool fight, but you know what it was lacking? Banter.
What makes battles even better? When the heroes are cracking jokes during it. And we’re going to explore that today with Wolverine and a few of his buddies. You remember Wolverine, right?
Yeah, this Wolverine:
I like him. He’s short, hairy, grumpy, deadly, and has easily the worst haircut in the Marvel universe. His history is lengthy and complicated, but I’m sure you’ve heard of his unbreakable claws and speedy healing factor. We’ll save the back story for another day. Let’s have some fun in Wolverine #17 through #19, written by Jason Aaron.
Introducing his team up partner for this arc, Gorilla-Man:
Gorilla-Man’s an easy superhero to figure out. He’s got the body of a gorilla, but the intelligence of a human. The end. Strangely, Gorilla-Man (real name Ken Hale) has been around since 1954. Hale liked being a mercenary, but didn’t like the idea of dying. In his travels, he heard of an African legend that stated if you killed the Gorilla-Man, you get to be immortal. So he did. And unfortunately, one of the side effects turned him into the next Gorilla-Man. Though on the plus side, he is immortal. Like from old age and disease, not an adamantium claw through the chest. As you can imagine, Gorilla-Man isn’t a terribly popular superhero.
An old kung fu master and a child dressed like a Charles Dickens character follows them around. Because why not? Onward with the banter!
Regardless of their witty repartee, the fight doesn’t go well. The two non superheroes get captured. How sad.
Before we get to the second part of our story, I must point out this Wolverine story is delightfully refreshing. Y’see, he has a bunch of skeletons in his closet, so Wolverine stories tend to be dark, depressing, and violent. When you come across an arc where he travels through the center of the earth with a smart gorilla fighting dragons, that breath of fresh air cannot be sweet enough. Unfortunately, with the old man and child out of the picture for a while, who’ll take their place?
Fat Cobra, one of the Immortal Weapons! Do you know who Iron Fist is? He’s a billionaire blonde American who traveled to a mystical city in Asia and became their kung fu champion. He gets to project his chi into energy blasts or whatever someone uses chi to do. Luckily, a whole bunch of other magic Asian cities exist, each with their own kung fu champion and crazy chi powers. Together, they’re the Immortal Weapons. Iron Fist became an Avenger and for a long time fought crime in New York City as a mercenary with Luke Cage. And Iron Fist”s girlfriend looks like she stepped right out of a blaxploitation movie. But if you exclude all of that and the fact that Fat Cobra’s first appearance in the Marvel universe was only four years ago, Fat Cobra totally takes the crown as the best.
Continue the dragon fight:
Wolverine’ll be fine. But you know the best part of fighting ninjas in the earth’s core? They’ve never heard of The Illiad.
Primates wielding machine guns and obese guys punching each other rocks, right? But see how much better the fight has become with banter? It’d be hard to argue that Spider-Man wouldn’t be half as popular as he is today without the sheer amount of one-liners that man spews. Jokes during battles make them more fun, keep readers interested, and help justify convincing your wife that the boxes of comics in the basement will totally last the test of time.
So what do superheroes do after a successful mission? Drink? Yes, of course. They’re only human/gorillas after all.
Luckily there isn’t a no shirt, no service rule in the bar, right? I’m sorry, this is why I don’t write comics.
Arousing Grammar 