Hercules vs. Ares
Posted: 04/04/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 7 CommentsI adore Marvel’s take on Hercules. If you don’t, you’re wrong. Luckily for those who don’t enjoy mountains of paragraphs of back story, I’ve covered Hercules more extensively (and sexily) in a previous article. Basically, Marvel took an extremely well-known figure from literature, stayed true to his character while embracing his mythological personality, and then collected profit. I assume. Like any good superhero, Hercules even has an arch-nemesis: his brother Ares. If Marvel plans to open the Greek god floodgate, they might as well invite the whole gang.
If you’re unfamiliar with Hercules, these two pages should sum him up:
Today, we follow Hercules and his battles against Ares in Incredible Hercules #112-115, written by Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente and drawn by Khoi Pham. After the Marvel event World War Hulk, the Incredible Hulk series changed its name to suit its new protagonist. Amadeus Cho, the seventh smartest person in the world, joined Hercules as his sidekick/partner. Because the two of them helped Hulk almost destroy New York City, SHIELD wants to take them in. Accomplice to a crime is still a crime.
Meet Ares, a Greek god supervillain disguised as a hero working for the American government to bring in fake supervillains. That’s actually a pretty good summary of comic plots in general.
See? They really don’t like each other. Thousands of years of boiling rage will do that.
Now begins a life on the run. Unfortunately for our heroes, three Avengers assign themselves for taking-down-Hercules duty.
I like that a god of war updates his weaponry every few centuries. Axes are cool, but bazookas are cooler. You know Black Widow by now and the dapper man on the left is Simon Williams (Wonder Man). Think of him as a good-looking Superman-esque character. More importantly, how does one take down an actual god? Guns and face kicks won’t be enough.
Round 1 begins: Wonder Man vs. Hercules.
Supervillains tend to lie, especially those masquerading as superheroes. My goodness, if we just cataloged every lie Norman Osborn told during his time as the government head honcho during Dark Reign, that would take hundreds of pages alone. Luckily, Ares has thousands of years of experience, and he knows the best way to keep Hercules from making right, sensible choices.
What does hydra blood bullets do you ask? This:
And Wonder Man?
Now a crazy Hercules roams the city. Y’see, Hercules being as old as he is, a lot of demons, skeletons, and bad memories pop up at inopportune times. The man has had his fair share of regrets throughout the millenniums. Also, it looks bad for SHIELD when their target flails shirtless screaming at imaginary friends.
Ares could stop him, but sadly his powers don’t include wings or a jet pack.
Maybe this problem just needs a woman’s touch. And a grenade launcher. Both of those, probably.
Here’s the beauty of Hercules. He spent the last few hours in a crazed daze and Black Widow just mercilessly blew him up. As the man strolls from the blaze, what does he make by the fourth panel? That’s right, a sex joke.
As the story comes to its climax (and you can tell that I skipped tons of stuff), Hercules and Amadeus hijack a battleship filled with weapons of both the explosive and biological kind.
Round 2. Wondering where Ares came from? Teleportation devices are more of DC’s thing. Think Dukes of Hazard in a cute pink convertible.
If you’re keeping track of stats, both opponents pretty much equal each other. Super strength, super durability, etc. Now, it’s possible to kill Hercules, just like Thor can die. While punching really hard may not be the easiest way to murder an Olympian, Ares can’t call forth laser vision or tornadoes or anything. The guy only has brute strength and a battleaxe.
Eventually, the two have that arch-nemesis conversation required for good stories.
By the way, Ares hasn’t said one lie yet. Hercules is a murderer, a thief, an adulterer, a drunkard, and a fool. I mean, proof of his mistakes fills every middle school literature book. Y’see, this is the first arc of Incredible Hercules and the writers have to answer the most important question of a new story: why should readers care enough to follow this murdering, cheating, drunken oaf’s adventures?
As readers, we enjoy Hercules because of his flaws. Also, his unapologetic masculinity, enthusiastic confidence, undeniable charisma, and Hulk-level strength. But mainly the flaws.
Go pick up the rest of Incredible Hercules. Athena joins the group at the end of the arc, and the goddess of wisdom looks exactly as you expect:
Glasses and owls make anyone look like a genius.
