Ghost Rider vs. Doctor Strange

Like most superhero versus superhero fights, this one revolves around misunderstandings and misplaced emotions.  And why not?  As much as we claim to enjoy long, intricate plot lines that accurately portray the characters in a logical manner, I also really enjoy watching strong dudes punch each other.  The action’s what I imagine attracted most of us to comics in the first place.

In Ghost Rider #2-3, volume six, written by Daniel Way and drawn by Javier Saltares & Mark Texeira, Johnny Blaze recently escaped from Hell the issue before.  Unfortunately, he also unwittingly snuck the devil out as well, and now he has to kill all 666 versions of Lucifer roaming the country.  Bad times. And then this happens:

See the doctor’s outfit?  Ghost Rider, arguably one of the most powerful superheroes with all his cool fire powers and being practically invulnerable, gets to brawl the full balls-to-the-wall Sorcerer Supreme Eye of Agamotto Doctor Supreme.  Plus, Doctor Strange speaks even more Doctor Strange-y than normal, which you’ll notice as we move on.

Now remember how the two need a reason to fight?  You know how Lucifer can be any tricky form?

The fight takes place over the entire issue.  From the first page to last page.  I’m just as excited as you are.  The blows exchange nicely, as Doctor Strange possesses nearly infinite attack possibilities with his magic and Ghost Rider has a chain whip.

I love Doctor Strange, and not just because of the mustache.  Because of how magic works in the Marvel universe, the man can launch almost any offensive or defense attack — from crazy laser beams to demonic prisons to dimensional teleporting.  And while many may call it a deux ex machina or a permanent trump card, Doctor Strange’s magic more often than not just leads to cool explosions. That and Doctor Strange’s “disappointed dad” act.

I know Ghost Rider’s the title character of the series.  I know Doctor Strange doesn’t realize the importance of Ghost Rider’s mission.  But as super awesome a demonic biker with a fiery skull and giant chain whip is (really super awesome), in this being-a-jerk competition the two are engaged in, Doctor Strange remains slightly less so.  Though I’m biased.  I’m a big fan of capes.

Remember early when I mentioned Ghost Rider’s near invulnerability?  An attack like that would almost certainly incinerate Captain America or Daredevil or Spider-Man or whoever.  But Ghost Rider can’t really die.  And unfortunately, Ghost Rider also has an ultimate attack.  Doctor Strange doesn’t possess that same invulnerability.

The Penance Stare makes the victim relive all the pain and suffering they’ve caused others.  At once. And Doctor Strange’s profession as a superhero, who magic blasts baddies every evening, that’s pretty much certain death.  Victory Ghost Rider, though I’m sure you could buy the next issue to find out what happens.  Spoiler alert: fairy tears.

Hulk vs. Ghost Rider

We’re back at World War Hulk.  I love it.  Hulk’s the event villain, but the good guys did some bad stuff that prompted Hulk’s righteous villainy, and cue a few more morally ambiguous plot points.  Plus, lots of smashing, because Marvel opened the door for every living superhero in the Marvel universe to take their shot at stomping the green rage monster.  Spoiler alert: it goes badly.  But when writers enjoy free rein to have a Hulk fight with their current character, the reason already supplied and explained, it’d be foolish not to have their hero take a swing.  And that includes Ghost Rider.

Full disclosure: my Ghost Rider knowledge sucks.  I haven’t even seen the movies.  But the dude’s been around since 1972 and I can only write so many Spider-Man articles before I look lazy.  And while I don’t have to explain his appeal (flaming skull/motorcycle), I can certainly attempt to touch upon the character’s back story.

