Ultimates vs. Hulk
Posted: 10/11/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentWe’ve had a long week, so let’s end it with a fistfight. No better way to end a comic book week than with a beatdown.
In Ultimates #5, written by Mark Millar and drawn by Bryan Hitch, the Ultimate Marvel universe’s answer to the Avengers, the team of lovable superheroes goes up against a perverted Hulk. It’s been a good eighty articles since I’ve talked about the alternative universe. I hope you don’t mind if I recycle text from my third ever article:
A little backstory is required that hopefully won’t take too long. In the “normal” Marvel universe, it’s unwritten but implied that most of the heroes have been fighting evil for like upwards of fifteen years or more. For instance, Spider-Man is most likely in his late 20s. Iron Man and Captain America are probably around 35. So how does Marvel attract younger readers when all the most popular characters are the same ages as their dads? Well, the company attempted to solve that problem. They created a new “side” universe, called Ultimate Marvel. There, the characters were reintroduced as younger, and their origin stories were re-calibrated for a modern era. Ultimate Spider-Man was the first comic they tried, making Peter Parker a 15-year old kid who gets his powers from a genetically altered spider and works for The Daily Bugle as their webmaster.
Nowadays, Ultimate Marvel is a shell of what it used to be, and they’ve used crossover events to pretty much destroy large sections of the planet and kill off over half the major characters. But we’re going back to the beginning, when the universe still had all its tools in the arsenal.
One-by-one the Ultimates tackle the Hulk in all his insanely powerful glory. First up: Giant Man.
Well, that went badly. Since we’re witnessing the first real struggle against the Hulk, the Ultimates don’t fully know his true levels of strength. They’ll find out very quickly. Plan A, consisting of cupping the Hulk in giant hands, went awry quickly. Underestimation noted; time to tag in one of the heavy hitters. Meet Iron Man.
Iron Man dutifully and goo-ily doing his part. Time to wrap this fight up, and the best way to take care of a monster problem? You can do far worse than Captain America.
He dropped a tank on him. That he was sitting in. The Ultimates rock. Unfortunately 70 tons of metal dropped from an excessive height doesn’t even begin to slow down the Hulk’s rampage. If all else fails, punch him in the face.
Luckily, the Ultimates roster isn’t completely empty. With all the traditional means of beatdown exhausted, only option left is to meet Hulk on a power level equal to his own. Like say, the god of Thunder, Thor.
Correct answer’s yes. But for whatever godforsaken reason, the Hulk still stands. Angrier.
Y’see, we still have one final Ultimate left. And while Wasp’s power to become miniature seems useless against a beast that one-hit KO’d her fifty-foot husband, there’s one (small) advantage to her powers and the final chance to tip the battle in favor of our heroes.
One of the Ultimates will need a bath after this.
The keg of manpower has been tapped. No more juice left in this superhero blender left to take on any remnant of Hulk that remains flailing. Luckily, a knowledge of neurology has prevailed over brute force. Let that be a lesson, children.
A feel good ending if I’ve seen one. Have a great weekend.
Professor X’s Rogue redemption
Posted: 10/10/2012 Filed under: Marvel 3 CommentsRemember a few weeks ago when we found out that Professor X has always secretly been a jerk? He was subtly influencing, controlling, and erasing people’s memories. Not nice at all coming from the man who’s the moral compass of the X-Men. But despite all his mistakes, at least he can make up for one of them.
Today, we’re looking at X-Men Legacy #220-224, written by Mike Carey and drawn by Scott Eaton.
Gambit’s been traveling with the professor for a few issues now. Being one step from hobo, Gambit doesn’t have a busy schedule. So when Rogue disappeared a while ago, Professor X figured he could kill two birds with one stone. And where is she?
In a weird twist, Mystique possesses Rogue’s mind as a motivational figment of her imagination. This arc is strange. Lots of crazy stuff. Like this:
Danger, the actual robotic manifestation of the former X-Men Mansion’s Danger Room and now a powerful supervillain, ambushes poor Rogue while an alien spaceship filled with jolly pirates or something launches a simultaneous attack. Can’t really meditate through this mess.
When Professor X and Gambit arrive in the abandoned desert town, they find their memories come to life. I’m no scientist, but whenever that happens, something’s gone terribly wrong.
