Captain America rallies the troops
Posted: 07/17/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 6 CommentsI don’t know about other countries, but here in the United States, we suffer from a bad case of patriotism. No matter how terrible our decisions, our government, and our schools, America is and always will be a super amazing, incredible country. And no matter how insanely ludicrous that idea is, you’d be hard-pressed to find a citizen who disagrees. To keep up with our ideals against the fiery backdrop of reality, our veins need to be pumped with constant inspiration, courage, and hope. Well, how about having the captain try his hand?
Y’see, I have previously stated my two major opinions about Captain America (Steve Rogers). First, he’s the moral center of the Marvel superhero world that all other superheroes aim to emulate. And second, I don’t think non-comic book fans give Captain America the amount of respect he deserves. If you’re of the latter, I present to you five different speeches in which I hope to change your mind.
Speech 1
Jump into Amazing Spider-Man #537, written by J. Michael Straczynski and drawn by Ron Garney. We’re in the middle of the superhero Civil War, with the good guys split over the government mandated registration of superheroes. Spider-Man, in support of the act, revealed his identity to the world (oops). He goes to Captain America for advice on the crazy backlash that followed.
Did you know Rogers isn’t know for his sense of humor?
As you may have realized, Captain America is the leader (because he’s the leader of everything he joins) of the underground resistance movement, fighting the government and former allies against the heinous law. If you read the issue, he recites a very long Mark Twain quote, but the heart-pounding, fist-raising inspiration is after that:
Sure, he eventually lost the Civil War, but there was no doubt in the readers’ mind that his side was definitely the good guys.
Speech 2
The good captain made his debut as a propaganda tool, that shouldn’t be shocking. He punched and kicked his way through World War II with his personal team: two androids that could light themselves on fire, a flying ab-licious Atlantean, and the surprisingly deadly teenage sidekick. But you saw the movie – he ain’t going to neglect all the normal, vulnerable-to-bullets soldiers. Plus, it gives writers the chance to place him in the biggest battles of the war, like in the Dark Reign: New Nation one-shot, written by Brian Michael Bendis and Jonathan Hickman, and drawn by Stefano Caselli.
Because of an invulnerable shield and high-impact armor?
Oh, that’s why.
The captain isn’t even carrying a gun when he storms Normandy. He’s going to take down the entire Nazi army with his fists. Plus, the bright colors make him a fairly easy target. Yet, he charges full-speed into the fray. Yeah, he’s faster and can jump higher than the other soldiers, but he’s certainly not a god or Hulk. And he fought in all the major battles of the war. Rogers may look Aryan, but no one represents America better than this man.
Speech 3
Let’s do a short one. More of a declaration than a full-blown speech. Back in Captain America #16-17, volume 3, written by Mark Waid and drawn by Andy Kubert, his arch-nemesis (and Nazi) Red Skull, finds the cosmic cube that grants magical wishes or whatever to its beholder. So now the evil skeleton can do this:
Uh oh. Now all his super serum disappeared and he’s back to his tiny 97 pound original body. The same body that was rejected from the army because of illnesses. But c’mon, Captain America can still take on just one superpowered bad guy in this weakened form, right? What other tricks could Red Skull possibly have?
Oh, a dinosaur army. That’s not good. How are you going to save us, Captain?
He uses that strength to kick Nazi butt. Severely. In the famous mini-series The Infinity Gauntlet, cosmic powerhouse Thanos gathers up the infinity gems and becomes an actual god. And the superheroes are wiped out. Finally, only Captain America remains and he stands up to Thanos, not because he stands any sort of chance of victory (he doesn’t), but because someone needs to. Also, it makes the heart fuzzy and brave.
Speech 4
We’re jumping dimensions into the Ultimate universe, where this Captain America tends to be a little rougher around the edges than the normal captain. Here, in Ultimate Nightmare #04, written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Trevor Hairsine, Captain America, Nick Fury, and the X-Men explore an abandoned Soviet Union science lab. Right as we’re about to find out the juiciest of the secrets, a single man blocks the hallway. A crazy man. Oh, he can explain himself:
Now you can’t argue with me that after this, Captain America isn’t a gentleman:
Spoiler alert: Captain America wins. Y’see, Rogers can’t lose, because he’s the symbol of American strength and excellence. Why do you think his rogue gallery is packed with Nazis and Cold War lingerers? Because they were the forces that threatened America as a country. And it’s up to our captain to protect us. All I’m saying is that when Spider-Man fights Electro, the ego and reputation of an entire nation doesn’t hang in the balance.
Speech 5
Our final except today is from Captain America #7, volume 3, again written by Mark Waid and drawn by Andy Kubert and Dale Eaglesham. A shape-shifting Skrull disguised himself as our hero and used his influence to cause a bunch of havoc and destruction. In order to prevent something like that from happening again, Captain America sets the record straight on exactly what his role is in this wonderful country. And I’ve never felt prouder to be an American.
Feels good, right? Because despite all of our problems (and there are a ton), America is held fast in its united belief that anyone from anywhere can come here and make something of themselves, regardless of previous background or experience. And it’s nice to have someone (albeit fictional) watching our backs while we pursue our dreams.
