Pixie and the X-Men’s revenge, Pt. 2

We left off right as the X-Men attacked the Hellfire Club’s little base, because the people in the base savagely beat Pixie and dozens of other mutants and totally deserve this beatdown.  Note for future bigots: if one wishes to attack a minority group of people, it would help if this minority group aren’t all trained fighters with superpowers like laser eyes and diamond skin.  We’ll pick up once more with Uncanny X-Men #501-503, written by Matt Fraction & Ed Brubaker and drawn by Greg Land with the beginning of the X-Men’s retaliation:

We know enough about superhero fights that henchmen never stand a chance.  They exist solely to ramp up the excitement and show off what our heroes can do.  Crowded battles rock.  But let’s not forget about the mutant supervillain Empath (Manuel de la Rocha) and his emotional death glares.

I know we’re supposed to witness Empath igniting each X-Man’s individual biggest emotional burden, but I’m more focused on Cyclops helping Wolverine up.  Remember when they used to be friends? Teammates?  When they didn’t attempt to slaughter each other under the boot of a murderous sentinel? This comic is only five years old — the Marvel universe changes quickly.

Oh yeah, and now that motorcycle chase I promised:

Notice the pink text boxes?  That’s not Angel speaking, because I assume his would look like clouds or something.  Truthfully, if this issue only involved Pixie getting beat up and then her hanging out in the infirmary the rest of the arc, her name wouldn’t be in the title of the article.

So let’s talk a bit about Pixie.  Originally from Wales (didn’t know you were supposed to read her dialogue with an accent, right?), Megan Gwynn enrolled in the Xavier Institute as part of the New X-Men series they released back in the mid-2000s.  Because when X-Men run a school for teenage mutants, it’d be smart to populate the school with actual teenage mutants.  Her mutant powers consists solely of the insect wings and hallucinatory dust.  Everything else came from one really bad experience in Limbo.  Magik — Colossus’ sister and ruler of Limbo — uses part of Pixie’s soul to create a Souldagger.  If you want to be angry at Magik for corrupting a young girl’s essence, just remember that Magik has had goat legs for much of her adult life.

Anyway, Magik teaches Pixie some teleportation magic (making that ability a black magic spell and not a mutant power) as well as being able to pull out that Souldagger to demon-style slash up baddies.  And finally, notice those black streaks in her pink hair?  Besides being fashionable, that’s black magic residue at work, my friends.  Yes, the Marvel universe is insane — in the absolute best possible way.

We jump back to the motorcycle chase.  The reserve team (Cannonball) has been called in for a scene right out of an action movie.

Trust me, I adore delusional supervillain rants.  Something about an egomaniac screaming despite a full squadron of X-Men just moments away.  But everything comes full circle — a redemption only possible in superhero stories.  Empath ordered his henchmen to maul all mutants in order to prevent mutants from bringing about the end of the world.  Violence to stop violence.  But we as readers understand full well that to stop evil, violence remains an acceptable solution.  We embrace it.  We look forward to it.  All superheroes end their stories with bloodied knuckles and a furrowed brow.  Even the cutest, sweetest superheroes can’t escape this ideology.  Because after all, the cutest, sweetest superheroes are still superheroes.

Electro vs. Spider-Man, Pt. 2

After Spider-Man’s embarrassing loss on Wednesday, he has some serious self-reflection to do.  I mean, not too much because of an insane supervillain prowling the streets that desperately needs a punch in the face — but dear Peter Parker realizes the hard way that webs and kicks alone won’t take down this newly enhanced Electro.  Luckily, he’s also a super genius, and that helps him tremendously in Amazing Spider-Man #425, written by Tom DeFalco and drawn by Bud LaRosa.  But first, Electro:

I know there’s a typo in the third panel on the first page, but let’s chalk that up to Electro’s lack of a quality education.  More importantly, Electro does make a good point.  The dude’s kind of a joke. He doesn’t get the respect that Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus get, and even at his best, he’s only used as muscle for the Sinister Six.  While he lacks the ability to instill fear, at least his emotional instability matches the level of Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus.