Stunt driver Johnny Blaze (the name’s a coincidence) found out his mentor had cancer.  So he contacted the devil Mephisto — pretty much Satan for the Marvel world — and Blaze sold his soul to cure him.  Because of how deals with the devil work, Blaze’s mentor dies almost immediately after in a motorcycle crash and while Blaze still retains his soul, his deal with Mephisto (which goes awry) bonds him to the demon Zarathos.  Turns out Ghost Rider — a being who serves to avenge the innocent and punish the wicked — happens to be an agent of Heaven all along, which can be hard to figure out when Ghost Rider’s body is literally made of hellfire.

So Ghost Rider drives to New York City to fight Hulk, because that match up sounds awesome. In Ghost Rider #12-13, written by Daniel Way and drawn by Javier Saltares, Blaze is currently driving around and destroying the 666 pieces of Lucifer spread throughout the world (long story), which from Zarathos’ point-of-view is way more important.  Inevitable destruction of all mortal life versus a green dude smacking around Iron Man and friends.  But Blaze won’t have it.  Not one bit.

He does stand a chance.  Seriously.  Ghost Rider can’t juggle mountains like Hulk, but the whole body-made-out-of-hellfire thing comes in handy.  You know, granting him almost complete immunity to any sort of injury.  He heals wildly fast, he can take punches that would turn others in goo, and has powers far beyond a motorcycle and chain.  Essentially, Ghost Rider makes Johnny Storm look like a civilian, regardless of Blaze’s immense self-loathing and inability to pull the caliber of women that the Human Torch can.  Probably because Johnny Storm can fly around and spell words in the sky, and Ghost Rider is a fiery skeleton who wears an outfit consisting entirely of leather.

I’d like to say you’ll be pleasantly surprised, but the fight begins pretty much as you expect. Superheroes and villains always tend to be quite surprised by Hulk’s strength.  Do they forget the prominent shots on network news with footage of him ripping tanks in two like paper?  Plus, in World War Hulk, he retains full intelligence and an unprecedented amount of strength.

So Ghost Rider’s props can create some super cool battle scenarios.  Not all of them involve fire.

Very few superheroes instill the fear Ghost Rider pervades.  Punisher, maybe, but even then, the mobsters and criminals can justify Frank Castle being only a normal man — albeit a normal man with decades of military experience, unresolved anger, and thousands of kills to his name.  But if Ghost Rider shows up in that flamboyant entrance he always makes, criminals’d be smart to wet their pants. Blaze possesses the power to control and wield enough hellfire to annihilate cities.  The Punisher sometimes carries a grenade launcher.

Also, a hundred thousand tons of concrete won’t bring Hulk down.  Not even close.

Remember the Illuminati members who voted to shoot Hulk into space that started this whole mess in the first place?  Black Bolt and Iron Man lost already, leaving only Mr. Fantastic and Dr. Strange.  And bringing down a skyscraper will get their attention.

Yes, Ghost Rider currently rides at 100% strength.  More than enough to take down the Hulk, but I’m warning you in advance, the finale’s anti-climatic.  On purpose.  It works, I promise.

Here’s the beauty: when Dr. Strange mentions the complete Zarathos possession not being a “favorable occurance,” it has nothing to do with the destruction of the city.

Oh, do those two suffer for their sins.  Currently, Ghost Rider rides in comic purgatory with no solo or team series.  But the agent of Heaven’ll return soon enough — motorcycles and poetic vengeance never go out of style.  I mean, it works well enough for Wolverine, and he’s rarely on fire.

The vengeance of Doctor Strange, Pt. 2

As we left off on Wednesday, Doctor Strange figured out that the spirit of deceased Brother Voodoo’s brother has been possessing and using superheroes to get back at the good doctor.  Plus, he took down sorcerers Daimon Hellstorm and Jennifer Kale as well.  Well, what’s worse than having a vengeful spirit possessing a whole set of Avengers?

That’s right.  Two sets of Avengers.  Unfortunately, being superheroes involves far more reaction than prevention.  Mainly because the crime makes the stories interesting.  But when you get a bunch of superpowered dudes (and dudettes) together and, say, a possessed Thor smashes them across the Avengers Mansion lawn — there’s not going to be a lot of discussion going on.  Having super strength means you’re going to use it, you know?