Now if you’re a huge Captain America fan, you must have realized I’ve skipped one of the biggest, grandest, and most influential speeches he has ever said, the incredible and famous What If? #44. I highly recommend you find that issue and read it yourself, but I’m not going to talk about it, because other websites like this and this have covered it far better than I ever would. Go read about it there.
You agree that Captain America is awesome, right? And that he deserves every ounce of respect you can squeeze from your patriotic brow, right? Good, then I can sleep easy tonight.
Poison Ivy’s poisonous orphans
Posted: 07/16/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 1 CommentAs hard as it is to complain about Batman’s rogue gallery (which may be the finest in comics), most of his baddies don’t have any superpowers. They’re mobsters, psychopaths, or clowns, but they aren’t running around flying or throwing cars. Not Poison Ivy. She has superpowers out the wazoo.
Dr. Pamela Isley began a promising career as a botanist until her crazy professor Dr. Jason Woodrue injected her with experimental plant toxins that made her poisonous to the touch and allowed her to control greenery. Thus began her criminal career as an eco-terrorist. And not the sort of terrorist with beards and rocket launchers. Here’s a quick scene from Gotham City Sirens #26:
Yeah, now that’s a supervillain. Which makes it even more impressive when Batman takes her down with kicks and batarangs.
Today, we’re going to follow the story that took place in Batman: Gotham Knights #61-65, written by A.J. Lieberman and drawn by AJ Barrionuevo. Y’see, in order to fully appreciate this article, you have to know a little bit about the major Batman event, No Man’s Land, that took place in 1999 and 2000.
A 7.6 magnitude earthquake hit Gotham, and unfortunately, the city happens to be along a fault line. The damage was so severe that the United States government evacuated and quarantined the city. Anyone who stayed behind would have to live in a crumpled, broken city with no electricity, no water, and no laws. Also, unable to leave. Immediately, the supervillians carved up the city among themselves and thus began a year-long turf battle between the remnants of the Gotham City police department, the Arkham Asylum regulars, and the Bat family. It was an awesome story that took place over 11 different series and 88 total issues. Read it.
But more importantly, Poison Ivy’s portion of the massive event triggers this story in 2005.
I mentioned that back during No Man’s Land, the supervillains each took portions of the city to claim as their own territory during this literal anarchy. Not surprisingly, Poison Ivy grabbest the city’s largest park. A group orphans, their parents killed during the earthquake, sought shelter and safety inside Robinson Park, not knowing Poison Ivy had taken up residence. Instead of wiping the floor with these kids, she became a sort of replacement mother and protector. Unfortunately, she’s also a lunatic supervillain, so it was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened:
And our mystery begins. Who could have driven these kids to suicide? Luckily Poison Ivy is a doctor, so besides using trees to crush apartment buildings, she can also read medical charts.
Mystery solved. Cue a bunch of self-loathing
You know what comic books are naturally really good at? Montages. The panel format works perfectly. And while I’ve been skipping large portions of the story, like her confrontation with Batman, Ivy’s meetings with the supervillain Hush, her battle against one of the orphans, and secret lab experiments from some unnamed bad dudes, I wouldn’t dream of letting you miss this: Poison Ivy doing science.
As you can figure out from the green thought boxes, she’s going to use her brainpower to reverse her condition and just go back to being a hot botanist. Sadly, her science isn’t good enough. So she goes to someone with the financial backing and smarts to help her. Enter Bruce Wayne.
And finally her dream becomes a reality:
Now she can love again. Now she can touch people again. Her life can begin anew without having to commit crimes or worry about saving the environment from evil lumberjacks. Fortunately, a situation would never, ever arise that would require her Poison Ivy powers again. Right? Please?
Yup, turns out that Poison Ivy wasn’t killing them after all. I mean, her spores or whatever could have given them some nasty migraines or boils, but her powers had no fault in the suicides.
Looks like she made a mistake. Will she sacrifice her newly found happiness to save the remaining orphans and avenge those who died? Not if Batman has anything to do with it.
With Batman’s feelings effectively hurt, she can attempt to reverse the process. Except for one tiny problem. Turns out, Bruce Wayne won’t do it, and she has to go the back alley scientists. In this case, Hush. And besides his hokey medicine, she still has to deal with the evil organization that turned the kids into biological weapons. A few pages of struggles:
Problem solved by violence. Remember that, children.
You see those eyes in that last panel? No matter what color her skin, no matter what powers she possesses, she’s always going to be a supervillain. Ain’t no rehabilitation for this woman. That fact alone makes this story terribly tragic, as she’s permanently tied to her destiny as a criminal and terrorist. And while she didn’t chose this path originally, society and jerk professors forced her down the only path she’ll ever be able to walk. Oh, and it gets sadder.
With that, Poison Ivy dies. A poetic ending for a tale of redemption and revenge.
Well, you see the vines growing over the grave? While all plants die in Autumn, they always bloom once more in Spring. Including Poison Ivy – she’s back a few months later. Because who else’s giant man-eating flowers will terrorize the citizens of Gotham?
Daredevil vs. Punisher
Posted: 07/15/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 4 CommentsI love these two characters. The blind ninja and the gun-toting vigilante. Did you know they don’t get along? Well, I mean, the Punisher doesn’t get along with anybody. Plus, he probably smells like gunpowder and sewer mist.