Did you know Professor X has hairy knuckles? You learn new things everyday. Also I absolutely adore that Gambit’s in full costume while Xavier’s outfit looks like he didn’t get fully changed after leaving the gym. Plus, he has knee pads for whatever possible reason, though if you just miraculously recovered from paralysis, no harm in putting some extra armor on those beautiful legs.
As you can guess, the story splits. Gambit and Professor X travel through their magical adventure while occasionally the scene shifts back to Rogue and imagination Mystique as they parade around in dangerous memories. First up, let’s get a little through the men’s side.
Y’know those aliens in that alien spaceship? Found them. The rest of the story goes as you expect:
Rogue goes through something rather similar:
Eventually the cause of all those pesky memories punching our heroes is revealed:
A sentient Danger Room filled with a crapload of training scenarios combined with a brewing vengeance can lead to wacky situations. Luckily, the good professor knows how to solve this problem.
Look, flashbacks and reality skewed tends to make me glaze over. As long as stuff doesn’t get super weird, I’ll keep going.
Nevermind, I’m skipping to the end.
So stuff happens. Eventually, those aliens betray our heroes and take down all three superheroes and Danger. Right as the situation becomes its bleakest, Professor X plays his trump card. Turns out being the founder of the X-Men gave him some special privileges, like Danger Room override codes.
Victory! As delightful as a march through the fantasy land can be, that’s not enough for me to write an article about. With Rogue found, Professor X has one final bit of redemption to do. Y’see, to get Rogue to join the X-Men in the first place, Xavier lied and told Rogue he could cure her (that power that drains life from everyone she touches). He could not. He knew he could not. Now with Danger’s help, Professor X found the solution. Only a decade or two of emotional misery later.
Since mutant powers activate during adolescence, if a horrible event (like kissing a boy into a coma) occurred during activation, a psychological barrier could prevent the mutant from complete mastery of his or her powers. Think of it like burying trauma to prevent a psychological breakdown. Well, Professor X believes he can psychically enter her mind and destroy the traumatic barrier that prevents Rogue from fully controlling her powers.
I have to be honest with you; science goes over my head. Too much complicated terminology and biological processes. But I can say without a doubt in my mind, that a hypnosis/therapy combination does not, and will not, ever involve a doctor fighting a knife-wielding supervillain while purple and naked.
I just think the scene would still be just as awesome if Professor X wore underwear. Still, with the fake Mystique purged from Rogue’s psyche, has she overcome her instinctual powers and transformed them into the on-off switch she always dreamed?
Good enough answer, right? Rogue can now touch people with her bare skin with zero life draining. How exciting! Next up, hair dye?
Jailbreak: Winter Soldier
Posted: 10/09/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel Leave a commentActually, Bucky Barnes is still sort of Captain America. The last throes of an obligated dream.
A few years, Captain America was shot and killed lost in time (happens more than you think). Bucky, recently returned from the dead as Winter Soldier, took over the role. Unfortunately, in the past seventy years since World War II, he had been brainwashed as the most dangerous assassin in Mother Russia. So when his secret killings of top American officials and such came to light, he was arrested not only as a former Soviet spy, but also in Russia as a traitor to their country. Russians just don’t appreciate their people becoming the moral and patriotic symbol of their biggest enemy.
We start our arc with Bucky trapped in a Russian gulag in Captain America #616-619, written by Ed Brubaker and drawn by five awesome artists.
You mean to tell me that American prisons don’t have prisoners battle in gladiator fights against superhuman bears? That’s Ursa Major, the Russian superhero I’ve covered in a previous article. And despite any real need for it, the arena battle has a totally reasonable explanation.
Bucky being super famous and all, the Avengers don’t have the diplomatic authority to rescue him and Russian officials can’t just go and have him executed. Politics are tricky, even for those who make their living by punching. So the prison warden has an idea. A mischievous idea.
How about that? Unfortunately, Bucky used to be Captain America, and that dude’s fought Hulks. Versus a bear? That’s park ranger stuff.
Bucky fights like three battles. You can read the book for the rest. But I’d be a horrible commentator if I didn’t show you the mandatory flashback of past crimes compiled in a cool panel page.
See? He did a bunch of awful stuff while brainwashed, the haircut not included. He certainly deserves to be punished, and Bucky wouldn’t mind serving out his time in peace. But you know that can’t happen because you read comic books.