Meet Nate Grey, an alternative teenage version of Cable.  He goes by the superhero name X-Man, which is honestly just his job title.  X-Man is a singular version of X-Men.  It’d be as if I fought crime as Blogger.  Plus, like all great superheroes created in the 1990s, X-Man has the power set of an roster of Avengers.  He possesses molecular manipulation, telepathy, telekinesis, precognition, flight, force fields, invisibility, healing, intangibility, dimensional travel, reality warping, physical possession, and he can even stop time.  Yes, that’s just one superhero’s powers.  Nowadays, he only has telekinesis, presumably after writers realized one mutant can’t have every superpower every created.

So to even up the odds, Spider-Man asks Nate Grey to help him.  And remember Electro’s plan to build up his evil reputation?

Well, time for Electro to realize the mistake he made mocking Spider-Man.  Peter Parker never gives up after a smackdown, complete with eight or nine new ideas for round two.  Say goodbye to Electro and any hope he has of making it to the A-list.

Okay, so it’s going to be harder than we thought.  Too bad Nate Grey’s going to take a beating now that Electro’s finally gotten around to reading a science textbook.  Even the strongest psychics have difficulty fighting opponents with enough power to incinerate an entire city block.  And I mean that literally:

This issue’s double-sized and their fight takes up the whole issue.  I’m having to skip chunks of their battle to fight off my own arch-nemesis (copyright laws), but it mostly involves Spider-Man desperately attempting different tactics hoping to slow Electro down.  Unfortunately, electricity moves at the speed of light.  And you should buy this issue because it’s an awesome battle.

Understand that despite Electro’s crazy electrical powers, he still only has a normal person’s durability.  A rock thrown with super strength has more than enough force to concuss Electro.  Though not for long.

Sure, you can poke a bear a few times.  But it’ll eventually maul you and the rest of the zoo.  Y’see, Electro just wanted to show off his new skills, but with wild insecurities revived by Spider-Man’s unnecessary beatdown, poor Electro has to switch from mayhem to mass murder.  After all, that’s what Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus would do.

We forget that behind Spider-Man’s jokes lies the moral center of the Marvel universe.  No matter how much pain and suffering it’ll cause him (and my goodness has it), Spider-Man has to do the right thing.  No discussions, no gray areas, no justifications.  Great power, great responsibility — y’know, everything we admire and love about superheroes.  That and all the punching.

Electro returns dozens of times after this.  But despite his humiliating loss, it’s nice to see downtrodden supervillains reach a level where they have to be taken seriously by their local superhero. Let’s hope Shocker gets this treatment next.

Electro vs. Spider-Man, Pt. 1

After Electro’s sob story/childhood recall from last article, it’s time to see our newly enhanced supervillain in action.  Spoiler alert: it’s going to be shocking (I apologize, I won’t do that again).  We keep forgetting that Electro has one advantage that many baddies don’t get: he’s fighting Spider-Man.

Batman, who spends his days inventing batarangs that dispell everything from toxic waste to magic spells to deadly diseases, has a whole belt full of gadgets for practically every power combination or skill he comes across.  Then you add his martial arts and a dozen teenage sidekicks.  But Spider-Man, despite his superpowers, swings around the city packing only web-shooters and a thin layer of spandex.  So when Electro shows up blasting sparks (both physical and emotional) with a level that Spider-Man hasn’t dealt with before, our protagonist’s only secret weapon is praying for a lucky punch. Though to be fair to Spider-Man, he does have the super strength to punch through Electro’s chest and rip out his electrified heart if he really wanted to.  Too bad he won’t.  Check out their first fight in Amazing Spider-Man #423, written by Tom DeFalco and drawn by Joe Bennett.

And if that’s not enough, Spider-Man’s going to have to multi-task.

Marvel universe henchmen come in three varieties: terrorists, thugs, and ninjas.  For a planet with thousands of superpowered people flying around smacking each other with laser eyes, the normal citizens have to also avoid hordes and hordes of ninjas jumping around the city tossing shurikens or whipping nunchucks.  How anyone in superhero worlds doesn’t just live in constant paralyzing fear will always perplex me.

Oh yeah, and now Electro.

Rehabilitation doesn’t exactly work in the Marvel universe.  The status quo demands those that attempt rehabilitation fall back into the same evil tendencies they once experienced.  And my goodness, have they tried.  Sandman (at Thing’s urging) and Doctor Octopus (poor Superior Spider-Man) all saw everything moral and generous they accomplish sink back into that pit of supervillainy they’re doomed to return.  As Electro’s whole life revolves around him being not good enough, you can imagine his greatest foe taking pity on him hasn’t soothed the decades of emotional damage.  Spider-Man’s going to fry.

