The tragic tale of Speedball and Penance, Pt. 1
Posted: 12/20/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 9 Comments(I hope enough time has past that this article isn’t in bad taste. I apologize if I’m wrong.)
Robbie Baldwin is a young boy’s dream situation. As a teenager and like most superhero origins, he gets into a freak scientific accident. A strange dimensional energy slams into him, giving him the ability to generate adorable energy balls as well as bounce around like a pinball machine. Here’s his premiere in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #22 back in 1988.
As a good-looking, surprisingly capable superhero, he became involved with the New Warriors team and gained fame considerable to our real world child stars. Trust me, I’m surprised as you are considering his superpower involves colorful bubbles.
Speedball’s life progressed with all the glory and bliss that we all secretly covet. Well, until 2006. If you’re not up to date with Marvel history in the 2000s, that year began the widely talked about Civil War. Y’see, a few superheroes attacked bad guys in a civilian zone, and in a disastrous underestimation of their opponents, they let the supervillain Nitro explode. He killed 612 people, including children. Oh yeah, you figured it out. Baldwin and his New Warriors set off the events that would shape the Marvel universe for the rest of the decade. Witness it for yourself in Civil War #1, written by Mark Millar and drawn by Steve McNiven.
In a genius PR move, the New Warriors film a reality show of their battles. Now, why is Speedball acting like such an egotistical jerk? Duh, because that’s what makes redemption so much better. Enjoy Baldwin’s last fight as Speedball for the next few years:
Look, teenage superheroes are extremely important to the mythos of comics. Spider-Man and the X-Men started their crimefighting careers as teenagers among others. Every few years, a new team of young kiddos pops up to be trained as the next generation of Avengers or whatever. Seriously, there must be at least twenty superpowered children starring in Marvel titles at any given time. But some supervillains simply can’t be taken down by a group of kids. Like Nitro, who can do this:
The resulting blast kills all of the New Warriors. Poor Namorita and her relatable skin problems. A few hours or so after the explosion, the police find a single survivor. Turns out a bunch of bubbles can also absorb the impact of more than an uppercut. In Civil War: Frontline #1-10, written by Paul Jenkins and drawn by Steve Lieber, we see Speedball’s life-altering aftermath.
Understand that Speedball’s the only survivor of his team, and that it was his own recklessness that killed them despite loud objections beforehand. Couple that onto his emotional stability from being smack in the middle of puberty, and the guilt totally destroys poor Baldwin.
Y’see, his powers disappeared from the PTSD. He quickly discovered that he could gain back his energy blasts, but only when suffering from extreme pain. Perfectly suited to his guilt, Baldwin creates a suit that would make even the kinkiest fetishists jealous. Lots of spikes, needles, and other things that make him bleed installed throughout new costume.
If you noticed in the pictures above, his powers changed too. From potential alone, Penance may quite possibly be one of the most powerful superheroes in the Marvel universe. I’m serious. Part of his redemption included joining Norman Osborn’s Thunderbolts, the team of former supervillains working for the government. In Thunderbolts #116, written by Warren Ellis and Mike Deodato Jr., we get to see just how incredibly powerful he’s gotten since his transformation:
I promise you, Penance’s one of the good guys. I’m just making sure you remember that.
No longer able to create whimsical bubbles, Penance uses a more brute forth type of attacks. Think of it like a flesh-ripping forces of energy instead of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.
Luckily for everyone else, Baldwin still has all his old weaknesses. Like massive head trauma.
Our story has just begun. Part two on Monday will cover Penance’s rematch with Nitro (and it’s dark). We’ll finish up on Wednesday with Penance’s transformation back to Speedball and the final acts of his redemption in the city where this all started.
Professor X vs. Cyclops & Emma Frost
Posted: 12/18/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentRemember X-Men: Deadly Genesis? That’s where the X-Men found out that Professor X’s been abusing his mind powers with manipulation and memory adjusting. The jigs up and the old man gets kicked out of his own group. I covered it in more detail in a previous article. Well, despite his horribly broken relationship with Cyclops, the good professor still needs a few questions answered. Whether Cyclops wants to or not.
We’re picking up today in X-Men Legacy #215-216, written by Mike Carey and drawn by Scot Eaton. Since Xavier’s no longer allowed near his mutant tribe, he has to resort to sneakier methods.
Do you know about Emma Frost? She’s terribly confident, extremely powerful, and generally unpleasant to be around. Also, she’s Cyclops’ girlfriend. We’ll cover her history and powers in a later article, but understand that she’s a psychic very close to matching Professor X’s abilities. Anyway, how’s the camp-out go?
Y’know, for one of the world’s most intelligent and introspective people, Professor X does some really dumb things. He knew that Cyclops wouldn’t voluntarily meet him, or at least not in a private setting. Using his telepathy, Xavier subtly influenced Scott’s mind to meet him at this exact spot. While certainly a jerk move, this type of behavior is the exact reason Cyclops kicked him out of the X-Men in the first place. The man’s essentially learned nothing.
