Ms. Marvel: a tale of two boyfriends

Kind of.  It’s complicated.  But in Mighty Avengers #6, this happened:

And thus began their relationship.

Ms. Marvel’s history (real name Carol Danvers) I covered in a previous article, but I’ve never before brought up Wonder Man (real name Simon Williams).  I know he’s not terribly well-known or popular, but he’s been around since 1964 and was created by Stan Lee himself.  So that has some cred, right?

Nazi supervillain Baron Zemo experimented on Wonder Man, originally a rich businessman, infusing him with a bunch of ionic energy treatments.  I don’t know what that is either. But now he has super strength equal to Thor, can fly and has glowing red eyes.  Good deal.  Most importantly, he likes Ms. Marvel in that emotionally gushy way.

Today we’re taking a look at some select scenes from Ms. Marvel #6-27, volume 2, written by Brian Reed and drawn mainly by Roberto De La Torre and Aaron Lopresti.  Now, the two superheroes are dating.  Still, when Ms. Marvel crashes into a local restaurant after a fight with her clone (y’know, comics), she takes the responsible action and goes to meet with the incredibly good-looking owner, William Wagner.

Don’t forget that last line.  Because when you have to sum up the two relationships, Ms. Marvel’s dating Wonder Man but Carol’s dating William.

Y’see, Ms. Marvel, currently a high-level SHIELD operative and leader of the Mighty Avengers, commands an immense amount of power and responsibility, but every failure (and she’s not very good her job) weighs down on her mentally and emotionally.  Whereas out of her superhero garb, she’s just another attractive blonde walking down the street where the pressure remains far more manageable. Essentially, as Ms. Marvel/Carol decides which of the men she wants to pursue, it’s also a reflection on her two different lifestyles.  Also, no one can fault her for wanting to date two good-looking fellas.

Well, shall we see how their date goes?  Spoiler alert: delightfully.

Unfortunately, because superheroes also have super-timing, their inevitable fling gets interrupted by Ms. Marvel’s teenage sidekick/trainee (and eventual Spider-girl).

Y’know the whole great responsibility comes great power spiel.  Poor Carol’s libido has to be put aside so they can do the whole save-the-city stuff.  And best of all, dear civilian William totally understands as he goes back home and takes a very cold shower.

Oh, but where there’s punching, there’s Wonder Man, as he’s the other side of that superhero coin.

Ms. Marvel’s secret date is safe from the helpful eyes of Simon.  And if you’re hoping for a big reveal and Wonder Man crashing into William’s apartment, it’s not going to happen.  They never find out about each other, because that’s not what this story is about.  It’s Ms. Marvel and her preferred lifestyle vs. her super-powered duties.  And trust me, Carol and William are progressing quite well.

Chemistry!  The only showers taken that night were warm and steamy.  But this can’t last.  Tragedy and conspiracy define a superhero, and in this case, it’s the latter.  After all, happiness is fleeting in the lives of crime fighters.  Makes stories boring if it’s all giggles and puppies.

Tough love, I guess?  Immediately after this secret meeting, the supervillain MODOK brainwashes Wonder Man, which forces Ms. Marvel to take drastic measures.

And the aftermath, where a public smooch will force her to make her romantic choice:

Can you feel that sharp pain of rejection?  The worst part?  He’s on her superhero team, so once he pieces his shattered heart back together, they have to remain friends.  I mean, they were before they dated, but now his love has to be more, I guess, brotherly.  Plus, as you know and Carol doesn’t, choosing William over Simon means everyone loses.

We advance to our final act.  Ms. Marvel lands smack dab in the middle of Marvel’s Secret Invasion event, where the shapeshifting alien species Skrulls invade Earth.  The same Skrulls who have warred with the alien species Kree for decades, making Earth their battleground on more than one occasion.

Well, that sucks.  Though my favorite two parts of comics just so happen to be angry superheroes and shocking twists, and luckily, this story has both.

Here’s the thing.  William Wagner, the secret Kree spy, never shows up again.  Yes, he’s alive somewhere, but neither his name nor his face pops up in this or any other comic series.  And unfortunately, I don’t know the reason why.  I hope he does one day, because I like the idea of superheroes dating normal civilians.  Wolverine recently did it.  Iron Man’s dated hundreds.  Adds a layer of normality and character development writers can switch to when there’s a lull in the punching. C’mon, you saw how charming Ms. Marvel was when on her date when she wasn’t talking about Skrull battleships or wrestling sewer monsters, right?

For now and probably forever, just assume William Wagner has disappeared, another tragic moment in the fairly tragic life of Carol Danvers.  Though, his abduction does lead to one final moment, the culmination of Ms. Marvel and Wonder Man’s failed relationship.  Y’know, going full circle and all.

Wonder Man and Ms. Marvel will never date again.  But on bed made of tears and regret, Wonder Man gets one night to express his lingering feelings of love.  And that counts, sort of?

The whirlwind romance of Dr. Doom and Scarlet Witch

Y’know, if you list just their resumes, Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom seem like a compatible couple.

Scarlet Witch (real name Wanda Maximoff), born and raised in Eastern Europe, is the daughter of Magneto.  She possesses the extremely powerful mutant power to alter reality and control Chaos Magic.  Dr. Doom (real name Victor von Doom). also born and raised in Eastern Europe, is the second most powerful sorcerer in the Marvel universe.  Plus he’s a technological genius and dictator of the country of Latveria.  But will Dr. Doom’s evilness get in the way of a healthy, happy relationship? Don’t worry, he has a plan.

Until 2004, Scarlet Witch had been a card-carrying member of the Avengers.  Devastated by the loss of her fictional children that she willed into existence, she took her anger out on the good guys, killing three Avengers and causing 99.9% of all mutants to lose their powers.  Permanently.  Appropriately, she disappeared for several years.