I know in this moment, we look forward to Spider-Man mustering up the last of his strength and prevailing over his stronger foe.  There’s a primal and societal joy in seeing our heroes take down evil. But y’know the introduction I wrote before we got to the comic?  Spider-Man has no new weapons, no new tricks, and no allies to support him — his current options have shriveled up faster than his nervous system.  All of Electro’s wishes come true.

Of course Spider-Man made the right choice.  Part of the cost of being a superhero means sacrificing pride for the greater good.  But on Friday, he’ll be going full-Batman.  Spider-Man’s going to kick Electro’s ass.

The art of war with Elektra

If you ever wonder if superheroes without superpowers can still be called “super,” I assure you they can.  Those without any enhancements (Punisher, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Winter Soldier, etc.) make up for being normal humans with being unstoppable combat machines capable of not just dominating the finest UFC fighter, but all the UFC fighters.  At once.  Realistic?  I don’t care.  If we want to believe a dude with a bow can stand shoulder to shoulder with actual gods and mutants, we understand he makes up for his non-powers in other spectacular ways.  Like not missing a shot in years.  And today in Dark Reign: Elektra #1-2, written by Zeb Wells and drawn by Clay Mann, we see further proof of a “normal” superhero’s capabilities — y’know, as in they’re not normal.

Okay, so right after Secret Invasion — where the shapeshifting Skrull aliens disguised themselves as popular superheroes/supervillains to invade earth secretly — Elektra Natchios gets captured by HAMMER (Norman Osborn’s SHIELD).  After all, her skrull’s death started the whole shebang in the first place.  But this is the real deal now, and it’s safe to say she’s not staying as a guest.

Because Elektra is the world’s greatest assassin, she escapes.  We never had any doubt she would.

Elektra, who remains quite vulnerable to bullets, now has to fight her way past a dozen HAMMER agents.  And she has lingering injuries from her Skrull capture.  Luckily, she does have a knife, a hacking glove, and a few dozen years of ninja training.

You’re about to witness art.  I mean, not just the drawings on the page, but like if the scariest Olympic gymnast spent all her time murdering people instead of on the balance beam.  She may have a few broken limbs, a limp or two, and enough bruises to confuse her for a (sexy) dalmatian, but these goons never stood a chance.  You can click the picture for a bigger version.

I’ve played enough Batman: Arkham games to know the power of fear.  I mean, after I miss my grapple for the third time, accidentally use the batarang instead of the smoke bomb, and finally jump into a vent with only a sliver of health remaining — the enemies’ll eventually get scared and make mistakes again.  Bad analogy, but you get the idea — who needs superspeed when one’s the deadliest woman alive already?

That’s right, they don’t show it, but we assume she caught up to the doomed henchman mid-free fall and used his jet pack to fly away.  Then she spends the rest of the miniseries stabbing people while strangely holding on to her own code of ethics.  When a series stars a supervillain (Elektra) going up against another supervillain (Norman Osborn), we’ll root for the slightly nicer evil-doer.  And that’s Elektra, because you can’t be all that bad if Daredevil will make out with you.

Noh-Varr vs. Young Avengers

If you haven’t read Kieron Gillen’s Young Avengers series, you’re only punishing itself.  That man writes at a level beyond human capability — along with a fantastic taste in music — and artists Jamie McKelvie & Mike Norton create stuff with panels I’ve never seen in a comic before.  But in Young Avengers #1 and #7, a battle gets mentioned I’ve never heard before:

So I decided to search for that fight, half wanting to piece together past events and half wanting to see Noh-Varr wipe the floor with everyone.  Luckily, I found it in Civil War: Young Avengers & Runaways #2-4, written by Zeb Wells and drawn by Stefano Caselli.