In summary, the Punisher (Frank Castle) plans to kill a bunch of mobsters and Daredevil (Matt Murdock) wants to stop him. Not because Daredevil likes mobsters. Oh, he’s busted in plenty of mafioso skulls in his day. But because he’s a superhero, Murdock has to work his butt off to make sure people don’t die. That’s just part of the job description. Even criminals. So in the Daredevil vs. Punisher miniseries, written and drawn by David Lapham, the two brawl over that whole jail vs. grave debate. Also, don’t you want to see who wins?
Round 1
The Punisher has a mob boss in his sniper sights. His weeks of recon and planning are finally going to pay off. Except for a flying billy club blowing his position. Well, that and the man it belongs to.
Daredevil is a phenomenal fighter. Not only does he get all those heightened senses, but he’s mastered almost dozen martial arts. And frankly, the Punisher can’t compete with that. Sure, Castle has decades of military training and hand-to-hand combat, but a flexible ninja gymnast he’s not.
Though the Punisher does have one combat ability that may be better than any other Marvel street-level superhero. He’s crazy tough. As in his pain tolerance would make a doctor quit the profession: I’m talking a crapload of billy club whacks.
The Punisher ran, so I guess that’s a sort of win for Daredevil? I guess not really.
Round 2
Castle is just trying to go about his business and interrogate a bad guy before killing him. Nothing new. But once again, the hornhead has to interrupt the Punisher’s good time.
Who says the Punisher ain’t a sweetheart? His black and white moral code won’t let him kill people who aren’t criminals. Like Daredevil. But luckily, there’s nothing in his morality that says he can’t beat Daredevil close to that.
Since Murdock happens to be a lawyer in his secret identity (New York State Bar certified and everything), he’s a big fan of using the law to put criminals in jail. Sadly, before either of the two can use their preferred methods of justice, something interrupts their rumble.
Flamethrowers always get in the way of fistfights.
Round 3
This match goes down a little bit differently. The Punisher, instead of getting jumped by Daredevil through an open window or warehouse rafters, sets a trap for Murdock (a van outside a gas station). With the battle on Castle’s terms, will he fare better? Sorta.
Does he make the shot?
Nope, because we still have one more round after this. Politically and morally, I could go in depth to discuss the psychological decision each one makes to deter crime. I’m not. Leave that to the professors and other dudes way smarter than me. Because despite whatever reason gets the two together, they’re both highly-trained, highly-skilled fighters and it’s fun to watch them fight – like UFC with less humping. Plus, whole messageboards are devoted to what-ifs like this.
And now things go badly. I’m not really spoiling anything by telling you that Daredevil’s going to claim victory. But besides physically, can the Punisher also lose mentally? All it takes is bad aim.
Daredevil 1, Punisher 0, Draws 2.
Round 4
Here we go. The climax of the mini-series. Stay seated and buckled in.
Yup, not really a game anymore. Don’t you love moments like these? Neither are holding back and neither are going to stop until the other is, I guess, not able to walk anymore. Oh, and enjoying the light-hearted Punisher commentary? Did you know he doesn’t have any friends?
Right when you think the only winner will be the hospital bill collector, that boy you saw earlier? He’s calling a brief ceasefire. Y’see, I’ve skipped over all the stuff like plot or character development, but turns out the kid’s on the run from mobsters. Who have been scaling the building the entire time the two warriors have been breaking each other’s limbs.
How could I pick a winner when most of their fights have been interrupted? Because the battle’s not just how well one throws a punch (though that’s most of it), but also who does all the clean up. Like the cops. Who favor Daredevil.
Feel good story of the year, right? I claim victory for Daredevil, if only because at the end of the series, he doesn’t end up in jail. Yet. We’ll get to that story one day.
She-Hulk loves Juggernaut
Posted: 07/12/2012 Filed under: Marvel, Relationships 11 CommentsShe doesn’t. I’m lying. But in 2004, hidden deep in Uncanny X-Men #435, this happened:
And this single panel has sparked years of controversy, lots of retcons, and enormous amounts of jokes. I’ll explain in a bit.
Jennifer Walters, also known as She-Hulk, happens to be Bruce Banner’s (the Hulk) cousin. During a mafia-related attack, Walters gets shot and the only compatible blood donor is her big, green cousin. Also, it allowed her to turn into an angry Hulk and thus her adventures began.
Cain Marko, the stepbrother of Professor X, finds a secret temple of the mystical Cyttorak, who gives Marko his Juggernaut powers. He was a lackey of Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil, and not really much of a finely-tuned mind. I’m saying he’s dumb. With his supervillain history, his lack of charm, and his absence of respect in the Marvel universe, you can imagine that readers weren’t too happy with the She-Hulk/Juggernaut one-night stand. Though, it is hilarious.
As for She-Hulk, how does Marvel distinguish her from being just a female Hulk? Mainly, she retains all of her intelligence and self-awareness in her Hulk form, can pretty much transform and back at will, and has a successful career as a lawyer. But most importantly, the timid, unadventurous Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form becomes brave, fun, sexy, powerful, and everything Walters has always wanted to be. Like an overnight celebrity, just with only benefits. And as we see in the genius Dan Slott’s She-Hulk series, she uses her uninhibited, unafraid green figure to let go a little bit.