Booster Gold vs. Doomsday
Posted: 03/17/2013 Filed under: DC, Fights 1 CommentI like Booster Gold, in as much as he’s a jerk turning into a hero story. Premiering in 1986, Michael Jon Carter (living in the 25th century) starred on the Gotham University football team until his father convinced him to throw games. Exposed and ashamed, Carter used a time machine to go back to the 20th century. There, with his advanced technology and knowledge of the future, he exploited the crap out of the situation and become super famous and successful. Luckily, over time his jerk-itude faded and he excelled as a delightful and useful addition of the Justice League. Here’s a more in depth summary from Booster Gold #1, volume 2, written by Geoff Johns & Jeff Katz and drawn by Dan Jurgens & Norm Rapmund. Click the picture for the full-sized version.
And Doomsday? You know Doomsday — he killed Superman:
That’s from Superman #75, volume 2, written by Jurgens and drawn by Brett Breeding. Regardless of how you feel about the whole Superman dying thing, Do0msday’s relevance as a supervillain, whatever, you can’t deny Doomsday’s crazy powerful. I mean, he punched Superman to death. And you know who also knows all this? Booster Gold, who fought him a month before the issue above in Justice League of America #69, written by Jurgens and drawn by Rick Burchett:
Mismatched opponents, certainly. Today, we jump ahead to the very beginning of DC’s Flashpoint event — the event that reset the entire DC universe when it ended. Basically, the Flash’s arch-nemesis Reverse-Flash (actual supervillain name) tried to go back in time, messed some things up, and the entire present changed. How sad. But because of all that time traveling Booster Gold did to exploit the past, he just sort of got thrown in the new universe instead of being “tweaked.” In Booster Gold #44-47, written by Jurgens and drawn by Rapmund, Ig Guara, Don Ho, Rick Leonardi, and Jurgens himself, our hero awakens to one serious problem. Starts with D and ends with -oomsday.
The first bout goes about as you expect when Superman’s killer fights a dude who can shoot lasers.
Oh yeah, so the government found a way to control the monster with that nifty helmet. Think of Doomsday as a remote controlled tank, just completely unbeatable. More importantly, what sort of superhero story would this be without a civilian to save? That’s what makes superheroes superheroic.
Fun fact: Booster Gold actually gave Doomsday his name when describing the beast to Superman. It won’t be a Jeopardy question, but it can give you a one-time answer if someone ever asks, “Why should I care about Booster Gold?”
Round two begins, but this time with more conviction.
That’s full strength. Booster Gold unleashes his strongest, deadliest blast — the one saved for final stand stuff — to put down this beast once and for all. Doomsday suffers the future’s most lethal attack. The end.
Or not. Y’see, Doomsday prime objective still remains to slaughter Superman. Except no Superman exists in the Flashpoint world. So as Booster Gold escapes death while Doomsday marches on to worthier foes, the poor guy has to jump back into the battle. Protecting Metropolis’ helpless or whatever.
Now, that’s how Booster Gold should have fought this match. Superman made the mistake of going blow-to-blow with the monster, and Booster Gold has the punching power of a normal guy in his 30s. Brains over brawn, as comic books prove time and time again.
Round two ends with a solid loss for dear Booster Gold. But that whole smarts stuff could still be useful, especially since the monster’s pretty much invulnerable.
Round three, kids.
I know this looks bad, but Booster Gold also decided to continue punching Doomsday, the supervillain who shrugs off Kryptonian assaults. Finally, and seconds away from Booster Gold’s untimely death, his female companion utilizes a good idea. With her brain. Like Booster Gold should have done.
I admire the ingenuity of this next part, as bloody as it will be. Look, nothing the woman can possibly hit, smack, or throw at Doomsday will have any effect. He can survive in space, sustain any temperature, endure any sort of fall or impact, etc. So how do you kill an unstoppable killing machine? Obviously, you have to use an unstoppable killing machine.
Have you ever seen a creature violently rip itself apart through mind control? Booster Gold has. And this story gets my favorite literary device: a happy ending.
Well, if I end here, it’s a happy ending — the next fifteen pages not so much. Still, victory for Booster Gold. I mean, he did some of the work.