Scott, being the bigger man, decides to walk away before he does something he might regret. People forget Cyclops has a temper, like say, Professor X.
Let’s be fair to the professor — his reasons for having to meet Cyclops are valid. Mr. Sinister, probably the X-Men’s greatest foe now that Magneto switched sides, has the powers of the most powerful psychics and a horrifyingly genius intelligence. The supervillain can also mind control dudes, and if Cyclops has any Sinister timebombs waiting in his brain, that could singlehandedly bring down the X-Men.
But we’re talking Professor X here, and he doesn’t really have permission nowadays to go through the brains of the people he lied to and manipulated.
Heads up, this article has a ton of philosophy and ethics discussions. Not so much fighting, but that’s mainly because Professor X can stop lasers with his mind. First, Scott brings up an important question. How does Professor X justify his actions and still unrelentingly claim to be a hero?
It’s a lost cause. Realizing he won’t be able to convince his star pupil, the professor gives up. Surely he can find a dumber mutant to Mission Impossible-style pry out memories and leftover psychic residue.
Just one problem.
Welcome to part two, where two unlikable psychics battle for supremacy within Professor X’s brain. Unfortunately, telepathic battles involve less mind-chucking cars at the enemy and more like a race to relive traumatic emotional experiences until one of them breaks down into tears. Except Emma Frost cheated and she won the race before Xavier knew they were competing.
Oh, how the tables have turned. Not only does Professor X not get to look inside Cyclops’ mind, but now he gets to be strapped down with the Sexy Ghost of Christmas Past instead. I’m not really going into many of Xavier’s most frustrating memories, and you can read the book for the whole story, but both Emma Frost and the professor make a few great points I want to discuss.
Professor X takes this round. Emma could simply put on a psychic rubber glove and feel around for a bit, but the whole deal of taking Xavier through his worst moments most certainly borders on torture. Professor X got in trouble for erasing traumatic memories, not leafing through them like a pop-up book.
Emma scores a point here. Y’see, when Spider-Man fails to save a civilian or something, that’s because his web gave out or the bad guy had him distracted. He’ll mope about it for weeks before finally moving on as a better, stronger person. Spider-Man, for all his power, can’t permanently remove that memory and horror from his mind instead of the normal growing and understanding the purpose and cause of his errors. But the professor can and does. The amount of sin for abusing power is determined quite simply by the amount of power being abused. We’re talking about a merchant who refuses to give his employees benefits versus a king who slaughters entire groups of people that he views as threats. Both are abusing power, but one’s way worse than the other.
Emma’s final point? Suck it up and stop with the self-pity. Trust me, Emma’s done far worse things than the professor with her powers and she sleeps happily and snugly every night. Professor X’s more distraught because he views himself as the moral center for the entire mutant race, when truthfully, he’s skirts the ethical line like every superhero ever. And it’s about time he accepts that about himself. I mean, do you know how much unwarranted assault and building damages go unpunished and unpaid in the superhero community?
So how do we know the battle’s over? Well, I told you how these things end:
More importantly, Cyclops and Professor X’s relationship changes once again:
While Professor X doesn’t rejoin the X-Men, at least he has regained the respect and love of his protégé and successor. That’s as good a start as any.
Non-violent interludes and other happy tales
Posted: 12/16/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC, Marvel 4 CommentsI originally had an article all ready for today about the superhero Speedball. For those who don’t know the story, Speedball makes a mistake and ignites an exploding supervillain. The resulting blast kills 600 plus people, including 60 schoolchildren. So in light of recent real world events, that article’s going to have be sidelined for a week or two. Instead, let’s just have a good time. No punching, no bad guys, and no problems. Instead of covering tragedy and pain, we’re going to have some fun. Mostly Spider-Man fun.
First up, Mary Jane and the Avengers watch basketball
Before the demon Mephisto erased Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson’s marriage, Spider-Man’s wife received all sorts of privileges and benefits. Like living in the Avengers Tower with the other superheroes. And when Galactus or Kang the Conqueror are busy destroying other worlds and dimensions, the Avengers can finally relax and catch up on the Knicks. Here’s a delightfully quick scene from Spider-Man: Web of Romance one-shot, written by Tom Beland and drawn by Cory Walker:
Mary Jane’s such an amazing character. Easily the best non-superheroine wife of a superhero. From a strictly storytelling perspective, making Spider-Man single again is a fantastic idea. But the extreme fan outrage of their “divorce” says wonders about the fan appeal for the dear lady. It’s only a matter of years before the two get back together again, and my bleeding heart agrees.
A brief Zatanna intermission
The biggest obstacle for new fans looking to join the comic book world has to be the decades and decades of insane back story and continuity. Actually, trying to give new fans a good starting point is one of the major reasons I started this blog in the first place. So in the interest of getting everyone caught up, let’s learn about Zatanna’s past in the most lighthearted way possible with a scene from Zatanna: Everyday Magic, written by Paul Dini and drawn by Rick Mays.