Doctor Strange has some backbone.  Besides his gift for lengthy monologues, he’ll always take the impossible challenges to prevent further bloodshed and mayhem.  Like pinch hitting demonic baseball games.  That’s the obligation of superheroes.  While he may not be as strong as he once was as Sorcerer Supreme, he’s still no slouch.

As the final issue of the New Avengers commences, we learn Daniel Drumm doesn’t play fair mainly because that’s the first rule of being a supervillain.  Even a ghost supervillain.  The next pages consist of gorgeous double-page spreads that I don’t want to break up.  Click the pictures for a larger version and see the machismo and threats flow.

That’s right, Doctor Strange fights all the Avengers.  Both teams.  At once.  Here, I made a list:
Team 1
Doctor Strange
Team 2
Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Vision, Red Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Spider-Woman, Captain Marvel, Spider-Man, Daredevil, Iron Fist, Thing, and Mockingbird

Now, the next eight pages, which I’ll show you uninterrupted by my commentary, are each drawn by a different artist.  I’ll put their names afterwards.  For those who wish to complain about the insane idea that Doctor Strange couldn’t possibly fight all of them at once, I say too bad.  Brian Michael Bendis wrote the Avengers for eight years and over 200 issues.  If he wants to end his run in a badass fourteen-on-one fight, I say let him.  Plus, it’s an awesome idea.

Okay, so Doctor Strange loses, but fantastic effort on his part.  And to give credit, the pages were drawn by Chuck BB, Yves Bigerel, Becky Cloonan, Farel Dalrymple, Ming Doyle, Lucy Knisley and the issue’s main artist Mike Deodato.  Still, even beaten and defeated, our magician has one more trick up his sleeve — and it’s not a pigeon.

I’m skipping a few more pages of battles.  Vision and Luke Cage have their proud moments before Doctor Strange has to clean up this mess himself.  After all, I guess Daniel Drumm is in the doctor’s rogue gallery now.  And why is Daimon Hellstorm watching the fight (who can’t be killed being the son of Satan and all)?  Like the disembodied voices said, magic’s a test.

While I may never understand the capabilities of magic in the Marvel universe, I do know it’s super awesome and I’m cool with that.  What’s Doctor Strange’s reward for singlehandedly fighting fourteen Avengers and saving the day from a crazy evil spirit?  Totally worth it:

How exciting.  I know I probably should have covered his relinquishing of the Sorcerer Supreme title before I covered how he got it back, but that’ll be on Monday.  We’ll read Doctor Strange’s adventures one more time, as we go back to World War Hulk through Secret Invasion.  Yes, it’ll end on a sad note, but after today at least you already know the happy ending.

Daken vs. Taskmaster, Moon Knight

For a character a little over six years old, Daken (or Akihiro) surprisingly surged in popularity. Especially for a supervillain.  He took over the Wolverine title for a year and then received his own solo series for two years — very impressive for a new character to star that long in a comic before being canceled.  But his success hardly surprises me, because the guy’s spun from a winning creation formula.  First, make him Wolverine’s legitimate son — add in anger from his father’s abandonment and a genetic psychopathy.  Next, add some diversity, like Daken being half-Japanese and bisexual. Give him a cool mohawk, neat tattoos, and a brilliantly scheming mind.  Finally, create a humanizing, ambitious personality mixed in with deep-rooted inadequacies and insecurities leftover from his father’s popularity and heroism.

But today, in Daken: Dark Wolverine #11-14, written by Rob Williams and drawn by Matteo Buffagni, Michele Bertilorenzi, & Riley Rossmo, we’re going to watch him claw stuff.

Currently, Daken (pronounced Dah-kehn) lives in Los Angeles, where he figures the city could use a new crime boss.  The city certainly lacks the hundreds of superheroes running, flying, and web-slinging around New York City anyway.  First order of business?  Show his usefulness, of course.