Cue the miniseries Avengers: The Children’s Crusade #1-9, written by Allan Heinberg and drawn by Jim Cheung.  Wiccan, the now perfectly real son willed into existence by the Scarlet Witch, experienced some unstable reality-altering superpowers of his own.  Nervous that he’ll go crazy and wipe out another innocent race like her mother, his Young Avengers team goes looking for Wanda. Well, they find her.  Unfortunately, she lives in Dr. Doom’s castle and to say he doesn’t like unannounced visitors is like saying Iron Man’s fond of gadgets.

But’s that’s not going to stop Wiccan.  After all, he’s a superhero.

Our conflict ignites!  Scarlet Witch, unable to remember her origin or history, happens to be quite in love with the supervillain of the Marvel universe.  Obviously, this must be a misunderstanding that Wiccan and Dr. Doom can discuss over Latverian tea and the bodies of Doom’s enemies.  But that’s not how comic books work.  No, this has to happen first:

I always find the most romantic moments in my life also happen next to an unconscious charred teenager.  So you want to know some back story?  I mean, who could love Dr. Doom (besides Dr. Doom)?  Only fair I let the Latverian ruler explain.

Wiccan doesn’t trust Dr. Doom because there are 50 years of comic books telling him not to.  Though without his powers, Wiccan’s kind of a wussy, no matter how strong his resolve.  Luckily, you know who else doesn’t trust Dr. Doom?

That condition?  Nope, not a dirt bike.  Escape and all that jazz.  Unfortunately, as much as Doom hates surprise visitors coming into his country, he hates surprise visitors trying to leave his country about the same.

Before Dr. Doom could answer a strangely reasonable question, the good guy cavalry arrives. Happens a lot actually.  I’m pretty sure that as soon as any superhero gets superpowers, super-timing is thrown in as a packaged deal.  Obviously, the Young Avengers bolt.

I’d be remiss not to mention that as reasonable as Scarlet Witch’s demand for honest answers may be, Dr. Doom’s honest answer is just as reasonable.  Y’see, amnesia doesn’t solve mental illness, which Wanda has in droves.  With Doom’s plan, the Scarlet Witch would have been forever happy as the non-powered queen of Latveria, and Doom would have protected both the planet and married a woman who loved him.  Not anymore, because the Avengers and X-Men had to go all pew-pew.  Plus, this happens:

Yay, right?  Kinda.  Sadly, all that newly regained power also comes with a complete recall of her past crimes and atrocities.  And her rap sheet is extensive.  But what kind of superhero comic would this be if not for a chance at redemption?  And after all, her children are back from non-existence!

Unfortunately, the Avengers and X-Men interrupt the tender moment and start punching.  Scarlet Witch single-handedly takes down both teams, but you have to buy the comic for that scene.  And as the unconscious bodies of superheroes litter the lawn (a common theme in this miniseries), the Scarlet Witch teleports the Young Avengers away.  But y’know, not to where they want to go.

Scarlet Witch and Dr. Doom are still very much in love.  And why not?  Despite Dr. Doom’s tendency towards being a jerk and his hideously deformed appearance under that metal armor, it’s not impossible to believe that he genuinely cares for and loves the Scarlet Witch.  Look, some supervillains are simple and easy to figure out.  Red Skull or Mandarin, for instance, just enjoy destruction and evil.  But arguably the two most influential supervillains in the Marvel world, Dr. Doom and Magneto, are majorly complicated with rich, tragic histories ant that may be a testament to their popularity and mass appeal.  Just my theory.

Oh, now we get the real story of what happened and why she went crazy.

To be fair, he hasn’t been untrustworthy so far.  Sorta.  The magical ritual goes off without a hitch, and by that I mean the results are disastrous and the nexus life force or whatever it’s called goes haywire and violent.  Though, out of everyone involved, one person certainly benefits.  Not Scarlet Witch.  She still has her powers.  Not Wiccan.  He gets all burn-y again.  But Doom?

You know who isn’t used to compromising?  Victor von Doom.  Sadly, being a new superhero for the past minute or two won’t erase all those supervillain instincts.  Like an obsession with power, and as much as he loves Wanda (very), he loves power much, much more.

Ah, now that last panel sounds more like the Dr. Doom we know and love.  Why won’t these darn superheroes just let him create and rule over a perfect, wonderful world?  It’s not like the godlike power will ever corrupt him or make him lose control, right?  Actually, I also just summed up the plot of the Avengers vs. X-Men event going on right now.

So they all fight Doom and it goes badly.  But Scarlet Witch has a last ditch move that may ultimately take down her former fiance.

As painful as the illumination fire and return to his disfigured body may be, nothing hurts more than his broken heart (sorry).  So who’s the victim here?  Surely the Scarlet Witch is the villain in this relationship, as she rejected his love over her doubts and lack of trust over his new abilities.  But the blame goes to Doom.  Once a supervillain, always a supervillain, no matter how many tears he’d be crying if he still had tear ducts.

Safe to assume they’re broken up.  But don’t worry about Scarlet Witch.  She’s attractive, self-confident, and nowadays dudes don’t mind dating women with kids.  Oh, and did you know she went out with Captain America for a while?  He’s a catch.

Thing loves Alicia

Unlike my previous article title with such a bold claim, this time I mean it.  And vice versa.  The two are fated to be together, because for all the self-loathing and frustration that comes along with Ben Grimm’s orange rock exterior, Alicia has forever been the permanent reminder that despite his ugly and bulky appearance, someone will always love him.  Though when we pick up in our story, they’ve broken up.  It happens, relationships are tricky.