Like most DC women, Zatanna’s terribly unlucky in love — maybe due to an abundance of male writers or to add emotional layers to the characters or something. I have no idea and that’s a problem I’m not going to touch. Anyway, even sorta sad stories can be made fun with a bit of silly narration. Oh, and if you ever wanted to see Zatanna unleash the occasional f-bomb while teaming up with John Constantine, this might be a good one-shot to pick up.
Finally, Spider-Man bonds with his best friend the Human Torch
You can’t deny they’re best friends. They’re the brother they each wish they had. I don’t care what Harry Osborn has to say. Remember when Johnny Storm “died” a few years ago and he personally requested Spider-Man to be his replacement? I’m just saying Harry Osborn spends most of his time thinking of ways to kill the webslinger. Plus, the Human Torch and Spider-Man fulfill a very important trait lacking in the superhero community: immaturity. In Spider-Man/Human Torch #5, written by Dan Slott and drawn by Ty Templeton, we see the exact moment they became the best of friends:
You see, despite all the arguments and childish games between the two, all they really lacked was the mutual respect that’s so important in superhero partnership. Normally, superheroes will bond while roundhouse kicking ninjas or terrorists, but you know what works faster? Deep, personal secrets.
I love this scene. Johnny’s biggest insecurities — a desire for a parental figure, a legitimate career, the intelligence to match his family, and a steady relationship — are what Peter has in droves. Respectively, Johnny’s lifestyle — the wealth, the unrelenting love from the public, access to the coolest scientific exploits, and an unnecessary need for accountability — are all Peter has ever wanted. See? They complete each other. Thus starts a comic book tradition we can all agree on.
Let’s end happy. We deserve it.
Severely mismatched super battles
Posted: 12/13/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights, Marvel 9 CommentsWe know that superheroes all possesses different levels of powers. Some can move moons while others can backflip really high. The inequality of powers forces writers to think of creative ways for their lesser powerful heroes to win their fights, and comics are better for it. But sometimes the best path to victory is to avoid the fight altogether. Not so with this batch of today’s battles. You’re about to witness some superheroes who make some very poor decisions.
Let me be clear: none of our protagonists win. They’re going up against opponents who massively outclass them in every single way. And the best part? Their opponents know it.
Round 1: Punisher vs. Spider-Man
If you think about it from a statistical point of view, the Punisher can’t compete with Spider-Man. Peter Parker’s probably about three to four times faster than him, at least thirty times stronger, and he has that unfair spider-sense to avoid, say, a vigilante’s machine gun spray. In the critically acclaimed Punisher: War Zone #1, written by Greg Rucka and drawn by Carmine Di Giandomenico, fans cheered for what may be the most accurate fight between the two in the history of comics.
Oh, and why are they fighting?
That’s why: Spider-Man’s unbridled hatred and unrelenting frustration for a man who’s killed more people than times Spider-Man has chafed in his skintight outfit. In Punisher Max, I believe they list the official murder count for Frank Castle as over 2000.
I think people forget how durable Spider-Man is. He can’t exactly shrug off an explosion or impalement, but he’s certainly not going to be taken down by an old man’s punch. Time to let Castle know that.
On an unrelated note, have you ever wondered the stink coming off the Punisher? I can’t imagine he has more than one or two skull shirts, and most of his outfits look like Goodwill rejects. Add that to his usual residence of hidden bunkers and abandoned warehouses, and we have a man whose smell probably scares away even dogs. Still, good job with all that mobster vengeance stuff.
Round 2: Slam Bradley vs. Batman
I’ve covered Slam in a previous Catwoman post, but if you’re not caught up, he’s an old-timey detective from comics of the 1930s. He recently reappeared in Catwoman volume 2, apparently having aged in real time. Fortunately for Slam, Catwoman tends to make awful choices when under emotional duress and after a particularly tragic Black Mask incident, she started dating Slam. Well, dating’s probably too strong of a word. Anyway, Batman would like to have a few words with his former paramour’s new paramour in Catwoman #22, written by the fantastic Ed Brubaker and drawn by Nick Derington & Cameron Stewart.
To fully understand just how badly Slam is matched up against Batman, he actually has a son that’s Batman’s age. And yes, Batman’s comment was unwarranted, but being a jerk comes with wearing the cowl.
Sure, Slam is a tough guy for his age, but Batman’s not only in his prime, he’s also mastered dozens of martial arts, wears several layers of armor, and has single-handedly scared the piss out of every criminal in Gotham. Poor Slam.
You know you’ve done poorly when Batman’s laughing at your performance. Especially because Batman has no sense of humor. Having parents murdered in front of you will numb your ability to let go and giggle once in a while. So, I guess happy ending?