So with her promiscuity firmly established in the comic book world (and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that), let’s start with a quick few panels from her team up with Wolverine.
The superheroines love Wolverine. I don’t know why. He’s hairy, short, and probably smells terrible. But I guess you can’t deny that rugged masculinity, though he did just spend the previous page plummeting through a yeti’s chest. Except Wolverine ain’t having any of She-Hulk’s advances.
Which creates a running joke throughout her series and among the fans. So much so that a silly four page mini at the back of She-Hulk #25 had her break the fourth wall by barging into the Marvel offices about the Juggernaut claim.
Look, every woman has that one person they regret sleeping with, I know because I’ve been to college. But comic books are a creative business, aimed at retaining old fans and courting new ones. When writers make unpopular decisions, the company has to create stories that return the status quo or eliminate the decision entirely. Or simply leave it in and the readers will deal.
When Spider-Man and Mary Jane sacrificed their marriage to the devil (seriously), it was with the belief at giving the newly single Peter Parker a dating life would give writers more story options. As you can imagine, this decision was crazily unpopular. And yes, Peter Parker will one day marry Mary Jane again, because they’re meant to be. But despite fan outcries, Spider-Man is still single, and I think it turned out to be a wonderful choice. Plus, we can watch the two fall in love again. Eventually. While She-Hulk shacking up with Juggernaut isn’t anywhere near life-changing, the writers have it in their arsenal. And Dan Slott used the love incident perfectly for delightful comic effect.
It was brought up for story purposes:
And it was brought up for breaks in action:
In a world where the only limit is the imagination of the writer and artist, how does She-Hulk prove she didn’t sleep with Juggernaut? Did you say Walters should be transported to an alternative dimension to talk to an alternative She-Hulk? You’re absolutely right.
Y’see, this She-Hulk slept with Juggernaut, not the She-Hulk we know and love. But a She-Hulk definitely slept with the Juggernaut. And you know why this is an okay story device? Because it’s entertaining, and comic books are first and foremost entertainment.
We wrap this up with a happy ending for everybody!
Well, maybe not everybody:
Harley Quinn visits the folks
Posted: 07/11/2012 Filed under: Characters, DC 6 CommentsIn the past 25 years, you’d be hard-pressed to find a brand new comic book character more popular than Harley Quinn (well, maybe Deadpool). She first premiered in the Batman: The Animated Series in the 1992 episode “Joker’s Favor,” written by the wonderful Paul Dini. A year later, she got her initial comic book appearance and she was officially a part of the Batman universe. A lovely success story for the Joker’s girlfriend.
Real fast: Dr. Harleen Quinzel, a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum requests to interview the Joker. She falls in love, becomes his second-in-command, and they share an abusive, roller-coaster relationship. But unlike so many origin stories, hers isn’t tragic, which means she gets to go do cool things such as visit parents and have family dinners. Like in Gotham City Sirens #7, also written by Paul Dini. She’s his creation, after all.
Oh yeah, her secret identity isn’t exactly hidden. She’s a recognizable celebrity in Gotham, both in clown makeup and not. Imagine the stress on her poor parents, knowing her successful doctor daughter now rides around in spandex with a giant hammer and a partner who’s mostly plant. But everyone changes careers once or twice, right? So now she’s a supervillain. It pays far better, has more excitement, and probably saved her life, as the life expectancy for Arkham Asylum employees tends to be on the horrifically low side.
And despite frequent stays in the loony bin, dozens of fistfights lost, and a boyfriend who beats her more than Batman does, at least she’s doing something with her life. If only the rest of her family had that amount of dedication.
Anger and frustration are a common theme. Also, did you know Harley Quinn has superpowers? During No Man’s Land, the major Batman event that took place in 1999, she became buddies with Poison Ivy, who gave her a potion. They’re still totally best friends, and several comics have been devoted solely to their wacky adventures together.
But anyway, the concoction gave her super strength, super agility, and immunity to most poisons, including Joker’s laughing gas. Truthfully, I can’t really find any definite answers to the extent of her powers, but she isn’t bench pressing minivans or back flipping over buildings. If I had to guess, she’s probably twice or three times as strong and fast as the Dark Knight. But he always wins anyway – decades of ninja skills and martial arts training and whatnot. Plus, she’s kind of a ditz.
And now watch our dear Harley get berated the way only a mother can:
You sensing something deeper going on? Harley’s mother, the poor soul, has been supporting and providing for a family that has done nothing with their lives (brother, father) or ruined theirs (Harley). How much disappointment can one person take? But don’t worry, because underneath that lovesick supervillain exterior lies a empathetic, loving daughter. Somewhere. Her history hasn’t been a good indicator of that.
And we haven’t met the father yet, have we? You don’t have to hold your breath on where he is, you can probably figure it out on your own.
See? Her dad’s a sociopath. Considering Harley’s upbringing, we should just be shocked she made it all the way to medical school. The crappy family life usually associates itself with the villain motif. Rarely does a superhero have parents that are jerks.
In summary, Harley’s father is a terrible person.
A very terrible person.