If you think the normal Marvel universe can be confusing, wait till you get into the intergalactic stuff. The three big alien empires — Skrull, Shi’ar, and Kree take up most of the comic book ink.  Noh-Varr’s a hybrid Kree/insect.  Seriously, just more with Spider-Man-like enhanced abilities rather than wings and antennas.  Nowadays, he hangs out on Earth to protect it from non-Kree alien forces, but before all that, he got brainwashed:

It’s going to be a bloodbath.  Honestly, I know only slightly more about Marvel alien races than the Runaways, who are Los Angeles-based kids of supervillains who team up to thwart the plans of their parents.  They have superpowers and whatnot as well.

While I’d explain the teams one-by-one, Noh-Varr’s currently fighting like twelve at once and it’s better for you to see it all for yourself as it happens as opposed to a huge paragraph with thirty commas. Just know that Noh-Varr’s stronger, faster, and far more skilled than his teenage opponents.

The Vision, like the X-Man Kitty Pryde, can phase through people/objects and unphase at will, essentially punching right through enemies if vicious and bloodthirsty enough.  Noh-Varr’s so badass that he just breaks off Vision’s arm with the hand still deep inside him.  That’s Wolverine-esque craziness right there.

Y’see, the problem with superspeed lies in the recovery time.  With half the team knocked out or disabled within the first moments of the fight, it’d be nice for the rest of the Young Avengers/Runaways to take a breather, refuel, get a massage before round two begins.  But y’see, that’s the problem with superspeed.

No one’s scarier with a robot hand protruding out of his chest than Noh-Varr.  The good guys (and our antagonist’s a good guy currently with a fuzzy brain), only survive due to our baddie’s recall. Supervillains have way cooler methods of extraction than the heroes.

On a side note, Noh-Varr’s ex-girlfriend list builds steadily every new series.  Women can’t get enough of this Kree/bug hybrid, even with those short shorts he wears.  The guy looks like he wrestles for his local high school.  But as the miniseries comes to a close and our two teams ambush the enemy ship, Noh-Varr gets his round two.  And he’s just as awesome.

People sometimes ask, aren’t superheroes for children?  Jason, with your male pattern baldness and salaried job, aren’t you too old to be reading comic books?  And I say, yes, maybe I am, but I never want to live in a world where I don’t enjoy an alien chucking a dinosaur across a spaceship.  I’m a dreamer.

With that, Noh-Varr lies in defeat, for he still had not removed the android’s body parts from his own body parts.  I imagine it’s a fear thing, like when Wolverine emerges on the page with his face half burned and only his pants still clinging on.

Oh, and read Gillen’s Young Avengers.  Noh-Varr’s a delight.

Hercules, Elektra, and ninjas

The final two issues of the Herc series, #9-10 written by Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente and drawn by David Hahn, contain a delightful arc dealing with mortality, the Kingpin, wizards, and a beheading — I adore it.  But I’d need to give you almost the entirety of both issues to understand all the back story and plot development.  So to make it easier for me (and some encouragement on your part to buy the series), I picked two scenes to delight you with.  Let’s do something fun and light for Friday, plus I don’t think I’d be lying when I claim my love for Marvel’s version of Hercules borders on emotional love. Maybe a little physical.  Okay, a lot physical.

Oh, so recognize this guy?

I’ll give you a hint.  His name starts with “Z” and ends in “eus.”

A perfect introduction to the Greek gods of the Marvel universe.  They’re lecherous, perverted, drunk, and full of all the gossip that turned your middle school mythology lesson into Gossip Girl.  Hercules, currently powerless and only with his magical weapons/crazy physique to protect himself, now has a problem to deal with that can’t be solved by reflecting back goblin grenades.

Father-son bonding time in the superhero world always involves the same concept: crime-fighting.

At this point in time, the Kingpin controls the Hand (the group used whenever writers want to use ninjas).  Y’know Kingpin?  The bald guy in the white suit who has the cajones to lead organized crime in a city patrolled by hundreds of superheroes.  But you know who also isn’t fond of ninjas nunchucking dudes in the face?

The overarching plot involves some magical artifact, but the story gets weird:

Who do you think would win in a fight between our two protagonists today?  Especially now that our former Greek god lost his superpowers.  Hercules has about three thousand years of combat training compared to Elektra’s thirty or so, but she’s way faster than him.  All that body hair slows him down. Well, my friends, I have the answer for you to this question that’s been keeping you up at night and monopolizing every conversation you’ve had for the past few months.  Here’s Hercules vs. Elektra:

Hercules wields some cool weapons.  The Sword of Peleus can cut through anything and the Shield of Perseus can block anything.  Plus, the shield’s eyes turn people to stone — Medusa and whatnot.

