Learn to love again with Thor
Posted: 06/06/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 1 CommentWhen you saw The Avengers in theaters, your first thought was most likely, “The god with the hammer would be great in a romantic comedy.” And you’re right.
Because Thor has been around in comics for almost 50 years, he’s had a bunch of lovers. Most of the time, he prefers the fighter women with the battle bikinis and giant swords. And when he’s not seducing Xena Warrior Princess, he’s smacking monsters around. It’s a fantastic formula that I hope never disappears. But in 2010, Marvel tried something different. The company released a tragically short lived series called Thor: The Mighty Avenger, which was surprisingly sentimental and sweet. Sure, Thor hit tons of bad dudes with his hammer, but the relationship between him and perky mortal Jane Foster made the comic a story unseen before in Thor comics.
So let’s examine the relationship of the two lovers. I’m going to skip most of the fighting parts, but I promise if it gets too sappy, I’ll make some fart jokes.
(Heads up, I spoil pretty much the entire series.)
Meet Jane Foster (played by Natalie Portman in the movie). She’s a museum curator, who as you can see, is just out of a bad relationship and not ready to be emotionally vulnerable again. Well, that’s not going to happen, because that would be a terrible love story.
Thor, dressed as a hobo, is thrown out of her museum after tussling with some guards. What did he want? Why can the god of thunder not take minimum wage museum security? Well, the answer isn’t as climatic as you think, but now the two have caught their first glimpse of each other. Y’know, the glance that seals their fate.
That night, Jane and her ex are taking a closure walk when Thor happens to be outside the bar.
Now as a god, Thor is certainly within his right to indulge in personal hedonism, and let it be known that anyone in Asgard who does not consume their weight in mead is almost certainly a sissy. Yet this night, Thor has no sorrows to drown or victories to toast. Instead, he’s obliging his chivalrous duty. Except it’s with a way tougher guy.
And let it be known, that to defend the honor of a young lady, Thor is not above fighting dirty:
The baddie runs away, and with Jane’s help, we find out why he needs to go to the museum so badly and more importantly, why he’s fighting like a punk.
You see, his hammer Mjolnir, the source of his power, was hiding in the museum the whole time! Thus with his original strength back, the introduction phase is over and we can finally watch these two young people fall in love.
Unluckily being stranded on a planet not his own, Thor still needs stuff like nourishment, shelter, and cuddling. Because Jane is a darling, she makes an offer:
Much like the movie that half of you saw, Thor has a bit of an arrogance problem. Thus, his father decided to banish him to another world so he can learn some humility. I would have made him join a frat or use god magic to give him manboobs or something, but leaving him stranded on a strange and foreign land will do.
This whole situation makes Thor fairly depressed that he can’t go home. I mean, those frost giants aren’t going to punch themselves. So what is he supposed to do? How is Jane supposed to cheer Thor up while still keeping the comic appropriate for all ages?
We have a few issues of Thor beating up bad guys or being tricked into beating up good guys while Jane has normal sitcom situations trying to deal with this goofy outlandish figure in her life. But the two are falling in love, and unfortunately, they’re the last to know.
Despite being equal parts exciting and charming, Thor: The Mighty Avenger only lasted eight issues. Critical acclaim but poor sales lead to its cancellation, and that meant what would normally be a flirting tease lasting two and a half seasons had to be moved along with fairly quickly. So in issue six, we get the climax of the romance, where Thor takes Jane for a ride on his magical goat chariot to travel the world and see what beauty it offers (though we all know that the real beauty is sitting in his passenger seat, right ladies?).
A few select emotionally charged scenes and our hearts flutter:
Yup, next: Robot! But with that important kiss, Thor has finally shown vulnerability by opening his heart to Jane, or whatever romantic notions it implies. I don’t deny that the two are well together, but even as a straight man, I’d kiss a dude if he brought me on a global trek in his wizard goat wagon.