Someone doesn’t respect authority.
Winter Soldier has mastered dozens of martial arts and served four years on the front lines of World War II as a teenager, but he also doesn’t have any superpowers. That metal arm is just that. Still, can’t break that superhero spirit.
Yup, no winning this one. Time for the jailbreak advertised in the title of this article.
The best part of the comic book reader is the complete suspension of disbelief. We have no problem that gods with hammers and giant green rage monsters run around totally scientifically sound in the Marvel universe. When we see a giant Russian with an eye on his forehead that shoots lasers, not one of us will bat an eye. Winter Soldier fights a bald Cyclops supervillain. Sounds good to us.
Some hidden benefits of seventy years of Russian brainwashing? Black Widow being your sexy co-worker, for one. She came from the same program, which teaches espionage, deceit, and sass.
Happy ending! Bucky escapes the gulag to live his life as a fugitive of the law with his rebellious record stricken only in his death. Luckily very soon after this, he gets fake-killed by Sin during Fear Itself. Not a bad way to fake-go.
Therapy with Batman & Nightwing
Posted: 10/08/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 6 CommentsAnother Nightwing post! I promise the last one of the week (I can’t promise that).
Sorry in advance for the huge chunk of back story. Y’see, back in the early 1980s, Dick Grayson grew tired of being Robin, now 17 years-old and no longer a little hatchling. He announced his situation to Batman, who responded with his same emotional vacancy that he normally does, prompting Grayson to quit and don the Nightwing costume. Bruce Wayne and Grayson eventually grew close again, but only after Nightwing firmly established himself as a successful solo superhero.
Unfortunately in 1993, Bane broke Batman’s back and forced the Dark Knight into retirement. Azrael, the insane psychopathic religious zealot, was chosen by Wayne to be his successor. Terrible idea. Azrael (real name Jean Paul Valley) created a mecha-Batman suit, abused Robin, and killed bad guys. Wayne, feeling better after a magical chiropractor, fought Azrael for supremacy and gained back his Batcave and title.
Unfortunately again, Batman’s still feeling a bit woozy from all that former paralysis and needs to take some more time off, allowing Grayson to assume the role for a short while. When Wayne returns and demands his costume back, Grayson’s emotional geyser erupts in anger and frustration. Our story picks up with the final issue of the Prodigal arc in Robin #13, written by the genius Chuck Dixon and drawn by John Cleary and Phil Jimenez.
Oh, the green text boxes are Robin stuff I’ve cut out. He’s busy fighting supervillains.
To be fair to Wayne, he is legitimately stunted emotionally as trauma leftover from the death of his parents. While the Grayson family’s deaths are no less tragic, he’s not consumed in a permanent cloud of guilt and vengeance like his mentor. Plus, it’s been a decade of comics with really zero closure on the ending of their Batman-Robin partnership.
For being the world’s greatest detective, Batman certainly has a hard time detecting hurt feelings. Though despite Nightwing’s verbal sucker punch, Batman’s explanation stands true to his character.
Batman needs therapy. Badly. Instead, he takes out his problems by putting his fist through the faces of bad guys. See it through Batman’s eyes. Every minute Wayne sits on a couch rattling on to a scribbling doctor, another illegal gun is being sold, another helpless man is being beaten, and another supervillain is planning to torch the city. Also, do you know how long it takes to zip-line to Gotham?
C’mon, Batman. Tell Nightwing your true feelings. What does he really mean to you?
And there you go. Grayson, after a decade of feeling neglected, pushed away, and rejected by Wayne, finally hears exactly where he belongs in Batman’s life. Closure granted. Broken heart healed.
And Robin? While the two have their bonding moment, surely he’s not in terrible peril and desperately needs their help, right?
On a final note, you may know that Darkseid killed Batman a few years ago. Well, more like shot Batman’s soul into the depths of space and time, but close enough. Grayson took over the Batman role for real, now completely deserving as the only true successor. And fans loved it. His few years as the Dark Knight alongside Batman’s son Damien as Robin were critically loved and applauded. Plus, he brought a kind of energy to the character that hasn’t been seen since, well, ever.
You see that? A happy Batman.
Jailbreak: Nightwing
Posted: 10/07/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 4 CommentsIt’s the 100th post and to celebrate, we’re going to read my favorite comic book scenario: superheroes breaking out of prison. I adore the idea of superheroes escaping out of somewhere inescapable while surrounded by enemies and inevitably always ending up in gigantic fistfight mob climax. Delightful reading every time.