Fighting crime with Manhunter
Posted: 03/03/2013 Filed under: DC, Fights 2 CommentsIf you disregard Gotham City, most cities in the DC universe have one, maybe two superheroes each. Superman has Metropolis. Green Arrow has Star City. Flash has Keystone City. Hawkman and Hawkgirl have St. Roch. You get the idea. But you know where superheroes aren’t showing their faces? Real cities. Like Los Angeles. About time they get their own vigilante.
The Manhunter superhero title goes back to the 1940s. A half dozen men donned the uniform and an entire species of Manhunter robots run amok in space. Luckily, in 2004, Kate Spencer — the best federal prosecuter in Los Angeles, of course — took a shot at the mantle. I’m so glad she did. Marc Andreyko, the writer for the Manhunter series, made Spencer into someone both flawed and beloved. She’s wildly insecure, yet horribly overconfident. Spencer smokes and can barely muster being sub-par mother to her six year-old, though we so deeply root and care for her. Most importantly, we as readers get to see the progression of Manhunter as a beginning superhero into the capable powerhouse she rocks today.
In Manhunter #1, written by Andreyko and drawn by Jesus Saiz, we see the initial superhero transformation. Lots of misplaced justice and frustration at an ineffective legal system — a classic origin story.
Copperhead, a D-list supervillain sewer monster who actually precedes the way more popular Killer Croc, has cannibalized and devoured a dozen innocent victims. After a recent arrest, Copperhead gets put on trial by a jury of his peers, as bad guys should. Except one problem:
Now let’s be fair, Spencer can handle a loss in the court room — she’s a big girl. But once a crazed snake monster, always a snake monster.
And thus a new Manhunter rises from the ashes of obscurity to punish supervillains like the justice system can’t. With violence.
Quick explanation as to her stolen equipment. The gauntlets are the same ones worn by Azrael when he paraded around Gotham as Batman while Bruce Wayne nursed a Bane-induced broken back. The uniform comes from a member of the Darkstars, a group of alien policemen. And the staff shoots electricity, what else do you need?
Since this marks the first time that Spencer has ever actually fought crime, the battle goes as you expect. Truthfully, her athletic or martial arts background hasn’t really been touched upon, but you have to imagine that if she decides to kung fu a monstrous supervillain, she must have been at least on her college’s gymnastics team. That and the suit gives her a (very slight) increased level of strength, durability, and speed.
And her calling card? Introduction in a city like Los Angeles requires a powerful first impression:
As we browse a few more of her fights, watch as she improves with each subsequent supervillain she brawls. I mean, she’s not fighting Sinestro or Braniac or anything, but the danger level remains plenty high. Plus, the superhero learning curve climbs steeply, like in Manhunter #3, written by Andreyko and drawn by Saiz,
Unfortunately, her suit doesn’t have any flight mechanisms, grappling hooks, Batplanes, magic carpets or anything that can prevent her splattering on the ground below. Remember that:
Ow. But even Batman didn’t punish bad guys too efficiently his first few months or so. Though now that I think about it, Batman probably should have done better, what with that decade of combat training under his belt before tackling Gotham’s underworld. Luckily for dear Manhunter, practice makes perfect, such as in Manhunter #6, written by Andreyko and drawn by Jesus Saiz.
Ever heard of Shrapnel? Cyborg psychopath? No? I wouldn’t worry about it.
How does one beat a villain that usually scraps with superheroes classes above Manhunter?
Hotshot lawyer and genius strategist. Can’t be a superhero without a ton of talents. Even then, luck and circumstances play key roles in victory as well. I feel for our costumed heroes — no pay, nightly beatings, and a disturbing lack of appreciation from the citizens of their devoted city. But y’know, a hobby’s a hobby.
In Manhunter #25, written by Andreyko and drawn by Javier Pina, our protagonist has fought crime for a little over two years, including fighting alongside the rest of DC’s best in Infinite Crisis’ Battle of Metropolis. Big time stuff. Spencer totally qualifies as the real deal now, and the supervillain Sweeney Todd learns this the hard way.
A supervillain so minor that Sweeney Todd doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, the guy cuts up women or something. Look, motive isn’t important, just know the baddie’s tough.
Batman wouldn’t do this. But Batman and Manhunter don’t like each other anyway.
On a final note, what makes Los Angeles a different city than say, Gotham? The celebrations tend to be grandiose, or at the very least, good for the self-esteem. Or because unlike the Dark Knight, Manhunter actually smiles once in a while.