Alicia Masters, a blind, gifted sculptress, has been a recurring character in the Fantastic Four comics since their 8th issue in 1962.  And she’s not just thrown in as a love interest for the Thing.  Nope, this civilian saved the entire world.  Y’see, Silver Surfer, the herald who travels to planets on behalf of Galactus (devourer of worlds), crashed into her apartment after a fight with the Fantastic Four.  There, Alicia convinced him of all the joy and goodness thriving on Earth and Silver Surfer switched alliances, fought Galactus, and saved the world from being eaten.  I’m serious:

Spoiler alert:  Earth’s not destroyed.

Anyway, Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic and smartest man in the world) has been patenting, selling, and inventing for over a decade.  For every comically large bag of money thrown at him for creating the next world-changing device, he has to spend a fortune repairing the Baxter Building from attacks, covering every business expense, and making up for any revenue losses due to stuff like exploding Fantasticars and dimensional portals sucking in lab equipment.

Because Johnny Storm (Human Torch) and Sue Richards (Invisible Woman) are his brother-in-law and wife respectively, he has legal rights to plunder their bank accounts in case of emergencies.  And since they’re superheroes, emergencies are every other issue.  But he can’t touch Ben’s money, because “best friend” isn’t legally binding.  So when the Thing inquired recently as to exactly how much was in his personal bank account, he learned the exciting truth: he’s a billionaire.

Today, we’re going to take a look at Ben and Alicia during Thing #1-8, volume 2, written by Dan Slott and drawn by Andrea DiVito and  Kieron Dwyer.  Unfortunately, the series only lasted eight issues, but if you get a chance, it’s a delightful read.

Despite the break up, Ben and Alicia have moved on.  Alicia’s dating a sensitive, brilliant artist dude:

And the Thing’s dating a beautiful movie starlet:

Or was dating a beautiful movie starlet.  Heaps of money comes with many rewards, like financial stability, unbelievable luxuries, happiness, peace of mind, envy of those around you, a personal chauffeur, and a few dozen more I’m missing, but let Tony Stark tell you, it doesn’t buy love.

Oh, probably forgot to mention the two of them were kidnapped with the other guests at a party and brought to the supervillain Arcade’s murderous amusement park island.  My bad.  But they’re freed now, because of Alicia (and Daredevil).

Y’know, because Daredevil’s enhanced senses can detect fluctuations in heartbeat, making him a human lie detector.  So that’s not intuition he’s using, it’s cold, hard superhero science.

To take Ben’s mind off his lady problems, he decides to put his money to good use, building a recreation center in his old neighborhood off Yancy Street.  It’s a tough place, where thugs with hearts of gold who just desire a better life angrily stroll the street with spraypaint and tiny melee weapons. But to build this place, he’s going to need a professional, and with his wealth, he can afford the best in town. Well, when he’s done reminiscing.

What did we learn in those above pages?  Yes, the Thing misses Alicia, but more importantly, he has no idea Arlo and Alicia are dating.  Not one little clue.  Intelligence is mainly Mr. Fantastic’s role on the team.

And just because Arlo sounds like he came out of the musical Rent, he’s not going to lead on Alicia’s ex-boyfriend/giant rock monster.

While Ben can’t let go of his feelings for Alicia, at least he’s happy that she’s happy, which is far more than I can say for most of the relationships I’ve seen unfold on Facebook.  But he’s also not going to give up.  As you read in an earlier page, her birthday’s coming up, and he promised he’d take her out. If Alicia’s going to dump Arlo, this would be the last chance.  Ben’s gotta go big.  Oh, and he now has a giant teleporting dog.  It lives on the moon.

So where do you take her that’ll wow her into changing her relationship status?  How about traveling to the past by dusting off that ol’ time machine Reed Richards keeps in a spare room?  If Arlo thinks a mini Venus de Milo can win her over, what chance does he have against the real thing?

Hercules!  They’re drinking buddies 2,000 years in the future.  But unfortunately, not now.  To be fair to Herc, he sees a lovely young lady arguing with a seven-foot tall monster and he decides to step in. Also for a more perverted reason I’m not sharing with you.

They brawl for a while.  Heavy hitters are fun to watch fight, because readers don’t have to worry about stuff like grace or acrobatics.   I love crazy, complicated battles, but sometimes there’s nothing better than a simple exchange punches from dudes who can lift medium-sized airplanes

Oh, and that statue Hercules knocked the Thing into?  Yeah, you don’t need a detective for that.  Despite their rocky history (sorry), it’s not hard to believe why Alicia loved Ben in the first place:

Do they get back together?  Of course they do, and not with some sort of poetry or chasing her down at the airport, but because Ben uses his brain.  Sneakily.  Romantically sneakily.

Told you, they’re fated to be together.  I’d show you the rest of the issue and the series’ ending, but I actually already covered it in a previous article.  Still, nice to see a happy ending once in a while, isn’t it?  Always a pleasure to see the rock monster find real love.  That and billions of dollars.

I hope this satiated your emotional comic needs, because heads up, the rest of this week is a sucker punch to your tear ducts.  Oh, and Aquaman.  Lots of Aquaman.

A non-love story with Namor and Sue

No beating around the bush here: Namor, the shirtless king of Atlantis, has a major crush on Sue Richards, the Invisible Woman and mother of two.  I’ve actually covered it briefly in my previous Fantastic Four article.  Oh, we’re definitely going to see lots of panels of Namor shameless hitting on the Invisible Woman.  And it’s delightful.  But before that, it’s important to cover a little bit of history. Because regardless of the X-Men or whatever team the Atlantean king’s currently a part of, he’s forever linked to the Fantastic Four.