Okay, so your question still goes unanswered.  Our Greek god lies in comic limbo since Herc ended, but hopefully he’ll return soon.  Comics need more bearded heroes.

Thor vs. Storm

Hard to pick a side, right?  Thor, the ye ol’ Aryan god with a heart and hammer both equally large, versus Storm, the X-Men powerhouse and leaderwho somehow finds Wolverine attractive.  But luckily for you today, you don’t have to break your heart rooting for one superhero over the other.  Y’see, this fight in Black Panther #25, written by Reginald Hudlin and drawn by Marcus To, takes place during the Marvel event Civil War.  And Thor wasn’t around during it.

With morality pretty much siding with Captain America, our dear Iron Man figures he might as well go full-on mad scientist.  After all, when the story portrays Iron Man as the villain (sort of?), he embraces the opportunity by creating a robot Thor using stolen DNA and Mr. Fantastic’s desperate gamble.  So today, Storm does battle Thor, just not Thor Thor.

We underestimate Storm’s power sometimes.  She doesn’t have the durability of an Asgardian, but no one looks cooler summoning thunderstorms.  Y’know, I don’t know if Storm could win against the real Thor.  Though to be fair, neither could 98% of the Marvel universe — but you know superheroes, part of the contract includes playing really terrible odds.

Apparently, Iron Man and Mr. Fantastic programmed misogyny into the robot as well.  The real Thor’s nothing if not a gentleman.  Chivalry tops the list of Asgardian traits, right after smushing frost giants and maintaining a mead buzz.

I wouldn’t say Invisible Woman (mother of two) used great word choice there, but the idea’s still solid. While Storm could probably win the fight on her own, superheroes tend to be busy and spending hours fighting robots takes a lot of valuable time away that they could spend fighting non-robots.  Plus, teamwork and whatnot.

When creative and interesting plans fall through (precise EMP blast, for instance), brute force always works as a fall back plan.  Robot Thor shows up a few times after this, but nothing wildly significant.

On a similar subject, I wonder if Storm ever fought Electro?

Gambling on Spider-Man

If we consistently drop everything to follow a car chase every time it appears on TV, how can civilians in the superhero world ever get anything accomplished with all the daily battles?  In New York City, with the combined rogue galleries of dozens of superheroes and superhero teams patrolling the city, I figure there must be at least two or three supervillains attacks a day.  So all the normal folks, probably to ease some of the pain of living in a spandex-filled war zone, hope to gain some benefit from all this destructive world-saving.  Y’know, a benefit besides not having Galactus eat the planet.

In the fantastic first half Spider-Man: Unlimited #11, written by Brian Reed and drawn by Michael Lark, our setting never ventures outside the bar:

Do you think the jokes distract criminals from realizing just how powerful Spider-Man is?  Super speed, super strength, projectile webs, spider-sense, and a genius intelligence.  Though all those powers still pale to Hulk’s potential — the ability to crush Spider-Man into a red-and-blue smear of goo.  The responsible ex-cons and beer patrons take advantage of this chaos:

One of the benefits of comics allows the artist to make a character invisible while still showing their face.  We have no idea the identity of this Spider-Man fan — it could be anyone from a Peter Parker clone to the Silver Surfer to Black Panther, though chances are probably slim on that last one.  Lark’s a super talented artist, but I like the idea of anonymity while still prominently in the spotlight.

Hint: it’s not Professor X or Jean Grey.  After years of Spider-Man punching his way around the city, it can’t be difficult to imagine someone figured out his combat formula.  Though Spider-Man’s fighting style usually involves less technique and more a focus on tether ball.

Logistics aside, I can totally see Spider-Man beating the practically invulnerable, limitlessly strong Hulk.  Sure, Hulk could liquify Spider-Man with one solid kick, but superheroes hold back.  Especially when fighting buddies.  Besides, a series where Hulk spent every issue jumping around effortlessly stomping the Marvel universe into paste would only last two or three hundred issues max.

Oh, and figured out the mystery Spider-Man expert?  Spoiler alert:

The trailers are dashing my hopes, but I wish Jamie Foxx’ll wear the starfish hat in the new movie.