Batgirl & Superboy’s whirlwind romance

Even not-really-sorta sidekicks need love.  Only problem with being a superhero, besides the constant fear and danger, is the almost always tragic and traumatic origin stories.  Makes for some interesting stories, great personalities, and horrible ability at long-lasting relationships. Cassandra Cain (Batgirl) didn’t learn to speak until her teens, trained by her adopted father to read body language as the world’s greatest assassin.  Connor Kent (Superboy) is the genetically-engineered hybrid clone of Superman and Lex Luthor.  Perfect romantic match.

In Batgirl #39-41, written by Dylan Horrocks and drawn by Adrian Sibar, the two make the best out of disturbed teenage love.  We’ll start from the beginning.  Barbara Gordon (the paralyzed Oracle) decides she and Cassandra need a vacation on Batman’s dime.

As it happens in the it’s-a-small-world of superhero comics, Superboy’s vacationing on the same cruise.  Maybe they have discounts for the heroic types.

And the girl talk begins:

Okay, I’m not exactly sure what girl talk sounds like.  Probably not that.  Maybe most of the time Batgirl’s running around Gotham, the bad guys are too busy frantically running and getting jaws broken to sexualize Batgirl.  But c’mon, she’s been around Tim Drake (Robin) for a few years now, and that kid’s a total perv.

As you can imagine, trouble brews.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline.  Maybe it’s the raging hormones.  But when two budding superheroes team-up, sparks fly:

Okay, real quick.  Yes, there’s not much basis for this passionate kiss, but I have theories.  Most likely scenario stems from Oracle begging Batgirl to let loose, have some fun, and enjoy something besides crushing the ribs of henchmen.  While the two don’t have much in common, Cassandra can do much worse than Superboy’s lighthearted charisma and boyish good-looks to break in that whole romance thing.

By the way, Superboy’s secret identity?  He doesn’t wear a mask, doesn’t wear glasses, and his civilian clothes have the Superman logo plastered all over them.  Batgirl may be a talented detective, but this isn’t exactly a Sherlock Holmes-type mystery.  With Cassandra taking Connor up on his visitation offer, time for him to sweep his date off her feet.

You just saw the last romantic page in this issue.  What follows are ten pages of lovely attempts gone horribly distracted.  Here’s a few highlights:

Punching giant space slugs can ruin an evening.  As hard as Superboy tries, the superhero curse of inevitable interrupting trouble takes down any chance of sweet moments.  It’s like Aladdin and Jasmine during A Whole New World if the two had to stop the song every thirty seconds to sword fight monsters or douse flying carpet fires.

And the relationship ends after one issue.  Soon after this, Superboy starts dating Wonder Girl, who’s also named Cassandra.  Can’t beat a good thing, I guess.

A love reunion with Batgirl and Red Robin

Teenage superhero romance.  It’s not much different than real life, except with more jump kicks and ninja attacks.  And just like real life, super good-looking kids who are in incredible shape have a fair amount of love interests.  Nightwing’s list of paramours alone would make most sorority girls blush. But today, we’re about Stephanie Brown and Tim Drake, the replacement sidekicks.

I’ve covered Stephanie’s history before in a previous article,  And you should know Tim as the third Robin.  Back in the day when Tim had just hit puberty, the two became a couple:

I mean, a couple in the sense that Tim wouldn’t actually tell her his real name or where he lived or any sort of personal details.  Robin’s fear over Stephanie’s constant danger and his obvious lack of commitment broke the two apart.  That and Stephanie got pregnant with another man’s child.  Then she died.  But probably more of the first reason.

We jump forward more than a decade to Batgirl #8, written by Brian Q. Miller and drawn by Talent Caldwell.  Stephanie has since taken over the role of Batgirl from Cassandra Cain and Tim struck out on his own as Red Robin.

So they haven’t seen each other in years.  Stephanie’s resurrection took a while and time has changed them both.  Batgirl’s no longer an untrained mess of a fighter.  Red Robin’s personality now reflects more Batman than Robin.  But the feelings, oh, the feelings never go away.