Round 3: Red Hood and the Outlaws vs. Superman
Jason Todd, the second Batman and current sorta superhero Red Hood has been adventuring with a few buddies since the DC universe rebooted itself. I’ll happily admit it: Todd’s team has major talent, despite the other members being Green Arrow’s disgraced sidekick and an over-sexualized alien princess. Though they sometimes make horrendous tactical errors. Like threatening the Man of Steel in Red Hood and the Outlaws #14, written by Scott Lobdell and drawn by Pascal Alixe.
If you want to know how little chance Red Hood and the Outlaws have against the most powerful man in comics, even Superman can’t believe they’re attempting to fight him. It’s like their strategy is to do something so stupid, Superman needs a moment to comprehend the sheer stupidity of the decision just made. Seriously, Red Hood’s strategy is to shoot him with bullets.
Can they pull this off with a gunk arrow? No, of course not. Besides being practically invulnerable, Superman also possesses the ability to make up powers on the spot. For proof, see every single Superman comic from the 1940s.
The fight stops abruptly here, if just because the series will have a tough time continuing the story if all the major characters have their skulls caved in.
Round 4: Swarm of archers vs. Hawkeye
In one of Clint Barton’s solo adventures, he travels to Laos to recover a lost Jesus pillar. Every word in that sentence is true. He definitely finds it, but turns out the escape might be a bit harder than he thought:
Normally, a hundred soldiers going up against one non-powered man wouldn’t be so scary. Except they’re going up against a card-wielding Avenger, a man so skilled that an actual god trusts Hawkeye to back him up. Trust me, you’re about to witness a massacre from Hawkeye #5-6, written by Fabian Nicieza and drawn by Stefano Raffaele.
By the way, Hawkeye’s body count? Zero. Third degree burns? Most of them.
This story’s canon too, meaning Hawkeye isn’t dreaming he pulled all this off while deep under the covers snuggling his bow. Though you know what else Barton shot up with his arrows? Cultural insensitivity, but that’s a problem for another day.
Heartfelt moments with the Avengers
Posted: 12/11/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 7 CommentsI won’t lie – the finest pieces of literature almost always end in tragedy. Maybe it’s the symbolism or a harder emotional punch, but sad stories tend to leave a longer lasting impact than stories ending in puppies and sunshine. Well, too bad, because today I want some feelgood stuff. Warm fuzzies for everyone!
So about a year and a half ago, Marvel realized that Spider-Man only had one ongoing title at that time. Well, that’s just not going to work. Spider-Man (and Wolverine) must have a minimum of three titles each or Marvel lose out on all those wonderful, easy profits. Think of the characters as rabbit feet that spit money. Luckily for me, after world peace and a full head of hair, more Spider-Man comics is my biggest wish.
Introduced in 2011, Marvel made the new series Avenging Spider-Man a team-up book, meaning Spider-Man would have a new buddy cop every issue or two:
She-Hulk this issue and next issue’ll be someone else. Readers everywhere delight. By the way, this is genius, if just because Peter Parker interacting with other superheroes may be one of his finest traits. Let’s take a look today Avenging Spider-Man #4-5, written by the amazing Zeb Wells and drawn by Greg Land & Lenil Francis Yu.
Hawkeye
Our first story pairs Spider-Man up with Hawkeye. You know Hawkeye — circus boy turned master marksman turned supervillain turned Avenger turned vigilante turned Avenger turned vigilante turned repeat a dozen times. He quits the team a lot. Anyway, this guy:
One night on patrol, Spider-Man and Hawkeye get into an argument:
I know we make jokes about Hawkeye. The man uses a bow and arrows alongside the most accomplished war hero in history, a billionaire with armor that can make buildings explode from space, and the actual Norse god of thunder. Hawkeye’s just a normal human with an Olympic talent, and trust me, he knows exactly how we all think of him.
Hard to argue his point. Writers shouldn’t have to justify Hawkeye being on the team if it’s implied he has 100% accuracy with that weapon of his, because it’s certainly not his stellar personality that keeps him around. Anyway, bad guys show up, of course.
Yes, that’s rude, but Sidewinder’s also a half mile away and Hawkeye’s using a medieval tool. Still, Spider-Man’s doubt isn’t going to stop Hawkeye from taking the shot. He’s a master marksman, gosh darn it.
And how does Hawkeye do?
Okay, so he missed the shot. And really, even Captain America misses a shield throw once in a while. Actually, I take that back — I don’t think he does. Spider-Man being a true gentleman, he makes the decision any superhero would: the best one.
Ah, it’s a beautiful moment of boasting and arrogance. Aren’t you glad you witnessed this?
You know what, I miss the old articles where I would post a monstrous amount of images and text. How about we go retro today and read one more?
Captain America
Did you know Captain America used to be a talented artist? Well, maybe not talented, but certainly an artist:
To be fair to Steve Rogers, everything was cheesy in the 1940s.