Simple enough.  Daken and six skilled henchmen will ambush a truck (and its small army protecting it) to steal the $26 million inside.  But unfortunately, he stumbled upon a little problem during his time in Hollywood.

Heat.  The newest, coolest recreational drug on the market.  Like most drugs, heat induces euphoria. For a sixty year old man (born right after WWII), you figured Daken would know better than to initiate highly dangerous plans while loopy on drugs.  But y’know how supervillains are — living for the moment and all that.  Unfortunately, in the current moment, he’ll have to deal with him:

Taskmaster trains the supervillains/does mercenary work using his photographic reflexes.  For more information on him, you can see my previous Taskmaster article.  The dude’s bad news, though delightfully charming.

See?  Charming.  To be fair, Taskmaster isn’t super strong or durable or anything.  Taskmaster can mimic any abilities he sees (like Captain America’s shield throwing, Hawkeye’s archery, Black Knight’s swordplay, etc.), but besides that, the guy’s a normal human.  Daken shouldn’t have much difficulty taking him down.  Y’know, if not for that massive amount of Heat he ingested.

Yes, things go bad.  Sure, Daken’ll massacre police officers, but not in his current condition and definitely not with Taskmaster nearby.  So, he does what Wolverine would do in this situation: guns blazing towards a painful death.

His failing healing factor pretty much drives the next year of stories, but that’s for another time.  So now that impalement’ll hurt.  Permanently.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

He survives, as you imagine.  His healing factor takes a few more issues before it disappears completely.  And the twist he mentions?  Well, I’m not going to tell you, but his quest to become leader of the LA underworld certainly heads in the right direction.

Luckily, Los Angeles can rest easy, because watching over their large, complicated city lies the watchful eyes of the local superheroes.  I mean superhero.  They have one.  And it’s Moon Knight, the schizophrenic, all-white Batman.  Though to Moon Knight’s benefit, his other personalities are Spider-Man, Captain America, and Wolverine — not a bad batch of crazy imaginary alternative personalities.

What happens next — with Daken even more warped from Heat overdose — begins one of the oddest fights you’ll ever witness in Marvel comics.  Because you know how one of Moon Knight’s schizophrenic personalities is Wolverine?

Oh yes, you get to witness an insane Moon Knight thinking he’s Wolverine go up against an insane, Heat-crazed Daken.  You deserve this.

Moon Knight should get more love just because of his awesome costume.  I love the hood.

Ultimately story-wise, Daken’ll have to be brought down by his father, simply because of the poetic nature of their relationship.  Wolverine brought him into this world and inadvertently caused Daken to become a monster, so he’ll need to clean up that mess.  And he does.  Twice.  But first, Daken has to deal with Moon Knight Wolverine.  Thank god too, because the art should inspire your awe and jealousy.

Like his father, Daken possesses the “berserker” state, where he gains increased speed, power, and fury at the cost of any strategy or tactics.  Think of a cornered, desperate animal.  Also, Moon Knight picks a fantastic time to snap back to reality.

Okay, so Daken loses again.  An uppercut shouldn’t be enough to defeat the man, but Heat this and Heat that.  Drugs are bad, you know that.

He’ll survive to fight another day, if only because Wolverine spawns tend to be practically invincible. Except when the death is bathed in symbolism — no one escapes that.

Mr. Fantastic vs. Namor

Another Fantastic Four article!

So Namor, the Sub-Mariner and ruler of Atlantis, is enamored with the Invisible Woman.  Yes, that story’s been done dozens of times before.  I even covered four of those seduction attempts in a previous article.  But today involves something a long time coming: Mr. Fantastic’s response.  After all, Namor makes no secret about his affections towards Reed Richards’ wife.