Y’see, Namor’s success in today’s comic market sparked in Fantastic Four #4, written by Stan Lee and drawn by Jack Kirby.  The Sub-Mariner had fallen off the radar after the 1940s.  Luckily, in 1961, the Human Torch stumbles upon a certain familiar hobo.

Unfortunately, Namor finds out that during his years as an amnesiac bum, his home in the ocean hasn’t been treated very kindly by mankind.  So he tries to kill everyone.  Oops.  Luckily, the Fantastic Four are there to stop him.  Kind of.

And that my friends, is my gift to you: the very first ever meeting between the two.  To put this in perspective, Dr. Doom, the clear arch-nemesis of the Fantastic Four, makes his debut in the next issue.  This comic gem is pre-Doom.

Let’s skip ahead 40 years.  In the current series, Sue has two wonderful kids (one genius and one reality-altering mutant) and her marriage to Reed Richards still holds tight.  The team has their own building, is super rich, and has gained both the respect of the Marvel universe and a massive rogue gallery.  But Namor’s pining for dear Sue hasn’t sunk (sorry) in the least.  We’re going to start with Fantastic Four #6, volume 3, written by Chris Claremont and drawn by Salvador Larocca.

She loves the water.  Reminds her of the ocean.  Though, wouldn’t be a bad idea to return to shore since a certain Atlantean is perving at the bottom of the pool.

After the initial bad first impression, Namor and the Fantastic Four have a sort of weird friendship going on.  And while Namor still isn’t too fond of humanity, he’s not summoning sea monsters to destroy the cities.  Now, Sue rejects his advances.  Every time.  But why does she put up with it for as long as she does? My theory: her husband, the smartest man in the world, is never not busy and almost always emotionally unavailable.  She uses Namor for positive attention.  Don’t feel bad for the king of Atlantis.  He doesn’t really care.

Rejection number one of hundreds.  Though why Sue Richards?  Certainly a man of his status and abs could have practically any woman he so desires.  And he does.  Frequently.  But Namor can only truly respect and love his equals.  Part of having an unwieldy ego.  As proven in Fantastic Four #587, written by Jonathan Hickman and drawn by Steve Epting, that despite the soccer mom persona, the Invisible Woman absolutely stands as his equal.  Oh, and somewhere a few issues back, she became a sea queen.  It happens.

Embarrassed in front of mutant-Triceratops and aqua-Voldemort?  Namor’s not going to stand for that. No matter their past, she better get ready for the beating of her lifetime.

Or not.  The flirting will continue.  She is, after all, magnificent.

Look, Mr. Fantastic’s reputation as a husband isn’t exactly stellar.  Yes, the two love each other deeply and always will – they’re definitely superhero soulmates.  And truthfully, he does the best he can.  Probably.  But keep in mind, Sue ain’t a science genius.  She has very little knowledge or interest in the wacky devices her husband invents.  So he has to take time from exploring microuniverses and making teleporting motorcycles to spend quality time with the missus.  And because he’s a dude, in the secretive company of his friends, he’ll let off some steam and complain. After all, the most influential men in the Marvel universe whining about their significant others takes up the first third of New Avengers: Illuminati #4, written by Brian Michael Bendis and Brian Reed and drawn by Jim Cheung.  Peer pressure and whatnot.

Get ready, because sometimes words can hurt far more than repulsor rays.

It’s not drawn, but I promise if we zoomed in on Reed’s face, you’d see a single rubbery tear run down his face.

Everything I’ve shown you today leads into the Fantastic Four: 1234 miniseries, written by Grant Morrison and drawn by Jae Lee.  This story isn’t canon, which means it never actually took place in the “real” Marvel universe.  And you’ll understand why in a few pictures.  Dr. Doom decides to take out the Fantastic Four by targeting them individually.  He finds their biggest weakness and exploits it. Guess what Sue’s is?  Here’s a hint: his costume consists entirely of a speedo.

Though first, Sue and Alicia Masters (Thing’s girlfriend) have some lovely little girl talk.

Now I’m not a girl, and I don’t really know how girl talk works, but I imagine it’s just as poetic and full of metaphors as the above.  Luckily, all this Namor talks comes in handy, because guess who knocks on the front door?

Yes, that’s usually the greeting when a friend stops by.

Unfortunately for him and thank goodness for her, she receives an emergency alert from her brother needing help underground.  Namor tags along, helping the Invisible Woman and disobeying his promise and support to Dr. Doom.  The Atlantean king takes out the mole people and refuses to succumb to his primal dirty urges.  And as Sue thanks the Sub-Mariner, witness the sweetest and most mind-boggling scene in the entire mini-series.

That’s why it’s not canon.  They don’t even hide it.  She smooches sea royalty in front of the Human Torch and the Thing.  And no one mentions this again.  Reed and Sue have a strong marriage. Hopefully.

And on a final note, despite the long history and emotional connection between Namor and Sue, it’s just his nature to pursue unavailable, self-assured women.  He can’t help himself.

Cyclops, Emma Frost’s boyfriend, isn’t even three feet away and he attempts to seduce her. Seriously, it must be comic book magic because I’ll never figure out how his swimsuit could ever possibly hold the size of his balls.

First date with Spider-Man & Ms. Marvel

We all know about Spider-Man (have you seen the movie yet?).  He’s silly, poor, a genius, and full of great responsibility/power.  Also, he just so happens to be single.  And looking at his past relationships, Spider-Man tends to prefer a certain kind of woman.  Attractive, yes, but in comic books, you’d be searching for a long time to find an ugly one.  I don’t know why only models get superpowers.