Eventually Spencer moves to Gotham City, probably because the dozen or so superheroes currently patrolling the city still can’t break that bloody wall of never-ending violence. Or maybe she likes a challenge. Or maybe she wants to date Nightwing. Either way, I hope she pops up in the New 52 soon.
Black Widow vs. the Avengers
Posted: 02/24/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentNot that one. The other Black Widow. As the Russians probably weren’t too fond of their greatest super spy defecting to their great super enemy, they captured a new group of young femme fatales to repeat the process. Then they took the best candidate, gave her the coveted title, and have her beat the old Black Widow to death. Nice and easy.
Except not, because Natalia Romanova tends to be incredibly difficult to kill.
They team-up for the first time in the miniseries Black Widow #1-3, volume one, written by Devin Grayson and drawn by J.G. Jones, and Yelena moves on from her grudge. Better woman and whatnot. While never a major character, Yelena did get her own miniseries called Black Widow: Pale Little Spider and showed up a few times in other minor roles. Until New Avengers #6, written by Brian Michael Bendis and drawn by David Finch:
And then something worse happens than a frontal lobe venom blast.
To be fair, the superheroes knew better than to traverse the Savage Land, which is a way scarier Jurassic Park. Sometimes writers just want their characters to fight dinosaurs, and the Marvel universe provides a place for them to do so.
Poor Yelena has no superpowers, and so she takes the fire blast like many people would — badly and bitterly. Still, one plus side of this whole ordeal:
We jump forward to New Avengers Annual #1, written by Bendis and drawn by Olivier Coipel.
Turns out the former Black Widow has had some upgrades. Meet Yelena Belova, Super-Adaptoid.
Basically a rip-off of DC’s Amazo, the Super-Adaptoid is a cyborg with the ability to instantly mimic any superhero powers of those it touches. And it just touched the Sentry, Marvel’s schizophrenic Superman. Bad news for our heroes.
What follows next is a testament to the relentless spirit of Marvel’s greatest superhero team (equal to the X-Men, Fantastic Four, Alpha Flight, Captain Britain Corps, etc. — this is no time to be making fanboy enemies). Watch some highlights from the brawl:
Watch as Yelena’s banter hits deeper and sharper than any weapon can:
And witness my man-crush Spider-Man. Oh, how I swoon.
Finally, follow that up with some actual teamwork:
Eventually, since Super-Adaptoid has every Avenger power, Yelena remains relatively unharmed. So Iron Man uses his brain and figures if one Iron Man won’t be enough to take her down, how about forty?
It’s not enough. It’s never enough. The fight eventually comes down to the Sentry, because every big battle always comes down to the Superman — that’s the point of having a man who can bench press continents on the team in the first place.
Y’see, while the Sentry has similar powers to Superman, he is not Superman. Not even close. While the Man of Steel’s powers come with a sense of morality and responsibility, the Sentry come with the Void. Superman gets a way better deal.
The Void can’t be easily explained. Think of it as a demonic-ish dark side of Sentry’s persona, only with the power of all-consuming madness and insane evil power. If even the Sentry eventually loses control (see Siege), Yelena doesn’t stand a chance. Hydra cuts its losses.
The end. Luckily, since it’s a comic book universe, we haven’t seen the last of Yelena. No explanation is given, but we’ll just assume some mad scientist put her goo back together or something. More importantly, Yelena receives a second chance to prove herself an equal Black Widow to the red-headed one we know and love — as a super spy, not a lizard cyborg monster. In an ideal world anyway.
Here she appears a year or so later in Marvel Comics Presents #5, written by Marc Guggenheim and drawn by Dave Wilkins:
What’s she up to nowadays? Well, she hasn’t actually been in comics since 2009, last appearing as Norman Osborn’s secret tube capture:
Oh well. One day she’ll be back in the comic spotlight. Hopefully. Is it because she’s blonde?
Batman & Wonder Woman’s villain switcheroo
Posted: 02/21/2013 Filed under: DC, Fights 2 CommentsWith Wednesday’s article involving thoughtful, provoking, meaningful questions, today should just be a big ol’ fist fight. That’s why we really read comics, right? Right? No? In Batman/Superman/Wonder Woman: Trinity, both written and drawn by Matt Wagner, we get a (I presume) non-canonical look at the three DC powerhouses’ first meeting, complete with nuclear threats and giant pigeons attacking helicopters. Near the end of the book, it’s time to take out the two main antagonists — Ra’s al Ghul and Bizarro.