You know what’s coming up next, right?  Unrequited love and an overwhelming insecurity?  Of course, but I meant team-up.

A few years ago, Bruce Wayne died taking down Darkseid.  It was super famous, I’m sure you’ve heard of it.  Tim didn’t handle the news terribly well.  His grieving process changed him into a darker superhero.  I’m no doctor, but I assume the tapering off of puberty and being the most dangerous teenage martial artist in the world would most certainly bring out an “edgier” side.

Okay, the mission’s simple.  Since Leslie Tompkins (the assassins’ target) is hanging out at a fancy rich people party, Tim and Stephanie will go incognito as themselves.  After all, Bruce adopted Tim a few years ago.

As you expect, the party takes a sour turn within moments.  Ninjas don’t have time to wait for exposition and cocktails.

It took me a while to understand what Stephanie means in the above page.  I’m no expert of comic book love, trust me.  But the “dance” where they fluidly fight bad guys together — that triggers all the old emotions to flow back to the top.  Like hearing a song that you and your ex would always listen to together.  For superheroes, it’s uppercutting henchmen instead of Katy Perry lyrics.

Well, kids, this is it.  Tim finally sees Stephanie as an equal and Stephanie remembers why she loved Tim in the first place.  Are you excited?  Years of will-they or won’t-they come down to the final pages of this issue!

The anticipation and suspense has been built so high that the artist forgot to draw in Batgirl’s pupils.

And there you go.  Rejection hurts.  Or it would if Red Robin wasn’t also sort of dating Lucius Fox’s daughter at the same time this is going on.  Fighting skills aren’t the only thing Tim learned from Nightwing.

Power Girl and the alien Fabio

(Author note: Due to recent time constraints, I have to lower the amount of posts per week in order to maintain both the quality of the comic selections and quality of my commentary.  I hope you understand and remember, I’ll always love you.)

You know about Power Girl?  I mean, I don’t want to be rude, but she and her Justice Society comrades are certainly less popular than their Justice League buddies.  Basically, she’s an alternative world Supergirl that became stuck on Earth after her dimension disappeared.

Here’s her first appearance back in 1976’s All-Star Comics #58, written by Gerry Conway and drawn by Ric Estrada and Wally Wood.

Her most popular feature are her, well, bustier assets.  Seriously, her costume actually contains a hole just for her cleavage.  But outfit aside, in 2009, she received her own solo series and it was delightful.  I loved every issue of it.  The series maintained exciting action, interesting characters, and most importantly, a wonderful sense of humor.

Now, it’s not rude to ask if you’ve heard of Vartox, because he’s quite a minor character.  He had his first appearance in 1974’s Superman #281, written by Cary Bates and drawn by Curt Swan & Bob Oksner.  His costume alone tells more about this character than words ever could:

Amazing, right?  The horrible upward angle that emphasizes his package.  The underwear and vest combo added with his hairy chest.  That 1970s porn ‘stache.  This character must have required an amazing amount of “help” to come up with.

Well, he returns in Power Girl #7-8, written by Justin Gray & Jimmy Palmiotti and drawn by Amanda Conner, remaking his character exactly how he should have been in the first place.  First, a little alien back story.

No way this can’t go badly.  Look, if you’re seducing a Superman relative, gotta go big or go home.

Seduction not going as planned.  But when a foreign man wearing nothing but a space vest and a speedo, the ritual will certainly move to Plan B.  Not a pun.

You know what always brings superhero couples together?  Fight banter, of course.

So you know how in comics the initial disdain of a team-up eventually turns to understanding and blossoming love?  Not really having that effect here.  Though we all know any man with a Hulk Hogan mustache has a Plan C ready to go.

Okay, let him explain.

You see what a dash of sensitivity and charm can do?  Now he can drop the stud charade and get to know Power Girl as a caring, loving individual.