But most importantly, his women are sassy and tough.  Black Cat was so sassy and tough that their relationship became practically emotionally abusive for Peter Parker.  Though, and this is strictly my personal opinion, of all the superheroes running around, Spider-Man takes more beatings than really any of the others and maybe deep down, a small part of him likes it.  I, of course, have zero proof, no psychology training and my college degree is in English.  But y’know.

Anyway, cut to Ms. Marvel #34, written by Brian Reed and drawn by Paulo Siqueira and Adriana da Silva Melo.  Ms. Marvel, now just plain ol’ Carol Danvers, has been stripped of her powers.  Still, she ain’t going to let stuff like being vulnerable to bullets stop her, so she tries to get some package or something from a warehouse pier full of government goons.  Or something.  I skimmed the issue.

Luckily for her, our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man shows up.

Despite her unfriendly welcome, the two team up and save the day.  The issue concludes with this adorable moment:

She agrees, and thirteen issues later in Ms. Marvel #47, we get to see The Amazing Spider-Date (actual title).  First though, they have to end their shift at work.

With Ms. Marvel’s powers back, I should probably tell you a little bit about her if you’re unfamiliar.

Danvers premiered in 1968 as an Air Force fighter pilot and spy.  She became friends with the alien Kree superhero Captain Marvel and during one of their missions, she got caught in a Kree device explosion – fusing her DNA into half-human, half-Kree.  Luckily for her, that also came with a bunch of cool new superpowers.  Though her years in comics have been fairly tragic.  She’s had lovers murdered, watched her mentor die of cancer, experienced an alien sexual assault/kidnapping, the X-Man Rogue stole all of her powers and memories, fought alcoholism, had her career ruined, and that’s just the tip of it.  But as I’ve said before, what kind of superhero would she be if not for tragedy?  All those powers come with a steep price.

And the extent of her powers?  They’re a doozy.  She’s crazy strong – about equal to The Thing, and unlike him, she still gets to retain her good looks.  Ms. Marvel can fly, possesses super-speed, has near invincibility, is able to shoot energy blasts, and she can absorb all types of energy.  A beastly powerhouse.  In comparison, Spider-Man is one-tenth as strong, cannot fly, and his projectiles are all gooey. Though their personalities are both fantastic.

Oh yeah, the date.

And since Parker gets to be the girl, Danvers has to impress him.  The best society way society has told us how: showing off.

Did I forget to mention that Ms. Marvel’s rich?  She wrote a tell-all book about her time at NASA. Wasn’t a terribly complimentary book.

This story takes place during the Marvel event Dark Reign, where Norman Osborn (Green Goblin) became the head of national security and spent the better part of a year or so hunting down superheroes.  Thank goodness for secret identities.

You know Mystique, Magneto’s former buddy and troublemaker.  While the master of magnetism has reformed in the past decade or so, Mystique still causes a bunch of trouble.  She’s more in Wolverine’s rogue gallery nowadays anyway.

Keep in mind, this is an actual date.  Not a friends getting cotton candy together date, but a real date. The two banter together better than any other Avengers (maybe Hawkeye, but Ms. Marvel’s way prettier) and they get along magnificently.  But I don’t think I’d be wrong in saying that this is the first time the two of them have had any opportunity to talk to each other alone and not about strictly superhero stuff.  Let’s see how it goes.

Despite how bad the date’s going, we’re missing one vital part of every single superhero date in existence.  Did you say random attack by armed bad guys?  Because you’re right.

Write down that one-liner.  You’ll need it next time you’re ambushed at a restaurant.  Since they’re fugitives and their cover’s blown, the two have to cut their dinner short.  But now we finally get to see a real moment between Parker and Danvers.  One that’s genuinely sweet and not totally awkward.

While this is more than enough for me to be satisfied with an article, I’d be a terrible person not to bring up the Siege: Spider-Man one-short that occurred six months later, also written by Brian Reed and drawn by Marco Santucci.  Siege was the finale of Dark Reign, where Norman Osborn and his group of bad guys attacked Thor’s home of Asgard (that floated next to a small town in Oklahoma). This issue was one of the many side issues that went along with the event.

In the fight, Ms. Marvel gets sucked up by the Venom symbiote.  Happens a lot, actually.

But the most important reason for me showing you this issue is in the next few panels:

And Spider-Man’s little mention in the aftermath:

Truthfully, the chances of the two of them having a relationship are slim.  Spider-Man’s destined to get back together with Mary Jane, though that’ll probably take another five to ten years.  And Ms. Marvel just got a promotion to the new Captain Marvel, which should cost her most of her time.  But I promise you that if in the next few weeks or months Spider-Man and Captain Marvel make out, you’ll know.   And I’ll apologize.  A very small apology.

She-Hulk loves Juggernaut

She doesn’t.  I’m lying.  But in 2004, hidden deep in Uncanny X-Men #435, this happened:

And this single panel has sparked years of controversy, lots of retcons, and enormous amounts of jokes.  I’ll explain in a bit.

Jennifer Walters, also known as She-Hulk, happens to be Bruce Banner’s (the Hulk) cousin.  During a mafia-related attack, Walters gets shot and the only compatible blood donor is her big, green cousin. Also, it allowed her to turn into an angry Hulk and thus her adventures began.

Cain Marko, the stepbrother of Professor X, finds a secret temple of the mystical Cyttorak, who gives Marko his Juggernaut powers.  He was a lackey of Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil, and not really much of a finely-tuned mind.  I’m saying he’s dumb.  With his supervillain history, his lack of charm, and his absence of respect in the Marvel universe, you can imagine that readers weren’t too happy with the She-Hulk/Juggernaut one-night stand.  Though, it is hilarious.