Maybe not the reaction you were expecting, but Captain America has a good reason:
You can click it for a bigger image. I think you would agree with me that someone has little time for cartoons when busy punching Hitler. Spider-Man can’t contain his excitement about this little gem from the captain’s past. That meant seventy-ish years ago, Captain America, the perfect human specimen, used to be a total nerd. And trust me, nothing makes it more okay to be a nerd than having the symbol of the entire country on your side.
Too bad subtlety isn’t Parker’s strong point.
Though, Captain America’s not much better:
You know what that means, right? Uncomfortable bonding time! Also, Spider-Man not being able to take a hint.
Look, if you’re reading this, then you’re either a comic book fan or my parents. So I assume you can sympathize with Spider-Man’s point of view. Trust me, I’m reminded every day by TV shows, commercials, sneakers, toys, school supplies, and more that superheroes are, well, for kids. If you truly take the time to think about it, the idea is insane that anyone over the age of twelve would be obsessed with men and women running around in colorful tights shooting lazers and icicles and whatever at each other. And believe me, comic book nerds understand this completely. Hopefully.
But listen, superheroes aren’t just an escape from a manchild’s horrible life as an IT Supervisor. Comic books are a form of literature, composed of a combination of two completely accepted types of art. It’s an art form that we all accept as needing years of honing talent and skill. We’re not admiring Piss Christ or anything. And you didn’t judge all those moms reading Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey, right? Deep down, in the lowest layers of our psyche, aren’t we just glad that those books, while far from perfect, simply got people to read? Instead of judging older comic book fans for “not growing up” or what may be a potentially legitimate argument, can’t we just be happy that they found something they’re passionate about and interested in? Joy can be so fleeting — trust me, I’m never happier than when I’m discussing superheroes, and that includes my job, cat, and adult beverages.
Spider-Man’s right. We know it. Captain America knows it.
And a good evening was had by all.
Murdering with Punisher and Elektra
Posted: 12/09/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 8 CommentsIn Punisher comics, writers tend to use noir-like text boxes to show Frank Castle’s thoughts, since the guys mainly communicates in grunts and bullets. Keep track of all the dialogue today: the Punisher speaks eleven words, which is usually the minimum Spider-Man says every single time he opens his mouth.
Today, we’re checking 0ut Punisher #27, volume 4, written by Garth Ennis and drawn by Tom Mandrake. Ennis would later go on to write the Punisher Max series, and I’d be lying to say that isn’t one of my favorite collections of all time. Read it if you care about yourself. And are over 18 — it’s saucy. Anyway, Castle’s having a normal night. Tracking criminals during the day, blowing their brains out at night.
Until something different happens.
Meet Elektra, the former lover of Daredevil and quite possibly the most dangerous assassin in the world. She costs a bijillion dollars a kill and can stand up to superheroes and villains of all powers and abilities. If Elektra shows up, someone’s about to be dead — that seems to be the general consensus in the Marvel universe.
Back to our story, let’s not jump to conclusions. Both the Punisher and Elektra are certifiable killers, and it’s not crazy to believe they’re after the same target. Plus, the Punisher saves a bullet, especially useful considering he doesn’t have a day job or income or friends. Chalking it up to chance, the next day Castle heads off to cap his next target.
Elektra’s been trained by The Hand ninja cult, which likes to get up close and sharp with their enemies. See all those limbless and headless dudes? Probably a good sign Castle lost the race.
Since Castle’s just a normal non-powered old man, he relies heavily on strategy and planning. And while the guy can take a bullet or five more than you and I can using just sheer willpower, he’s survived for so long by playing smart. Elektra showing up twice sets off a few alarms and he doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say. But whatever it is, the message is loud and clear:
The mystery thickens to the inevitable conclusion, because eventually Castle’ll get the jump on the ninja lady. Well, at least tie. Finally, he’s after Skinny Vic Strega, a bad dude with an ironic nickname.
Buckle in, because time to this wrap baby up. No way out except the window, and the Punisher has that way covered. Whatever game Elektra’s playing, it’s game over now. The two can sit down and sort this out once and for all. Or a bloody ninja fight. One of the two.
C’mon, that’s pretty funny for the Punisher. Though I bet Elektra has a way to kill him with a human heart. Maybe suffocation or toxins or something. I dunno, I’m not a scientist. Oh, and why has she been messing with him the whole week?
There you have it. When a super wealthy ninja gets antsy, she fools around with vigilantes to keep herself entertained. Maybe we’re all better off with comic books being fiction. Plus, Marvel’s New York City gets blown up once a month.
As Elektra and Punisher part ways, our hero stumbles upon some last minute thoughts. Dangerous thoughts, and the entire reason I picked this issue.
Who says the Punisher doesn’t have a type?
Electro’s Occupy Wall Street
Posted: 12/06/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel Leave a commentWell, sort of. Electro (real name Max Dillon) has had a bad few months. Originally playing the supervillain game for the cash and respect it relishes its players, both perks seemed to have dried up recently.