Luckily, she has dear friends back in Gotham. Like Poison Ivy. And Catwoman, who is for some reason wearing a bowtie in this issue. Y’see, while her home visit may not have been enjoyable, you can’t say Harley hates being a supervillain. If you ignore the whole thing where she hurts innocent people and supports a mad man’s attacks on the city, it should bring a single tear to your eye that Harley has found the American dream: a job she truly loves.
Namor and fish politics
Posted: 07/10/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsDo you know about Namor the Sub-Mariner? I hope so. He’s one of my favorite characters, despite (or maybe because) his superhero costume looking like this most of the time:
No, he’s not European. That man’s the proud superhero king of Atlantis, that legendary underwater kingdom we all assume Amelia Earhart and Ernest Hemingway secretly live. Let’s go over a brief background for the buff merman.
Namor has been around for a while. Not just in comics (1939), but also in the Marvel universe, where he fought alongside Captain America in WWII as part of the Invaders superhero team. He also has the distinction of being the first mutant. Yup, before Cyclops and Professor X and all that jazz. Y’see, besides super strength, super speed, super durability, and underwater breathing he inherited from being half-Atlantean (his father was a ship captain), he can also fly. Which has nothing to do with Atlantean DNA. So how do you explain that superpower? Well, since he didn’t get into an industrial accident or have a mad scientist experiment on him, Marvel decided to retcon him into a mutant. It’s all good though, because now he can join the X-Men.
Most importantly, Namor is terribly confident, with an arrogance equal to other Marvel dictators. The killer abs certainly help. And in the Sub-Mariner miniseries, written by Mark Cherniss and Peter Johnson, his threats, cockiness, and fighting prowess really get to show off. Our article today examines Namor yelling at weaklings. And it’s awesome.
The story begins with some political issues. Not for long, though.
Turns out on the surface world, a group of Atlantean terrorists blew up a parade. Namor gets to figure out what’s going on. First stop, the supervillain Nitro.
Oh well. And since none of his loyal subjects are brave enough to solve this mystery, it’s up to the royal detective. Of which Namor is only one of those things.
I did mention political issues, right? One of the benefits of Namor stories is you get to add the kingly drama that made Game of Thrones such a hit. Just with blue sea dudes. Sure, Namor is the strongest and most powerful of the Atlanteans (hybrid DNA, y’know), but it’s not going to stop usurpers from living out their power-hungry dreams.
Spider-Man he’s not. Because Namor ain’t American, he doesn’t have to follow all those pesky laws that prevent him from maiming rebellious fish people. Unfortunately, that also makes him a threat to United States homeland defense when Atlantean terrorists blow up the homeland.
Despite all his fist-shaking, Namor is a superhero, not a villain. He’ll do sneaky, morally objectionable things, but Al Qaeda he’s not. So now he gets to go on a field trip to stop a radical fringe group of his own people so Atlantis isn’t foreign threat #1. Unfortunately, stuff like this keeps happening:
And this:
A constant theme you’ll come to realize is Namor’s buddies not acting all buddy-buddy. Luckily for us, Namor has little control over his ego-laden temper. He also gets a rough refusal from his supercrush the Invisible Woman. But you have to read the miniseries for that scene.
Also, what comic would this be if he doesn’t run into a major supervillain? A terrible one, that’s what.
How could you not like Namor after this fight? I’m not exaggerating when I say Namor’s one of the heaviest hitters in the Marvel universe. His strength is about equal to The Thing. He has over 80 years of combat experience. Oh, and he commands one of the strongest armies in the world. Don’t mess with Atlantis.
I’m skipping around, as you can tell, but he does finally meet up with the terrorist faction. Led by his estranged son. Where he beats the crap out of all of them.
With that situation wrapped up, our hero can go back to the delicious salmon and sea bass in underwater palace. Well, except for one little problem. A total rebellion sparked during his time away. How do you stop the conflict and regain control of your throne? By being majorly scary, that’s how.
Oh, and that hair’s breadth from a full-out war with the surface stemmed from the terrorist attack? Well, Namor’s going to kill two birds with one stone. First with a revolutionary idea:
And then with a chilling speech:
Politics ain’t easy, but thank goodness for leaders with rock solid ideals and abs who can make the tough decisions to spare his people. Now he can go back to seducing Cyclops’ girlfriend.
Robin vs. the Joker
Posted: 07/09/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights Leave a commentNo, not that Robin versus the Joker story. I’m sticking with Tim Drake. And I know we just did a Tim Drake article a few days ago, but you’ll get over it.
Y’see, Dick Grayson, the first Robin, had an athleticism and acrobatic skill that normal children don’t have. Part of the benefit of being circus folk. The second Robin, Jason Todd, did not possess the physical talents his predecessor had, and he was killed by the Joker with a crowbar back in 1989. But Tim Drake ain’t an athletic dynamo either. He was just a smart kid who forced himself into the Bat family. And that makes him the closest any child reading these comics in their damp basement has to putting themselves in the stories. Any 14 year old could be Robin if Drake can do it, right? Especially Drake, because they let him wear pants.