As for She-Hulk, how does Marvel distinguish her from being just a female Hulk?  Mainly, she retains all of her intelligence and self-awareness in her Hulk form, can pretty much transform and back at will, and has a successful career as a lawyer.  But most importantly, the timid, unadventurous Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form becomes brave, fun, sexy, powerful, and everything Walters has always wanted to be.  Like an overnight celebrity, just with only benefits.  And as we see in the genius Dan Slott’s She-Hulk series, she uses her uninhibited, unafraid green figure to let go a little bit.

So with her promiscuity firmly established in the comic book world (and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that), let’s start with a quick few panels from her team up with Wolverine.

The superheroines love Wolverine.  I don’t know why.  He’s hairy, short, and probably smells terrible. But I guess you can’t deny that rugged masculinity, though he did just spend the previous page plummeting through a yeti’s chest.  Except Wolverine ain’t having any of She-Hulk’s advances.

Which creates a running joke throughout her series and among the fans.  So much so that a silly four page mini at the back of She-Hulk #25 had her break the fourth wall by barging into the Marvel offices about the Juggernaut claim.

Look, every woman has that one person they regret sleeping with, I know because I’ve been to college.  But comic books are a creative business, aimed at retaining old fans and courting new ones. When writers make unpopular decisions, the company has to create stories that return the status quo or eliminate the decision entirely.  Or simply leave it in and the readers will deal.

When Spider-Man and Mary Jane sacrificed their marriage to the devil (seriously), it was with the belief at giving the newly single Peter Parker a dating life would give writers more story options.  As you can imagine, this decision was crazily unpopular.  And yes, Peter Parker will one day marry Mary Jane again, because they’re meant to be.  But despite fan outcries, Spider-Man is still single, and I think it turned out to be a wonderful choice.  Plus, we can watch the two fall in love again.  Eventually. While She-Hulk shacking up with Juggernaut isn’t anywhere near life-changing, the writers have it in their arsenal.  And Dan Slott used the love incident perfectly for delightful comic effect.

It was brought up for story purposes:

And it was brought up for breaks in action:

In a world where the only limit is the imagination of the writer and artist, how does She-Hulk prove she didn’t sleep with Juggernaut?  Did you say Walters should be transported to an alternative dimension to talk to an alternative She-Hulk?  You’re absolutely right.

Y’see, this She-Hulk slept with Juggernaut, not the She-Hulk we know and love.  But a She-Hulk definitely slept with the Juggernaut.  And you know why this is an okay story device?  Because it’s entertaining, and comic books are first and foremost entertainment.

We wrap this up with a happy ending for everybody!

Well, maybe not everybody:

Luke Cage & Jessica Jones get married

Our theme this week seems to be super sad endings, so let’s close out today with something happy.

Luke Cage premiered in 1972, as a street tough youth who was jailed for a crime he didn’t commit.  I know, fictional police and lawyers are really awful at their jobs.  There, he was subjected to a science experiment that gave him super strength and unbreakable skin.  So like knives or bullets can’t penetrate his body.  Realizing he needs to make some money, he starts Heroes for Hire, a superhero team that will help you out as long as you can afford them.  Also, his first costume looked like this:

Tiara, silk shirt open to his navel, and a motorcycle chain as a belt.  Let’s not beat around the bush – he started out as a blaxsploitation superhero.  I’d like to show you his earliest comics, but they border on racist.  Over time, he evolved into one of most reliable, likable, and toughest superheroes, even serving as the leader of the Thunderbolts and New Avengers.  And most importantly, now his outfit is just a t-shirt and jeans.

Jessica Jones is another matter entirely.  She’s the hard-drinking, chain-smoking, former Avenger private eye with a mouth that prevents most of her panels from being used in this article.  Jones was first introduced in the comic Alias in 2001, written by Brian Michael Bendis.  Alias printed under the MAX comic line, aimed at adults but still very much within the Marvel universe.  You’d be looking for quite a while to find a character with more self-loathing and latent anger than Jones.  Plus, many of her comics look like this:

Long story short with no spoilers, she used to be the bubbly superhero Jewel, who after an accident gained a little super strength and flight.  After a horrific encounter with a horrific supervillain, she’s significantly scarred both physically and psychologically.  So she quits the superhero business.  But after a few flings with Cage, the two finally have the heart-to-heart talk they’ve desperately needed for 28 issues.

Cage doesn’t often spill his feelings (never), and for a man with unbreakable skin to expose his heart (sorry), please understand this is a fantastic moment.  But oh, it gets better.

With that, the two officially become a couple.  Fast forward a year or so later and baby Danielle (named after Iron Fist Danny Rand) sprung forth healthy and a welcome part of the Cage/Jones family. All that’s missing in their relationship is one final act of commitment:

No, not that.

I said not that.

I’m talking about the title of the article and the whole reason we picked up New Avengers Annual #1, also written by Brian Michael Bendis.  Because honestly, only Luke Cage can handle the sweeping mood changes and ferocity of the feisty Jessica Jones.  So let’s get right to the heart of the article – no more need to waste time.

Don’t let the celebratory nature of these panels distract you from the fact that Wolverine used a traditional Yiddish phrase.

I’m inclined to mention that in the pictures up to this point, Jessica hasn’t appeared terribly lovable. Trust me, she’s definitely a mess.  The whole focus of Alias and the follow up series The Pulse followed her major insecurities and crippling emotional issues.  But she’s absolutely worth the mountain of a man she’s marrying.  And the wedding itself will prove it.

See?  Luke Cage helped her put the drunken, masochistic lifestyle behind and allowed her to embrace the joy and tranquility she hasn’t experienced in years.  I promise you have a happy ending.  To this day, the two are still married, still in love, and neither one has turned out to be a Skrull, android, or Russian spy.  Feels good, right?