Or not.  Despite never really being anything but disgusted by the man, Power Girl does warm up to him.  Slightly.  After they get pizza for dinner, the true reason for the quick mating process reveals itself.  And c’mon, Vartox really just seeks the continued prosperity of his own sexy planet.  That’s what being a sexy ruler is all about.

Luckily for both of them, Vartox’s alien species doesn’t require that normal physical intimacy. Mainly because Power Girl can’t bring herself to desire either of those.

How sweet!  Because she never has to actually touch the dude, saving an entire planet with her uterus energy has some legitimate appeal.  Suckered into good deeds is part of the superhero code.

Do you see the beauty of this arc?  Vartox, the misogynist, reckless alien king, becomes humanized and almost sympathetic by the end.  I adore it.

Thankfully, not the last time we see the promiscuous alien either.  About four issues later, Vartox appears briefly once more in Power Girl #12, written and drawn by the same creative team.

The good will gained between Vartox and our protagonist?  When you bring a giant monster to Power Girl’s city a second time, any niceties tend to fade away.

Though if Vartox could gain her trust the first time, surely he could turn on that charm again?

Oh well.  Probably for the best.

Huntress loves Nightwing

Did you know there are like twelve Bat people running around Gotham at any one time?  I’m surprised criminals can even play poker without a Bat kid bursting in through the window.  But despite not having a Bat title, Huntress (real name Helena Bertinelli) became one of the most popular  members of the Gotham crimefighters.  A mob boss’ daughter, she shunned the lifestyle after witnessing her family’s murder and became a costume vigilante.  Happens to the best of us.  And you know Nightwing, right?  Dick Grayson, the original Robin?  Then let’s not delay.

Grayson and Bertinelli totally have some romantic chemistry.  We’ll peep into their private lives in the Nightwing & Huntress #1-4 miniseries, written by Zeb Wells and drawn by Greg Land and Bill Sienkiewicz.

Nightwing’s a sort of funny Batman only wearing a super tight Olympic gymnast outfit instead of the cowl and cape.  And when the mafia’s involved, Huntress tends to have a personal stake.

Oh, Batman, the grumpy Dark Knight, dislikes Huntress.  A lot.  Huntress enjoys crossbow arrows through limbs and her attitude’s lukewarm towards murder.  Do you enjoy reading characters justifying radically different methods of crime fighting?  I sure hope so, because you’re going to get paragraphs full of it in this miniseries.

Personally, I enjoy those little morality talks.  Humanizes the character and creates delightful cultural differences beyond the color of their spandex.

Did you know superhero-ing isn’t a game?  Now, I always found this odd.  Batman’s specifically known for extremely threatening mannerisms. I’m not saying that Nightwing’s a wussy, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility.  Though the next scene makes it hard to argue that:

If I had to make an educated guess, I’d bet Nightwing’s in his mid-20s while Huntress hovers closer to almost 30.  So good for both of them, I guess.  Y’see, superheroes always argue, which builds up super pheromones or something.  After they hook up in the moment of passion, the status quo of bitter resentment has to return.  Though I do side with Huntress in their insecurity arguments.  She just wants to belong to the Bat club, and hasn’t she proven herself by impaling dozens upon dozens of bad guys with crossbow arrows?

Sensing the romantic tension, Nightwing asks about a possible relationship.  Dude’s good with batarangs, terrible at social cues.

Finally, we get to the climax of our mafia crime story of which I have shown you none of.

And how does this conflict end?  The only way a superhero comic should ever end:

It’d be rude if I wrote an entire article and didn’t include at least punch.  I mean, as much as we love Mary Jane, we love Spider-Man socking baddies far more.  Anyway, despite Nightwing being socially ruined by living with Batman during his formative teenage years, he figures out that he should probably apologize to Huntress for his dismissive behavior while she poured her philosophical heart out.

A fake goatee is still a better disguise than a pair of glasses.

If you’re wondering about their future, the two never really dated.  Pen, company ink, etc.  But you know the difference between Nightwing and Batman?  Nightwing will at least end his comics on a warm and fuzzy note the way only a guy in a goatee and sunglasses can.