Let’s pause here. Bizarro, the disfigured clone of Superman, has all of the Man of Steel’s power but with the mentality of a toddler. Actually, a terrific combo for a supervillain. Also, as you know from Batman comics before, the Dark Knight prefers to handle his own rogue gallery and tends not to pawn them off. Finally, Wonder Woman can certainly match Bizarro’s speed and strength, so why send the fragile Batman instead of the hearty (is that offensive?) Amazon.
Before you immediately dismiss an insane Batman, you should buy the book, because Wonder Woman already had her savage fight with Bizarro:
And it didn’t really go well. It’s okay, Batman has a plan. He always has a plan. But first up:
Wonder Woman vs. Ra’s al Ghul
I like this characterization of Ra’s. He retains the horrible haircut and megalomania, but now he has an added layer of pervert that makes him way easier to hate.
From a superpower perspective alone, Wonder Woman shouldn’t have a terribly hard time dealing with Ra’s. The man has 600 years of combat experience, but he’s still non-powered. And unfortunately, Wonder Woman doesn’t have that convenient kryptonite weakness. So for the sake of story, we’ll assume Ra’s centuries of training make him an even match for the daughter of Zeus, which is fairly feasible for comics. Bring on the continuity anger — I’m totally going with her New 52 origin.
The best part of fighting a misogynist? The inevitable verbal/physical smackdown using all those womanly strengths.
Victory Wonder Woman. Poor Batman won’t have so easy a time.
Batman vs. Bizarro
With no blue kryptonite handy to incapacitate the reject clone, Batman’s going to have to hit hard and hit fast — his favorite kind of hitting.
I would like to say that Bruce Wayne musters up the last remaining strength and succeeds despite all odds against him, but to be fair, he is going up against a monster who can push moons.
Valiant effort by Batman. It’s really the thought that counts when it comes to battles. When your opponent has you pinned on top of nuclear bombs, maybe it’s time to tag in your partner. Y’know, like a man who has a bit more experience dealing with crazy clones of himself.
Mission complete, and no better panel to end the weekend on. Superman rocks.
Spider-Girl & Hercules battle Hobgoblin
Posted: 02/07/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 1 CommentA few years ago, the old Hobgoblin was killed. Well, his brother anyway who sometimes wore the costume in place of the original Hobgoblin. It’s complicated. But in Amazing Spider-Man #650, written by Dan Slott and drawn by Humberto Ramos, the new supervillain became Kingpin’s number one assassin.
Unfortunately for New York’s local heroes, Hobgoblin spends most of his time trying to kill anyone who gave a dirty look to the world’s deadliest crime boss. He’s like Electra except far more annoying and showing far less skin. Today, we’re going to see our baddie battle some of New York’s finest. First up, Spider-Girl #6, written by Paul Tobin and drawn by Clayton Henry.
I’ve covered Spider-Girl before in a previous article. Imagine a normal, athletic 16 year-old girl. There, that’s Spider-Girl. While Hobgoblin isn’t exactly Hulk-level in terms of superpowers, he does have a bunch of cool gadgets and surprises.
Why’s this Hobgoblin so much deadlier than his predecessors? Turns out Phil Urich (his real name) ingested some Green Goblin juice back in the day, giving him the ability to paralyze his opponents by laughing. Spider-Man beat this by inventing a special suit that reflects sound waves or something. I don’t really do a large amount of science-related research. Poor Spider-Girl has to use less impressive methods.
Not exactly a master strategist, Hobgoblin finally decides to do something useful, like fly in the air. Most sixteen year-old girls can’t fly.
See that satchel our hero stole? Hobgoblin has to keep his gadgets somewhere. Supervillains don’t have the luxury of fanny packs. God only knows where he stores his flaming sword when not in use.
Remember what I said last article about non-powered superheroes? Without brute strength or crazy powers to rely on, they have to use intelligence and planning. Luckily, Spider-Girl’s gifted and talented. The spider-powered man she’s named after though? At least he means well.