Back in Jane’s apartment, we get a final moment of peace between the two before the final arc and the end of the series. Here, Thor makes dinner for Jane and the lovers enjoy a quiet meal. The calm before the storm and all those cliches. But it’s romantic, sweet, and the facial expressions are perfectly drawn:
Because Thor made his splash in a little town in Oklahoma, the townspeople have made quite a stir about Thor in panels that I didn’t show you. He is a superhero wearing a hat with wings. But as you can guess from the previous image, a mysterious force (robots) ravage the city and the citizens can only think of one person who could do damage like that.
Well, Thor has a riddle to solve (robots) and who do you call when there are bad guys with lots of cool tech? I’m not telling you – go read the series. With a final team up, Thor and his buddy clean up the mess, take out all the machines, and save the day. He’s a superhero, gosh darn it, and that’s what they do.
Very few things are as satisfying as a happy ending. Wipe away the single tear that rolled down your face and reactivate your online dating profile. You deserve to be loved too.
Captain America punches faces
Posted: 06/05/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsComics are complicated. But as you know from the Avengers movie, Captain America (real name Steve Rogers), after spending 70 years frozen in ice, has returned to the modern world. He’s the moral center of the team, leading them to victory with the confidence and competency a war hero would. But in comics, there are two Captain Americas. Well, actually like a half dozen, but for the sake of this post, we’re going with Steve Rogers as Captain America.
More specifically, Ultimate Captain America:
A little backstory is required that hopefully won’t take too long. So in the “normal” Marvel universe, it’s unwritten but implied that most of the heroes have been fighting evil for like upwards of fifteen years or more. For instance, Spider-Man is most likely in his late 20s. Iron Man and Captain America are probably around 35. So how does Marvel attract younger readers when all the most popular characters are the same ages as their dads? Well, the company attempted to solve that problem. They created a new “side” universe, called Ultimate Marvel. There, the characters were reintroduced as younger, and their origin stories were re-calibrated for a modern era. Ultimate Spider-Man was the first comic they tried, making Peter Parker a 15-year old kid who gets his powers from a genetically altered spider and works for The Daily Bugle as their webmaster.
But why should you care about the Ultimate universe if you’re not hardcore into comics? Well, Sam Jackson’s Nick Fury came from the Ultimate line. And the new Spider-Man movie coming out next month is a rough adaption of Ultimate Spider-Man. Pop culture-wise, it has had some lasting effects.
Nowadays, Ultimate Marvel is a shell of what it used to be, and they’ve used crossover events to pretty much destroy large sections of the planet and kill off over half the major characters. But we’re here to talk about Ultimate Captain America. That guy’s a dick.
His origin story remained pretty much the same. He was given the Super Soldier serum that made him awesome. He became a badass World War II hero before crashing a plane and getting frozen in ice near the end of the war. Except this new Ultimate Captain America never loses his 1940s war mentality. He’s tough as balls.
If you read the comics, most of the pages have him doing a face like this:
Or this:
This is not a man who smiles. This a dude who saw some crazy stuff in the war and taking his PTSD out on whatever spandex-wearing sap is in front of him. Because the Ultimate line at the time was like eight different series, they didn’t have to really deal with massive backlash from forty ongoing comics. So the stories tended to get more massive and destructive. That meant Captain America, unlike the normal universe, spent roughly equal time as a soldier as he did a superhero. Steve Rogers commanded the Avengers (creatively called the Ultimates) and the military. Kind of. Which led to almost all of his dialogue being turned drill sergeant-ish into something both offensive and inspiring:
Sure, he’s a stereotype of the tough guy old timey soldier, but the normal, older Captain America was too busy being dead and doing spy missions and such. Here, we get a warrior who will never be satisfied until he’s bloodied every man, woman, and most likely child who dares cross the greatest freaking nation in the history of the world.
I’m not saying he didn’t adapt to modern times. He got himself an half-Asian/half-wasp girlfriend. He started untucking his shirt. But what never changed is that Ultimate Captain America will forever be out of his own time and just a little bit unhinged. Though, let’s be clear that he’s not insane. It isn’t like he thinks he can fly or anything.