The guy’s depressed. Normal sad folks would distract themselves with a movie or something, but not the living thunderbolt. Combine his electrical powers with his immature and insecure personality, and he handles his depression like this:
Bad news. Today we’re going to take a look at Amazing Spider-Man #612-614, written by Mark Waid and Paul Azaceta. Okay, so about Dexter Bennett. A few dozen issues back, J. Jonah Jameson (the esteemed publisher of The Daily Bugle and constant Spider-Man foil) became mayor of New York City. I agree, that’s an awesome idea. Greedy millionaire Dexter Bennett bought the newspaper, changed the name to The DB and turned it into a tabloid. Jameson blew his top, but he’s too busy shooing away homeless people from benches or whatever. I don’t really know what mayors do.
Anyway, realizing Electro’s insane, Spider-Man stops by to clear up the whole mess. Violently.
Despite Electro’s threats of wealthy bloodshed, the people totally take his side. Figure the rich’ll plug their wounds with $100 bill or something. Unfortunately, the fight turns ugly for our hero. The red and blue one.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Electro’s sick. Sometimes his electricity powers go into overdrive, like we saw during his Spider-Man fight. Other times his surge ends up a little short. No pills he can take for that. The Mad Thinker can cure him, of course, with a one-time payment of a cool million dollars. You know who has a million dollars lying around?
And with that, greedy millionaire Dexter Bennett pays for Electro’s voltage surgery. To be fair, most men would be willing to part with money when threatened in the nude.
Because the comic would be terrible without it, Spider-Man bursts in right as Electro’s getting fixed. Y’know, to kick him and stuff.
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I really don’t think there’s a superhero out there that takes the severe amount of damage Spider-Man does. Those with healing factors don’t count. Still, the web-slinger fights on, because the alternative is toasty.
Electro 2, Spider-Man 0. A smart supervillain would use this advantage to go into hiding and lay low until something more distracting goes on. Not Dillon. Sadly, even when he crosses a payday off his checklist, he’s still missing that elusive final piece of happiness: respect.
Very bad news. With third-degree burns and electrified organs, Spider-Man has to pull himself together, bandage up all his new holes, and stop this madman from slaughtering an old man. Being a superhero takes a lot of commitment.
I would like to tell you that in this fight, Spider-Man musters up the last of his strength, struggles against overwhelming odds with bravery and willpower, and pounds Electro into man-pudding. But I can’t, because you’re probably sensing a pattern by now. We’re going to skip ahead. You can see Spider-Man get his butt kicked on your own time. Finally, using his brain instead of just punching electricity, Spider-Man has all the power cut to the skyscraper. With no more current to drain, Electro’s running on fumes.
Well, zero power and a quick science experiment Peter Parker whipped up on the way to the fight. Dude must keep a few emergency test tubes in his pockets at all times.
You understand why Spider-Man’s villains hate him so much, right? Besides Spider-Man being a weakness genius, he taunts them mercilessly. Only thing worse than having your life ruined is when the guy who broke your nose make jokes about it. I’m not saying Captain America’s a better opponent, but at least the man has no sense of humor.
Electro’s tantrum also has one final little problem. Skyscrapers tend to need infrastructure intact.
Yes, that’s Mayor Jameson. I kind of cut out his side story. Anyway, pay attention to the next two pages, because you’re about to witness Spider-Man history:
With a final rumbling, the former Daily Bugle building collapses on itself. That same building you’ve seen in all the movies, 50 years of comics, and the proudest accomplishment of Jameson’s life. I can’t express just how much absolute perfection the above page is in showing the sheer horror and disbelief on Jameson’s mind. The day has been saved, all the civilians have been rescued, Electro has been defeated, and the poor newspaper man just saw his entire legacy destroyed in a cloud of dust. No joy here, my friends, only the silent tears of a titan gasping its final breath. Tough break.
More importantly, the most shocking part?
“Who thought it’d be a C-lister like Electro who’d deliver the blow?” The guy may have just experienced his first ever flash of respect from his biggest nemesis. At least that might make his jail sentence go by a little faster.
Maybe Electro just needs a hug?
Posted: 12/04/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel Leave a commentMax Dillon (aka Electro) can’t catch a break. Despite incredible powers, he’s a total loser. No matter how hard he tries overcome his comfy C-list spot, he’ll always be the one pummeled by Spider-Man during bank robberies and jewel heists. Plus, it certainly must hurt that his superpower may be among one of the most unoriginal in comics. Using just the electrical manipulation power alone, Electro has to compete with Thor, Storm, Black Lightning, Black Vulcan, Lightning Lad, Lightning Lass, Surge, Aftershock, Sparx, Static, Spider-Woman, and those are just the good guys. Plus, the dude sits on a lineup with far more interesting and complicated baddies like Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus. Spider-Man’s rogue gallery has some tough competition. Well, time to fall in love with Electro. This is where I come in.