But before Mr. Fantastic shows up, Namor’ll try to seduce Sue again in Marvel Knight 4 #8-9, written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa and drawn by Jim Muniz.  By the way, I had never even heard of this 30 issue series until just this week, but oh my god, it is good.  Aguirre-Sacasa should be given whatever comic book medals they have and showered with bloggers’ (and the industry’s) attention and love.

In the current arc, harsh times have befallen the Fantastic Four.  Due to bankruptcy, they now live in a rundown apartment across the city and have all taken “real” jobs to make some extra money.  Sue teaches.

I’m also an English teacher as well, but I don’t look as good as she does in a dress.  Sue has always been portrayed as wildly beautiful, even by comic book standards (where everyone’s super power is to also be super good-looking).  You can understand why Namor finds her so intoxicating.  Also, I love any man who opens his flirting with Shakespeare:

You know, like Sue cannot help but finally succumb to Atlantean royalty.  His superhero costume’s just a speedo, remember.

Except comic book bloggers who quote Shakespeare, ladies.  So the two of them hang out together, because Namor’s not really the kind of man who’s easy to reject.  Plus, her husband’s been ignoring her lately.

That last line is wonderful, by the way.  Now comes the seduction attempt where Namor uses his imposing physicality, flowery language, and dash of arrogance to appeal to Sue’s base desires. Spoiler alert: nope.

We should discuss a known fact of the Marvel universe: Mr. Fantastic’s a fairly terrible husband and father.  He lacks the inability to understand Sue’s emotions.  He spends more time in his lab than with his kids.  I’d call him neglectful, but that’s fairly mean.  Look, he loves Sue, he loves his children, and they all love him back.  I promise you.  And see?  He’s trying to be a good husband here, though there may be one little fish to take care of first.

Right?  Mr. Fantastic’s a total badass.  He even packs some one-liners:

We don’t see Mr. Fantastic fight very often.  He is the smartest man in the world, after all.  Most of his contributions to the team involve science gizmos or genius conclusions or stretchy containment or whatever.  But that doesn’t mean he can’t fight.  Plus with his superpowers — the body plasticity, he remains incredibly difficult to take down.  Punches, guns, and normal weapons don’t really do much. Still, Namor’s powers include flight, underwater breathing, and super strength — so punching’s going to have to do for our Sea King.

Namor’s outdated beliefs on women have been stated several times in comics.  Sure, Sue would possess every luxury she ever desired in Atlantis, but make note: Namor’ll wear the pants (speedo) in that relationship.  Though even with Sue’s public rejection and now sucker punch, he still believes it’s only a matter of time before she sees the light.  That kind of delusion makes me crazy jealous.

The fight ends here as the Human Torch brings forth a more pressing manner.

Regardless of what you read today, Namor’s a superhero and he demonstrates it fully in the rest of the issue.  You can buy the book for that.  I hope you aren’t done with Fantastic Four articles, because Friday’ll be one more.  I don’t think they get the attention (or movies) they deserve.

Red Hulk brawls, Pt. 3

For today’s finale, if Red Hulk isn’t punching someone who has the power to destroy small continents, I don’t want to read it.  I mean, that goes with being a Hulk, right?  Superman fights the intergalactic plague threats that Batman simply can’t handle.  Hulk fights the giant possessed hammer monsters that Hawkeye won’t do much good against.  Though to be fair to Hawkeye, he doesn’t have to fight giant possessed hammer monsters.  So that’s a plus.

Today, we’re taking a look at two fights from Uncanny X-Men #11, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Greg Land, as well as Avengers #14, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by John Romita Jr.  First up, Red Hulk versus Juggernaut Colossus — like normal Juggernaut but now with unbreakable steel skin.

Oh yeah, and this fight takes place underwater.  When I googled, “Can Hulk breathe underwater?” the answers returned unsatisfactory, so I assume Red Hulk grows Hulk gills when he touches a pond or something.  As for Juggernaut Colossus, actual evil demon powers should be enough oxygen or whatever.  My superhero science knowledge tends to be on par with my real life science knowledge.