Okay, maybe a little mentally off. But that leads to one of the most famous scenes in recent comic history. The captain is fighting a shape-changing Nazi alien. Normal everyday flair. The bad guy gets the upper hand and demands he give up. Well, Captain America may not enjoy stuff like pop music or hair that isn’t a buzz cut, but it’s fairly well-documented that Nazis tend to top the list. So we get this moment:
Yeah, he’s totally beating a naked war criminal with his shield. And you’ve never felt prouder to be an American. At his core, Captain America is a patriotic symbol for this country. Steve Rogers is a soldier who fought in nearly every battle of the second World War and upon his defrosting, immediately became the star player in the most powerful fighting force in that comic book world. I’m just saying Captain Britain got his powers through magic, like Harry Potter in a skintight suit.
Honestly, half his fights are him going mano-a-mano with Hulk, and you’ve all seen the movie where Hulk one hit KOs the giant space slug. Sure, he’s not terribly active (or at all) in the remnants of the once great Ultimate line of comics, but the next Sam Adams I drink will be in his honor. I don’t care he’s not real.
Red Robin vs. Australia’s Finest
Posted: 06/04/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights Leave a commentYou ever hear this story? During a home invasion, a man was killed defending his property. His son, a young boy named Tim Drake, angry and desperate for revenge, trained for years with the greatest warriors to gain the skills and tools necessary to carry out his payback. But will he learn that justice is more important than revenge? Will this story of redemption and adolescence be watered down because of silly characters?
Yes, it will. Because the men destined to clash are these two:
Tim Drake is the third Robin, becoming one of the finest fighters in the world under Batman’s watchful gaze. But his father’s killer, the man who made him an orphan and destroyed his home life, is supervillain Captain Boomerang.
I use the term “supervillain” loosely. Captain Boomerang is a member of The Flash’s rogues gallery, where his gimmick is trick boomerangs and a thick Australian accent. During a major DC event about seven years ago, he was hired to take out Drake’s civilian father. Daddy Robin was a world-traveling archaeologist, as most parents are, and before he died, he managed to badly injure the captain using his weakness: a pistol with bullets.
So young Drake, now 17 years old and in his new superhero identity Red Robin (just like the restaurant you see all those commercials for and never go to), tracks Captain Boomerang down and is prepared to finally face his father’s killer. Which is a fantastic plot, except Red Robin’s therapy bills are because of this guy:
His nemesis wears jeans and a knit cap. So let’s explore Red Robin #26, the final issue of the series, and see how this all turns out.
If you know about Batman, you know he’s pretty against killing. A code or something. Like with Dexter. Since Red Robin is part of the Batman family, all that stuff applies to him too. So when the previous issue ends like this, you know the tension is riding high:
Except all the suspense is cut down instantly. Because the villain is named Captain Boomerang. If you need a mascot of frozen onion rings or a new Wiggle, please go with Captain Boomerang. But it’s a terrible name for a cold-blooded assassin. Certainly doesn’t help that most of the fight between the two goes like this anyway:
Y’see, after the original Robin (the one who wore that speedo and no pants) graduated and became Nightwing, writers added in a terribly unlikable new Robin named Jason Todd. He was a tool and after a few short years, was famously killed by Joker with a crowbar. But no one in comics dies forever. You know how he came back, right? Did you guess that a parallel universe Superman punched so hard that it altered reality and brought Todd back to life? You did? Good. Anyway, Tim Drake, a then 9-year old kid, was introduced in 1989 and because he wasn’t an asshole, readers grew fond of him. Riding on the massive popularity of Batman, readers tended to care a lot greater deal about Drake and his stories compared to say, Hawkman. So when he finally confronts his father’s killer for the first time, pissed and with a legitimate morality decision, well, that’s a big deal.
So, during the fight, you see Red Robin going all noir and rationalizing his actions. It’s an important moment in the maturity and development of the character. Y’know, if he wasn’t dodging scary boomerangs.
Oh yeah. Captain Boomerang’s real name is Digger Harkness, which is a name much more suited to a crewman of Pirates of the Caribbean or a mediocre garage band.
Because Red Robin is the title character and good guy, and because it would be a super jerk move to have the captain win, Red Robin gets the upper hand and has to decide the walking stereotype’s ultimate fate.