Before we start, Electro has easily one of the silliest origin stories of all comics. Only in the 1960s.
Such a perfect Stan Lee creation. Dillon was a normal electrical lineman when a freak bolt of lightning struck him as he was holding onto the power lines. That’s it. Now he can control and shoot electricity. Comics were so much simpler when science didn’t apply. Now he can embrace his new abilities to commit all sorts of exciting crimes! For instance, check out his first appearance in Amazing Spider-Man #9, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Steve Ditko back in 1964:
Unfortunately, such a specific power comes with a specific weakness:
Do you notice the most important part? Those last two panels foreshadow Electro’s fate for the next fifty years. The dude’s a nobody. He can eletrocute who and whatever he wants, but he’ll never reach the level of Loki or Magneto. Though, as you soon realize, his personality usually gets in the way of his ambition. Speaking of Magneto, let’s take a look at a quick scene from Web of Spider-Man #2, written by Fred Van Lente and drawn by Barry Kitson:
By the way, Electro may be the only person in history to use the slang “mutie” in front of Magneto and survive the conversation. Luckily, Magneto can see past racism when he sees superpowers that so beautifully compliment his own. The Holocaust survivor and the former handyman — the world’s greatest supervillain team or the world’s saddest sitcom.
His insecurities bubble up so badly, he can’t even hitch a guaranteed ride to permanent supervillain infamy on the Magneto train because his ego gets in the way. He needs to realize that for all his insane amount of power, he will always be the villain who can be taken out with a garden hose.
Next article, we’ll delve into the story I want to tell, but you have to appreciate Electro before you can appreciate the story. It’s hard to admire Martin Luthor King Jr. if you don’t know about the Civil Right Movement — a completely appropriate analogy for what I’m trying to do.
Look, I can scream and shout about how strong Electro is, but you’re not going to believe me without pretty pictures and word bubbles. We’re going to take a brief look at Young Allies #2, written by Sean McKeever and David Baldeón. The superheroes Gravity and Firestar, gravity and microwave energy manipulation respectively, go out looking for Electro. Y’see, the new teenage supervillain Aftershock claims to be his daughter.
To be fair to Electro, the kids are horribly unprepared for this fight. No SHIELD dossiers, no Google searches, nothing. So they make mistakes like this:
The charcoaled costumes and seared flesh? Probably could have been prevented if they looked him up on Wikipedia first. As you may know, the Marvel universe uses a sliding time scale for their heroes. This way, even with 60 years of comics, all their adventures fit nicely into about fifteen-ish years of comic book time. So if we assume Electro received his powers sometime, I dunno, thirteen years ago, and Aftershock being older than thirteen, well, Electro has a fair point. No need for Maury Povich on this one.
But for every awesome moment Dillon has, he makes up for it with an equally embarrassing moment. Hence why Electro scares superheroes about as much as Toad or Batroc the Leaper. New Avengers #1-4, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by David Finch, follows that formula perfectly.
A few months before this, the Avengers disbanded. The Scarlet Witch went crazy and wiped out half the team. It happens. The new series picks up with this scene from Ryker’s Island, the go-to New York City supervillain prison.
That’s bad. The cause?
Dillon just caused the largest supervillain prison breakout at Ryker’s Island in comic book history. Fortunately, a group of superheroes arrive separately to clean up the mess. Afterward, Captain America realizes that the perfect new group of Avengers just fell into his lap. Don’t you see what this means? Electro is totally, completely 100% responsible for recreating the Avengers. That amazing feat took Loki’s interference last time the Avengers came together, and he’s a few leagues above Electro in terms of ability and threat level.
How do they repay Dillon for his generosity?
Poor Electro’s terribly outmatched. He holds his own against Spider-Man because Spider-Man’s costume is practically underwear. But Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Luke Cage, and Spider-Woman all at once? Such a lost cause. Which brings us to that pathetic moment that must happen for Electro’s circle-of-life to reset itself.
How upsetting. Oh well. On Friday, we’ll read along as Electro takes a stand for the little guy. Figuratively.
Superman copes with the election
Posted: 12/02/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC Leave a commentOnce in a while, I submit guest articles to different blogs to help increase my traffic and support my friends’ blogs. But since my main area of expertise (comics) doesn’t always mesh well with other blog styles, the posts don’t always get approved. Well, let’s not it go to waste, right? Here’s an article intended for my dear buddy’s left-wing bile-spewing political blog:
—
So the holidays have arrived and you’ve had a month to reflect on the reelection of Barack Obama. It’s okay if you’re not happy about it. The thing about having two sides compete is that one will always lose. That’s kind of how politics works. Though after three weeks or so after the election, are you still angry and disappointed? Probably not on this website, since this site leans towards volatile, stick-prodding liberalism, but you know who’s been in a similar situation as you’re in, Romney fans? Superman.