While I like to stick to comics from the past decade or so, we’re going back to 1991. Batman’s out of town foiling some international drug ring or magician riot or whatever. Robin has to patrol the city by himself for the first time. Unfortunately, Joker escaped Arkham and Drake needs to stop Batman’s most dangerous enemy without any backup or help. Will his training and skills be enough? It’s a cool premise for a story. In Robin II: The Joker’s Wild! miniseries, written by Chuck Dixon, we get to see Drake really come into his own as a detective. But we’re going to concentrate on the fistfights.
Round 1
See? His brainy side is kicking in. Something’s off, right? Because otherwise it’d be a terrible story.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention. This is the first time the two have met. When a new Robin with a much cooler costume breaks your window, you’re going to be a bit shocked. And probably angry, I mean, all that murder meant nothing now.
First round goes to the Joker. We’ll just consider this a warm up. You get it? Because it’s the middle of winter. I apologize.
Round 2
This fight is even shorter, but at least Drake lands a hit this time.
The Joker’s a jerk, but you can’t deny his logical conclusions. Mostly because he saw Todd explode with his own eyes after a crowbar massacre. And if the previous Robin died fighting the Joker, well, this battle gets to be Drake’s ultimate test to see if he can truly handle being successor. It’s poetic.
So he’s not doing so hot against this mighty foe. Don’t worry, because the next round he gets to use his brain, which still probably works after getting caned in the head.
Round 3
One benefit of just hitting puberty is you’re a fantastic gamer. And the Joker spends most of his time building giant typewriters or fixing abandoned amusement parks or something. Drake’s got this.
I know the game isn’t exactly Mario, but at least he’s not outside in the snow falling off trucks.
Oops.
Now his smarts are offline too. Drake’s zero for three, but all that matters is the knockout. Ideally. You know who’s not comfortable with how Joker’s capture is going? Batman’s best non-butler friend.
Round 4
The final battle! Can Robin take out all of Joker’s goons and apprehend the supervillain? Probably not, but he’s sure going to try. First, Robin sets up a trap for the Joker. The clown prince falls for it. Next stop: kick town.
While “R” batarangs aren’t terribly aerodynamic, we can’t forget that despite all his failures (see previous three rounds), he has been personally trained by Batman. Who’s very good at his job. Plus, you see that smile two panels up? Most likely not faking it.
I’m not sure how fast snowmobiles go, but they must go faster than leisurely ice skating. Though it’s hard not to admire the Joker for keeping a positive outlook despite his big exciting plan being ruined.
The Joker’s wading in sewage! Because he’s a big stinky loser. You can see why I’m an English major. And stories like this one made Drake so beloved among Batman fans. He’s skilled but not cocky. He’s intelligent but not overbearingly so. Every little Jimmy in their parents’ basement felt as if they could totally become Robin just as Drake became Robin, because Drake acted like they would. The kids get to live out their fantasies through the hours spent reading. Until they discovered girls, then comic books took a backseat for a while.
Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.
Iron Man: Orator
Posted: 07/08/2012 Filed under: Characters, Marvel 2 CommentsTony Stark’s flamboyant personality makes him the natural spokesman of well, everything. Sure, Captain America knows how to make the riveting pre-battle speeches, but who speaks for superheroes when they’re at a press conference or plain ol’ meeting? That’s where Iron Man flies in.
Let’s take a look at three Stark speeches, two from Avengers Disassembled (written by Brian Michael Bendis) and one from World War Hulk (written by Greg Pak). Get ready for a ton of word bubbles. Oh, and a bunch of spoilers.
Iron Man dissolves the Avengers
So after a whole bunch of awful stuff happening within the span of a few issues (Avengers dying, mansions blowing up, jets crashing, etc.), the Avengers decide to disband. I’m sad also.
The man has to take care of business first. But why is he distancing himself from the armor? That’s the second speech. Though he should probably just wear a suit in case one of the paparazzi has x-ray vision or whatever. You never know in a world with superpowers.
I already told you this is the speech that Iron Man dissolves the Avengers, but this is the first time these characters have heard about this. And not happy either. You know, the whole continue despite setbacks thing they seem to be fond of.
Y’see, Captain America, the Falcon, Wonder Man, etc., they get their paychecks through the whole Avengers program. They wake up, beat up some supervillains, go to sleep that night. Rinse and repeat. But Stark still runs his company, despite pouring billions into the Avengers. So all those CEO responsibilities, those thousands of employees, those duties he can’t delegate to Pepper Pots: he has to spend most of his day dealing with that.
You can shed a tear or two. Though the Avengers come back the next month. Just a poorer team. Still, this is a bummer. Want to see a crazy Tony Stark?
Iron Man goes crazy
Did you know Iron Man used to be Secretary of Defense? Of the United States? Took a combination of repulsor rays and political savvy to secure that position. That means he gets to make a big fancy speech in front of the United Nations. Unfortunately, this is during the Avengers Disassembled arc, so it doesn’t go well.
Yeah, he’s good right? Sure, he’s wearing bright red and yellow armor, but his gravitas and professionalism certainly make up for it.
Sweating is the universal sign that something bad is about to happen. I promise you air conditioning is at full blast – important people are sitting there. Y’see, Iron Man used to be a drunk. Well, I mean, he’s always going to be an alcoholic, but he no longer drinks. Which means this next outburst makes absolutely no logical sense.