Look, Urich can’t be arrested and sent to jail. The kid’s way too mouthy and good-looking. Also, certainly a pervert. Strangely, the Kingpin doesn’t have much patience for defeat seeing as how the fat guy’s beaten up and humiliated once a year or so. And that’s just by Daredevil.
To redeem himself to his boss, Hobgoblin’s sent after a young woman next in Herc #2, written by Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente and drawn by Neil Edwards & Scott Hanna. Unfortunately, this isn’t the promiscuous, all-powerful Hercules you know and love. I mean, he’s still promiscuous, but he sacrificed his godlike powers to save the universe a while back. The guy’s just a normal man who fights crime in a loincloth.
I love Hercules. Greg Pak has done such amazing characterization on this legendary figure in the past few years that I would place him in my top five or six favorite superheroes. Maybe seventh. Most importantly, how can you dislike anyone who just Hawkeye’d a major supervillain?
Recorded superhero fights should be happening more often than they do. In the digital age, how can a single punch thrown by anyone in spandex not be on YouTube? Now, Hercules has no problem chopping up supervillains, unfortunately his current opponent remains slippery — physically and personality-wise.
That’s the second time Hobgoblin’s bag of tech backfired on him. The guy should really find a better way to store his bombs and goo.
I think I just found your new computer wallpaper:
Two happy endings in one post. No better way to end the week.
A brief moment with Black Widow
Posted: 02/05/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 4 CommentsOne of the biggest complaints I hear about The Avengers movie is how Black Widow’s fairly useless compared to the rest of the team. And sure, during a full-scale alien invasion, she can’t compete with an actual god of thunder, but Black Widow (real name either Natalia Romanova or Natasha Romanoff) fulfills a very important role for the team. For missions that require more finesse and less punching, a giant green monster and mechanical suit of armor aren’t going to be able to crawl through ducts.
Natalia has a fascinating back story. She was brainwashed/trained from birth as a Russian super spy using injections and potions, becoming a Soviet James Bond with more flexibility and cleavage. Eventually, she defects to the good ol’ USA. But if you want to talk about a character who’s past catches up often and badly, she’s your superhero to read about. Also, Black Widow’s history has her assassinating as early as the 1950s, making her your grandmother’s age.
Though it takes a while for Marvel to transform Black Widow into Scarlett Johansson. Quite a while. She first appears in Tales of Suspense #52 back in 1963, written by Stan Lee & N. Korok and drawn by Don Heck.
I don’t know why she’s dressed like an extra from The Great Gatsby.
Even when she started wearing that cool spy outfit and letting the red hair flow, the character we know her as today hadn’t fully formed yet:
That’s from Avengers #111, written by Steve Englehart and drawn by Don Heck. Look, you can’t blame her for having a crush on Daredevil (half the Marvel universe wants in that maroon jumpsuit), but always remember: Black Widow first joined the Avengers to spite Daredevil spurning her advances. I’m exaggerating for narrative effect, please don’t judge me.
Today, we’re taking a look at the Fear Itself: The Black Widow one-shot, written by Cullen Bunn and drawn by Peter Nguyen. A large group of Asgardian hammer monsters is currently wrecking havoc on the world, but Captain America has other plans for his best infiltrator.
I should give you some quick back story. First, French terrorists stole some nuclear bombs. The baddies in this church know where the bombs are being stored. More importantly though, Bucky Barnes, Natalia’s boyfriend, has just been killed by Red Skull. Like an issue before this.
I know Black Widow has no powers. But neither does Batman. The non-powered good guys get placed in an interesting story dilemma, where their intelligence and planning plays more into success than the strength of their kicks. And in the Marvel universe, Black Widow’s the best — I mean, they put her in the movie and everything.
Aren’t wrist guns cool?
In the middle of battle, she makes a joke that hits deeper than any of Spider-Man’s quips ever can. Masculinity insults by attractive women forever sting. That and a bullet through his chin. Natalia’s more like Wolverine than Captain America.
Fortunately, the bad guys give up the location of the nukes. Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of wearing a skin-tight leather suit as her only form of protection.
Remember this scene from beginning of the film? She’s tied up in a chair while the bad guys think they’re interrogating her. Then she beats them all up and the audience laughs. This isn’t that scene.