Since we’ve been sticking with a theme the past few days, let’s continue the Batman event No Man’s Land with a little Nightwing side story (real name Dick Grayson, the original Robin). Y’see, since Batman now has to patrol and protect his lawless anarchic city from the dozen or so crime gangs and supervillains causing trouble, sometimes he needs to outsource a few missions to his buddies. Let’s take a look at Nightwing #35-37, written by Chuck Dixon and drawn by Scott McDaniel.
Someone doesn’t like backtalk. I imagine Batman has the money to buy gas grenades and new bat-mobiles because he cuts cost in manpower, such as sending just one non-superpowered acrobat alone into battle against the most dangerous prison in Gotham.
Even Nightwing can’t disobey Batman. The Dark Knight doesn’t take rejection well. And actually, the prison plan that Nightwing and Oracle come up with is pretty solid. Grayson’ll infiltrate the prison, take the place of the inmate who looks the most like him, and then ambush Lock Up’s crew one-by-one until the prison comes under Nightwing’s command. He gets as far as the second step.
Nightwing’s biggest strength lies not with his brilliant mind (that’s Tim Drake), or his calculated ruthlessness (Jason Todd), but instead with his natural physical gifts. It’s been stated on more than one occasion that Nightwing’s even faster than Batman. Well, like by a fraction, but still faster. Surely he can outrun the rifle of a hollerin’ stereotype.
Oh, KGBeast! The ridiculously outdated USSR relic premiered three years before the fall of the Soviet Union as a master assassin terrorizing Gotham. He even has a cool gun or sword hand, depending on his fancy. Yes, the guy’s intimidating and powerful, but KGBeast’s also been beaten by preteen Robin twice. So, y’know.
Stuck between a Russian behemoth and the fast approaching cowboy twins, Grayson makes a call.
A bad call.
A very bad call.
The prison takeover plan a bust, Nightwing’ll have to improvise. I mean, how bad can it possibly get?
I love comics because of situations like this one, where Nightwing’s now trapped in an impenetrable basement pit with twenty enraged baddies. You and I get to wonder how he’ll get out of this mess, even more so after the villains realize that Batman ain’t coming to rescue them. They get stuck with the former Boy Wonder. What a terribly rude way for Batman to treat all those people he’s given concussions.
Batman’s rogue gallery has some weirdos. Luckily the Dark Knight trains his sidekicks in critical thinking and environment analysis when they’re not doing backflips over crocodile men.
Favorite panel in the entire arc. Nothing like the pure glee of a BDSM supervillain so minor, you can count all of his issue appearances on one hand. With Nightwing’s first plan shattered into pieces, why not go for a double?
Grayson conquered a pit full of murderous supervillains. Can he prevail over Mother Nature next?
We’re speeding towards Grayson’s great escape, because as you’ve probably figured out, Nightwing’s safety depends pretty heavily on the containment of the prisoners. Thugs and supervillains totally have goldfish memory. That or an inability to properly thank the good-looking, athletic, young man who bloodied and shipped them off to the police in the first place.
He totally showed those prisoners. Can you taste the salty fresh air that awaits? The seagulls squawking as they swoop down for their breakfast? Not if a plot twist hat trick can help it.
Definitely the coolest superhero/supervillain suspended by chains in midair fight you’ve ever seen, right? Time to clean up the rest of the trash, and then report back to Batman’s approving scowl.
Y’know, this arc actually leads up to the Ballistic Romance story, where Nightwing meets up with his rejected lover Huntress again while rekindling his relationship with Oracle at the same time as battling a rogue police hit squad. It’s awesome.
I bet Batman makes Alfred sew all the uniforms back together.
Huntress and Scarecrow go to church
Posted: 10/04/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC Leave a commentWhy not another Huntress post? She doesn’t even exist anymore in current DC continuity, the poor girl. Originally, Helena Wayne, the alternative Earth daughter of Batman and Catwoman, took the name Huntress. And when the DC universe rebooted, Helena Wayne popped up again, erasing Helena Bertinelli like next morning’s bad Indian food. Oh well. We still get to celebrate Bertinelli’s previous adventures at least.