Probably don’t need to mention he’s no longer Secretary of Defense after this debacle. The peacekeeping organization doesn’t look too kindly on threatening to blast other delegates. What causes him to act this way? I don’t want to spoil anything too much, but reality warping superpowers can do crazy things. Like getting Stark all pseudo-drunk.
Okay, so Hank Pym (Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Yellow Jacket, etc.) did backhand his wife in a super famous comic from 1981. And comic book fans have never forgiven the character, no matter how much good he has done since then. I mean, Pym’s one of the original Avengers – he even joined before Captain America did. But this one panel still taints Pym 21 years later. Though it’s kind of funny for Iron Man to bring it up randomly. Especially since Pym wasn’t getting outta his nose, man.
But all we’ve seen so far has Stark being the bearer of sad news and being a raving lunatic. What about the heroic, inspiring Iron Man we know and love?
Iron Man fights for humanity
I’ve covered World War Hulk in a previous post. After Hulk’s army takes out Black Bolt and the moon, he makes a space proclamation: evacuate New York City and hand over the rest of the Illuminati (which includes Iron Man). Big surprise, the government doesn’t listen. Especially Stark, who’s the current Director of SHIELD (aka Nick Fury). Luckily, Iron Man has a bijillion dollars, and he puts together the toughest, strongest, meanest armor he has ever made. The Hulkbuster. But not while explaining what’s going on the American people. And it’s beautiful.
Y’see, this is the man taking responsibility for his actions that caused the current situation. And not an apology either. Give him a cigar to smoke on and he’d be the manliest man in the country.
Yay for Iron Man! Saving the world one punch at a time. Remember last week when I talked about Iron Man’s battle strategy? He’s never been the most powerful hero, despite wearing a billion dollar suit. He has limits that say, Hulk, doesn’t have. So how does he win most of the time? Because he’s way smarter than everyone he fights. Stark’s a tech genius and comic book technology’s only limitation is whatever the writer desires. Which means Iron Man can do stuff like this:
And that:
Explosions don’t stop the Hulk. Really, nothing does. But now that the speech is wrapping up, we get an inside glimpse into Iron Man’s inner thought process. And it should make you cry, because you’re a person with feelings.
Unfortunately, this is from World War Hulk #1, so Iron Man ain’t coming out on top. But valiant effort, right? I’m proud of him too.
The Avengers fight Nazi mechs
Posted: 07/05/2012 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 5 CommentsHey, did you know last year, the Avengers fought an army of Nazis mechs? I’m serious.
It’s scary stuff. And more importantly, a delightful part of the Fear Itself event, the main series written by Matt Fraction. It’s kind of a complicated mess, so let me explain briefly.
You know Red Skull? Captain America’s main baddie? Hitler’s right hand man? Well, he’s dead. His daughter, Sin (who also has a skull face), found a magical Thor-esque hammer and used it to call forth Serpent, some evil Thor legend. Sin gathers up a Nazi mech army she just had lying around and plans to conquer Washington DC and New York City. Thus starts Fear Itself.
I have two purposes here today. I want to show you cool pictures of the Avengers fighting Nazis, because what sensible person wouldn’t want to see that? And also, when fighting an evil Thor Nazi army, you’re going to need a leader for the good guys. A strong, passionate, respected leader. Patriotic wouldn’t hurt. First though, let’s see some fighting.
The fight began in the DC, as you can see from the Capitol Building exploding. I’m always surprised at how many Nazis still run around in the Marvel universe. Sin didn’t break out all the Aryan Brotherhood members from prison. Nope, these are just your normal everyday Nazi mech pilots running around. Who will save Obama?
While that’s totally a real kung fu guy, that Captain America is not the same captain who commanded the Hulk in the movies. That’s Bucky Barnes, Cap’s sidekick from WWII turned Russian super spy turned vigilante turned new Captain America. His team doesn’t do so well, since none of them have superpower to destroy giant robots. Also, Bucky gets killed. Hammer through the chest. But don’t shed any tears, because no one stays dead for long (he’s already back).
Now the fight moves to New York, where half the superhero community lives. And we get to see lots of cool dramatic pictures of superhero posing while explosions rock the background.
That’s Daredevil. He totally takes out all of those, because you don’t mess with Daredevil.
I could end the article right here and I’d be 100% satisfied. I love comics.
But as strong as the Avengers are (very), they’re lacking the coordination and leadership that will bring about their victory. If only a man would parachute into the fray to inspire hope for the weary troops. Who could stop our heroes now?
Except for the giant evil hammer-wielding supervillains, I guess. A Red Skull offspring is still a Red Skull. Don’t you get that twinge of excitement when your favorite heroes go up against their most well-known and dangerous villains? What about when their villains now have Thor powers? We love when superheroes go shopping or play cards, but nothing gets the juices flowing more than punching. And the more significant the baddie who gets punched, the faster the juices flow. In a non-dirty way.
So the fight’s not going well. He’ll persevere, even when Sin’s boss shows up. Like watch this move:
Oh, never mind. That’s bad. Someone doesn’t want to play.