We know Black Widow’s not dead. Sure, she was just shot in the head, but now we get to play the game of seeing how the writer had his characters cheat certain death. Metal plate in the noggin? Gun missed brain by millimeters? Rubber bullets?
LMD’s a good choice. Nick Fury uses them so often that characters have to question who they’re speaking to usually within a panel or two of his entrance. Think of LMDs as remote-controlled, perfect copies of people. Only detectable after being sliced open or shot in the head of whatever. An old plot trick definitely, but not with this twist:
And the world’s safe once more. Though let’s not tell the other Avengers about this.
X-Men vs. Juggernaut, Pt. 2
Posted: 01/31/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 8 CommentsAs we left off on Wednesday, the normal method of taking down the Juggernaut has failed. Emma Frost’s attempted mind molesting backfired and the unstoppable behemoth is slowly making his way to San Francisco. To destroy it. Don’t worry, the X-Men are on it:
We pick back up with the second half of Uncanny X-Men #540-543, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Greg Land. The X-Men army marches into battle.
Plan 4’s a bust. Turns out when possessed by an evil Asgardian god, walking on air gets added to the power arsenal. But despite many offensive words you can call mutants, quitters isn’t one of them.
To be fair to the X-Men, it doesn’t seem like Juggernaut’s fighting back very much. Much more of a slow crawl to annihilate the city. Still, when there’s only 200 mutants left on Earth and half of them have tried to stop Juggernaut, the options are becoming a bit beyond the X-Men’s creativity.
Finally, the half-naked Juggernaut oracle offers a solution:
Of course, she refuses. She’s a good woman after all, though the offer remains tempting in her private meetings between her own human military commanders. Time for Cyclops to play with strategies above his understanding.
You know about Magik? She’s Colossus’ sister and current ruler of the demonic Limbo dimension. Nasty woman, almost certainly a sociopath, and quite possibly the last chance to save San Francisco.
Y’see, Magik’s a demon expert, and Juggernaut’s superpower derives from a demonic artifact. So one possible way to neuter the unstoppable monster is to remove that whole unstoppable part. Luckily, Magik’s buddy-buddy with the demon responsible for Juggernaut’s origin.
Juggernaut being possessed by an Asgardian god totally goes against the whole being possessed by a demonic god. Demons can be so petty at times. Cyttorak, seeing his avatar cheating on him with another baddie, does the only responsible thing — he strips Juggernaut of his power. A couple of things to note. First, Juggernaut’s still possessed by the evil hammer, so his strength isn’t exactly hampered. Like at all. And more importantly, Cyttorak needs to have an avatar running around Earth. It’s probably an ego thing.
Well, of the three, who’s by far the most capable choice?
Say hello to Juggernaut Colossus. Understand this isn’t temporary. He gets to keep the powers after he’s done pounding the crap out of the last avatar. Witness Cyclops’ final plan: the one where two enormous behemoths punch each other to death.
By the way, the Asgardian Serpent god plays it safe. Of his seven monsters rampaging around the world, he only loses one by the time the final battle starts. That’s called good management. Most importantly, the X-Men save the day and San Francisco is safe.
Except for one final detail. You remember earlier when I mentioned that Mayor Sadie had met briefly with her soldiers to see about possible mutant destruction plans?
I present this moment to you as the finest example between Professor X’s and Cyclops’ X-Men. Scott Summers may be the professor’s protégé, but the two lead in very different ways. Plus, Cyclops has a gorgeous head of hair.
Welcome to the new generation of X-Men. Meet the new boss, who is definitely not the same as the old boss.
X-Men vs. Juggernaut, Pt. 1
Posted: 01/29/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel Leave a commentNot any Juggernaut, this one:
Y’see, during the Marvel Fear Itself event, seven magical evil Thor hammers fell to Earth. Each one transformed the respective hero/villain into a way tougher version of themselves. Also, now with a giant hammer. Juggernaut got to be one of those lucky seven, but unfortunately the main side effect is becoming the mindless slave of a forgotten Asgardian supervillain. That’s the breaks.
A few articles ago, I briefly mentioned that when Cyclops assumed leadership of the X-Men from Professor X, he turned it from a school into an army. That’s not an exaggeration, and Uncanny X-Men #540-543, written by Kieron Gillen and drawn by Greg Land, is the perfect arc to prove it. By the way, if you get a chance, check out Gillen’s entire run on Journey Into Mystery. I can’t begin to explain how amazingly wonderful it is. A superb literary achievement.