Though to spice up the fight a bit, I bet you’ve never seen Juggernaut do this:

Green Hulk would charge into battle screaming something about himself in third person.  That’s because green Hulk’s dumb (on occasion).  But as Red Hulk, General “Thunderbolt” Ross keeps all the cognitive and tactical skills he possesses in his human form.  And any good strategist would suggest getting the hell out of the water.  Red Hulk barely stands a chance against normal Juggernaut Colossus, much less Evil Demon Juggernaut Colossus.  But like any good Hulk, he does the usual Hulk strategy: punch harder.

I’ve mentioned this briefly before, but the two Hulks’ powers work differently.  Green Hulk gets stronger the angrier he gets, growing to a theoretically limitless strength level.  But Red Hulk doesn’t have that advantage — he starts the fight at maximum strength, which is about as strong as green Hulk at the start of his transformation.  The difference (besides Red Hulk emitting heat) remains that Red Hulk’s simply a better fighter, which comes from soldiering for the past three or four decades.  So knowing he can’t take Evil Demon Juggernaut Colossus in a boxing match, he goes to Plan B.

Utopia, where the X-Men lives, is an island held up by a single Atlantean pillar.  Victory to Red Hulk, though Colossus kinda forfeits the fight on purpose.

Sadly, our next fight doesn’t contain the strategic genius that propelled Red Hulk into our awaiting hearts.  Remember how people complained about Superman’s fight against Doomsday?  The entire thing ended up being a fistfight until both killed each other in that famous simultaneous strike.  And with all of Superman’s powers, ideas, and buddies, Superman settled on a simple punching contest? Now, disregarding dramatic storytelling reasons, I have a theory.  If Mike Tyson hits you in the face, any other strategies and plans would go straight out the window — Superman gets punched with the hardest punch he’s felt in his life and suddenly the fight becomes more about not letting your opponent see you cry than manipulating the landscape and your arsenal of superpowers to inflict maximum damage.  Or maybe fans are still mad that he came back from the dead.

During the Marvel event Fear Itself a few years back, magical hammers fell to the earth that turned whoever touched it into giant possessed hammer monsters.  Unfortunately, one of those happened to be the Thing.

The Thing already has enough strength to give Red Hulk a run for his money, but now he also gets cool armor and a Thor hammer.  Still, Hulks don’t do much worrying.

You detecting a theme here?  Let Red Hulk fight his Doomsday, because a beast who benches 100 tons now swinging a hammer would be a total day ruiner.  Not content to just smash Red Hulk to death, the Thing throws in some collateral damage as well.

A significant event in comics, because while the Avengers Tower or Mansion collapses once a year or so, the symbolism shouldn’t be mistaken.  It’s just symbolism that repeats itself constantly.  Also, Red Hulk just got crushed by a skyscraper.  See why Hawkeye doesn’t fight certain bad guys?

The only one who out-badass’d Red Hulk during Fear Itself is Captain America.  Does Red Hulk know he can’t win at this point?  Probably.  But when a behemoth wrecks downtown New York City, the fight has to continue nonetheless.  And who knows an unwinnable fight better than the man who spent the past fifteen years hunting down the Hulk? Enjoy the rest of the brawl uninterrupted:

Brutal, delightful, and I wish comics had more scenes like that.  Not where the bad guys win, but that visceral struggle against unstoppable forces.  I admire the creative, tricky, and surprising victories (and those always show off the talent and skill of the writer), but something satisfying must be said for the primitive, issue-long smackfest.  In Hulk #38, we pick up where Avengers #14 left off, and the final page sums up perfectly why I love my dear Red Hulk:

Red Hulk brawls, Pt. 2

Red Hulk changed over the course of the Hulk series.  He started out as a chauvinistic, despicable Hulk — punching, scheming, growling, making threats, etc.  But once Hulk #25 began, the series went in a different direction.  Since General “Thunderbolt” Ross doesn’t have all the years of loneliness and angst his green pal possesses, the Hulk stories focused more on adventures and plot rather than the internal heartbreaking struggle of two conflicting personas.  Red Hulk still punches, schemes, growls, and makes threats — just as a good guy now.