So what happens? Does Drake let Captain Boomerang fall to his death? Does he forsake the lessons taught by his mentor Batman and go for the immediate gratification that would obviously sever his emotional capabilities and years of relationships built with his fellow superheroes? Of course he doesn’t, because it’s not the 1990s anymore. Back then, everyone took the dark path and wore leather jackets. But because we’re in an era where we like our good guys doing good things, Red Robin sends him packing to jail. Sure, it’s not an easy choice to make (mainly since a villain never stays in any sort of confinement for more than an arc or two), but it also shows his growth as a soldier in the fight for the heart and the soul of the city. Also because Captain Boomerang is one of the more dangerous of The Flash’s bad dudes. His rogue gallery is really terrible.
Luckily, his sacrifice is noted with the approval of the man he admires most:
Though that’s actually not Bruce Wayne, because Wayne had just been brought back to life a few months prior since being lost in time after his fight with Darkseid. That’s the original Robin taking his place as the new Batman and Wayne’s biological son with the daughter of Ra’s al Ghul (played by Liam Neeson in Batman Begins) as the new Robin. Comics are insane. Turns out, the real Batman was watching the whole time from the shadows. And of course, the real Batman is a huge dick to Drake, because being unpleasant is one of Bruce Wayne’s most endearing qualities.
And thus our hero’s spiritual journey is at an end, with still more to think about and evaluate. Will he be a better person and continue to fight crime with a renewed sense of right and wrong? Yes, because this isn’t Seinfeld. They rebooted DC and now Red Robin is serving as the leader of the new Teen Titans, the raddest dance crew in the Western hemisphere.
And the fate of Captain Boomerang since the reboot? He was briefly the leader of the Suicide Squad, a supervillain team working for the government. The namesake is for the ridiculously high body count in the comic.
So he landed on his feet. Thank goodness.
While I’m glad Red Robin has a happy ending to his personal story, a cartoonish stereotype of a popular foreign culture will always be a terrible antagonist to avenge family. At least comic book editors wouldn’t dream of getting even dumber with portraying the hard-working, lovely, honest Australian people.
Nevermind.
Gay superheroes are the least weird things in comics
Posted: 06/02/2012 Filed under: DC, Marvel, Relationships 6 CommentsAs you may know, DC made an announcement that Alan Scott, the original Green Lantern, will be rebooted as gay. The man with the costume that makes him look like a cruise ship magician is now making out with dudes.
Superheroes aren’t real. They’re fictional. But you can’t deny they’re ingrained in our movies, TV shows, books, and symbolism. Pop culture dominates our free time entertainment, so big changes to characters we grew up with and love can lead to major news coverage.
Like this guy:
Now becoming this:
Preceded by the gay interracial X-Men wedding between mutant Northstar and civilian Kyle, this is just a step towards this medium reflecting the current times. Except if anyone objects to gay superheroes as unnatural or promoting an alternative lifestyle, they have obviously never read comics before. Homosexuality is hardly the strangest thing in comics, because comic books are insane. I present to you two case studies to prove that superheroes swapping spit with other men is the least weird thing about them.
(I’m going to spoil a bunch of stuff, heads up.)
Before we start, remember even hetero romance in comics is crazy
Let’s take the most recent issue of The Incredible Hulk. It’s #7.1 if you’re a big fan of decimals. Hulk lost all his hair after being blown up last issue by a gamma bomb in an attempt to kill his alter-ego Bruce Banner, who had been recently separated from Hulk because of a brain surgery by Doctor Doom. Follow so far? Banner’s lover, Betty Ross (played by Liv Tyler in the movie), has been turned into the Red She-Hulk for a few years now. Makes sense, right? Well, in this issue, they have sex in public while a giant eyeball man watches them:
See? Standard comic book shenanigans. No conservative organizations threw a fit about this. Naked hairless Hulks sex is totally acceptable, no matter how many perverted eyeball people watch.
More importantly, I’d be remiss not to mention that in Uncanny X-Men #8 about three months ago, the upstanding Namor got it on with a giant sea worm:
You understand why this is okay? Namor made love to a female giant sea worm.