Catwoman loves Batman

In a complicated sort of way.  Look, I believe that Batman and Catwoman are the closest the two have to soul mates.  Probably somewhat to do with the severe emotional issues both of them possess. But I also personally think the DC reboot was a smart choice and the Superman/Wonder Woman relationship is fantastic, so my opinions are less scholarly and more optimistic.  Though Catwoman #81-82, written by Will Pfeifer and drawn by David Lopez, explains my Batman/Catwoman theory far better than I can.

In her solo series, Catwoman’s (real name Selina Kyle) had some major crazy events go on in her life. Even with the Black Mask stuff excluded, she birthed a child named Helena she gave up for adoption, infiltrated of a violent Amazon tribe, got stuck with Lex Luthor on a crazy prison planet, and finally, her sidekick/best friend Holly Robinson fled Gotham City for good.

After nonstop horrible crap thrown at her for half a decade, Catwoman’s old habits kick in again, like a smoker lighting a cigarette after a half decade of nonstop horrible crap.

Because Catwoman isn’t Batman.  He has devoted his life to fighting crime, no matter how grim or bad it gets.  Not Catwoman.  Besides an obvious breaking point, she has a different reason to don her costume.  But more on that later.  She enjoys a few issues of good old fashioned antics.

Eventually, her behavior gets noticed by the Dark Knight, most likely because the bat computer updates Batman on what criminals eat for breakfast, much less major antihero crime sprees.  He ain’t smiling, though honestly, he hasn’t really smiled in years.

How ominous!  In her current fragile state, the next twenty pages may very well all be because Batman barked an order.  But mostly it’s cry for help to gain some sort of normalcy in her life after 80 issues of tears, murders, and vengeance.  I mean, if we’re being optimistic.

Thus begins a dozen pages of chase scenes where Batman uses his world’s greatest detective skills on her mood swings while she just runs around being a jerk.  Watch for those little moments where Batman forces himself to hold back on his usual problem-solving technique: face punching.

I’m only showing you the highlights, but if you want to see the full Gotham rooftop triathlon, pick up the issue.

As much fun as the costumed pursuit contains (lots), we have to eventually get to the heart of the problem.  The thing, you see, is that neither of them really know what’s bugging the cat.

Does she do the right thing and sit down with quite possibly the most important person in her life, patiently and therapeutically discuss her problems and past events in the rational manner Batman wishes?  Of course not.  Remember those severe emotional issues I mentioned in the beginning?

Oh, you mean this isn’t how a normal woman in her early to mid 30s acts?  Though immaturity may be a legitimate reason why the entire DC roster got de-aged by a decade when they rebooted.  Still, you know who doesn’t take antagonizing very well?  Hint: he also happens to be a billionaire philanthropist.

Since she used all of Batman’s weapons already, Catwoman’s forced to use her own secret weapon.

Maybe the Joker should try that next time he’s dangling off a gargoyle nursing a concussion.  Finally, Selina drops the whole charade and bares her broken soul to the one man in Gotham whose lack of sympathy is only matched by his lack of leniency.

Not to ruin the moment, but I have no idea where Batman’s glove went.  I scoured the issue, but one panel he has it and the next he doesn’t.  Let’s just say WayneTech made some invisible glove gadgets and move on to our finale.

There you go, the truth we’ve sort of subtly knew all along.  Nothing does Catwoman enjoy more than being Catwoman, including motherhood.  She attempted every possible angle and thrill, but only that skintight costume brings her the happiness she has sought her entire life after.  And truthfully, Batman completely empathetic, seeing as how he’s the exact same way just with brooding and darkness and whatnot.  If both of them have to be in costume, why not together?  Maybe some of Catwoman’s lighthearted playfulness will rub off on Batman and some of Batman’s stoic responsibility will affect Catwoman.  Soul mates, I tell you!  So how does she thank Batman for helping her realize the truth and snap back to reality?

Nothing wins Batman’s heart like Batmobile theft.  Just don’t tell Jason Todd that.