Some back story, really fast. In the late 90s, a massive earthquake struck Gotham City, ruining the city so badly that it was declared inhospitable and everyone who didn’t evacuate would be sealed off and left to fend for themselves. The event was called No Man’s Land, and I guess it was DC’s way to have a canonical apocalyptic wasteland for Batman and buddies to run around in. If you haven’t read it, you really should. No Man’s Land, even to this day, is absolutely fantastic, complex, and well-done. Also, it’s like 80 different issues tying in every Batman family title for over a year.
Let sad Batman explain better than I can:
Today, we’re going to take a look at the Fear of Faith arc, which took place in Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #116, Batman: Shadow of the Bat #83, Batman #564, and Detective Comics #731, all four issues written by Devin K. Grayson and drawn by Dale Eaglesham.
With food and water running short and psychopathic supervillains parading around town, most of the remaining citizens spend their time scavaging food or hiding in makeshift shelters. Gangs and Bat family members spray-paint their symbols on the wall, signalling troublemakers that they control or protect the area.
Oh yeah, and one of those citizens is Dr. Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow. You know him. That crazy psychologist who specializes in fear gas while robbing banks and getting roundhouse’d by Batman. Regardless of his past, his intentions remain completely harmless. Well, currently anyway.
When rats eat all the church supplies, Scarecrow pulls a few strings to get some new food. Turns out he knows a guy. Unfortunately, it’s the Penguin.
A deal with the devil! How delightfully ironic! Speaking of which, what’s Batman up to?
Oh, normal stuff. Batman being preoccupied leaves Scarecrow to manipulate churchgoers and Huntress to threaten henchmen to their heart’s content.
Okay, Black Mask’s former gang, the Black Maskers (I’m serious), left to form their own little group. Mikey left the new gang after a change of morality to which Scarecrow begs him to go back to ask for their protection from even eviler thugs. It goes about as you expect.
With the deck rigged, time for Scarecrow to play his cards.
Just because Crane possesses no superpowers doesn’t mean he’s not a superjerk. If you ever wonder why Batman keeps bringing his rogue gallery back to Arkham Asylum time and time again, it’s because most of them are actually insane. Like Scarecrow. And that letter he delivers to Huntress? Stirring up trouble, of course.
Why the weapons reveal? Because Scarecrow’s chips are all in while he bets a blind on a full house. I’m not really good at poker analogies. Think about this for a moment. Why did Scarecrow send Mikey to ask the Black Maskers for help? Certainly because Mikey would get hurt, but more importantly, now the Black Maskers know about the massive, secret weapon stash.
How much death and suffering can one man cause with just rhetoric? Crane intends to find out.
But the stakes aren’t high enough. After all, Scarecrow’s a supervillain. That title takes a reputation years in the making. How about a few more dangerous factors thrown into the mix?
C’mon, Scarecrow. You can do better than that.
Oh, much better. Now we get a pentagram of problems. The churchgoers, Black Maskers, Penguin’s crew, the Gotham City police, and Batman all striking a match on this powder keg with Huntress alone trying to keep down the upcoming slaughter. Not enough crossbow arrows in the world for that, sweetheart.
Unfortunately, Huntress can only sit back and watch the situation cave in on itself. Well, until Gotham’s savior enters the fray to kick his way to peace.
With the chaos outside under control, Huntress can solve the one major problem still left.
If you ever ask me why I enjoy this arc so much, the ending delights me every time I read it. So many stories end with a punch in the face or a giant explosion. Not this one. Huntress, for all her violent and impulsive methods, defeats the Scarecrow using only love. And it’s beautiful.
Despite the potential of the new DC universe, I’m going to miss Bertinelli.
Huntress loves Nightwing
Posted: 10/03/2012 Filed under: DC, Relationships 4 CommentsDid you know there are like twelve Bat people running around Gotham at any one time? I’m surprised criminals can even play poker without a Bat kid bursting in through the window. But despite not having a Bat title, Huntress (real name Helena Bertinelli) became one of the most popular members of the Gotham crimefighters. A mob boss’ daughter, she shunned the lifestyle after witnessing her family’s murder and became a costume vigilante. Happens to the best of us. And you know Nightwing, right? Dick Grayson, the original Robin? Then let’s not delay.
Grayson and Bertinelli totally have some romantic chemistry. We’ll peep into their private lives in the Nightwing & Huntress #1-4 miniseries, written by Zeb Wells and drawn by Greg Land and Bill Sienkiewicz.