While the infant hasn’t developed any superpowers, it’s really only a matter of time.  Wait five years and a rugged, time-traveling Danielle Cage will burst through some dimensional gate to help the Avengers take down Thanos or Dormammu or whoever.  But for now, let’s enjoy the simple moments. Moments that let us forget Luke Cage ever wore a tiara.

The art of seduction with Hercules

Thor’s a cool idea for a superhero, right?  The viking god of thunder from a relatively unknown religion who wields a magical hammer.  I totally approve.  But with the success of Nordic culture, why not implement other gods?  Well, by far the best of them is the mighty, majestic Hercules:

Yeah, not your English teacher’s Hercules.

Enjoy a womanizing, arrogant, hedonistic Hercules ripped straight from the peaks of Mt. Olympus. He’s been around for three thousand years, has durability and strength that rivals Thor, and despite being the definition of an oaf, has amassed one of the most impressive collection of superhero lovers in the Marvel universe.  So let’s take a look at his conquests from one of my favorite series,  The Incredible Hercules written by Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente.

Namora, the Sub-Mariner’s Cousin

Oh, that’s Hercules’ teenage sidekick, Amadeus Cho.  He’s also the 7th smartest person in the world. But Cho’s not really the focus of this article.  Let’s jump ahead to the sexy god stuff.

Because we’re not reading Catwoman, you’re not going to see any sexual proof and you’re just going to have to use context clues to figure it out.  Cover your kids’ ears.  Spoiler alert: They did it.  Here’s the post-coital hot tub cuddling:

But comics are comics and that means that if there isn’t an explosion or alien attack every few pages, the comic’s never going to sell.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.  So Hercules and Namora get attacked with a missile.

Unfortunately, there love can never be.  You see, Namora loves another man.  He also smells like salt water and fish.  Yes, it’s incestuous.  During the battle with the Amazons, Hercules and Namora scramble to grab an urn that reveals their deepest wishes.  Yeah, it happens.

Do you know who that handsome pointy-eared man is?  It’s Namor, the king of Atlantis, Namora’s cousin, and one time lover of a giant sea worm.  What sound does the heart of a god make when it breaks?  Though to be fair, it’s mostly Hercules’ fault.

By the way, have you ever heard of the Canadian superhero team?

Snowbird, Member of Alpha Flight

Turns out Canada has their own group of Avengers, called Alpha Flight.  They fight snowstorms and irradiated caribou or whatever.  I don’t really follow them.  But one of their members, Snowbird, once hooked up with our hero.

She’s not drunk or anything, that’s just how people in comic books cry.  This is halfway through this particular arc and things haven’t gone well.  The poor girl needs a broad, hairy shoulder to cry on.

See?  Hercules’ may consist entirely of a sash, but he’s not so stupid not to consider the feelings of his suitor.  Also, the dog in a wheelchair watching is a secret alien hiding in the body of Cho’s beloved pet.  But you probably guessed that.

Mission complete.  Snowbird feels better, Hercules gets another notch on his bedpost, and the pervert dog alien rolls away unseen.  Let’s move on.  Or back a few thousand years.

Hippolyta, Amazonian Royalty

Hercules tends to be immortal, being a god and all.  Want to hear a story from the good ol’ days?

If this seems like a sad ending, wipe away your tears.  Sure, Hera isn’t remotely kind to Zeus’ bastard child, but Hippolyta reveals herself as super evil and almost destroys the world.  And Hercules can do better than crazy supervillains.  Though, it doesn’t stop him from trying.

Alflyse, Queen of the Dark Elves

Hercules and his father Zeus (resurrected as a child), travel to Asgard for their next mission.  To defeat and conquer the evil queen, Hercules has to exploit his least refined skill: espionage.  Y’know, by dressing up as Thor and laying the smackdown.  Except for one small problem:

He may have the strength of a hundred men, but he has the willpower of none.

Thor and Hercules have quite a bit in common, even excluding the whole immortal powerful god thing. No one enjoys brawling more than those two.  Maybe Wolverine.  Both of their fathers have created trouble in their lives.  Hercules and Thor both have a reputation of bedroom prowess.  Though, the god of thunder wouldn’t make this mistake:

Oops.  How do you solve a problem like this?  Did you guess the real Thor dressed as Hercules battles the real Hercules dressed as Thor?  I hope so.  No bad blood spilled between drinking buddies. Also you know how when you’re really good at something, you can use that skill to get out of unfavorable resolutions?

Let that be a lesson.  Write that down in your notebook.

Hebe, the Goddess of Youth

Since it’s the 21st century, very few gods are running around in spandex slaying dragons.  Most own corporations and control their own businesses.  Olympians are nothing if not entrepreneurs.  Hebe runs the receptionist desk at the Olympus Group.  Oh, and she’s Hercules’ wife from three thousand years ago.

Hercules has many heroic traits, but monogamy isn’t one of them.  That and Hercules and Hebe never got divorced.  Still, he’s a man with emotions.  Like jealousy.

I don’t deny that many times Spider-Man deserves to be punched across a restaurant.  That guy has a mouth on him.  Though he probably didn’t deserve that one.  And the resulting Hercules/Spider-Man fight goes about as well as the above panels.

Regardless, the hairy, angry god may be an oaf, but he’s a super lovable oaf.  Despite Hercules’ numerous infidelities, thousands of years of no contact, and smashing the nice boy Hebe was just talking to, can he talk his way back into her heart?

Sparks reignited!  Lovers reunited!  Their romance reigns eternal!  Though they break up a few issues later.  And Hercules is killed.  But other than that, all the previous sentences apply.

At his funeral, the proper respects are paid.  The man’s legend will live on.