But implied sex is boring and safe, so let’s not forget the most controversial page in the rebooted DC last year. In Catwoman #1, Batman and Catwoman get frisky, which leads to this:
Ladies and gentlemen, after watching bad guys get punched for twenty pages, who doesn’t enjoy witnessing superhero penetration? Yet no conservative groups complained. And this is far worse for a young impressionable mind than two dudes in a committed relationship sharing a kiss. It’s not like Alan Scott is fisting his lover outside a train station.
Case Study #1: Daken Akihiro
Meet supervillain Daken Akihiro, the biological son of Wolverine. He’s half-Japanese and full-asshole. The guy is too busy being a dick to put on a shirt or realize his hair is way too long for a mohawk. While never A-list like his father, Daken did become sort of famous when he pretended to be Wolverine and did this:
So he killed The Punisher. Like chopped him up into little bits. Of course, The Punisher came back to life. Can you figure out how? Did you guess that sewer monsters sewed Frank Castle back together and turned him into a giant Frankenstein? Of course you did. But anyway, Daken is bisexual:
Before you judge, let’s learn some more about him!
Daken mainly antagonizes his father, because Wolverine is a terrible dad. Kind of. In 1946, Wolverine is living in Japan with his pregnant wife. While Wolverine is out hunting deer or shaving his back or something, an assassin kills his wife and tears the baby out of her womb, leaving the kid to die. Luckily, baby Daken lives because he inherits his father’s healing factor and then screws around for like fifty years before going to get revenge on his dad. Cue a bunch of douche stuff.
Basically, he’s a charming sociopath forever haunted by the idea that he’ll never be as good as his father. Though currently, Daken is dead. You see, while in Los Angeles trying to become the next Kingpin, he overdoses on this mystery party drug called Heat which overloads and destroys his healing factor. Because it’s killing him, he decides to head back to New York City to take out Wolverine (though this is like the eighth fight between the two). In his final moments, he cries and whines before suicide bombing Times Square.
So after all this mess, we can all agree that his bisexuality is definitely the strangest thing about him? No? Not that his bones pop out of his wrists or his tattoos seems to cut off right in the center of his chest? Right, it’s probably that he smooched Bullseye, whose real name is Lester.
Case Study #2: Wiccan and Hulkling
Teenage superheroes Wiccan (left) and Hulkling (right) are members of the Young Avengers and an openly gay couple. Just a normal gay couple. Well, except Hulkling’s a space alien, the offspring of a Romeo and Juliet type consummation between two warring species, the Skrulls and the Kree. He’s a shape changer with super strength, though unlike his namesake, he frequently has wings, which would only get of the way of real Hulk’s street sex. Wiccan is the grandson of Magneto, bane of the X-men and grumpy Holocaust survivor. Like most children you grew up with, Wiccan’s mother, the Scarlet Witch, had a nervous breakdown and using her mutant power to alter reality, created two fake children (one of them Wiccan) to take care of and love.
So y’know, pretty ridiculous that they’re gay, right? Sure, one is a wizard willed into existence and the other is an extraterrestrial smuggled to Earth, but it’s clearly unnatural that they touch penises.
As much or as little as you care about superheroes, it’s important to remember that their motivations and actions are defined by the tragedy in their life. Spider-Man’s unwavering responsibility to protect the people around him is because of his selfishness getting his Uncle Ben killed. Batman patrols and fights crime nightly because of the helplessness he felt when his parents were shot. Superman (for a long time) was the last survivor of the Krypton people. Professor X was paralyzed trying to stop Magneto killing the human race. The Punisher witnessed his wife and children massacred by mobsters. Hell, Daredevil became blind, had his secret identity exposed, his career ruined, two lovers killed, and a third gone insane. We should just be impressed that superheroes aren’t constantly rolling on the floor openly weeping. So when superheroes have these small moments where they’re genuinely happy, it’s a comforting moment to the reader:
And considering how many women Iron Man or say, Hawkeye, have boned within a single twenty page issue, it takes seven years before Wiccan and Hulking are finally shown kissing.
Conservative organizations spew hateful rhetoric because of two kids locking lips fully clothed? If Catwoman was there, you would have seen one of their balls. Let’s not ruin melodramatic storytelling with complaints of indecency, solely because both characters can grow beards. Get mad that Hulkling has five earrings in one ear. That’s insane.
Arousing Grammar 