We’ll cover two more fights today and two more on Monday.  I’m a sucker for Hulks.  Enjoy some scenes from Hulk #7-9, written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Frank Cho, as well as Hulk #26, written by Jeff Parker and drawn by Gabriel Hardman.

As I hate to waste a good match up, let’s begin with round two of Thor and Red Hulk.  Especially after that embarrassing defeat Thor suffered at Red Hulk’s hand previously.

Thor’s not much of a conversationalist.  Last time the Red Hulk showed up, Thor got thrown to the moon, so maybe Thor’s lack of hesitation serves as a safer method of battle.  Well, that and the thunder god’s not much for the subtleties of messages.  Plus, Ross really deserves a revenge beating.

In the comic book world, everyone’s not only a martial arts master, but also a super genius.  The best and brightest of humanity and space putting on silly costumes and pummeling bad guys.  But no one would call Thor a super genius.  The god’s valiant, strong, and charismatic, but he’d do far better smashing ice giants than taking a math test.  I’m okay with that; who need chemistry when you can juggle mountains?

A solid point brought up by Thor.  Also in fiction, it’s never a good sign when the bones are visible outside the body.  With Red Hulk thoroughly humbled and the scheduled team-up able to resume, Thor lets loose a secret.  A delightful secret.

Thor: god of thunder, lightning, and pettiness.

As we ended the first part on Wednesday with a Red Hulk versus Hulk fight, I figured I could do the second best thing.  Jennifer Walters (SHIELD agent, lawyer, Hulk’s cousin, and who definitely did not sleep with the Juggernaut) gets tasked to hunt down this Red Hulk and bring him to justice.  And by justice, I mean smack the crap out of him.  Also, she can bring some buddies.

Unfortunately, a Hulk tends to be extremely difficult to take down.  Especially a tactical genius with decades of military experience like Ross.  And more importantly, he can turn lesser superheroes into goo with a single punch.

Here, he makes a bunch of stereotypical male-pig comments that I’m skipping.  To be fair to Red Hulk, this was near the beginning of the series where he had established himself firmly as a villain. Also, isn’t Ross like 60 years old?  Different generation, right?  Luckily, our superheroines can strategize beyond Operation Tackle the Red Rage Monster.

Now he gets his butt kicked.  Flower power and whatnot.

Remember a few pictures up when I mentioned the difficulty in taking down a Hulk?  Pesky Hulks heal from major damage within seconds, which only adds to the list of insanely powerful superpowers. Though if you need to feel better, they can’t wear shirts without them being ripped apart during the transformation.  So there’s that.

Turns out She-Hulk has far more friends than we expected.  Some more effective than others, but defeating a Hulk is a numbers game — like usually an entire squad of Avengers.

Beautifully done close-up of Red Hulk’s newly broken nose.  Whether or not Hardman planned to pursue an art career where he drew face punches, this certainly adds a bit of flavor to his portfolio.  I’m saying he should enlarge that panel and make it his computer wallpaper.

I imagine like most policemen, a superhero job involves brief flashes of excitement followed by long stretches of waiting and paperwork.

Look, patience pays off.  With Red Hulk’s civilian identity in SHIELD’s dossier, they can manipulate or keep track of Red Hulk so as to protect whatever green Hulk he tries to beat to death.  Are you ready for the exciting reveal?  I mean, you already know who he is, but the other characters certainly don’t.

Never mind, he gets away.  Next time, we’ll have the final part — and maybe I’ll find a fight he actually wins.