But the Avengers pull off a win. Yes, the city is ruined. Yes, Avengers tower collapsed. And it’s less of a win as much as the fight shifts to Oklahoma, where Asgard resides. Y’see, the Serpent, who commands all the evil hammer monsters, is less focused on conquering the world as much as taking down Odin, Thor, and all the Nordic gods. But Odin and his army ain’t fighting. And you know who it pisses off? You’re absolutely right: Captain America. Especially when Thor got his butt kicked back in New York. He fought well, but as strong as Thor is, he has a bit of trouble taking down a possessed Hulk and Thing. At the same time. Both with Thor powers. A+ for effort though.
Odin refuses, because he’s an old-fashioned jerk. Not going to stop the captain. He doesn’t need an army or shield or hope. That man fought in every major battle in WWII and a Nazi mech army with hammers isn’t going to be enough to take him down. Maybe.
And that’s where issue six of seven ends. And this is what begins the final issue:
Many non-comic book readers don’t give Captain America enough credit. He’s not as fast or strong as the other Avengers, but none of the others would single-handed fight an entire army of gods. With just bullets. Well, Wolverine probably would, but he’s not there. And because conflicts thrive on last minute saves, the Avengers finally show up. With cool new weapons.
But what about poor Captain America? He lost his shield and in the comic book world, a hunting rifle can’t compete with a magic battleaxe. Even Thor gets an awesome suit of armor and mystical sword. It’s all good, because turns out the thunder god has an extra weapon lying around. Y’know, the one with the engraving, “Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”
Do the superheroes win? Yes, of course they do because we’re post-Heroic Age. But read Fear Itself and tie-ins. The fight scenes are wonderful, the conflicts huge, and the characters emotional. You deserve it.
Red Robin strikes again
Posted: 07/04/2012 Filed under: DC, Fights 3 CommentsDo you ever wonder how Batman has lived as long as he has? The man has fought in huge battles, challenging foes far stronger and faster than he, and yet he comes out victorious every time. He has a bunch of gadgets on his belt, but realistically, how could he survive all those fights? Besides writers’ whims and incredible luck (also a fictional character), it comes down to Batman’s training. We’re going to look at an example of that through the eyes of Tim Drake, the third Robin.
Batman educated a lot of Robins. Dick Grayson grew up as an acrobat in the circus, possessing a natural athleticism and talent for combat. Jason Todd spent most his life on the streets, learning to survive in an unwelcome and hostile environment. Damian Wayne served his entire childhood training with the League of Assassins. But what about Drake? He grew up in a well-adjusted home with both parents alive, never needing any of the skills the other Robins picked up at an early age. So what made him such a great candidate for Robin? Well, he’s quite possibly the greatest detective and strategist in the entire Bat family.
Fighting skills he can pick up by working with Batman and others. But despite having no superpowers and only being 17 years old, his intelligence makes him one of the toughest opponents in the DC universe. Proof provided in Red Robin #8, written by Christopher Yost.
Drake, now known as Red Robin, has himself in a bit of a predicament. Seven highly trained, deadly assassins from the Council of Spiders have surrounded Drake. And that girl? That’s Tam Fox, a scared, normal civilian he needs to protect. How’s he going to win? Being a strategic mastermind, that’s how.
The opponents are sized up, our main characters have wet themselves, and our fight begins. Seven superpowered killers versus one teenager with a bo staff.
My opinion on the rumble odds means very little. I don’t get into a lot of fights. But you know who does? Ra’s al Ghul, the leader of the League of Assassins and rude supervillain. If you can get past his terrible facial hair, he has hundreds of years of combat experience. What do you think, Ra’s?
See? And if you’ve learned anything about supervillains, you know they usually aren’t big on compliments. Gloating, yes, but not praise. Want to see Red Robin win the fight? Want to see why Batman and his proteges take down so many baddies?
Not bad for a senior in high school, right? Not even half a minute in, he can get the girl to safety and then solely focus on incapacitating the rest of the assassins. Hey, do you remember when a superhero comic went well and the mission was completed without any problems or new situations? I don’t either. From a literary standpoint, it shows the protagonist’s ongoing struggle with forces beyond his control. From a comic book standpoint, it makes the story awesome.
Oh, forgot to mention he does have a few allies running around. Though he really could have used them 23 seconds earlier. Finally, there’s two assassins left. Yes, they’re among the toughest in the world, but I’ve played Batman: Arkham City. The Bat family’s taking on twenty henchmen at once. Certainly Red Robin can handle the two remaining supervillains.
I mean, one remaining supervillain. Though now our hero has to fight the boss lady. The one in that revealing formal tribal wear or whatever that outfit is called. She possesses a cool superpower where if she touches bare skin, that person’s dead. Honestly, that power’s way better than the six arms or giant spider body her teammates have.
Enjoy the final battle. We have Red Robin, who’s been fighting crime at Batman’s side since he was nine, versus the Wanderer, making her first comic book appearance ever in this series. And if anyone is going to kill Drake, it’s going to a major bad guy, not this woman in a WWE costume who doesn’t even wear shoes. But it’ll be close.
Feels good, right? And this is Drake after only eight years of training. Imagine how quickly and efficiently Batman, with fifteen to twenty years under his belt, could have taken down these losers? That’s why Bruce Wayne holds his own fighting alien invaders alongside Green Lanterns and Men of Steel. Though for your sake, Batman, you have exceeded all expectations in your combat training. You’re done. Take a break and let’s work on not being so grumpy.
Arousing Grammar 