Nightwing’s a sort of funny Batman only wearing a super tight Olympic gymnast outfit instead of the cowl and cape. And when the mafia’s involved, Huntress tends to have a personal stake.
Oh, Batman, the grumpy Dark Knight, dislikes Huntress. A lot. Huntress enjoys crossbow arrows through limbs and her attitude’s lukewarm towards murder. Do you enjoy reading characters justifying radically different methods of crime fighting? I sure hope so, because you’re going to get paragraphs full of it in this miniseries.
Personally, I enjoy those little morality talks. Humanizes the character and creates delightful cultural differences beyond the color of their spandex.
Did you know superhero-ing isn’t a game? Now, I always found this odd. Batman’s specifically known for extremely threatening mannerisms. I’m not saying that Nightwing’s a wussy, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility. Though the next scene makes it hard to argue that:
If I had to make an educated guess, I’d bet Nightwing’s in his mid-20s while Huntress hovers closer to almost 30. So good for both of them, I guess. Y’see, superheroes always argue, which builds up super pheromones or something. After they hook up in the moment of passion, the status quo of bitter resentment has to return. Though I do side with Huntress in their insecurity arguments. She just wants to belong to the Bat club, and hasn’t she proven herself by impaling dozens upon dozens of bad guys with crossbow arrows?
Sensing the romantic tension, Nightwing asks about a possible relationship. Dude’s good with batarangs, terrible at social cues.
Finally, we get to the climax of our mafia crime story of which I have shown you none of.
And how does this conflict end? The only way a superhero comic should ever end:
It’d be rude if I wrote an entire article and didn’t include at least punch. I mean, as much as we love Mary Jane, we love Spider-Man socking baddies far more. Anyway, despite Nightwing being socially ruined by living with Batman during his formative teenage years, he figures out that he should probably apologize to Huntress for his dismissive behavior while she poured her philosophical heart out.
A fake goatee is still a better disguise than a pair of glasses.
If you’re wondering about their future, the two never really dated. Pen, company ink, etc. But you know the difference between Nightwing and Batman? Nightwing will at least end his comics on a warm and fuzzy note the way only a guy in a goatee and sunglasses can.
Batman vs. Joker vs. Ra’s al Ghul
Posted: 10/02/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 1 CommentThe immortal Ra’s al Ghul has lived for centuries, yet not once has he achieved his goal of destroying humanity. How disappointing. So when a business just ain’t profiting, time to bring in a consultant.
We follow the adventures of Batman and his two of his dearest supervillains in Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #142-145, written by Chuck Dixon and drawn by Jim Aparo.
Did you guess that not everything’s as it seems? It’s because you’re intuitive. Meet Talia al Ghul, her father’s sidekick and the mother of Batman’s son and current Robin. Trust me, Damian Wayne didn’t turn out how she expected. Of course, when supervillains team up, things always start so pleasantly. I mean, as pleasant as interactions with the Joker gets.
It’s nice to see Ra’s still making friends, even in his late 600s. All his buddies tend to also be ninja assassins hiding in secret lairs in exotic locations around the world. And the detective? Totally already figured out what’s going on. Because he’s the detective.
Enough teasing the readers. What’s the big plan? Why did Ra’s pick Joker? Also, did you know that Joker’s spontaneity and lack of stuff like plans or strategies actually make him a super military genius?
Yes. Ra’s hired Joker for his science skills. Well, that and one more desirable trait:
Before we get on with more psychopathic science talk, let’s check in with Batman. I’m sure he’s handling this potential threat rationally, calmly, and with zero emotional trauma inflicted on any captured bad guys.
Once the plague has been completed, does Ra’s and Joker’s friendship sustain? Oh, you’ve read enough comics to know. You see, when superheroes work together, they get cool space stations and free cafeterias. Supervillains work in swamps. Plus, massive egos and a lack of morals will always result in betrayal. That has to happen, because that’s what evil people do.
I need to give Dixon credit for the next part. Y’see, Batman doesn’t kill the bad guys and will even go out of his way to ensure their safety, but if a bad guy dies around him, he’s not exactly losing sleep over it. But writers can’t just kill off the Joker, right? Well, turns out Dixon does two things at once: gives Batman a reason to resurrect the Joker and a way to do it at the same time.