Red Hulk brawls, Pt. 1

Our favorite green rage monster brings out the most primitive reasons we love superheroes: every time he shows up, all heroes and villains instantly soak their pants.  And what’s not to love about the Hulk? Infinitely strong, wildly unpredictable, and nine feet tall make for a compelling character right from the get go.  Add in the fugitive status, the brilliant scientist trapped within his dumb brute alter ego, and a heaping mound of self-loathing — it’s not hard to understand why the Hulk’s been so popular for over fifty years.

But I want to talk about the Red Hulk today.  Premiering in 2008, he spent the first twenty-two issues of volume two of Hulk as a complete mystery.  It took two years, but finally General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross emerged from behind the monster mask.  You know Thunderbolt Ross, right? Hulk’s arch-nemesis?  Father to Bruce Banner’s love interest Betty Ross?  Well, now he’s a Hulk.  A red one.

We’re going to take a look at a few of Ross’ fights today and Friday.  Let’s enjoy scenes from Hulk #5 and #24, written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Ed McGuinness.  First up, Thor.

I’ll admit it — Thor gets his butt kicked horrifically.  Truthfully, I don’t mind; I like the fight.  For goodness sake, I worship the ground Spider-Man walks on and Peter Parker gets his butt handed to him like twice an issue.

If anyone could rival a Hulk’s strength, it’s Thor.  Y’know, except this time.

Have you heard of the fictional construction company Damage Control?  In the Marvel universe, they employ superheroes to clean up after battles between the good and bad guys.  I’m just saying the company’s down payment for that new jacuzzi gets placed the second a Hulk shows up in the city.

Now come some weird physics.  I don’t know enough science to verify Red Hulk’s claim and honestly, I don’t really care.  If we accept unconditionally that these characters reside in a world where gods walk the streets and toxic goo grants super powers, then what right do we have to question physics of all things?

Victory to Red Hulk.  Ross combines all the strength and abilities of Banner’s Hulk with Ross’ own vast combat and military experience.  More importantly, he doesn’t have all the angst of living his life on the run for the past two decades that his green counterpart has.  Still, spending two decades chasing his green counterpoint has definitely built up some rage issues.  No better therapy in the superhero world than bashing the other into paste.

Double spread graces our opening.  I like the color-coded inner thoughts of the two rivals.

Notice the fire coming from Red Hulk?  Along with all the other Hulk stuff, the angrier he gets, the hotter he gets — and he’s currently quite angry.

I should probably explain briefly.  In the very opening issue of the series, Red Hulk killed the supervillain Abomination.  And yes, the Abomination did kill Ross’ daughter.  Though she’s back now as Red She-Hulk, but that’s a story for another time.

Very few characters hate like these two do.  Each pretty much ruined the other’s life — Banner running forever from Ross and his military while Ross forever hunts his white whale he’ll never win against.  Hell, Ross had baddies turn him into this monster so he can finally punch Banner to death. Turns out missiles and lasers haven’t been as effective as originally hoped.  Well, mission accomplished. Goodbye Hulk.

Normally for dramatic effect, I would go on as if the story ended here.  Ross leaves this life of violence behind and settles into a small cabin by a lake, content for the first time in his long life.  Etc.  But I wouldn’t be fooling anyone today.  You know why everyone’s scared of the Hulk?  Because of this:

Hulk totally wins, and not just because he’s the title character of the series. While more misguided intentions rather than outright supervillain, Ross has to lose — that’s how comics work.  We have spent our entire lives cheering on our green buddy, and Ross remains the persistent antagonist/loser. Y’see, whether it takes a single issue or years, the heroes will always emerge victorious and justice will always defeats immorality.  Sure Thor can get knocked around a little, but we know in our hearts that it’s only a matter of time before Banner shows up and humbles Red Hulk.  Simple, yes, but also a fantasy I’m very much behind.

It’s not easy being a Hulk.  Time for Ross to learn that the hard way.  This Friday we’ll cover a few more fights; I promise it involves lots more punching.