With a rampaging Juggernaut heading towards the X-Men’s base of operations near San Francisco, it’s time for America’s favorite mutants to jump into action. Also, I guess to deal with that half-naked oracle as well. First, Cyclops and the mayor of San Francisco have a combat briefing. Polite diplomacy and all.
That’s Emma Frost in a cowboy outfit. Emma being Emma. Think the power of Jean Grey with none of the vices like modesty or prudence. As usual, fights like the one about to happen always start off the same. Cyclops will take his A-team into battle and see how they fare. Test the waters. You probably know how this is going to go.
If you ever have any doubt of Cyclops’ awesomeness, you should have all that erased by the end of part two. Currently, the main X-Men roster consists of Cyclops, Kitty Pryde, Colossus, Iceman, Magneto, and Emma Frost. And honestly, that team alone would be able to pretty easily wipe out the Avengers, much less Magento’s former henchman.
So far, the helmet idea isn’t going accordingly. Let Magneto, master of magnetism, handle this.
Look, military commanders have setbacks all the time. It’s how the deal with the next step that makes them great. And Cyclops is great. Witness one of the most famous lines in recent comic history:
Plan 2 commence:
Hope Summers, the teenage Mutant Messiah, has the power to mimic any abilities of those around her. So Cyclops surrounded her with all the mutants.
Mission success! Turns out a hundred mutant powers at once can rip the helmet off a God-like being. Time to for Emma to be useful and psychically shut the monster down.
Oops. With that, the second half of the arc and another twenty images will conclude Friday, including a story development that changes one of the X-Men permanently. How’s that for a tease?
A vacation ambush with Cyclops
Posted: 01/22/2013 Filed under: Fights, Marvel 3 CommentsI’m a bit sick today, so let’s skip some complicated back story, a melodramatic conspiracy, or complicated love triangle. Let’s just enjoy a superhero brawl. Cyclops will do.
As Professor X has been slowly phased out of X-Men leadership the past decade or so, Cyclops (real name Scott Summers) effectively and confidently took up that mantle. Then he transformed the X-Men from a school to an army. Bigger threats attacking mutant-kind, I guess. Before that in 2001, back when he was still with Jean Grey, he received his own miniseries Cyclops #1-4, written by Brian K. Vaughan and drawn by Mark Texeira. Here’s a scene from the first issue.
We all know by now that superheroes can’t have vacations. A supervillain or robot or parasite will inevitably burst through the door for our hero to rough up.
Cyclops has the odds badly stacked against him. Juggernaut’s practically invincible and Black Tom Cassidy has similar powers as Cyclops.
Yes, Cyclops can really only shoot eye lasers. Nowadays, where everybody can fly, lift tanks, and survive nuclear blasts, I guess eye lasers don’t really stack up. Except Summers has been fighting baddies since middle school. And while my X-Men knowledge may not be as extensive as other superheroes, I do know that very few characters are capable of out-thinking the X-Men leader.
No one can take Juggernaut in a fist fight (except maybe the Hulk), but his intelligence borders on the pity of sympathetic doctors. I’m saying he’s dumb.
If you’re confused by Black Tom Cassidy, you’re not alone. The dude’s a minor bad guy at most. Though he is Irish, which I assume makes for some welcome diversity in the comic book world. Too bad no one takes the man seriously.
Now things get interesting, right? If the full force of laser eyes can’t scratch Juggernaut, then him with a hostage pretty much guarantees victory. Except he’s up against Cyclops, who has been blessed with serious brains to go along with his boyish good looks.
Let’s be fair. Juggernaut knows the X-Men aren’t killers. Except for Wolverine. And Psylocke. And Nightcrawler. And Cable. A few more I’m missing. Okay, so there’re are a few exceptions. But Cyclops? Totally not a merciless killer, but definitely a merciless actor.
And truthfully, Cyclops has been through some crazy stuff recently. The early 2000s had some crazy X-Men stories. Anyway, Juggernaut hates losing fights, but he hates losing friends even more. Giant of a man, giant of a heart.
Battle over. Next up, the three of them giggle together among hot cocoa and Snuggies.
Arousing Grammar 