Look, Batman knows Ra’s has the dangerous pandemic with him and only the Joker knows where he’s gone. Fortunately, Ra’s owns these lovely Lazarus Pits that stomp out your wrinkles, restore your youthful spirit, and oh, revive the dead.
One little side effect of the Lazarus Pit. As you emerge from the goo, you’re temporarily insane. Or if you’re already insane, a few precious moments of sanity.
But I know why you’ve read this far. You want a fight. A sword fight.
I love comics. Action movies in spandex. Also riveting character development, emotional struggles with morality, and budding romantic trials. But mainly the action.
Despite his astronaut costume, the possibility that Joker knows who Alfred is remains a major threat. The dude’s insane, but even he can match a butler riding in a plane to which playboy billionaire he serves. Most likely explanation: Joker doesn’t care. Though he’s not totally apathetic. Especially after one tiny, little detail he forgot.
Punisher: attack of the Jigsaws, Pt. 2
Posted: 10/01/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 1 CommentThe Punisher, thoroughly shocked (physically and mentally), lies at the mercy of the Jigsaws and former tech guy Henry. Will they kill him? Probably. But first, nothing like some scarring emotional torture first.
Not exactly Spider-Man’s rogue gallery. The Green Goblin has never locked up Mary Jane and then seduced her on video while Spider-Man watches. Norman Osborn’s modus operandi involves less intimacy and more throwing women off bridges.
If you’ve forgotten what happened yesterday, let me quickly get you caught up. The two Jigsaws convinced Jigsaw 1’s son Henry to join their cause to kill the Punisher. They also captured Microchip, Castle’s old tech guy and current pain in the butt. Finally, they doused the Punisher’s resurrected wife from being torched and now she wants to kill Castle too. Easy, right?
For all their Saw-esque tendencies, at least the Jigsaws understand the value of entertainment. Well, not entertainment you or I would enjoy.
Loose end #1 tied up. Only four antagonists left versus one angry, vengeful old man. Next up:
Did you know the Punisher’s sort of suicidal? I mean, he ain’t going to purposely bleed out from a gangster’s bullet or anything, but the guy’s been around forever, doesn’t have any loved ones, and totally accepts death as the only eventuality. One could argue that Frank Castle’s soul perished that day in the park with his family and now he’s just killing time until his body catches up. And if he has to go? The target of his beloved wife that he totally and absolutely wronged will do perfectly. Except for one problem.
Now what to do with Henry? Obviously he’s not cut out to be a supervillain. That takes a certain grit that the kindly boy doesn’t possess. Though you know what would further enrage/guilt Castle? Slicing up the only person in his life who currently cares about him would be a great first step.
Why the sudden change in Jigsaw 1’s attitude? Look, the supervillain oozes psychopath, but poor Stuart Clarke forgot the most important detail about defenseless do-gooder Henry.
Finally, Henry rejoined the Punisher’s side and both Fake Maria and Jigsaw 2 died in similarly horrifying ways to how they lived. But you and I both knew it’d end up this way. Batman’s final fight will always be with the Joker, not Harley Quinn.
As last scene of the arc takes place exactly as how every good action movie should do it, Jigsaw brings up a fantastic point. Too bad the Punisher ain’t much of a philosopher.
So the Punisher torched his resurrected family back to death, but Jigsaw took drastic measures to save his. Yet, Jigsaw’s totally the supervillain here. How does Castle justify his vicious actions? Will it be eloquent and deep?
Nope. And as for the explanation? About as verbose as the Punisher normally gets:
The Punisher lives in a black and white world. Hence why he shoots everyone from murderers to drug dealers to thieves equally. Gray area doesn’t exist in his bloody, good vs. evil world.
Y’know, I just thought of something. The Punisher’s mindset came from the burrows of war, fighting in the traumatic trenches of Vietnam. Yet Captain America developed from a similar experience, and he’s quite a firm believer in second chances and the law. Maybe the captain always had to stay in the guidelines of his symbolism and patriotism, while Castle accepted the brutality as he lived the grunt life within the unforgiving and cruel jungles. My theory? Steve Rogers’ personality and moral compass, from the time he popped out of the womb, sided with justice, kindness, and bravery. Castle developed a killer’s desire deep inside him from the beginning of his life, and the Marvel universe should just be glad he decided to take this murderer’s need and continue to use it for good. Like an angrier, blatant Dexter.