In 2000, Lex Luthor — the evil, manipulative, wealthy megalomaniac — won the presidency of the United States. Fairly.
Superman’s quite distraught with this news, if only because the president-elect has been trying to kill him ever since the Man of Steel hit middle school. But he can’t do anything about it except learn to adjust. Luckily, his Justice League buddies have some advice for him – and for you too, I guess. Let’s take a look at select scenes from Superman #165, volume 2, written and drawn by a ton of talented people.
Green Lantern:
First lesson: The next four years might not be as bad as you think it’ll be. Optimism amidst reality.
Aquaman:
Second lesson: Checks and balances are set up for a reason. Believe that any lies and broken promises will be paid back in full. But probably not with armies of mermen.
Flash:
Third lesson: Obama did win with over 50% of the popular vote. Trust your fellow countrymen that they’ll do the right thing. Hopefully. Also, Superman gives terrible Christmas gifts.
Wonder Woman:
Fourth lesson: Instead of whining about the loss, use this time to make yourself into someone that can withstand any presidential administration, no matter how much you may loathe them. I’m thinking stocks and jiu-jitsu.
Batman:
Final lesson: Bide your time. And vote. Batman probably means to vote.
See? Don’t worry so much! If Superman can handle his arch-nemesis and confirmed jerk being elected the top position in American politics, then you certainly can. Enjoy the holidays, stop dwelling on political bitterness, and maybe you should check out Dancing with the Stars again. Did you know it’s the All-Stars season?
Wolverine vs. Mystique
Posted: 11/29/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsFour posts ago, we briefly covered the inside of Wolverine’s twisted/perverted/tragic mind brought on by his soul being sent to Hell. Well, he escaped, and Wolverine isn’t really a big fan of stuff like massive physical and psychological torture. Being proactive, how’s he going to assure he won’t be sent back to the eternal flames against his will again? Did you guess it involves impalement?
Today we cover Wolverine #9, written by Jason Aaron and drawn by Daniel Acuña. Also, I’m using a huge chunk of the issue. As my knowledge of copyright laws is about equal to my knowledge of calculus (I think it uses letters?), I hope I don’t get a nasty e-mail in a few months. Y’see, this issue doesn’t have much dialogue. Instead, we go on a movie-esque chase through the city as three warriors battle for supremacy in a style extremely well-suited for comic books. Yes, I’m biased, but even if you don’t understand or particularly like superheroes, I hope you’ll at least recognize comics as both literature and an art form. With a lot more punching.
So how does Wolverine know Mystique was behind his soul’s misadventure? His usual methods:
Unfortunately, before Wolverine can enact his revenge, this happens:
Meet Lord Deathstrike. His sister Lady Deathstrike has been a pain-in-the-butt of Wolverine’s for decades. I believe she was even in one of the X-Men movies. While her brother doesn’t have those cool claw nails, he does possess her general disregard for human life, a passionless demeanor, and a talent for murdering. The usual supervillain traits.
Certainly Mystique can take more punishment than a normal civilian. Shifting her organs around or whatever. But exploding sniper bullets? That’s going to be harder to shake off.
Now comes the fun part. I mean, this is a Wolverine story. Though when an X-Man secretly wants to murder someone who’s wronged him, he’s not allowed to take the jet. Moral ethics and the high price of jet fuel, I guess.
I admire Wolverine for trying to claw her by sticking his hand out the window. Poor guy just doesn’t have any projectile superpowers. Let’s watch as the fight becomes a crazy action movie — this issue is super fun.
I mentioned last time that Mystique gets by on brains more than brawn. And what’s smarter than a giant machine gun? As you read more and more about Mystique, you realize that a good chunk of the world — both good and bad guys — would like to see her dead. To describe her as mischievous might be an understatement. Sure, supervillains like Dr. Doom ooze far more hatred and bitterness from the vengeful masses and their hired help than little Mystique, but she also doesn’t hide behind an army of Doombots and the complete mastery of both scientific terrors and powerful dark magic. So she has to use giant machine guns.
The Red Right Hand actually commissioned the whole sending-Wolverine-to-Hell thing. They’re a group of crazy people that you’ll have to read the next arc on your own to find out about, and the plot twist at the end remains one of the finest I’ve ever read in comics. Anyway, back to bullets and explosions.
With the well-dressed man out of the way, we can finally get to the confrontation you’ve been waiting patiently. Spoiler alert: Wolverine’s not exactly known for his eloquence.
And for the first time ever in comics, Mystique has been killed. Like officially, 100% killed. Revenge completed. She actually gets resurrected a few issues later by the evil ninja group The Hand, but you can read that later. Fourteen issues later, Mystique teams up with Wolverine’s arch-nemesis Sabretooth to enact her revenge.
Oh, and not just on Wolverine. Don’t forget about our dapper assassin.
Stories for another time. Now go buy tons of comics. It’s the holiday season, y’know.
Arousing Grammar 