Luckily the mourning period is short.  Hercules had a brief series called Herc last year where fought the Hobgoblin and other cool supervillains.  I know he’s not as popular as some of the others, but everything he’s in is totally worth a read.  You need more proof?  You’re very hard to please.

You’re welcome.

Hawkeye & Spider-Woman: a love story

I’m not going to lie, Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) does well with the comic book ladies.  He’s handsome, confident, has a criminal record, and saved the world a few times – a combination that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex.  But he is also a devoted, loving husband.  Well, was. About two years ago, his wife Mockingbird and he broke up in the desert while Mockingbird stood outside  a plane as it blasted off, as comic book relationships should.  Luckily, he’s a catch and unlike the other blond Avenger, he wasn’t born in a time when swing music was popular.

Spider-Woman (real name Jessica Drew) may be a bit more unknown to you.  Her parents were terrorists, who experimented on their baby to make a super baby.  She can fly, has enhanced physical abilities, shoots bio-electric blasts from her hands, and can excrete a pheromone that makes men suddenly attracted to her.  Also, she’s in absolutely no way related or associated with Spider-Man.  Long story short, she’s recently back after being abducted by a shape-changing alien race called the Skrulls and ready to battle the bad guys.  Oh, also date again.

Brian Michael Bendis, the genius comic book writer, has spent over a decade writing Ultimate Spider-Man, the best combination ever done of punching and high school drama.  He’s brought his talents to the pages of The Avengers, and it’s no less high school drama-y.  I love it.

Did you know the Avengers have a mansion where their butler serves them cereal or whatever?  It’s nice to be an Avenger.  Our romance starts when the extraterrestrial Noh-Varr brings over his human college girlfriend.

Yeah, now Hawkeye knows she available and desperate: his type of woman.  By the way, circus boy isn’t really an insult – he grew up on a circus with his supervillain brother Trick Shot and mentor Swordsman.  Both fairly on-the-nose names.

Because they’re Avengers, they’re always moments away from some big battle.  Fortunately in their brief downtime, they get invited to a party with Thor and the Asgardians, currently living in the ruins of Oklahoma.  Spider-Woman and Ms. Marvel sneak off to a corner of the Viking-esque palace so they can gossip while sipping their cosmopolitans mead.

Just because they’re superheroes doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.  Sure, Ms. Marvel’s costume is more of a one-piece swimsuit with boots and Spider-Woman has no pupils, but why shouldn’t they find love?  At least for Drew.  Ms. Marvel’s out of luck.

The Avengers comic had this brilliant idea that the stories would be told as if the Avengers were sitting down for interviews for a documentary.  I beg you to go read it in its entirety, but at least you get to enjoy moments like this.

It’s like The Bachelor confessionals!  Only unlike The Bachelor, we don’t hate everyone in the Avengers.

So let’s witness the two’s first real flirt.  I promise you it’ll go exactly as you hoped it would.

Were you hoping for awkward?  I’m always amazed at how blindingly overconfident Hawkeye is about everything.  His outfit is bright purple and his most useful superpower is glue arrows.  Even when Bucky joined for a while as Captain America’s replacement, he had a cool bionic arm.  I don’t deny that “master marksman” is a neat title.  It just doesn’t compare to say, “able to bench press a minivan,” which at the time of this issue, 11 of the 15 Avengers could.  And of the others who don’t have super strength, Iron Fist’s the inheritor of a millennium old kung fu magic, Dr. Strange’s the Sorcerer Supreme, and Mockingbird is Hawkeye’s ex-wife.  I adore Hawkeye, but his trump card is an arrow attached to a net.

Still, just because Hawkeye recently got out of a bad relationship, why can’t the two hang out for a while?  This could be healthy.  Especially Spider-Woman, because she’s a mess.

C’mon, you tell me, what’s a little harmless flirting?  Tony Stark does that with every woman he has ever met in his life.  What’s so different about these two?  Well, this is the cover of the next issue:

You see, when two people battle a possessed Hulk, currently carrying a hammer of Thor, it brings them closer together.  No matter how tough a superhero claims to be, nothing makes them wet their pants faster than an angry Hulk.  And you’ve seen the movie, he’s always angry.  As the team retreats from the battle, it’s either the adrenaline or Hulk blood’s actually an aphrodisiac, but we’re finally rewarded for months of teasing.

A lovely moment!  Though Ms. Marvel cannot get away from being this side plot’s third wheel.  That poor girl.  She doesn’t even wear pants, why can’t she get some superhero action?  About two years ago, Venom ate her and revealed to Spider-Man that she has a little crush on him.  Nothing’s come out of it, and they’re both single.  Plus, Spider-Man’s dated supermodel Mary Jane Watson, currently has a high-paying job as a mad scientist, and he’s a proven family man by providing for his elderly Aunt May.  Ms. Marvel could do way worse.

Anyway,  after the romantic moment shared in the back of a truck, watch Barton seal the deal.

I know you want some satisfaction on this budding relationship.  I’m going to give it to you.  Because nothing is hotter than making out in the Avengers garden where they bury dead superheroes.

Captain America’s such a c-blocker.  Though if you have any complaints about Yankee Doodle, skirting the subject isn’t one of them.

See?  A real couple!  They’re still together too, because this issue was only a few months ago. They’ll probably stay together until one of them gets sucked into a phantom dimension or turned into a communist robot.

In case you’re curious, Captain America’s in a serious, long-term relationship with the niece of the woman he fell in love with during World War II.  Oh, and he used to date the Scarlet Witch, who was married to a robot.  And let’s not forget Diamondback, a supervillian whose superpower is gymnastics.  So if that’s the dating standard for the poster boy of how a superhero is supposed to act, Hawkeye and Spider-Woman stand a very good chance.