Oh, and Jigsaw’s supervillainy? Dude embraces it fully.
How does this rooftop rumble end? Exactly as it should:
Henry hasn’t been seen since this miniseries wrapped up. I’ll assume a happy ending for the kid.
Actually, Henry and Castle’s relationship has a bittersweet ending moment after this that I’m not including. You can read it yourself. My dear readers, satisfied with how everything turned out? I am, and Remender’s run on the Punisher cemented the superhero in my top five favorites after Batman and before Daredevil. Maybe tied with Daredevil.
Okay, no more grudge matches for a while. Tomorrow, we’ll get back to saving humanity from world-threatening catastrophes like superheroes should.
Punisher: attack of the Jigsaws, Pt. 1
Posted: 09/30/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel Leave a commentAs we go into our final arc of this big adventure, I’d be a poor storyteller not to comment on what happened between the Hood’s blood sacrifices and where we currently stand. Y’see, immediately after Friday’s arc ended, Daken (Wolverine’s son) killed the Punisher. Chopped him up into little bits and dumped him in the sewer. Castle’s known for his pain tolerance, but even he can’t survive dismemberment.
Luckily, the monsters living underground pieced the Punisher back together as a Frankenstein monster. Yes, I’m serious. The series even changed its name to Franken-Castle for a while. But he got his real body back, all his limbs are fully attached, and it’s time to wrap up all the loose ends.
Because Castle devoted his life to this mission and doesn’t have all those time-wasters like sleeping, friends, loved ones, brunches, etc. he can get started quickly and fully devoted on tracking the baddies who got away. Enjoy the Punisher: In the Blood #1-5 miniseries, written by Rick Remender and drawn by Roland Boschi and Michele Bertilorenzi.
The Hood, by this point, has been sufficiently humiliated and beaten by the Avengers. Unfortunately, no one but poor Castle cares about Microchip, even if he just plans to murder the guy.
And his current tech guy, Henry? Jigsaw’s illegitimate son? After he gets back from threatening little people, the Punisher and Henry bond a little, if just because Castle needs something to do while he’s packing up his guns.
Seems petty, right? Well, because the Punisher spends most of his time in bushes with sniper rifles and grenade launchers, he gets a lot of time to think. Recently, all those tech guys he worked with have crossed his mind, and most importantly, how terrible their track record is of emotional stability. Fortunately, the Punisher doesn’t have emotions to unstabilize.
Staying in the Punisher’s computer lab certainly would have been better for Henry’s emotions, as comic book families has a problem of causing all sorts of inconveniences/life-altering decisions.
Jigsaw, last seen with his brain splattered all over a SHIELD holding cell, sits alive and rambunctious. What happened? Who’s that other guy? What do they want? Heads up: the Jigsaws are wordy.
And that’s about half of the dialogue. Who’d thought that Jigsaw and Jigsaw 2 would become friends? With Henry safely hidden from the strangling clutches of that bothersome superhero’s (anti-hero’s?) grasp, Castle has to get information the old-fashioned way.
The Jigsaws’ plan involves many horrifying angles. And as hard as Castle searched for Microchip, it’s hard to track him down when he’s in a subterranean basement with his other disgruntled buddies.
Words alone can’t spur the mind of the Punisher. Dude can’t hear you over the sound of explosions and gunfire anyway. Nope, if you really want to mess him up, you have to cash in on his biggest and most paralyzing weakness:
Remember Friday’s article? The Punisher saw his family resurrected by the Hood’s blood magic and immediately torched them along with Microchip’s son. Well, his wife stopped, dropped, and rolled fast enough to make it out, rightfully pissed at her former husband’s actions. This might come back to haunt him. Oh, and if the scarred, enraged dead wife of your arch-nemesis shows up at your doorstep one day, no better way to get back at the Punisher than this:
Jigsaws 1, Punisher 0. His rage overpowering reason, Castle charges into the Jigsaws’ base. Bad idea, especially with two former tech guys running security for that place.
We’re going to stop here for today because I heard that people don’t want to read 1000 words and 36 images all at once. Tomorrow, we get our exciting conclusion, the final fates of our characters, and the fiery rooftop brawl that you’d expect no less from a Punisher story.
Arousing Grammar 